I was too young for Hughes' teenage-centric films when they hit theaters; I fell in love with them via syndication, where they endlessly played on Saturday afternoons, the swears beeped out in favor of words like "butthead" and "jackal." My friends and I had "Molly Ringwald Trilogy" nights in high school, watching Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Pretty In Pink until the wee hours of the morning and sighing over the all-too-relatable characters. It didn't matter that the clothing and the music were dated: the stories still rang true, and we saw ourselves sitting in that library, or showing up to the dance in that (hideous) dress, or standing in front of the mirror, wishing for "4 inches of bod and a great birthday." But which Hughes heroine really stands the test of time? Let's find out.

• Samantha Baker: Sixteen Candles
• Pros: Able to stay sane in a relatively insane household, forgives her parents for forgetting her birthday, wins over Jake Ryan by seeming like the type of girl who would be "a serious girlfriend," is the type of girl who would give her underwear away under non-sexual circumstances to help a geek in need; wears a hat, which, as Farmer Ted notes, is just so Vogue, you know?
• Cons: Cries a lot, has a bit of a Jan Brady complex when it comes to her dippy older sister, bases much of her happiness on if Jake Ryan likes her or not, actually thinks carrots will increase the size of her breasts at the age of 16.
• Final Analysis: Samantha embodies much of the hormonal insanity that comes along with being sixteen years old: she's impossibly in love with a boy she barely knows, she feels like her family doesn't understand her at all, and she's willing to unload her "bullshit" on anyone who is "human" enough to listen, like good ol' Farmer Ted. However, we don't see Samantha for much of the film; after she's humiliated at the dance, she takes a backseat to the film's other (and honestly, more interesting) stars. Her role is merely to be crushed by a guy, and then saved by a guy.
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: C
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• Allison Reynolds, The Breakfast Club
• Pros: Can make art with her own dandruff, finds interesting ways of amusing herself, keeps plenty of tampons on hand in case she ever has to "jam," clearly an excellent dancer, appreciates the finer things in life, like a Capn' Crunch/Pixy Stix sandwich.
• Cons: Has a tendency to withdraw completely in order to avoid socialization/confrontation, allows herself to be madeover, even though she likes the "black shit" under her eyes.
• Final Analysis The makeover. The makeover! It kills Allison's character completely, transforming her from the weird girl who won the heart of the jock simply by connecting with him emotionally to a Molly Ringwald-clone who is now deemed acceptable to be seen in public with. Allison never seemed to have a problem with her appearance; it was the other students who judged her. Every other member of the Breakfast Club goes through an internal change—why does Allison have to go through a makeover, too?
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: D
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• Andie Walsh, Pretty In Pink
• Pros: Quirky dresser, not afraid to cross class lines to date the boy she likes, works at a pretty rad record store, makes her own clothes, quickly dismisses skeevy lothario Stef whenever he tries to pick her up.
• Cons: Oblivious to her best friend Duckie's romantic attachment, creator of the ugliest dress ever made in the history of fashion, takes Blaine back after he treats her like complete crap, ignoring her calls and dumping her as a prom date.
• Final Analysis: Andie isn't afraid of confrontation, standing up to Stef, her father, and Blaine in order to make her voice heard and let them know exactly how she feels. However, she totally crumbles at the end and makes up with Blaine, even though he's treated her like dirt for much of the last third of the film. The original ending had Andie ending up with super-clingy slightly obsessive bff Duckie; one wonders if she would have been better off alone. And honestly? Ruining two perfectly lovely dresses to make a Pepto-Bismol trapezoid nightmare frock is pretty unforgivable, even for 1986.
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: C+
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• Amanda Jones, Some Kind Of Wonderful
• Pros Amanda Jones was one in a line of many Hughesian characters drawn to depict the class divide in the 1980s—she's the Andie Walsh of this film, dealing with the humiliations of being the poor girl dating the rich guy. Only in Amanda's case, she's dating douchebag Harley not for love, like Andie and Blaine, but for status and security, as his money makes her a "richie" by default. Eventually she sees the error of her ways and rejects both Harley and poor suitor Keith, finding that it's "going to feel good to stand on my own."
• Cons: The aforementioned dating a douchebag for status, the way she allows herself to be humiliated by men in order to fit in, the way she uses Keith to hurt her dumbass ex-boyfriend, the way she allows Keith to use her, her general bitchiness throughout the film.
• Final Analysis: In many ways, one feels sorry for Amanda Jones, as she's a product of the times, a material girl living in a material world who is only trying to keep up with her popular friends. She eventually gets her priorities straight and tells her cruel ex-boyfriend where to stick it, but it takes her a while to get there—for most of the film, she's a doormat, a tool through which teenage boys can get what they want.
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: D
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• Jeannie Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off
• Pros: Not to be messed with, knows how to destroy a high school principal, stands up for her brother when necessary, even though she pretty much hates him.
• Cons: Goes out of her way to destroy her brother until a more suitable enemy captures her wrath, changes her name to Shawna in order to impress a wasted Charlie Sheen at the police department.
• Final Analysis: I love Jeannie Bueller. She is the best and the worst big sister anyone could ask for. Yes, she spends most of her time trying to ruin Ferris' life, but when it comes down to it, she's a loyal family member and her heart is in the right place. Just don't cross her, or you'll be faced with a "scorching case of herpes."
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: B
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• Claire Standish, The Breakfast Club
• Pros: Also an excellent dancer, can put lipstick on without using her hands, shows kindness to geek Brian upon learning he's a virgin, is very proud of her family name.
• Cons:Defends her shallow pursuits as a means to stay popular and respected, admits she won't acknowledge the rest of the Breakfast Club once school resumes, is the direct cause of Allison's dumb makeover, ends up with Bender even though he's spent most of their time together sexually harassing and humiliating her.
• Final Analysis: Claire doesn't seem to grow too much throughout the film. She admits that she's shallow, but doesn't seem to do much about it, other than makeout with the bad boy and give the weird girl a makeover.
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: C
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• Sloane Peterson, Ferris Bueller's Day Off
• Pros: You have to be pretty damn awesome to date Ferris Bueller, and Sloane Peterson was. She was effortlessly cool, able to play along with Ferris' insane schemes with ease, staying detached and calm, even in the wackiest of circumstances. She seemed fearless yet romantic, noting at one point that Ferris was "going to marry" her, but still seeming to live in the moment, most of the time anyway.
• Cons: However, it seemed like Sloane was more fascinated by Ferris' future than her own, noting that she wasn't interested in anything, but dreamily asking Cameron what he thought would happen to Ferris as the years went on. She appears to have hitched her wagon to Ferris' star: one wishes she had more of a star of her own, you know?
• Final Analysis: Sloane, like Cameron's house, was very beautiful and very cold, and though her cool factor was off the charts, she often seemed to have little personality outside of being Ferris Bueller's girlfriend.
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: C+
  
