• The lawsuit also reveals that the players were asked not to wear bras or underwear, in order to better promote "accidental nudity." • NBC's program "The Sing Off" has slowly become almost all-male, according to Neil Genzlinger for the New York Times. Last night the two all-women groups were on the chopping block, which lead Genzlinger to wonder: "Are men just better at this kind of singing than women? Or, put a different way, is the male vocal range more conducive to a cappella harmonies than the female range?" •  Sonika Kaliraman, 26, was raised on wrestling. Her father, Chandgi Ram, was India's wrestling champion, and now Sonika is living out his dream. She won gold at the Asian Women Wrestling Championship in 2000, but only really became famous when she appeared on the Indian version of Celebrity Fear Factor. She's since learned the importance of "presentation" - i.e. looking pretty. •  A woman from central Israel only narrowly escaped death after swallowing a driedle. Paramedics found the 30-year-old woman on the bed and in critical condition. They have removed the plastic driedle, and she is now in recovery. •  Lawmakers in Spain voted today to relax abortion laws. If the bill is passed in the Senate, women will be allowed to obtain abortions up until 14 weeks. Currently, women are only allowed to obtain an abortion up to week 12 - but only if the pregnancy is the result of rape. • Mehmet Goren has been sentenced to at least 22 years in prison for the honor killing of his 15-year-old daughter. Goren is originally from south-eastern Turkey. He reportedly murdered Tulay Goren on January 7th, 1999, because she had fell and in love and ran away with a Sunni Muslim, while Goren's family was Alevis. Police believe he buried Tulay in their backyard, but her remains have yet to be recovered. • Sad news: Elizabeth Poblete's baby has passed way. Nine days after the Chilean Olympic weightlifter gave birth while training - without even knowing that she was pregnant - her infant son died in a hospital in Sao Paulo. • 455 women in Uganda were interviewed before and after their partners were circumcised, and less than 3% said sex was less satisfying after the operation. Circumcision reduces the spread of HIV, but some people believe that it makes sex less enjoyable for women. Researchers hope their findings can help fight the rumor. • A Florida woman was charged with domestic battery after coming home from a bar and pouring beer on her sleeping boyfriend. She was mad that he's thinking about moving out of state, but now that plan sounds pretty smart. • For Esquire's "What I've Learned" column, Miss America Katie Stam offers words of wisdom like, "When you have to burp, you burp. And then you say, 'Excuse me' very politely." • Despite our best efforts, Sarah Palin continues to get more and more popular. According to a Gallup poll released today, Palin's favorability rating has risen 4 points since October, which puts her at 44%, within 9 points of President Obama. •

• Nicole Kidman to British GQ: "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff…"

"…I've explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy." She glosses right over that sexual fetish stuff and talks about marriage: "You work on it," she says. "It's a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you're very much out at sea. You're exposed. You could drown. When you commit to someone like that, you live and die together by that decision." Oh! And: "I became famous very young. I became very famous because I was the wife of somebody. I did a lot of good, worthwhile work in Australia between the ages of 14 and 19 and then I married someone famous. And really, despite the huge profile that brought to me, I was still finding my feet. I know my agents at the time were like 'Do not get married! It will ruin your career!' and I was like 'But I'm in love.' All I know is that I wasn't someone interested in fame. And that's not why I got married. I wanted to work with people who intrigued me." [Daily Mail via GQ]

