MEGAN: Oh, hello there! How were your protests yesterday? We talked about spanking without you.

JASON: The protest was modestly-sized, but passionate. If you caught the story on Cavuto last night, I spoke to the same woman from the Mahoning Valley that he did, who was very nice in that she allowed me to ask her many silly questions, like if she was jealous of the attention John McCain gave the Georgians, and whether Cindy McCain, if she bought their tent city, would count each tent as a separate residence or if collectively, the tent city would be a single domicile.

MEGAN: Yeah, I don't normally watch Cavuto because I've normally got my head deep in my computer writing the news round-up for the end of the night, but she sounds nice!

JASON: She was very nice. So, okay, speaking of forays into the lives of working class women, we have Maureen Dowd this morning.

MEGAN: Oh, God, any segue that starts off that way normally makes me want to tear out my hair. What did she spew now?

JASON: Anna sent me a link to her column. And mind you, I usually consider someone forwarding me her columns as a type of assault. But this being Anna, I knew that it was important, dangerous work that needed to be done. So I'm reading it, and honestly? Through three paragraphs — which in Dowd-ese means "three hastily constructed sentence fragments" — she does okay. But then you get this:

"The Wall Street Journal reported that McCain was thinking about taking Palin to the U.N. General Assembly next week so she can shake hands with some heads of state. You can’t contract foreign policy experience like a rhinovirus. To paraphrase the sniffly Adelaide in “Guys and Dolls,” a poy-son could develop a cold war."

Fugue For Tinears! I mean, that's the op-ed version of being clouted with a ball peen hammer.

MEGAN: Honestly, if I wasn't wearing my glasses, I would have smacked myself upon reading that. Who says that? Who thinks that?!!

JASON: Maureen Dowd is JUST THE WORST. Murder your darlings, darling! The rhinovirus line was sufficient!

MEGAN: Well, speaking of the over-privileged...

JASON: Anyway, that fucking travesty was about Carly Fiorina. I sense that your taking it in that direction? Since we're on the subject of travesties?

MEGAN: No, actually, I wanted to talk about Lynn Forester de Rothschild, who Moe and I mocked last week for her horrendous editorial about elitism, and is now endorsing John McCain. Like, bitch went to the Democratic convention on the motherfucking platform committee, but she's endorsing John McCain this week. Because, as an elitist, she know elitism when she sees is and DESPITE WRITING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY PLATFORM she's going to vote for John McCain because Obama wasn't nice enough to her.

JASON: What a relief! I had thought that we might end up with Dischord Records releasing a ROTHCHILDS AGAINST ELITISM compilation disc or something! Let's talk elitism. Here's the lede from Portfolio's profile on Lynn:

"When 67-year-old British banking scion Sir Evelyn Rothschild first set eyes on 44-year-old Lynn Forester at the 1998 Bilderberg conference—the matchmaker was none other than Henry Kissinger—she was already a woman of major means."

I mean, wow. Kissinger and the Bilderberg conference come up RIGHT OFF THE BAT. So, you know going in that this is the woman who will cure us of our elitism.

MEGAN: I guess she really, really, really knows elitism. That's about the most amusingly gagable description of a meet-cute since I didn't read the New York Times wedding announcements last weekend. Also, the woman helped write the Democratic party's fucking platform, but because she's got a personal distaste for the candidate elected to represent and implement that platform, she's going to publicly support, campaign for and vote for the guy who represents and plans to implement the polar opposite.

JASON: What I see as the problem is that this person was allowed within a million miles of the Democratic party platform. They should be glad she turned into a self-lancing boil.

MEGAN: I mean, what I want to know is: what sections did she work on? I mean, obviously not the ones on energy, the environment, reproductive freedom, marriage equity, equal pay, women in the military, taxes, health care... so, what's left? Is there a section on wealthy baronesses?

MEGAN: Um, WHOA, our embassy in Yemen just got bombed. MSNBC says 16 people are dead so far. But no Americans so far.

JASON: Ten Yemeni civilians, though.

MEGAN: Well, since when did suicide bombers care about their own people? They have a political point to make about... something.

JASON: True. Reports say that snipers opened fire on the first responders, too. Another terrorist act brought to you by the people we will not go and fight.

MEGAN: That is, notably, the second attack we've faced in Yemen, in case anyone's forgotten.

JASON: There was a mortar attack on the Embassy earlier this year, as well.

MEGAN: Well, let's play newscasters and make our sad/serious faces now and quickly changes the subject back to something "sexy". Like Carly Fiorina.

JASON: Yes. We'll get a thorough dose of grandstanding from Senators McCain and Obama later.

MEGAN: And then we can talk about it again! So, let's talk about Carly Fiorina and her ego. Is it just me spending too many hours with Republicans, or do you recall a lot of times hearing that we needed someone to run this country more like a business? Like, say, Mitt Romney.

JASON: One of the hallmark arguments the GOP has made, IN MY LIFETIME, was that the U.S. of A. COULD BE RUN LIKE A BUSINESS!!!

MEGAN: Just not, apparently, with McCain or Palin at the helm.

JASON: Really? Should Carly Fucking Fiorina be lecturing ANYONE on how to run a business?

MEGAN: Hey, I am happy to let her spout off again McCain and Palin. Let's not stop her, please? She knows a lot, from personal experiences, about the kind of people that shouldn't be CEOs.

JASON: Yesterday, Andrea Mitchell was basically taunting her about her own golden parachute, even as John McCain is vowing to end the practice. (And don't ask me how the federal government achieves THAT.) And she said that with her it was different!

MEGAN: Well, of course hers was different.

JASON: ...that her severance package was decided for her, put to a vote. And that constituted real reform! Two things on this.

One: Yes, Carly. I am sure that there was a vocal faction of Hewlett Packard decision makers who were like: "You know what? We need to consider not giving her all these millions of dollars. Because we need to send a clear message to shareholders that we hired an incompetent woman to run this company. THAT WILL WORK."

Two: The process Fiorina describes is commonplace! That's how these golden parachutes get strapped to these morons' backs. These disgraced CEOs aren't, you know, actually PLUNDERING THEIR COMPANIES COFFERS WITH A SCIMITAR CLENCHED IN THEIR TEETH.

MEGAN: Also, it's all super-clubby up in there.

JASON: Not that John McCain could stop that, either! He had an ad up, exclaiming ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! And then three hours later, the government bails out AIG.

MEGAN: Last night, I seriously turned off the computer and TV, took a short nap and went to dinner and by the time I got there, the entire bar was watching the news of the AIG bailout — and I don't even live in NY! And it's not like golden parachutes aren't "voted" on, but they're "voted" on in the same way that North Koreans "vote" for Kim Jong Il.

JASON: Right! Minus the exciting visual of those adorable goosestepping lady soldiers! AND THEY ARE ADORABLE! I want to SQUEEZE those crazy ladies! Who says intractable fascism can't have a Cute Overload aspect to it?

MEGAN: I never did understand why dictatorships continue to allow goosestepping to remain alive.

JASON: Could you imagine having, like, a three-inch tall brigade of North Korean lady soldiers skipping all around your apartment. I would be like, OMGZ THAT IS TEH CUTENESS.

MEGAN: I think they should be at least 10 inches.

JASON: Jeezy creezy! Is the Dow already down 209 points today??

MEGAN: I love, by the way, that the NYSE was opened today by "Emeritus Senior Living." Where John McCain would retire, if he didn't have the right to die, senile and crapping his pants, in office. Sidenote: Bob Casey is on MSNBC right now and, um, man needs to wax that unibrow.

JASON: You know, credit John McCain. He has, to my knowledge, never crapped his pants. Yesterday, Carly crapped hers twice on national teevee.

MEGAN: See, I prefer to think of that sort of appearance as vomiting up the bile from her soul.

JASON: You won't be seeing her on teevee for a while, either.

MEGAN: Well, my days will no doubt be burdened by that.

JASON: More time for Empress Nancy Pfotenhauer. And Tucker Bounds! And now the Lady de Rothschild!