  
  
• Watts, Some Kind Of Wonderful
• Pros: Watts is tough as nails, but has a soft spot for her best friend Keith, who is completely oblivious, of course, as he's too busy making googly eyes at popularity queen Amanda Jones. The scenes where Watts chauffeurs Keith and Amanda around on their fancy-pants date are heartbreaking, as her pride and her clearly hurt feelings combine to paint a portrait of how many of us felt as teenage girls: a bit lost, a bit sad, and a bit pissed off at the universe in general. The scene where's she's mocked for wearing boys' underpants is painful as well; the way she looks at herself in the mirror with a mix of confusion and disdain pretty much sums up that awkward phase between being a girl and being a woman: you don't know what the hell is going on, and you're not sure if you like it or not. She also has some of the best lines in the Hughes canon, including "Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of long legs."
• Cons: Watts never has a problem saying what she thinks, until it comes to expressing her feelings towards Keith. She's also quick to cut down Amanda Jones, even though she barely knows her, simply because she's stealing Keith's attention away, calling her shallow and "a skag."
• Final Analysis: Watts embodies the tough girl with a heart of gold; she's the poster girl for unrequited love for most of the film, dropping such lines as "You break his heart, I break your face," about the boy she loves so dearly. One gets the sense that her relationship won't change too much with Keith once they get together; they've always treated each other as equals, something that's often missing from many teen romances.
• John Hughes Heroine Grade: A

Agree? Disagree? Anyone you'd like to add? Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

Earlier: The Ups And Downs Of Having A John Hughes Boyfriend
5 Movies John Hughes Will Be Remembered For
John Hughes, 1950-2009

• Rihanna will appear on the September 14 launch of The Jay Leno Show — her first performance since being assaulted by Chris Brown in February. But she won't be alone:

She's performing "Run This Town" with Jay-Z and Kanye West, which is a track from Jay-Z's new album. [People]

