The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Nasty, mean, misanthropic, supposedly funny comments that condemn a thin woman for being fat.
The Evidence:

"These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and 'by storm' I mean 'she looks fat.' Not that there’s anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there’s not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can’t infect the rest of us beautiful people. It’s what Darwin would have wanted."

It's not funny; Eva Longoria is not fat. Humanity is doomed.
The Sentence: One-way ticket to Malawi, where a crop failure, flood and droughts have three million people on the verge of a severe hunger emergency. You probably won't want to ever make fat jokes again.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Lookism; possible Holocaust joke.
The Evidence:

"I don’t mind that a gay person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan, I mind that an ugly person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan. I don’t like it when ugly people flaunt their sexuality right in front of me. It’s unsettling. They should really have some kind of camp where ugly people go to concentrate on how to get sexier. A 'concentration camp,' if you will."

I think we can all agree that not a single word or thought behind this is funny. Is this site supposed to be humor? Or gossip? Or just mean-spiritedness? What is its point? I am having an existential crisis.
The Sentence: Learn the value of having eyes at all: 90 days working for the World Health Organization's Alliance for the Global Elimination of Blinding Trachoma, which performs surgery in countries where conditions and infections cause people to go blind.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
First Count: Weight-mocking.
The Evidence:

"Not Pregnant, Just Fat—For Real!
Rumors keep swirling that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is sperminated.
The tiny Latina has put on a few extra pounds recently.
Will they say it's for a potential movie role?
Close enough.
According to
her rep, Eva has gained weight for her show.
Says the publicist, 'For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives Gabrielle [Eva's character] has "gained" weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.'
We guess she likes the role so much that she's decided to wear the butt and stomach pads everywhere she goes!"

I don't get it. Are pigs flying? Is hell cold? Because those things would have to be true if Eva Longoria is fat.
Second Count: Calling a 15-year-old slut.
The Evidence:

"Y'all Wanna See My Panties?? That Miley sure loves lifting up her shirts and skirts. Slut!"

A young woman who poses with her hem hiked up is not necessarily a slut. A young woman who poses naked is not necessarily a slut. How you can call someone you don't know a slut — based on a photo in which 96% of her body is covered — and get paid to "write" on the internet is baffling.
Third Count: Calling the same 15-year-old a "teen slut" and a "Disney whore," based on some possibly fake photos.
The Evidence:

"Miley Almost Naked! When will she ever learn???? Wow. Wow. Wow. These photos look very very real. But, we're working under the assumption that they're fake… Isn't it too young to be posing for photos like that????"

Isn't it a shame that Miley's cell phone might have been hacked? Isn't it a awful that these "almost naked" pictures are actually pretty tame, but that saying so wouldn't garner as many pageviews? Isn't terrible that someone makes money off of speculation about a teenage girl's private life?
The Sentence: Suggestions welcome.



Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Busting on a woman's looks.
The Evidence:

"A very VERY Photoshopped Jessica Biel does the cover of the new Harper's Bazaar. She's definitely way too airbrushed! They did manage to make her look more feminine, though, and less like a dog. That's a good thing, we think. Although, we love a good dog!"

The Sentence: 90 days community service in an animal shelter; a 45 hour course in Lookism taught by Jezebel commenters.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Poking fun at a woman's weight.
The Evidence:

"Um, okay Liv Tyler, we get it. You’re fat. Enough already. You don’t have to be eating 24 hours a day. You can lay out for an hour without food. I saw a set of pictures one time where she stopped at some deli and then ate the sandwich on the street on the way to some little sidewalk café. In other words, she stopped to get food on the way to get food. i don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I'm willing to bet that if you looked up "fatass", it would go a lot like that."

The Sentence: 60 days volunteering in a local eating disorder wing clinic.

The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Insinuating that a normal-sized actress looks disgusting.
The Evidence:

"Here are some new Jennifer Love Hewitt candids from yesterday. Oh dear. That’s all I’m going to say."

Even worse? Some of the comments: "I wouldn’t be happy if my legs looked like that," Harley writes. Katya adds: "She needs to loose 15+ pounds, you can see in her face she’s not meant to weigh this much."
The Sentence: 6 months of intense therapy with a concentration on body dysmorphia issues.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Objectificaton of women/female body parts.
The Evidence: Its great to see Ashley Tisdale, Mya and Cheryl Burke, but its better to see them go!. First of all, learn the difference between it;s and its. Second of all, don't you HATE that TMZ is now owned by megarich AOL?
The Sentence:

The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Mocking a woman's height.
The Evidence:

"Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being “sexy.” Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and “make love to the camera,” only by “make love to the camera” you really meant “not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet.” Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn’t make it not a turd, people. It’s another reason not to flush."

The Sentence: Spending 12 hours in a room full of tall women who have been called yetis.

Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

Alicia Keys and her Thick Legs of The Day
"My wife told me i am getting fat and that when I walk, my tits bounced. I asked her if she’s looked in the mirror over the last 5 years, because she’s so fucking fat, she’s got tits growing on the back of her fuckin’ knees. She then told me that she was at a friend’s house watching Oprah and they said that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your cock. That way when I fuck her, maybe I’ll be able to make it past her labia and she’ll feel something. I told he that her fat herpes ridden pussy is the last thing I want to make it into and that I am going to go out and try to gain another 60 pounds so that I don’t even have a penis anymore because that’s what she fucking does to me, she started to cry, but not as loud as Alicia Keys’ piano stool, she looks heavy and I assume shit is reinforced, otherwise it’d be trying to kill itself by breaking in half. Here are some pics of her thick legs performing recently because you’ll take what you can get."

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Calling a woman a whore.
The Evidence:

Lindsay Lohan Flashed Her Crotch Again
"Some fellow perv emailed these to us. These are supposedly Lindsay Lohan leaving a yacht party in Cannes two months ago. I have no reason to believe these aren't Lindsay, or her freckles, or her labia, because she's a global whore, and her random body part flashing knows no bounds."

The Sentence: Any suggestions?

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Blaming the victim.
The Evidence: Regarding the Christie Brinkley divorce, Peter Cook's affair and $3,000/month budget on internet porn, PH writes,

"Maybe Christie wasn't satisfying him??? Seems like that was DEFINITELY the case!"

Or! The dude is a cheating sex-addicted dirtbag! That could DEFINITELY be the case!
Additional crime: Reducing a woman to her orifices.
The Evidence: On a post about Sienna Miller dating two new men:

"Hey, she's got three holes - that's enough to keep three men happy easily."

