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New York, 7:52 PM
Thu Nov 26
42 posts in the last 24 hours
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08/12/09
08/12/09
The damage caused by it still sticks. I'm almost 37 and it still keeps me awake many nights. My personal relationships have suffered because of it. Many of us (grown adults now) struggle with alcohol addiction. It's an ongoing battle. The guilt is the worst. Even though I know I'm not to blame, the shame of it just kills me.
Thanks for letting me share. I'm glad that I'm not alone.
08/11/09
My male cousin, who is now 24, attended an out-of-state private school in elementary and middle school. He was molested by a female teacher, then in her 20's, when he was 12 and 13. From what I understand, at the time it was treated more like he was in trouble for having sex so young. I just found about this maybe a year ago and I was furious as to how it was handled, and frankly, how lightly a lot of my family seemed to have taken it at the time and still do to this day. I was feeling like the freak for not chuckling a bit and being stunned and disgusted. My family is wonderful in many ways, but I was very surprised by th way some of them reacted to all of this. I am not all that close with my cousin now and he seems, at least outwardly, to be very well-adjusted. However, I'm curious if I truly knew him, if I would be able to see ways in which the abuse possibly affected him.
By the way, the teacher was fired several years ago for doing the same thing to another boy. Sick.
08/11/09
Hard as it has been to deal with, I feel it's been easier for me than for the men in my life who've been molested/raped by women (father, two exes) because they all had such difficulty naming it as a violation. "I enjoyed it, never felt exploited" etc. It's like the cultural crap about male sexual dominance just added a whole extra layer of denial and confusion for them to work through. It's notable that all three of them struggled with compulsive sexual behavior with women as adults too.
08/11/09
Like most people, I know several friends and family members who have been sexually abused, assaulted, and/or raped. The sheer number is rather overwhelming, and I can see the many, insidious, long-lasting effects of these incidents, especially of childhood sexual abuse, in the lives of my loved ones. The one male I know who is an abuse victim was sexually abused by his older sister as a young teenager, and it affected his entire life, and the shame of it was so great that he didn't confess it to anyone (and never to his parents while they lived) until 30 or 40 years later. I don't really have a point except to say that it's heartbreaking, and the lack of acceptance of the idea of female abusers combined with (in this case) the stigma against the idea of male victims just makes it incredibly difficult for people to get the help they need.
08/11/09
08/11/09
There's also the added shame in female to male abuse, because of sexual arousal. Which can happen to anyone being molested or assaulted. It's an automatic response. Not all sexual assault is the violent kind. Which is why it can be so insidious and shameful for those who experience it.
The way things like that teacher above have been made into "acceptable" because of that makes me ill. It never, ever, ever, matters what a child may sexually respond to or want. An adult should NEVER be putting them in that position. Ever. It's wrong and horrible.
And women are just as capable of doing awful things to other people. It doesn't take a penis to be horrible.
08/11/09
Part of it is that it was a deeper betrayal because it was a parent who hurt me, but an even larger part is other people's view of women as sexual predators. Female on female incest is presented as "hot" in mainstream discussions. I've been kicked out of feminist communities and called an MRA troll for bringing up the fact that women abuse too, even though I pointed out that I nonetheless don't worry when I pass a group of women in the street at night, and that I've never been sexually heckled or groped in public by a strange woman. I've had people insist that my mother is as much a victim as I am - that she only hurt me because a man hurt her first, never mind that I'm pretty sure my great-uncle and cousin who molested me were also victims of childhood sexual abuse. People insist that my abuse by men had to be worse because there was a penis involved - which, in a twisted way, upsets me as a feminist because it works with the assumption that female sexuality is weak and passive.
A male friend of mine was molested by his female babysitter when he was seven. In high school, one of our female gym teachers would surreptitiously fondle herself while she watched us shower.
These things happen, and I believe they happen in numbers far exceeding what most people suspect. And beyond that, I believe that we can talk about female sexual predators without taking away from the seriousness of how society encourages male sexual predators.
08/11/09
08/11/09
It is so frustrating to deal with, because even the people who are trained to recognize sexual abuse do not want to admit that it happens, even though my brother, who received most of it, displays so many of the symptoms of someone who was sexually abused. And because it was treated like it was just "normal" abuse, there was no push to get him into counseling, or any push to charge her with any crimes.
I don't know how this attitude can be changed, but I really wish it would be. My brother is 20 now, and is mocked so much for having no desire for romantic/sexual relationships, but how can he explain why?
08/11/09
The only way female sexual predation can be honestly examined and dealt with is if those with firsthand knowledge feel able to speak out. I'm grateful and amazed that this site provides what some feel to be a safe forum for exposing one's experiences in such a powerful way.
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Also, check out the YA book "Boy Toy" by Barry Lyga. Very well written story from the point of view of a teenage boy whose female, married teacher convinces him they are in love.
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