Ok!
"I'll Love Him Forever." This article, titled "Our Love Story," is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "like an old married couple." Why? Because they would drive to the set of Eclipse together, and, when headed home, one would wait for the other to get out of wardrobe and makeup. Oh, and Rob is like a "human magnet" for Kristen. They love each other, etc. BREAKING: Heels are not rain boots, Suri Cruise! (See image 7) Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are "prepping for parenthood" by getting a dog. Lindsay Lohan has been partying all night every night in the last few days. The source here is a paparazzo who follows LL. He says: "After 4, 5, 6 in the morning, she's really crazy. She screams and yells and says very mean things, even though she knows us very well." Maybe she doesn't want to be followed at 5 am? Anyway, another "friend" says Lindsay refuses to go to rehab: "We ask, we beg, but she won't listen."
Grade: F (headlice)

Us
"Her Secret Deal."
Katie Holmes is sad and lonely because she's "committed herself" to a seven-year contract and Tom tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. "He even told her to be pale like Nicole [Kidman]," says a source. Meanwhile, Suri is 3 going on 30 with her heels and San Pelligrino and so on. As for Katie, the mag says her "situation" will "not improve until November 2013," when her contract is up. Moving on: Recently at a West Hollywood nightclub, Lindsay Lohan shouted at two photographers: "Why don't you go find my dad? He's the one who wants the pictures." Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are stalking the stork; a source says: "Gwen has told friends she's trying for another baby." In Rob and Kristen news, they ordered the same thing for room service breakfast recently — and had it delivered to one room, which means, OMG, he slept over. A hotel staffer adds, "They were already dressed when room service was delivered." You can practically feel the magazine's disappointment! In case you're unsure of the milestones in the "Robsten" relationship, Us has provided a handy timeline (See image 8). Jon Gosselin is threatening to have a showdown on Thanksgiving because Kate Gosselin plans to invite her bodyguard, Steve Neild. A source says Jon's jealous: "Even though he knows it's over with Kate, he still can't stand the thought of her being with another man, especially Steve." Another source says Kate's constantly on the phone with Steve, "smiling like a teenager" and "I haven't heard her yell in two weeks." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston and two friends flew via private jet to the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas. "On Aniston's agenda? Morning yoga sessions, lying by the pool, and being waited on hand and foot."
Grade: F (peeling scalp)

Life & Style
"Tears, Joy, And Drama At The Baby Shower."
While the magazine does not flat-out claim that it sponsored Kourtney Kardashian's baby shower, the guests drank from soda bottles decorated with with Kourtney's Life & Style cover (See image 9). And the magazine says: "Life & Style and Simmons jewelry company gave Kourtney a limited edition Hello Kitty necklace made from white gold, enamel and diamonds." Price? $950. There were 84 guests at the party, and they got chocolate Louboutin shoes and swag bags — it was a publicity event, not a baby shower. Each sister gave an exclusive interview to the magazine, which is where the "drama" comes in — Khloe and Kim used to hate Kourtney's baby daddy Scott Disick, because he was accused of cheating on Kourtney, but now they like him, because "he's done small things" like putting the crib together. And he got a job. With QuickTrim. For which the Kardashians are spokesmodels. Moving on: Michael Lohan is trashing Jon Gosselin and the way he treated Kate Major: "You sleep with a woman, you gain her confidence by saying you're going to hire her, then you use her like that?I spoke to Stephanie Santoro, and it was the same thing." Here are three ways Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are copying Angelina and Brad: First they denied they were in a relationship; then they get people used to the idea of them as a couple with an intimate photo shoot in a fashion magazine; then they GRADUALLY show PDA (see image 10). Also inside: Michael Lohan says: "I will not release another audio tape about Lindsay. I did it because I wanted Lindsay to know how I felt when I heard that tape. When I get a phone call at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning from my daughter and she's in dire straits, I get very concerned." Lastly: Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1,146,518.62, and the mag itemizes that receipt for you (See image 11).
Grade: D- (clumps of hair falling out)

In Touch
"Yes! They'll Reunite!"
Re: The cover image: Do you love how they are Photoshopped together, with her arm disappearing into his chest? The cover copy reads: "Jen waits for Brad at the resort they love." But inside, what they mean is: She went to a hotel in Mexico she'd been to with Brad and "waited" for him to text her. "After a few glasses of wine on November 13, his pal reveals that Jen ducked away from her group of friends and exchanged a series of text messages with Brad that crossed the line from friendly to downright flirtatious." Oh, and you know how two tell-all books about Brangelina are coming out? Angelina's "tarnished" image is driving Brad away, and he thinks she's brought this on herself because of her addiction to attention. The copy reads: "Brad isn't worried about how the books will affect Angelina, but how they might hurt their children." A source says: "Maddox is old enough to Google his mom now, and Brad is afraid he'll get hurt." Jen's friend says: "Brad seems haggard. All Jen wants to to when she sees him is give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine." Oh, and Brad and Jen have reconnected over Norman, Jen's sick dog — who used to be Brad's dog, too. Also inside: Geena Davis may have put on 50 lbs. Jennifer Garner may have lost 35 lbs. Britney Spears is in a "race to the altar." She's expecting Jason Trawick to propose over Christmas, and she wants to get married in the summer of 2010. Wait, is that a race? She wants bridesmaids, a gown and a four-tiered cake — a traditional wedding. (What, no pimps and hos sweatsuits?) "Britney wants to tie the knot ASAP to insure that Jason won't leave her again." She also wants her dad's conservatorship to end. Oh, and her dad wants her to start on another album after her tour, while Jason wants her to take a break — and he thinks her family is using her. Next: When Sarah Palin was on Oprah's show, things backstage were "tense." Did Nicole Kidman have a boob job? (See image 12) BREAKING: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted getting off of a plane in Paris and HOLDING HANDS. "She grinned from ear to ear and snuggled into him happily," a source says. "They're obviously a couple and definitely in love." During their European trip, they booked separate rooms, but she ordered breakfast and coffee for two the day after they arrived. Lastly: a 41-year-old man named Matthew Roberts was adopted as a baby and found his birth mom in 1997, and she told him he was conceived when she was raped during a drug-fueled orgy involving Charles Manson and four other men. Why this story is here we have no idea, but the guy does look like Manson. (See image 13)
Grade: D- (matted hair)

Star
"Katie's $15 Million Tell All."
Since her contract expires on November 18 (TODAY), Katie is "prepared to pen an explosive and embarrassing exposé" of her life behind closed doors. She COULD get $15 million for her confessions. Like: They have separate bedrooms, and she says it's because Tom snores loudly, but Katie has hinted that they've never slept the whole night together. Tom likes it when Katie wears sexy lingerie, and Tom likes to "parade around the house in military uniforms," similar to the ones he wore in Top Gun, A Few Good Men and Valkyrie. "It makes him feel handsome," according to a source. Tom spends hours each day in front of the mirror, checking out his wrinkles and love handles. He also waxes his chest regularly and gets colonics. Tom lets Suri do whatever she wants and has already had to replace mahogany paneling twice in six months, because he lets her draw pictures on the walls. And! "Katie may also decide to go public about Tom's secret Scientology mobile unit. It's a black American-made van that looks like a regular vehicle on the outside, but inside it's fitted with high tech gadgets, monitors and computer equipment worth of a spy flick." A source says Tom spends a ton of time in the van: "It's how he keeps in touch with Scientologists all over the world. It's padded on the inside, so that no one can hear anything on the outside. Not too many people get to see the inside of this thing." Moving on: Did Kim Kardashian get a nose job? (See image 14). Rihanna is a "carbo-loader" who insists on fast-food feasts. And just so you know, Lady Gaga requests a hot, whole roast chicken in her tour rider. Precious star Gabby Sidibe is featured in a piece called "She's Got Style" and the copy reads, "she's a pro when it comes to turning heads." Seriously, there is not ONE crack about her weight from the magazine which does "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" regularly. (See image 15). Drew Barrymore has kicked Justin Long out of her apartment because he's a slob and started acting like a Frat boy, leaving his stuff all over the place. Someone told Jennifer Aniston that her ex, Adam Duritz, was on his way to a party — with his new ladyfriend, Emmy Rossum — so Jen "bolted out the back door." Bruce Willis took his wife Emma Heming to dinner and the owner of the restaurant mistook her for one of his daughters. Blind item! "Which actor plays a loving dad and hubby on TV, but likes to play the field in real life? While his wife cares for their kid, he hits NYC hot spots, trying to pick up young chicks." Khloe Kardashian was spotted picking up half a dozen pregnancy tests at Rite- Aid. In Brad & Angie news, they visited a museum, and the story goes, "They were so inspired by the beauty all around them that they babbled about their future family plans." Angie said: "I have a mosaic in my house. I have ancient cultures, and we celebrate everything. This year, we're doing Christmas, Kwanzaa and even Hanukkah." When asked if she was going to have one more kid, Angie said "I'm always thinking about it. I would love to." Brad said: "You never know." Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she is dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. He used to work in a T-mobile store and now Fantasia has his name tattooed on her chest. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went to a Jay-Z show and guess who came out to sing "Run This Town"? Rihanna. Seeing her was "like a knife" in Jessica's heart, but Justin danced and sang along. "Jessica stood there like a fool… trying not to cry." The New Moon promotional tour took Rob to Japan and Kristen to South America, and when they were apart, Rob realized he couldn't live without Kristen. So then there's some stuff in here for the Twihards: When Rob and Kristen stayed in that hotel in Paris, he arranged for the staff to place dozens of roses around the room — there were flower petals covering the floor and bed and lit candles everywhere when she walked in. The two are planning to get married once all the Twilight craze dies down. Which is never. They might elope in London. Finally: "Wow, Jen's New Bikini Body" is about how in Mexico, Ms. Aniston's belly was slightly rounder and she ate everything she wanted: "Could she be getting ready to be a mom?" A source says Jen's been hooking up with John Mayer — and they haven't always been careful. The "pal" reminds us: "Just because she's single doesn't mean she can't get pregnant!"
Grade: D+ (dandruff)

From Ok!

From Us

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Star

From Star

In Touch
"Oh, Baby! 'We're Ready!'"
Here's what Margaret learned: Kendra is a die-hard Nancy Grace fan and is worried about people who hurt children. "I tell Hank, we're going to know every neighbor, every teacher, every priest, everybody around us. We will make sure to be surrounded by good people. Like Jaycee Dugard — how can you not know your neighbors have kids living in tents in the backyard?" Khloe went to breastfeeding classes with Kourtney. None of this is scintillating, but there it is. Also inside: Suri Cruise has found her "sole mate" — another little girl who wears heels! (See image 7). Lots of random stuff in the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt story: Jennifer Aniston has given her friends permission to talk about Angelina for Andrew Morton's book, because she wants the world to know what Angie is really like. While they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie would call Brad repeatedly. "Angelina wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Jen's mind that something was going on with her and Brad," says a friend. "Jen and Brad would fight about it, then Brad would seek comfort from Angelina." At the time, Brad and Jen were actively trying to have a baby. Brad's pal says the book will probably contain information about Angelina that would make it easier for Brad to leave her — with nobody thinking worse of him. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat anyone involved, says the book could open up communication between Brad and Jen and may lead to them reuniting. A story about Beyoncé's baby plans begins, "Beyoncé may soon be putting a diaper on it instead of a ring!" Does that even make sense? Lastly: Kate Hudson is "so desperate" to marry A-Rod, she even agreed to sign a pre-nup agreement to protect his $300 million fortune. A friend says she's already met with an attorney, intent on proving she's not after his cash.
Grade: F (rotting fish)

Ok!
"Angie's Adopting… Without Brad!"
Angelina is "preparing" to bring home a little girl from Syria, "a move that could result in an almighty showdown" in their "already strained relationship." Angie met the girl in October when she traveled to Syria with the UN Refugee Agency. Some more hyperbole: "Blinded by her desire to adopt again, Angie has failed to see the many glaring issues that are threatening her relationship with Brad." Just so you know, this adoption will be "a slap in Brad's face." Moving on: Matthew McConaughey's ladyfriend, Camilla Alves bought son Levi a baby bunny as a pet. (See image 8). Lastly: Secrets from the set of Glee! Madonna requested DVDs of the series for her kids, and is letting the show use her songs for an episode! Quinn and Rachel used to be roommates in real life!
Grade: F (rancid meat)

Life & Style
"Angelina's A Total Fake"
Apparently Angelina "manipulates and controls" every aspect of her life. Is that really a bad thing? Anyway: According to an "insider," Angelina has "mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who'd do anything for humanity. But the truth is more complex." The mag claims Angie has "no sense of right and wrong" and convinced Brad that their relationship was fine when he was with Jennifer Aniston. "Angie created a world where he was free of accountability and responsibility for another person's feelings." Angie told Brad what was happening between them was bigger than they were and there was no way to deny it. She said they were destined to be together. Maybe she was right? Anywhoo, "Though the actress has stated that she wants the kids to be worldly, growing up in many places, some believe it may be harmful to deprive them or a stable home base." Also, Angelina and Brad are addicted to adopting, and Angelina is addicted to fame. More accusations and bullshit too tedious to print inside. Oh, and she "Says one thing, does another." (See image 9). She says she doesn't think about what she wears on the red carpet, but uses a stylist? That doesn't make her a hypocrite, that means someone else is thinking about what she wears on the red carpet. Gah. Moving on: An insider close to Jay-Z says: "Jay wanted to marry B and make babies with her from practically the day they met." When they were engaged, he called her "wifey" and "my baby's mama." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer went on a date! He took her to his manager's birthday party. An eyewitness says: "They were clearly a couple. They were acting very lovey-dovey… She was giggly all night." Finally, TLC's T-Boz has Swine Flu! Over the years, she's been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor, and now: H1N1. It took her two weeks to recover, but she says she won't get the vaccine next year, because whenever she gets a flu shot, she feels sick for about three days.
Grade: F (sour milk)

Us
"Angelina's Cruel Lies"
Ian Halperin's new book, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie , has lots of claims, like: Angelina spread nasty rumors about her romantic rival Jen Aniston; a tipster says Angie was recently taking crystal meth; and Angelina and Brad are just one year from splitting. According to one of Halperin's exes, who worked on Troy with Brad Pitt, but never saw Brad with Angie, "They've broken up so many times, it would make your head spin." A limo driver says: "She has a temper like a cobra." Halperin claims that in 1998, Angie was so distraught that she hired a hit man to kill her. LOL. Also, Brad met a Sudanese model named Amma at a Darfur event and they flirted, fueling fears of cheating. An employee and the Dorchester Hotel in London overheard Shiloh refer to a nanny as "mommy." And, Halperin says, "It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the two were broken up by Christmas 2010." On the other hand, Us reports that Angie and Brad are enjoying "a peaceful French life" : A recent visitor says Angie was in the kitchen doing dishes while the kids were running outside; she could watch from the window. The kids have free reign on the estate's 880 acre grounds; Pax and Maddox run around for hours pointing their fingers at each other like guns. Shiloh and Zahara bond with the ponies and donkeys on the estate and "revel in golf cart rides with Daddy." An insider says: "Every time the cart goes over a bump, Shiloh squeals with delight." Moving right along: We love 3 of the "25 Things" you don't know about Dolly Parton: "I have a treehouse where I write a lot of children's songs." And! "I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and true love. Don't even try to tell me different." And! "I get acrylic put on the inside of my nails as well as the outside. It makes them just like guitar picks." On another page, Kim Kardashian reveals, "I lost my virginity to an R. Kelly CD." Wait, you had sex with a disc? "We put up the music really loud," she clarifies. Lindsay Lohan was "trailing after" Kellan Lutz (Twilight, 902010) at a club and "when she wasn't following him, she was texting him." She talked to him for 5 minutes — but it ended there. He has a girlfriend.
Grade: D- (freezer burned ice cream)

