Life & Style
"Is Lindsay Gay?" Are Lindsay and Sam "finally" coming out, asks the magazine? Intern Margaret laments all the old info in this story and calls it a "waste of time." But! According to a pal, LL and Sam got matching tattoos. What do you think they got inked? Moving on: Britney is so desperate for a real friend, she had to go sunbathing with her dad. Next: Vanessa Hudgens, 19, was "throwing back drinks" while vacationing with Zac Efron, but the drinking age on the Caribbean island is 18, so who cares? (Intern Margaret says, "The info in this issue was so lame and so old, I actually checked the date on the front cover to make sure I had the right one.") Mary-Kate made a T-shirt with Heidi and Spencer's faces on it and the text: "Heidi's Ho." Apparently Lauren Conrad wants one. Lastly: The story called "Ashlee's Junk Food Pregnancy Diet" really belongs in a Hall Of Shame. The Simpson family went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers. "Everyone else was nibbling, but Ashlee ate more than her share," says a source. And she had her own entrée. THE HORROR! The magazine says: "The plate of two deep-fried Tijuana eggrolls could have as many as 2,015 calories — about what Ashlee should be eating in an entire day!" Continues the story: "Ashlee's problem is that she believes she's eating for two," says an insider. Maybe because she is gestating a human in her womb?
Grade: F (freezer-burned frozen pizza)

In Touch
"The Twins Are Here!" After an "amazing nine months," Angelina has given birth. A hospital insider says: "The babies are not big criers. Angelina is in great condition, but a bit fatigued." Moving on: Jen Aniston was "betrayed" by John Mayer. While in Amsterdam, John met a woman he thought was Dutch and said "I am John, I am a singer." She turned out to be a writer, Chaton Anderson, from California. She knew he was dating Jen but asked him what his relationship status was. He said "It's vague." She asked him to clarify and he said, "You know, it's very vague." Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens had a "sexy vacation" in Turks & Caicos and there are four pages of pictures to prove it. On a photo of Jessica Simpson, the mag uses the phrase "Da Bomb", rendering it officially uncool (Fig 1). Is Lindsay getting skinny for Sam? She want to be as slim as her girlfriend, who weighs 104 lbs. Oh, and they share clothes. Was A-Rod tricked by Madonna? Her "friend" says: "Madonna is a huge flirt and she knows how to make someone feel like they're the center of her universe. She knew that she meant a lot to [A-Rod], but never discouraged him." Next: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr might be broken up, because Miranda was seen making out with oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Suri Cruise has a French tutor! She knows more words in English, but she's doing really well in French. She's two.
Grade: D- (milk one week past its expiration date)

OK!
"Dream Baby." Jessica Alba sold herself — and her family — to the mag. Little Honor Marie's first photo shoot! Apparently the birth was very calm. Jessica says, "I didn't scream… It was really zen… The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Husband Cash Warren says: "I want [Honor] to look like me because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Also: The name Honor is stolen from one of Jessica's friends who liked it but was done having kids. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson hold hands in public now and Sam has updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship." Love! The ladies who look "Better After Breakup" are: Carrie Underwood, Pink and Liv Tyler. The "10 Ways To Spot A Cheater" story has Christie Brinkley in the lead photo, ouch. An insider thinks Jennifer Aniston will marry John Mayer before her 40th in February. The "How Melissa Joan Hart Shed The Baby Weight" article has two important details: She has a trainer and a nutritionist.
Grade: D (moldy bread)

