• "I think people may have seen that and got the wrong idea about us," said the chief executive officer, and a former employee claims there is nothing sexual about it. Oh really? •  Wanna know what's on Obama's walls? The Times has a full list of the art on display in the White House. The pieces range from a Winslow Homer to a Degas to a Rothko, thus proving once again that the first family has good taste. •  A supermarket in Britain has issued an apology after a pregnant woman was denied an unpasteurized cheese by a concerned employee. She described the experience as the "most patronising encounter I have had the misfortune of experiencing in a long time." •  Recent legislation in Gaza that bans women from riding on motorbikes has raised concerns over efforts by Hamas to Islamise Palestinian society. While few women ride motorbikes, this seems to be part of a larger trend toward moralized legislation. •  Michael Vick, the football player most famous for his dogfighting bust, is getting a reality TV show. Although we hate PETA, we agree with them here: "People who abuse animals don't deserve to be rewarded. They shouldn't be given multimillion-dollar contracts...or given the privilege of being a role model." • A British man who had sex with his daughter over a period of 33 years and fathered two children by her has been sentenced to twelve years in prison. He pled guilty to two of incest, two rapes, 12 indecent assaults and two indecency with a child. • Here's a good reason to move to Sweden: Toys "R" Us has been reprimanded by an agency that polices advertising in Sweden after a group of sixth-graders learning about gender roles determined that boys were portrayed as active, but girls were passive in the store's 2008 Christmas catalog. • Mazen Abdel-Jawad, a 32-year-old Saudi man, has been sentenced to five years in prison and 1,000 lashes after boasting about his sexual conquests on TV. For being shown on TV with sex toys, condoms, and lubricants and cruising the streets for women he was charged with, "publicizing vice and confessing to crimes on a satellite television channel." • According to a new study from the University of Michigan, an increase in the number of cases of nasopharyngeal cancer, a rare condition in which a tumor grows behind the nose and above the tonsils, is linked to HPV. • University of Toronto researchers have invented a new technology that can measure tiny droplets of estrogen from samples of breast tissue the size of a needle. Currently doctors need to do a biopsy to collect such data, which could be useful to see the progress of breast cancer therapy, to see if a woman is at risk, or for other problems like infertility. The technology will not be ready for several years. • Katie Couric will be honored with the 2009 Al Neuharth Award for Excellence in the Media by the University of South Dakota, but a columnist for the school's student newspaper says she's not ready for the award. "A 'life-time achievement award' to Couric is jumping the gun," writes David Whitesock. "Despite Ms. Couric's laudable efforts to introduce the evening news to the Internet generation, she has fallen short of 'Evening News' predecessors." • Bob Dole, who lived next to Monica Lewinsky at the Watergate complex in the '90s said at a heath reform summit today, "If I'd had little wiretap there, I could've been president... I never had..... a conversation with that lady." • Before making his final decision on whether he should run for president, Barack met with Chicago politicians Newton Minow and Abner Mikva who have six daughters between them. Obama said he admired both men's daughters, and hoped his own daughters would grow up to be like them, and that he wouldn't run if the two men felt that doing so while the girls were so young would damage them in any way. • An Australian hospital psychologist has had his license suspended for just two months after telling a sexual assault victim that he was sex-obsessed, had "very strong sexual feelings for her" and that he had "fucked up big time" with her therapy. He treated her in 2004 and 2005 and authorities only learned of his misconduct after the woman threatened to kill herself and hospital staff found a noose in her home. • Advocates say advances in DNA technology, reforms in how police investigate rapes, and better prosecution of rapists are reducing the number of reported U.S. rapes. FBI statistics say 89,000 women reported being raped in 2008, down brom the 109,062 reported rapes in 1992. • Julie Parker, 80, is the oldest and longest-tenured employee at Yosemite National Park. "Julia interprets Native American culture to our visitors," says a park spokesman. "She shows visitors how baskets were woven, toys or brushes were made and acorns collected from native black oak trees, ground up using a metate and made into mush... Julia is truly a national treasure." • It took Patrick Mills of Florida two days to get a nine week old kitten out of his car's engine compartment. Someone heard meowing coming from his engine, but Mills and firefighters were unable to coax the cat out even with donated milk from Starbucks and tuna from Panera Bread. The cat was finally frightened from her hiding spot when a Feline Friends of Destin volunteer rattled a metal coat hanger in the engine. The volunteer took the cat home and said she's healthy except for a minor cold. •