Star
"Mind Games!"
An insider says Jen and Angelina despise each other, and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm. "Neither has an ounce of empathy." After Thanksgiving, Brad is filming The Lost City Of Z in Brazil, and Jen is planning a vacation in Mexico, but will take a side trip to Brazil! "Jennifer sees her chance for a reunion far from the prying eyes of Hollywood," a source says. "And she knows that when Angelina finds out — and she certainly will — she'll be livid." Jen gets drunk and calls Chateau Mirval in the middle of the night — and she likes that she wakes up Angie. Every time she hears that Brad and Angie are having problems, Jen will call Brad and "act sweet." Then Brad unloads on her, telling her Angie's being moody and difficult, and Jen loves that. Angelina steals all the roles that Jen wants and laughs when Jen's movies bomb. Angelina knows which designers Jen likes and when her "spies" find out she's asked for something, Angie tries to get it first, and be photographed in it. Angie knew that Jen wanted to wear an Elie Saab dress to the Oscars, but Angie got it first, and poor Jen had to wear Valentino. : ( Angelina isn't crazy about Brad's scruffy look, but Jen recently texted Brad, telling him he looked handsome and distinguished in his goatee. Brad likes watching them fight over him, so he purposely leaves out his cell phone so that Angie can see Jen's called or texted. Moving on: A handwriting expert analyzed Twilight autographs, and now we know that Robert Pattinson is highly intelligent; Kristen Stewart is "more traditional and stiff" and Rob and Kristen "feel safe with each other." (See image 10.) Blind item! "Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA's Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable." Since his kid was born, Colin Farrell's girlfriend put a swear jar in his house — every time he curses he has to put in $100. Tobey Macguire was running and heard a "pitiful meow" and saw a scared kitten stuck in a tree! He pulled her to safety with his Spider-Man grip. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that she doesn't hate Chris Brown, but and insider says she "despises" Chris — so much that if someone mentions his name, she'll say. "Please don't talk about him." Lindsay Lohan went to Crown Bar, where she ran into her former live-in love, Courtenay Semel. She asked to be moved to a table away from Courtenay, then "flirted heavily" with Twilight's Kellan Lutz, to no avail, then ran from the club to "sob in an alley." Lindsay also partied super-late three nights in a row at Leonardo Di Caprio's house. "Wow! Jessica's Revenge" is about how Jess Simpson dropped 15 pounds in 30 days "and she's not done yet." First she lost 5 lbs. by doing a three-day cleanse; then she cut meat from her diet and eliminated her favorite fatty Mexican foods — and has barely touched alcohol. A doctor who does not treat Simpson says: "This is the old Jessica we all know and love." Yes, not the sad, burrito-loving one! The vengeful, fasting one! The whole time Bradley Cooper has been dating Renée Zellweger, he's also been hooking up with his ex, Isabella Brewster — the younger sister of Jordana Brewster. "He wanted to keep it hush-hush, so usually, they'd just grab takeout and stay in," says a source. "He'd call and tell her, 'Bring your hot self over here, and don't forget dinner.'" Lastly: A man who wrote a book titled Blown For Good — about escaping Scientology — says Tom Cruise audited him when the guy was 17. This was 20 years ago. The dude says: "Tom would talk to inanimate objects, like books, desks, bottles, even ashtrays — for hours. You tell the ashtray, sit in that chair. And then you actually go over and put the ashtray in the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle and the book. And you do this for hours and hours." Why? It's Scientology's "Book and Bottle Routine" that "rehabilitates" your ability to control things and be controlled. The guy says he was in a Scientology compound where he was forced to watch clips of Tom Cruise on talk shows. But then he snuck a small TV in and started watching late-night talk shows that made fun of Tom. "I'd see Conan O'Brien dissing Tom, and I was like wait a minute… They were all laughing their butts off about Tom Cruise being a crazy nutjob, but I thought he was awesome."
Grade: D (furry, moldy berries)

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Click "full size" to enlarge.

Earlier: All previous Midweek Madness posts

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

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Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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Ok!
"He's Mine!"
The story is called "Crazy In Love." "After months of steamy, no-strings-attached hookups" Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer "have decided what they want to be to each other: Full time lovers." Jen "had an epiphany" and realized that "not every romantic connection needs to lead to marriage." Although she's "vowed" to get pregnant by her 41st birthday, she doesn't want to pressure John. But she does want him to be the father of her child. Also: Jen's "secret pain" is that her dog, Norman, is sick; he's got joint stiffness and trouble walking, so Jen got him a masseuse. In addition, he eats organic white meat chicken and organic rice. Next: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are ready to reunite. JT turned to Cammie to get advice about his "crumbling" relationship with Jessica. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian want to start a family, even though they're not planning on getting married. In a random interview with Paris Hilton, she's asked about Jon Gosselin, she says: "I don't know why anyone would care. He just seems like a hungry tiger going through a mid-life crisis." A tiger? Maybe she saw his Ed Hardy jeans and got confused. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are planning a romantic rendez-vous, but a friend of Swift's says: "It's so funny: They're both household names, but they both have to check with their parents before going on vacation together."
Grade: D- (dying for a cult)

Life & Style
"Kim: I'm Having A Baby."
Talk about cover lies: Kim Kardashian is NOT pregnant. Inside, the mag says: "If all goes according to plan, Kim WILL be pregnant by next October." Next: Are Joel Madden and Nicole Richie married? An insider says the story is 100% false. No secret ceremony! In the "Countdown To New Moon" story, this sentence is key: "With fewer than 20 days until the sequel's release on Nov. 20, bloodthirsty fans are working themselves into a frenzy — and the cast is ready to bite back!" Oh! Rumor Vs. Truth: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not engaged. But they are dating. They're staying on the same floor of the Sheraton Vancouver Wall Center, but they have separate 2 bedroom suites. Moving along… "How Britney Got Her Best Body Ever" is a tie-in to the cover line, "Easy Fat Burning Tricks." Guess what these tricks are? She's getting 8 hours of sleep a night, drinking a ton of water, eating three normal meals a day. And! She's doing 800 to 1000 crunches a day. Here's Sharon Osbourne on Karl Lagerfeld, who recently said "No one wants to see curvy women." She says: "I have a really good plastic surgeon that could help him out with his face. My god he's ugly." Angelina Jolie has a "deep-seated fear of hugging." She told a British mag: "A handshake is all I can handle from people who aren't close to me." An insider says: "Angelina doesn't like her personal space to be invaded. She just has to have it on her terms. She has to decide who will hug or kiss her, and when." Um, that sounds reasonable? Uncertainly and stress about Justin Timberlake are making Jessica Biel drop pounds. The reason? "After more than two years, Justin still hasn't put a ring on it." Also, the mag points out: "Her butt's vanished." (See image 7.) The "Surprising Celebrity Couples" box includes Halle Berry and Donny Wood, Brad Pitt and Christina Applegate, and a picture of a kitten and a chick. (See image 8.) Gisele Bunchen is having a girl, and will decorate the nursery in cream and seafoam green. Victoria Beckham picked her son up from school wearing a $18,726 outfit. (See image 9.) Lastly, in an interview with Amber Riley, aka Mercedes from Glee, she says: "You're not your dress size. You're not your shoe size. You're not your pants size. If I'm going to wear a name tag, it's going to say 'Amber Riley," not 'Fat Girl.'"
Grade: D- (marrying a cult member)

Us
"How Love Saved Britney."
Britney Spears and Jason Trawick went on vacation in Mexico with Brit's dad and her kids. Jason and Britney are really getting along: Brit's dad loves him, Brit's mom loves him and everything is great. Moving on: Michael Lohan flew out to be with Lindsay Lohan after her home was robbed, but he had a photographer with him. Lindsay tells the mag: "There was a paparazzi with him. It's just like, can't you be a father behind closed doors without cameras? I wish he would shut up." And about those reports that Michael wants to kidnap Lindsay and get her into rehab, LL says: "He's the one who needs to see someone — for his addiction to the media." Lindsay also says: "Everything is good. I'm in a good place." Paris Jackson has been wearing a small key on a chain around her neck; it fits into a locket that was placed on Michael Jackson's body as it was interred. Sad. Nadya Suleman lost 145 pounds by doing midnight workouts. And giving birth to 8 kids. In Gosselin "news," with mommy and daddy arguing, the kids are suffering: Mady has been getting into trouble at school for name-calling. The kids try to see how much they can get away with. The sextuplets talk back more, hit more — the boys especially. And: "When Mady gets off the school bus, she'll drop her bag at Jon's feet and walk past without a hello," says a source. "Jon yells at her, but she doesn't seem to care. I think she picked that skill up from Kate." Want details of Khloe Kardashian's prenup? The mag provides a handy chart. (See image 10.) We sorta love this quote from Taylor Swift: "In high school, Halloween seemed like an excuse for all the girls to take off their clothes. My best friend and I decided to go against the trend." She was Chewbacca! (See image 11.)
Grade: D (joining a cult )

In Touch
"Baby Joy." Here's what we learned from Kendra: "Well, a lot of it is TMI. But I was reading a baby book that said right now your breasts are going to leak. And I freaked. So then I was experimenting and I squeezed my boob and stuff came out. I screamed. I felt like a cow!" Next: Angelina promised Brad she would take a break from movies, but she's gone back on her word and signed on for lead role in The Tourist. THAT HUSSY. A "friend" says: "Pretending to be someone else for 14 hours a day makes her problems feel less real." Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie Cole Ayers has "replaced" Jon as Kate's companion and is "making her happier than Jon ever did." A "pal" says: "They love going out for coffee and girl talk. And sometimes they'll even have sleepovers." Sometimes they fall asleep in the same bed, and "are as close as two women can be." And since they were seen holding hands, OMG are they LESBIANS?!?! An "associate" says: "They're very fond of each other, almost like sisters. They're close enough to hold hands or take a nap together… But it's a platonic love." In an "In Touch Intervention," there are letters to Lindsay and the headline is "We Don't Want You To Die." The letters are from Michael Lohan, Courtenay Semel, and one of the intervention leaders from the show Intervention. This should have been the cover story! They wrote "heart-wrenching" letters to the mag, hoping LL would read them. Michael Lohan's letter calls LL honey four times in two paragraphs. (See image 14, with highlighting by Margaret.) Here's a snippet: "I have held your vacant body in my arms, felt the tears fall down our faces, and I tried every way to make you see what is happening to you." Also inside: Katie Holmes' parents are begging her to come home to Ohio. An insider says: "She used to be so bubbly and positive… The spark is gone." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Even though John already owns an apartment in Manhattan. He's moving his stuff into her place in LA, and they're looking for a place to share in NYC. Her rep, naturally, denies this story. T.R. Knight has broken up with his boyfriend of almost two years, Mark Cornelsen, but there are no hard feelings. Lastly: "Is This What 17 Looks Like?" calls out Taylor Lautner and Taylor Momsen who are "growing up too fast."
Grade: D+ (getting married by a cult leader)

Star
"Nicole & Joel: Married!"
Nicole Richie and Joel Madden supposedly got married on October 14th, in their home — along with 45,000 other people — as part of a mass wedding by the Unification Church. No, really. A source says after DJ AM died, Nicole didn't want to spend another day not being Mrs. Joel Madden. While the Reverend Sun Myoung Moon wed bunch of people in South Korea, Nicole and Joel were watching it on the internet with a justice of the peace who was translating and marrying them! To celebrate, two days later, Nicole and Joel went to Teddy's with Benji Madden and Samantha Ronson. Nicole was sitting on Joel's lap and people were congratulating them. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan flew to LA for her court date, but immediately went out partying. She was seen cuddling with Balthazar Getty — and left with him at 1:30am. When she showed up at court the next morning, she had "angry welts" on her arms — "tell-tale signs of cutting herself." (See image 12). After leaving court, she wanted to celebrate not having to go to jail, so she went to Teddy's and got so smashed that she left slumped in the backseat of someone's car. She went back to the same club the next night and kept going up to the DJ booth, where Samantha Ronson was spinning, and an eyewitness says: "Lindsay had circles under her eyes and looked like she hadn't showered in days." Oooh, George Clooney "Knifestyles"! A plastic surgeon who does not treat the Cloons thinks he had Botox, upper and lower eyelid surgery, and filler in his smile lines. (See image 13.) In an exclusive interview with Levi Johnston, the mag asks about him posing for Playgirl: "Are we going to see the full monty?" And Levi says: "I don't know. I'm going to decide that on the fly. I want to keep it classy." This piece has lots of stuff you never wanted to know about him toning up his ass, his manscaping and his "dream job," which is "maybe getting into acting." Kill me now. Next, the mag claims that Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend, Nate Lowman, proposed to her while they were on vacation in Paris. The ring was hidden in a truffle box. Katie Holmes gave James Van Der Beek Cameron Diaz's email address, and Dawson and Cammie have been "cyberflirting." Blind item: "Which dancing hunk would rather be doing the mambo with a guy? Though publicly straight, he's been carrying on an affair with a man for years, and he intends to keep it secret." CoughDonnieOsmond?Cough. Penelope Cruz will have a cameo in Sex And The City 2 as the CEO of an international company — Carrie with catch Mr. Big flirting with her character. At an event last week in New York, Madonna confessed to a partygoer that she's become so self conscious about her veiny hands, she'll wear gloves even when it's not cold out. Kelly Rutherford was at a party in NY where the staff was handing out Godiva chocolates; Kelly would smell them, lick them, then put them down, so as not to ruin her diet. Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are fighting over where their baby will be delivered; Gisele wants to give birth in Brazil, surrounded by her family; Tom's football season won't be over so he wants her to do it in L.A. and just fly the family to California. Kate Gosselin accidentally left her diary out on her nightstand and now thinks that Jon stole it. Apparently she misses the good sex she and Jon used to have, hates her body and hates Joy Behar for asking her tough questions on The View. (Not only do we not believe she left her diary out, we don't believe she has a diary.) David Boreanaz is a "serial cheater" who allegedly has been hooking up with a NYC event planner. Jodie Sweetin says that when she did her last round of interviews about getting off of drugs, she was on drugs. But now she says "I'm tired of lying." She's shilling a memoir, UnSweetined, though she's been sober less than a year. And she says: "life isn't like a Full House episode. Uncle Jesse isn't going to come into that courtroom and convince the judge to rule in my favor by singing a Beach Boys song... But that's life, and I think I'm finally starting to get it." Lastly: Jessica Biel was so upset about the rumors involving Rihanna and Justin that she flew to NYC to confront Rihanna. But friends say Rihanna is "an honest, upfront person" who has nothing to hide and said she'd show Jessica the pictures of Justin she had on her BlackBerry. But! They never met up.
Grade: C- (listening to The Cult)

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

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Life & Style
"Don't Call Me Fat."
Since Khloe Kardashian wore a bikini on this mag's cover in early September, and wore a red swimsuit on the cover in July, this marks her third time in swimwear on the cover of Life & Style in the last four months. Apparently bloggers talked shit about her weight and called her names and she says: "Everyone criticizes me about my weight all the time. It's easy for me to be like some other girls in Hollywood — not eat and become anorexic — but thank goodness I am strong-willed and secure with myself." The mag says: "She's getting the last laugh: She has the perfect body and the perfect man." In Angie and Brad news, we learn that they had bodyguard for each twin when they visited Amman, Jordan. Next, an insider says that when Justin and Rihanna were in the studio, their chemistry was on fire. Jessica is chalking it up to the fact that he's a flirt. Justin's grandma says: "As far as we're concerned, he's always been single." Lastly, in an interview with Jennifer Hudson, she claims that her two-month old son said "hi." She and her husband David fights over who wants to hold him, because they both want to hold him all the time.
Grade: D- (horse shit)