Yeah, not funny.
The Sentence: 500-page essay on the objectification and dehumanization of women in our culture, with a 100-page well-researched addendum on the psychological state of children whose mothers have been cheated on by husbands who hooked up with teens not much older than the children themselves.

The Accused: Webster's Is My Bitch
The Crime: Bodysnarking an infant.
The Evidence: On a photo of Nicole and tiny, helpless Harlow Madden:

"Yikes. That's uh, some baby ya got there, Nicole. At any rate, if 'getting fat' isn't enough to dissuade Paris Hilton from procreating with Benji Madden, hopefully this oughta do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Madden brothers are perfectly nice and everything, but I don't know that "pasty, big head" are necessarily qualities I'd look for when choosing a sperm donor. Put a pair of ray bans and a fedora on that thing and I'd think that there was three of 'em."

The Sentence: A public apology and 60 hours community service in the neo-natal unit of your local hospital.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling an average-sized woman "fat."
The Evidence: This description of Rachel Hunter:

"She looks like the East German hammer throwing team’s secret weapon, not a former swimsuit model turned reality star. It still doesn’t explain why her face got fatter, though. Maybe the folks at NBC made her maintain a strict circus diet of peanuts and cotton candy for her role as Bertha, the Lesbian Lumberjack Circus Clown. Rod Stewart sure dodged a bullet on this one!"

The ensemble is unfortunate, but she is on a circus show. And! Know what? She is 38 and makes way more money that you do. She doesn't have to put people down on the internet to feel better about herself. Shut yer trap.
The Sentence: A strict diet of peanuts and cotton candy for 90 days, followed by a bikini shoot to be plastered worldwide.

We interrupt this post to bring you…
The Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

"So, I went out to KFC to get my wife a bucket of chicken, and this black chick in the shortest fucking skirt and low cut shirt walks in like she’s Naomi Campbell and should be walking the runways in Paris and not the line-up at a fried chick place. Her body was lean, her legs were long and her tits were huge and she made me mad that I never bagged a black girl because I was always too scared they’d rob me. About a minute later, her pimp or boyfriend or dude she’s fuckin’ walks in and motherfucker was definitely packin’ heat, so I just minded my own business as they went at each other and her fondled her ass and stuck his tongue down her throat and she grabbed at his dick one minute, like they were at a swingers party but were really just at a fried chicken place, something equally sexy to some people. I just looked the other way because I wasn’t going to get shot and ignored them as they fought over their order and dude turned around and slapped her across the face for stepping out of line because he only had enough money for 1 drink and she called him a broke ass nigger in front of the whole restaurant, the next minute. It was a beautiful experience, one of total dysfunction and ghettoness, one far more beautiful than Naomi Campbell in a bikini kissing some rich white dude."

…You may now return to your regularly scheduled ennui.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Nasty nitpicking of a woman's body.
The Evidence: A "upskirt" photograph of Britney Spears, which is, in and of itself, a gross invasion of privacy, though, unfortunately, legal, is accompanied with this text: "If you have a short gag reflex, you might not want to look at these pictures of Britney Spears at Sur in West Hollywood the other night. Mostly because it looks like Britney's ass is growing a beard. I don't know the level of self-esteem it would take to wear this dress with hair growing out of your ass, but needless to say, Britney Spears could teach the class. If Britney's ass was bent over in front of me, I would be pretty sure that I was gay."
The Sentence: Any suggestions?

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

get the revenge they deserve.

The Accused:Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling her a "slut," saying women should wear Burkas because they are unattractive.
The Evidence:"This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms [sic] and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she’s so fuckin’ doughy, you wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she’s got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs [sic], I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you’re fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she’s just being fashionable. It’ll make things easier for you to get it up."
The Punishment: Wow, the shock of actual commas and periods in this post of his has put me off my balance a little bit. However, a step towards grammar will not fool me, Mr. Martinez. He will be exported to Iran where he will be forced to get a sex change (totes legal over there!) and live out the rest of his life as the burka-wearing wifey of the oldest man we can find in the hottest, most religiously conservative area of the Middle East we can find.

The Accused:What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Implying the divorce rumors about Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are the fault of Garner because of her perceived sexual prowess.
The Evidence: "I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this. He's probably losing interest. He’s got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she’s beautiful, Garner doesn’t look like she’d be good in bed. She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something."
The Punishment: Have sex with the chick from Teeth. How do you like 'em sharp edges now?

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Implying Brooke Hogan looks like a man (oh yes, haven't heard that one before) and that she is unattractive because of that.
The Evidence: ""I was gonna write something about how Brooke Hogan actually looks kind of hot in these pictures from the July issue of Maxim magazine, but then I realized that can't be Brooke Hogan, because the person in those pictures actually looks like a girl. If it really is Brooke, then Maxim must have paid a lot of money for the airbrushers to work their magic, and it looks like they would have needed quite a few heavy-duty spells."
The Punishment: Castration for not having the balls to think of a new joke and forced to become Brooke's personal suntan lotion-applier for life (because we hear she needs one).