• Matthew Broderick: "I am truly shocked and saddened by the news about my old friend John Hughes. He was a wonderful, very talented guy and my heart goes out to his family." [E!]
• Molly Ringwald: "I was stunned and incredibly sad to hear about the death of John Hughes. He was and will always be such an important part of my life. He will be missed — by me and by everyone that he has touched. My heart and all my thoughts are with his family now." [ET, People]
• Jon Cryer, aka Duckie from Pretty In Pink, on the death of John Hughes: "This is a horrible tragedy. He was an amazing man to work for and with. He respected young actors in a way that made you realize you had to step up your game because you were playing in the big leagues now. That's why he got such great performances out of his actors. My heart goes out to his wife Nancy and their children." [ET]
• Old habits die hard: Amy Winehouse "is still clearly emotional, and seems to suck her thumb when times are bad." Yes, there are pictures. [Daily Mail]
• Paula Abdul may make a deal with American Idol — if they give her what she wants, which is $10 million a year. [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Paula says: "At this point, there are so many wonderful things that are being offered to me. And I got to take a deep breath, sleep a little ... and go through everything." [AP]
• Um, Constantine Maroulis got his ass kicked trying to defend Paula Abdul's honor or something. [Gatecrasher]
• Blech: Heidi Montag is oompa-loompa orange on her Playboy cover, and covered in dirt. [Perez]
• Hotter than Heidi is 51-year-old Sharon Stone, topless in Paris Match. In the immortal words of Cassie: Stop acting like you haven't seen a titty before. [TheLifeFiles]
• "Jon Gosselin's guide to being a lothario: manipulation and neediness." LOL. A psychotherapist says: "He's picking up a lot of women who are trying to rescue him… Jon's not the faithful type. Men like him are very good at connecting with women, and the woman starts to feel as if he is there for her. But he's just there to boost his own ego." [NY Daily News]
• Despite what was reported in the Post yesterday, Kristin Davis denies that she cut ties as a goodwill ambassador for the human rights group Oxfam. [NY Daily News]
• Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt are back together, and were seen on an Air Pacific Flight to Red Bull Island. Yes, Red Bull Island. Not a joke. Can't wait to see them do this again. [Page Six]
• If you have tickets for Madonna's concert in Ljubljana, Slovenia, you are one of a select few: The show's been canceled, and poor ticket sales are reportedly the reason. Although her peeps say "unforeseen logistical difficulties" are the reason. [Reuters]
• From a profile on Charlene Yi: "Ms. Yi walked the short red carpet in wet brown suede shoes and a red cardigan sweater. After posing for pictures, she picked up the olive-drab Army backpack she had left with a publicist after posing for pictures. Ms. Yi told reporters that she had never dated Michael Cera. 'Gossipers!' she yelped. 'You are all gossipers!' Well, why did she pick him to play her onscreen boyfriend in the first place? 'Martin Lawrence passed,' she quipped. Touché!" [Observer]
• Charlene Yi says of Michael Cera: "We were never together. If we were, I'd like to know when that was. And thank God, because it would be devastating to promote this film if I was heartbroken." [The Daily Beast]
• Bethenny Frankel is trying to get pregnant. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio: Spotted hanging out with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, Anne Vyalitsyna. [Page Six]
• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were flying to New York when their plane had to make an emergency landing in Las Vegas after the engine overheated. No one was injured, and both actors Tweeted about their experience, because if you don't put it on Twitter, it never happened, right? [People]
• Jermaine Jackson is "cashing in" on Michael Jackson's death by releasing a recording of "Smile," the song he performed at the memorial. Plus, he's working on a series of tribute concerts. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Jermaine says: "In his death, I have found a mission for my life. My existence is now dedicated to spreading Michael's message." [Mirror]
• "Michael Jackson was scheduled to undergo a second physical by an insurance company doctor at the time of his death." [LA Times]
• David Letterman has beat Conan O'Brien in ratings for the fourth week in a row. i'll admit it: I'm on team Dave. [NY Daily News]
• Nora Ephron writes "In Defense of Ryan O'Neal": "Ryan O'Neal had not seen his daughter Tatum in years. He thought she was a Swedish person. I completely understand. The truth is that had I been gay, I might have accidentally made a pass at my own sister in a mall in Las Vegas. So who's to judge? Not me." [HuffPo]
• Queen Latifah and five ladyfriends hit a lesbian party in NYC on Wednesday, and this is news. [Page Six]
• The woman suing Morgan Freeman for flipping her car will have her day in court next year. [USA Today]
• This report claims that Patrick Swayze's fuller face and full head of hair prove that his battle with cancer is going well, even though he is still smoking. [NY Daily News]
• Congrats to SNL's Bill Hader, who will be a dad; his wife is pregnant. [People]
• Aerosmith concerts are postponed while Steven Tyler recovers from falling off of the stage. [USA Today]
• "I had to turn him down. I really hated the idea of Channing Tatum. I told di Bonaventura that this is not the guy to play one of the most feared killers of the 20th Century. I think Mickey Rourke would really be good. He's got that sense of danger, and there's a similarity between the two. But it's not Channing Tatum." — Phil Carlo, who wrote The Ice Man: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer. [Page Six]
• "To me, the idea of being an actor and being stuck in Los Angeles — a city that's totally based on one job — is so uninspiring. New York completely fulfills every need I have on a daily basis. I'm madly in love with this city." — Josh Lucas. [Page Six]
• "Resident Evil started out as this fun project. I went in for it as a joke. 'Sure, I'll go make an action movie,' I thought, 'This'll be cool, because my brother loves the video game so much.' It's turned into a steady job. See? [making a fist] The knuckles? They're all cut up. They used to be really soft, but they can't use them any more [in L'Oreal ads]. They use someone else's." — Milla Jovovich. [Guardian]
• "My mom [Bebe Buell] and gran were models and took such good care of their skin I couldn't help but learn. My dad is also full of great beauty advice, like wear your perfume in your belly button and on the soles of your feet so it becomes part of you." — Liv Tyler, to Elle. [Daily Express]
• "I'm always shocked that there's an interesting, full-fledged, ambitiously wrought role for somebody like me, that somebody's willing to put in a movie, it's unusual, that's what I mean by shocked. I'm not shocked because … 'Gosh, me? How do I know how to act?' [Laughs] But there's so many unbelievably talented, richly talented women and men that are older, that just don't get a chance." — Meryl Streep. [Salon]
• "I have this phobia of becoming someone's 'girlfriend.' I have guy friends who have been dating a girl for six months and our other friends don't know her name. They just ask, 'Hey, where's your girlfriend?' And I want to scream, 'OK, her name is Sally, and she's awesome, and you've known her for months. Where did her identity go?'" — Charlene Yi. [The Daily Beast]

• Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson the night before her 29th birthday on July 10, which is especially tragic because she had planned a Barbie and Ken themed party.