Ok!
"Stop Wrecking Our Lives!"
Please note that on the cover, Kate has her hand on her kid's head, and he is screaming. Anyway. All Margaret learned in this cover story was that Jon Gosselin went to a party called Millions Of Milkshakes, where he drank a milkshake and then headed to the Chateau Marmont, where he partied until 2 AM. Moving on: A source tells the mag that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel "bicker constantly" and are more like brother and sister — he complains about her dogs, her career choices and her TV shows. Jess is happy in sweats in now makeup, but Justin irons his T-shirts and follows her dogs around, wiping their paws. Next: After watching Pirates Of The Caribbean more than 10 times, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to star in her own pirate movie. She would like her character's name to be Peter Pirate, and she goes around the house calling her siblings "matey" all the time. A source says: "She's got Brad wrapped around her little finger. And if she wants to star in a pirate film, he very well might make it happen." Shiloh told Brad the film must have "absolutely no ghosts or skeletons" because they scare her too much! Jennifer Aniston is taking "state-of-the art" prenatal vitamins religiously. She's excited because they're making her hair grow and look shiny. She's "preparing for her biggest role yet: Being a mom." There are no details about how this will happen. Magic? One night stand? IVF? A-Rod called Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and asked if they would give their blessing if he asked Kate Hudson to marry him. Goldie is torn, knowing A-Rod's rep. But she also knows Kate is an adult. Anyway: A-Rod is planning to propose around New Year's. In Aspen. Because he wants to do it in front of a fireplace with snow falling outside. Propose, that is.
Grade: D (cow pie)

In Touch
"Facing Their Monsters."
I'm just going to come out and say that it doesn't seem right to lump Elizabeth Smart and Jaycee Dugard in with all the other trashy celebs, so we're skipping this story. We don't come to In Touch for this kind of information. So. What else is inside? Suri Cruise has more than 100 pairs of shoes. When Katie Holmes was out jogging with Tom Cruise, he kept turning around and jogging backwards, shouting "Harder! Faster!" A source says: "She looked resentful, but he kept doing it." George Clooney bought girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis a Cartier diamond ring. Did you know that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are "promoting peace… but teaching violence"? (See image 6) Lastly: Tyra Banks talks about her new slimmer physique: "I realize my body responds more to eating healthy and working out moderately, as opposed to eating like crazy and working out like crazy."
Grade: D (dove droppings)

Us
"Revenge!"
Kate Gosselin has been "moody and angry" and a source says she's been slamming cabinet doors, car doors, bedroom doors and "everything else she can slam." The mag reads: "The nights are the hardest." She goes out driving for no reason and comes back looking like she's been crying. A source says neither Kate nor Jon seem to care about how the kids are faring, and nannies are doing 95% of the work. Jon gets annoyed when they interrupt him when he's on the phone. Oh, and Jon wants Botox, more hairplugs, and lipo. And he'd like to get his stomach stapled. The page called "Ageless A-Listers" is pretty much pix of people who have made deals with the Devil and are no longer aging. Can you guess in which snap the star is younger? (See image 7). BTW, Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri are back together. Justin Timberlake was at Crown Bar "acting single" — a blonde danced seductively between his legs and "it was almost a lap dance." I don't care how much Hermes Heidi Montag has in her closet (see image 8), I would rather hang out in Juliette Lewis's closet! (See image 9.) If you ever wondered how Vanessa Williams stays so sexy, her secret is "yoga, yogurt and Botox." Lastly, Kingston Rossdale's style was evaluated by the Fashion Police and proclaimed "Dope." Agreed!!! (See image 10)
Grade: D+ (kitty krap)

Star
"95 Lbs! Tori Collapses!"
Tori Spelling's all stressed out, because the ex-wife of her husband Dean McDermott is publishing a book that reveals skeezy details about Dean. So. Tori hasn't been eating and someone who doesn't treat her says she is 95 lbs. She went to the hospital on September 28 with abdominal pains, headaches and dizziess, and they ran tests, but couldn't find anything. She went back to the hospital on Oct. 4 for more tests. A doctor who doesn't treat her says she looks "skeletal." Eva Longoria and Kim Kardaisan both had a bobbed wig and vamp makeup in two different photoshoots for two different obsucre magazines, so they are labeled "copycats!" (See image 11). On the "Knifestyles" page, Nicole Kidman is "unrecognizable" with a "newly plump pucker." (See image 12) In Gosselin news, babysitter Stephanie Santoro — with whom Jon supposedly had an affair — says that Jon bragged months ago about raiding Kate's bank account and hacking into her email and text messages. She says: "He doesn't care where his money comes from, or who he has to hurt to get it. He said to me that if he had to, he would use everything in his power — even the kids — to fight Kate for more money." Jon used to work as an IT security guy and Steph says Jon has access to Kate's online banking and has hacked into her email, gathering info. The mag wonders if Jon will go to jail for hacking. Mary-Kate and Ashley are having a "race to the altar." Unfortunately it's not a drag race. Neither wants to be second, because whoever gets married first will steal attention from the other. "Mary-Kate's ring finger is getting itchy," according to the mag. Ashley has been with Justin Bartha for more than a year and has narrowed down a wedding location. Then there's a bunch of speculation about what kind of wedding each would have — Mary-Kate's would be in an edgy art gallery with dark colors; Ashley would have a more elegant affair, etc. Not that either of them is engaged. Blind item: "Which starlet is Hollywood's worst tipper? After a restaurant comped her $2600 meal, she left an 8% gratuity What kind of warped reality is she living in?" A fan approached Kirsten Dunst for an autograph, and a source says, "She was just a sweet young girl, and Kirsten literally said grrr. like a dog." Pink and Carey Hart stopped at a traffic light for a makeout session. They were at a red light, got into it, and didn't realize the light turned green. Awww. Kanye West is making plans to stay at an Ashram in Pondicherry, India. He feels bad about Taylor Swift and is trying to turn things around. Lamar Odom's ex-girlfriend, Lara Manoukian, who was with him for 7 years, says they were still couple when Khloe Kardashian entered the picture. But Lamar would cheat on Lara, and she says "I treated that fool like a king." She says that he was trying to get her pregnant two months ago and "maybe Khloe saved me from the biggest day of my life." Also, Lamar reportedly proposed to Taraji P. Henson a week before meeting Khloe. This story is accompanied by a shot of Lamar smoking a joint. The father of Holly Hester, one of the women David Letterman had an affair with in the '90s when she was an intern on the show, says: "My daughter is probably ashamed of what happened. What he did was wrong, it was inappropriate. He is a predator."
Grade: D+ (puppy poop)

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Click "full size" to enlarge.

Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

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Ok!
"Pregnant At 40!"
Notice how the words "it's a bump!" appear on the cover, but it doesn't actually say "baby bump," because that might be a lie? And though the main cover line is "Pregnant at 40," below that, the deck insinuates that she's ready to be pregnant at 40. Inside, we learn that Jennifer Aniston went to the premiere of Love Happens and an onlooker says, "Her midsection was definitely more rounded than usual… At one point she was running her hands across her stomach." Later in the article, a source says that if Jennifer's not pregnant now, she will be in the very near future, because she's "set her heart" on getting pregnant before her 41st birthday. Moving on: The magazine "invites" readers to the wedding of Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom, but writes: "See next week's issue for the exclusive photos and interview." So it's not really an invitation, is it. Also: The story goes, "While Kourtney is due to give birth to her first child in December, it looks like Khloe will be the first to become a mom." That's because Lamar has two kids. Even though Khloe has known Lamar (and his kids) for less than a month, a source says "She's a great stepmom already."
Grade: [Academic probation continues]

Life & Style
The cover picture is from when Khloe was on Celebrity Apprentice in March. Inside, we learn that Khloe and her mother planned a wedding in 2 weeks, and Khloe and Lamar both lost a parent to cancer. Moving on: Katherine Heigl's new adopted Korean baby has "special needs," but we don't know what her special needs are. Next: Will weight gain destroy Renée Zellweger's relationship? She's getting cozy with Bradley Cooper, but now she has to pack on pounds for the Bridget Jones sequel. The mag says: "Now… she has a man she wants to stay in shape for." Next, there are more shots of Jennifer Aniston's tummy, and her hand on her tummy (See image 7). Margaret thinks it is a conspiracy, cooked up by Jen herself, to get people talking. In The Baster, Jen plays a woman who opts for artificial insemination to have a baby; when asked if that's in the cards for her, Jen said: "I'm ready for anything — bring it on!" So the magazine presents a sidebar called "Who Will She Ask?" Meaning: For sperm. The nominees are Gerard Butler, Jen's hairstylist, and John Mayer. Lastly: There are cliques on the set of the Twilight flick! Kellan Lutz, who plays vampire Emmet Cullen, says: "All of the humans usually stick together. And all the wolves do. And the vampires. We try to mix it up, but it's just something that happens."
Grade: D- ("I'm Lovin' It")

In Touch
"Brad's Moving Out."
This entire story is based on Brad flying to Spain for the San Sebastian International Film Festival. It only lasts a week, but the mag says "Brad has been living out of a suitcase for more than a week." Angie supposedly kicked him out if the house and said this time it's for good, because he didn't want to go with her to Ethiopia. He's been looking at apartments in Paris… which is 500 miles away from where his kids live, Chateau Mirval. Jessica Simpson "can't handle" another loss. A concerned friend says she's not eating or sleeping and is "barely functioning" since Daisy disappeared. The friend adds: "It's the worst thing that ever happened to her." The mag continues: "Jessica's pooch has been loyal to her in a way that no man has ever been." Next: "Is Jon A Sex Addict? His Women Speak Out." Jon Gosselin's rep says he's "flattered" that women claim to have been with him, but he's only been with one woman: Hailey. Stephanie Santoro says Jon is not shy about picking up strangers: If his friends spot a good-looking girl, he asks them for a picture of their breasts. Dr. Judy Kuransky, who does not treat Jon, thinks he is a sex addict. A friend of Kate Gosselin's says Jon has turned into a male slut. Someone else says that Stephanie and Jon had sex in the basement of Jon's house while a friend watched, and it was Jon's idea. Kate Major says one time her father called her while she was with Jon and Jon said, "Did you tell your dad he's going to be a stepgrandfather to 8 kids?" Moving along: The real reason Avril Lavigne is separating from Deryck Whibley? She's having a relationship with Brandon Davis. Last year Deryck texted Brandon: Stay away from my wife. But recently, Brandon gave Avril an ultimatum; he likes her but doesn't want to date a married woman. Then there's a six page thing called "Celebrity Weight Debate: How Thin Is Too Thin?" 100% of readers think Posh is "scary skinny." 71% of readers think Lindsay looks "unhealthy." And so on. Finally: Friends want Kanye West to go to rehab. A group of his pals confronted him in an "informal intervention" because he was chugging Hennessy on the red carpet before the MTV Awards. "They fear he's going to destroy his career if he continues to act like a fool." The only source in this story is an employee at a hotel in Hawaii where Kanye has stayed, who says: "He hangs out at the Veranda bar and drinks expensive liquor." And who wouldn't? There's a sidebar about how much he's changed since his mother died — now he hangs with a "wild crowd" which includes — gasp! — Amber Rose, who "used to be a stripper, has posed nude and has dated women, too."
Grade: C, downgraded to D for ridiculous cover story ("Like I Love You")

Us
"Heartbreak And A New Tragedy."
Since Daisy's disappearance, Jessica Simpson has been distraught. A witness saw Jess at a birthday dinner on September 19 and says: "She looked really down and didn't eat much." The mag adds: "Drinking wine and sangria was not a problem, especially when the music of her ex-boyfriend, John Mayer, started blasting throughout the Italian wine bar." A source says: "Daisy was her baby. She's devastated… She isn't sleeping, barely eating, and is crying her eyes out. She feels like she's being punished for something. Jessica is very spiritual and relates things back to God." Next: Emmy Rossum, 23, is dating Adam Duritz, 45. He Tweeted: "She's the coolest chick I've ever met." We bet! In Brad and Angelina news: Even though there were tabloid reports that the twins, Knox and Vivienne, had health issues, which is why they were never seen, a source says "They're perfectly healthy." There are four pages of Kourtney Kardashian explaining why she's with her ex, who sperminated her, in "Why I Took Scott Back." When asked what do you love about Kourtney? Scott replied: "I think she's gorgeous. I think her body's perfect. And there is no one in the world I care more about making happy." Translation: She's hot and I knocked her up. Chynna Phillips, whose half sister Mackenzie has just dropped the bomb that she had sex with their father, says: "After long nights of heroin use, she's claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her. Was he actually raping her? I don't know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and it went on for 10 years? Yes." Also inside, in Gosselin news, a source says that Judy, the kids' main nanny, might as well be their mother: "She spends more time with them than anyone." Lastly: Dustin Diamond's tell-all spills juicy secrets about the Saved By The Bell cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar took steroids; castmembers hooked up after the cameras stopped rolling; Mario Lopez was once investigated for date rape.
Grade: D+ ("Señorita")

Star
"Reliving Their Nightmare"
John Travolta is going to be called as a witness in his extortion case in the Bahamas, which will make him "relive his nightmare." A friend says: "It's like Jett is dying all over again." Angie and Brad have had "their biggest blow up ever!" When Angie was in Ethiopia with Shiloh and Zahara, she met an Ethiopian girl in an orphanage she wanted to adopt — even her daughters met this girl and hugged her as they were leaving. Brad doesn't want to adopt again so soon, and he accused Angie of being "like a kid in the pet store, wanting all the cute puppies." She screamed at him that these weren't dogs — these were children. The mag claims that Angie's already started the paperwork and things are going forward. Moving on: Kelis and Nas are back together! They reunited after spending quality time with their 2-month-old son and had a long talk about making it work. Next: Pamela Anderson is a "dead beat diva." She's had a number of liens filed against her, totally more than $1.2 million. She hired a bunch of contractors to work on her house in Malibu and is now refusing to pay. You know how David Hasslehoff went to the hospital last week? The mag claims it was from alcohol poisoning. His daughter Hayley found him half-conscious; but he denies that he was drunk and says his ear medication mixed with his anti-alcoholic drugs caused the problem. Still: Hayley rolled her eyes when she heard that excuse and he allegedly had alcohol on his breath and a glass of vodka near him when she found him. A surgeon who does not treat Courtney Love says "she's definitely had work on her eyes, cheeks, chin and lips." Duh! (See image 6). Robert Pattinson is "tired of his sex symbol image," so he stuck a picture of himself on a dartboard in his trailer. He takes shot at it, and asks everyone else to do the same. And! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart made out in the dressing room of a store in Toronto — they came out "mussed up and breathing heavily." Blind item! "Which actor refused to take pictures at the premiere of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs because he thought he was too sweaty? Hyperhidrosis or hyperdiva?" Hailey Glassman got a boob job! Another magazine said she had surgery for a cyst in her leg; but this mag says she got the "lollipop lift" that makes one breast smaller and lifts them both. A "friend" says Hailey confided: "I feel like I need to compete with all the other perfect girls going after Jon." Hailey would also like to straighten her hair and get "whiter, bigger" teeth. Jon will get lipo on his pot belly. Finally: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are experiencing "trouble in paradise." Justin went to an MTV VMA afterparty where Rihanna sat on his lap and they grinded; then he freaked when someone took a picture. A source says of Justin and Rihanna: "He's been sweating her for a long time… Rihanna thinks he's hot and would definitely date him." Justin and Jess were spotted walking their dogs on September 16 but weren't holding hands or speaking to each other and Jess looked miserable. A few days later, Justin went to the Emmys alone, and flirted with Olivia Wilde.
Grade: C- ("SexyBack")