Us
"Reese & Jake's Family Vacation." The story opens with a super cute picture of Jake, Reese and Ava holding hands, awww (Fig. 2). The group went to London and Paris and it was a "trial run" for Jake to see if he could handle the kids. It's a 6-page story with tons of pictures but it was pretty run-of-the-mill: They went into through The Chunnel, watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate pizza. Moving on: There's no new news in the Angelina twins story but in the sidebar, a "pal" says of Jennifer Aniston: "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids." Next: Katherine Heigl will "die" on Grey's Anatomy! Izzie may get a brain tumor because the writers are still mad at her. "Hunky" Jeffrey Dean Morgan may come back in visions brought on by the tumor. So you know those pictures of Heidi and Spencer holding guns? They're learning to shoot and handle firearms in honor of Heidi's stepbrother who died in Iraq. Spencer says, "Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq. And if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing." T.R. Knight, 35, has moved in with his boyfriend Mark Cornelsen, 19. Natalie Portman has moved from New York to L.A. and is spending loads of time with bf Devendra Banhart. "A visibly shaken" Verne Troyer sat down with the magazine to talk about his sex tape kerfluffle. It was the idea of Ranae, the ex-girlfriend, to make a video, says Verne: "She kept the tape in her camera on top of the closet where I couldn't even reach it!"
Grade: D+ (wet, damaged, wilted lettuce)

Star
"Shiloh Meets The Twins!" Okay, so Angelina gave birth and Shiloh left her dolls at home to go visit the twins. She brought toy bottles as presents for the babies, aww. When they told Shiloh the names of the kids, she said "Vivi and Nosh?" because she can't pronounce Vivienne and Knox. So those are the twins' new nicknames. The night before the babies were born, Brad Pitt and Angie's bro James Haven slept in Angie's room. The whole birthing process was filmed. Baby Knox was in the "dangerous" feet-first position. But everything turned out alright. Brad took his shirt off and held Knox against his skin — and Angelina did the same with Vivienne — according to the mag, "so the infants both had the feeling of their parents' flesh as their first sensation." Moving on: "More To Love" is a story about how Jessica Simpson has gained 30 lbs. Apparently when she's happy, she's heavier, and when she's sad, she's skinny. There's a chart of her ups and downs but she kind of looks the same in every picture. She's been telling friends she wants a baby because it would be cute if she and sister Ashlee had kids that were close in age. The idea of that freaks Tony out. Next: The new 90210 maybe have a "cat fight" brewing, since the ladies on the show feuded years ago and are coming back. Jennie Garth is nervous about working with Shannen Doherty and eagerly awaiting Tori Spelling's arrival on set. Also inside: Michael Bublé just broke up with Emily Blunt and has already been spotted with a blonde… and the next night, a brunette. For some reason the magazine prints the receipt from when Colin Farrell and his girlfriend bought a pregnancy test at Rite Aid. Is 22-year-old Amanda Bynes dating 34-year-old Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame? Reese and Jake will use their dog, Atticus, as the ring bearer at their as-yet-unplanned wedding. Yes, this is the dog that Jake and Kiki Dunst adopted together. But Atticus now lives with Reese full time. Blind item! "Which rock star's teenage daughter is heading down the same path as her parents? A source says she is drinking and drugging with other rich kids in Malibu." Madonna and Guy Ritchie's children are "caught in the middle" of their tumultuous lives. Seven year old Rocco made a "desperate" trans-Atlantic phone call to his dad, saying he missed him and begging him not to leave. Days later, Guy arrived in New York. The day after the pictures of Lindsay and Sam holding hands were taken, Sam flew to Vancouver for a gig. LL sent her a Facebook message that said,"Baby baby, baby, I miss you already. I hate that you had to leave me this morning. I love you." Lastly: It's a gir;! Star can "exclusively" reveal that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is having a daughter. The due date: October 31, Halloween. Pete Wentz, who has been sewing since high school, is making onesies and diapers for the kid already.
Grade: C (congealed spaghetti with sauce)

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Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)

OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)

Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)

Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)

In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)