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: More implication that a woman (Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya) looks like a man/ is a tranny. Demanding a woman prove her non-tranny status by posing nude.
The Evidence: "You’re probably wondering who this weird-looking thing is, and her name is Daisy De La Hoya from VH1’s Rock of Love 2. I think she might be related to Oscar but I’m not sure, nor am I sure whether or not I find her to be hot. I’m on the fence with this one because girl’s got some dude-like facial qualities due to all the makeup she has on and definitely requires further investigation. Even the name Daisy is tranny-esque. Anyway, Daisy, if that’s your real name, let’s clear this situation up. Send me nudes."
The Punishment: An hour-long ass-kicking from Oscar.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking a woman's backside for not being unnaturally smooth.
The Evidence: "A-list nobody Phoebe Price may have finally found a way to make herself memorable — taking a picture of her loose, pasty, anatomically incorrect backside! Phoebe, age unknown, took time out of her busy schedule of standing outside the Ivy begging anyone to take her photo — to flash her congealed body, while doing something resembling a cartwheel on the beach this weekend. She's not ready for her closeup."
The Punishment: Being forced to do cartwheels along the beach from sunrise to sunset for a week.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Implying they want to kill Britney Spears for having the audacity to walk around in a bikini in her house. Also: mocking her body.
The Evidence: "Britney Spears walked around outside her house in Beverly Hills yesterday, and from what I can tell, nobody has told her that she should never ever wear a bikini. Ever. Nine years ago, I would have shot my parents in the face to get in that. Now, I just want to shoot that propane tank. If I did, I'm pretty sure the city of Beverly Hills would give me some kind of award. Like the key to the city or a parade. And several corporations around the world would offer me the glamorous position of Senior Vice President of Lookin' Suave. I'm the man!
The Punishment: Forced to parade around Beverly Hills in nothing more than a bikini for an entire month. In January.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Denigrating a woman's looks for not being stereotypically "feminine"
The Evidence: "Can't she get that fixed??? Rumer Willis, aspiring "actress", attended the 2008 Crystal Lucy Women in Film Awards in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. Seriously, isn't there surgery where you can shave down your jaw??? We're sure some trannys have gotten it done to make themselves look more "feminine." Plastic surgery is not always a bad thing. Rumer should look into it! And, while she's there, she might wanna get her nose done too!" What did Rumer Willis ever do to Perez? She is a constant target for him — he takes every possible opportunity to criticize her for no reason. His continued denigration of alternative sexuality (last week: dissing Samantha Ronson, this week, implying Rumer Willis is a "tranny") make his gay-rights advocacy totally suspect. Apparently he only wants respect and rights for himself not for the actual community.
The Punishment: A kick in the nards from Rumer's dad, Bruce. He looks like he does not suffer fools gladly.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Equating bisexuality/stripping with prostitution.
The Evidence:"Here’s Tila Tequila rockin’ a tight purple dress like it was my birthday outside Mr. Chow’s restaurant. Now people are saying that Tila isn’t bisexual and making a big deal about it. But let me tell you something, every girl I’ve ever met who was willing to take their clothes off for money was also willing to dyke out for money too. So enough with this nonsense that she’s a fake. Girl is open for business." I'm no fan of Ms. Tequila's but the assumption that she is gay for pay is just tasteless.
The Punishment: Having to watch 72 straight hours of Ms. Tequila's A Shot of Love, Clockwork Orange-style, with eyes forced open the entire time.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Felony body snarking
The Evidence: "Top fitness experts recommend hot dogs for breakfast, and it must be the key to how Hilary Duff has shed her unwanted sexiness for a more lumpy and waddling figure. As you can see here when she met her mom for breakfast at Papoos hot dog stand in Toluca Lake yesterday. Damn. This chick used to be so cute. Now she looks like she’s halfway through a sex change. " Ugh. Hilary Duff, like every other goddamn woman, has weight fluctuations. So effing what. She is still adorable and you can fuck off.
The Punishment: Must live on hot dogs and hot dogs alone for 3 weeks.

The Accused: Yeeah
The Crime: misdemeanor body snarking
The Evidence: "Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!" Sigh. See what we said about Hilary Duff. Also: fuck off.
The Punishment: Jessica Simpson's cowboy boot inserted directly in anus.

The Accused: Our old pal, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Raging homophobia, sexism, racism, probably a bunch of -isms that haven't been invented yet.
The Evidence: A reader recently reached out and told me that they wanted some Matthew McConaughey news, I didn’t really know why but assumed it was because the reader was a poofter and into dudes and wanted some pics to get of to because he thought McConaughey had a rockin’ bod or some shit, so I told the motherfucker that I don’t want no faggots ’round here and tied him to the back of a pick-up truck like he was a black dude from the south and drove for 18 miles. I am just kidding, I only went 10 miles, but dude won’t be asking me for no faggot pictures anymore…[H]ere is Matthew McConaughey wasted and having an amazing time in Central America doing what I do best without the obesity, anger, puke covered shirt or fingers inside an unsuspecting passed out whore. All while leaving his pregnant maid back at home because you can’t give her preferential treatment just for letting you plant seed in her, the other maids will revolt and then no one would be there to cook dinner, clean the Air Stream or do the laundry…" Look, we understand that the Drunken Stepfather says outrageous things on purpose in order to rile people up. But it's unfunny, it's tired, and it's mostly just sad. Putting on an over-the-top racist persona in order to get attention is actually fucking pathetic.
The Punishment: Being miniaturized and having to hang out in Matthew's reportedly unwashed armpit for all eternity.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime : ageism; reducing a woman to her overly-sexualized body parts.
The Evidence: "If you have just eaten or you if you don't have enough free time on your calendar to projectile vomit for the next two weeks, be warned, you might want to skip this nip slip and upskirt look into hell brought to you by Shauna Sand. She used to be married to Lorenzo Lamas and was Playboy's Playmate of the Month for May 1996, but as you can see, a lot can happen in 12 years. Namely, turning Shauna Sand into a dayshift stripper with a pussy that looks like a badly packed suitcase. And please, I can't even talk about her tits. Maybe later. I've been sitting here for about 10 minutes now waiting for them to finish transforming into whatever they're in the middle of changing into. I'm hoping it's a hot rod or a rocket ship. You know, or something cool like that." You know, demeaning her sexual organs just makes you sound like an ignorant fool.
The Punishment: A large dose of ipecac, so that "projectile vomit" IDLYITW is predicting can happen right on schedule!

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Ickily sexualizing breast-feeding
The Evidence: That's great, miracle of life and all that, but what I really want to know is when Jessica Alba is going to look like she does in these bikini pictures here? I have a sinking feeling the answer may be never. On the flip side, can you imagine how lucky that kid is, getting to be that close to Jessica Alba's breasts everyday? You know Cash Warren is getting anywhere near them for a long time." It is not Jessica Alba's raison d'etre to look hot in a bikini.
The Punishment: Six months on Honor Alba Warren diaper duty.

The Accused : Yeeeah
The Crime:: comparing a woman's vagina to toxic waste
The Evidence:"Of course she’s not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I’d be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there’d just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read “The End Is Near — John 3:16.” You’d be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way." God, can't these jerks even be original? Last week WWTDD made similarly derisive comments about Paris's possible pregnancy. And again: we're not thrilled about the idea of Paris procreating either, but comparing sex with her to "frying bacon in hydrochloric acid" is just tasteless.
The Punishment: 5 weeks working at a fertility clinic with reproductively challenged women.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: demeaning a woman's looks because she is not traditionally "feminine."
The Evidence: "Now, saMAN's own, brother, producer Mark Ronson, is also confirming that they are lesbian lovers. He says: 'My sister and Lindsay [Lohan] make a cute couple, don’t they?' Hmmm. Not so much! Cute is definitely not a word we would use to describe saMAN!" We're not the first to point this out, but isn't it completely hypocritical for Perez, as a vocal gay rights supporter, to bash a woman for not conforming to societal norms? Boooerns, Perez, boooerns.
The Punishment: indentured servitude to Dina Lohan.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Bashing a pregnant woman's body; being sizeist
The Evidence: "Okay, this isn't exactly the way I wanted to see Jessica Alba back in her bikini, but you've got to admit, there is something strangely compelling about these Jessica Alba bikini pictures. It's kind of like a roadside accident. You don't want to look, but you just can't help it." The moniker "Egotastic" "is fitting, since this editor apparently thinks the world revolves around him. Look, guy, Jessica Alba doesn't give a hoot whether or not you want to see her in a bikini, and she shouldn't, because you're an ass who compares pregnancy to a car crash. I mean, we'd call your mother's pregnancy a car wreck, but maybe that's going too far!
The Sentence: Massaging pregnant women's swollen, unwashed tootsies for 72 hours straight.