Ok!
"Wedding Of The Year."
Margaret says that this is one of the silliest cover stories she has ever read. And this is the third cover in a row claiming that these stars are engaged, but in which the story inside is just details about Twilight movie Breaking Dawn. The mag says "each stage of the twosome's love story mirrors Stephenie Meyer's cult vampire saga." But Niki Reed and Dakota Fanning will probably be Kristen's bridesmaids and Kristen will probably wear a white sundress and get married on the beach. Apparently Rob and Kristen have "raw animal lust" for each other and if Rob and Kristen continue to mimic the plot of Twilight, fans could soon be on "bump watch." And the kid will be named Clules Pattinson, which is a combination of Claire and Jules, Rob and Kristen's mothers' names, cuz in the book — well, you know. Next: Evan Rachel Wood is dating Alexander Skarsgard! Brad and Angelina would like to adopt a baby AND have another biological one. Finally: Two pages of "candid" pictures of Nadya Suleman working out and hanging out in a park with her babies — complete with wardrobe change (See image 6).
Grade: [Academic probation]

Star
"It's For Real!"
The mag goes on and on about Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler's "romantic dinner date" but we read somewhere else that it was a table for six and there were like four other people there. Anyway, a few days later she was lonely and "he could tell that she was hurting" so went over to her place with wine and Chinese takeout. An insider says: "Jen joked to him that they'd make beautiful babies. Gerard just laughed, but her point was made." Why do they always make it seem like she's trying to get some sperm up in her uterus?!?! Next: "Mariah's Packing On The Pounds Again" because her career stinks and she has no baby. (See image 7) Blind item! "Which celebrity mom is a secret smoker? She puffs away in private and then hides the smell by applying lots of Purell and perfume. Plus, she chews gum after lighting up to mask her breath." Next: Marci Santoro says her daughter Stephanie was "duped" by Jon Gosselin — he promised her a new car, a job, a house, and a lifetime with him, only to dump her! Jon told Stephanie she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant because he'd had a vasectomy; also, Stephanie saw text messages from Kate Major that said, "How could you do this to me? You told me you wanted to spend your life with me." Trainwreck. Uh, the mag printed this sentence: "Now that Lindsay Lohan has been named artistic adviser to French Fashion label Ungaro, she may want to design herself some long-sleeved outfits — to hide her fresh cutting marks!" A source says LL is on prescription drugs and those around her are ready to stage an intervention. Lastly: We learned that DJ AM had a fling with Paris Hilton, the best friend of his ex-fiance, Nicole Richie.
Grade: D (mysterious sheet stains)

Us
"Inside His Final Days."
In addition to a pretty good Patrick Swayze story, the mag also had a "Puffy Puckers" page featuring the "trout pouts" — excessively puffy lips of some famous ladies (See image 8). Next: Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan went to what she thought was Samantha Ronson's hotel room, and when she couldn't reach Sam, she threw a room service tray at the door. The guest staying in the room came out and confronted her; she claimed he assaulted her; police were called; LL was kicked out of the hotel. In Kanye vs. Taylor news, Taylor was crying backstage but had to perform less than 10 minutes later. After her performance, she broke down again. Eminem wanted to have her come up on stage during his acceptance speech, but MTV told him that Beyoncé was going to do it and already knew she was going to win (?!?!). Anyway — Kanye chugging Hennessy on the red carpet might have had something to do with his outburst, but also Kanye thinks of Beyoncé as a sister and "gets really worked up at award shows." Moving on: Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley will be filing divorce papers shortly; she told him she's leaving him and wants him to move out of their Bel-Air mansion. Lastly, this mag is such a tattletale! The editors love calling out the other mags for their "fake news." (See image 9).
Grade: D+ (mysterious towel stains)

Life & Style
"Destroying Her Little Sister."
Lindsay took her 15-year-old sister Ali to Crown Bar in L.A. and they partied until 1 AM. Then they went to a different bar, where they were both "smoking like chimneys" and dancing. A source says Ali was "flirting heavily" with 29-year-old Jason Segel, the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Lindsay's been drinking and taking Adderall and exposing Ali to all that and so on, and she doesn't think it's wrong because her mother did it with her. And Lindsay and Dina talk about everything — drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. — in front of Ali. Next: Jennifer Aniston is still dating Gerard Butler, but has also revived her relationship with John Mayer. A source says that John and Jen went to Courteney Cox and David Arquette's house for dinner recently. Jason Trawick, Britney's manager, is dating a woman who looks like Britney. From the back, anyway. She's blonde.
Grade: C (mysterious sock stains)

In Touch
Nanny Stephanie Santoro granted an interview to this mag and claims she has been having a "passionate affair" with Jon Gosselin for six weeks. She says she met Jon a few years ago at a Twins Convention (?!?!?!). He told her, "Don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you." This conversation was had in a hot tub. Then they had sex. They've had sex nine times, and the nanny says: "It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I've ever had." The kids have asked her if she will be their new mommy. Stephanie also says Jon smokes pot, sometimes outside the house while the kids are home. In a related story called "My Wild Threesome With Jon," Samantha Sterling, a self-described "Vegas Girl," says she met Jon at a hotel. Jon proposed a threesome; she called a friend; they snorted coke and they all had sex. The next night, Jon drank vodka, watched the two ladies strip and then had sex with one of them without a condom. Also inside: Oprah wanted to interview Whitney Houston because Oprah has smoked crack. No, really. Usher has "fallen" for "another cougar," this time it's a 42-year-old music exec named Grace. "Angelina's Starving For Brad's Attention" is all about how Angie went to a refugee camp in Kenya but more importantly she was TOO SKINNY. A body image expert who does not treat her thinks she has lost 15 lbs. since the Inglourious Basterds premiere in July. A "friend" says: "Angelina isn't stupid and she's extremely manipulative, she knows that by cutting back on her food, Brad will notice that she's dropped weight and worry about her." Moving along: John Mayer has told Jessica that she is his soulmate, even though he is secretly seeing Jennifer Aniston, and promising that he wants to have babies with Jen.
Grade: C+ (mysterious t-shirt stains)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Ok!
"Rob Risks It All For Kristen"
Even though the cover talks about an "engagement" and the "future of Twilight" being in jeopardy, the story inside is about how fans would upset IF Rob and Kristen actually got married. Producers are asking Rob and Kristen to keep their relationship under wraps so that Kristen's romance with Taylor the Buff Werewolf is more believable. A source says that Rob is so in love with Kristen he's completely absorbed with her and it's a miracle he can even remember his lines and so on and so forth. Moving on: Farrah Fawcett's college sweetheart Gregg Lott says that they reunited in 1997 after she broke up with Ryan O'Neal, but kept it quiet so as not to upset Redmond. Still, they corresponded the whole time, and Lott has proof: Love letters, printed in the mag! Lastly: Lindsay Lohan's lips are certainly plump! A cosmetic surgeon who does not treat her thinks she is having Restylane injections. A source says she's had the maximum number of treatments permitted — over eight different sessions — and she wants more. (See image 6)
Grade: F (Fen-phen)

Us
"Sex And The City Secrets"
Charlotte has two kids! Miranda has to confront her workaholism! Samantha has to deal with downsizing her spending after some bad investments! Plus: Things are complicated with Smith Jerrod! Big maybe moves to London and maybe cheats on Carrie and she maybe leaves him and maybe finds out that she is pregnant! Next: Insiders say that Angelina and Brad have been trying to get pregnant for two months. Rihanna's dad saw a picture of her topless in Italian Vogue and said the photo was "disturbing." Of Chris Brown on Larry King, her dad said: "The costume he wore was so funny. That bow tie thing? He needs to bury that."
Grade: D- (ephedra)

Life & Style
"Get Thin Fast"
This story is a giant ad for QuickTrim, a diet supplement found at GNC. Khloe and Kim Kardashian, who pose with a measuring tape wrapped around their bellies, will appear in ads for the pill. Moving on: "Stabbed In The Heart" is the title of the Jessica Simpson story, but she was not actually stabbed, people. Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford, the Gossip Girl guy's sister. Here, you'll find a whole bunch of stuff about how unlucky in love Jessica is. A "friend" of Jess's says: "Does it add insult to injury that this girl is younger and slimmer? Sure." Next, more secrets from Sex And The City 2 : There will be a gay wedding between Stanford and Anthony Marentino! Liza Minnelli will be there! Carrie will have '80s flashback scenes! Samantha copes with menopause! A trip to Morocco! Miranda gets a new job! And, even though SJP had her mole removed, Carrie still has hers, through the magic of makeup. Next: Scheana Marie Jancan claims she had a three-year affair with Eddie Cibrian, and when he started up with LeAnn Rimes, he just stopped calling Scheana. She says: "Eddie's with LeAnn now, but it's just a fling. Eddie cheated on Brandi, he cheated on me, he's going to do it again." Pete Wentz is fighting to save his marriage to Ashlee Simpson: She's been getting "too drunk" in public and she's smoking a lot and "thinner than ever." An "insider" says: "She's so thin, she's lost her boobs. She's just an A cup now." Poor thing, no reason to live! There are a few pix here from Michael Jackson's funeral on September 3 — his kids put a crown on his coffin and guest had to wait for an hour for the ceremony to start, because Katherine Jackson was too emotional to get ready. Jon Gosselin has lost 15 lbs. by cutting out fried foods and soft drinks. Unsolicited uterus update: "My uterus is really flattered that everyone cares, but sorry, no occupants." — Anna Paquin. Jennifer Aniston was spotted wearing a gold Rolex that John Mayer gave her, so it's totally secret signal! Plus they have been talking and texting. "Robert: I Want To Disappear" is about how Mr. Pattinson used to be a nice guy but has become "moody and withdrawn" because being chased by Twihards is a rough way to live. "Even at the most remote places I can imagine, someone will ask me for a picture with them or an autograph. I haven't found one place in the world yet where I can disappear," he says. Lastly: "Melrose Place: Then And Now" is a plastic surgery wonderland! Dr. Rey thinks Daphne Zuniga needs Botox, fillers, an endoscopic brow lift, a mid-face lift and a lower eye lift. I like Heather Locklear's old nose. (See image 7)
Grade: D- (QuickTrim)

Star
"Kardashians At War"
Kim is jealous of her sisters because Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami is a success. "Kim thinks she's worked hard to get where she is, and that her sisters are just riding her coattails," a source spills. But, um, didn't she make a sex tape to get where she is? And she's a producer on that show. Does not compute. Anyway: Kim hogs all the swag designers send to their parents' house and her sisters think she acts like a diva and call her Queen Bee behind her back. Also, Kim thinks she's the first one who should have become a mother so she's upset about Kourtney's pregnancy. Kourtney is being a "momzilla" and asking Kim to ask Vicky Beckham Christina Aguilera to her baby shower, but Kim is like, I don't even know those people. Meanwhile, Kendall is 13 and wants to be a star like her sisters. She wants to be a model, so she wears crop tops and short-shorts around town in the hopes of being photographed. The other kid, Kylie, is 12, and she wants to be an actress, but was seen pole dancing. (See image 8 — and check out the Jezebel scans. We're famous!) Moving along: Blind item! "Which party-girl turned entrepreneur never leaves home without her stash? She checked a few tote bags with a bell hop, who later found they were filled with cocaine." Next: Ellen Pompeo's husband Chris Ivery cheated on her (while she was pregnant) with a hostess named Rachel from a restaurant in Boston. Rachel tells the mag: "I didn't mean to hurt Ellen, it just seemed like fun at the time." Angelina Jolie has a secret diary! "Behind closed doors, she's paranoid, jealous and erratic — and she admits it all in her personal diary." Apparently she thinks Brad is cheating on her because he travels so much, she hates that he goes boar-hunting with the locals and she even complains that Brad doesn't put the soap back in the shower the right way. Next: Nicole Richie wants to get married. Now. She's freaked out by DJ AM's death and realizes that life is fragile and short. Ben Affleck has been flirting with Blake Lively on the set of their movie The Town. They went out to eat after filming a sex scene and people on the set say he's acting like a lovesick teenager. He complains that Jennifer Garner is in "mom mode" and isn't the "sexy fun girl" he married.
Grade: D (Hydroxycut)

In Touch
"Desperate Hookup"
"In a state of desperation and loneliness" Jessica Simpson has been hooking up with her ex, John Mayer. John "swooped in" after hearing about her breakup and previewed his album for her, which is all about relationships. A "pal" says, "It wasn't hard for John to close the deal after that." Next: LeAnn Rimes met with a real estate agent to find a new house. A real estate agent who did not work with LeAnn says: "They're called second marriage homes, they're for people who want homes that don't remind them of where they lived with their previous spouses." The story called "Hailey Dumps An Unfaithful Jon" is about how Hailey Glassman broke up with Jon Gosselin after his debaucherous trip to Las Vegas — apparently there were pictures of girls in bikinis and text messages from girls he was partying with on his phone, and she saw them. Brad Pitt — who produced the Time Traveler's Wife — invited Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana to Chateau Miraval but then Angelina Jolie freaked out and made Brad say he had food poisoning so they wouldn't come. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been Tweeting about how much they love each other and making out in public ever since last week's Star cover story about their loveless marriage. Jennifer Garner is "anything but fat" but can't seem to lose the last remaining pounds she gained when she was pregnant. Now she's worried Ben Affleck will return to his "Playboy ways," especially since he has a lithe younger costar, Blake Lively.
Grade: D+ (placebo)

We hack the pages of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Us and Life& Style, in the gallery below.

Ok!
"Engaged!"
This story is ridiculous, because the "proposal" being referred to "on set" is the one happening as part of the plot of Eclipse when Edward asks Bella to marry him. But! The magazine prints the sentence: "Life might just imitate art." Kristen Stewart apparently jokes around with Robert Pattinson on set, saying things like, "Has anyone seen my husband?" Next: Halle Berry is obviously pregnant because she went to Nobu with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, held her bag in front of her stomach, wouldn't eat any raw fish and refused to drink the complimentary wine sent to the table. Lastly: Rihanna still has feelings for Chris Brown, according to a friend. "She gets missing Chris and the shit starts all over. A kiss and a slap, a kiss and a slap. Right now she's feeling strong, but she's switched gears in the past and taken him back."
Grade: F (hard drive corrupted)

Life & Style
"Inside Shiloh's World"
Angelina Jolie took Shiloh to Corsica for the day and they split a panini. Shiloh's taste buds are becoming more sophisticated, blah blah blah. She told her parents, "I want to do what mommy and daddy do for a living," so expect her to be taking over Hollywood any day now. Moving along: The Spears family had a reunion when Britney flew her mom, sister and the baby to Miami to spend time with her, her dad and her kids. Michael Lohan says he now accepts Lindsay and Sam's relationship and apologizes for anything bad he might have said about Sam in the past. Next, a source says Michael Jackson told his doctors that he couldn't have children because he'd been kicked in the groin during his youth. Was it Joe? Lastly, Holly Madison says, "Plastic surgery changed my life." She had a nose job and breast implants and says surgery "made it easier to get things I wanted in my career. Without it I wouldn't be where I am today. Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot. I was comparing myself to the other girls. Hef always said he didn't want me to get anything done." If you're interested in her old nose, you're in luck (Image 6).
Grade: D- (Gmail down)

Us
"Their Exes Speak Out"
Lots of pictures of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian frolicking on the beach in Mexico together! The two went on a four-day trip to celebrate LeAnn's 27th birthday. Sources claim that Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville — the respective spouses — are becoming friends. Now, there's nothing in here about Dean being gay, but he "broke his silence" and talked to Us at an August 29th performance of Wicked on Broadway. Dean and LeAnn "talk every day" says a friend. "He's trying to date, but it's hard, because she's so controlling. She was like the man of the house." Moving on: Is Britney "smarter in glasses"? 83% say No (Image 7). Despite his ongoing flirtation with Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler is "pretty much dating every girl in New York City," says a source. Lastly: Us calls out Demi Moore for claiming never to have had plastic surgery. Maybe she doesn't consider Botox or facial fillers to be "surgery," but what about the implants (Image 8)?
Grade: D- (AIM worm)