• Nicole Kidman may have crazy info about her 10-year marriage to Tom Cruise, but she's not talking: "I have never discussed the intricacies of it and I never will," she says. "I am not writing a book. I will go to my grave with all my secrets, all my stories." [Telegraph]
• Brad Pitt says his motorcycle crash was "a little mishap." He explains: "No injuries, except my ego. I was trying to get away from some paparazzi and instead gave them a good story. It was my favorite bike, so that is really sad." He's in Tokyo right now, and he says he will "definitely be looking at motorcycles" while there. [AP]
• Ladies and gentlemen, your Oscar hosts are Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. What say you of these choices? I like Baldwin, though I can't recall the last time I saw him — or Martin, for that matter — in a movie. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Alec Baldwin on hosting the Oscars: "I got lucky. Today's my lucky day." [NY Mag]
• Speaking of Alec Baldwin, that Lil' Wayne cake his daughter had for her birthday was not his idea. [NY Mag]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have requested to do press separately for New Moon. An insider says: "They want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more. They requested to do things apart so the scrutiny around them will be a little less intense." OK, which has already claimed ENGAGED!, WEDDING and SPLIT! will have to find a new angle. [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Martin's publicist says the married Coldplay frontman did not, repeat, NOT make out with Kate Bosworth, though a tabloid recently reported otherwise. [UPI]
• Nicolas Cage is suing his former money manager for $20 million but sources say Nic is a compulsive spender who bought houses, motorcycles, a jet, yachts, vintage and new cars, expensive watches, meteorites, dinosaur skulls, an enormous pet collection, massive amounts of jewelry for the women in his life, group vacations for his entire entourage, and on and on and on. "He lived like a sheik," an insider says. "Spent money like it was water." Click here for a gallery of his pricey assets. [The Daily Beast]
• Roman Polanski has re-appealed to the Swiss courts to be released from prison on bail. [NY Post]
• Why was Sean Penn's 16-year-old son arrested at school last week? Drugs. [Radar Online]
• Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman went to dinner on Halloween and there were people dressed up as Jon in the restaurant. Awkward! [Page Six]
• Did Jon Gosselin orchestrate Hailey Glassman's tearful confessions so they could get paid? [NY Daily News]
• Josh Duhamel says he did NOT cheat on Fergie and have a one night stand with a stripper from Atlanta. The stripper, Nicole Forrester, told an Atlanta radio station: "We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time." [People]
• The folks at Radar Online gave the stripper, Nicole Forrester, a polygraph test and she passed. An expert says "One of those questions was had she had sex with Josh Duhamel. And she answered yes." [Radar Online]
• Russell Brand is a changed man, thanks to Katy Perry. Or as this paper puts it, "The dinkle is dormant… except for his girlfriend." [The Sun]
• An insider says that Ashlee Simpson was kicked off of Melrose Place because "she was a total diva on set, late all the time, and deeply disliked by fellow cast members. t created a lot of discord among the cast." Oh, and "she could barely act. [Fox 411]
• Frances Bean Cobain caused a scene at an Amtrak counter. Dare we say like mother like daughter? [Page Six]
• So the reason a young boy could describe Michael Jackson's penis in the 1993 molestation case is not because he was molested but because MJ liked to pee in front of people? Makes sense, sorta, and yet: Do Not Want. [EW]
• David Hasselhoff has launched a new online series, Mitch Winehouse's Showbiz Rant. Yeah, Amy Winehouse's dad has a show. [Mirror]
• DJ AM's home in Beverly Hills is on the market, so if you'd like a four bedroom place with a lushly landscaped backyard with pool and spa — and you have $3,795,000 — act now. [Real Estalker]
• Bruce Springsteen is "quietly working" on his autobiography, which could be "the biggest rock music autobiography of all time." [NY Post]
• At the ACE awards, Lady Gaga left baby powder on Marc Jacobs' blazer. [NY Daily News]
• No one cares about Gossip Girl anymore. [NY Daily News]
• Kerry Washington is making her Broadway debut in David Mamet's play Race and says: "I had been missing theater for a long time, so I've been looking for the right play. To make a Broadway debut doing David Mamet and to originate a David Mamet role-this is the kind of shit you tell your kids about." [Village Voice]
• Kate Beckinsale's daughter will play the young version of Kate in a film; Kate says: "The producers harassed me for a long time saying 'can she audition?' and I said no because she would probably be on the set anyway, if she auditions and doesn't get it then she's going to feel horrible. Eventually she got wind of it and asked if she could and she got it fair and square." [Mirror]
• Mario Lopez and his dimples will host the Miss America pageant, which airs on TLC January 30. [AP]
• Sienna Miller is dating someone called DJ Slinky Wizard. [Page Six]
• The Glee cast can't walk in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade since it's an NBC production, so the parade is getting the next best thing: Jimmy Fallon and The Roots. Because that's who kids want to see. [MSNBC Scoop]
• At the link is one of the most distasteful things I have ever read. It's about Ryan Jenkins and a Halloween party. [TMZ]
• On the ABC soap One Life To Live, a gay character this week dumped his fiancé for another man mid-ceremony. [NY Post]
• The scene from Bruno in which LaToya Jackson is "interviewed" — and Bruno tries to get Michael Jackson's number out of her cell phone — will be included in the DVD release as an extra. [People]
• Q: What do you think when people throw the word "Oscar" around?
  A: "It makes me nervous. Because I don't know what an Oscar-winning film is. I don't know what an Oscar-winning actress is, other than the obvious examples — Halle Berry and Kate Winslet and all these people. I can't see it because it's too close to me. I haven't been in this business very long and I don't know what it looks like… If you interview me in two years and I have a couple of Oscars, I probably knocked someone out for [them]." — Precious star Gabby Sidibe. [LA Times]
• "I think we must all remember that the ultimate accessory is the condom." — Lady Gaga. [Page Six]
• "You can't read somebody's diary. You shouldn't read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You're only going to find out bad things." — Nicole Kidman. [Daily Mail via British GQ]
• "I can't keep always playing long-haired, scruffy men, otherwise my career would be limited. I was hoping one day to play Napoleon, but I can't play Napoleon as this shaggy-haired, bearded raconteur. But I did also want to play Rasputin, so that'll be good, I can look like this." — Russell Brand might cut his hair so he can get film roles. [The Star]
• "I do not believe in diets. I have been on diets in the past, and they are a bunch of bologna. This is a lifestyle change. It's not about being skinny. It's about getting in the best shape that you can be." — Tyra Banks. [Us Magazine]

