Look, I get it. The stereotype of mothers is that they are sexless, uninteresting parentbots with floppy vaginas, saggy breasts, big asses and no interest in sex. And so when a woman just happens to be attractive and, God forbid, sexual and interested in sex after giving birth to a child — let alone raising one to adulthood, as was the original meaning of the term "MILF," now lost in the plethora of MILF-porn featuring women younger than this writer — it's a cause for men's peens to stand at attention and that, of course, is the goal of women everywhere. Gag. At least "cougar" has the benefit of imbuing the older woman in question with some agency — because a MILF is, of course, an object for men's lust, while a cougar is pursuing the younger objects of her own.

So, look, it's been nearly a decade since Stifler's mom boned the nerdy virgin and brought the term to the mainstream, and I understand that this was probably a seminal (heh) movie for a lot of dudes (and some women) now in their twenties. But it's a stupid acronym that sounds stupid and adding "ILF" to everything under the sun is becoming more annoying than the media's love of adding "-gate" to the end of every political scandal. Just call it a day, dudes who use "MILF." No one needs to know who you'd like to fuck given the chance that you'll never have!. There's just no need to keep pointing out the attractive women who won't fuck you.

Hasn't "MILF" Jumped The Shark Yet? [Feministing]

The article suggests that the reason there aren't more female gamers is twofold: Men are uncommunicative jerks while playing video games, and women are intimidated by complex, violent games like Halo and operating a machine with so many confusing buttons. Specifically, the women on the panel explained that when guys are so immersed in a game that they throw the controllers, curse at the screen, and ignore company, women can feel put off, and, according to Xbox Live community manager and panel member Christa Phillips,"the game becomes the enemy, like sports." The panel's recommendation? Let women participate in the game by playing in two player mode. And if that's too "intimidating," women can always sit with their boyfriends and watch them play. "Ask her to help you spot snipers," said Phillips. "Chicks like flattery. If she feels like she’s helping, then you’re making it a positive experience." Ugh.

Another recommendation: men shouldn't impose their favorite video games on their girlfriends, since women may be turned off by all the violence and explosions. (One man in attendance at the panel mentioned that his girlfriend played Halo for five minutes and got dizzy.) The best way to make games appealing to women, they claim, is to play those recognizable characters like Harry Potter and Spiderman. Pink, apparently, doesn't hurt either: the article's author, Kristin Kalning, points out that "Heck, Carrie Underwood has a pink [Nintendo] DS, right? And the Wii made being a gamer as easy as operating a TV remote."

Still: Thirty-eight percent of American video game players are women. That number probably could be higher if the industry weren't so sexist. Maybe developers (and frustrated boyfriends) should check out WomenGamers.com to get a clue: The site reviews games of all genres, features articles from women who work in the gaming industry, and scholarships and resources for women pursuing careers in video game design. A note to ladies: The site doesn't have a girly, pink color scheme, so it may be a little, well, confusing at first, but if you can handle an intelligent female perspective on the gaming industry, it may make you want to pick up a controller and start blowing shit up.

How To Get Your Girlfriend Into Gaming [MSNBC]
Related: WomenGamers.com

Carr's book documents some of the lows of his behavior, but those who read early versions thought it best to leave much of that out.

So unlovely was his behavior that readers of early drafts of his book recommended he skip certain stories — they tapped the narrative off its orbit, rendering him less good guy than brute. "People said, 'There’s enough sort of misogyny and objectification without this kind of fratty stuff,' " he said. "It made me seem like a thug and a player, and that was one tick of grossness too many."

The question is — grossness too many for what? For readers to feel he's worth redeeming? To finish reading his book? For him to be liked? He doesn't really explain.

The thing is, he wasn't a good guy then, period. He did bad things, many of them to women, many of them while extremely high (not that it excuses his behavior). That he's turned his life around and (seemingly) makes every effort to treat his wife and daughters — and, one hopes, female relatives, colleagues, acquaintances and basically all of womankind — with respect is good, and important. Have his core values about women and how they ought to be treated changed? Were they, as he implies, a product of his addiction, or did they come from somewhere deeper?

Obviously, Carr's not shy about laying bare the fact that there was more to tell. And it's progress, in some way, that his editors and publishers felt that the totality of his abuse of women would, in fact, serve to make him a wholly unsympathetic figure to readers — better than the Tucker Max school of editorial non-discretion, certainly. But can he get — and can readers offer — the kind of redemption and absolution that he's seemingly seeking when they know that his "whole" subjective truth is edited to leave out that which others have decided make him irredeemable?