[New York, June 10. Image via Splash]

• Nadya Suleman is finally getting a "quasi-reality" show. She's reportedly "hoping to have an arrangement whereby several events in the children's lives would be filmed in a documentary series," says her attorney, Jeff Czech. [JustJared]

• Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin's mother, Pamela, says her son's story will never be told correctly. "I don't think he will ever be portrayed fairly. It's always twisted." [Star]
• Denzel Washington says his Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 co-star John Travolta is still struggling over the loss of his son, Jett. "What can you say, really? Just be there as a friend, because he's such a sweet, sweet person. Our prayers are with he and his wife. [People]
• Mike Tyson is also suffering after the tragic death of his 4-year-old daughter, Exodus. "I think he's at a point where he can deal with it," says LaLa Vasquez, one of the producers of Tyson, "But I don't care how confident you are in yourself: This is a crusher. With maturity and age and everything he went through, he will be able to pull this through for his family. He will make it through this. But, man, what else can happen to him?" [People]
• ABC News Now actually interviewed Hello Kitty for SIX MINUTES. Does she even have a mouth?! [Videogum]
• Britney Spears is being sued by a paparazzi photographer after she ran over his foot in 2007. [E!]
• Rose McGowan will star in an upcoming adaptation of The Bell Jar. "My character's name is Doreen," McGowan says, "She's kind of a 50's magazine girl from New York, it's really fun. We're shooting in South Africa most likely. I've never been there, so I'm really excited." [JustJared]
• Natalie Portman, meanwhile, has signed on to star in a comedy alongside James Franco and Danny McBride called "Your Highness." [Variety]
• Blind Item: "This very A list singer is starting to get very peeved at another pop star. Although each individual's music could be considered in different genres, the source says that our A list singer takes issue with this British Tart's outrageous fashion sense. Our A list musician was doing the strange outfits first and can't believe the attention this new up-and-comer is getting. She claims she will rave about her in future interviews if asked about it, but secretly she is fuming." [BlindGossip]
• Jay Leno delivered his final Tonight Show monologue last night, thanking Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton for helping the show become successful...and apparently for giving him outdated jokes to tell for the past 10 years. [People]
• The Killers' Brandon Flowers and his wife Tana, are expecting their second child. Congrats! [People]
• Michael Jackson is reportedly "terrified" of his recent skin cancer diagnosis and is "convinced that his nose is going to fall off." [TheSun]
• Want to watch Susan Boyle's final performance on Britain's Got Talent tonight? Here are a few tips to help you catch the show. [Yahoo]
• Despite the stress caused by her sudden rise to fame, Boyle says she's in it to win it: "I want nothing more than to stay and sing in the Britain's Got Talent final. I've spent weeks rehearsing - it's all I've been thinking about. I'm not going to throw away my big chance now." [DailyMail]
• "I think by entering the Miss USA pageant, she made herself a public figure. If a civilian were to answer that question, would I think the response that she got was appropriate? No. But when you become a tabloid figure, which she did, the rules change."- Perez Hilton [Time]
• The child actors from Slumdog Millionaire have been offered new homes by the Indian government. Danny Boyle recently announced that he was buying new apartments for the children after learning that their homes had been torn down. [DailyExpress]
• "I don't declare myself as one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. That's other people's label."-Cameron Diaz [ONTD]

Levi Johnston belongs to that particular breed of Americans Cast Into the Public Eye. And as we know, once you are Cast Into the Public Eye, you are absolutely powerless: you are compelled to sell tell-alls and cameo in movies and host reality shows because that is what society does to you. For every Jackie O, characterized by her devotion to privacy, we'll raise you an Octomom. In a world where 98% of humanity seeks out celebrity, we always feel bad for those few thrust into the spotlight after, say, a night of unprocted slap-and-tickle in the back of a Camaro. And then they go on Tyra. And Larry King. And the Today show. And do a GQ shoot. And, obviously, hire a publicist.


