Jezebel: Monkeys

Monkey Business

Dodai — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:20:00 EDT

Two readers (in separate incidents) emailed us ads for faux baby monkeys — one from a local Sunday newspaper; one from Ladies Home Journal. One ad brags the doll is "a whole new way to fall in love with babies." The other ad claims its doll is "the most incredibly lifelike baby monkey ever." What the hell is going on? Are older ladies really buying tiny monkeys in pink onesies and diapers? If so, why???? (Click to see both equally disturbing ads.)

Adorable "Rogue Monkey" Terrorizes Tokyo Train Station

Jessica — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:30:00 EDT

It was just an average rush hour at the Shibuya Station in Tokyo when a wee brown monkey started causing trouble by hopping around the automatic ticket gates a little after 9 this morning, Reuters reports. Although the cheeky primate continues to elude police officers, he will not be booked with any criminal charges for his monkey malfeasance. "It's a monkey - it's not like it did anything bad," a police spokesman said. Sounds like they're being soft on monkey business! Clip above. Monkey Eludes Net-wielding Police At Tokyo station [Reuters]

Primetime Exposes the Dangers Of Satisfying Baby Lust With Monkeys

Intern Margaret — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:30:00 EDT

Angelle Sampey is a professional motorcycle drag racer. She holds several national records and has the most wins for any female in professional motor sports, but she's not in the news today because of her professional success. Nope, seven years ago Sampey wanted to have a baby, but because of her job she felt having a human child wasn't an option. So she decided to get a monkey. Sampey is featured on tonight's Primetime as part of a special on "monkids," domesticated monkeys being raised as children. In this Good Morning America preview we see how her "childhood dream of having a monkey" turned into a nightmare. "He is a wild monkey," she says. "He is never gonna be domesticated. And it took me seven years to realize that."

Just Another Sticky Night Of Abject Stupidity

Megan — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:30:33 EDT

Hey, remember how we were going to, like, tax oil companies more and stuff? Yeah, not gonna happen anytime soon. [Washington Post]
But, hey, monkeys can fish! So, as long as we don't eat all the fish or kill all the monkeys before we drive ourselves into extinction, they can totes rule the world later. [AP]
Yes, that was a cheap distraction before I told you that we're totally fucked in Afghanistan and no one has any idea what to do about it. [Washington Independent]
But that's ok, because Obama might pick Ret. Gen. James Jones, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander, as VP, because now the Democratic party is all about getting the military dudes on the take so they can look "strong" and shit. Only, the story is actually complete bullshit because he's already a McCain adviser and someone is laughing at MSNBC besides me. [MSNBC, Politico]

In other news of the stupid, Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma has crowned himself the new Miss South Carolina by releasing a commercial trumpeting his foreign policy credential: "Ethiopia. Zambia. Iraq. Twenty-nine intense trips in 12 years to the front — to the saddest parts of Africa." Oh, wait, where's Iraq again? [Washington Independent]
And, apparently we're going to try to make all the lefty protesters crap their pants at once at the conventions this summer. Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Better shitting than shouting? [Fox News]
But in good news, Republicans in the Senate have now defined electoral success in November as only losing eight seats to the Democrats. If they lose 9, they can't even filibuster, which is the only thing they give a shit about doing anyway. [HuffPo]
And, just to mess with you, McCain said today, "I will veto every single beer." Damn that man, even if he is willing to call his home turf a swing state. [CNN, Washington Independent]

Misogyny Among Monkeys Is "Natural Behavior"

Anna — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:30:00 EDT

Yeah, Jack Hanna can seem a little too willfully clueless, and yeah, he's on Letterman what seems like every other week, but by god, he and Dave have a good thing going, and I just can't hate the guy — after all, he let me bottle-feed a rare baby Bengal tiger back in 1996 when I was a cub reporter for a national entertainment magazine. Anyway, last night, Hanna — the director emeritus of the Columbus Zoo — choreographed a parade of creatures onto the Late Night stage, including some sort of monkey — a guenon — with a love of grooming and a seeming distaste for girls. In fact, if the monkey's manhandling of Letterman's microphone is any indication, we think it's pretty clear where the little guy's gender sympathies lie. Clip above.

Call Of The Wild

Dodai — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 10:45:00 EDT

A New Zealand man who claimed he was raped by a wombat and left speaking with an Australian accent has been found guilty of wasting police time. Ha! But wait! There is a real animal-on-human attempted rape case! Women in the Indian village of Cherukulapadu claim that a 3 foot sex-crazed langur monkey has been assaulting them. Apparently the predatory primate saw a "couple engaged in amorous activities" and has been trying to copy the behavior. An elderly woman died of shock after the randy critter jumped on her. When it comes to primal urges, we'd like to NOM NOM that bebe wombat and say thanks, but no thanks, to that monkey. [Telegraph, Telegraph]

TGIF

Dodai — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 17:10:00 EST

[Japan, February 17. Images via Getty.]

Japanese Macaque monkeys relax in the hot spring at the Jigokudani (Hell's Valley) Monkey Park in Jigokudani, Nagano, Japan. This Macaque troop regularly visits the Jigokudani-Onsen springs to escape the cold, behaviour originating from a female Macaque which ventured into the hot springs to retrieve soybeans in 1963.

Reader Roundup

Jessica — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:40:00 EST

Best Comment of the Day, in response to Monkey Business: "i throw my poop at him too, really turns the guy on." In the words of J.D. Regent, we say: omg you dated R.Kelly too? • Worst, in response to Crap Post From A Banker: "Actually, no. I think people are hating on him because this post went up telling us to hate on him." We say: you are all zombies whose shared brain is controlled by the evil Jezebellian overlordz, right?

Monkey Business

Slut Machine — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 11:45:00 EST

Primates — they're just like us! Following a very thorough and kinda weird study, German scientists report that female monkeys shout and make lots of noise during sex in order help male monkeys climax more quickly. It would seem as though we haven't evolved that much, huh? [Live Science]

Adorable Bearded Monkeys Discovered in East Africa

Jessica — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 16:00:25 EST

Cutest discovery evs?? A new population of these owl-looking motherfuckers called De Brazza's monkeys — thought to be near extinction — were found in Kenya. Look at that face! Don't you kind of want one? [National Geographic]
Britney, you best be letting Sean and Jayden get some shut-eye. A new study shows that lack of sleep may lead to obesity in children. [CBS News]
Addicted to drugs? Try battling your crack cravings through virtual reality. According to a Duke U. professor, "What we're trying to do is take people into a virtual crack-related neighborhood or crack-related setting and have them experience cravings, just like they would in the real world." [ABC News]

From the department of Obvious Studies: "The research is clear that divorce with conflict is unquestionably bad for the kids." [MSNBC]
Everyone deals with grief differently, says new research. "Some people suffer interminable grief, and others show no distress at all." [Psychology Today]
Cougars on the prowl can get Gardasil soon! According to the HPV vaccine manufacturer Merck, the company may soon approve Gardasil for women aged 26-45. The vaccine is currently only available for females ages 9-26. [MSNBC]