Me And My Girls [NY Times]
What Do Crack Cocaine and Journalism Have in Common? [NY Magazine]

[On a frivolous note, it should be said that these books do have great clothes: lots of polyester pants suits, neck-tie blouses, the occasional shawl and dresses that hint at "soft feminine curves." If approached by New York Magazine's "Look Book" or even the Time Out's "Public Eye," — hasn't happened — I always planned to characterize my look as "Harlequin heroine circa 1981, pre-makeover" (since I still have the undesirable specs, curly hair of a woman denying her femininity.)]

I recently came across the most appalling specimen of this genre I've ever encountered: 1980's Promise at Midnight by one Lilian Peake, which might be called the ur-HarRo. Shona Carroll is a sad-sack pianist engaged to a flautist named Calvin, who's always insulting her. 'Average, Calvin had called her, not good enough to carry her far in the world of music. Certainly not to the heights to which he aspired. And she agreed with him uncomplainingly.' She joins him on a cruise as his accompanist, ('she knew it was praise because he didn't curse her') where she is promptly thrown against The Hero, Marsh Faraday, by the ship's tossing.

Marsh Faraday, naturally, has a granite-like profile with 'etched lines betraying a worldly cynicism' and seems to have no expressions other than "mocking smiles", "taunting looks," "faintly derisive" eyes, "cynical amusement," and, just to shake it up, the occasional "unsmiling gaze." Due to turbulence on the high seas, Shona gets thrown against his steely thighs every couple of pages. "If he thinks, she told herself, he can reduce me to simpering adulation of his male physique and magnetic good looks by assessing me as if I were being auditioned for his harem then he's mistaken."

Long story short: fiance takes up with a blonde and declares they need to keep their engagement secret; Shona agrees; Marsh Faraday suggests they have a pretend affair for unclear reasons; sexy abuse ensues.

His mouth hit hers with a force which ground her lips against her teeth." She breaks away but, "as her muscles had tensed, so his hold had tightened. Now, in his anger at her body's repulsion of him, his arms became like cruel bonds. 'After that supreme bit of 'I'm your for the taking' act, you have the cheek to imply, with all the female 'no-go' signs you can muster, that you want me to get the hell out of here?' In his anger his nails were making piercing dents in her flesh." She says she's engaged. "'The devil you are!' He threw her from him and she staggered. 'Not judging by the way you pressed yourself against me when I caught you, the way you kissed me back when I kissed you. You felt like a woman who's been wandering in the desert for months, devoid of all male contact - and do I mean contact!

"That's not true,' she flung back, knowing he was right but knowing, too, that nothing would make her admit it. 'It-it was a reflex action, pure and simple. I-I hated it, really. I hate the - the very taste of your lips.' With the back of her hand, she wiped her mouth. The ship pitched again and again she was thrown off balance. This time he let her fall. She went backwards against the bed, hitting her head against the telephone and radio as she went down."

Wait, you're not entertained? Aroused? Huh. And we haven't even gotten to the part where he throttles her. Or spanks her in public. And by the way, I'm also leaving out, like, twenty pages of insults from both men, indulgent 'my-son-is-such-a-scamp' talk from his mother, a speech about how "when the prey is juicy and desirable and casts scent trails behind it, then it can't complain if the predator springs and captures it and proceeds to tear it apart" and a couple more fake engagements.

And then, of course, he explains how it was all for her own good because he loves her.

"I know what you deserve,' he said, and his hand reached out to close her lips which were opened on a gasp of protest. 'Marriage to me, and that's what you're going to get.'
'Are you proposing?' she asked, her body trembling now for a different reason.
'Not proposing - informing, demanding, stating. And you're agreeing. Right?'
Her brown eyes melted as they gazed into his. 'You're dictatorial and you're overbearing and you're a tyrant, Marsh Faraday, but -' she curled into him, 'I love you so much and I've loved you from the moment-'" He mashes her mouth.

For all our sakes, let's hope our mothers weren't reading these while we were in utero, as they remain one of the most disturbingly perverse phenomena I've ever encountered, a slap in the face to any women's rights gains that were concurrently taking place. (I'm guessing that my own mother, a member of the short-lived "Women's Bank of New York" at the time, was probably not receptive.) Oh, and if you see any, send 'em my way - lest we forget and all that. And, um, I need the fashion inspiration.