The Lifer: Brian Gerard "Kato" Kaelin
Prior Career: Full-time houseguest, part-time actor, wit
Claim to Fame: Incoherent and generally irrelevant testimony in the trial of the century
Cash-In: In 1998, he did a "speaking tour" titled The Sixteenth Minute, talking about not being famous anymore. Then he was on a show called House Guest where he crashed at the homes of other D-listers that never aired, and one called Gimme My Reality Show, plus pay-per-view Strip Poker.


The Example: Monica Lewinsky
Prior Career: Student, White House Intern
Claim to Fame: Did have "Improper relationship" with that man, William Jefferson Clinton.
Cash-In: 20/20 interview, Tom Green Show, SNL. Short-lived handbag line. Ill-advised interview with The Daily Mail after the publication of Clinton's biography.
Redemption: Now an Adult, Lewinsky has obtained a Master's from the London School of Economics and seems to be keeping out of the public eye.


The Pro: Ashley Alexandra Dupre
Prior Career: Aspiring singer, waitress, escort.
Claim to Fame: Slept with Client 9.
Cash-In :Appeared on 20/20. Dupre has allegedly hired a manager to help pursue her music career, and is in talks to develop a Tila Tequila-style reality dating show.


The Exploiter: Larry Birkhead
Prior Career: Photographer
Claim to Fame: Is the father.
Cash-In: Protective of his daughter's privacy, Birkehad has apparently hired full-time camera crew to document every moment of father-daughter bonding for such news sources as Us, OK, Life & Style, E!, Access Hollywood, and Entertainment Tonight. Sometimes he chills with Paris Hilton and talks about starring in a reality show with his toddler.


The Villain: Heather Mills
Prior Career: Model, activist.
Claim to Fame: Nasty divorce.
Cash-In: While married to Sir Paul, appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Post-divorce, called Stella McCartney "evil," gave hundreds of interviews, fired people, talked to press, threatened to sue press, appeared on Dancing with the Stars.


The Cautionary Tale: Jason Allen Alexander
Prior Career: Childhood friend, good old boy
Claim to Fame: What happened in Vegas, like most things that happen in Vegas, did not stay remotely near it.
Cash-In: Hired agent, entertained offers, appeared in British documentary, failed to strike while the iron was hot. There but for the grace of God goes Levi!


Psst! Your Handlers Are Showing, Levi [NYT]

1. You could almost blame it all on his enabling assistant Doug Band.
Responsible for introducing Bill to Anne Hathaway's deadbeat boyfriend? Check. Wrote that aggro letter telling that restaurant to take Chelsea's photo off the wall? Check. Married to a handbag designer? Check. Okay, but even this guy, Clinton's "butt boy" turned right hand man, doesn't think Bill should be hanging out with fucking Ron Burkle, which brings us to…

2.But whatever, once a cad, always a fucking cad.
Back in 1992, some AIDS activists gave Bill a bucket of condoms, to which he "instantly" replied, “My staff thinks this is the last thing I need.” Ha ha ha, fast forward to the post-how-that-shit-got-him-impeached part and he is hanging out with Elizabeth Hurley's babydaddy Steve Bing and supermarket magnate Ron Burkle, whose private jet is nicknamed Air Fuck One and who leads what they call a "European lifestyle," perhaps because that is the continent of origin of so many of the models on Air Fuck One, but in any case, as one of Burkle's aides says, “How many older guys wouldn’t want to hang out with younger girls, if they could? Would you rather hang out with a smart, good-looking 20-year-old, or a 45-year-old?” (Hm.) He's stirred up side-fuckery rumors with everyone from Canadian politico Belinda Stronach to Gina Gershon to some lady in Chappaqua to another lady at the Aspen Institute and a "ravishing entourage in a New York elevator" about whom a former Clinton aide said a "business leader" said upon seeing them, "I don’t know what the guy was doing, but it was so clear that it was just no good." Four former Clinton aides tell Vanity Fair that about 18 months ago, one of the president’s former assistants, who still advises him on political matters, tried to stage an "intervention."