Star
"Loveless Marriage"
Apparently when Tori and Dean first met, they were working on a TV movie together, and Dean thought Tori "looked like a horse" and joked that she'd need a paper bag over her head for him to kiss her. But he planned on making friends with her because she'd be a good contact. So the gist of this is that he only married her for money and fame and doesn't care about her. Yawn. Moving on: Stephanie Pratt's new lips "look natural" according to Dr. Paul Jarrod Frank, who does not treat her (Image 9). Britney Spears has been begging Jason Trawick to come back, texting and emailing constantly, and asking, "Don't you miss me?" Blind item! "Which hunky actor and his equally hot actress wife were recently seen snorting lines of cocaine at the Chateau Marmont? When spotted, they took the party back to their room." Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are "playing house." They're both off promoting things now, but when she gets back to LA she's going to live with him at his place; he's set up a bathroom she can call her own! He may pop the question by the end of the year. Pregnant Nicole Richie "almost collapsed with grief" when she heard about DJ AM, says an insider. Now Joel Madden and her parents are worried because she's not really eating; a doctor has put her on bed rest. Lastly: A story claims that Ashlee Simpson "kicked Pete Wentz out" because she discovered evidence of him cheating on her, but never says what the evidence was, and also claims that she left the house in a fury and checked into a hotel. So how is that kicking him out? Oh, she did call him and say, "Don't bother coming home." Anyway, she is now on the Pete Diet; he gets her so upset, she can't eat.
Grade: D- (iPhone frozen)

In Touch
"Separated!"
A house divided! Angelina and Brad are "not only sleeping in separate beds, they are sleeping on opposite ends of the property." According to a "friend." Brad used to be "happy, gregarious and social," but Angelina "picks holes in his personality" and "belittles him on every subject possible from his parenting to his lack of knowledge about current affairs." An insider says Brad is really shy now and uses booze as a crutch to socialize now. He drinks to escape his inner turmoil! Plus, Brad purchased Chateau Miraval's winery, and the mag asks: "Is it really A good idea for Brad to buy a vineyard?" Because Brad and Angie feel "guilty" about their "crumbling relationship," they're spoiling the kids: They have theme days! Everyone dresses up as characters from movies or books, like James Bond or Harry Potter. "They had a Wizard Day, with magic potion punch to drink, and they had to solve clues to go to wizard college," spills a source. Next: Ever since Jason Trawick broke up with Britney Spears, her dad Jamie Spears has been trying to keep her busy so she doesn't go crazy again. Apparently Jason made Britney feel "beautiful and sane." Jermaine Dupri has been seen with other women since breaking up with Janet Jackson, and now her "baby dreams are shattered." A doctor had encouraged her to freeze her eggs, but this story doesn't say whether she did or not. But, the mag helpfully points out, "at least she has Michael's kids." A friend of Madonna's says she's casually dating Jesus but still considers Sean Penn her soul mate and it's "highly possible" that she and Sean will get back together now that he's getting divorced, even though Sean and Madonna got married TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO. Lastly: "Was Lindsay Really Robbed?" Looking closely at the surveillance video images of the alleged burglar, it seems like maybe Lindsay Lohan robbed herself (Image 10). Was it so she wouldn't have to give the jewelry back? Was it so she could break her lease? Michael Lohan says it was an inside job and that the person "tried to make themselves look like Lindsay." But did Lindsay try to look like a burglar looking like Lindsay? Because that would be meta. Anyway: Lindsay has also maybe been cutting herself again (Image 11), which the mag calls a cry for help.
Grade: D (Facebook firewall)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

US
"Kendra & Kourtney Talk Baby!"
Everything you never wanted to know about these ladies, who are both due in December. Kendra found out she was pregnant in the bathroom of a baggage claim area in an airport. Kendra says: "We weren't trying, but we didn't use a condom that night." Kendra also says now that she's knocked up, "I've been hornier." There's more, about stuff coming out of Kendra's nipples and breastfeeding with implants and "crowning moments" and so on. Also inside: A source in Chris Brown's entourage says: "If anyone says Rihanna, people in his camp say, 'We don't use that name around here.'" Lastly: Jon Gosselin had a makeout session with University of Connecticut senior Katie Hudd on August 18 at the Foxwoods Resort. A pal who is a waitress at the casino and took pictures; and the manager of the place says he's seen them. Jon's rep says the girl just asked for a kiss on the cheek "and he obliged."
Grade: F (botched face lift)

In Touch
"Catfight Of The Year: Octomom Slams Kate"
It sounds like a wrestling match, but it's a story is based on comments Nadya Suleman made in the documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. Nadya said Kate Gosselin's tummy tuck was "cheating" and that Kate was "desperate for fame" and that the show was "fake." So Kate is livid and thinks that Nadya is trying to get revenge, since Kate was asked to be in the documentary and just ignored the request. Since Kate wouldn't show up, Nadya talked about Kate instead. Don't forget to check out the "Worse Mom" side-by-side comparison (Fig. 1). Yawn. Next: Jason Trawick has dumped Britney Spears because she is too clingy. The mag wonders: Will push her over the edge again? Apparently Britney was serious about Jason, but he saw the relationship as casual. A "friend" says: "All Britney wants is a husband. Jason just couldn't deal with that." Katie Holmes is rebelling against her marriage to Tom Cruise by overeating. Since she's been filming in Australia, she's been eating chocolate, potato chips and pizza — and gained five pounds. "Brad Pitt Finally Admits: It Won't Last." Apparently when Brad talked to Ann Curry, he said: "Someday, it won't always be there… I don't look forward to that day, so… the greater the love, the greater the loss." This mag interprets this stoner babble as his "process of separating from Angelina." Even though Brad and Angie are living together at Chateau Miraval, "they're actually living separate lives." The next page has a bunch of happy pictures of the couple and the kids at a pet store. Angelina is supposedly "miserable" yet smiling and petting a hamster. Lastly: Some of the stars on "dangerous diets" include Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba and Taylor Momsen.
Grade: F (crooked eye job)

Life & Style
"How I Stay Thin!"
Jennifer Aniston stopped getting Zone diet delivery meals about six years ago when she hired personal chefs. She has this no-carb diet where she loses 5 pounds in 5 days by eating protein and veggies, blah blah blah. A source says: "She's not skinny, she's perfectly fit." Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have only been dating for 3 months but Kate "already wants A-Rod to stop playing the field." "She's brought up marriage to him," says a pal. And she has "baby on the brain," and brought her parents to a baseball game. But a body language expert says he's just that not into her. What do you do when your sorta-shocking nude tape gets leaked? Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are trying to bring an innocent child into the world! A source says she's three months along, and this little McSteamy will "save" their marriage. Jon Gosselin says his kids staged a "sit-in revolt" and didn't want to work when the TLC cameras were trying to film recently. An eyewitness says the crew was yelling at the kids to stay outside and keep filming, but the kids seemed really tired. But the crew kept pushing them. This article ends thusly: "While Daddy pursues other projects, and Mommy disappears on her days off, the eight children are left behind. And sadly, the only people guaranteed to be there for them are the ones operating the cameras." Sob!
Grade: F (horrific nose job)

Ok!
"Angie Tells Brad: Sleep On The Couch!"
This story's angle? Angie is a bad mom because she works. Brad wanted her to focus on the family and not her career; then Brad found a box of scripts and a fight ensued. Angie stormed out and told Brad to sleep on the couch. More reasons they're "at the breaking point": Brad wants Angelina to reconcile with her dad, because he doesn't believe in holding grudges. Also a problem? Brad's "embarrassing weight gain" — he's put on 10 pounds and has been seen at Dunkin' Donuts and pizza parlors — Angie finds his new belly unattractive. And his drinking could also be a factor. He's hoping that by doing some kind of Eat Clean diet "she'll fall in love with him all over again." Moving along: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper went to see District 9 in NYC's Battery Park City and she offered to pay, but Bradley wouldn't let her. They were trying not to be spotted, but he was wearing sunglasses at night. They ate Junior Mints and M&Ms. A friend says: "She's not losing herself in the relationship or pushing the guy into marriage." Unlike Aniston!!! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's "sexual spark" might "explode" when they start filming Eclipse. An insider says: "Rob always thought Kris was gorgeous, but when he saw her in San Diego, he was blown away. The young girl he left behind in June had blossomed into a sexy rocker goddess." The Joan Jett haircut gets 'em every time. Jason Trawick was seen at Crown Bar in LA, surrounded by girls. Poor Britney!
Grade: F (terrible chemical peel)

Star
"Torn Apart By Grief"
John Travolta is really depressed about the death of his son Jett and has been holed up in his room watching movies and eating ice cream; Kelly Preston has been throwing herself into work and will play Miley Cyrus's mom in a new flick. Lindsay's reps deny that she got lip filler, but these pictures of Lindsay — and 14-year-old sister Ali — do not lie (Fig. 2). Shania Twain is getting married to the ex-husband of the woman who had an affair with her husband. It's a husband swap! Kate Gosselin made a handwritten list of her expenses, which she took to Kinko's to copy. A paparazzo zoomed in and took a photograph, so now we know that Kate pays $150 a month for cable and $5,000 a month for personal security. "Faking It For The Kids" — That's what Brad and Angie are doing. The relationship is on the rocks, but they don't want to upset the children. Through some long heart-to-hearts, Angie is persuading Brad to start over. By the by, in the midst of this "turmoil," Brad and Angie are in the process of buying Chateau Miraval, which they were renting. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have gone public with their affair and will marry when their divorces are finalized. A sources says "She's already subscribed to Bride's magazine." Last, but not least, the mag calls Mary-Kate Olsen "bloated," and says her "weight gain" is "shocking" — and that at 130 lbs. something must be wrong. "Bye-bye, billion dollar looks, hello bloat!" Nice way to treat a woman with an eating disorder (Fig 3).
Grade: F (scary brow lift)

Fig. 1

Fig 2 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3 (click to enlarge)

Ok!
"How I Lost 41 Lbs Without Surgery!"
As you may know — because The View has been covering it extensively — Sherri Shepherd was on a diet and fitness plan. The only way that this story is different from the usual celebrity diet story is there's a picture with tuna on a salad as a lunch suggestion, instead of chicken. Also, Sherri doesn't want to get a breast reduction, because those are the boobs God gave her. Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart cuddled at a Kings Of Leon concert and — "while the band played 'Sex On Fire' — sucked serious face." Lindsay Lohan was being considered for a movie version of the novel Undiscovered Gyrl, but the author says that LL's fame and baggage would work against her. The book is about a teen blogging about her sexual coming-of-age, and Miley Cyrus is interested, but the author thinks Miley is too wholesome. Lastly: "Jen Tells Renée: You Can Have Bradley." Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper were both seeing other people when they went on their date; Jen is bored the whole thing and is fine with Bradley dating Renée. "She's less interested in Renée than in why she'd choose a guy who'd be interested in someone like Renée. She's disappointed in herself more than anything…"
Grade: F (mystery meat with freezer burn)

Star
"Celebs Who Beat Cellulite!" BREAKING: Cellulite happens. And it's fun for some mags to ignore the big picture and just pick apart a woman's anatomy! Still our LEAST favorite kind of cover story, and we've bared our dimpled asses for the world to see! Uma Thurman had "lymphatic drainage massage." Britney Spears ate turkey burgers and worked out. Jennifer Love Hewitt started working out four to five times a week. Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham increased their workout frequencies; Amanda Bynes no longer eats pizza at midnight. And so forth. Then there is the section called "Cellu-Losers," with the subhead "Don't Give Up, Girls!" where the magazine had to try really really hard to find cellulite on Tara Reid, Kristin Cavallari and Annalynne McCord. There are no men in this eight-page extravaganza, by the by. Moving on: Jamie-Lynn Spears and Gwyneth Paltrow were both spotted not wearing marriage/engagement rings. Report them to the relationship cops! Lookee: High school yearbook photos (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which comedian's not-so-funny sexual comments caused his costar to walk off the set of their upcoming film? The crew found it hysterical, but the target had to be begged to come back." Justin Ross Lee, the "Facebook celebrity" who photographed Ashley Olsen while she was on a plane, recently shared a five-hour flight from LA to NYC with Brad Pitt, and snapped pix of the actor sleeping and eating, then sold them to Star. Kourtney Kardashian's family wants her to dump baby daddy Scott Disick, who has cheated on her in the past. They broke off their engagement because he wouldn't stop flirting with other women. KK thinks the pregnancy is great for raising her profile and wants to open a children's clothing store in L.A. and design a maternity line. Re: Kate Gosselin and the cops: Apparently Cara And Mady saw Jon Gosselin getting touchy-feely with the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, and freaked out and called their mom. A source says that Stephanie is the one who called the cops. The mag includes an interview with Stephanie's former boyfriend, who says she has a thing for married men and got pregnant by a guy she was working for. Lastly: An inspired Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart headline: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."
Grade: D- (frozen peas)

In Touch:
"The Fight To End All Fights."
Trouble in paradise for Tom and Katie! Tom Cruise went to visit Katie Holmes while she was filming in Australia. First they argued because he stopped to greet fans on his way to see her; she flipped out and he stormed off the set. The next fight was at their hotel, where Tom was watching Suri and she wanted to watch cartoons instead of going for a walk with him. He thinks Katie is spoiling Suri because she works long hours and by the time she comes home, she's tired and just lets Suri do whatever she wants. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat Tom or Katie, says: Suri is learning that relationships between men and women involve squabbling. And that Katie was "lost in lust" during the courtship, but now they're both surprised/disappointed by one another's behavior. And! Tom and Katie need therapy. Moving on: Britney is "once again displaying dangerous mood swings" since she had a "crazed" 15-minute shopping spree where her eyes were "glassy." Why is Brad Pitt drinking so much? He was smashed at the premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife, which he produced. Angelina refused to go to the premiere because Brad bought it as a vehicle for himself and then-wife Jennifer Aniston, and Jen called to wish him luck before the premiere, which made Angie "hit the roof." An insider says Brad is having a "sort of mid life crisis" since he joked recently, "I'm just a drunk." Next: "Have These Stars Had Boob Jobs?" is a closer look at the chests of Jennifer Aniston, Anna Faris, Drew Barrymore, Brooke Hogan, Leona Lewis, Haylie Duff and Ciara.
Grade: D (half-melted Creamsicles)

Us
"Why He Chose Renée"
So. Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger: "It's on," says a source. This article was written by someone on Team Renée, because it is very derogatory towards Jennifer Aniston. A source says Jen feels "rejected and upset" and "screwed over" and "doesn't see what Renée has that she doesn't." But! Another source points out that guys like Renée because she is "so no-drama," "she just does her thing, has her life, and is cool." Also: "She's really happy, she doesn't need anyone to feel complete. She isn't absorbed by Hollywood." Whereas Jennifer "won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment - -what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight." And! Bradley Cooper once said, when it comes to a woman: "I'd say authenticity is the only prerequisite." Apparently Jennifer Aniston is "not natural" and everything she does "is an act." Renée is "super fun" and is always "laughing and optimistic about life." And! "People want to be with her because she makes them happy." Moving along: Michelle Trachtenberg and Jason Segel: Spotted "all over each other." Kate Gosselin was at a hotel with her bodyguard and they signed in as "The Michaels." So the speculation is that there's something going on there and she's been hiding it. Also, Jon thinks she's less than truthful about finances.
Grade: D+ (Fla-Vor-Ice)

Life & Style
"He's A Dirtbag." In an interview, Kate Major says that she and Jon Gosselin had three sexual encounters. "He was a great kisser, " she says. "It was amazing…" At some point they kissed in a car and Jon asked her what she thought it would be like if they slept together. She says: "We kissed, we hugged, we held hands, he'd hold me when we were asleep. I have nothing bad to say about him intimacy-wise. But I will say he likes to play." Then on July 29 he dumped her and said he was going to stay with Hailey Glassman. Kate says: "He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag." And! "Looking back now it was all pretty much sexual and that's all he had in mind." YOU THINK? The mag has a headline: "He Treats Women Like Servants — And Takes Them For Fast Food." That's because Kate Major had to pick up his dry cleaning and like McDonald's for breakfast. KM says she resigned from her job at Star because he told her he'd hire her as a personal assistant. He said he was going to Massachusetts to break up with Hailey; but then sent KM a message that said "Do not contact me again." Next: Interested in the coverline "Shiloh Saved A Village Of Kids!" ? You may be disappointed to learn that she didn't do it alone: When the little Jolie-Pitt was born, Angie and Brad sold the pictures for $4 million. Part of that money went towards 72 bicycles for two schools in Namibia. It used to take the students 2 hours to get to school, and they'd get home after dark, etc. Now, with bikes, everything is much better, and one of the kids says: "I think Angelina Jolie must be a saint. She must be a holy person." The Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart "make out" pictures are so vague that they require arrows (Fig. 2). Lastly: "Do Stars Eat Less Than We Do?" features Tori Spelling. She has cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and lamb chops for dinner, and snacks on avocados. They estimate she eats about 2,043 calories a day, and is healthy.
Grade: C (broken Eskimo Pie)

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Ok!
Missing in Action!