• Noted anti-fur activist has some advice for noted huntress Sarah Palin: "She can suck it." Yet another woman with a legitimate policy disagreement with Sarah Palin. [Huffington Post]
• By the way, Todd Palin's about to break his subpoena cherry, as he's expected to be subpoenaed to testify about his role in TrooperGate. God, if only the Congress could subpoena people to testify about wrongdoing in the Bush Administration! Wait, that's right, they could, but then they wouldn't get their bellies scratched. [Wall Street Journal]
• Once upon a time, in a primary far, far away, John McCain said that former Governor Mitt Romney and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani (pop: 8,000,000, attacked by terrorists in 2001) didn't have enough national security experience to be President. [Huffington Post]

• Unsurprisingly, Sarah Palin's next interview will be with Sean Hannity next week. Apparently, Charlie Gibson wasn't fawning enough. [New York Observer]
• Not that it matters whether he was or not, probably, since McCain's now ahead in the polls for the first time. Apparently, more people think that he is inexperienced than believe that Sarah Palin is. No, for real. [Associated Press]
• Oh, and of course Sarah Palin signed off on the budgets that cut funding for rape kits in Wasilla. [Huffington Post]

MOE: Hey we can sort of start now if you want, though I'm still mostly reading through stuff. I just bought some beer because I think I'm the soberest person in Philadelphia right now. (The Eagles won a REALLY CLOSE game with the Rams today.) But here's something fun:

Mr. Rove said Mr. Schmidt’s increased authority — which came about after what amounted to a coup by Mr. Schmidt and other McCain aides with ties to the 2004 campaign, that gave him equal status with the campaign manager, Rick Davis — has been the best thing to have happened to Mr. McCain.

Oh God, Karl Rove. How do you do it, Karl Rove? You secure the election of a president so incompetent and widely loathed he decimates your party, then you leave the business for the media. Once in the media you commence bashing the media. You bash the media for asking questions about — not reporting, just asking around about — a rumor.

MEGAN: I am well on my way to non-Eagles-related drunkenness and I still cannot believe Steve Schmidt. Or Karl Rove. Like, seriously, did we watch the same speech? Only I thought it totally bombed and I talked to a shit load of Republicans at the wake today and people thought it fucking killed.

MOE: The sordid details of which are clearly, creepily reminiscent of the (much more easily refutable) rumor you disseminated to nastily defeat your boss's rival in the 2000 Republican primaries. And eight years later, said rival's distance from your old boss being the single-most compelling trait for Republicans to safely rally around, your old cronies take over his campaign, choosing a running mate whose most salient characteristic besides her nice bod is that she was the only member of the shortlist with a dearth of accomplishments deeper than that of your old boss in 2000, and then exploit the scurrilousness of said (much less obviously mendacious) rumor about said running mate's "personal" life to smear the "media"… (And who is paying for this? The media. "I'm not in the media, I'm around the media" is I believe how Rove put it…)

MEGAN: I wonder, honestly, if Rove even takes himself seriously at this point. I mean, the Palin Blake Slate is one of the reasons she was chosen.

MOE: Nah, he can't possibly. I actually find him more amusing than offensive at this point. Although maybe that's just because I read Safire today.

MEGAN: I did not read Safire today. I honestly feel like reading columnists is like a job that I don't get paid enough to do.

MOE: Don't let it hurt your teeth too much.

MEGAN: Honestly, at the point at which he says that Broder was the only fair pundit in attendance that night, it's hard to gag while I'm laughing so fucking hard.

MOE: And in shades of Friday's "Wow, I can't believe I'm going to calm myself down by talking about Bill O'Reilly," I entreat you to calm yourself down, after taking a gander over there, with the soothing relative sanity being preached by Chuck Krauthammer.

MEGAN: Oh, wait, he said something true:

The McCain acceptance speech reads better than it was read.

Oh, wait, here he's back to teabagging McCain:

That called for McCain to set aside his longtime reluctance to recount publicly his wartime suffering.

Ummmm, you know, except for his FUCKING MEMOIRS.

MOE: Oh shit, I am starting to find Palin so relatable though! Back in Wasilla they used to call her base of support the Liquor Cabinet.

MEGAN: Man, I would totally vote for the Liquor Cabinet.

MOE: Oh dear, and here her ex-brother in law admits he used a Taser on his 10-year-old son.

MEGAN: Ugh, that is super lame. Also, did you notice that after her announcement, she took her bouffant-y twist out? One of my reporter friends was like, she wears it like that to seem taller, she's gonna have to take it out for the campaign, McCain isn't tall enough.

MOE: Oh God Janice Min Janice Minnnn I'm boycotting you now:

“She out Obama’ed Obama with her speech,” said Janice Min, the editor of Us Weekly, who said the criticism of its coverage would pass soon enough. “She came on like a supermom who is not going to take a lot of guff from anyone. The way media works now, it is impossible to separate the personal from the political, and I think her role as a celebrity — how she does on that level — could have a significant effect on the election.”

Yeah I noticed it; I believe they decreed it to be Hepburn-esque in the New York Post. Here, exhibit five.

MEGAN: I didn't tell you! David Carr interviewed me for that piece at the Vanity Fair-Google party... and didn't use my quote. But it might be because I was drinking enough that Ana Marie Cox was like... um, what are you drinking? Because I was sort of lapping her on her alcohol acquisition. That's not the best sign, probably. Ok, I've found my first reason to be actively and yet completely unreasonably against Sarah Palin, other than the whole anti-choice thing: the use of multiple exclamation points:

"New administration finally allows new input, fresh ideas and ENERGY to work with the public to shape this city!!!"

MOE: Ok and I've found my first reason to reconsider my general assertion that the media hasn't been overstepping:

And yet, you get the feeling that at the end of the day, she could shake out that lustrous mane (longer than any other major female U.S. political figure's) and get it on with her man. She wears skirts that are quite form-fitting and often goes without stockings. As ZZ Top might say, she's got legs, and she knows how to use 'em. When Sen. John McCain introduced her at an Aug. 29 campaign rally in Dayton, Ohio, she was wearing open-toed red patent leather shoes.

That is the resident fashion critic at the LA Times.

MEGAN: Um, fucking gross. Also, I have peep toed pumps, that obviously means I'm a fucking whore.

MOE: Well you're obviously a fucking whore. But so am I and I have three pairs of shoes, everyone knows that.

But, oh my God and she is totally the Britney Spears of MILFs.

Palin held her baby in her arms as the warden drove a short distance around the facility, said corrections director Joe Schmidt, who sat next to Palin. A few days later, the governor got a warning from her public safety commissioner that someone had complained that she did not strap Trig into a car seat for the ride.

Palin dismissed the complaint as petty, and the commissioner, whom she appointed, took no formal action. But the incident shows the degree to which family and politics are bound together in Palin's career.

MEGAN: Yes, I mean, shoes do not equal whore, like, wtf is the LA Times fashion critic talking about?

MOE: Um, is that really what "the incident shows" Washington Post?? Or does the incident show that SARAH PALIN IS A TERRIBLE MOTHER WHO NOT FOR NO REASON AT ALL LEAKED AMNIOTIC FLUID ALL OVER THAT PLANE (or whatever.)

MEGAN: Ok, well, that doesn't say back seat or front seat, plus it doesn't mention whether she was breast feeding or not. I dunno, I got kicked out of a bar for being there with a pregnant friend who was like I JUST WANTED ONE GLASS OF WINE. Also, my vagina leaks a lot, particularly when I'm ovulating. I'm like sloppy, annoyingly wet.

MOE: Ugh that is so annoying. Didn't they read the story about how you can actually binge drink during pregnancy so long as you only do it a few times a month or so?

MEGAN: I don't know, they were complete assholic assholes about it.

MOE: OOOOOOH maybe you are just female ejaculating all the time like those women in those other stories who have orgasms all the time and have to strap miniature vibrators to their underwear just to get through the day????

MEGAN: Nah, when I was a teenager, I went to my doctor and she said it was normal. Like, it's my body being like IMPREGNATE ME!! But, fuck that bitch, I have an IUD.
Anyway, so if she got 600 votes in her first election and 900 in her second, then despite what Mitt Romney said, she didn't get as many votes in two elections as Joe Biden got in Iowa.

MOE: Hahaha oh Mitt Romney, please watch him now in this clip I made of that speech — well actually I had Nick McGlynn make it, thank you Nick — but I sat through the speech for the purpose of conveying in 42 seconds how insane it was. And I was pretty sure that crap about Biden getting fewer votes was, in Noonan parlance, "bullshit" but thanks for that.

MEGAN: I heard that and I was like... yeah, there's no way that's true. I used up 90 percent of my internet connection Wednesday night proving it.

MOE: Yeah, the thing that sucks about these Republicans is that they don't care if you fact-check them. I really wish Plouffe or whoever could just get up and say something equally outrageous and blasphemous like…hold on…like how about, "Sarah Palin ran a town that is smaller than many high schools!" Oh wait, that's true, hm, or like, what about "Sarah Palin's fiscally conservative policies managed to sink that tiny little town into enough debt to buy a brand-new Prius for every household in it TOO BAD HER HUSBAND IS THE TOOL OF ALL THOSE STUPID OIL COMPANIES." Ughhhhhh but that would also be true I think!