3. Monica was kind of cool for a starstruck 25-year-old intern.
According to Andrew Morton’s Monica’s Story, Lewinsky was about to deliver her Christmas gifts to Bill when she learned Eleanor Mondale, Clinton's jogging partner on whom he had a known crush, had been with him at the White House.“Do you think I would be stupid enough to go running with someone I was foolin’ with?,” Clinton later asked Lewinsky, to which she said, “Do you want me to answer that?” Plus:

4. The last night Bill and Monica were together he serenaded her with the song "Try A Little Tenderness."
Was it gratuitous of Purdum to excerpt the "shabby dress" line? Oh, probs, but barf anyway.

5. Ron Burkle isn't the worst of it, oh hell no, because in 2002 Bill Clinton flew to Africa with Jeff Epstein on Jeff's private 727.
Jeffrey. Fucking. Epstein. Jeff Epstein, folks. He knows how to pick em.

6. Abbreviated list of nefarious dictatorships whose business relationships with Clinton would probably conflict with Hillary's interests, if they were not likely also funding her campaign, since their finances are comingled since, oh yeah, I almost forgot, they are still married.
Kazakhstan: a dictatorship. I mean, guys named Nursultan Nazarbayev don't just get elected. Clinton was involved with some shady miner's bid to work on some sort of natural resources project I don't really remember.
Ukraine: this photo of Bill Clinton hanging out with Leonid Kuchma, the former Ukrainian dictator-type who likes to poison enemies, made a poisoned journalist's widow want to "throw up."
Dubai: Has a lot of money, obviously, but also not the world's best human rights record, and Hillary rejected the whole Ports sale, so why he is hanging out with them?
Peaceful Reunification of China — He gave some speech for this crew, which advocates "reunification" of China, which would be a nice idea if it didn't involve a vastly corrupt authoritarian dictatorship engulfing what has arguably become Asia's most vibrant democracy.
The Vatican? — And remember this story?

7. He is, in every tense of the word, a fucking liar.
He lies about how he had the lowest net worth of any president of the 20th century when he got elected — actually Harry Truman holds that distinction — but meanwhile, while Harry Truman went totally broke in post-presidency, only gaining solvency when he sold the family farm to a mall developer. Bill Clinton has made more money than almost anyone who ever came out of the public sector, and more of that money has come from taxpayers than any other living ex-president. Also in his book Giving, Clinton wrote that Ron Burkle's job was the "only private sector offer" he ever took since leaving office, but actually, aside from his ninety gazillion dollars in speakers fees he's made more than $3 million in consulting fees from a shady data-mining company called InfoUSA which was once sued by its shareholders for wasting nearly $1 million in company funds flying the Clintons around the world.

The Comeback Id [Vanity Fair]

• Obama's slightly racist grandma is not dead, she just doesn't feel like commenting on his speech apparently. Here is a picture of her clutching her grandson for fear of being beaten up by darker-skinned black men. No just kidding, it's just a graduation picture. Sorry to drag you into this, Madelyn Dunham.
  