Us
"How He Tricked Her." If you care about The Bachelorette, then you may want to know that a body language expert found Ed Swiderski's eyes were full of lies. We don't care, so we don't want to know. Also inside: A source says that Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger are "100% seeing each other." The only reason they didn't say anything before was because he was seeing Jennifer Aniston at the same time, but wasn't as into her as she was into him. Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Splitsville. Also inside: When Jon Gosselin was home with the kids, he only played with them when the cameras were rolling. The rest of the time, he was smoking and talking on his cell phone. Jon complained to a group of photographers outside his house: "They think I'm messing around and not a good father, but I'm on my cell phone all day working, trying to make money and take care of my kids." Sparklevamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent three nights together in his hotel room. An insider says: "They're not boyfriend-girlfriend exactly, but they've definitely hooked up." And the guy who plays Bella's dad says: "If they want to date each other, fine! Look, when you're that age, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to date people you probably shouldn't date. It's all part of the growing process." See, Twilight is real, and he's afraid Sparklevamp is gonna bite Kristen. Lastly: Jessica Simpson is turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup. She was smashed at Ken Paves' birthday party! Who among us has not gotten drunk at our hairdresser's bash? Ooh, and a source says John Mayer has naked pictures of Jessica on his cell phone, and showed his friends at lunch.
Grade: F (disemvoweling)

In Touch
"Angelina Humiliates Brad."
At the Hollywood premiere of Inglourious Basterds, Angelina "literally hogged the spotlight" from Brad, "making him look foolish." She was wearing a strapless leather cocktail dress, "and completely upstaged Brad." If she hadn't gone, the headline would have been: ANGIE ABANDONS BRAD. But since she showed up, there are six pictures of the two of them, with commentary like "Their tense arrival" and "Angelina won't stand back." (Fig. 1) There's also a picture of Angelina in her black strapless leather dress next to an image of Jennifer Aniston's Elle cover, where Jen is also wearing a black leather strapless dress and the subhead reads, "Angelina Stole Jen's Look!" Another spread has a collection of pictures in which Brad is made out to be an exhausted, heavy-drinking slob now that Angie is in his life. During their relationship, "He's gone from hot to haggard." And! In the table of contents, it says, "Angelina's Wearing Brad Down." (Fig. 2) Also inside: "They Look Like Mr. T!" (Fig. 3) Lastly: Ellen Pompeo is having a girl, if you care.
Grade: F (Morse code)

Life & Style
"They're Back On!"
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared a hotel room at Chateau Marmont from August 6 to August 8, and were spotted hanging out at various events all weekend. They were photographed separately taking smoke breaks on the room's balcony. The mag claims they had dinner on the hotel's back patio and were holding and kissing. A witness says: "The alcohol helped him shed his inhibitions and they could hardly keep their hands off each other toward the end of the evening." Though the cover says "Robert confirms he's dating Kristen," this is what they mean by that: Apparently New Moon costar Nikki Reed said something like "I saw the pictures [of you and Kristen]. I thought you were going to keep it secret" to Rob on an Alaska Airlines flight, and he said, "keep your voice down." Not exactly a "confirmation." Also inside: Kim Kardashian has dyed her hair — and eyebrows — honey blond. She says: "I definitely needed a change in my life… I have this whole new outlook and personality. It had transformed my attitude." Kate Hudson's biological father, Bill Hudson, is using the magazine to try and send messages to Kate. Moving on: "Khloé: I'm Not On Cocaine." This is a teaser for Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, where you'll see that Khloé has coke in her bag. But she has a good reason! Lastly, Heidi Montag says: "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures. My skin is my accessory."
Grade: D (semaphore)

Star
"Divorce!"
The only source in this Sarah Palin "shattered marriage" story is Mercede Johnston, Levi' sister. She says Sarah and Todd are fighting all the time, and Todd ends up sleeping on the couch. Bristol used to tell Levi that Sarah and Todd would argue over the smallest things, like whose turn it was to do the dishes, and sometimes Todd would take off for days to his cabin in Eureka to get away from all the tension. Let's just remember that Mercede is 17 and is talking about her brother's ex-girlfriend's parents. She also says that after Bristol got pregnant, Todd and Sarah were yelling at each other a lot. Um, yeah. An Alaskan blog The Immoral Minority ran a headline: "Sarah And Todd Palin Are Splitsville." The blog claimed that Sarah had purchased land in Montana and was considering relocating there with the kids. Plus! After a fight, Sarah threw her wedding ring into Lake Lucille. An insider says the couple might come to a financial agreement for Todd to stay with Sarah and "give the impression of a loving husband" — at least through her book tour next year. Related: 15-year-old Willow Palin was caught on video drinking vodka (with a chaser of Mountain Dew) and taking a hit off of a joint at a party. Also inside: Like us, Star now watches for Photoshop of Horrors (Fig. 4). Unsolicited uterus update: Pénélope Cruz "bump alert" picture shows a very small baby "bump." Blind item: "Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade." More about Kristen and Rob's "Hot Hotel Hookups!" The story begins thusly: "When Robert Pattinson's room is rocking, don't come knocking." Rob Pattinson had a guitar delivered to his hotel room so he could serenade Kristen Stewart. The magazine asks: Did Rob put a ring on it already? Kristen was seen wearing a ring on THAT finger. Gosselin news: "It's All-Out War!" They're doing things to annoy each other: Kate threw out Jon's favorite grill and most of his favorite shirts, except for one "special" Ed Hardy shirt, which she slashed with scissors and left out for him to see. She's been threatening to get rid of his tractor. She put up a no smoking sign and taught the kids to chant "smoking kills," and she taunts Jon by saying he's fat and ugly. Jon's been leaving cigarette butts lying around the house, and Kate's sensitive about her age, so he calls her "granny" to see if he can make her cry. Next: True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård played a suicidal transvestite named Geert in a 2006 indie flick, check out a pic (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her "love luggage" — her weight. Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he'd bring food into the bedroom. John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties "just to look." Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month "when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set." And! A source says: "She'll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama."
Grade: C- (braille)

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OK!
"I Still Love Nick!" At no point in this story is there a quote from Jessica Simpson saying, "I still love Nick." Instead, there's information about how, on August 1, Jess went to Katsuya in West Hollywood with Ken Paves and sister Ashlee and John Mayer stopped by. He poured champagne and told jokes for them! Jess got so tipsy that she wanted to drunk dial ex Tony Romo, but Ashlee took the phone away. Moving on: Brad and Angie believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something. They've been apart because taking breaks put the spice back in their life. Also inside: Old pictures of Michael Jackson's SECRET NORWEGIAN LOVE CHILD Omer Bhatti at Prince Jackson's first birthday. Omer is wearing at hat which reads, "Doo-Doo." Also be sure and check out the picture of MJ and Omer on an elephant. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: No longer an item! "Their passion ultimately fizzled," claims the mag. As if it was ever there! "The future is up in the air," says a source. Isn't it always? Lastly: Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou have a cute new baby boy named Kenzo (Fig 1).
Grade: F (paper cut on genitalia)

Life & Style
"I Don't Need A Boob Job!" In this "exclusive" interview with Kelly Ripa — conducted at a Super Saturday Shopping Event in Water Mill, NY — she says, "I would never have a boob job." Then the mag provides pictures going back for the last decade illustrating that when Kelly weighed more or was pregnant, her breasts were larger; yet as she worked out more, and lost weight, her rack became smaller. This story spins off into four pages about other stars' boobs and how they feel about them. Next: Zahara and Shiloh went to Toys R Us with Angelina to buy Spider-Man party supplies for Maddox's birthday and were cute while doing so. At a recent ballet class, an eyewitness says: "They held hands and sat side by side. Zahara was a little more coordinated, and she tried to help Shiloh. Zahara took the big sister role." Kate Gosselin is "so lonely." Her friend Jamie Ayers says: "She's lonely now that Jon's gone." Jessica Simpson is being "tortured by her ex," John Mayer: He's never stopped texting or leaving voicemails, and in one voicemail he serenaded her. "Jess said it sounded like he was in a restroom and tipsy, but that's normal for John." Another source says: "Every now and then he would sex-text Jessica or send her fairly explicit messages. She used to keep all the texts and read them over and over. It was a real ego boost for her." But! John Mayer does the same thing to Jennifer Aniston. The mother of Samantha Burke, Jude Law's new baby mama, says "Let's be very clear: It was a total mistake, and Jude hasn't called Samantha a single time." Is Chris Brown stalking Rihanna? They "coincidentally" stayed at the same hotel, then he drove up to a restaurant where she was eating and stared out the window. And Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist, Bang Bang, and now Chris has also tattooed Bang Bang. Bang Bang tells the mag: "We talked about the tattoo Rihanna did on me. I was like, 'Don't let her give me a better tattoo than you.' He did a little face, like a little cartoon." Lastly: Inside Paris Hilton's $325,000 dog house, which is a two-story miniature version of her house, with a crystal chandelier, air-conditioned upstairs bedroom with closet, and a "Furcedes" bed (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (paper cut on eye)

Us
"Bachelorette Betrayed!" Ugh. Who cares. Some dude proposed to some chick on national TV and they've been talking about how they're so in love and plan to get married, but while he was taping the show he had two girlfriends back home and so on and so forth, YAWN. Apparently there was some kind of scenario in which he was unable to perform sexually, and the mag calls it "guilt wilt." Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar had a baby shower and Michelle Trachtenberg, Kristin Chenoweth and Shannen Doherty attended. "Bump Watch: Male Edition" made us giggle, despite ourselves. (Fig 3). Slumdog's Dev Patel and Friend Pinto: Officially a couple! Jon Gosselin had a "sexy sleepover" with a 23-year-old model, waitress and single mom named Stephanie Santoro. Michael Lohan claims she's a nanny. By the by, while shooting for TLC, between takes, Jon was "inattentive" with the kids. Also, Jon allegedly got $40,000 for his In Touch interview. Lastly: Brats from Real Housewives (Francois, Johan, Gia) are modeling back to school clothes in this issue.
Grade: F (paper cut on tongue)

Star
"Broken Home." Angie and Brad's relationship was "too hot not to cool down." Two days before the trip, Brad disinvited Angelina from the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds. Brad started drinking at a photocall hours before the premiere and kept going until 4am. Angie kept calling, but he wouldn't pick up, and she was nagging him so much that he shut his phone off. That night, Brad continued to party with director Katya von Garnier, who he was linked to in 1997, when she went with him to the premiere of Seven Years In Tibet. Things have been crazy at home: Shiloh has been throwing tantrums. Shiloh tries to intervene when Brad and Angie fight; once she told Angie, "Stop yelling at Daddy"; another time she threw her doll at Angie. Angie has been booking the suite at a Beverly Hills hotel where her mother lived before her death; a source says: "Angie likes to go to [her mother's] old suite and be alone and think and cry." Moving on: Penn Badgley wants to marry Blake Lively now, but she wants to wait because she thinks they're too young. But she's up for living together and getting a puppy. Blind item! "Which Hollywood hubby has been cheating on his pregnant wife with a teenager? He's definitely known as a cad, but even for him, this is ridiculous." Robert Pattinson: On the rebound, with Camilla Belle, who broke up with Joe Jonas. Did Kate Gosselin buy an apartment 40 feet away from her bodyguard's place? True Blood's Ryan Kwanten — Jason Stackhouse — was in an S&M themed play in Australia in 2002, hence the shirtless pic of him with angel wings. John Mayer drunk dialed Jessica Simpson and BEGGED her to hang out with him at Katsuya on August 1st. She headed there with Ashlee and Ken Paves, and after dinner in the main restaurant, she joined John in a back room. The mag says: "But diet-conscious Jess made sure not to indulge in too much champagne and kept shaking her head as John coaxed her to keep up with him." Lastly: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are taking their 7-week-old twins on vacation to Ireland, where the couple goes every year (Matthew's sister is an Episcopal minister there). And by the by: SJP and Cynthia Nixon, who had been the closest of the Sex and the City ladies, aren't speaking to each other because SJP didn't attend a gay right rally with Cynthia and her partner. Boo.
Grade: D (paper cut between fingers)

In Touch
"I'm Tired Of Being Blamed." In an epic interview, Jon says stuff like: "Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn't want to. She said, if you have a problem, go fix it." And: "I used to be very introverted, but in my marriage, I became extroverted, I was very open and friendly. I don't think Kate liked that." And: "I'm not a womanizer." The mag asks him if his girlfriend Hailey wants kids. He says: "I don't know. We never really talked about having kids. I know they want kids at certain ages." He also says: "I'm not asking her to be the kids' stepmom, I'm asking her to love me for who I am." Jon also claims he never dated Kate Major, he was just "hanging out" with her. He was happy to know someone in New York to go to dinner with, but "I've always been true to Hailey," he says. As for Kate Major, he says: "I think she fell for me but I knew my heart was with Hailey. I tried to be nice to everyone and I didn't want to lead anyone on." ENOUGH. Next: Brad and Angelina's kids are "caught in the middle." There's tension in the Jolie-Pitt relationship. Brad got wasted at the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds: "He was so drunk he looked to me like he could barely walk," says a source. "It was not the sort of behavior you'd expect from a father of six." Dads don't drink? And! Maddox recently made Zahara cry when he swiped one of her dolls and cut its hair off. This week in Jennifer Aniston "heartbreak" news, the magazine prints the words "Jen is desperate" next to a picture of her, and the story has a quote from Dr. Judy Kurianski, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dating (Fig. 4). Lastly: Britney wants another baby. "I want more babies!" she exclaimed while getting ready in her dressing room.
Grade: C- (paper cut on finger)