• A source said Jess had to cancel the party but she's "ok." Did the Ken costume push him over the edge? [Us]
• Madonna's daughter Lourdes was spotted wearing a SpineCor back brace, which is commonly used to treat scoliosis. [Yeeeah]
• David Beckham says rumors that he's posing in a series of sexy Emporio Armani ads with Angelina Jolie are untrue. "She's an amazing person and so is Brad. They're an incredible couple — got an amazing family. You know she wouldn't do it and I wouldn't do it. At the end of the day, I wouldn't do it because I'm married," he said. [Extra]
• Ian Halperin's Michael Jackson tell-all is coming out this week, so expect to hear more salacious details from the book, such as his claim that MJ was gay. Halperin said he's interviewed two of MJ's lovers. "He met a construction worker and fell madly in love with him," claims Halperin. "Michael would leave the house in disguise, often dressed as a woman, and would go meet his boyfriend at a motel that was one of Vegas' grungiest dives. Michael was broke. He struggled to put food on the table for his children. That was all he could afford then." [UPI]
• Sources say Debbie Rowe made a deal with Katherine Jackson that she'd give up custody of Paris and Prince as long as Joe Jackson would have no part in raising them. "The last thing she wanted was for those kids to be looked after by Joe and go through what Michael went through," said a source. "When [Rowe and Jackson] were [married], Michael poured out his heart about how much he loathed Joe for what he had done." [N.Y. Post]
• Sheryl Crow says of being Michael Jackson's backup dancer, "I like to call it magic. It's really overused where he is concerned, but I like to call it magic and I got to watch that magic every night." [CBS News]
• Michael Jackson's production company MJJ Productions has confirmed the rumors that a Michael Jackson video game is in the works. Supposedly it included MJ's voice and will be in stores by Christmas. [Mirror]
• A New York art gallery postponed an Andy Warhol portrait of Michael Jackson from the auction block. It's value was estimated at $1 million to $10 million, but the gallery wants to offer the painting to "the greatest number of prospective purchasers." [Yahoo]
• Next month Alana Stewart, one of Farrah Fawcett's closest friends, will publish a diary she kept while Farrah was battling cancer. Some of the profits will be donated to the Farrah Fawcett Foundation. [Crains]
• A judge ruled Amanda Brunfield, Billy Bob Thornton's daughter, won't be released from jail until an expert witness testifies about why there were bruises on the skull of the baby who died in her care. [The Orlando Sentinel]
• Maura Tierney has a breast tumor. She released a statement saying, "I have discovered a tumor in my breast which requires surgery. I will not know either my exact diagnosis or course of treatment until that surgery is performed." Her new show Parenthood was supposed to premiere in the fall but NBC has postponed it until 2010 so she can receive treatment. [N.Y. Times]
• Artie Lange says he doesn't know why he was charged with DUI. He claims he blew a 0.0 Breathalyzer and passed every test the police officer gave him after he rear ended another car. He says he was on his way to pick up a prescription for his sick mother. [TMZ]
• Nas has filed legal papers in his divorce from Kelis claiming he didn't get a $11 million record deal and his income is actually declining. While she says he's offered no child support for their unborn child, he says he wants to be "fully involved" in parenting the child, has already bough two cribs and a stroller, and has offered to pay $5,000 a month in child support. [TMZ]
• Megan Fox is shopping for a home in the Hollywood Hills. This weekend she looked at homes in the $2 million to $3 million range. [The Daily Mail]
• Survivor winner Richard Hatch went to prison for failing to pay taxes on his $1 million prize and is serving out the last three months of his sentence on house arrest. He's asked the court to let him participate in a 10th anniversary editor of the show to help pay the $400,000 he still owes the IRS. [E!]
• Miley Cyrus was paid $10,000 a day for voicing Bolt, but if they movie had made just $11 million more at the box office she would have made tons more in bonuses. [TMZ]
• Neil Patrick Harris will host the Emmy Awards on September 20. [N.Y. Times]
• Matt Damon will guest star on Entourage next season to raise money for his charity OneXOne. You can read spoilers here: [People]
• Natalie Portman has been cast as the female lead in the comic book movie Thor. Chris Hemsworth will play Thor and Kenneth Branagh is directing. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Holly Madison and Jason Statham were spotted hanging out in Las Vegas over the weekend. Elsewhere in Vegas, Leighton Meester performed songs from her upcoming album. [E!]
• Also spotted this weekend in Vegas: Evangeline Lilly, Dominic Monaghan, and his parents. [Just Jared]
• After many teenagers were turned away from Bruno this weekend, a version has been created for teens 15 and older. Only 1 minute and 50 seconds are missing from the 15+ film, which marks the first time two versions of a film have appeared in U.K. theaters. [BBC]
• Michelle Pfeiffer says maintaining her figure means limiting herself. "I'm not allowed to do those fancy foods, especially while shooting. At that time, I'm given certain portions. Meted out quantities. Like when we filmed Chéri in Paris, I did not partake of those sauces." [The Telegraph]
• Molly Ringwald gave birth to her twins, Adele Georgiana and Roman Stylianos last week. [ONTD]
• Mira Sorvino gave birth to her third child with her husband on June 22. His name is Holden. She says, "He is my miracle baby. With everything that threatened this pregnancy and both of our lives, he came out of it completely unscathed: perfectly healthy, beautiful and wonderful!" [People]
• Kelly Bensimon is coming back for season three of RHONY, but it's unclear which of her costars will join her. "I am coming back," said Kelly. "But I actually don't know who else is coming back. They don't really tell me." [People]
• Dylan McDermott says he became an actor because of his step-mother, Eve Ensler. He says Ensler, who married his dad when he was 15, "instantly said that I should be an actor" because she "saw something" in him. [AP]
• "Now I've got this moniker that I'm the foot-in-mouth gal, and I keep thinking, In what way? Because I said something you don't agree with? Because I said something you don't like? I'm just telling you my opinion. I hate the idea that I can't be honest about how I feel about things because it's going to piss somebody off who feels differently. That seems preposterous to me." — Katherine Heigl [ONTD]
• Kathy Griffin beat out Lisa Rinna and Tara Reid to win a "Who's Got A Hot Bikini Bod" poll on People.com. "I voted for myself obsessively – I mean many hundreds of times," says Griffin. "Then I called my mother and had her vote, and then I had the staff drop all other work so they could do nothing but vote for me... Finally, at 48-years-old I am seen as a stupid shallow sex object," she says. "That's right: there are guys now that are not gay – well as far as I know – that want to [sleep with] me, who don't think I am funny, or even smart. They just think I have a hot body and I'm all for that." [People]
• "I wasn't trying to be a role model with The Dutchess," says Fergie, but after "seeing little girls in the audience with their moms. [It] made me think about what I do onstage a little bit more. I had to watch my mouth, because it can be filthy." [People]
• "If David Beckham had of spoken out about Iraq it wouldn't have happened, I honestly believe that hand on heart, or Britain certainly wouldn't have got involved... Beckham's cultural gravitas was as such in that period that if he'd have gone 'I don't want this war in Iraq, it's an awful thing, we should not do it', it wouldn't have happened, the public would've gone mad against it. But because he kept his gob shut, and everybody else did, it happened, we sleepwalked our way there." — Jon McClure of Reverend And The Makers. [The Mirror]

• Police released the 911 call made when Michael Jackson stopped breathing. Jackson's personal doctor witnessed the incident and performed CPR before going missing. In addition, officials at a press conference right now report there's no indication of foul play. [TMZ]