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OK!
"Baby Time For Jen." The cover says: "He's in love, she's ready to commit, it's now or never!" Because the mags love to paint Jen as a desperado over the hill spinster with rugratlust. Intern Margaret says, "There's nothing new in this story. They just refer to a 2005 Vanity Fair article. They're not even stealing from recent interviews." Moving on: "Hollywood's Best-Dressed Little Girls" is full of details like: Suri's got a million-dollar wardrobe, Matilda Ledger is a Brooklyn hipster, Ava Phillppe is a "little lady" and not a sex pot. She is eight. Next: Madonna and A-Rod are "sexy new friends." Same old stuff: they have the same manager, they work out at the same place, he invited the kids to watch a Yankee game. Also inside: Dina Lohan is "shocked" that Lindsay might have a secret half-sister. The other woman, Kristi Kaufmann, says "Many times, I offered to do this privately, so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt." Apparently Michael has known about the kid since she was 2! Lastly: "15 Tips For Getting And Keeping A Guy" is a sexist story that beings, "Poor Carrie Underwood is perpetually single. Now OK! is taking her through Dating Boot Camp to whip her love life back into shape." Tips include: "Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body… If you want a perfect set, wear the perfect bra. He won't know the difference… No guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy." Also: "Men love a good booty… With a low-carb diet, this will create the traffic-stopping booty all men pay attention to! In the meantime… Spanx Power Panties can give a girl a good shape until she reaches her body-beautiful level of fitness." Oh, and Tip #8: "Don't panic if he doesn't call… You are not yet his priority, so be patient… To him, a call equals a commitment… And don't call him: girls don't call boys."
Grade: F (soggy unsalted popcorn kernels)

Us
"It's Over!" Have you heard? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the rocks. Apparently they've been in counseling with a rabbi from the Kabbalah center, but "They just can't stand being together." Meanwhile, Madge was sitting in Alex Rodriguez's VIP seats at the Yankee game. Peeps say Madonna won't announce the divorce until her Sticky and Sweet tour is over, on November 30. She fell in love with Guy because he was the only man to ever stand up to her, sources say; "She was so whipped in the beginning she was making him tea and washing his clothes." But! He keeps her on a short leash. She has to drop everything to meet him for dinner every night and she can't be late or, as she says, "He'll kill me." Moving on: The Anne Hathaway story is called "In Love With A Loser" and has all the dirty details about Raffaello Follieri, which we have covered pretty extensively. Next: Hollywood's bikini diets! Jennifer Aniston eats salads, Rihanna ditches carbs, Gwyneth works out, etc. Also inside: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still on! Keanu Reeves seems to be dating China Chow — there are pics of them frolicking on the beach. Naomi Watts is four months pregnant. A Rolling Stone writer went to Amy Winehouse's home to interview her an accidentally saw a picture of her on the phone while "performing a sex act" on hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Amy just laughed and made a joke about multi-tasking.
Grade: D (broken Necco Wafers)

Life & Style
"Hogan Exclusive: An American Family Torn Apart." Last week, Brooke told one of the mags that she doesn't speak to her mother. This week, Brooke says: "I don't talk to her every day like I used to, but we talk." Yawn. Did the show really have 90 million viewers>? Really? Moving on: Does Britney have a "secret plan" to get Kevin back? The mag claims that Kev and Brit want to move to New York together because Brit was in serious talks to be the new Sandy in Grease on Broadway. She really wanted to do it, but her dad said no. Kevin was in talks to be the new UPS guy in Legally Blonde, so yeah. Next: Are Paris and Nicole still friends? In a word, yes. Also inside: Lindsay was flirting with some guy in front of Samantha Ronson and Sam got jealous. She wouldn't even shake the dude's hand when LL introduced them. In "Stars' Slim Down Beauty Secrets," we learn that Lauren Conrad "looks buff side-set pony" and "peachy gloss plays up" Eva Longoria's "bone structure." So much bullshit, so little time.
Grade: C- (melted Milk Duds)