Promise At Midnight [Amazon]

The Accused: WWTDD
The Crime: Sexism, misogyny, ageism.
The Evidence: (Referring to SATC)

"In this case, a movie where the hottest guys in New York are lining up to bang some weathered old hags. Rawr, Samantha, you sex kitten you! It’s easy to see why hot young models (this guy, to be specific) are lining up for one night in that dusty old snatch of yours. You’re soooo sexy. I know it's a sin to day dream about sweaty deviant sex with Samantha, but God should have thought have that before he made her so hot."

Frankly, writing "dusty old snatch" is basically a hate crime. And the hate comes from fear. Why are men so fearful of older women? I could launch into a diatribe about the role of the crone in Western history — how powerful medicine women with the knowledge of herbs and cures were turned into "hags" and "witches" by the Christian patriarchy, but I'll refrain. This person probably just hates his mother.
The Sentence: Burning at the stake, of course.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Lookism.
The Evidence:

"Brooke's fugly ass was driving in the center lane of Bayside Bridge when the car in front of her lost control while trying to switch lanes. The car hit Brooke's car and pushed her into a concrete wall. The cops say the accident was not Brooke's fault. I still blame Brooke. The driver in front of her probably caught a glimpse of her fugly fug ass in his rear view mirror and this caused him to lose control."

Calling someone fugly just isn't humorous. Sue me. Your face is the result of a genetic lottery you have no part in; women are mocked if they get plastic surgery and derided if they don't, shamed if they don't fit into some abstract beauty standard, if they're not symmetrical and "feminine" enough. Humans are supposedly evolved creatures. Why do we treat each other this way? (A reader writes: "Car crashes are not funny. Calling Brooke Hogan a man is not funny. Blerg.")
The Sentence: Incredibly serious and painful whiplash.

The Accused: TMZ
First Crime: Name-calling, derogatory sexism.
The Evidence:

"Hills" Babes Skank Their Way To The Top. So on TMZ TV tonight, we're getting to the bottom of the skankiest question in Hollywood — Which "Hills" chick is the biggest tramp? Lauren Conrad was the original Queen Bee, until Heidi raised her game with a couple of "enhancements." But Audrina blew them both out of the water with those nude pics."

And there is a poll. Look, no one is saying that the girls of The Hills are bastions of morality. But "who's the biggest tramp" contest? Really? Juvenile. Sexist. Not funny.
Additional Crime: Lookism.
Reader-Submitted Evidence: "Celebrity But-Her-Face: Some celebs are good from far, but far from good. Check out which stars have everything goin' on ... but their face." It's a slide show of people with "hot bodies" but supposedly not hot faces. And there are men included! That doesn't make it right, however.
The Sentence: An "accident" in which this person is burned in the face with acid.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Lookism, gay-mocking.
Evidence, via a Reader: "Every time Perez Hilton mentions Lindsay Lohan's rumored girlfriend, he calls her saMANtha Ronson. For someone who proclaims to love lesbians, making fun of one because of her homo-flavored gender presentation is a little fucked up, don't you think? Dude isn't trying to look like a lady! Get over it!" Well said.
The Sentence: Temporary blindness. Oh, wait. Longer than that.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: More misogyny!
The Evidence:"

Women are catty and ugly women are catty and insecure, so of course this chick was gonna try to steal Shania's husband. She did it just so she could say, "You see, I can't be that ugly. I stole Shania Twain's husband." When in reality, she looks like Pumba. And Mutt Lange looks like he's been embalmed. In fact, I heard that the reason there are no pictures of these two together is because whenever they try to take one God kills an orphan."

Do you even understand what is going on here? People try to be edgy or snarky and push the limits, and it just comes off as hate speech. If women ARE catty OR insecure surely it is because we're living in a shitty world where we are judged by our looks and people are paid to write this crap.
The Sentence: 90 days (unpaid) working in an all-girls orphanage, teaching tolerance and kindness.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com
The Crime: Should be obvious.
Verdict: SarahJessicaParkerHasMoreMoneyThanYouEverWillSoJustRelax.com
Case dismissed.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Multiple counts, mostly sexism, misogyny and stupidity.
The Evidence:

"'Lindsay Lohan Is gay' Says Dad: Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes."

I would respond to this but I am busy burying my face in my hands and weeping for the future of this planet. BRB.
The Sentence: This one is a real doozy. Suggestions, please.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

Some of us, of course, are little sick of talking about sexism vis a vis Hillary, because we already try to read everything we can find on the subject. When Anna asked me to synthesize today's Los Angeles Times and Washington Post post-mortems on the topic, I sort of rolled my eyes, until she pointed out that while we try to be constantly on the lookout for it, misogyny isn't something that comes up in every day conversation for most Americans.