My favorite part about how women were discovering how to pleasure themselves is this lady's face when she's shown a vibrating dildo.

The documentary also talks about the feminist protest of the 1969 Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City, a pivotal moment in the women's movement. Usually, for retrospectives on feminism, we hear a lot from scholarly talking heads who have not only studied and analyzed the movement, but were also part of it. But Sex in '69 featured a lesser-examined — but equally illuminating — viewpoint: that of a 1969 Miss America contestant. In this clip, Susan Anton, Miss California 1969, gives her take on how the protest affected her. Interestingly, 40 years later, she is grateful for women's liberation, and thinks we still have a long way to go.

Producers tried to breathe life into this wheezing, aging franchise by adding a mirrored stage (Nashawaty notes it "made the whole thing look like it was being broadcast live from the Champagne Room at Cheetah's") and a "Loser's Lounge," where eliminated contestants had to sit and watch the show. And yet, the Miss America contest seems like a bizarre relic, a holdover from another era. Nashawaty writes:

Let's be honest, if these young women (most of whom looked well beyond the 17 to 24 age limit thanks to their knack for applying make-up with a trowel) really had any discernible talent beyond spouting rehearsed platitudes about how they plan to improve the state of the world with a tiara on top of their Texas-sized hairdos, they would have already signed up for Top Chef, Project Runway, or American Idol instead of slumming it on this low-rent cavalcade.

In any case, the new Miss America, Miss Indiana, Katie Stam, won a $50,000 scholarship by walking in a black bikini and heels as well as an an off-the-shoulder, white lace evening gown, then singing "Via Dolorosa" and denouncing the use of performance-enhancing drugs among professional athletes. She will become the goodwill ambassador for the Children's Miracle Network as a mandatory part of her reigning duties. But. Why does earning scholarship money involve putting on a swimsuit? An EW reader posting under the name "contestant" says: "As for the swimsuit portion (which is only 15 percent of the score btw), the only reason it still exists is because no one would watch if it did not have it. Its not the pageant that is shallow, its the American public!" Ah, good to know. But didn't Miss America begin as a whites-only beauty pageant slash tourist attraction? (And how come 27 of the of the 51 winners have been blonde?)

The real question is: Is the Miss America pageant outdated? Commenter "wgrrrl" on EW's website says no:

It makes me sad that this program is considered outdated now. I get the gripes about the swimsuit portion, but since when did it become passe' to be well-rounded? To be smart, talented (yes, and fit/pretty maybe), well-informed on current events, and not only passionate about your platform, but to put your TIME into volunteering in that area?