The Accused:The Superficial
The Crime: Comparing Queen Latifah to a manatee
The Evidence: "Upholding my never-ending quest to post bikini pictures of the stars, here's shots of Queen Latifah in Miami enjoying some aquatic activities. As a boob-lover, all I can say is DAMN! Where do the breasts end and the woman begin? But, seriously, I really want to know. I've been staring at these pics for hours and I'm totally lost. Okay, that's a thigh. Or is it an arm? Wait, I'm looking at manatee pictures. How'd these get mixed in? Geekologist!" This is just so dumb, but again, what bugs is how TIRED it is. Just last month, The Superficial's cousin in idiocy, Yeeah!, compared Britney to a manatee. Also? Fuck off.
The Sentence: Getting a single breast implant in the middle of his stomach, you know, since he is such a boob-lover, he should get one of his own! Consider it a gift from us, cyclops.

The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Demeaning a woman's looks.
The Evidence:: "I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. No one I know ever accused her of being pretty. A grown-up version of that girl in your tenth grade English class that wrote cliched poems on her arms and refused to let grunge die its slow flannel death, yes. Tubby and party-hat nippled, yes. Pretty, no. Frankly, if she’s going to start apologizing, she might want to start with one of those other ones first."
The Sentence: Being subjected to a bar fight with Lily Allen's entourage and a couple of British soccer hooligans added in for good measure. I bet your nipples will look fantastic afterwards.

The Accused : WWTDD
The Crime: joking about violence against women.
The Evidence: "Paris Hilton was walking around last night with Benji Madden or Joel Madden or whichever one it is she dates, and she looked suspiciously pregnant while doing it. So if you’re wondering if I’ve been put in charge yet, this is how you can the answer is 'no.' My plan calls for Paris Hilton to be flipped upside down and then we’ll fill her vagina with cement. I know it's sounds radical, but it’s the only way to be sure. I'm tough but fair." Look, I'm not a big fan of the idea of Paris Hilton having a kid, but joking about how her vagina should be filled with cement is out of line.
The Sentence: All of his orifices should be filled with cement, obvi!

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: WWTDD
The Crime: Sexism, misogyny, ageism.
The Evidence: (Referring to SATC)

"In this case, a movie where the hottest guys in New York are lining up to bang some weathered old hags. Rawr, Samantha, you sex kitten you! It’s easy to see why hot young models (this guy, to be specific) are lining up for one night in that dusty old snatch of yours. You’re soooo sexy. I know it's a sin to day dream about sweaty deviant sex with Samantha, but God should have thought have that before he made her so hot."

Frankly, writing "dusty old snatch" is basically a hate crime. And the hate comes from fear. Why are men so fearful of older women? I could launch into a diatribe about the role of the crone in Western history — how powerful medicine women with the knowledge of herbs and cures were turned into "hags" and "witches" by the Christian patriarchy, but I'll refrain. This person probably just hates his mother.
The Sentence: Burning at the stake, of course.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Lookism.
The Evidence:

"Brooke's fugly ass was driving in the center lane of Bayside Bridge when the car in front of her lost control while trying to switch lanes. The car hit Brooke's car and pushed her into a concrete wall. The cops say the accident was not Brooke's fault. I still blame Brooke. The driver in front of her probably caught a glimpse of her fugly fug ass in his rear view mirror and this caused him to lose control."

Calling someone fugly just isn't humorous. Sue me. Your face is the result of a genetic lottery you have no part in; women are mocked if they get plastic surgery and derided if they don't, shamed if they don't fit into some abstract beauty standard, if they're not symmetrical and "feminine" enough. Humans are supposedly evolved creatures. Why do we treat each other this way? (A reader writes: "Car crashes are not funny. Calling Brooke Hogan a man is not funny. Blerg.")
The Sentence: Incredibly serious and painful whiplash.

The Accused: TMZ
First Crime: Name-calling, derogatory sexism.
The Evidence:

"Hills" Babes Skank Their Way To The Top. So on TMZ TV tonight, we're getting to the bottom of the skankiest question in Hollywood — Which "Hills" chick is the biggest tramp? Lauren Conrad was the original Queen Bee, until Heidi raised her game with a couple of "enhancements." But Audrina blew them both out of the water with those nude pics."

And there is a poll. Look, no one is saying that the girls of The Hills are bastions of morality. But "who's the biggest tramp" contest? Really? Juvenile. Sexist. Not funny.
Additional Crime: Lookism.
Reader-Submitted Evidence: "Celebrity But-Her-Face: Some celebs are good from far, but far from good. Check out which stars have everything goin' on ... but their face." It's a slide show of people with "hot bodies" but supposedly not hot faces. And there are men included! That doesn't make it right, however.
The Sentence: An "accident" in which this person is burned in the face with acid.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Lookism, gay-mocking.
Evidence, via a Reader: "Every time Perez Hilton mentions Lindsay Lohan's rumored girlfriend, he calls her saMANtha Ronson. For someone who proclaims to love lesbians, making fun of one because of her homo-flavored gender presentation is a little fucked up, don't you think? Dude isn't trying to look like a lady! Get over it!" Well said.
The Sentence: Temporary blindness. Oh, wait. Longer than that.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: More misogyny!
The Evidence:"

Women are catty and ugly women are catty and insecure, so of course this chick was gonna try to steal Shania's husband. She did it just so she could say, "You see, I can't be that ugly. I stole Shania Twain's husband." When in reality, she looks like Pumba. And Mutt Lange looks like he's been embalmed. In fact, I heard that the reason there are no pictures of these two together is because whenever they try to take one God kills an orphan."

Do you even understand what is going on here? People try to be edgy or snarky and push the limits, and it just comes off as hate speech. If women ARE catty OR insecure surely it is because we're living in a shitty world where we are judged by our looks and people are paid to write this crap.
The Sentence: 90 days (unpaid) working in an all-girls orphanage, teaching tolerance and kindness.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com
The Crime: Should be obvious.
Verdict: SarahJessicaParkerHasMoreMoneyThanYouEverWillSoJustRelax.com
Case dismissed.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Multiple counts, mostly sexism, misogyny and stupidity.
The Evidence:

"'Lindsay Lohan Is gay' Says Dad: Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes."