MEGAN: Oh, shit, another convention story I meant to mention: I met David Gregory in a Starbucks. He's replacing Matthews and Olbermann as anchors. Only, back at Wonkette (now erased in this server migration), I posted this video of him dancing to Mary J. and my friend Eric Brewer tracked him to a video of Obama dancing on Ellen and he had a poll about who was better and Gregory won. So, I was like, hey, so, like, I did this video of you and Obama dancing and he was like, oh, I totally saw that. And then I blushed and got totally awkies.

MOE: Well in lieu of lending credence to the scurrilous rumor I heard about Palin's heroic son in the Army I am going to ask you if you read today's Filkins piece in the Times Magazine about how Pakistan has turned into the Minneapolis of the Terrorist Convention and part of that is flaky Benazir Bhutto's fault for thinking it was a good idea to arm the mujahadeen back when we also thought that was a good idea, oh and did we mention history and that repeating itself thing, as comforting as it is to know that people make the same stupid mistakes and repeat all the same fuckups even in places where the average citizen doesn't consume a metric tonne of alcohol every month, it is not very comforting at all actually. Here it is. Obama was good on this issue the other night with O'Reilly, incidentally, not that O'Reilly had any idea.

MEGAN: I keep meaning to watch the O'Reilly shit, but my parents don't have cable. Anyways, anyone who elects Zadari deserves what they get, sort of like how I feel the overwhelming majority of people who either voted in GWB for a second term or — more likely — didn't fucking bother to vote better not now be bitching about their adjustable rate mortgage, I tell you what. Even people in Pakistan know he's a Thaksin-level corrupt asshat — and they probably have some idea who the fuck Thaksin is, too. Also, I object to the assertion that I consume a metric tonne of alcohol a month. That's why I mostly drink wine and hard liquor, to keep the tonnage down.

MOE: Oh god yeah Thailand, we could discuss that too, and Freddie and Fannie, THE NIGHT COULD LAST FOREVER. But what's hot right now? I thought the Times magazine story by Frum on Republicans and income inequality was interesting, if namely for its incongruity following a week during which the proverbial Bullshit, as Janice Min so eloquently pointed out, triumphed so decisively over Shit That Actually Matters.

MEGAN: Wait, income inequality? Get yourself some fucking bootstraps, yo. Does anyone even fucking know what bootstraps are?

MOE: Whoa, the origins of all the Palin kid names! Turns out that taken together they all come together to mean "CANNY ATTEMPTS TO DEFLECT OBVIOUS CORPORATE BEHOLDENNESS BY INGRATIATING SELVES TO NATURE FETISHIZING IDIOCRACY" or just "FLAGRANT POLITICKING RIGHT FROM THE START." Fuck I somehow didn't realize Sarah Palin married Todd because she was knocked up. That is so rouge cou.

MEGAN: I mean, it's like a month, tops that they knew. Chances are, like other super-Catholic friends of mine, they boned a little early and found out a couple weeks after the wedding regardless.

MOE: Nah nah Track was born eight months after they eloped "to save money." I dunno, it's funny. God, who gets pregnant the first time they have sex? Well, I have a friend whose parents did, but how crazy. Oh man it's getting late though I guess. And there's still so much! Damn the weekend for being over.

MEGAN: Well, luckily, I opened a magnum of wine! I got plenty of time!

MOE: Ok i'm getting another beer. Dogfish 90 minute IPA, not that they're sponsoring me. Not that i would LET THEM.

MEGAN: I've got a Yellowtail Cabernet. I am not going to pretend if a winery wanted to sponsor my blogging I would deny them the opportunity, but I would rather it be something non-corporate like Guglielmo or Hecker Pass, two of my favorite family wineries.

MOE: Ugh are we too far-gone — and too far down on the moral authority pay grade — to weigh in on Biden's belief that life begins at conception? Because personally I am inclined to say "well sure it does, so what" but you all know how paranoid I am about seeming "flip."

MEGAN: I mean, Biden's a Catholic, that's the party line, right? I just don't buy that. I don't believe it in the slightest. I'm not sure I believe in a soul. Potential life? Ok, maybe, but all evidence is that plenty of potential lives are ejected regularly from women's bodies. I just... I just don't buy that a zygote is A Life.

MOE: Right, well the "soul" is a different matter. As I think we might have discussed before, there's a genuine debate within the believers in souls as to how a soul could be formed at conception, then split into two separate souls two weeks later. Anyway "Life" …bacteria is life. Now human life is more important than animal life, but ughhhh if embryo life or fetus life was as precious as regular fully formed human life you would think there would be a huge public health campaign to finally put an end to the mysterious plague that silently kills as many as one in four humans before they even have the chance to get heartbeats! But there is not. And now I am tired.

MEGAN: My sister's fiancé was just asking when I was going to bed. I could stop drinking and try that out.

MOE: Yeah this is the longest Crappy Hour ever already I think. I've been drinking really slow and am still tired and I think that is a sign.

MEGAN: Ok, so, I'll check you at an abortion-esque ungodly hour on Tuesday.

MOE: Oh, but that David Gregory story was awesome.

MEGAN: There's nothing like embarrassing oneself in a Starbucks full of Republicans to make embarrassing oneself on the Internet seem totes minor.

MEGAN: You know what sucks most of all about this? Getting up at 7:50 am is being "late."

JASON: Ha. Yes. Central Time.

MEGAN: Or Mountain Time. Or just, I want to sleep in one. single. day. Anyway, so, Denver. Republicans. Palin. Opinions?

JASON: Well, in the first place with Palin, we can see two things. One, she's fantastically unqualified to be vice-president. Two, what she lacks in qualification she makes up for in sheer raw talent. So she has almost nothing to add to the McCain ticket, and, indeed, the returns will begin to diminish almost as soon as the lights go out tonight. But she has a bright future.

MEGAN: I mean, I was sitting there last night going, why is being a community organizer a bad thing? 4 years ago or 8 years ago, wasn't the GOP all into charitable works? Making up for smaller government through private charity? How does that service to one's community, like, not count? Why was it boo-able?

JASON: I'm quite sure that Pat Buchanan was savagely beating himself off last night. He was back in his hotel room, moaning, "I'm like Ernest Borgnine! I'MA LIVE FOREVAH!"

MEGAN: Wow, that was a mental image I didn't need this early in the day. Mostly because I've spent this week surrounded by Pat Buchanans. If I didn't need to vomit when I got up, I sure as shit do now.

JASON: Yeah, I poured a lake of hot fire all over the constant slagging of community organizers last night. I want to point out to the Jezebel readership that on September 11, McCain and Obama are scheduled to appear at a forum on community service and volunteerism. Call their organizers. Let em know what McCain thinks about them. What did you think of Palin? Are you feeling it? Ready to do some aerial wolf hunting?

MEGAN: I mean, the roars in the audience were wild, for real, like, I know I was in the press booth at Invesco and couldn't hear them that well, but the Republicans loved her. Also, in a way I couldn't see, apparently, staffers were trying to give Giuliani the hook when he started to run over and he ignored them, bumping the end of Palin's speech out of prime time. Way to ingratiate yourself, Rudy!

JASON: Yeah, they had to scrap a video montage that was supposed to introduce Palin. Rudy ran over, but the real culprit has to be these three days of substantial schedule changes. No one seems to know which way is up. It's strange, because this convention seems to have taken on the strange, improvisational aspect of the McCain campaign itself, where every morning is a new opportunity to reinvent the goddamned wheel. Yesterday, though, they had much better raw material. Rudy and Palin get the highest marks from me, for grilling up that caribou and serving it bloody. It was a night where even a shitty Romney speech played well, because of the wet, flappy fart that Lieberman laid down the night before. Frankly, I'd be stunned if McCain does as well tonight. I mean, the audience will be its fullest and will be generous with the clapter, but his arrival on the scene last night was sort of comical. Palin was probably thinking, "Hey! John McCain and stuff! We were sorta doing okay without you!"

MEGAN: Actually, Romney's speech played pretty well live, Lieberman or no Lieberman, it was the first really good speech I've seen him give. Much like Thompson, if he hadn't been so stiff and boring during the campaign, McCain might not being the nominee. But, really, I can disagree with its content, but Palin gave a great rabble-rousing, roof-raising speech last night. Not that it's going to shut anyone up about the scandals. And you should've seen the standing ovation and heard the live cheering when she introduced Bristol. It was a little ironically amusing to watching the hard-core GOPers applaud teenage motherhood.

JASON: Yeah. Last night, I saw Judith Nathan stand up and applaud the concept of the Palin's lasting marriage, and I thought, "Wow! That must be so WEIRD for her!"