But another reader, Elizabeth, wrote:

Setting back the women's movement? I am a junior in college and a competitor in the Miss A. system AND I'M MINORING IN WOMEN'S STUDIES!!! I fully promote female empowerment and am extremely liberal in my views. I compete in pageants (this semester is paid for because of them) and I am a feminist!

Is the Miss America pageant feminist? Is tottering around in heels in order to get cash empowering?

Miss America: Does Anyone Care? [EW]
Work Of Being Miss America Lured Winner To Crown [AP]
Miss America [Wikipedia]

[Las Vegas, January 24. Image via Getty.]

LAS VEGAS - JANUARY 24: Katie R. Stam, Miss Indiana, touches her crown after being named Miss America during the 2009 Miss America Pageant at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino January 24, 2009 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

(Click on any image to begin gallery and read captions)

Miss 'Beefy' America: How Athletic American Beauties Have Turned Pageant Into A Battle Of The Biceps [Daily Mail]

• Versace model Liskula Cohen is suing Google after a blogger called her a "skank" and "old hag." Cohen hopes the defamation suit will unmask the mudslinger. [New York Daily News]

• Kanye West might be releasing a Louis Vuitton sneaker. We wish he'd stop being so lamely mysterious. [The Life Files]
• Monique Lhuillier and Naeem Khan are the latest designers to jump on the non-runway-show Fashion Week bandwagon. Cause who wants to be the insensitive designer throwing a show in these times? We all know an uber-select show in a small room is the way to fix the economy! [WSJ]
• First Lady Carla Bruni, at least, will be at Paris Fashion Week. [WWD]
• So, if you beat Stuart Weitzman in ping pong (which you won't, because he does "finger aerobics" and keeps his custom paddle in a silver case) you win a bunch of his shoes. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Talk about rags to riches! Model Daniela Cott, "who stands 5ft 10ins tall and has emerald green eyes, was spotted two years ago as she sifted through rubbish on the streets of Buenos Aires." Yes, she was fashionably gaunt! [Telegraph]
• Miss Vermont, Ashley Ruth Wheeler, will be wearing a green gown to the Miss America Pageant. The earth-friendly eco-frock will be made from hemp, organic cotton and silk, and lace and beads made from organic materials. No word yet on the swimsuit. [UPI]
• A new bra, designed for older and disabled women, has replaced tricky hooks with magnets. A boon for their suitors, too! [Science Daily]
• Diddy is king of his castle: "I need some advance notice because when I'm at home I'm really likely just to hang totally loose. I really like to just walk around in my underwear...I get a little embarrassed when people drop by; I'm not really prepared."[VogueUK]
• Stephanie Seymour for Valentino - part of the much ballyhooed 'year of the classic supermodel' —looks pretty amazing. [Fashion Week Daily]
• At least they can't be accused of false advertising: a new counterfeit shopping mall in China sells only knock-offs. [Mirror]
• This grotesque Roberto Cavalli snakeskin-print MasterCard was "created for those who thrive upon excellence, elegance and quality." [The Life Files]
• Los Angeles' 7 Showroom was robbed of $300,000 worth of merchandise on New Year’s Day. [WWD]
• Toni Chorley, a promising young model dubbed "the new Twiggy" when she came on the scene, has died of Hodgkin's Lymphoma at just 23. [Daily Mail]
• In a welcome piece of good retail news, fast fashion chain New Look reports that their numbers are up. [FT]
• Skechers launches (presumably fug) clothing line for kids. Sorry, that was uncalled-for. [WWD]
• Alfred Shaheen, credited as the inventor of the Hawaiian shirt that swept the mid-century nation, has passed away at 86. Aloha! [Reason]
• Now they say the first American TopShop is opening in March. Whatever. Fool us twice...[New York]
• Peaches Geldof has chopped her hair. It must be said: looks good. [ElleUK]

As the series' official site explains, the show follows 52 state "title holders" as they compete for 15 slots in the actual January 24 pageant.