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Ok!
"How I Lost 10 Lbs In 10 Days."
Margaret found this story offensive. Here's how it starts: "Until recently, it seemed you couldn't have a strawberry festival or a chili cook-off without Jessica Simpson showing up to take the stage…" Sources say that Jess has "already peeled off" 10 pounds in ten days. And the story is called her "revenge bikini diet." The mag says "She doesn't want to be an even larger target" and "she doesn't want to play the role of pitiful plump punchline any longer." OH GOD. Then the story turns into an ad for Harley Pasternak's fitness plan. Next: The subhead on this Gosselin story reads: "As her husband Jon sows his oats with two 20-something blondes, a shocked Kate braves her public humiliation with quiet dignity." Ay yi yi. Also, didn't he already sow some oats, like 8 of them? Anyway, he might appear on Celebrity Apprentice; Kate might get hair extensions and plastic surgery. "Is Rebbie Right For Michael's Kids?" Apparently Janet Jackson did some "soul-searching" and decided to pass on being the "mom" of Paris, Prince and Blanket. Rebbie is the most down-to-earth of the Jacksons, is very stable and has been married to her high school sweetheart for 40 years. The bad news: She lives in Las Vegas, and so does Joe Jackson. Oh, look! A made-up story about Jennifer Aniston: She invited Gerard Butler to lunch in her trailer on the set of their movie and "calmly" said, "let's just be friends." Lastly: You know how it was a big deal that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart woud see each other at Comic-Con, and there were supposed to be "steamy nights"? Kristen told a friend she hugged Rob but it felt awkward. Boo.
Grade: F (poked with a dirty syringe)

In Touch
"Exclusive: My Dream Wedding."
Well, the cover is a big lie: It says: "Summer's gorgeous brides share intimate details about their big day." Yet! The magazine did not speak to Penelope Cruz, Rachel Bilson, Anne Hathaway, or any other women in the feature. And more than half of the ladies are not engaged. The magazine speaks to wedding experts from wedding TV shows and wedding dress designers, and then whips up sketches of dresses, floral arrangements and possible honeymoon destinations for each celebrity — using an old quote to hammer home the point. For instance, Anne Hathaway once said, "I'm not the sort of girl who dreams about her wedding," and that's what is used here. It's boring and stoopid, says Margaret. Moving on: "Brad's Furious: Angelina Takes Maddox To Iraq." She was on a UN Goodwill Mission, though, you know? A 7-year-old is probably okay. Once the news broke that Jon Gosselin was dating both Hailey Glassman and Kate Major, he had a "rough day trying to calm both of them down. It was dramatic." Hailey's brother Sean was overheard saying: "He seemed like such a nice guy… but he was two-timing her with that blonde reporter girl." Since In Touch has been claiming that Jon and Hailey were engaged, now they're saying that his proposal was "drunk and impulsive." In "Hollywood Body Watch," we learn "Who's Up Who's Down," meaning: Weight. Tyra Banks is down, Jessica Alba is down, Hilary Duff is up. Avril Lavigne was seen partying on the French Riviera with oil heir Brandon Davis while her husband was in Las Vegas. Is she having an affair? Mischa Barton can't go to rehab, because she'd violate her contract with CW show The Beautiful Life, so she's in an outpatient program and has a sober companion instead. A "friend" says: "She thinks it's silly, but she doesn't have a choice." Lastly: In "The Secret Ways Stars Hook Up," we learn that John Mayer leaves his guitar by his bed, so that when he gives ladies a tour of the house, he can stop and play "Your Body Is A Wonderland." Plus: Bad pick-up lines (Fig. 1)!
Grade: D-, downgraded to F+ for lame cover story (rotting meat covered with maggots)

Life & Style
"Kim's Heartbreak."
Hmm, since the breakup was mutual, why is it only Kim's heartbreak? Anyway, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush couldn't make it work because long distance relationships are hard. "Kim's sad, but she's diving into work," says a friend. Tragically, 28-year-old Kim once said "I want to be a mom before I'm 30." So she'd better get on that. Moving on: Jon Gosselin has been spending all of the family's money (Fig 2). He bought $900 shoes; his rent is $5,000 a month; he bought a $50,000 BMW and spent $400 on dinner with Michael Lohan. Priorities! Kourtney Kardashian says: "I finally love my boob job." Eight years ago, she says, "I wanted to go back to school with new boobs. I was so dumb." Luckily, now, she likes her C cups. In "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed!" We learn that Blake Lively's defect is that she is "tall"; Isla Fisher's problem is that she is "petite," and Kate Bosworth's issue is that she is "boyish." Plus, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who has spoken openly about her anorexia and bulimia, is deemed "pear-shaped." Margaret likes the "before" on 3 out of 4 of these damn "fixes." Also: THESE PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE FLAWS. (Fig. 3) Lastly: Amy Winehouse's courtroom sketch was pretty much the best thing in this issue (Fig. 4).
Grade: F+ (food teeming with flies)

Us
"Jessica's Nightmare: The Other Woman."
The "other woman" is named Natalie Smith and she is the daughter of an athletic director from Eastern Illinois University, where Tony Romo went to school. Tony has known her and her parents for years — they're family friends — but days after dumping Jessica Simpson, he flew Smith to Dallas for a "three-day rendez-vous" at his home. "They're not officially dating, but they have an intimate relationship," says a source. Smith says: "Honestly, this is crazy. We have always been friends and there is nothing else to it." Tony's rep denies any affair. Jessica Simpson's weight was one of the reasons they broke up, though: When the media would say things about Jess's body, Tony would say "well you do look a little pudgy." Next: Jon Gosselin's "friend" Kate Major calls Michael Lohan her "second dad." Naturally, Lindsay Lohan has something to say about that: "Yuck. She and my dad, like, lied to me and stuff." Wait, what? Be more specific! Anyway, kids' clothing maker HealthTex decided to pull products Kate Gosselin had endorsed, but one shipment went out to Midwestern Wal-Marts. Next, there's a six-page interview and photoshoot with Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets — including what the inside of her refrigerator looks like — but it's SO BORING. She does have a book coming out, though. When does she have time to write? By the by, 26 across in the Gosselin Crossword is "I did not _____ Kate." Lastly, we're loving these old yearbook photos — did Kendra have a nose job? (Fig. 5)
Grade: D- (used condoms)

Star
"The Real Story."
Kate Major, who up until recently, worked for Star, and maybe still does, tells Star how she met Jon Gosselin, and how she felt "pangs of guilt" when he interview Jon and Hailey, since she was attracted to Jon and later went out to dinner with him and then to the Hamptons with him and Michael Lohan. In any case, Kate says "I think we have a future together," and seems to think that Jon will break up with Hailey and stay with her. Moving on: Michael Cera broke up with Charlene Yi, his girlfriend of 3 years — she is 33; he is 21. They're just starting a promotional push for Paper Heart, so that should be interesting. Kevin Federline cheated on Victoria Prince — he and his brother rented a yacht and picked up "a bunch of hotties" to party with; then took the ladies back to K-Fed's house, "where things got really wild." Brad Pitt travels with his own toilet seat, because it grosses him out to not know used the bathroom before him. Kirsten Dunst has been sending flirty text messages to Robert Pattinson; she thinks he would be the ideal boyfriend. She needs to get in line behind like, a million Twihards. Blind item! "Which blonde former teen singing-acting sensation hooked up with a woman twice his age? Even though he's young, his cougar fling is bragging that he was experienced beyond his years." Jessica Simpson and Kenny Chesney were both at the same crowded beach party in Florida on 4th of July, and since Jessica sat next to him for a second and spoke to him the magazine calls it a "PUBLIC AFFAIR." Next there's this picture they're using for a story called "Brad & Angelina's Bitter Blowout" which is really a shot of Brad & Angie in the car asking the kids what they want at the drive through at McDonald's. And if you read carefully, the text supports that, too. Lastly: In "What A Difference A Year Makes," the mag estimates that Alanis Morissette has put on 20 lbs. and Hilary Duff has gained 45 lbs.
Grade: D- (decomposing vegetables)

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Ok!
"Steamy Nights Together!" What's odd is that inside, there's really no mention of "steamy nights." The story is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will "finally be reunited at Comic-Con." "Their Comic-Con reunion will be a real test." An insider says that Kristen's friends, including Runaways costar Dakota Fanning, told her she'd be CRAZY not to fight for Rob, because it's OBVIOUS she still loves him. "Her friends are insisting she look as hot as she can when she and Rob see each other, so he will fall head over heels in love with her all over again." Apparently she has a sexy sundress ready. It's all fabrication and speculation. Next: Diana Ross's 20-year-old son Evan Ross went to Michael Jackson's funeral in his mom's place and spoke to the magazine and says his mom is taking care of his sister Rhonda right now, because she is pregnant, and he's been hanging out with the Jackson kids. Jennifer Aniston went to the NYC boutique Only Hearts and bought $1100 worth of lingerie. The magazine prints this sentence: "Though she didn't reveal who the purchases were for, it probably wasn't Courteney Cox." Obviously it's for Gerard Butler! Also, a friend says "She's not acting like a schoolgirl with a crush on Gerard." But! Just a couple of weeks ago, she had a "schoolgirl crush" on Bradley Cooper. Lastly: Angelina Jolie is "fed up" with Brad Pitt's "expensive tastes." Brad's been buying "big boy toys" like motorcycles in addition to works of art and an ultra rare film stock called Kodak Tech Pan, which hasn't been made for years. Brad scours eBay for it, bid enormous sums and then has it flown by courier to whatever city he's in. The magazine says that Angelina, on the other hand, has no problem feeding the kids Hot Pockets and getting her coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.
Grade: F (Fruity Pebbles drowned in molasses with gumdrops on top)

Life & Style
"Bikini Body Tricks." Let's ignore why on earth Kim K. is so orange on the cover. We don't even know what to say about the cover story. It's such a mind fuck. The headline is "How To Fake The Perfect Bikini Body Just Like The Stars!" Then there's a photo of Rihanna in a bikini. Her body is great; she is not "faking" anything. The tips we're given are 1. Wear a triangle top 2. Extra fabric on the bottom 3. Bright colors draw attention to your best assets. Somehow, wearing a triangle top and a bottom with "extra fabric" in a bright color is going to make my body look like Rihanna's? Don't think so. It goes on like this for eight pages, with misleading tips like "A tan takes 10 pounds off instantly!" and "Kim's secret to an instant great butt." The whole thing made both Margaret and me depressed. Moving along: The headline "Angelina Finally Brings The Twins Out — To Some Surprised Onlookers" sounds like they're talking about her boobs. But no: She took Knox and Viv to see a doctor and people in the waiting room were like whoa. An insider claims that Mischa Barton went on a "three day drug and alcohol binge," which sent her to the mental ward. She started having hallucinations — she thought she had ants and spiders crawling on her. In Gosselin news, L&S calls out Us Weekly for claiming that Jon had an affair with a teacher and Kate had a thing with her bodyguard (Fig 1). Oooh scandalous! A woman asked Angelina Jolie what she thought about Megan Fox and that people are comparing Megan to her. Angelina reportedly said: "Is she aiding in Africa or sitting in on U.N. conferences? Donating herself to something bigger than Hollywood? I'm not familiar with her work, is she an Oscar contender?" Oh. Snap. Is a "baby boom" going to affect the "fashion show of the year"? Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bunchen, Heidi Klum, Laetitia Casta and Adriana Lima are all pregnant, so the Victoria's Secret fashion show line-up might be different in November. This week, Dr. Rey's Casebook wasn't really offensive, just lame (Fig. 2).
Grade: D- (grape soda with jelly beans and chocolate chips)

In Touch
"Hailey's Message To Kate: I'll Raise The Kids." In a six-page blow-out, the magazine continues to insist that Hailey and Jon Gosselin are engaged (other news sources deny this). An onlooker at a club heard Hailey tell Jon, "I can't wait to be a stepmom." She thinks it will be fun, she loves kids, she always wanted a big family, etc. She sees her role as a "fun big sister" and plans to spoil the kids rotten. Hailey and Jon are planning "an extravagant wedding" at the Venetian in Las Vegas with a rock and roll theme; Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier will be the best man and may even design the suits. Pause here for eyerolls. Meanwhile Kate is "crying herself to sleep," an insider says. By the way, the show's "script" is confusing for the kids (Fig. 3). What else? Drew Barrymore and Justin Long still say they're just friends, but they've been seen making out together all over NYC. In "Who Looks Better For Their Age," Avril Lavigne, Nadya Suleman and Matthew Broderick are losers. (Fig. 4) Katherine Heigl has told producers on Grey's Anatomy that she's going to try and get pregnant, so they should try and write it into the show. But she and her husband are also trying to adopt from Korea. "Why Jessica Can't Let Go Of John." As in Mayer. Miss Simpson never completely severed contact with John Mayer, and a couple of months ago, he even wrote a song for her. A source says people blame Tony for the split — but Jessica "really hurt her chances of being his wife" by staying in touch with John. A source says John and Jessica have "unfinished business" together, which sounds like someone owes someone money, or some sexual experimentation. When Mischa Barton called the police, she allegedly said: "I see tree people." She was hallucinating and thought there were people hidden in the foliage outside her house. She's been calling herself a has-been and complaining that she doesn't have any real friends; a "pal" told the mag she's been using coke and not sleeping and is super paranoid. Lastly: Nick Jonas has given Miley Cyrus a $75,000 commitment ring.
Grade: D (pancakes with buttercream frosting and sprinkles)

Us
"Kate's Sad Kids." Basically, the Gosselin kids had a photoshoot in New York and the mag uses the words "looking visibly lethargic and moody." The kids were also "asking nonstop questions," "hot" and "crying" at some point Kate may have ignored one crying kid. But you know - same old shit. Also, when Jon was in St.-Tropez, he called the kids constantly and described what it looked like. And! According to The Hollywood Reporter, TLC may have met with advertisers angry that "the formerly wholesome show is now rife with tension." Next: Daniel Radcliffe wrote a poem adultery! "She always accepts, never inquires/Which is just what I want with my desires…" Loving it! The Jessica Simpson story is titled "Almost A Bride," with the subhead, "He Had A Ring. How… Neediness and Weight Demons Made Tony Romo Leave Her." why wasn't it called "How His Assholishness Fear Of Commitment Made Him Run Away"? Just asking. Anywhoozle. Jessica spent $19,000 to ship all of her belongings overnight from Tony's house in Dallas to her place in L.A. — 37 packages, including a Christmas tree. The whole story is basically like, "he had a ring, but he lost respect for her as she dropped hints like crazy." Ladies, don't ask your menz to commit! You'll just lose them! Anyway. This piece ends with this sentence: "At least with no man or ring to obsess over, she has time for her dwindling career…" NEXT. This is the only magazine which claims that Mischa Barton has checked out of Thalians Medical Health Center in L.A., and did so on Sunday the 19th, after being admitted on the 15th. The mag even has a pic of Mischa checking out, and claims that she said "Thank you for everything!" as she left. Lastly, Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes were seen biking together! Remember back in March when LeAnn and Eddie were caught cheating on video, but both denied it? His wife Brandi now says: "Eddie and I have decided to take some time apart."
Grade: D+ (blueberry Slurpee with caramel drops)

Star
"Kate & Hailey Catfight!" The magazine claims that Jon and Hailey have been after each other for 3 years. While Kate was staying with her family recuperating from her tummy tuck, Jon took Hailey out to dinner. She was 19 at the time. Hailey's friend Al says Hailey can't wait to confront Kate and tell her, "Jon never loved you." He says that the kids have known Hailey for years and love her. An insider at TLC says that when Kate saw the photos of Jon and Hailey together, she looked at them and screamed, "You make me sick!" She told the kids that Hailey is "gross," because she "smokes and drinks and makes Daddy do bad things." She's especially jealous because Hailey is on the cover of magazines instead of her. Moving on: Blind item! "Which male actor makes his chauffeurs want to drive off the road? He prays and snores loudly throughout every ride — and even spits on the seats. It's really not pretty." Victoria Prince, Kevin Federline's girlfriend, may be pregnant. She and Kevin are on vacation in Europe, and she's been feeling queasy. Blanket's "secret mom" is a lady named Pia Bhatti, and she met Michael Jackson in a hotel in Tunisia in 1996. Here's a pic (Fig. 5). An insider claims Mischa Barton had written a suicide note, and wanted to take a boat out on the ocean and throw herself into the water. Nelsan Ellis, who plays Lafayette on True Blood, was an acclaimed playwright before he was on the show; while he was at Julliard, he wrote the play Ugly, about domestic violence, because his younger sister was murdered by her husband in front of his 6-year-old nephew. And she was pregnant. Sad! Nick Lachey sent Jessica Simpson a "Happy Birthday" text, and she wrote back "Miss me?" He invited her over for lunch, and he made her a BLT. But it was a "just friends" kind of BLT. Lastly, there are "20 Stars Without Makeup," in which most of the captions are surprisingly nice.
Grade: D+ (strawberry soda with gummi bears)

