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Posts Tagged “
modern love
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massive multiplayers
the fog of dude
The "Natalie Portman Breakup Fantasy" That Got One Soldier Through The Iraq War
What possessed the vast preponderance of the humans throughout history to endure the misery of everyday existence? Yeah, I would still be wasting time pondering that sort of thing, which is why I read the weekend's Modern Love, the work of a soldier recently home from Iraq, where he went in pursuit of that abject wretchedness of which so much of my generation has been deprived. He lived in an abandoned building without running water among rotting corpses and constant mortar fire. The temperature hovered around 120 and he got a shower every 6 to 12 days. "It was everything I had ever hoped to experience in the military. It really was," he says. And the thing that got him through: fantasizing about Natalie Portman. Or more to the point: fantasizing about dumping Natalie Portman.
More »
point/counterpoint
"Modern Love" College Edition: The Most Depressing Ever? I Ask My Sister In College
"Love: Really Now, There Is No Topic More Depressing" is generally the theme of the Sunday New York Times feature "Modern Love," whose most famous installment chronicled the author's efforts to train her husband as she might any other mammal of above-average intelligence. (Other columns have grappled with how hard it is to get into sex when you're a stripper, the profound sense of alienation that follows an unwanted divorce, how dudes today are irredeemably awful and women could potentially be worse, etc.) Yesterday's installment, the winner of a college essay contest, did not diverge from this theme. The author, a woman born in the late eighties, reflects on a few brief years spent dating noncommittal dudes in New York. "Over the summer there was the Jesuit taking a break from the seminary," she writes. He stopped calling after she refused to sleep with him on their third date. Now, clearly, she probably should have known better, since a dude just out of the seminary is not going to want to fuck around on second base (or whatever) but the overall message was kind of creepy-familiar, reminding me of this one time a friend and sometime fuck-buddy asked of me, "Who made you so cold?" More »
fun new procrastination tools
Doesn't Anyone Write Like A Fucking Chick Anymore?
Gals. I gotta tell you about something. It's this new internet algorithm thingy, and it's taking over my life. You know how we're interested in the ways men and women write differently? Well this thing called the Gender Guesser, is supposed to guess the gender of someone based on a passage he/she has written. It's not 100% accurate — "men should not be offended if it says you write like a girl," they're quick to state — but I'll tell ya, it's 100% maddening. I've been plugging every fucking piece of writing I can think of. But it's like: no matter what we write, it comes back freaking male. That Charlotte Allen essay on how women are stupid: 64.77% MALE. Katha Pollitt's rebuttal: 64.06% MALE. A Modern Love column penned a few years ago by Jezebel editor Jessica Grose about crying on the subway: 57.96% MALE. The girliest thing I could fucking find was the first page of motherfucking Ulysses, which was 56.51% male. Motherfucking Ulysses?! What girl likes that book? Doesn't anyone write like a girl anymore? More »
modern love
"Liberated Feminists" Or Not, It Takes Two To Homewreck
Today's Daily Mail, the paper we love to hate, has a story about "modern mistresses." Frances Jackson is a 28 year old publicist who loved having an affair with a married man. "Being a mistress fitted perfectly into my life," she says. "I liked having a lover, dinners and dates and spending the night at my house together once a week. But I also loved it that Andrew couldn't spend every minute with me. It meant I could still socialize with my three girl friends." The story claims that Frances and her three friends "swap breathless secrets of adulterous affairs, stolen sex with married men and lavish lies fed to the unknowing victims of their actions." Frances would turn to her friends for advice. "We reasoned that as long as the affair was on my terms and I didn't get hurt then I should just enjoy it." But although the paper paints these single women as dangerous man-eaters, only Frances knowingly had an affair with a married man. More »
the week that was
This Week We Discovered Sexual Fucking
- Cosmo EIC Kate White taught us about fudge but appeared uncomfortable with discussions about fudge-packing.
- Maybe that's why her cover lines are so tired. She needs a dose of sexual fucking instead of old fashioned erotic sex.
- Forget fucking. We wanna see Christina Aguilera play Samantha from Sex and the City over and over again.
- It's a sight more entertaining than that crappy SATC trailer.
- Or Candace Bushnell's annoyingly needy column.
- And anyway, we need some trannie humor after that Modern Love made us hate ourselves.
- Let's just watch Fat Camp and be grateful that we still have our hair bows.
group hug!
The 5 Steps To Recovering From The "Modern Love" That Will Make You Hate Women
Okay so by now at least half of you have read that Modern Love column in the New York Times of last Sunday by a woman who, ever since being date raped, hates women. It makes more sense than that! He was in a fraternity; she a sorority. He was partaking in some ritual whereby a frat guy takes a drunk girl to a ledge and fucks her in full view of his frat brothers; she was said drunk girl. But she was actually too drunk for the ritual to work and not be "rape," and although no charges were filed, she didn't even consider that etc. etc. he was exiled from his fraternity, and before long college altogether. And then, she was exiled from her sorority, in one of those evil gossip campaigns orchestrated by that sort of female groupthink that makes Lord of the Flies look tame, and oh my god the sorority sisters were so cruel they were like, evil movie sorority sisters... and now 20 years later she still can't get close to women. She's a femalesogynist. One of those girls who only makes friends with dudes! One of those women whose brain is constantly playing host to those rogue neurons whispering: "WOMEN. Why the fuck are they so complicated? Why the fuck are they so cruel sometimes? And competitive? And high-maintenence? Fuck women! I'm never hanging out with them again..." More »
Yes, we noticed yesterday's "Modern Love" column in the NY Times about the terrible, horrible no good, very bad Greek system, but you see, Moe needed the day off to work up the appropriate amount of bile to address the issue. She'll be back tomorrow with a rant to delight all your senses. [New York Times]
evening purge
Go And See The Simpsons Movie Already, Guys!
Now that we have all these people working for Jezebel who actually wake up on time to do their posts the end-of-day roundup of shit we didn't get to during the work day falls upon me. Think of it as a daily purge. I suggest you stay around at work waiting for it because you will be the most informed person at happy hour and that's a good way of making up for being the most drunk. So without further ado, good evening. The Dow, Nasdaq and S&P 500 are all starting to recover from the horrible blow that was the iPhone's merely preposterous and not universe-altering sales, and this and this were all I found looking for smutty ticker symbols to celebrate the twin blessings of a healthy market and National Orgasm week. Okay, so!- I woke up late.
- Now I know how I will go about never waking up again. [Telegraph]
- Some grooms apparently have vaginas. [Daily Mirror]
- Which explains why post-partum depression is so very very tough on them. [ABC News]
- Science may have found a way to solve Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe just all those coke-addicted mice out there. [Daily Mail]
- A rule of thumb for tipping your sperm child: it should be at least as much as the spank bank paid you for the DNA. [NYT]
- This is going to totally shock Lula Mae Broadway but I never saw any of Ingmar Bergman's films [Wash Post]
- And I won't see anything until after I see the Simpsons movie everyone else saw while I was attending to my drinking problem. [WSJ]
