Today, the New York Times has an insightful article exploring the lives of single women who choose to become parents in the face of overwhelming disapproval.

Societal pressures play a large role in why South Korean women give up so many children for adoption. Interestingly, while abortion is technically illegal, it is estimated that 96 percent of unwed women opted for the procedure. Of those who carried the pregnancy to term, nearly 70 percent relinquished their children for adoption. The nation's government has tried to retain more of the nation's children, but as taken a hardline when it comes to the single mothers that bear them. According to reporter Choe Sang-Hun,

The government pays a monthly allowance of $85 per child to those who adopt children. It offers half that for single mothers of dependent children.

While the government says it is trying to increase the amount of support provided, look at the host of benefits the government provides to increase the declining birthrate:

To increase adoptions at home, it provides subsidies and extra health care benefits for families that adopt, and it designated May 11 as Adoption Day.

It also spends billions of dollars a year to try to reverse the declining birthrate, subsidizing fertility treatments for married couples, for example.

Throughout the piece, various women discuss how being an unwed mother has impacted their dating, family, and professional lives:

Families whose unmarried daughters become pregnant sometimes move to conceal the pregnancy. Unwed mothers often lie about their marital status for fear they will be evicted by landlords and their children ostracized at school. Only about a quarter of South Koreans are willing to have a close relationship with an unwed mother as a coworker or neighbor, according to a recent survey by the government-financed Korean Women's Development Institute.

"I was turned down eight times in job applications," Ms. Lee said. "Each time a company learned that I was an unwed mom, it accused me of dishonesty."

Ms. Choi, the hairdresser, said her family changed its phone number to avoid contact with her. When her father was hospitalized and she went to see him with her baby, she said, her sister blocked them from entering his room. When she wrote to him, she said, her father burned the letters. Last year, about three years after the birth, he finally accepted Ms. Choi back into his home.

In the face of all this, a group has formed to advocate for women being allowed to raise their children on their own. The Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network was founded to fight for the rights of women and has found international allies. The network was founded by an American adoptive father, who renounced his "rescue and savior mentality" after visiting S. Korea in 2006 and wondering why so many of these women were giving up their children. He decided to channel his energy into improving the lives of young women in Korea instead of helping other couples adopt children from the country.

As quoted from the site's mission statement:

The Network's primary focus is on raising awareness in Korea and amongst Korean groups in the US to effect positive change. The Network works to educate, inform and promote discussion about the difficulties facing unwed mothers and their children in Korea in order to elevate their economic, political and social potential in society.

(Image from the New York Times slideshow)

Group Resists Korean Stigma For Unwed Mothers [NY Times]
Illegal Abortion, South Korea's Open Secret [Reuters]
Official Site [Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network]

Forbes dresses up the article with the obligatory Lindsay/Dina Lohan pic, and author Jenna Goudreau writes that the best-friend mom "dresses like her daughter, offers TMI about her personal life and tries to befriend her children's teenage friends." But watch out: "Moms who try to be befriend their teenage children end up leaving them motherless—at a time when they really need a mom most." It's pretty much common wisdom at this point that trying to be your kid's BFF isn't good parenting. But is this really such a huge social problem?

According to clinical psychologist Stephan B. Poulter, yes. He tells Goudreau, "This trend has become very popular. Just look at People magazine." Poulter claims 30% to 40% of moms are now best-friend moms, a number we hope he arrived at by some method more scientific than flipping through tabloids. So what's behind this "very popular" trend? Goudreau writes,

One theory as to why comes from Poulter, who suggests that there is a greater number of mothers who don't have the time or energy—due to long hours at work, financial stress or otherwise—to put into being a full-time mom. These women are pragmatists in that it's more emotionally rewarding—"easier" as Poulter puts it—to be a friend rather than a traditional mother figure. All that—plus the adage "40 is the new 20." Is anyone growing up?

The culprit is those selfish working moms who are too lazy to discipline their kids — and too skanky to act like proper 40-year-old women. Don't get me wrong — the pressure on older women to continue looking like high school students is upsetting. But articles like Goudreau's imply that it's their fault, that middle-aged women in America are just so into being sexy and having fun that they don't want to "grow up." This attitude — like many discussions of "age-appropriate" clothing — denies middle-aged women's sexuality and makes it sound like the only sensible thing for them to do is slice oranges for the soccer game. And it promulgates a pretty rigid notion of what it means to grow up.

This rigidity is on display elsewhere in Goudreau's article. She talks to author Susan Morris Shaffer, who expounds on mother-daughter bonds today. Goudreau writes,

Shaffer feels that this era presents a new opportunity for adult daughters and their mothers to become closer. Because young women are increasingly attending college, pursuing careers and getting married later, they have an "extended adolescence" in which the mother-daughter bond may be one of their strongest.

It's true that I and many other young women I know have close relationships with our mothers, relationships that are probably closer than they would be if we were married with children. But does that really mean we're in and "extended adolescence?" Goudreau's language is especially strange here, as it seems to indicate that getting an education and pursuing a career are "adolescent" things, while marriage is what really makes you an adult. "Extended adolescence" is a pretty common term lately, and while it's not always as blatant as this, it usually implies that even if you have a job and a degree, until you get married and have a baby you're some sort of ancient teenager.