I would respond to this but I am busy burying my face in my hands and weeping for the future of this planet. BRB.
The Sentence: This one is a real doozy. Suggestions, please.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Foul language; equating clothes and actions.
The Evidence:

"Linda Hogan: Prison Slut. Linda Hogan dressed up to see her son in jail ... the good news is she could go right from there to work the 2:00 PM shift at the local strip club. With barely-there shorts, a tight tee and pair of Lucite heels, Linda arrived separately from her daughter, Brooke, and soon-to-be ex, Hulk Hogan. Linda, some of the guys in the hoosegow haven't seen a chick in six months. Then again, some of them are clearly eligible."

Okay, well, you can make the argument that dressing slutty doesn't make you a slut. I wore a Playboy Bunny Halloween costume when I was in 6th grade despite never having made out with a boy. Then again, Linda Hogan is tacky. But it's not cool for "entertainment news" site to have a headline called "Linda Hogan: Prison Slut." It pisses me off that they have this team of people who go out and harass celebs and then write awful things about them and are then rewarded with a corporate deal from AOL. It legitimizes their assholery.
The Sentence: A kick in the nuts with the aforementioned stripper heels.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Rape jokes.
The Evidence:

"I wonder if someone tried to rape Kirsten. Because she's so sexy. And then things got out of hand. Sex crimes are serious. Any time a girl is raped, I think she should go to the cops immediately. Unless I'm the one who did it, in which case I think we should just let bygones be bygones. Why live in the past?"

Wow. I don't know. Half of me thinks they're baiting us. The other half is like who cares, typing those words should be a crime. It's not right and it's not funny. Rape is a brutal act of aggression and making light of it is immoral. The end.
The Sentence: A case of necrotizing fasciitis, also known as the flesh-eating disease.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Equating Britney to a manatee.
The Evidence:

"Save the Britney: Meet Britney! She’s one of the few who survived 2007, during which 78 manatees were killed by watercraft and hundreds more by water pollution and direct destruction of their natural habitats. But with the advent of Adopt-A-Manatee, you can do your part to help save Florida’s gentle giants. For only $25 you get: * A photo of your manatee * The manatee’s biography * An adoption certificate * A signed copy of "Toxic" * Four newsletters throughout the year with updated reports on your adoptee. Britney needs our help. Let’s all do our part to save the docile sea cows of the Southeastern United States!"

Britney's had a tough year and she seems to be getting a handle on her mental illness. Lord knows what kind of medications she is on. Why do people feel the need to talk about her weight? Why is any mother of two under the microscope like this? For the record, she does not look like a sea cow, she looks great. What is wrong with people.
Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: Egotastic
The Evidence:

"With her recent weight gain, and Mel Gibson whisking her down to Costa Rica, many have been speculating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. But as you can see from these Britney Spears bikini pictures, she's just getting fatter. Her belly is definitely bigger, but those rolls of fat clearly show the only things causing that bump are burgers. Or Cheetos in Britney's case."

Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Evidence:

"I'm not sure what kind of funhouse mirror glasses this dude from The Sun is looking at these pictures with, but the only curves I see is on Britney's Coke can. The rest is just Britney's fat ass squeezed into a bikini. At this point, I'm just surprised a whale didn't bite her ankle and pull her into the ocean to be it's[sic] mate. You could see how that would be an honest mistake."

The Sentence: All offenders must spend 48 hours treading water in the open sea, wearing a necklace of steaks.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Good old-fashioned misogyny.
The Evidence:

"Lily Allen is horrifically unattractive, so I guess she really had no other choice. Ugly girls have to compete with hot chicks somehow. Unless Lily Allen can give blowjobs with her mind, getting drunk and ripping off her clothes seems like a pretty reasonable option."

First: "Ugly" girls do not have to "compete" with "hot chicks." A woman's world does not revolve around whether men find her attractive. Unfortunately, the gossip blogging culture is making its money off of the idea that a woman's worth is in her looks. If you're not a "hot chick" you must be worthless, even though you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and a brain and talents. Gah.
The Sentence: Acute glaucoma that leads to blindness.

Three readers pressed charges against the following:

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking a baby.
The Evidence:

"How Do We Say This Delicately? Adam Sandler revealed to Jay Leno last night that he and his wife are expecting another baby. Uhmmmm…. Let's hope this kid isn't as ugly as Sandler's other child, Sadie, age 2. Yeah, there, we said it! Perez looks in the mirror a lot. He knows ugly when he sees it and that kid is ugly. And fat too!"

Hear that, two-year-olds? Nevermind that you're developing and growing and need all your nutrients so that you can someday have adult-sized teeth and a fully-functioning brain. You need to diet!
The Sentence: 60 days wearing a poop-filled baby diaper. Or something like that. Any suggestions?

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Icky sexualization of mammaries.
The Evidence: "Xtina's Rack — What a Boy Wants. They're real (allegedly) and they're spectacular!" See, here's the thing. Sure, breasts are sexualized in certain cultures, but Christina Aguilera: 1. Has implants and 2. Is a new mother who may still be breastfeeding. So it's supposedly funny to write "What a boy wants" cuz like, she had that song, "What A Girl Wants," but actually most men don't "want" milk-filled silicone jugs, do they? Unless by "boy" you mean "child under 2."
The Sentence: Watch the video for "Fighter" 250 times and write a 1000 word essay on these lyrics: "It makes me that much stronger/Makes me work a little bit harder/It makes me that much wiser/So thanks for making me a fighter/Made me learn a little bit faster/Made my skin a little bit thicker/Makes me that much smarter/So thanks for making me a fighter."

The Accused, via reader submission: The Superficial
The Crime: A vile commenter who dreams of homicide.
The Evidence: On topless photos of Lily Allen, Andy writes: "If I were stranded in the Artic[sic] in the dead of winter, I'd slice open that huge belly and crawl inside to keep warm and survive the night. Otherwise I wouldn't touch this disgusting fat pig." Lily Allen is many things, but she is not a tauntaun. Says our reader,"Although there have been some egregious things said in regard to females, their sexuality and their very being, this by far was the most appalling comment I have ever read." Agreed. And thanks for the e-mail.
The Sentence: A one-way ticket to the Arctic to be mauled by a polar bear and experience frostbite.