In Touch
"Who's Really Pregnant?" This story is really vague, but if you read closely, you'll discover that Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Beyoncé are not pregnant. Moving on: In an interesting twist, there's a story about a malecelebrity being too thin! Marc Anthony is "scary skinny" and "has a love-hate relationship with food." He's 5 foot 7 and 110 lbs. "You have to understand what it's like to be Puerto Rican and thin," says Mark. "It's painful." We've helpfully scanned a photo for you (Fig. 1). Also inside: Cute new picture of Harlow Madden (Fig.2)! Kate Moss's daughter has an I ♥ Kate Moss T-shirt. "Heartbroken" Anne Hathaway has lost 25 lbs. (Fig. 3). Heather Locklear, who is in rehab for depression and meds, has a "dangerously wild side she's kept hidden from the world." This is illustrated by a bunch of pictures of Heather looking like a drunken mess. Um, we present, without comment, a story called "Mini-Me Cheated On Me." See Fig. 4. Also, have you seen Lindsay Lohan's rumored half-sister from a lady Michael Lohan hooked up with about 13 years ago? (See Fig. 5) Megan Fox has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green, but she has a "Brian" tattoo on her hip, so the mag helpfully suggests she could date news anchor Brian Williams, Conan O'Brien or Brian, the dog from Family Guy. Next: In an interview, George Clooney says, "I'm not a playboy. If I'd been with all the women that I was said to have been with, I wouldn't have had the time to shoot one single movie." He also says: "If you have beautiful and strong hair, then you're successful with women. In the case of [my] hair loss, it's all over." And! "I spend at least three or four hours a day in the bathroom. Being sexy day and night is a big responsibility. And I like taking it!" Next, "Hollywood's Best Boobs" is a photo-driven six page oeuvre which focuses on the mammaries. Audrina Patridge, Carmen Electra, Jennifer Aniston are lucky enough to be on this list. Number one? Jessica Simpson. Lastly: The best thing in the mag was a picture of puppies. (Fig 6.)
Grade: C+ (stuck-together Gummi bears)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup." This story is supposed to make you feel better, because "even celebs need help to look fab." But here's what the mag says about stars: Katherine Heigl: "There is no excuse for baring those bumps on her forehead." Eva Longoria: "Without contouring, her face appears puffy and full, and the 33-year-old's eyes are lost without defining liner." Kim Kardashian "loses much of her sizzle without her vampy game face. But she also looks years younger — and remarkably wholesome!" This nit-picking of women goes on for ten pages. Moving on: When Ben Affleck first got together with Jen Garner, he told her he was sober and had stopped playing poker. But! He still plays in private games all over L.A. and bets tens and even hundreds of thousands of dollars on hands. Jen's ultimatum: Give it up or lose your family. Next: Inside Lindsay and Samantha's "Hot Romance!" The "hottest young same-sex couple" are "playing house and loving every minute of it." And yes, they share a bed! A source says, "Sam's the boss, the husband, Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them." Also, "Lindsay brags that they have great morning sex." They share salads at restaurants because they are determined to stay thin for each other, because they think a lean look makes them hot. They also splurge on naughty sex toys and when they're not together, each of them sprays perfume on a piece clothing for the other to take with her. Sam lent LL her $180 vintage Foreigner sweatshirt and she doused it with Clinique Happy. They also want to get a dog; LL wanted a little pup but Sam suggested they adopt a mutt, so they're visiting shelters to look for a cute canine. "Sam's the only person who has managed to make Lindsay feel loved and protected and respected." a source says. "Everyone else in Lindsay's life has used her." Awww. Sniff. Also inside: Spencer and Heidi want to be the next Sonny and Cher, they're in talks with ABC to develop a variety show. Heather Locklear spent a weekend at home binging on drugs and alcohol before heading into rehab. She was on anti-depressants, pain meds, prescription and non-prescription drugs and sleeping pills while boozing it up. Oh, and coke.
Grade: A, downgraded to B- for cover story (misshapen M&Ms)

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Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)

OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)

In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)

Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)

Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)

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Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)

In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)

Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)

Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)

Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)

Fig. A:

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)

Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)

In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)

OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)

Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

OK!
"Charlie's Dream Wedding." Charlie Sheen wed Brooke Mueller at a private estate in Beverly Hills on May 30. He wore a Men's Wearhouse suit; she wore a white dress by Reem Acra. Brooke's friend sang the Beatles' "Let It Be" during the reception. Yawn. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's sister Ali was heard giving Sam Ronson makeup tips at a restaurant. Reminder: She's 14, Sam is 30. Jessica Simpson is going to release the first single from her country album and might want Tony Romo to be in the video. Ashley Olsen has learned to smile (Fig. 1). The "curviest" bikini bodies are Pink, Blake Lively and Elisha Cuthbert. Lastly, Audrina from The Hills says, "I am not an attention whore. I am not going to release naked photos of myself just to get attention. I'd rather get different attention and be respected." Too late for that!
Grade: F (crackers)

Life & Style
"Birth Exclusive." Guess what? There is nothing exclusive in this story. Angelina has not had the twins yet, but she hasn't been photographed because she's resting after her busy Cannes schedule. Moving on: Instead of having the bodyguard drop off the kids with Britney, Kevin Federline did it himself! Like he has anything else to do. Oh, but Kevin is serious about his acting career: A pal says he's been offered several roles in films shooting abroad but can't go because of the custody situation, boo fucking hoo. The "Jessica Smiles Through The Pain" story is about how during a phone call with Tony Romo, he said he had to go and hung up on her. Stay strong! At Tom and Katie's housewarming party, the line to get in was "ridiculous," says a partygoer, "because Tom and Katie stood at the door in matching white outfits and greeted each guest as they came in." An insider claims George Clooney broke up with Sarah Larson because he has a short attention span. America's Next Top Model CariDee English denies the rumor that she tried to kill herself: Apparently she mixed anxiety pills with alcohol and made a brief stop-in at the hospital. Here's how Lance Armstrong stole Kate Hudson from Owen Wilson: He found out the things about Owen that bothered Kate and used them to his advantage. Lance wined and dined her (Owen is not romantic) and he went public with their relationship (with Owen, Kate always had to hide). Lastly: Knocked-up Ashlee Simpson is "struggling" with her figure, because duh, she is pregnant. But she's not even showing.
Grade: D (clear chicken broth)

Us
"How Dad Is Tearing Them Apart" Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have a third person in their relationship and he is Papa Joe Simpson. This is not news. But! Pete Wentz was DJing an event and he gave a shout out to Joe: "Yo yo yo! This goes out to Joe Simpson, my new father-in-law." Then he played Huey Lewis' "The Power Of Love" and Papa said, "I feel the power of love for you, and everyone else should too." Jesus. Moving on: There's a pull-out chart called "Hollywood High: Who's Friends With Whom?" Angelina and Brad's circle overlaps with Nicole and Joel's! Jay-Z and Gwyneth Paltrow are buddies (Fig. 2)! Post- George Clooney breakup, Sarah Larson is "definitely not grieving", sources say. She was seen laughing and texting and hanging with Jessica Simpson. Also inside: SATC secrets: the "Love" keychain Louise gave Carrie was by H. Stern and costs $6,800 — making it far more expensive than the fugly $5,400 LV bag Carrie gave her. Oprah is on a vegan diet! She is not having sugar, alcohol caffeine or gluten, either.
Grade: D+ (carrot stick)

In Touch
"Jessica's Humiliating Betrayal." Jess is jealous because Tony talks to Carrie Underwood. Jessica and jealousy issues go hand in hand. Thrilling, right? Moving on: Harlow Madden has reconnected Joel and Nicole with their families. Baby power! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have made $3 million in 2 years from "tacky magazine deals." Last week's Us cover where Heidi is wearing a veil and an undershirt earned her $350,000 — but she has to provide three more stories for the mag to get the cash. Speidi's music career, however, has earned zero dollars. Also inside: Angelina went to bed with orange juice with sugar to stabilize her glucose levels after fainting. She is always "collapsing." Post-pregnancy Christina Aguilera loves to party (Fig. 3)! Linda Hogan is dating a 19-year-old who used to clean the family boat. Minka Kelly is dating Derek Jeter, which means she may now have herpes.
Grade: C- (wilted salad)