Jonathan Chait writing in the L.A. Times mentions the oft-discussed feminist generational divide, in which second wave stalwarts like Gloria Steinem claim that "some women, perhaps especially younger ones, hope to deny or escape the sexual caste system." While I hate it that the feminist narrative in this campaign has been shaped in part by Steinem's infamous New York Times op-ed (i.e., the idea that women of my generation aren't voting for Hillary because we don't believe sexism exists), I think her statements and the impassioned articles written by other second wavers have brought gender discrimination back to the forefront.

It's too soon to tell if Hillary's candidacy will have long lasting implications on American women, or more specifically women in women in politics. As Ruth Marcus says in today's Washington Post, "If you care about seeing a woman elected president, one of the biggest disappointments of this campaign is the paucity of credible women waiting in the wings, in either party." Marcus also says that Hillary has been "ironically, refreshingly post-feminist" in her rhetoric. "Post-feminist" implies that there is one feminism and that by occasionally referring to herself as a "girl," Hillary has somehow transcended or subverted it. Hopefully what Hillary's campaign has done is remind everyone that feminism is in the here and now, and that its definition is always up for debate.

Hillary Clinton Hits 'Sexism' In Media Coverage — Says Gender Bigger Drawback Than Race [Editor & Publisher]
The Ground Clinton Broke [Washington Post]
It's Not Personal [Los Angeles Times]
My Lady Parts Do Not Ache for Hillary Clinton [Village Voice]

Earlier: How Much Did Misogyny Cripple Hillary's Historic Campaign?

Although I think the jury is still out as to how much sexism (or "misogny" or "gender discrimination" — whatever you want to call it) contributed to the probable-failure of Clinton's campaign, Keller's suggestion that Barack Obama loudly and publicly condemn the sexist attacks against his opponent was notable in that she made no room for the possibility that Senator Clinton should do the same.

Devil In A Pantsuit Or The Demonization Of Hillary Clinton [Chicago Tribune]
As Clinton's Hopes Dim, Gender Issue Lives On [NY Times]
The Hillary Lesson [NY Times]
Who Will Be Hillary Clinton's Successor? [NY Times]
Clinton's Female Fans Wonder What If — And When [AP]
Powerful Video Of The Ugly Sexist Vilification Of Hillary Clinton [Huffington Post]

They got on O'Reilly last night to say that they're so mad at the Democratic Party over sexism directed at Hillary that they're going to vote Republican in the fall "if it comes to that." Guess they really aren't mythological creatures.Ruccia and the other members of Clinton Supporters Count Too have decided that not only will they vote against the Democratic nominee if it isn't Hillary, they will actively campaign against Obama because, as far as they are concerned, the race is by no means over yet. In a press release yesterday, they stated

We have a plan to campaign against the Democratic nominee. We have the (wo)manpower and the money to make our threat real. And there are millions of supporters who will back us up in the swing states. If you don't listen to our voice now, you will hear from us later.

We're asking you to add a 15-word or less phrase to a gender speech that we will create in this post. Please number your comments. Our beginning will be part 1. The first comment, therefore, should be numbered 2. The comment after that should be 3. Each comment should build on what the previous comment expressed. Make sense? We realize the comments can often be wonky, so if there are several number 2s and 3s and 4s, that's totally fine. It will be a wild west feminist free-for-all!

We said we'd start, so here goes nothing.

On August 26, 1920, women were given the right to vote in the United States. We've come along way since then, but the current campaign for president has unearthed just how much misogyny is acceptable in public discourse. We live in a country where women still make less money for doing the same jobs; where sexual abuse and harassment continue to run rampant through every city and state; where only 14% of the senate is female. We need to keep fighting to make these inequalities dissipate and to do so means never giving up the struggle.

Now you go!

Help Us Write "The Gender Speech" [Huffington Post]
Obama Race Speech: Read The Full Text [Huffington Post]

Earlier: Why There Will Never Be A Race Speech About Sex

Oh yeah AUSTRALIA. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't get this either. Violent misogynists all over seem to be slipping by unnoticed! I think I am going to go back to sleep now and have some really nice dreams.