MEGAN: Man, the shit you miss watching it live! I would've been dying! But, the thing I sort of wondered is whether she's ever going to talk about anything besides abortion and oil. Like, there are other issues in America today, right?

JASON: Well, McCain has only got so many issues! There's SURGE! And now "Drill, Baby, Drill!" (blame the inept Michael Steele for entering that attack-ad ready phrase into the lexicon) And uhm...what else...there's Paying Lip Service To The Environment. And earmark reform. After that, it is pretty much straight Bush/Cheney. The injection of abortion gets the base motivated, but I don't think Maverick's going to really hype that issue. Palin might, but significantly, the topic was never broached in her speech last night, either. Palin was like, "We're going to lay some pipe!" Which is pretty porny! The guy who comes to fix the White House's copy machines would be in for a real treat in the McCain-Palin White House! And then there'd by John and Cindy's Anger-Banging!

MEGAN: I mean, I was waiting during the policy portion of her speech for her to talk about something other than energy... and then she didn't.

JASON: There was a "policy portion?"

MEGAN: Oh, God, there are so many sex jokes to be made at the GOP convention, it's hard to even know where to begin. Well, the energy thing was the policy portion. I know that because I stopped paying attention and got a little bored. That's usually my clue.

JASON: Do you think Levi The Defiler (I'm flat stealing that term from a friend) got any ass last night? What was the post-Palin mood like. He was chomping that gum like a motherfucker up there on that stage!

MEGAN: The women around me in the press box agreed (prior to his arrival on stage) that he was pretty cute. And I'll bet Palin makes them stay in different rooms despite everything.

JASON: Dude was just an Alaskan redneck poonhound 48 hours ago. Now he's on the airport tarmac having the sacred union of his DNA and Bristol's ova consecrated by the Geezer King. That's a lot to absorb.

MEGAN: But, as for the mood, I'll bet a lot of Republican girls got laid last night, if they weren't clinging to their purity rings. People were super-jazzed after the speech, especially the men I chatted with. Luckily, it was concert night for the RNC, so between the Charlie Daniels Band and Daughtry, I wasn't obligated to talk to anyone. I did chat for a second with Matt Cooper, though.

JASON: And how was Matt Cooper? I guess?

MEGAN: He was nice, he didn't even mention that I didn't look as stupidly sunburned as when we were introduced at Invesco. Anyway, so, do you think Palin hurts or helps McCain? I think her nomination and the controversy — as Mike Huckabee said — served to solidify his nomination and jazz up the base. So it's a way better idea than Lieberman, who's still limper than John McCain's penis.

JASON: Well, Palin's going to help rile up the base, but I'm of the same mind as Mike Murphy — both his on-camera and accidentally caught on a live mike persona — in that this year may not be a "base" election. He said on Sunday that he'd rather have MORE voters this year than HAPPY voters. I think he's right! And I think Palin played really poorly with independent voters — who Obama's already made some significant gains in the polls with since the DNC — and if McCain doesn't offer something of substance besides DRILL WAR HERO ISN'T MY VEEP HOT TO TROT SURGE MY FRIENDS MAVERICK, he may not make any inroads there. Palin's had a big splash, but her ability to "help" McCain is going to be limited, because she's going in dry dock, won't be giving pressers from what I hear, and sooner or later, it's going to get back to Obama and McCain.

MEGAN: How ironic would it be if after all this talk of how mean and sexist we all are, they stick her in a closet until the VP debate?

9:57 ET: She's out to the strains of country music, and so am I... at least until our Rudy thread. Bring your ferrets!

9:56 ET: Washington is broken and even though McCain's been in office in Washington for more than 20 years, he's not, like, at all part of the problem and choosing Palin shows it somehow.

9:54 ET: Alaska has the same electoral votes as Delaware. That's a slam on Biden? Also, by the way, Delaware is really small. Why is she shitting on Delaware?

9:52 ET: Palin's a great choice, people are standing, etc. I wonder if there are still people handing out free Coke Zero's outside of security.

9:51 ET: Apparently, Barack Obama and Joe Biden have any executive experience. Of course, neither does Senator John McCain, but shhhhhhh.

9:49 ET: Wasilla has 10,000 people, and Sarah Palin governed it. Of course, it didn't have that many people in 2003 when she left office, but whatevs.

9:48 ET: Governors deal with issues Congress members only talk about, like environmental policy and other things the federal government is in charge of.

9:44 ET: FACT CHECK TIME: Sarah Palin received 909 votes in her 1999 mayoral reelection race. Joe Biden got 2,328 votes in Iowa for his Presidential campaign in Iowa. It only took me this long to find because my internet connection is hella slow. Lingle's still going on about Palin's kids and ethics reforms. Not a great speaker, Linda Lingle. Second woman of the night to incorporate pink despite the red background.

9:42 ET: The crowd applauds for her beauty pageant days.

9:41 ET: She knows Sarah Palin. She's also ripping off Fiorina if she says it over and over again.

9:40 ET: Linda Lingle! It's ladies night again! She's gonna talk about Palin.

9:38 ET: John McCain sacrificed every single thing for all of us! Also elect him! He's out!

9:37 ET: Stupid long story about education and veterans and whatever blah blah blah lames but everyone applauds because the word "soldiers" inspires a Pavlovian response.

9:34 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? And that he didn't bend by renouncing his country or going home early? Definitely a night of new information over here.

9:33 ET: Sarah Palin got more votes for mayor in Wasila than Joe Biden got running for President. Gonna fact check that one.

9:32 ET: Abortion reference. Again. Before I started liveblogging, even the elected commissioner of the Texas railroads had an opinion on my uterus.

9:31 ET: Huckabee pretends he used to shower with Lava soap. If you don't get it, you're an elitist. If you do get it despite being an elitist, you roll your eyes. Also, he didn't sit around when he was poor and wait for the government to rescue him. What was the name of Reagan's fake welfare mom again?

9:29 ET: Barack Obama's "excellent adventure" to Europe. My, God, let's just put up a fence to keep us in, we wouldn't want to be polluted by strange and foreign ideas.

9:28 ET: Electing Obama is risky. Thanks, Mike Huckabee.

9:26 ET: He thanks us liberal elitist media for unifying to Republican party untied behind McCain-Palin. "The reporting of the last few days has been tackier than a costume change at a Madonna concert." Man, why does he gotta bash on my girl?

9:26 ET: Ha, ha, he wanted to be the nominee, but he's happy to be here to talk about John McCain. He's got character and "the stubborn kind of integrity" that we need or something.

9:25 ET: The Huckster is in the house! No sign of Chuck Norris, though.

9:21 ET: Funktastic wedding reception music plays. The only people apparently still dancing are those people trying to get on camera.

9:17 ET: Elitist media unable to identify the song. YouTube says: Rodney Atkins, "If You're Going Through Hell." Rodney doesn't explain what I'm supposed to do, though.

9:16 ET: American is the hope of the earth, and the Romneybot departs. Musical selection: something country. Some people are singing along.

9:15 ET: "Just like you, there's never been a day when I've not been proud to be an American." People cheer "U.S.A.!. U.S.A.!" again and we don't mention Michelle Obama by name.

9:13 ET: Republicans believe that there is good and evil in the world — Evil Empire, Axis of Evil and by the way, radical violent Islam is evil and John McCain will defeat it and everyone stand up and cheers and we're back to "U.S.A.!. U.S.A.!" just as the German reporter arrives again. Sigh. Also, it's cool to call Islam evil because that's "straight talk and not politically correct talk." Ugh.

9:12 ET: Government unions have "Tyranosaurus appetites." What? That was out of no where in the energy portion of his speech. Everyone stands up for grounding Al Gore's private jet. Romney oughta talk.

9:10 ET: "It's time for the party of Big Ideas, not the party of Big Brother." Umm, whose idea was the PATRIOT Act and the FISA bill? I think you meant "Big Government," only Bush expanded the size of our government too. I'm overthinking this, but I finally have an empty bladder so I have more intellectual energy.

9:09 ET: Umm, change comes from opportunity. I feel like there's always the opportunity to not be racist and sexist and plenty people choose not to change.

9:08 ET: Liberals don't have a clue. Also, he's quite shout-y tonight. Someone must've given the Romneybot some caffeine.

9:07 ET: Washington is liberal because of: Gitmo decision, limits on offshore drilling, government spending has doubled since 1980 (notably: 8 years of Dems in the White House in those 28 years)

9:06 ET: Screws up stupid rhyme scheme. Also, something about the sun will rise in the west because John is from Arizona and Sarah is from Alaska and it's a crap metaphor.