With 52 women to get to know — and one hour in which to do it in — the premiere didn't give us a particularly strong impression of any of the contestants. (We think we remember liking the spunky Miss Missouri.) But then... there was Gretchen Carlson. The former Miss America winner and current co-host of Jezebel hating Fox & Friends turned up as a special "consultant" and was given the task of posing questions about hot-button social issues — sex education, same sex couples and adoption — in order to get the contestants to "debate". (Culture wars? What culture wars?) In the clip above, Carlson the Republiblonde is introduced to the ladies by the show's host, and then gets down to the business of separating the real Americans from the arugula-eating elitists. (If nothing else, we now know that Miss America is probably going to be a Republican.) Below, stills of the ladies' reactions to Carlson's initial appearance on the scene.

"The chick from Fox News???" (The pursed lips give it away)



Check out the girl in the middle:



Here's a two-fer:



Color this one unenthused:



It just gets better:



A classic Bish Plz:



Love. Her.



Even Carlson's co-consultants look on with suspicion.









In her defense, during the round of table interviews with the "pink" team, Carlson gives as good as she gets (to those from blue states, mostly):





Fun fact: Did you know that Michele "Batshit" Bachmann used to babysit Gretchen?




By the way, this is Miss Iowa, self-professed Gretchen Carlson fan, checking out the competition at the pink table. Keep an eye on her.

Earlier: Fox & Friends Insists That Palin Haters Are All New York City Women
Jezebel "Bugs" Fox & Friends Host Steve Doocy

Hanisch was in a small group called New York Radical Women, and they got the idea to target the Miss America pageant after a group meeting discussion about beauty standards. "It was kind of a gutsy thing to do," she says. "Miss America was this 'American pie' icon. Who would dare criticize this?" Hanisch and her group handed out fliers, crowned a live sheep to compare the pageant to a livestock competition at a county fair, and snuck into the event hall with a sheet that read "Women's Liberation." "I think we got in at least half a dozen shouts of 'women's liberation' and 'No more Miss America!'" before the cops hustled them out, says Kathie Sarachild, another member of New York Radical Women. Newspapers around the country picked up on these "bra-burning women's libbers." A myth was born.

These days, Carol Hanisch seems ready for another stunt: "Young women have come through the doors that our generation opened, but I don't think they're grasping their situation any more than we did before we began to grasp ours," she says. "We could certainly use another protest. If I could think of one, I would be doing it. I hope somebody does."

Pageant Protest Sparked Bra-Burning Myth [NPR]

The Good:
Nom nom Boris Kodjoe.
I have always loved Cady Hoffman for being unabashed and proud of being a tall woman with breasts.
While I don't approve of Eartha Kitt's fur, well — she's Eartha Kitt.
Sorry, James Litpon always puts a smile on my face. Sick, I know.
Snaps to Miss America Kirsten Haglund for not wearing something tulle, beaded, or corseted.

The Bad:
April Woodward's dress is a little costumey: Girly Dracula, perhaps?
That's, um, a lot of velvet, Brenda Baxton.
Does Kelly Bensimon's dress not have a touch of clearance-rack-at-Dress-Barn to it? Did she learn nothing in her years married to ELLE's Gilles Bensimon?
The shape of Lynn Whitfield's dress is solid, but it still looks like she pinched it from the wardrobe room from a revival of Follies.

The Ugly:
Please don't wear animals, Pauletta (wife of Denzel) Washington.
Tonya Pinkins' dress is not helping my vertigo.

[Images via Getty.]

Yet Another Life For Maggie The Cat [NY Times]

Earlier: God Save The Beauty Queen: Live Blogging Miss America 2008

8:03 I watched about 3 minutes of that Miss America Reality Check show, but it was about as confusing to me as why children in American classrooms don't have maps so I gave up on it. I'm going into this thing completely unbiased.

8:04 UGH! Miss One of the Dakotas and that accent!

8:07 So I guess that they're wearing jeans as part of modern make over the pageant was given. DO NOT WANT. To quote Robin Browne, "I like the trash and flash." Gimme gimme more sequins, please

8:08: Miss Wisconsin: "The state where cheese is not only a diary product, it is also a fashion accessory." It also works its way into on-stage introductions, evidently.