• ""As easy as it is for those of us who are white to look back and say 'That's a terrible statement!' ... I grew up in a very segregated South. And I think that you have to cut some slack — and I'm gonna be probably the only conservative in America who's gonna say something like this, but I'm just tellin' you — we've gotta cut some slack to people who grew up being called names..." Well Jesus F. Christ Mike Huckabee, if you didn't just win yourself some major days off from Purgatory right there. [Politico]
  
• John McCain keeps randomly linking Iran with Al Qaeda. I'd say he's trying to make this into a self-fulfilling prophecy like happened with Iraq and Al Qaeda so that he can make the 100 years thing its own self-fulfilling prophecy. But he could also be just old. [Huffington Post]
  
• Getting raped on Spring Break is just par for the course these days I guess, but getting raped and then hurled over a sixth-floor balcony is a bit much. [ABC News]
  
• Hillary's packed schedule as First Lady consisted mostly of philanthropic crap, ceremonial visits to foreign countries and REDACTED. Newspapers are still frantically scanning the newly released papers to find out more re our former "co-President" but one thing we do know... [Wash Post]

• One thing is clear: she was in the White House the whole day her husband messed up that intern's dress![ABC]
• A Hillary-supporting preacher estimates the bra size of Obama Girl at 54DD. [YouTube]
• An exclusive report from the front lines in Tibet describes a relatively restrained police reaction to the looting, which didn't go over so well with the ethnic Chinese minority. "One Han teenager ran into a monastery for refuge, prostrating himself before a red-robed Tibetan abbot who agreed to give him shelter." [Economist]
• How thoughtful of Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao to take time out from worrying about his country splitting apart to worry about Bear Stearns. And by "thoughtful" I am pretty sure I think "scary." [China Daily]
• Vote about what kind of liar you think the CEO of Bear Stearns is! [Dealbreaker]
• Michelle Gass a business visionary. First she invented a chocolatey smooth coffee beverage that could be sold at huge markups and used to addict the young and coffee-averse to strongly caffeinated beverages, then she added whipped cream and syrup on top, then she invented a caramel version, and then she invented a diet version. Surely there is no way of creating shareholder valued she could not pull off. [WSJ]
• Scientific sounding study says women should marry men who are fifteen years older than them. I would try to refute it, but so bad at science! [New Scientist]
• Obama is going to be on The View; yay! [ABC News]

MEGAN: i am sooooo sorry
MOE: NP.
MEGAN: there's also a taxi strike today. i actually wonder if they are blocking bridges
MOE: Happy Valentine's Day!
It's cool Jane Fonda said "cunt" on the Today Show! That bought us some extra time.
But not that much!
MEGAN: Whoa!
MOE: Anyway I decided that today we were going to do it free-association style
just for Valentine's Day.
No real agenda.
MEGAN: Someone this morning sent me an old link of Shepard SMith saying "blow job" on air, but yours is better.
MOE: Just some riffin on the whole politics makes strange fuckbuddies or whatever.
What's that sayign?
MEGAN: "Bedfellows," because Washington is so gay.
MOE: Airport bathrooms for the gays!
Srsly though I was just jokin.
I used to have this editor at my college paper.
Yochi Dreazen.
He was also my housemate for awhile.
But that's another story.
MEGAN: Aw, they should totally be decorated. Senators need love too.
MOE: Anyway Yochi Dreazen, whose full name "Yochanan" means Gift From God apparently, was allllways using those dumb little aphorisms as his story ledes. And it annoyed me. He was obsessed w. the strange bedfellows line. Now he works at the Wall Street Journal. I hope he is well! Shout out Yochi if you're listening! That story on the soldiers keeping the underground railroad of stray dogs in Iraq was a Tjerker for reals! Anyway.
Oh yes they do. Shout out to our troops! I sure hope they tell those kids in training camp that if there's one thing that will make their lives easier upon return from the warzone — besides Ecstasy — it's getting their wives and girlfriends really expensive vibrators before they leave.
But back to Valentine's Day!
Do you have plans?
MEGAN: Which is now your constitutional right! (Except in Mississippi).
MOE: Jesus Motherfucking love of Christ.
MEGAN: Um, well, my initial plan was to watch Resident Evil:Apocalypse with a bottle of red wine. But, now I'm meeting a friend of mine for wine first, in a place where they serve wine but not dinner in the hopes that DC women demand dinner on Valentines Day.
MOE: I didn't know Texas had a sex toy ban.
MEGAN: Texas and Alabama, and Mississippi.
Also, in Texas, the law said not only that the sale of them was illegal, but ALSO the gifting or sharing of them was. What the fuck goes on in the Texas legislature that they felt the need to regulate the sharing of sex toys?
MOE: Who fucking passes something like that? Nevermind. That's just insane. INSANE. I guess we should go look up the proceedings. I'm mad. And today is all about love. I wanted to talk to you about your all time fave Capitol Hill couplings! But first I suppose I should get the news out of the way: some Hezbollah guy was killed and waterboarding is illegal so no more of your crazy pranks, John McCain doesn't believe in earmarks, and...more hand-wringing about Hillary.
Oh yes and Larry Craig acted improperly.
MEGAN: I have a mark on my ear from an ill-considered piercing!
MOE: But he acted improperly in the name of love!
Or sex.
MEGAN: Yes, but not by trying to get some anonymous gay ass! Just by trying to withdraw his guilty plea. I love moral relativism.
The sex thingie was fine, it was everything he did after taking responsibility for his creepy actions that they had issues with.
[Side note: if you're curious, I have links to the relevant sex toy case documents here, but the link is very NSFW.]
MOE: Good to know so I can stab myself later. Can we talk about sex in Washington for a sec?
MEGAN: Yes! I'd like to have some sometime soon.
Or, do you mean cute couples?
MOE: Whatev! How do we feel about Jenna and Henry?
MEGAN: I think she's cute. He doesn't do anything for me, but he must really love her to have put up with Laura calling him not a serious boyfriend back in the day and all the picture-taking pressure and stuff.