9:05 ET: With all the Mormon rumors and shit, he probably shouldn't start his speech with "Ann and I love you all." At least if he doesn't want me to snort.

9:04 ET: The first semi-deafening cheers of the night. Also, quite possibly the best ass of the night. Trying to find the boys in the crowd.

MEGAN: I am so happy to have you back! (When you're back from getting coffee, that is).

MOE: Okay, here I am, having showered and resigned myself to brewing coffee because I can't leave the house twice in the same morning that is blasphemous, and watching Fox News. Wow, has John McCain cast a wide net for running mate! They are talking about Meg Whitman! Alaska Governor Sarah Palin! Mitt Fucking Romney! (God I would love it to be Romney!) But I suppose we should talk about last night's speech, even if I kind of think it's not worth talking about.

MEGAN: Well, the VP speculation was all the rage in the press box last night when no one was speaking. MSNBC was reporting it was Pawlenty, rumors were flying it would be Kay Bailey Hutchison, someone who doesn't have to be non-partisan was begging for it to be Romney, it was pretty amazing. And how is it not worth talking about?! It was amazing. People were crying. Like, hearing the way African-American people talk about this and the symbolism of seeing him be the standard bearer for the party, has been really interesting actually. One woman I interviewed for Glamocracy was like, black folks don't get invited to conventions very often, but we finally feel not just allowed but welcomed.

MOE: Yes, that is beautiful and moving and amazing and shit, but I gotta agree with what Noonan warned me about with that venue which is to say:

My own added thought is that speeches are delicate; they’re words in the air, and when you’ve got a ceiling the words can sort of go up to that ceiling and come back down again. But words said into an open air stadium…can just get lost in echoes, and misheard phrases.

Or cliches and tiresome pandering, which is, I believe, what that venue did for the speech. I love this guy, but if he is going to knock China within his first few minutes, if he has to take it to the illegal immigrants undermining our wages…well Jesus Christ, Barack Obama, this is your chance to point out, And I Say All This Not Because Illegal Guatemalan Meatpackers And Migrant Chinese Factory Workers At Heart Deserve America Any More Than We Do…but because we have to do right by the rights and values and ideals upon which this country was founded and improved before it is too late. And the "before it is too late" is where you get into the Iraq War, as opposed to — and here is what really sat badly with me — pointing out the Iraqi government's unspent surplus.

MEGAN: I'll be frank, by the time he got around to discussing policy issues, I was sort of bemoaning being the only woman (besides my friend Emily) anywhere near my section because if there had been more women, there would've been Diet Coke and I was ready to usurp ownership.

MOE: Which seemed tacky. But then! I switched to Fox News and Frank Luntz was yammering on about how it reminded him of Ross Perot circa 1992. Which I think means it was a success.

MEGAN: But I do recall without the benefit of the text, that he pointed out that he wanted to get out of Iraq, and used the surplus issue to make the point that they don't even really need us that much.

MOE: Those Perot voters are exactly who Barack Obama needs to vote for him! Unless he'd like to run himself.

MEGAN: Oh, God, Frank Luntz is so annoying! I'm glad I missed most of the punditry this week. I don't know that we need Ross Perot when we have Bob Barr.

MOE: Right! They don't really need us that much…WELL OKAY AGAIN YOU ARE RIGHT WHEN YOU SAY BARACK OBAMA THAT WHAT THEY REALLY NEED IS A TIME MACHINE. But yeah, no, they have some urgent needs in Iraq, and to dismiss them so glibly annoyed me. But speaking of Fox News, you know, it's what I watch when I have to watch TV news which is why I don't watch a lot of TV news. Are the other channels running those "I'm John McCain and here's looking at you kid" commercials?

MEGAN: Well, it all had to be done by the end of prime time without going so long that people tuned out. Plus, I actually thought that there was maybe too much policy in the speech, though I realize he was trying to counter inter-Democratic charges (all flash and no substance, etc.) with it. But a policy speech is a different thing. So I didn't get particularly exercised about it, though I'm pretty sure I lost 90% of my capacity for excitement on my second day of the convention.

MOE: See but, the genius of Barack Obama is that he has made substance his style, and that he has proven himself capable, in a speech, of teaching America little lessons, reaching the corners of the minds of average swing state Americans that seems to almost scramble their ideological codes, restoring in them intellectual honesty for a few seconds. I truly felt that when he "threw his grandmother under the bus" in that race speech. That race speech bowled people over and, more importantly, reminded them there's a trajectory here, that we don't give up hope on America precisely because we've encountered these little obstacles before…and this speech did not have this. Most offensively — and I do not get offended — this speech had "save our farms." Save our farms? Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh, but, loved Michelle's dress. What was that?

MEGAN: Well, you knew that was coming. He's from Illinois. I have no idea who made the dress, but Michelle has looked every single kind of awesome this week. So have Malia and Sasha, actually.

MOE: Now on Fox they're saying it's Sarah Palin as McCain's running mate. (Maybe)
Oh man Malia, Malia…she's just so very elegant! It is almost intimidating.

MEGAN: I mean, she's looked both pretty, elegant and age-appropriate, which I personally loved.
As for Palin, I don't know why she'd give up the governorship of the state of Alaska to be a running mate for John McCain. She'd be an inspired choice if he could get her, but I don't know why she'd do it, really.

MOE: Here's the other thing: I found the little documentary about Obama they showed in the lead up to the speeches — this was on PBS — I found it very inspiring because Obama talked about how his mother had impressed upon him the importance of putting himself in others people's shoes. And I think that's not an easy thing for a politician to pull off without making the other side cynical, what with so many of them being such profound narcissists, because all the conventional wisdom says "No, you don't understand, you have to put yourself in the shoes of a cliche." Put yourself in the caricature of his shoes!
Oh that is reminding me how Mitt Romney skipped the Timberland factory or something. That was Mitt Romney, right?

MEGAN: Nope, he went, he just didn't take their shoes.
Actually, I hated all of those videos this week, I found them super-annoying and disruptive to the energetic vibe I thought they were trying to create. I got on board with Michelle's, but then they just kept on coming. Sort of like the free bars but not the free food, which I'm sure has a lot to do with my current utter exhaustion.

MOE: I suppose that is enough until next time! Hey commenters, if anyone understands anything about the water supply, feel free to email me bc I need some help on a post. KTKSBAI
Oh fuck! Hold on. You can't leave without the funny David Brooks line.

MEGAN: Sure, what is it?

MOE:

For this election isn’t about the past or the present, or even the pluperfect conditional. It’s about the future, and Barack Obama loves the future because that’s where all his accomplishments are.

That is why it needed to be a better speech I think. But I'll hold out hope.

• Yeah, he still ain't telling. Probably tomorrow. [Washington Post]
• He did reportedly call all the losers last night. No one's admitting anything, though. [CNN]
• Random Texas Congressman Chet Edwards — who Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been pointing out for months — is apparently shortlisted now, though, and gave a cute press conference with his son in tow. He didn't say anything but that it's not so hot in Texas today. [Huffington Post]

• Time says that Mitt Romney is McCain's main man, so HuffPo recounts their hatred for one another. Oh, nostalgia. [Time, Huffington Post]
• There's a new Obama tribute video by famous people. It has a Cheeze Factor of 10. [HuffPo]
• Russian might be actually pulling out of Georgia this weekend. So, that's good at least. [Associated Press]

MEGAN: Hey, what's up? Is it weird that I'm not hungover but I feel enough out of it that I might as well be?

SPENCER: Can you believe that the District of Columbia revoked my driver's license just because I decided not to pay a ticket that I got in New Jersey a couple months ago?

MEGAN: Quite honestly, kind of. I know other people who have gotten their licenses revoked for that kind of thing. I always winced a little when you mentioned that, but everyone knows I'm a goodie two-shoes except when it comes to D.C. parking tickets. And then I'm a soulless, conscienceless scofflaw.

SPENCER: You, I know, have a system in place for [redacted] when you accumulate tickets. Ingenious

MEGAN: Shhhh. Anyway, so, doesn't it feel to you like this VP picking process has gone on forever? Like they're just playing chicken with one another?

SPENCER: According to Adam "Ad Nags" Nagourney, it all ends as early as tomorrow:

Mr. Obama had not notified his choice — or any of those not selected — of his decision as of late Monday, advisers said. Going into the final days, Mr. Obama was said to be focused mainly on three candidates: Senator Evan Bayh of Indiana, Gov. Tim Kaine of Virginia and Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr. of Delaware.