The Accused, via reader submission: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes, a gossip-blog favorite.
The Evidence: "Trannycat Doll lead singer(?), Nicole Scherzinger, has taken the first step in dispelling all the rumors that everyone in this group has cocks by getting out of a car at Villa in Hollywood. Despite what my ex-girlfriend tells you, I've seen a lot of vaginas up close, so I'm comfortable saying this chick has one. I guess this is good news. She also looks like Pocahontas, so if you're thinking about raping her, you can say it was just for a history project." How many times to I have to type this? RAPE JOKES. NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
The Sentence: 5,000 word essay on the book "Exterminate Them": Written Accounts of the Murder, Rape, and Slavery of Native Americans During the California Gold Rush, 1848-1868.

That's it for the accused today. We don't have very many because they are usually culled by our own Maria-Mercedes Lara, and she's been out this week. Why? Because she graduated from Eugene Lang, the Liberal Arts College of The New School University, TODAY! She was a double major in both literature and writing. Congrats, Maria!

And if ever any of you see a Crime Against Womanity, don't hesitate to send the link and a short description to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Reducing women to body parts; comparing and contrasting those parts.
The Evidence: "Jammed into the public eye, female celebs are forced to grow, shrink and generally just change shape right in front of our eyes." It's a gallery of breast and cleavage images. So it's not about a woman as a whole, as a thinking and feeling human, huh. It's how well her tits are holding up. Is it any wonder women actually believe that cosmetic surgery is a necessary step toward self-esteem? That cutting yourself open and inserting silicone will make you feel better? Oh! And AOL owns TMZ, don't forget.
The Sentence: A 100-page essay on the Venus of Willendorf.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking of weight.
The Evidence: "Unless we need to get our eyes checked, it totally looks like Kirstie Alley got fat again! It's a good thing she's no longer hawking Jenny Craig! Here is Alley flying out of LAX this past weekend. She probably needs to book two seats just for her these days." Reader Jen says: "I think it's pretty mean to bash celebrities over their weight, and I'm sure she knows she's not a skinny person and doesn't need the world poking fun at her. She is still an incredibly funny, beautiful (I'd kill for her hair), intelligent woman, and her weight is not all that defines her. How about sticking to gossip that doesn't always bash people's personal appearances; everyone gains and loses weight, but it doesn't change who they are, just the number on the scale." Well said!
The Sentence: A 100-page essay on Rubens

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a fit woman.
The Evidence: "Well, this is an odd pairing: Pink with Bai Ling. Here they are both in their bikinis kayaking in Malibu, and guess what? I'm not turned on in the least. It's one lesbian fantasy that just doesn't work. I know I said earlier that I dig Bai Ling but that was in transfer of money kind of way, and Pink I definitely can't get it up for. The thought of both our rock hard bodies pressed against each other just made me wish I never even wrote that." Women are mocked for being too fat and for being too fit? As if Pink gives a shit about your erection. Just like her song, it's just you and your hand tonight, buddy.
The Sentence: A drop-kick and a paddle across the face from Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight.
The Evidence: The story is titled "Mimi's Wedding Pictures Coming Soon" and the image is a cow wearing a veil and holding a bouquet. Hilarious, right? The woman who writes her own songs and has had more hit singles than Elvis is a bovine, a heifer, a hooved farm animal. Yeah, I don't love MC but that is not funny.
The Sentence: Thou shalt be force-fed a cow pie covered in Hello Kitty sprinkles.

Special Drunken Stepfather Section:
So Guanabee conducted an interview with "Jesus Martinez" of Drunken Stepfather. Martinez says: "I was inspired to start the site because I was pissed off, knew I couldn't get a job working in any industry and figured I'd do it on my own. It wasn't a business and still isn't a business, it was just a place to take out my frustration kinda like my virtual punching bag. I am not and never was interested in celebrities. I guess I started my attack on them because they are the idols of popculture and I knew they were full of shit. I guess it was a combo of liking naked chicks and seeing these celebs not at their best or slippin' up on their contrived bullshit images that gave me enough content to continue tellin' my stories and spreading my irreverent word to about 5 people."

It's this ire that leads him to write things like this:

"So it's Lily Allen's birthday and she's wearing some kind of see through dress when she should really be wearing some kind of Mascot Costume because at least that way bitch would look cute. I can only assume that she forgot to wear a bra because she's so distraught that her baby will never see it's first birthday because it's living in a pair of bloody panties she just can't seem to bring herself to throw out. I guess that's the harsh reality of smoking and drinking' while knocked up and a miscarriage is just the small price you have to pay for being an irresponsible joke of an expecting mother.

Either way, here are her nipples that her baby will never get to suckle on for food, because her baby never made it out of her rotten vagina and I'd like to think that he's not the first one to feel the negative effect of her lady parts. In reality, I think every dude who's ever fucked her can relate to that miscarriage because as soon as they were done with her and looked into her face and realized what they did, they wanted to die too. "

"That's a tough call because I am the kind of guy who does take life a little too seriously at times and gets frustrated or pissed off at the world, but I wouldn't consider myself an angry or hateful person. I think I mock the norms of what is considered acceptable and say things that I think other people are thinking but are too pussy to say, but I am not an activist or really passionate about my ideals and in reality - pretty inconsistent.

I don't hate any gender, any race, any religion, any mindset other than people who choose to live the conventional suburban middle-class risk-free life. I can't grasp that shit and just see people who have given up on their dreams and passions for social acceptance.

I have Black, White, Jewish, Asian friends. I have devout Christian friends and Muslim friends. I have met all kinds of people and I would never say I hate people but I would say I hate how society represents people. And that's what I write."