Star
"Angie Collapses! Last Minute Panic!" You've gotta love how they are using this month-old picture of Angie sitting on the beach to illustrate her "collapse." But apparently she swooned and collapsed in the French chateau. Moving on: Kathy Griffin says she is a "space whore" because she used to live in a small apartment and as soon as she started making money, she bought the biggest house she could. Katherine Heigl is a "cyberchondriac" — she is addicted to WebMD. Hubs Josh is tired of her thinking she is sick all the time. Um, also, doesn't she work on a medical show? John Mayer gave Jennifer Aniston a Blackberry, and she found it to be a cheap and unromantic gift because his tour is sponsored by Blackberry. Blind item! "Which newlywed rocker is freaking out over his newly married state? He loves his wife, but think it's all happened too fast and friends don't know if he is really ready to be a committed husband." Shia LaBeouf's dad lives in Shia's garage on an air mattress. Nicole and Joel are planning a $2 million three-day wedding. It should happen on June 27-29. There will be a Pretty In Pink-themed bachelorette party and the bride will wear a champagne-hued gown. Also: After 24 years, is it time for Oprah to step down? There's a backlash! Ooh, crazy: Jamie Spears is offering $14.5 million to Kevin Federline if he will remarry Britney. Jamie thinks that Kevin is a stabilizing influence on Brit and "he completes her." Kevin is holding out for $20 million and no pre-nup. Good luck. Sarah Larson says she broke up with George Clooney because he runs hot and cold with her and she couldn't take it any more. Tom and Katie's housewarming had 600 cupcakes from Sprinkles, Katie's favorite bakery. Kenny Chesney is back with Allison Stewart, his longtime girlfriend who he was with when the news broke in 2005 that he'd married Renee Zellweger. That marriage ended in "fraud," which neither of them ever explained. Miley Cyrus is grounded for having a bad attitude, talking back and flirting on the internet with boys and older men. Normal behavior for a 15 year old? Lastly, there's a six page story on broken engagements, including Nicole Richie and DJ AM, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, David Moscow and Kerry Washington.
Grade: C (microwaved french fries)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3

Blind item! "Which star of a top-rated TV dramedy has been cheating on his wife for the past eight months with a very young employee at a members-only gentleman's club in Beverly Hills?" Harrison Ford won't marry Calista Flockhart because he's been burned twice in two expensive divorces. Mary-Kate Olsen is on the verge of a breakdown; ever since Heath Ledger died she has been "living in a dark place," a source says.
Grade: D+, with a tardy slip.

Fig. 1

Earlier: This Week In Tabloids: Shiloh Is Lonely, Heidi Is Pre-engaged, Star Is Missing

Us
"I'm Ready To Say 'I Do.'" Intern Sharon says, "You know how the New Yorker has a serialized novel? That is what this is like." Yes, Us is still pushing the idiotic soap opera that is Heidi and Spencer. The magazine printed six epic pages of interview with the loathsome Montag and Pratt. HighLowlights: Heidi says, "We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon. It was pretty much a preproposal." Yes, that's right. A PREPROPOSAL. Even thought this couple has already been engaged. "He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring," Heidi explains. "The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing." (Fig. 1) Ugh. These people are vile. Oh! And Heidi also says: "I want to perform at my wedding. It's a special song that I'm working on for Spencer." And she'd like U2 to be her wedding band. Also inside: Will Smith spent $1 million to fund a school that employs teaching techniques established by L. Ron Hubbard. But! His kids are home schooled. Lastly: When Pete Wentz said he was honeymooning in a basement, he was joking, you guys. He and Ashlee actually went to a resort in Turks And Caicos, in the Caribbean.
Grade: F, but a gold star for the over-the-top, predictable, almost campy romance novel cover story