I do believe that advertisers create the reality to be consumed first and then women solidify the image by reproducing it and voting with their purchasing power. It then becomes a lived reality. I believe that, as a culture, we are too far into the matrix of this particular cultural mandate and constructed reality to question the originations of it or to ponder whether it is physically, mentally and socially healthy.

The Marijuana Tax Act

This is a bonus chapter not relating to anything else in the book. This chapter explores how the interests of a few powerful individuals at both the government and public level worked together to pass the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937. The propaganda campaign launched in the early 1930's that led to the passage of the Marijuana Tax Act permanently changed the way the public viewed the cannabis plant and marijuana smoking by rallying the emotions o the public against such substances.

Black civil rights weren't won by suited men (or women) sitting at desks. They were won by a mass movement of millions who marched, sat in at lunch counters, endured jailings, and took bullets and beatings for the right to vote and move freely about.

Barbara thinks Hillary is cynical and pragmatic to the point of political futility and basically indicates her skillset would be better-suited to the corner office than the presidency. And Bob is merely troubled by the willingness of America to regularly demean, exploit, belittle, grope, abuse, and throw away the rape kits of one half of its populace. (Also he is so cute!) Go read both of them and read some people with real opinions for a change!

Hillary's Real MLK Problem [Huffington Post]
Politics and Misogyny [NY Times]

*Could you tell that was a joke? That was a joke. Designed to offend you, avoid earnestness, save space, etc.

The Charge: Spewing Endless Amounts of Bullshit
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton
The Evidence: Basically every post he's written about Britney Spears in the last fucking year, including this one, in which he has scrawled "INSERT" between Britney's legs.
Points For Good Behavior: None. I am so fucking fed up with Perez's "concerned for the children" routine. Like he gives a fuck about Tater Tot and Small Fry! Like he gives a shit about children anywhere. Obviously Britney is a fuck-up and a less-than-awesome mom. But Perez loves and eats up her downfall, no matter the cost to her children. If I have to read one more iota of pseudo concern for Sean Preston and Jayden James, I am going to stab myself in the eyes.
The Sentence: I don't know, I just want him to rot.


YAY! Now for the real winners this week: our usually offensive, piece of shit bloggers who actually broke out the funny and shut out the cruelty.

The Funny: Coining the nickname "Tommy Girl" and other hilarities about the farce that is TomKat.
The Winner: My future gay best friend forever (call me!) Michael K at DListed.
The Hilarity: "Awwww...poor Katie. Somebody really needs to sit her down, pour her a cup of Chamomile and gently break the news to her that babies don't come from storks. She's probably sitting by the window every single day waiting for her delivery. I mean that's where Tommy Girl said Suri came from, so what's Katie supposed to think?"
The Prize: An invitation to a Jezebel Cuddle Party.


The Funny: Finding something interesting to say about Fergie and John Duhamel
The Winner: Still-a-loser-but-atleast-he-has-one-redeeming-moment-in-his-life Todd at I Don't Like You In That Way.
The Hilarity: "Josh Duhamel is on a Mexican beach painting. Seriously, he has an easel. Painting. Maybe next time he can sit under a parasol and wear a silk scarf. Which would be about 100 times better than what Fergie is wearing. Apparently she went to Mexico to read people's fortunes. Is she some sort of gypsy? If so, will I get that big promotion? Oh Fergie, please do tell what the stars have foretold!"
The Prize: Duh, our stamp of approval for once.


The Funny: Totally calling out Milo Ventimiglia for his weird stroke face, which has bugged us since episode one of Heroes
The Winner: Surprisingly-docile Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Hilarity: "[Milo Ventimiglia] talks out of the side of his mouth like he had a stroke. It's wildly irritating. I feel like he's trying to tell me something in code, like he's trying to whisper that someone is behind me, so an episode of "Heroes" is nothing but 60 minutes of me turning around again and again and saying, "what, where?""
The Prize: That was so funny, we might be willing to kiss him, should he ever get the privilege of sharing the same breathing space as us.

The following questions come to mind when looking at these ads: Did men really think this way? Did these ads work, meaning did the men and women they were meant for actually buy the message, and the product? Did women viewing these ads feel the sting of embarrassment and anger they prompt from us now? Have we come very far at all, considering the strippers, airheads and disembodied skirts we've got today?

The Outrageously Politically Incorrect Adverts From The Time Equality Forgot [Daily Mail]
Related: Killing Your Wife is the Best Gift You Can Give Yourself This Holiday Season [Shakesville]
Earlier: Aussie Chicken: Finger Strippin' Good
In Australia, The Perfect Woman Is Cold-Hearted & Knows How To Clean
Speechless.