I say no to Bayh, maybe to Biden, and yes to Kaine. Tell me what you think

MEGAN: Well, I'm on record as feeling like Bayh is just a Washington climber who never, ever wants to have to go back to Indiana, and I'm betting he ends up with a cabinet job, but then I saw this rumor that an Obama staffer said it was him to CNN plus screencap of the now-pulled story and I got a little worried. I have no idea why he'd pick Biden, honestly, I want to believe he's just a red herring. I couldn't believe Kaine would saddle the state with a Republican governor by leaving (who would then get to run for a term of his own, bypassing Virginia's term limit law), but then I remembered he's a politician.

SPENCER: I heard about that. If he picks Bayh, the left will go fucking firecrackers. My friend Max even set up a facebook group against Bayh, and these guys already feel seriously dissed by Obama after FISA.

MEGAN: I miss Sebelius speculation.

SPENCER: Let's talk Kaine in a second. Why would he pick Biden? Biden, writes Jon Cohn in TNR — an honest man at a dishonest magazine — has that foreign policy expertise and that pugilism:

If Biden is the choice, I think it would speak well of Obama's judgment. Biden has a deep and impressive resume: Not only is he the guy who orchestrated the defeat of Robert Bork back in the 1980s, but he can also claim among his legislative accomplishments the Violence Against Women's Act, which is no small feat. He's smart, articulate, and is a bona fide expert on foreign policy: In other words, he's certainly capable of assuming the presidency in an emergency, which is really the most important criteria of all.

Joe Biden also has a good critique of TNR, for that matter. Four years ago I went to interview him for a piece about Kerry's counterterrorism strategy for TNR and he was trying to figure out whether I wanted him to say that Kerry would take a more targeted, al-Qaeda-centric approach or would just kill all the Arabs "Your magazine," he said (this is from memory), "has to figure out whether it's liberal or neoconservative, already."

MEGAN: Ha, this douchebag and his syncophants (one of whom emailed me last night to castigate me, by the way) are suing to get the VAWA thrown out as unconstitutional. Also, I love that he said that to you.

SPENCER: Oh shit i have to read that post! PS, don't fucking Twitter while we're doing Crappy Hour. You forget I'm on your feed!

MEGAN: I was waiting for you to type! I don't dislike Joe Biden, I honestly could see him as Secretary of State, but I really don't think this election is going to be won on foreign policy issues with the economy in the crapper.

SPENCER: Biden: I like the pugilism a lot. Don't expect it to be won on foreign policy. Picking Biden would be to tamp down McCain's only (if you believe the polls) advantage, leaving him with nothing while Obama kicks his ass on the economy

MEGAN: And he's a great speaker. But Delaware? And your friend Jon's right about that bankruptcy bill, that was a huge giveaway to the credit card companies... and sponsored by Arlington Congressman/wife-beater Jim Moran. He'd like me to come to his women's issues forum with Donna Brazile. Maybe if I bring a small, African American child he can smack him for the crowd.

SPENCER: That's a dream, man! I'm really equivocal on Biden. He voted for the war, though he calls it a mistake. In reality, he didn't want to vote for the war, he was terrified of getting smeared as unpatriotic like he did after he voted against the first Gulf War and this was a year after 9/11.

MEGAN: I see your point, but I think Kaine's a trade-up. Plus, bonus Catholic points, since Obama isn't going to win a ton of evangelical votes.

SPENCER: Now: Tim Kaine. I know nothing about him and like him!

MEGAN: That's pretty much Tim Kaine's advantage right there.

SPENCER: He's white and dimply and Virginian and I guess kind of liberal and didn't vote for the Iraq war, so that works for me. You, my friend, are the Virginia resident among us, so make the case. How liberal is he?

MEGAN: The eyebrows are killer, though. With all the smack Sebelius took for her response to the State of the Union, I can't believe no one brought up his.

SPENCER: A bunch of activists on a listserv I'm on seem to think he's unacceptably less-than-deep-blue.

MEGAN: He's a serious Catholic, I'm guessing that freaks some liberals out. But he's a serious Catholic seriously personally opposed to capital punishment who nonetheless denies clemency requests to prove that the Pope ain't the boss of him, or something, so I don't love that about him. That part makes me miss Mario Cuomo.

SPENCER: How is he as a governor?

MEGAN: I mean, I think he's been a pretty decent politician, the legislature here is pretty right-wing and he's successfully pushed stuff through and kept crap from going through. He's been pretty good on transportation issues, which are huge up here in NoVa, but were he not on the short list, I would guess that he'd be remembered as a serviceable but not spectacular governor unless he does something crazy at the end of his term.

SPENCER: Yeah, northern VA is all wine-swilling assholes like you. Jesus CHRIST if I make my Windy deadline this morning it'll be a miracle...

MEGAN: Actually, if Obama takes Virginia and Colorado, he can lose Florida or Ohio. And, I'm sorry, McCain's best feint on getting a Virginian on the ticket was Eric Cantor, so...

SPENCER: HAHAHAHAHA if McCain has to get a Virginian it will speak desperation. Not like the bravery of choosing Joe Lieberman!

[McCain's] top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent.

MEGAN: I'm actually amazed that there's not a single Southerner on McCain's short list.

SPENCER: Joe, Joe, Joe! Make the GOP ticket the most jowly of all time! If McCain goes with Lieberman, I reverse my choice and hope Obama picks Biden, just because Biden will tear the living shit out of Lieberman in any debate.

MEGAN: Oh, fuck yeah, that would be popcorn and beer time watching that! At what point in the race do you think Lieberman would start undermining McCain the way he did Al Gore?

SPENCER: Not even SLIGHTLY and here's why. Lieberman is animated by the classic neoconservative grievance of rejection by his first love, the Democratic Party. Jacob Heilbrunn's book goes into this pathology in detail. And honestly, I have to admit I understand it, given my inability to let go of this whole TNR shit. That's why Lieberman has been such an eager attack dog for the right ever since he lost his primary in 2006 — he wants, and wants badly, to redress what the left did to him. He's not actually rightwing. He's anti-anti-left, and ferociously so.

MEGAN: Well, you know, if you want to be a hawk, don't expect a bunch of doves to come flocking to you.

SPENCER: He's obsessed with his own transcendent righteousness. Whatever, if Obama is going to tell me who the pick is by texting me, then McCain will announce his pick by telegraph-machine. A cavalcade of whimsy!

MOE: Ohhhhh mann, I'm still like on Seattle time or something
MEGAN: I'm on "got home at midnight after an 8 hour drive" fog.
MOE: What should we talk about? Yikes!
MEGAN: Oh, see, I was going to suggest that we talk about how Alaskan Republican Senator Ted "Series of Tubes" Stevens was indicted on 7 counts yesterday, but fetish hookers is way more prurient. Also, rumors around the courts here in D.C. is that touchy-feely ass-grabbing Congressman Don Young is next. Actually, that's just been the rumor for a while, but doesn't it sound cooler when I semi-source it?
MOE: Isn't just the fact that Alaska has two senators corruption in itself?
MEGAN: Well, they do have a whole 100,000 more people than Washington, DC, so of course they deserve 2 Senators and a Congressman and D.C. shouldn't get either.
Geek moment: Did you know that there are more people in Hawai'i than Alaska? Like, almost twice as many.
MOE: Yes. Does that surprise you? Any more than, like, this? Oh god I need coffee.
MEGAN: Back to Stevens, the most hilarious thing of all is that they couldn't charge him with bribery because sometimes he just took the lavish gifts from Veco and told them to fuck off! It's sort of like how Congressmen and Senators feel about campaign contributions only flashier (now including a Land Rover and a Viking Grill!).
As a white resident of upstate New York, I particularly like this statement of Sharpton's:

"We have all made mistakes. We have all erred, and we ought not try to sugar coat when we err."

Oh, really, Al?
MOE: The Ted Stevens thing reminds me of when I used to cover Nike for the Journal, and the guys from SLAM just couldn't figure out why I wasn't allowed to take free shoes. "Sure, it's bribery, but when EVERYONE bribes you you're still objective!"
MEGAN: "As long as you 'slam' them later," right? (Apologies for the bad but necessary pun).Speaking of apologies...
MOE: Jesus this totally makes the AMA's timing look COMPLETELY NORMAL!

In February, the Senate apologized for atrocities committed against Native Americans, and the body apologized in 2005 for standing by during a lynching campaign against African Americans throughout much of the past century. Twenty years ago, Congress apologized for interning Japanese Americans in concentration camps during World War II.