OK!
"Brit's Private Mommy Moments."
Britney sometimes hangs out with her kids, and they like it. Brit has been reading self-help books like Jack Canfield's Key To Living The Law Of Attraction: A Simple Guide To Creating The Life Of Your Dreams. She is also maybe dating her William Morris Agent Jason Trawick. Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting a reality show? It will be like sister Jessica's Newlyweds. Footage includes a dinner where everyone toasts to business ventures but Ashlee toasts to jewelry. Ha. There's a poll called "Who Looks Better Bald" (Fig. 2) and no one likes Cameron Diaz's head. Angelina and Brad's new house has an organic vineyard, so expect the couple to take up winemaking! Intern Sharon says, "They're so Stuff White People Like."
Grade: D- with demerits for being boring

In Touch
"Brad Fears For The Babies" Angelina was having early contractions, so she and Brad had to call the hospital. She was barely 26 weeks at the time. She's scheduled to have a C-section July 11. There was drama at a Toys R Us near Cannes because Angelina wanted to shop but Brad thought she should be resting. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is with Sam Ronson after "turbulent relationships with men" because you know, shitty dudes can make chicks gay! Sam wants to marry Lindsay and makes sure she stays sober, aww. Jamie Lynn's baby daddy Casey doesn't want to sign a pre-nup, uh-oh! Good news for "fans" of her "music": Paris Hilton is working on a new album. It will, of course, be "edgier." Benji Madden is helping, naturally, and Paris says, "It's a lot more of dance music that you want to hear in a club."
Grade: D- with detention and three days in a dunce cap for constant fake baby jeopardy "news"

Life & Style
"Shiloh's Lonely World." Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has "been throwing tantrums and crying a lot," the mag claims. Um, she is two; that's par for the course. A source says she wants to be the baby and sleep with mom and dad. Again, not a crime at her age. When Angie takes her shopping and asks "Shi" to pick something out for the twins, Shi throws a fit. Moving on: Lindsay and Sam are sooo in love. A source says Sam's open about her sexuality and she was finally able to convince Lindsay that being a couple is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sweet. Britney's got a "major crush" on her agent, Jason Trawick. He was in Costa Rica with her recently. "He cares about her and wants her to succeed, but he's not interested in her romantically," a source spills. Jamie Lynn is being watched because she MIGHT have preeclampsia. Or not. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong danced to '80s music and made out all over Cannes. The people who are making Point Break: Indo want Patrick Swayze to be in it. Jessica Alba married Cash Warren because she was praying for her baby and realized it was important to "do the right thing." Madonna says, "I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against discussing it." Lastly: Is it offensive or just weird that a caption on "Hollywood's Tan Secrets" reads: "A deep tan makes Adrienne look exotic"? (Fig 3). Ms. Bailon, of Cheetah Girls fame, is Puerto Rican, born in New York.
Grade: D, bonus points for Madonna quote, points deducted for fake Shiloh drama story

Star
Absent from class. Info available online, but that's just not the same, is it?

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Us
"How I Got My Body Back!" Christina Aguilera's boobs are huge. She is an E cup. She quit eating white bread and Skittles. She works out 5 days a week. Moving on: Holly Madison was unsuccessful in her attempt to get pregnant by Hugh Hefner, so she is looking for a Hef-esque sperm donor who is creative, hot, and has dark hair. Any takers? At Ashlee Simpson's wedding to Pete Wentz, the couple's first dance music was "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
Grade: F- (mouse droppings)