Fernet Lipno [YouTube via Copyranter]

Picasso's indiscretions are even more well known, and his artistic relationship to women is more complex. He hopped from several wives and mistresses throughout his life, and when his relationship to then-wife Olga Khokhlova was disintegrating, he painted her with "either distortion or radical dismemberment and reconstruction." His mistress at the time, though, the 17-year-old Marie-Thérèse Walter, was painted without a "trace of anger or misogyny."

Both Picasso and Klimt are somewhat unassailable as great artists. Does it affect your view of their work to know that the women in their lives suffered far greater indignities than the women on their canvases? Who deserves to be in the Fine Art Hall Of Shame, as far as misogyny goes?

Gustav Klimt: A Lover Of Women [The Economist]
Picasso's life:
His Middle Years [The Economist]

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: Egotastic's mystery blogger who we have reason to believe might be named Phil. Fitting.
The Evidence: "Something smells fishy, and I'm not talking about Kim Kardashian's underwear drawer."
Points for Good Behavior: While "Phil" has the maturity of a 10-year-old boy, he is rather sweetly enamored with the female form. Boob appreciation jokes are certainly sexist in a way, but they don't really piss us off. That said, insinuating that the vagina smells gross is tired. Not that eau du femme (or "Vulva"!) is really our personal fave, but fish stink jokes are cliche and suggest you've never actually got close enough to one to smell it for real.
The Sentence: A kick to the balls never hurt.


The Charge: Sleazy Bedroom Tactics
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do, a real godfather of the misogynistic blogosphere, having spawned The Superficial and I Don't Like You In That Way as well.
The Evidence: "When I have sex, I'm like a squid, I just shoot the girl in the face and then take off during the resulting confusion."
Points for Good Behavior: Um, none. Women are not sperm receptacles for your amusement, fuckface. Would you splooge in your mom's face with that tiny dick?
The Sentence: Finally sentenced for those date rape offenses he's undoubtedly incurred.


The Charge: Art Skills That Suck Dick
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira, the increasingly-swelling blowhard behind Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: Doodling a cum-dripping penis near Hayden Panettiere's head, saying, "Something tells us [she] is quite familiar with this position."
Points for Good Behavior: Honestly, Perez isn't even remotely funny anymore. And he doesn't break news either. Really, why do we go to his site other than to hate on him? The pictures aren't even fun because they're ruined by his retarded monkey scribblings. By the way Mario, just because you can't get laid, doesn't mean every young actress is a cock-sucking whore. Really, the two aren't even connected.
The Sentence: We're vowing to not read his site for one full week and will not include his heinousness in next week's column. Just cuz.


The Charge: Passive-Aggressively Thinspiration
The Accused: That dum-dum Rian from The Skinny who wastes way too many brain cels obsessing over celebrity weight. Read a book, sweetie.
The Evidence: "Do YOU want to eat like Oprah? (Personally, I do not. I'd rather eat like one of the slim, fit celebrities whose weight doesn't fluctuate every five minutes!)"
Points for Good Behavior: Zero, just like Rian's likely dress-size. This site basically sucks and offends our eyes, when we could be wasting our work hours updating our Facebook profiles. It's boring. And for the record, of course you don't want to eat like Oprah, Rian. Because you have an Eating Disorder. You probably would rather eat like that pigeon we once saw in Florence, Italy whose beak was sewn shut.
The Sentence: A month living with one of those awesome tribes where fat women are worshipped.


The Charge: Worst Person, Um, Ever
The Accused: Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way. Has a nice person named Todd ever existed? We don't think so.
The Evidence: Let's put it this way: there's so much horrible girl-hate on this site that we compiled three gems.
1) "Good for Jennifer Aniston because a chick's vagina is like Yellowstone Park. When I go, I want to camp out. I don't want a sock in my teeth."
2) "God, I hate this ungrateful cunt. Every time Kirsten Dunst opens her mouth it's something like this. She has no discernible talent or dental plan... God knows why she was cast in Spider-Man. It sure wasn't to be pretty. They'd could have cast that WB frog and nobody would've known the difference."
3) "How did the soldier that Gilligan found become Katherine Heigl's sister? Does she still think it's WWII? Man, I hope not. I'm just gonna take a wild stab and say that they have different parents. Either that or a Japanese hooker called Mrs. Heigl with a secret. Oh Mr. Heigl, you naughty boy."
Points For Good Behavior: Not Applicable. Cunt? Check. Pubic hair jokes? Check. Racist zingers? Check.
The Sentence: We'll let the Jezebel Jury decide that one.