• Michael's father has spoken to People about the initial autopsy results, saying "[The cause of death] is what we're trying to find out right now." [People]
• In the 911 tape, when the operator asks if anyone saw the incident, the caller said, "No, just the doctor, sir, the doctor was the only one there." [AP]
• When EMTs arrived at Michael Jackson's home, they wanted to pronounce him dead on the scene, but his live-in doctor refused to let them call it. It was clear someone had been performing CPR for "quite some time" and evidence of Lidocaine, a drug used to treat disturbances in the heart's rhythm. The doctor demanded that Michael be taken to the hospital even though he had flatlined and he personally continued to administer CPR at the hospital even though it was clear he was gone. [TMZ]
• Police towed a silver BMW that belonged to the doctor because they believe it "may contain medication or evidence that could assist the coroner in determining the cause of death." The police haven't't officially announced the doctor's name, but the car was registered to Susan Mary Rush, sister of Dr. Conrad Robert Murray. [ABC News]
• There are photos of Janet Jackson arriving at the Van Nuys airport this morning, and Dr. Conrad Robert Murray is said to be in Los Angeles preparing to speak to law enforcement. [ONTD]
• According to police, Michael Jackson was "heavily addicted" to Oxycontin and received "daily doses of the pain killer Demerol. Police were told he received an injection of Demerol one hour before his death. [ABC News]
• A source close to the Jackson family says they were concerned about Michael Jackson's drug use as far back as 2006. "The family believes Michael is addicted," said the family insider. "There was an intervention in Las Vegas. Janet was on the phone, but Randy, Jackie and Rebbie were there in person... Michael got pissed off. He said he wasn't on drugs. But they didn't believe him." Another source said one of Jackson's aides was supplying him with drugs and that Jackson drank alcohol and took, "straight morphine, Demerol and opiates like Oxycontin. He also takes Valium and Xanax." The source continued, "Michael is a clinically functioning addict and these are the most dangerous. They stop and start. These are the ones that OD ... It could happen any minute." [People]
• According to unnamed members of the Jackson family, Michael Jackson was given a "heavy dose of morphine" before his death. Family members felt his drug problem was too severe for him to perform this summer and Joe Jackson wanted to put Michael in rehab. [TMZ]
• A Beverly Hills pharmacy sued Michael Jackson in 2007 for allegedly not paying $101,926.66 pharmacy bill for prescription medications. The case was dismissed in a month, which usually means there was a settlement. [TMZ]
• Jackson family lawyer Brian Oxman says he was at the hospital with Michael's mother Katherine, brothers Randy and Jermaine, and sister La Toya. "They were silent, they were crying, they weren't really able to say anything," he says. "They just were stunned by this whole experience... I know that they are now all together." [Us]
• Brian Oxman says Michael Jackson's children "are doing fine" and are in the care of a nanny and staying with their grandmother. "Ms. Jackson will care for them and I'm sure there will be all kinds of discussions that will take place about the kids," he says. [Us]
• This article says Debbie Rowe gave up her parental rights and the kids are currently staying with their nanny in Los Angeles. Brian Oxman says the kids could wind up with Michael's mom. "Probably Mrs. Jackson will take care of them, she loves them dearly. Everyone is crying and it's very sad," he said. [The Daily Express]
• Though Debbie Rowe tried to give up her parental rights to her two children with Michael Jackson, her rights were never officially terminated. The only way Rowe could be denied custody is if a court determines it would be detrimental to the children. Supposedly Rowe will seek custody and "a huge amount of child support from Jackson's estate." [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe's former attorney Iris Finsilver says she is still their legal parent and can gain custody of them if she chooses. Finsilver said she spoke to Rowe on Thursday but she doesn't know what she's planning to do because, "She was inconsolable." [People]
• Michael Jackson's former publicist Michel Levine released a statement saying, "As someone who served as Michael Jackson's publicist during the first child molestation incident, I must confess I am not surprised by today's tragic news. Michael has been on an impossibly difficult and often self-destructive journey for years. His talent was unquestionable but so too was his discomfort with the norms of the world. A human simply can not withstand this level of prolonged stress.'' [TMZ]
• Lisa Marie Presley wrote on her MySpace blog, "Years ago Michael and I were having a deep conversation about life in general. He stared at me very intensely and he stated with an almost calm certainty, 'I am afraid that I am going to end up like [Elvis Presley], the way he did.' I promptly tried to deter him from the idea, at which point he just shrugged his shoulders and nodded almost matter of fact as if to let me know, he knew what he knew and that was kind of that." She writes that their marriage was "unusual" but, "I do believe he loved me as much as he could love anyone and I loved him very much... I became very ill and emotionally/spiritually exhausted in my quest to save him from certain self-destructive behavior and from the awful vampires and leeches he would always manage to magnetize around him." [People]
• "My heart … my mind are broken. I loved Michael with all my soul and I can't imagine life without him. We had so much in common and we had such loving fun together. I was packing up my clothes to go to London for his opening when I heard the news. I still can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It can't be so. He will live in my heart forever but it's not enough. My life feels so empty. I don't think anyone knew how much we loved each other. The purest most giving love I've ever known. Oh God! I'm going to miss him. I can't yet imagine life with out him. But I guess with God's help... I'll learn. I keep looking at the photo he gave me of himself, which says, 'To my true love Elizabeth, I love you forever.' And, I will love HIM forever." — Elizabeth Taylor [Us]
• "When the autopsy comes, all hell's going to break loose, so thank God we're celebrating him now." — Liza Minnelli [The Mirror]
• "I can't stop crying, this is too sudden and shocking. I am unable to imagine this. My heart is hurting. I am in prayer for his kids and the family." — Diana Ross [TMZ]