8:11 Ooh! I like this sort of walk/dance thing they're doing. Is there going to be a big choreographed number? I hope! Please! Also, I'd appreciate it if someone fell or something.

8:12 Oh shit! Mark Steines is married to a former Miss America? How fitting, considering he's pretty much the human equivalent of Guy Smiley.

8:14 OK, now that it's a commercial, let's have a little history lesson. I know I mentioned bra burning before, but no one at the infamous 1968 Miss America protest in Atlantic City burned their bras. It was actually a rumor spread by a Ms. editor. Some of the women did take off their bras and throw them out though. Liberation starts with your boobs.

8:17 Ha! Justin Timberlake's friend and sometime personal assistant is who they got to judge this thing?

8:22 I am so sick of girls in pageants (or reality show competitions) talking about how Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are bad role models, and how they think girls need to have a good role model to look up to. Did anyone ever think that Paris and LiLo were good role models? And if they did, then they sure as hell won't want to look up to the likes of any of the Miss America contestants, seeing as how those women not only wear underpants, but also glue it to their ass cheeks so they don't get wedgies.

8:26 So apparently the general public was able to vote one of the semi-finalists in, which turns out to be Miss Utah. You know that if she wins, I'm going to have to refer to her as Miss American Idol.

8:28 OK, so let's get a "fierce" count started. That's 1 so far. Oh, well I like that he just gave them some carbs. That's kind of cute. I'm hungry.

8:30 God damn it, is anyone else not liking this whole "let's wear jeans" thing? If I don't see sequins and lace and Swarovski crystals soon, I'll be really pissed the fuck off.

8:31 I'm bored. I am going to get stoned. Right. Now.

8:33 The swimsuit competition is meant to emphasize the importance of fitness and health? I thought it was supposed to emphasize the importance of tits and ass.

8:35 I thought they did away with wearing high heels during the swimsuit competition a few years ago. Am I wrong? I mean, it's totally fitting, considering they're in Vegas. Heels and a bikini totally seem like Vegas style. Being barefoot is totally an Atlantic City thing.

8:38 Miss South Carolina has a bangin' bod. How many of these girls do you think have implants? I would say at least half of the 16 semi-finalists. I really, really don't like this Top Model rip off runway walk thing.

8:41 Ooh, Miss Florida just gave a lil' something extra there. It was like she rubber necked with her whole body.

8:42 Miss Utah is in a one piece? What does she have to hide?! OMG, that little dance at the end was kinda awesome.

8:43 I've never watched What Not to Wear, but I like that this guy just dissed the whole audience for having bad style. It's funny 'cause it's true.

8:51 What the shit is this fuck? I hate these boring black dresses!

8:52 Oh, I'm sad to see Miss Utah go. I liked that little push-up stunt.

8:55 I prefer the dresses in the old footage they're showing like 50 million times better.

8:57 OMG, Paige Page is back on Trading Spaces? I'm gonna watch.

9:01 In other news, my friend Rich left this lighter at my house. I love it. I'm using it right now. You can't tell from that photo, but she has crispy hair.

9:03: Yay! Shiny dresses!!!!

9:04 Miss Michigan's dress looks like a cross between an ice skater and a stripper. It's perfect.

9:07 As Mando323 noted, this is not campy enough. For real.

9:13 This chick singing "Over the Rainbow" sucks.

9:15 Hahahahahahahaahaha. I like this opera girl.

9:22 I really like that there was a baton twirler. That was Suzanne Sugarbaker's talent.

9:37 They're eliminating the girls in a really weird way. Also, I'm sick of singers for talent. I want a magician or something.

9:29 I never knew there was such a thing as "jazz on point." It kinda reminds me of that movie Centerstage when they try to make ballet cool and dance to a Jamiroquai song. God, I love that movie. There was only one gay guy in the whole ballet school!

9:38 Nice little Planet Hollywood commercial the girls just did there.

9:43 What the eff is this new format where girls have to jump at the question in order to answer it? That makes it a little exciting. Maybe.