As for us being "emasculated," Grigoriadis ignores that fact that half the Page Six staff is female. The male half might take her someplace private and disprove her theory, but we don't like a woman with a mustache.

Honestly? We don't know what possessed the paper to print something so ridiculously immature and sexist, but we're guessing the guys on the column saw the word "emasculated" and, egos bruised, lashed out the only way they knew how — by insulting Ms. Grigoriadis' looks. Wonder what the "female half" of the Page Six staff thinks of that? Also, are they really offering to "take her somewhere private" and show her their genitalia? Is that a sexual threat? Anyway, as for the writer herself, she's taking the high road. After we contacted her for comment, she responded simply: "It's funny when men point out what's wrong with your body and you realize you haven't worried about that since junior high school."

UPDATE: Radar reports that Richard Johnson himself is behind the retaliation. Radar which is run by Grigoriadis' former mentor at New York Magazine, Maer Roshan, is obviously pissed.
Emasculated? We'll See! [Page Six]
Related: Revenge? Page Six Says It With Rape [Radar]
Everybody Sucks: Gawker And The Rage Of The Creative Underclass
Noted In Page Six [Mediabistro]

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: DListed's adorable and really hard to hate Michael K.
The Evidence: "Oh speaking of frothy, chunky and creamy, click here to see a picture of Brit Brit flashing her real PINK EYE yesterday. Actually, it's a little brown with flecks of black and red."
Points for Good Behavior: The last line of this post, in typical self-deprecating form, almost made us spill our morning coffee on our own crotch. "I am more familiar with her labia than my own ass lips. That's the truth." Damnit, he's funny.
The Sentence: Buying our tampons every month for the next year!

The Charge: Slandering The Female Form
The Accused: Perez Hilton blogger Mario Lavandeira, who, as much as we'd like to ignore him, will never not be on this list of gossip blogger offenses.
The Evidence: "How many chins does Britney Spears have? We're counting some triple chin action here! How many do U see????"
Points for Good Behavior: Luckily, as per usual, "P-Nasty" acknowledges his own disgusting lard ass, saying, "Perez has beat her by four additional chins", however, we're really sick of people saying Britney Spears, a woman who's has two babies in two years, is fat. If we ate a steady diet of Cheetos and Taco Bell, we'd weigh well over 200lbs and Britney could still bench press us. She's strong and curvy, bitch, not fat!
The Sentence: Banned from Paris Hilton's Halloween Party.

The Charge: Race-iness
The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way's dude blogger Todd.
The Evidence: For starters: "If seeing short, flat Mexican chicks getting plowed by NBA players is your thing, then today is your lucky day. It is widely speculated that an Eva Longoria sex tape may hit online as early as this month." Not to mention: "Some people need plastic surgery. Some people like Kim Kardashian. Pictures of an Iraqi runaway pretending to do reverse cowgirl probably isn't going to be the Internet sensation Eric Ford had in mind."
Points for Good Behavior: Seriously, this guy could get a weekly column of his own, he's so offensive. He gets negative points for making it hard for us to choose which post was the most hateable.
The Sentence: Dump him, Jenny, dump him!

The Charge: Rah-Rah Rape Jokes
The Accused: The Superficial and I Don't Like You In That Way alum Brendan, who, by the way, has a gross beefy body with an American-flag armband tattoo according to this pic on his MySpace page. Lo. Ser.
The Evidence: "Being as rich as Richard Branson seems pretty cool. You can hold parties for your airline and then hot chicks show up and you can pick them up and do whatever you want with them. Just between you and me, you can also achieve this same result by pointing a gun at them. Oh, and drugs, don't forget about drugs."
Points For Good Behavior: None. And we hate him even more for totally mis-understanding the role of Tyler Durden in Fight Club, not to mention using woman-loving Brad Pitt in his site logo.
The Sentence: Umm, prison rape, obvs.

The Charge: Obsession with Skinniness
The Accused: The Skinny's Rian is back and this time she actually admits she thinks skinny is best. Shocker!
The Evidence: "Is it OK for models to look like normal people, or should they be thinner? Personally (and I know I'll be blasted for saying this, but oh well), I think clothing models should be thinner than the average person, for various reasons."
Points for Good Behavior: So Rian never hates on anyone who's fat, but we're getting really sick of her dim-bulb approach to blogging about this topic — just because you ask you readers for their opinion on whether model Gemma Ward is fat, doesn't mean your post doesn't blatantly imply that you think she's a cow. And for the record, Gemma was in a yoga class of ours a couple weeks ago and we were delighted to see she sucked. Models: They're just like US!
The Sentence: A padlock on her toilet bowl for one month.