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Ok!
"Be Our Mommy."
How do you like this cover line, which puts words in the kids' mouths? According to sources, Janet wants custody of the kids — they've grown very close in the last few weeks. The Jackson brothers are all for it, as long as they can convince mama Katherine it's a good idea. A source says: "Janet knows that Katherine is in no position to make certain decisions. Katherine is still dependent on Joe for things like financial advice." Apparently Paris has "longed for a mother figure" for years and "latched on to Janet." Also: Did you know that MJ was friends with Charlie Chaplin's son Michael and family? And! Is former child star Mark Lester — godfather of Michael Jackson's kids — actually their father? Also inside: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo broke up because Tony told her he wasn't going to marry her, says a friend. "He flat-out told her if she was looking for someone to propose and give her a white wedding and a family, he was not that person, and they should go their separate ways while they're still young." Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler have been flirting on the set of The Bounty. A pal says: "She says she's through repeating her old patterns. She thinks Gerard is the kind man who loves women, not girls." Wait, what? Lastly: A source says sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin have been "shacking up" in his suite at the Waldorf-Astoria; she stays there 5 or 6 nights a week. But! A pal of R. Patz says: "The minute Rob gets back to playing Edward the vampire, he'll go into method-acting mode and spend all his time with Kristen." Oh, and please note how Rob and Emilie look sunny and happy in the accompanying photograph, while Kristen Stewart looks like an impoverished urchin or hobgoblin (Fig. 1.)
Grade: F (raw sewage)

Life & Style
"Kim Helped Me Lose 20 Lbs. In Four Weeks."
Khloe Kardashian, who is 5'9", says "I'm now a size 6, but I've been up to a size 10 in the past." THE HORROR. The magazine photographs her wearing a swimsuit by a pool standing on a scale in stilettos, arms raised triumphant (Fig. 2). She says: "I don't want to be the fat, funny one anymore." Was she ever fat? Anyway. Basically, she worked out and ate edamame instead of pretzels, and a lot of grilled chicken. But, Khloe says: "I love my body, big or small." Moving on: Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt take dance classes at Creation Station in Studio City, CA. Their dance teacher says: "I have closet full of stuff for them to wear — wings and wands, tutus, top hats and capes." Also: "Zahara was a little more coordinated — she was trying to help Shiloh. She was taking on the big sister role." Cute! Mischa Barton talks to the mag in an "exclusive" interview, responding to the Heat magazine cover where she's called "bloated." She says: "All that matters is how I feel about my body." There's a two-page spread of pictures that involved a helicopter flying over Katherine Jackson's pool where Michael Jackson's kids were playing with their cousins (Fig. 3). Is that even legal? Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, details about Stephanie Pratt's nose job (her face has "gotten glam!"); and Jennifer Aniston either got implants or a padded bra — an opportunity for the good doctor to shill his plunge halter bra (Fig. 4).
Grade: F (rotten food left in sun)

In Touch
"Jon's Engaged!"
Jon Gosselin gave his 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman a $180,000 ring — featuring a skull surrounded by four black diamonds. Classy! Of course, maybe the bauble was just something Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier had lying around on his yacht, where Jon and Hailey were hanging out — for business reasons, since Jon had a meeting with Audigier. Anyway, gotta love the sidebar headline: "He's Giving Hailey What He Never Gave Kate." Meaning luxe vacations and fine dining. Then again, he hasn't given Hailey 8 kids. Yet! Moving along: A friend says: Paris Jackson wants to be with Janet Jackson: "Paris doesn't just love Janet, she worships her. She sees Janet as the mom she never had." Brad and Angelina had a fight before the twins' birthday on July 11. "Angelina became enraged when Brad told her that he doesn't want to have any more children with her." Wait, he wants to have more kids, just not with her??!?! An insider says: "She was hoping to patch things up by getting pregnant again, even though she knew in her heart the relationship was on the rocks." YAWN! Oh, "Bathing Suit Shockers & Stunners" has pictures of people like Demi Moore (Stunner, though we can see her ribs); Lindsay Lohan (Shocker, "skin and bones,"); Kelsey Grammer (Stunner, he's been working out after suffering a heart attack); and Pam Anderson (Shocker: "Pam's body isn't like it used to be." Maybe because she is 42?) Check out old pictures of Cloris Leachman as a bathing beauty (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jennifer Aniston is having a "revenge romance" with Gerard Butlter, and holds him the same way she held Brad Pitt and John Mayer (Fig. 6).
Grade: F (filthy restroom)

Us
"Second Chance."
After five pages of speculation about how since Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are both single now they MIGHT get back together since they are "haunted by the ghost of their relationship past," quotes refuting this theory appear at the end of the story: "He would never ever go back with her. He's a different person now," a source says. "All Nick wants now is a non-famous girl he can settle down and have kids with." Then the magazine writes: "Ironically, though Simpson now wants to settle down and have a family, a source close to her tells Us she isn't pursuing her ex-hubby." "They don't talk and haven't seen each other in years," the insider says. "That's the last thing on her mind." Okay then! Moving on: Supposedly, the two Real Housewives who were the behind the scenes troublemakers asking for more money were Jill Zarin and Ramona Singer. Apparently the producers said, "Do you think we'll have a hard time replacing you?" and scared the shit out of them. Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson have broken up! That's why he didn't attend Michael Jackson's memorial. The two have been "moving in different directions." Please note that Us uses the word "bimbo" to describe Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend. The mag speaks with James Appleton, who describes himself as Hailey's "hook-up friend." He says they broke up right before Hailey started seeing Jon: "A couple of days later, a mutual friend was like, oh, hey, your girl Hailey is pretty famous. She's dating this older guy who has like, eight kids." Another friend says Hailey is bisexual: "She's open about it. And I've seen it happen." There are some cute pictures of Kendra and Hank's honeymoon, for those interested.
Grade: F (sulfuric intestinal gas)

Star
"Jen's Revenge."
Jen and Gerard have adjoining trailers on the set of The Bounty, and have been eating lunch together and taking yoga together. IT MUST BE LOVE. Moving on: Penelope Cruz wore a ring with a gem stone in it, so Javier Bardem has "put a ring on it." The story called "From Hunks To Chunks" is about guys who have put on weight. Jon Gosselin, Joey Fatone and Bobby Brown have "Moobs! Jelly bellies! Thunder thighs!" Is Demi Lovato cutting again? The mag says "cutting is a secretive self-mutilation ritual girls sometimes use." Girls only? Huh. Renée Zellweger is such a germaphobe that she makes people put hospital booties on their feet when they come into her house, even if they are wearing socks. Blind item! "Which reality TV star isn't speaking to his best bud after getting stood up at Diddy's White Party in L.A.? He's raging after waiting all day for his pal's call to meet up, which never came." Tony Romo went out partying the night after he broke up with Jessica Simpson and "caught a cougar." He hooked up with 43-year-old actress Michelle Johnson, whom you may remember from her fine work on Melrose Place and Tales From The Crypt. Jessica was shocked by the breakup because Tony had just given her a necklace as a "promise to wed" symbol. "He asked her then to hang in there, to take it as a symbol of his commitment to her. He knew just how to string her along." People say Mischa Barton is puffy and bloated from drinking and partying, but she claims she had her wisdom teeth removed (Fig. 7). A trainer who does not treat her says she must tip the scale at over 150 lbs. Michael Jackson wrote all the time, scribbling on napkins and pieces of paper and his mother Katherine wants to collect his writing and keep it for the kids when they get older. Also, he told his "diary" that he wanted to adopt a girl, but he was frustrated that agencies in the U.S. wouldn't let him adopt because of the child molestation charges. He also was "jealous" of Janet's sexuality — he wanted to be sensual and provocative like her, but struggled with feeling like an innocent child. And he wanted to get even more plastic surgery to make his cheekbones more prominent, but his doctors were against it, so he got Botox instead. Brad Pitt is buying "bachelor pad" in Big Sur — which he'll use to get away from Angie. Lastly: Charlie's Angel Kate Jackson hired some guy to clean up her house, because she was living in squalor, so of course he took pictures and sold them to Star. She seems to be addicted to pain killers and the guy says her teeth were rotten and her eyes were yellow.
Grade: F (skunk)

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OK!
"$100 Million Or The Kids!" This is an eight page story, but the only "news" we learned is that IF Debbie Rowe doesn't try to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids, she COULD get $100 million. But! IF she does seek custody, she COULD get $50-$100 million to keep the kids in the style to which they are accustomed. Moving on: Just so you know, this is the "Summer Of K-Rod." Meaning Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez. Robert Pattinson is so stressed out by stalkery fans that he has "retreated into his own private world." This means the crew of Remember Me has "essentially stuck Rob in a box, constructing a seven-foot high enclosure from material screens where the actor retreats between takes." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston has a "high school crush" on Bradley Cooper. She's not worried by the fact that he recently went on a date with Renée Zellweger — a pal says: "It looks like Needy Edie is throwing herself all over him. We joke about how Renée's face stopped moving a few years ago. I doubt Jennifer will see her as competition."
Grade: F (bombed building full of rubble)

Life & Style
"It's Over!" If you believed that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were actually dating, then you may believe that he has dumped her for Emilie de Ravin. Though a Remember Me insider says: "I haven't seen any overt flirting between Robert and Emilie on the set." Yawn. The story titled "Britney's Revenge" has the subhead: "The singer's in the best shape of her life, while ex Kevin has packed on weight." "Michael's Worst Nightmare" is that the kids will have exposure to Joe Jackson. Except in the same damn paragraph, it says, "He's always been allowed to see his grandchildren." So the only cause for concern would be Joe exploiting the kids for financial gain, not that there's any evidence of that. Some "prominent" citizens of the city — including two Tulane professors — want Brad Pitt to be the new mayor of New Orleans. Will he run? Twelve days after going on a dinner date with Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper went to dinner with Renée Zellweger (with whom he's working on a movie). There was no "Dr. Rey's Casebook" this week. Lastly, Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist! The singer inked a tiny umbrella with an R on the handle for him and two other guys at the tattoo shop (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (burned, charred house)

In Touch
"Explosive Tell-All Book" So. Ian Halperin, who's been writing an unauthorized biography of Michael Jackson for a while, is leaking all kinds of crap from his book. The book alleges that Michael liked having sex with men — not boys — and once picked up a construction worker in Las Vegas. There are also some weird pictures of Neverland— taken in 1993 — in which there are male mannequins posed in a room like they are talking to each other. Moving on: "Who Looks Better For Their Age?" Has John Mayer, Kristin Davis and Ellen Page as winners (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lourdes Got braces? (Fig. 3) Oh, look, our LEAST FAVORITE KIND OF STORY: "Cellulite Hits Stars Younger Than Ever!" Over six pages, the mag tries to shame Lauren Conrad, Hilary Duff, Jamie Lynn Spears and Mischa Barton for having dimples on their thighs. The mag talks to docs who blame cellulite on partying, having a baby, genetics and being thin (!!). Though one doctor says: "The thighs, butt and hips are genetically programmed to store fat." Groundbreaking. Angelina is "escaping" to France, where she will stay with the kids while Brad Pitt travels to Indonesia and Brazil for film projects. The mag spins this story as though Angie needs to spend time alone, instead of "Brad has work to do." Lastly: "Who Wore It Better? Kids' Special!" Seriously, they've got children competing for best dressed. And naturally, Suri Cruise wins her category (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (flooded home)

Star
"Inside Their Shattered World." This is by far, the sleaziest of the rags, with cover lines like "Who Will Be Our Mom?" and "Coroner: Michael Wanted To Die." A family friend says that the kids' isolated life has left them socially awkward, and they don't know how to act around anyone who is not family, a nanny or a bodyguard. Sometimes they even revert to infantile behavior like thumb-sucking or clinging to security blankets. A psychologist who does not treat them says, now that their father has died, "The kids could become very anxious and depressed." OBVIOUSLY. An eyewitness who was in the emergency room when Michael was brought in says that she overheard a female official from the coroner's office tell a cop: "The Jackson family strongly believes that Michael wanted to die. The family said he was very depressed for a long time, and they wanted to know what he used to kill himself." Ugh. Ugh! Then there's a quote from a "source" close to Michael, who says: "He wrote suicide notes, and then tore them up. He even kept one with him." His past as an abused child and his depression were what he discussed in the note. Allegedly. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reconnected over his support of her adoption of Mercy. "Flirt Alert!" Lance Bass and Dustin Lance Black — screenwriter of Milk — met in a VIP section of an NYC club. They talked! They danced! Dustin left at midnight; Lance "slipped out ten minutes later." Johnny Depp has a whole room in his London house devoted vampires, which he uses to relax, meditate and be alone. Oh snap: Miley Cyrus's best friend Mandy Jiroux is hooking up with Miley's ex Justin Gaston. Brad Pitt got an ultimatum from Angelina Jolie! An insider says that after his Moneyball shoot was canceled, "Angelina sat him down at the kitchen table and sternly told him, 'You must be with me this summer — it's not an option.'" She threatened to leave him if he said no, but Brad had an ultimatum of his own! He wants to settle down in one place, and can't stand the constant globe-trotting. Whatevs. Kate Gosselin wants her twins, Cara and Mady, to be the next Mary-Kate and Ashley. A rep for the Gosselins contacted a record label to talk about the possibility of the twins making a children's album. Kate wants them to have toys, clothing and TV shows. Did Anna Paquin and True Blood's Stephen Moyer hook up before he'd broken up with his girlfriend of seven years — who is also the mother of his child? He says he and Anna had chemistry from the start, and that they tried to keep things professional as long as they could, but it was "unstoppable." Lastly: Continuing with the sleaze, there's a story about a fight at Farrah Fawcett's funeral — Griffin O'Neal, who was banned from the ceremony, showed up anyway.
Grade: D+ (structure infiltrated by toxic mold)

Us
"Truth About His Kids." A friend of dermatologist Arnold Klein visited Michael and the kids Christmas 2008 — along with Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher. The mag has the pictures to prove it! Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher are friends, and Michael's kids love Star Wars, so Michael introduced her to his children as "Princess Leia." And she did the "help me Obi-Wan" speech for them! This magazine also claims that Debbie Rowe once admitted that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of his children — and didn't want to have biological kids — because he was afraid of giving them vitiligo. And Debbie Rowe said she married MJ "to prevent the taboo of having a child out of wedlock." A source says that Rowe knew MJ was a drug addict, but didn't care, as long as it didn't hurt the kids — but did want the nanny to be present 24 hours a day. There's also some weird stuff about the Nation of Islam and Michael Jackson's secret Nazi memorabilia. And! Another source says Michael was "as addicted to eBay as he was to drugs." He'd get high and stay up all night buying things. WHO DOESN'T? By the by, Debbie Rowe claims she slept with Brad Pitt before he was famous. And Michael Jackson was angry with Justin Timberlake because in 2001, they were staying at the same hotel, and JT was having "really loud sex" with then-girlfriend Britney Spears. Michael sent a security team to make them go quiet down. Diana Ross was "shocked" when she found out that she's named as back-up guardian in the will, because she thinks her kid-raising days are behind her. Sigh. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan turned down a role in The Hangover because she thought the script had "no potential." Or maybe she didn't want play a stripper. Again. Lastly: If you love sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson, you'll love these outtakes from a Rolling Stone shoot that never got published. A sampling? Sure! (Fig. 5)
Grade: C (termites in foundation)

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