I have no doubt that it's unhealthy for parents not to discipline their kids, or to base their self-worth on whether their children perceive them as cool. But I do doubt that moms acting "young" is the biggest problem facing kids today. And I don't believe we should be using the standards of the past — either for marital age or for "age-appropriate behavior" — to judge our lives in the present. Being unmarried doesn't make you a teenager, and wearing a miniskirt or going to a club doesn't mean you think "40 is the new 20." Can't media outlets write about childrearing without perpetuating tired stereotypes about what makes a good woman or a good mother? Maybe someday they will, but given its record on issues affecting women, Forbes probably won't be leading the charge.

Are You A Best-Friend Mom? [Forbes]

Of course, difficult mother/son relationships exist in art and in life, but the mother/daughter dynamic seems the more fraught one. Sarler says social conventions put extra pressure on mother/daughter relationships: "sons are on loan and will eventually leave for another woman; a daughter, by contrast, is for ever – we ask so very much of two women and criticise so very harshly when they appear to fall short." And women's behavior may have a greater effect on their daughters than on their sons — a new study shows that motherly manipulation and "mind games" increase depression risk in African-American girls, but not in boys.

Sarler thinks it's a problem of expectations. She quotes advice columnist Virginia Ironside:

The mother is all-powerful to start with; she is your survival. You fall over: Mummy, Mummy, make it better. She does. You put her on a pedestal. But she cannot live up to this for ever; you see that she has feet of clay after all; you are disappointed.

But why should this disappointment be any worse for girls than for boys? Perhaps because girls are supposed to model themselves after their mothers; when Mom falls short, there's the danger that we will too. On the other side, mothers may see themselves in their daughters, and be harder on them as a result. Sarler says the solution is for both mother and daughter to accept imperfection:

Contrary to the romantically high expectations as nurtured by wider society, there is no such thing as a perfect mother, nor a perfect daughter, nor yet a perfect relationship between them. Some – most? – women eventually realise this, allowances are made and gratitude for what there is takes precedence over fury for what there is not.

Sure, moms and daughters should make allowances for each other. But those "romantically high expectations" need a reality check too. It's not just that women are expected to be perfect nurturers and are punished disproportionately if they fall short. Western culture still thinks of women as the primary custodians of relationships — or at least the ones responsible for feeling bad about them. Women's magazines assume we're constantly worrying about our partners, parents, and kids. Sarler contributes to this problem with her "note to male readers: "guilt" is the name of the fluid that runs through the umbilical cord." Note to everyone: men feel guilt too — it just gets less press. When we stop assuming that women care about others more than men do, and that women should be the ones questioning themselves when things go wrong, maybe moms and daughters will get along a little better.

Judge's mother denies calling her a 'dirty little whore' [Telegraph]
Judge tells court she paid for plastic surgery because of mother's 'ugly' taunts [Telegraph]
Mother accused of scarring 'wimp' daughter [UPI.com]
Mothers and daughters, locked in bitter battles that none can ever win [Independent]
Mothers' mental games increase depressive symptoms in daughters [Eurekalert]

Earlier: Is Being A Bad Mother The Most Heinous Crime Of All?

• The Perfectionist Mother — whose family must look perfect in every way
• The Unpredictable Mother- whose ups and downs can create lifelong anxiety and depression in her son or daughter
• The "Me First" Mother — whose children come second or last
• The "Best Friend" Mother — who's now in vogue but can wreak havoc
• The Complete Mother- who provides guidance and shows compassion to her child

• The Clueless Mom — who really believes you were "studying" when you come home with grass on your back and doesn't know what that pretty glass vase in your room is really for
• The Alarmist Mom — who thinks the desks at school might be made with carcinogenic materials and wonders if your moles are "growing" and assumes you're dead if you don't call exactly at 11p.m.
• The Mean Mom — who grounds you first, asks questions later. Hates your boyfriends, tells you you're going nowhere fast. New friends come over once and never again. Capable of withering plants with a single gaze.
• The Old-Country Mom — who was born elsewhere and uses you as an interpreter, ambassador and errand-runner. Understands more English than she lets on but pretends not to. Just wants you to marry a nice boy.
• The Stage Mom — who pushes you into fame but hates being left behind; wants to share (or steal) the spotlight. See: Lohan, Dina; Rocky.

How Your Mother's Emotional Legacy Impacts Your Life [EurekAlert]

Earlier: Being A "Cool" Mom Isn't Very Good For The Kids

Janis describes Amy as a child: a little girl who took ballet and sang a lot. "She was always very cheery but she was also shy," Janis says. "She's never been an easy child." Janis and Mitchell split up when Amy was nine. "Mitchell and Amy were close. Her father would sing Sinatra to her and because he always sang, she was always singing, even in school. Her teachers had to tell her to stop. People talk a lot about the anger in Amy's songs. I think a lot of it was that her father wasn't there."

Yeah, or maybe a lot of it had to do with, you know, Janis herself? Amy's mother tells a bizarre story about the day a 12-year-old Amy was asked to leave school because her grades weren't up to par.

The same day, I had to take the family cat Katie to the vet. I dropped off the cat, went to the school and then went back to the vet's. We had the cat put down. My joke is I should have had Amy put down and the cat moved on.

[Beverly Hills, May 22; Images via Splash]