9:44 Miss Virginia just choked on that question about celebrities and religion.

9:45 Hahahaha. "This is the Paris Hilton question." I love that she is like a category of questions.

9:46 And Lindsay Lohan!!!!! Ha!

9:37 And a Jamie Lynn Spears question. Christ almighty!

9:56 I don't like that the finalists aren't wearing their state sashes because I can't remember who's who.

9:58 Miss Michigan, the girl with the perfect dress won. Pinning on her crown is taking way too long.

10:00 So that's it. No one fell. No one answered a question dreadfully incompetently. No one's boobs popped out. Boring.

• Tuesday marked the 35th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We told our stories and asked for yours.
  
• Heath Ledger died. We were all distraught about it and may have re-watched Ten Things I Hate About You and sobbed.
  
• Barbara Ehrenreich's comparison of the economy to a giant clit made us feel vaguely better.
  
• Also amusing: the myriad "talents" of Miss America contestants.
  
• Slut Machine doled out sage advice in the first video edition of Pot Psychology. Don't do drugs, kids!
  
• But do watch some barely legal Brazilian boys dance in their skivvies, get your old-ass hands pumped full of collagen and gnaw on some baby animals. It's been a doozy of a week, you're worth it!

Times have changed! And while we have all kinds of televised competitions — Survivor, ANTM, uh, American Gladiators — we're still attached to the idea of pitting our states against one another and declaring which has produced the prettiest, most talented young woman. And the categories! The swimsuit competition pays homage to the contest's origins, but is it really necessary to force these women to strut around half-naked? What does the "evening gown" competition prove? And "talents" like dancing and singing are great, but wouldn't it be amazing if someone entered a photo essay as their "talent"? Or translated a passage of Ancient Greek? Or, you know, installed a wireless router? I would be so proud of Miss New York if she could name the nine muses or figure out how to get from the Upper West Side to the Lower East Side in under twenty minutes. Aren't there other awesome, modern talents these girls would be better off exhibiting?

Miss America Pageant Mocks Contestants [CNN]
Earlier: Miss America Contestants Continue To Shock & Awe Us With Their "Talents"
Miss America Contestants Stun Us With Their "Talents"
Miss DC Laments Being Too "Pale" For Chocolate City

(Click on any image to begin viewing gallery)

Earlier: Miss America Contestants Stun Us With Their Talents

[Las Vegas, Nevada; January 24. Images via Splash.]

(Click on any image to begin viewing gallery)

[Las Vegas, January 23. Images via Splash]

• Every few minutes, Lauren Nelson pops up to spout off random trivia that you can find on Snapple bottle caps, like "Did you know there are twice as many kangaroos in Australia than people?"
• Literacy advocate Nelson keeps kids from reading by doing it for them: She reads their emails out loud.
• She can be programmed by parents to remind kids to do chores and homework.
• Of the bajillions of sites on the internet, the browser only permits children to view 10,318 of them, all pre-approved by the Miss America Organization. We have a feeling we didn't make the cut. (We'll be checking it out tomorrow.)
• If kids try to access a site that's not on the list, Miss America tells them to go ask Mom or Dad first.
• A feature enables parents to lock the computer and block the use of any other browser.
• As soon as the browser is opened, "Here she is, Miss America" starts playing.
• Every once in while, Miss America reminds kids to not forget to email their parents, just to be nice.

Miss America Launches Own Browser [MSNBC]

Anyway, we found it sad — if not surprising — that focusing on talent and service and "scholarship" just won't cut it in an "Age of Love" society, so we actually found a Jezebel correspondent to tune into the pageant on Friday while we were drinking, just to show our support for this dying breed of classy gals who manage to combine beauty AND really nebulous "talents." Her dispatches:

OMG they just had a "costume" competition, and there was:

1. A stalk of corn

2. A grizzly bear

3. Seven million pretty offensive interpretations of slutty native Americans

and so so much more.

swear to God that competitions include:

1. Fastest diaper changing.

2. Taking your makeup off.

3. Taking a tequila shot.

Sweet jesus.

Winners Cite Broken Promises In Pageants [NY Times]