• "It's so sad and shocking. I feel privileged to have hung out and worked with Michael. He was a massively talented boy man with a gentle soul. His music will be remembered forever and my memories of our time together will be happy ones. I send my deepest sympathy to his mother and the whole family and to his countless fans all around the world." — Paul McCartney [Mirror]
• Emmanuel Lewis's rep says Michael Jackson's "very personal and very emotional" to him and he is "sincerely devastated at this time." [Celebuzz]
• "Michael Jackson is the reason why I do music and why I am an entertainer. I am devastated by this great loss, and I will continue to be humbled and inspired by his legacy. My prayers are with his family. Michael will be deeply missed, but never forgotten. He's the greatest...the best ever. No one will ever be better." — Chris Brown [E!]
• "It was impossible to look away from him - not when he was a dimpled child singer crowned with a pillowy Afro, not when he became a pop demigod uniformed in rhinestones and epaulets to command what were always referred to as his armies of fans, and not when his surgical transformations mirrored back to the culture the blurring of boundaries demarcating adulthood, sex and even race." — from the N.Y. Times tribute [N.Y. Times]
• Brett Ratner became friends with Michael Jackson after asking if he could use Chris Tucker's impression of Michael in Rush Hour. They spent a lot of time together and would film each other. He says, "I have hours of footage of us, sitting around in our pajamas, with me asking him about what kind of music he loved as a kid, what kind of books he had on the wall as a kid. When you were with him, you really felt like God was within him. He was an amazing, superhuman kind of person, but he always treated you as an equal. He would be your friend and he never asked for anything in return." [The L.A. Times]
• Harrods owner Mohamed Fayed says a Michael Jackson memorial statue will be put up in the London department store. He says Harrod's was "one of his favourite places" and Michael once asked to have his own statue in the store next to Fayed's. [The Telegraph]
• Michael Jackson will be honored at the BET Awards on Sunday night. [Yahoo]
• While performing at Glastonbury, Lily Allen wore a single long white glove as a tribute to Michael Jackson. [The Telegraph]
• "He was a great guy, a complete icon, words can't express my shock and horror. My thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family. It's just a terrible, terrible, terrible thing." — Serena Williams [The Daily Express]
• Jackson's other long-term physician Dr. Tohme Tohme says he's not the doctor the police are looking for. "It's not me. I wasn't there at the house when this took place," he said. "I am his manager and I feel lost. I loved Michael and I was his friend. I was handling all his affairs." [The Daily Mail]
• Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says he and President Obama talked about Michael Jackson's death this morning. "He said to me that obviously Michael Jackson was a spectacular performer and a music icon and I think everybody remembers hearing his songs and watching him moonwalk on television during Motown's 25th anniversary," Gibbs said. "But the president also said, look, he had aspects of his life that were sad and tragic." [ABC News]
• The House of Representatives paused for a moment of silence to remember Michael Jackson. [AP]
• In response to Michael Jackson's death the DEA is warning that more people die from drug abuse than shootings and that it is the second highest cause of death after car accidents. [Breitbart]
• In 1984 after Michael Jackson visited the White House, Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., who was an associate White House counsel at the time, nixed several pleasant letters that President Reagan would have signed and sent to Michael. In memos Roberts rants about why Jackson was undeserving of special attention from the White House, especially since "some youngsters were turning away from Mr. Jackson in favor of a newcomer who goes by the name 'Prince.'" [N.Y. Times]
• Farrah Fawcett's doctor says she had been hospitalized for the past three weeks, and during that time it was discovered that her cancer had spread to her lungs. Dr. Lawrence Piro says, "We did what she wanted to do, which was to fight until it was over," Piro says. "It wasn't until the last days when the organ function was not retrievable that we knew, and she knew, that comfort measures were the main things to be done. The resolve in her remained until a few hours before she made her transition....Ryan [O'Neal] is very broken up about this. He has good moments and bad moments... The good moments come when he realizes that he was able to stand by her side and help her through this transition. The bad moments come when he realizes that he doesn't know how to face a life without her." [People]
• Farrah Fawcett's funeral will take place at 4 p.m. Pacific on Tuesday, June 30. The private ceremony will be invitation only. [People]
• Producer Nigel Lythgoe confirmed that Katie Holmes will appear on So You Think You Can Dance. but said, "Katie is a small part of what is going on. It's more than Katie." [People]
• Not only is Jeff Goldblum alive and well, but at 56 he's dating former Lost actress Tania Raymonde, who is 21. [The Daily Express]
• Kate Winslet surprised students at her former acting school in England. She answered questions from the students and took part in a drama workshop. [BBC]
• Cameron Diaz made her costars guacamole and chili cheese fries and fajitas on the set of My Sister's Keeper. "She's an incredible cook," said Sofia Vassilieva. "Everything was very organic. Very healthy. She's totally cool to hang out with. She's so nurturing and took care of us." [People]
• Molly Ringwald says being a mother makes it easier to play a mom on The Secret Life of the American Teenager. She says, "Well, I think that once you're a mother, you understand; not to say that people who aren't mothers can't play mothers. I think I played mothers before I was actually a mother in my real life, but I think once you experience that, there are just certain things that you just know. There are certain things that you feel comfortable with, a way of touching your child's head or a way of like wiping dirt off their face. There's just a way that you have, I think, that you don't quite– It's not in your bones, I think, until you actually are a mother. It's obviously a little bit different for me because I'm playing the mother of a teenager and in real life, I'm the mother of a five-year-old. So, it's a little bit different. It's kind of like looking into a crystal ball into the future. But, I think once you're a mother, you kind of always see your kids as a baby anyway no matter how old they get." [Eclipse Magazine]

• Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in talks to play the title role in a modern day adaptation of "Snow White" called The Stepsister Scheme. Megan Fox and Miley Cyrus are also allegedly up for roles. [ShowbizSpy]

• James Franco is a bit tired of answering questions about his on-screen kiss with Milk co-star, Sean Penn. "It's like you can never answer in the right way. If I'm too casual it looks as though I'm making fun of the film. If I don't answer, it looks as though I'm uncomfortable. I can't win," Franco said, before adding, with a smile, "God, I'm being way too serious! OK. You want the simple answer? I had no problem with kissing Sean Penn." [Guardian]
• George Clooney has returned to the set of E.R., and Extra has the photographic proof, showing Clooney in his ol' Dr. Ross scrubs.[Extra]
• 80's teen queen Molly Ringwald is pregnant with twins. In 16 years, she will totally forget their birthdays, setting off a wacky chain of events that culminates with one of her kids being swept away by Jake Ryan outside a church somewhere. [People]
• Is John Cleese's 27-year-old girlfriend really45? [DailyMail]
• Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford has been awarded custody of her 2-year-old son, Hermes, and will be allowed to bring him to NY while she films the series. [Chicago Tribune]
• Drew Barrymore is reportedly gearing up for Charlie's Angels 3: ""It's percolating up," says Drew's producing partner, Nancy Juvonen, "It's rising to the surface."[E!]
• Lily Allen doesn't need an alter-ego to perform: ""I am ... Sasha Fierce," Lily said, after hearing abouy Beyonce's album title, "Good for her. I wake up, check my BlackBerry, have a cup of tea and a fag, and then I am ... Lily Allen. I'm not knocking anyone, but I am not performing." [NYPost]
• In Jennifer Aniston's "uncool" comment to blame for the lack of Academy Award nominations for The Changeling (NO) A "source" says Angelina "feels that Jen's interview had a part to play in her losing out. Critics lauded Angelina's performance in Changeling as phenomenal and there's been lots of Oscar buzz, but now she doesn't think she stands a chance. The judges are notoriously moralistic and they'll think nothing of ensuring that a worthy candidate misses out if they've been embroiled in any scandal." Which makes NO sense, people, because both Brad and Angelina were nominated. [ShowbizSpy]
• In bad idea news: Fox has given the green light to an Americanized version of Absolutely Fabulous, while ABC has ordered a pilot based on The Witches of Eastwick.[EW]
• Robert Pattinson, sparkly vampire extraordinaire, says he likes talented girls. ""If she’s really talented, I don’t really care about the other things," Pattinson says.[ShowbizSpy]
• However! He also believes in love at first sight: "It's absolutely possible that you can meet someone on the street and suddenly fall in love with that person." [ShowbizSpy]
• Will Biggie's murder ever be solved? His mother, Voletta Wallace, still hopes so: ""I am still waiting for that day to come," she says, "But I'm confident, based on evidence that has been brought forth, that in my life time I will see justice done in this case, and that's all I have to say."[People]
• In news that I should have typed in 1998: former LFO singer Rich Cronin says he was stunned when Jennifer Love Hewitt broke up with him. "She has a big heart, but she is more than I can handle," Cronin says, "She would say, 'I love you so much we are never going to break up.' When she dumped me, I was like, 'What?'" He then added: "New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick. But I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer."[USMagazine]

Earlier: The Top 10 Female Product Advertising Icons & The Actresses Who Could Replace Them

• Lindsay and Sam rang in 2009 with yet another tear-drenched fight, this time at Miami International Airport. Linds was so inconsolable on the plane that she was asked if she'd like to disembark.

• As two of our favorite Lezebels, we hope these kids can work it out! [TMZ]
• Heather Locklear's DUI charges have been dismissed and she plead guilty to reckless driving, a misdemeanor. Locklear had prescription drugs in her system when she was arrested last September, but she'll only pay a $700 fine and have three years of informal probation. [TMZ]
• Alanis Morissette says that what inspired her to go on a diet and lose 20 lbs was longevity. "I realized I want to live till I’m 120. There’s a lifestyle that I am now happily creating that can, as best as is possible, prevent most forms of cancer and other diseases." Posing in pleather leggings in Ok! is just an added bonus. [ONTD]
• In his new audio book Ricky Gervais says he wants to tell people who have liposuction and gastric band operations, "You lazy f—-ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might f—-ing die." We have a feeling Gervais may realize just how active the overweight can be when he's swamped with angry letters and phone calls. [The Telegraph]
• Molly Ringwald is pregnant with her second child! Insert your own Brat Pack/Pretty In Pink/Secret Life of the [Knocked Up] American Teenager joke here. [Star]
• Robert Pattinson's life is so hard because he has to wear gold (or perhaps topaz) contact lenses for the Twilight sequel New Moon. They are uncomfortable and hamper his acting. Note to Pattinson: if you whine this much about contacts, your chances of being offered Benjamin Button-type roles in the future are slim. [E!]
• K-Fed's new girlfriend Victoria Prince shares a birthday with Britney, which is clearly some kind of sign from the cosmos. Kevin has been a real gentlemen, opening the car door for his new lady and always paying for their bowling games. "They are definitely a couple – I have seen them kiss," says a source at their local bowling alley. "But they both seem focused on the bowling." [People]
• Despite rumors that Diddy was begging for inauguration tickets, his reps would like to inform you that Diddy does not beg for invites. He was offered tickets by the Obama camp for his work on the campaign trail. Says Diddy, "I'll see ya'll at the inauguration." [TMZ]
• It was reported yesterday that the millions Madonna raised for her own charity Raising Malawi had not been received by the foundation. But apparently they are just being processed by the LA Kaballah Center, which of course, makes perfect sense.[Perez Hilton]
• Rosie O'Donnell wrote this on her blog: "2009 / this year / unplugged / see what happens / on we go / peace out / and in," which means she is never posting on her blog again. We think. [Perez Hilton]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will continue renovating their recently-purchased Australian mansion even though developers are building a 100-dwelling conference center on the other side of their back fence. There is local opposition to the development and the owners offered to just sell it to the couple, but they don't want to get involved in the local squabble. [News.com.au]
• Will Smith has been voted the Top Money-Making Star of 2008 by Quigley Publishing Company. Reese Witherspoon and Angelina Jolie were the only ladies who made the top ten. [PR News Wire]
• "Everyone ages in a really different way. Some people rage, rage against the dying of the light, and some people embrace it. And people age according to how their lives have been physically. And so I really had to think about the fact that Daisy was a dancer and so how would she age? And how would she treat her aging? I thought, well, she'll always wear makeup, and she won't let her hair go, and that her injuries will come back to haunt her later in life, hence the stick (a cane), and I have a slight limp. A limp and a stick often help a character sink in." - Cate Blanchett on playing an older person in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [Reuters]