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking pregnant women for their changing bodies.
The Evidence: "The newest accessory in Hollywood is a baby bump. Let's just hope these don't come with stretch marks. It's all about the cocoa butter ladies!" Because when a woman brings a new life into the world, the first thing on her mind should be taking care of those unseemly stretch marks!
The Sentence: three months of Harlow Richie-Madden diaper duty and a kick in the nuts from mum-to-be Nicole Kidman.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Ageism; heightism; general assholery.
The Evidence: "If I was on the beach, which I am not and haven't been on in years because I don't live the celebrity life of luxury, I wouldn't mind lookin' at [Denise Richards] in hopes of a vagina lip hangin' out but the second a younger, tighter body walks by this hag, I'll be getting my creep on elsewhere. It's one of those better than nothing situations like the time you jerked off to your sister on a family camping trip because it was between her and your mom and jerking off to your mom just felt too wrong..." Wow, there is just so much wrong here. In Drunken Stepfather's world apparently a "tighter body" means a "better person" and it's cool to jerk off to your female family members, because all women — even the ones who are related to you — are only useful as sexual fantasies.
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Brooke Shields Leaving the hospital on crutches, I guess her legs finally gave-out from the weight of her testicles." Uh, why is Brooke Shields a man? Because she's tall? I don't even understand this one.
The Sentence: Dysentery. Drunken Stepfather can spend all that time on the toilet thinking about what he's done.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's weight; kicking someone when they're down
The Evidence:"Star Magazine is going all crazy over these Britney Spears bikini pictures, claiming she looks great after losing 20 pounds, and she's still losing more. But if you ask me, Britney Spears losing 20 pounds is like Rosie O'Donnell dropping 200: You just wouldn't notice. Regardless, no matter what Britney does, she'll never be attractive again, so I say she should just keep on stuffing her face with Cheetos. At least that way you'll be able to smell the cheesey flavour coming before she crashes her car into your ass." You know, Britney's "attractiveness" to idiots like you is sort of the least of her problems right now. Also, you're a dick.
The Sentence: A lifetime of indentured servitude at the Cheeto factory.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Implying women are men because they are not waifs.
The Evidence: "So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they'd swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!" Jesus — just because a woman has muscles, does not mean she's a man.
The Sentence: A large dose of Nair straight to the ball sack, natch.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Calling a woman who does not meet some predetermined and subjective ideal of femininity a man and generally criticizing her looks.
The Evidence: "Here's a shot of Fergie in the Bahamas over the weekend. While I often publicly question her gender, I will admit that maybe kind of sort of Josh Duhamel doesn't entirely hate his penis after bedding this body. At least until he looks at Fergie's face, then there's lots of weeping and cursing. Mostly at God for being 'such a fucking asshole douchebag trickster to create this manner of creature. Oh, you want to go again, baby? Shit, I'm only human. Say, would you mind wearing the pillow case this time? I mean, it is my birthday. Heart you.'" Oh, you're attracted to her, so she MUST be a woman, huh? What does it matter what she looks like? And why does your opinion matter? And why are you even writing this crap? Oh, it's right there in the title, Superficial.
The Sentence: Whipworm infestation.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Calling women men; mocking them in a gallery.
The Evidence: "Dude Looks Like a Lady ... Wait, That is a Lady!" Pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hilary Swank, Michelle Rodriguez, Kathleen Turner, Kathy Griffin and Julie Andrews. You know TMZ is owned by AOL now, you'd think they'd class up their act a little, and not publish sexist misogynistic posts in the name of humor.
The Sentence: Ringworm, which is not a worm but a fungus. Don't say you didn't learn something new today!

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's body and insinuating that she is large.
The Evidence: "The female body is not the type of thing we usually talk about here - I don't think that kind of discussion is very classy - and I don't feel scandalous or unflattering pictures of a celebrity has any place on the internet, but these pictures of Denise Richards are going up because holy shit has she gone to hell. She used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth, and pictures of her tits were every young boys secret bullseye. Now she looks like she's made of donuts. You would think someone with so much gravity could stay on a surfboard that's bigger than the high school I went too, but apparently not. Maybe they can get her someones roof and she can surf on that." Really? Denise Richards has a weight problem? She's a 37-year-old mother of two. It's disgusting that men get away with writing about women like this. Oh, and look: Bally Total Fitness is a sponor of WWTDD. Great.
The Sentence: Infestation by Chinese liver fluke.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Implying that a woman is too fat to be seen unclothed.
The Evidence: "I just really like being naked," [says] the American Idolstar. You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers." Wow. Hilarious. Fuck you.
The Sentence: A colony of chiggers that live under and feed on the skin.

The Accused: DListed
Reader-Submitted Crime: Menstruation-mocking.
The Evidence: "Kim Kardashian Wipes The Skank Off: I shouldn't say that. I don't think it's possible for Kim Kardashian to wipe the skank off completely. She would have to remove her skin and that's probably pretty painful. She looks alright without make-up, but I sort of love it when she looks like a tranny call girl. She's suffering from 'period face' here. And I bet that bitch's flow is heaaaaaaavy." The reader says: "I lurve Michael K, but I want to flick him in his balls for this... mostly because I think I have period face today, and I want to hide/die/poursulfuricacidonmydeskfornoreason. Maybe I'm just overreacting." You're not. If you don't menstruate, you have no right to tease those who do.
The Sentence: Bloodletting! With leeches, of course.
Same Defendant, Additional Reader-Submitted Crime: Making light of cutting a woman's clitoris.
The Evidence: She can catch flies with her coochie! Jenna Jameson showed up to Comic Con in New York on Friday looking like she slithered in from the forest. Let's cut off her clit and see if it grows back! Yeah, what clit? That shit probably got destroyed a long ass time ago." The reader says: "I'm sorry, but female genital mutilation Is.Not.Funny." Agreed.
The Sentence: Pubic lice, of course.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks.
The Evidence: "Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants. 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters 'T, R, A, N, S.'" Hey, I don't love Brooke Hogan. I think it's weird that she bleaches her hair to look like her mom and dad and um, her dad's new girlfriend. But it's just not fair to call her a tranny. She can't help that she inherited genes from her 6 foot 4 and 238 pound father. And there's nothing she can do about it. And being tall and broad doesn't mean you're not a woman! Heh, "broad."
The Sentence: A Powerslam by Hulk Hogan himself.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Again, reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks. And saying that a woman looks like a man.
The Evidence: "2001's international pop sensation, Pink, was in Malibu this weekend with some dude and an unfortunate bikini. Pink is the dude in the bikini. It's hard to tell how in love with yourself you have to be to look like Pink and tattoo bows on the backs of your thighs, but I'm guessing it's a lot. Considering I'd rather have sex with an electrical fence, I'd say it's way more than the agreed upon definition of 'a lot.'" Pink can sing. Pink loves to work out and is fucking strong. Once I was on a photoshoot with Pink and she did some gymnastics on the set, including walking on her hands, and everyone's jaw dropped. Pink can kick your ass. Don't fuck with Pink.
The Sentence: Asian mist, performed by Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Talking about women in filthiest terms possible.
The Evidence: "Paris is fucking gross and disgusting. The inside of Paris' stomach probably looks like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese due to all the chunky jizz she's eaten. Stupid skank! [Paris and Kim Kardashian] hate each other. Now is our chance to finally rid the world of the two biggest whores. We should have a 'whore off.' We'll stick a hard 12-inch dick in front of them and watch as they suck to the death." As noted before, it's not about defending Paris or Kim — it's about the stigma women who are free and single and maybe enjoy sex have. It's not cool when any man calls any woman a whore, unless, of course, she does collect income from performing sexual acts, in which case "hooker" seems better somehow.
The Sentence: The Boston crab.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Rape joke.
The Evidence: (On an Ashlee Simpson post) "So she's pregnant. That's why the rushed wedding. Stuff like this is why you have to be careful. Always use protection, and if you're like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on. That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser." Hahaha, fuck you.
The Sentence: Moonsault.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a pregnant woman's size. Always a knee-slapper.
The Evidence: "Seven months ago seeing Jessica Alba suck on a lollipop would have been considered hot, but the girl just had to go and get herself knocked up and ruin everything. Not even her milky tits can hide the fact that she's almost the size of a small minivan. Anyway, feels like she's been carrying that hot body-killer around forever. When is it going to drop?" It's just not even funny. Can you believe this site considers itself "for entertainment purposes"?
The Sentence: Piledriver.
Additional Crime: Cellulite-critique.
The Evidence: "Here's Katherine Heigl wearing panties on the set of her movie The Ugly Truth, but unfortunately the real ugly truth is that she needs to work on those legs. They're looking a little Mischa Barton-like. Now ladies, save your 'that's what a woman looks like' emails. It won't fly with me. The girl smokes like a chimney and I highly doubt she spends much time at the gym, so if she's going to prance around in her panties, she better have the goods." Actresses are not anatomical models to be inspected and stamped with your approval or disapproval. A woman is not a piece of meat. Fuck! This pisses me off.
The Sentence: Doomsday Device.