[February 12, Los Angeles. En route to Baja Fresh. Has she maybe lost a little weight? Ack! Don't answer that. Hey, funny thing: I almost typed Monica LewSINsky. How come the tabs never picked up on that? Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

Paula Jones is divorced from the man she was married to during Lewinskygate, the one who was so eager for her to sue the President. She has since posed nude for Penthouse, and lost a reality TV boxing match against ice skating bad girl Tonya Harding.

Linda Tripp, who was roundly vilified in the press for betraying Monica, was played by John Goodman in drag on Saturday Night Live, and reportedly runs a year-round Christmas Store in Middleburg, Virgina, says The Times of London. She's also married to a lederhosen-clad German named Dieter (for real).

And then there's Lewinsky. She's dabbled in designing handbags, hosted a radio show, and graduated from the London School of Economics with a masters in social psychology. She tries to keep a low profile these days, but she's been spotted in Los Angeles, most recently.

It seems that Monica will never live this down — ten years on, paparazzi photo agencies are still taking pictures of her, and early last year not one, but two articles in the Washington Post were published, still discussing her 21-year-old transgression. The author of one of those articles, Richard Cohen, has the best take on the situation. Monica's only crime? "She was a girl besotted. It happens even to Republicans." The Lewinsky lesson can be applied frequently in daily life. For instance, the next time your new love suggests that you make a sex tape, think, WWMLD? And then do the opposite. Or at least make sure that you keep the tapes.

Happy Birthday, Monicagate! [Slate]
Oral History: The Monica Lewinsky Scandal Ten Years On [Times of London]
Fairness For Lewinsky [Washington Post]
From Thong to Thesis: Monica Lewinsky Flashes Her Intellect [Washington Post]

[Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You ]

She looks like she raided my closet.

[Los Angeles, January 8. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[November 27, Los Angeles. Image via Flynet].

We don't know what's funnier: today's New York Post column about the legality of keeping an engagement ring after a broken engagement, or Michele Monopoli, the aptly-named divorce attorney interviewed for the piece.

Monopoli (above right), co-host of an AM-radio show called "The Divorce Divas", is quoted giving advice to greedy former brides-to-be so that they can — get this — keep their engagement rings. Her tip?

"By getting engaged on Valentine's Day, when lots of jewelry is given in romantic settings, a reasonable argument could be made that it was not an engagement ring but merely a romantic Valentine's Day gesture."

We'd expect nothing less from a Monica Lewinsky look-alike.

Diamond Doubting [NY Post]