MEGAN: Well, you know, they're really, really worried about reparations. That's, like, a completely legitimate concern.
MOE: As I'm sure is the fact that there is a lot in those Jim Crow laws some Americans still would like to resurrect! Sorry, that's a year old, but I didn't remember it until today.
MEGAN: Luckily for Jonah and at the behest of plenty of Republican state governments, states are passing government-ID laws to make it more difficult for people to vote, especially poor people. You heard, right, that the first people fucked over by that law were a bunch of nuns and students? But it was the Democratic primary, so that was the intention, anyway, to keep Democrats from voting, so hooray Indiana for designing a law that actually works as it was intended. Sort of hooray. More like, um, FUCK YOU Mitch Daniels. Cialis was marketed under his tenure at Lilly, by the way. You knew he was a pharmaceutical company exec before he was OMB Director before he was Governor of Indiana, right?
MOE: Uh no but doesn't that just make this world make a little more sense! That and this guy. Um I just blew some of my literacy reading this. Also, is it just me or is it surprising that nuns of all people would not have their IDs ready? I know they probably don't get carded too often, but isn't it in the nun personality type?
MEGAN: But why would they need an ID? And, yes, OMG, can we please, please, please stop dumbing Michelle Obama down so that people think she's more like them? Please? It makes my brain hurty. Oh, and did you see that the International Olympics Committee negotiated a secret deal with the Chinese to limit journalists' internet access?
MOE: God everytime I think I know how full of shitheads the IOC is I am proved wrong. Who are these IOC officials anyway? Hey, maybe there's a job for Mitt Romney!
MEGAN: Someone's got to give him on eventually if McCain won't. His hair is too bulletproof to retire.
MOE: So $15,000 a month is Rielle Hunter's hush money . I feel like we should do a poll on how much you'd ask if you'd been knocked up by a filthy rich presidential candidate. I think fifteen grand is good, because there's not a whole lot an unimaginative person like myself can't do on that money, but it's not so disgusting people will question her genuine love for the bastard. But hey, where's the "real father" Andrew Young in all of this?
MEGAN:Apparently, getting paid off by the same middleman! That's $180,000 a year, or, if it continues at the same rate, $3.24 million over the next 18, not including tuition. I don't think I'll make $3 million in the next 18 years. Also, can we just discuss how exactly the Enquirer knew that Rielle was in the hotel, whose name she checked in under and when Edwards would show? Because between that and the news that she's negotiating a paid interview, I don't think the "hush" part of the money is working.

MOE: Good morning! I can't imagine what we'll be discussing today...
The economy?

MEGAN: The EPA smog standards?
The priest that won a science prize and craps all over intelligent design?

MOE: The sad sad liquidation of Carlyle Capital?
Oooh oooh, this is fun...the merger of the Nymex and the Chicago mercantile exchange!

MEGAN: Um, that's prolly more your beat than mine.
The new $5 bill?

MOE: BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS. All anyone wants to talk about is "Kristen." Should we talk about "Kristen"?

MEGAN: Her song sucks.

But I added it to my MySpace profile anyway in case she wised up and took hers down... but apparently this is a boost for her career.

MOE: She's not a monster! That's a preemptive strike against Samantha Power! And if she takes hers down the song is gone, lady. Do you know nothing of MySpace? I was actually a little surprised by her MySpace profile. And is it just me or did I detect a note of pride in her mom's voice when she told the Times her daughter "can handle someone like the governor." I mean, lady, I'd say that's some rose-colored glasses but okay. It was also a little absurd that the Times called her lyrics out for their dated slang. Um, for the record, Serge Kovaleski, "boo" remains a term of endearment in youth culture circles! Athough I guess it is used more ironically, and mostly by white people now, but isn't that splitting hairs kinda?

MEGAN: Also, her brother said she's the best sister ever. I'm guessing he's not the one who abused her. Also, um, she can "handle" someone like the governor? Lady, she "handled" him alright. She also presumably sucked him, possibly teabagged him, allowed him to insert his penis into one if not two other orifices and either had or faked one/more orgasms, then took his money as payment for services rendered.
Like, seriously, this whole whore-fucking thing skeeves me out.
Like, what is wrong with men sometimes?

s

MOE: We'll never really know. I mean, I guess Newsweek and the Washington Post are sort of on the case, but as the Post story points out, you never hear from these guys about their infidelities. Why they did it. What they weren't thinking.

MOE: Except that there's something primal, hormonal, blah blah blah. I dunno. I mean, I get urges to cheat when I'm in long term relationships, they're just usually overwhelmed by my desire to not hurt the loved one in question. But maybe that's a measure of empathy the men don't get born with, I dunno. I have no idea why this scandal, in particular, seems to encapsulate something dark and hopeless about the state of gender relations. I mean, it's not like he fucked hookers every single night. $80,000 does not exactly go a long way someplace like the Emperor's Club. You could blow it all in a few days. In fact, that was probably part of the thrill. Like with gambling addicts. They like get off on the destructive waste of it. Or something. And they are always Chinese, the last people you'd expect to blow a hundred grand in one night at the craps table. You know?

MEGAN: I agree with the dark and hopeless state of gender relations part. This is like, some serious disconnect for me between men and women and it's not like I fuck for love all the time.
Like, the whole excuse that men are "paying" for it in either case? That makes me want to beat people about the head and shoulders with an umbrella.

MOE: Here's the other depressing thing about it for MOE: being a high class hooker seemed to me an appropriate job choice for someone like Kristen. She is very pretty and yearns, obviously, to be noticed, but her MySpace page shows that she doesn't really have the skills of self-promotion necessary to find quick success in all the "industries" that value self-promotion. Some were taken at unflattering angles. Some of them make her look chunkier than she really is. Her voice is unspectacular, but so is everyone's. She is no Tila Tequila.

MEGAN: That's probably true. She just looks kind of like your average pretty girl in most of those shots on MySpace, and her little "bio" piece is way too long and rambling to be an effective self-promotional tool, let alone even an effective internet dating profile.
And if she can, you know, actually respectably belt "Respect" (which, I'm sure is an untrue story) then she can probably actually sing.

MOE: Okay, new topic time. Seriously, right? There is not that much more to say, right? I'm assuming you watched Keith Olbermann's epic sermon to Hillary Clinton? It is very long. It is supposed to be ten minutes, but it will take 25 minutes to watch on any normal computer.

MEGAN: Oh, God, it Keith going to stop being cute once I watch that? Because my sister (who I was visiting) doesn't have cable to I missed everything until this morning.

MOE: I mean, you know, he takes himself just a LITTLE bit seriously.

MEGAN: But I'll watch that if you read this horrifying Paglia screed in which she calls Hillary shrill, dismissed the existence of sexism, called Hillary a "tunnel-vision middle manager" and called the Emperor's hookers "valiant."
It made me have to get out of bed to wash the taste of bile out of my mouth.

MOE: It looks like there won't be a transcript on the MSNBC website until 3 p.m. And I'll read that if you also take a look at this story on Obama and McCain, how they sort of pointlessly hate each other, etc.
We shall reconvene!

Um, for the record, this:

Never has the soppy emotionalism of old-guard feminist reasoning been on such open and embarrassing display.

MEGAN: I mean, I totally wanted to agree with her, and then she swerved and went off into Crazy Town and I was like... really? Camille? Shrill? There is no sexism anymore? Because, um, you know, I got some stories.

MOE: Oh my GOD, wait, this whole section where she expresses disappointment and dismay re Rush Libaugh...

I take the ballot very seriously, because it took women so long to win it. I am very unsettled by tactical voting — that is, using one's vote as a stratagem in what Rush describes as "gamesmanship": "It's all about winning," he has repeatedly said to callers protesting the Hillary stunt. But hasn't Rush's massive appeal always been based on his adherence to core principles rather than to narrow partisanship?

MEGAN: She's listens to Rush Limbaugh regularly! That enough was enough for me to go, wait, I though Paglia was a femi-Nazi, not a Dittohead.

MOE: Well you know she's undefinable. An iconoclast etc. No matter who you are, you're going to agree with her sometimes. But...like...Limbaugh? Principles? Is that how you stay on the radio 5 hours a day or whatever? By soberly and eloquently addressing one's core principles? It's just an absurd statement. Whatev. Blargh.
Did you watch Keith?

MEGAN: I am watching it, but I am becoming a sad panda because he is, indeed, getting less and less cute. Why does he insist on randomly emphasizing words? OMG, he's now smacking his desk!
Um, although I completely agree with every single thing he's said about Ferraro and that Clinton's strategists are, um, not good to say the least.
MOE: Yeah, and the longwindedness of it is kind of impressive.