• The Man is cashing in on National Underwear Day, this ridiculous thing they do in Times Square every year with people running around in undies. This year, those wags will be competing with the pros: "Diesel, Natori, Nautica, Tommy Hilfiger and 2Xist underwear brands will have hotties strutting in their skivvies in a runway show at Espace on Aug. 5. "Lydia Hearst [Who models for Myla - ed] be 10 runway shows."" [Page Six]
• Speaking of unmentionables, Sadie Frost (aka Jude's ex)'s skivvies co, Frost-French, has gone bust to the tune of owing a ton of money. Sources say the actress is devastated. [Mirror]
• Gwyneth Paltrow is teaming up with Saks Fifth Avenue to front its Key to the Cure campaign, a women's cancer initiative. Mrs. Martin will appear in promos and, presumably, sport the tee that Karl Lagerfeld designed for the occasion. [UPI]
• Also in celeb endorsements, apparently Solange Knowles is the new face of Armani Jeans. Quoth Girogio, “Armani Jeans expresses my vision of a young, independent, casual lifestyle with a strong and cool, fashion sensibility. Solange epitomises this style perfectly and brings to it that swing so evident in her new single, I Decided." [Sassybella]

• Diane Von Furstenberg was unanimously reelected head of the Council of Fashion Designers of America. In the past year the CFDA has been active in promoting awareness of health issues in the industry. [WWD]
• Molly Ringwald: "I never thought of myself as an icon...my style was from necessity; my parents kept me on on allowance." [Star Tribune]
• Agyness Deyn is living the American dream, with an apt. in hipster-central Williamsburg, Brooklyn and a brand-new Yank PA. "The girl is responsible for keeping track of Agyness' schedule, travel plans, and general well being, which sounds like the easiest job in the world, since while it's true she's one of the busiest working models right now, she's also one of the nicest and most easygoing that we've ever met." [Fashionista]
• An enormous pair of Queen Victoria's bloomers, dating from the 1890s, just sold at auction for nine grand. Auctioneer Charles Hanson described the 50-inch knickers as belonging to '"a very big lady of quite small stature with a very wide girth." She was said to be 5 feet (1.52 meters) tall.' [AP]
• That woven dress that so wowed Natalie Portman on the second episode of Project Runway? Already sold out on Bluefly. Suede, obviously, released a statement. “I was so excited about this challenge and really wanted to win. Selling my dress on Bluefly is the opportunity of a lifetime. I knew I had to pull out all of the stops to impress this client and especially celebrity judge Natalie Portman, and Suede, "ROCKED IT!" And, now to see the customers responding to my "winning look" like this what a thrill. It is a million times better than immunity! Suede LOVES that!!!" [NY Mag]
• Polo takes Rugby online. [WWD]
• The new crop of Gap ads — featuring the daughter of French Vogue editirice Carine Roitfeld, sont arives! [Fashionista]
• David "Mulder" Duchovny is, for some reason, part of sportswear company Johnston and Murphy's push to be more relevant. "The ads show Duchovny, with a pensive look on his face, wearing Johnston & Murphy sportswear and shoes and, in some creative, accompanied by accessories such as a briefcase and other leather goods. Text reads: "Johnston, Murphy & Duchovny."" [BrandWeek]
• Defying the market, Avon profits jump. [New York Times]
• Bloomingdales to open SpaceNK boutiques within stores. [WWD]
• DKNY collabs with Chandon on sparkling wine. [VogueUK]
• Kinda thought it was still summer, but fashion says No! How to wear 'transitional' clothes. [ElleUK]

Gurinder Chadha Talks About Angus, Thongs And Perfect Snogging [Telegraph]
Maggie Gyllenhaal Interview [AV Club]

• Kazakh model Ruslana Korshunova jumped to her death from her Manhattan apartment in an apparent suicide Saturday. The 20-year-old had been featured on the cover of Vogue and walked for Marc Jacobs, Nina Ricci and DKNY. [CNN]
• Friends say Korshunova had been suffering from health problems and personal stress. [New York Post]
• And in a shocking show of ghoulishness ('poor taste' doesn't begin to approach this one), Fox News has aired footage of her body. [Huffington Post]
• Oy vey.Real World producers sign on for Project Runway. Bring on the hot tub. [Variety]

• First seeing-eye cats guiding dogs, now designers collaborating! What's next, peace in the Middle East? [The Independent]
• Tom Ford seeks to do the impossible: "“For this project, I wanted to reinvent patchouli . . . I loved the idea of mixing patchouli with white florals. We used patchouli orpur, which takes out some of the darker, smoky notes of patchouli. We mixed that with peony, bergamot, and jasmine,” says he of his new, Erykah-Badu-faced "White Patchouli." [Oh No They Didn't]
• Family to take Clarins private. [WWD]
• In a post-Sharon-Stone world: the future of Dior. [Financial Times]
• Bella Freud: "I wish people would take more notice of what's going on in Palestine because if they knew the level of suffering of the Palestinian people, they would be outraged and appalled. People would demand that something should be done." [The Independent]
• Gellin' like Magellan' is apparently complete nonsense. [Los Angeles Times]
• Twiggy's daughter is staying off the runway. [Mail on Sunday]
• Kaiser Karl: the ultimate arbiter. [Guardian]
• A day after her sentencing, Naomi Campbell —surprise! — hits the catwalk. Um, in a men's show. [Los Angeles Times]
• Liberty of London opens first boutique. [WWD]
• Recessionistas take note: virtual H&M opens in new, depressing Sims world. [Los Angeles Times]
• So, that hair extension Kate Moss lost? You can buy it on eBay. [Sassybella]
• In a match made in...an insane asylum, Master P relaunches his line exclusively for Wal-Mart. [Reuters]
• Green cosmetics take it to the fields. [New York Times]
• Sit tight for today's Ebay knockoff ruling! [Breitbart]
• Old-school Converse goes high-tech with new interactive marketing. [Adweek]
• Oh, that should make the Queen happy. Kate Middleton, aka "Prince Williams maybe-fiancee" is a maybe-model. [Daily Express]
• Molly Ringwalg gets the fashion-icon props she deserves! [Los Angeles Times]
• Oh, and I guess Helene Rochas qualifies too. [W]
• Recession? What recession? Fabulously wealthy keeps the good times rolling for Paris couture. [WWD]

K-Fed smokes at a gas station. And lives, unfortunately.

The President of Namibia writes a thank you note to Brangelina.

Tori Spelling. Point and laugh.

Find your inner bratpacker. We're Molly Ringwald. Of course.