The Charge: Gratuitous Uglifying
The Accused: DListed's Michael K, who's gayer than a handbag filled with rainbows
The Evidence: "This is the new breed of no-talent, not-so-pretty girls getting famous. I still don't think Tallulah Belle is that fugly. She's actually rather cute. Rumer can't be helped . All has been done. Scout on the other hand.......I mean they should just become dudes. They honestly would make hot dudes. "
Points For Good Behavior: Bringing out the feminism for his unlikely support of female body hair. "My sister used to refuse to shave her pits and legs. It was a smelly, hairy, fug mess and I made fun of her, but I could kind of see her point. I didn't have to shave my pits, so why should she?'
The Sentence: Michael K is a blogger we actually have a hard time complaining about — he's a true equal opportunity acid-tongued hater, towards every celebrity ever, not to mention himself. Because he's fair, his sentence is one night in an all-lesbian prison.

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: Perez Hilton blogger/cum scribbler Mario Lavandeira
The Evidence: Referring to Lauren Conrad as "beef curtains" on a regular basis.
Points for Good Behavior: This was tough, but as he normally talks shit on everyone but his sugar momma, Paris Hilton, we were quite pleased when he posted the David Letterman interview footage, saying the comic tore her ten new assholes. Are you out of the Hilton inner circle, Perez?
The Sentence: Banned from the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, his office, for one month.

The Charge: Archaic, Bullshit Notions About Womanhood
The Accused: The Superficial's straight male blogger Karl Wang.
The Evidence: "Women everywhere can learn something here today. You should be able to comfortably seat a party of ten on your chest, otherwise you better be awesome in the kitchen. Real awesome."
Points for Good Behavior: None. He's not even funny.
The Sentence: Must remain a virgin for one year.

The Charge: Compartmentalizing/Objectifying Body Parts
The Accused: Some straight, horny dude from Seattle, name unknown, who blogs for Egotastic. [If you've got more info, let us know. - Ed.]
The Evidence: "Lindsay Lohan is looking too relaxed. That's not the girl we've grown to hate. Where's bitchy Lindsay? Where's freaky Lindsay?...At least her boobs are still hot. What? You thought I might actually do a Lindsay Lohan post and not talk about her rack?"
Points For Good Behavior: Isn't attracted to the most ana of women; encourages them to "eat a burger".
SENTENCE: No pussy for you Mr. Horny, for one year.

The Charge: Trivializing Abuse Of Women
The Accused: Straight-girl blogger Lisa Timmons at A Socialites Life.
The Evidence: "Jessica Simpson probably deserved that leg beating...it's almost as if she's decided to showcase her strange bruises that are either the result of being beaten for refusing to wipe that ridiculous and inexplicable smile off her face, or if it's simply the result of some uneven tanning."
Points for Good Behavior: Generally she's not much of a girl hater, so maybe we'll let this one slide.
SENTENCE: One day wiping The Superficial's ass.

The Charge: Slandering The Female Form
The Accused: Mollygood's first straight, male blogger Cord Jefferson, who's been on the job for about a year.
The Evidence: "Where're those speculative tabloids when you really need 'em? Is this chick [Garcelle Beauvais] 'sperminated' or just a pig? We have to know."
Points for Good Behavior: Usually Mollygood is funny, but we're still steaming over a post on Mollygood from a few months ago, when Jefferson pulled a Terrence Howard and went off about not wanting to know that women actually shit.
The Sentence: 24 consecutive hours of watching German scat porn.

The Charge: Obsession with Skinniness
The Accused: The Skinny, a fairly boring blog documenting the diet and exercise habits of Hollywood women, is run by a relatively dry-as-toast blogger named Rian.
The Evidence: "Is it my imagination, or is Kate Moss not scary skinny anymore, but just... skinny?"
Points for Good Behavior: Rian never makes disparaging remarks about any of the celebs she blogs about, but the site itself is what the pro-ana community would call "triggering" because of the loads of thinspiration riddling the pages. The Skinny's unapologetic focus on the importance of weight is seriously negligent. Also, it's not funny, which is a goddamn crime in itself.
The Sentence: A month on the Krispy Kreme Diet.