MEGAN: The longwindedness makes me think he's sort of a Clinton supporter and is actually really offended and hates her advisers.
MOE: Well, it makes me think he is no longer a Clinton supporter.
MEGAN: OMG, maybe he's just trying to get her to fire Mark Penn? Because, really, I would vote for her if she fired Mark Penn.
MOE: Okay, so I have no idea what America is thinking about all this BUT. He did erase all her delegate gains in Texas and Ohio with Wyoming and Mississippi...wait a second, why would you vote for her if she fired him? That I just don't get. She fired Dick Morris too. SPEAKING OF WHORES. The point is, she hired them both in the first place. Whatever. No use for it anymore. I just hope he is in Pennsylvania right the fuck now. Wait, where is he right the fuck now?
MEGAN: They're all in D.C. to try out that "voting" thing they all get actually paid to do.

Oh, and as of the results of the Texas caucuses yesterday, technically Obama picked up more delegates in Texas than Hillary.
And, Dick Morris's teeth are this weird yellow-y grey now (having just watched Hillary The Movie), which makes me think he probably still sucks dirty whore toes.
MOE: Okay, JOHN MCCAIN. I have been meaning to address the issue of John McCain. Will he continue letting the media listen to his every passing thought on the campaign trail. Will he persist in hating Obama and does he actually have a reason to do so, and isn't it kind of funny how people are talking about Mitt Romney as VP when this Esquire piece makes it fairly clear McCain hates Mitt Romney. That's why they "heart Huck." I'm just burdening you with all this, by the way, because I had insomnia last night and I didn't want to read the piece about insomnia in Esquire so instead I read about George Clooney watching the 2 girls 1 cup video and John McCain hating Mitt Romney.

MEGAN: HA! Um, except for W. and Cheney, most Republicans actually seem to hate their VPs (Reagan-Bush, Bush-Quayle, whomever ran with Dole), so Mitt makes perfect sense. But McCains'a maverick, see, so I think he might actual pick someone he doesn't abhor which is not Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, it's also not a single conservative Republican that he supposedly needs to re-energize the base and he's trying to me less maverick-y to win his own voters, so Romney seems a safe bet.

• Eliot Spitzer was fucking hookers the whole time he was fucking Wall Street assholes, maybe even longer, and he still hasn't resigned, probably because he is such a whore he wants to soak up the whole week's news cycle for himself and make us all forget there's a campaign to cover... [NY Post]
  
• So yeah, as you can imagine, that was enough time for a few of the girls to figure out who the fuck he was. [NY Post]
  
• And the investigation began as all great investigations do: suspicious movements of cash near a Dunkin Donuts. [NYT]
  
• Oh, crap! A primary tonight! In Mississippi. Obama is expected to win, but it's the margin that counts; if he wins 19 out of 33 delegates he can cancel out all Hillary's gains in Ohio & Texas. Seems doable, right? Says a black restaurant owner of Obama's success: "You can't believe it. It's the greatest thing since salt." [WSJ]
  
• So, normally the market would have gone crazyyyy just on account of Eliot Spitzer getting stripped of every last shred of his dignity but today it needed the Fed to promise to print new money and give it to banks or something. [WSJ]
  
• This is good because bankers don't have much to do with no money. "Some bankers in the lending business are reporting to work two days a week. 'If they say they're busy, they're lying,' said one head of investment banking." [WSJ]

• Oil is $109 a barrel, therefore our trade deficit is still widening, but it's not as bad as predicted because the price of food is going up and we actually export some of that, yay agriculture subsidies! [WSJ]
• Merrill Lynch is predicting the worst recession since the 1970s! [WSJ]
• Admiral William Fallon resigned abruptly after being quoted criticizing the troop surge and Iran policy in... Esquire. He's a top Middle East commander. [WSJ]
• Think that has anything to do with the strange timing of Martina Navratilova renouncing her American citizenship over her shame for George W. Bush? Or was it, like, the 700,000th Iraq war death that finally pushed her over the edge? The Doug Feith book? [Guardian]
• Romney says he'd "take veep" for McCain. This is not quite as presumptuous as Bill Clinton saying Obama would "take veep" for his wife, but I hope to God it isn't as likely, because McCain is off in Israel or somesuch — that's how badly he doesn't have to campaign right now — and he has a pretty decent chance of actually choosing the nation's next vice president, only to die. [Politico]
• The media still won't let up on Hillary Clinton's tax returns. [ABC]
• Germaine Greer thinks Hillary is "bossy" and "manipulative" and she swears up and down it's not because she's a misogynist. [AP]
• Oh wait, that aside about straight uprotected anal sex being safer than unprotected vaginal sex? That came out of my ass. It was not meant to take seriously. It is actually less safe for many STDs. Use condoms, folks!

MOE:: So okay, tonight is a really important night. Hillary needs to win or else, well, as she told Jon Stewart, it's pretty pathetic.
MEGAN: I have to say, I watched that and she didn't cackle even once.
MEGAN: Although a darker brown suit would've been better.
MOE:: She did a really good job. And that was a funny answer. Everyone's really impressed that she's not "acting like a loser" yet, you know? Like at this Eva Longoria-moderated town hall meeting in Texas yesterday. Um, did you know Eva Longoria is a former Miss Corpus Christi? Because that was news to me.
MEGAN: Whoa, that is news to me, too. But, yay for a short girl winning a beauty contest!
9:05 AM
MEGAN: I mean, the problem becomes that if she actually doesn't pull it out today, does she continue to act like a winner and try to keep going through Pennsylvania anyway.
MOE:: Okay, so today's big news to me is that Alex P. Keaton would be an Obamican. This revelation comes to us via his ghostwriter Gary David Goldberg. "I think Obama's slogan is very similar to Alex's own personal mantra: "Of Course I Can." Now ha ha ha yes that is fiction, but the rationale behind it sort of mirrors the rationale behind this nonfiction blog post by Netscape co-founder and gazillionaire Marc Andreessen, who also gave money to Mitt Romney. The Obamicans are, to me, the most fascinating niche of the Obama constituency, because they are willing to discard all their ill-conceived ideology just to get someone motherfucking smart in the White House.
The other person, or their software, refused the request.
9:10 AM
MOE:: Okay, so today's big news to me is that Alex P. Keaton would be an Obamican. This revelation comes to us via his ghostwriter Gary David Goldberg. "I think Obama's slogan is very similar to Alex's own personal mantra: "Of Course I Can."
MOE:: Now ha ha ha yes that is fiction, but the rationale behind it sort of mirrors the rationale behind this nonfiction blog post by Netscape co-founder and gazillionaire Marc Andreessen, who also gave money to Mitt Romney. The Obamicans are, to me, the most fascinating niche of the Obama constituency, because they are willing to discard all their ill-conceived ideology just to get someone motherfucking smart in the White House.
MEGAN: Well, but presumably they consider their ideology to be somewhat less ill-conceived most of the time.
MEGAN: I mean, do they not consider Clinton smart? Because she's not stupid. And neither's McCain, even if I disagree with him politically. So why are these guys going for Obama, who is legitimately considered to be far more liberal than Hillary by more than just the National Journal?
MOE:: Yeah and it also gets to this nagging curiosity: Is Obama really a Leftist? Does he really hate NAFTA? What did NAFTA ever do to him?
MOE:: I like this snippet from the Andressen blog post:

We then asked, well, what about foreign policy — should we be concerned that you just don't have much experience there?
He said, directly, two things.
First, he said, I'm on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, where I serve with a number of Senators who are widely regarded as leading experts on foreign policy — and I can tell you that I know as much about foreign policy at this point as most of them.
Being a fan of blunt answers, I liked that one.

MOE: So I have to say I was sad I missed the day MITT ROMNEY STEPPED DOWN LIKE THE LO$ER HE IS. Someone somewhere wrote he'd "abandoned the product lunch." And now it's not even on Drudge. Or maybe it is but I don't look down that far.
MEGAN: I mean, basically, he didn't want to run so long he couldn't run again because he looked stupid
so, he's basically planning on being back.
MOE: Lucky us? What did you think of the speech? The pundits seemed to think it was "feisty"... and I was kinda doped up, but I found it demeaning, hateful and borderline racist!
MEGAN: I love how part of it was about executing OBL? The hell?
MOE: Oh yeah by that point I was like, "Really Mitt? You wanna talk about welfare queens and the cycle of dependence? Tell me again the story of how you were born a poor black child who pulled himself up by his Timberland bootstraps etc. etc."
MEGAN: I'm sorry, I'm slightly distracted
Chaka Khan is on CNN RIGHT NOW
And, personally, thoughts of Romney cannot compete
MOE: O h my, what is she doing? I can't leave my bed.
MEGAN: She wrote a book! She's in The Color Purple on Broadway! She quit drinking! They pla