The Accused: CelebNewsWire
The Crime: Reduction of a woman to her genitalia.
The Evidence: "Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy," reads the headline of a story about Paris Hilton wanting a cheetah. Listen, yeah, it's Paris, but seriously. The story could be reported in a funny, non-misogynistic, non-offensive way. Calling her a "vagina" and labeling it "news" is despicable.
The Sentence: Mauling by Cheetah.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Dwelling on armpit hair.
The Evidence: "I also happened to notice that in this scene from The Tracey Fragments, in which Ellen Page is topless, and flashing her ass, her armpits are totally unshaven. Now, this could just mean that Ellen Page has different views on hygiene, but when you're a big-time Hollywood star, not shaving your armpits is a pretty big statement." Yawn. Females have armpit hair. And leg hair. And, gasp! Pubic hair. Who the fuck cares.
The Sentence: 90 days of hypertrichosis.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Unnecessary attention to cellulite.
The Evidence: "Mushy Gets Mushy: How can such a skinny girl have so much cellulite???? Drunk-driver Mushy Fartone celebrates avoiding a jail sentence by indulging in some shopping in Los Angeles on Tuesday. Unfortunately for her, she flashed a little more than she should have to the paparazzi. Be careful Msicha, you've got the fat genes in your family. Mommy's a hefty gal, and it looks like you will be too!" Cellulite is a naturally occurring condition that practically ALL POST-ADOLESCENT FEMALES develop. It is not related to being overweight. Genetics, gender, race and hormones affect cellulite. As long as she can use them to walk, Mischa's legs are fine. Also: Shut up.
The Sentence: Freaky Friday-style bodyswap with Manuel Uribe for 90 days.
Additional Crime: Under a photograph of Sharon Stone: "The actress, who hasn't been in a hit film in, like, forever, is finally starting to look her age. Sharon just turned 73 50. And she looks it!" Our own Maria-Mercedes asks, "Is there something wrong with looking your age?" The answer is, of course, no.
The Sentence: A hearty slap across the face from Sharon Stone, and may she have rings on.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Weight-mockery.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Big Ass On The Prairie: It looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ankle finally gave way under the pressure." Hahaha hey you guys, it's so fun to call J. Love Hewitt fat, I mean look at her neck, it's like so gigantic, and women are only as good as they look, hahahaha.
The Sentence: A reader pointed out that last week's medieval tortures did not include the Catherine Wheel, so let's use it now, shall we?

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Again with the mocking of pregnant women. Do these people not have mothers?
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba had her baby shower this weekend, and it served as a nice reminder that pregnancy slowly turns even the hottest chicks into monsters. We may have gone past the point of no return with this one." Why are pregnant women scary monsters? Are they creepy and gross? Does someone need some psychological help? Or a cookie?
The Sentence: Repressed memory therapy and 90 days community service rubbing the feet of pregnant women.

Drunken Stepfather Quote Of The Day:

My problem is not with women but with feminists who create Women's Studies programs in Universities and who overcompensate by denouncing their sex appeal, putting on a pair of construction boots and taking of their make-up so that they can be hard ass cunts by taking themselves too seriously and ragging on people like me in some kind of fight for women's rights and a whole down with penis mission. All this while denying that they can use their bodies and sex appeal to get ahead. I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit, because I don't think women have nothing to say and are useless and only good for fucking, but because I think there's a group of these lesbian manhaters than are giving good sweet girls who I like to be around a pretty bad name....

Since it the internet is so awash in misogyny and woman-bashing that it's like we're living in the dark ages, this week all sentences will be medieval torture techniques. Fun and educational!

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Use of the oh-so handy "slut" label.
The Evidence: "George Clooney's Girlfriend Is A Slut: One day this chick doesn't mind getting dry humped on camera, the next she's a demure flower on the red carpet. Why the sudden change? Was it true love's first kiss? Did George Clooney fill her empty heart? 'Oh, and he's really rich and famous,' Sarah Larson added. 'Don't forget rich.'" So yeah. What does it matter that Sarah Larson's been photographed Last Nights Party-style? So have lots of girls. Also, calling someone you don't know a slut on the internet is immature, stupid and makes you look like and idiot. Cut it out. Also? Women are complex. Deal with it.
The Sentence: The Judas Cradle.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Getting on Miss England's case; calling her fat.
The Evidence: "She says, 'It's what I was born to do - posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body. People seem desperate to get me to say that I don't, that deep down I'm not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn't change myself at all. Do I have fat days? Of course, but what woman doesn't!' I think the difference being Chloes fat days are more commonly known as, 'Monday-Sunday.'" Miss England, Chloe Marshall, is a lot of things: Brave, confident, 5 foot 10 and recently signed to a modeling agency. She is not, however, fat.
The Sentence: Foot roasting.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Calling a supermodel a man.
The Evidence: "I know I rip on Gisele Bundchen a lot, but even I've got to admit she's looking pretty hot here at the launch of the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in that tight dress of hers. And that's hard for me to admit considering I'm not into dudes." Please, that woman does not look like a man. And this isn't even "