OK!
"Four Weeks To Go!" Here's news you can use: Angelina is going to have a C-section delivery of her twins. The mag says one out of about 100 C-section scars will "come apart during the birthing process." Vom. The French press has jokingly started referring to Angie as "Wonder Woman" because they can't understand how the knocked up mom has the energy to go on boat rides, helicopter trips and premieres in Cannes. Also inside: As mentioned in Dirt Bag this morning, a former Starbucks barista claims to have put whole milk in all of Mary-Kate's "skinny" lattes without telling her. Lastly: Ten pages of "The 50 Hottest (And Shirtless!) Guys on the Planet." Matt Lauer, Prince Harry and Will Smith are honored. David Beckham wins the No. 1 spot.
Grade: F+ (moth larvae)

Life & Style
"Angelina's $20 Million Twins!" We heard this news already, but here it is again: Between the security and medical costs, mansion rental fees, and helicopters, Angelina and Brad are spending about $20 million in preparation for her birth. But they might get $10 million for selling pix of the twins. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has "met" John Mayer's "family" — she had dinner with John, his brother Ben and Ben's girlfriend. Next: A guest says Ashlee and Pete's wedding "looked like the set of a Tim Burton movie;" they had leafless black trees for decoration. Ashlee walked down the aisle to The Beatles' "Blackbird." Next: Instead of her family, Katie Holmes is planning a "career comeback" by starring in All My Sons on Broadway. Tom is fine with it. Mariah Carey tells the mag that she and Nick Cannon are "interested in having kids. It's in the cards." Can't wait! Britney "ran away from her problems" to the country of Costa Rica. Mel Gibson had her to his house there; they used to be neighbors in Malibu. Brit spent her four-day vacay smoking, sipping bottled water and Coca-Cola. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears is endangering her fetus. Again. "It's very dangerous for a woman in her third trimester to be riding an ATV," says a doctor who does not treat her. Nicole Richie says baby Harlow has saved her life. She's gone from super thin to curvy mom; from DUI charged to driving school, from clubbing to strolling. Lastly: Don't worry about Liv Tyler and her troubled marriage: "I'm a tough cookie," she says.
Grade: F++ (period panties)

In Touch
"Wedding Drama" The story is called "Jessica's Wedding Pain" and details how she and Tony Romo held hands and talked but things seem strained. But after downing some champagne, Jess dragged Tony onto the dancefloor. There's a list of all the ways Jessica ruined her relationship with Tony: She called too much, she was a groupie, she was too open, they spent too much time together, she was a showoff, she wasn't busy. Next: Angelina plans to have three more kids after the twins. Friends think she is addicted to motherhood. One doctor thought that she weighed 20 lbs. less than she should for a woman carrying twins. Also inside: Britney's been getting advice from Mel Gibson on business and encouraging her to reconnect with her faith. Jamie-Lynn's top baby name choice is Emma Jean. Colin Farrell is "scary skinny." (Fig. 1) Is Nick Mariah's new assistant? He walked her to the ladies room and waited outside the door at a restaurant recently. (Intern Sharon says, "He's her bitch.")
Grade: D (a penny)

Star
"55 Best And Worst Beach Bodies" We've said it before but we'll say it again: We fucking hate the fact that this magazine puts women's bodies under the microscope. No talk about talent or ideas! Just cellulite. Which is like having poor vision or a receding hairline: It's biological, it develops, you can't do a damn thing about it. Plus! As Intern Sharon points out, the "best" bodies often belong to girls like Brooke Hogan and Rumer Willis, who have not yet hit the age of 21. So Star can kiss our dimpled asses. This seemingly-endless 18-page photo-driven story includes men and couples. You can't have a little bulge (Denise Richards) and you can't be too thin (Nicky Hilton). It's like that song from The Wiz: You can't win, and you can't get out of the game. Moving on: Nikki Cox has ruined her face. (Fig 2.) One site says she looks like the Sea Monkey mom. Gisele Bundchen says, "I'm a workaholic, so I get up at 8 am and I go to bed late. I don't go to clubs, I don't do drugs, sometimes I feel like a nun or something." Aww, poor thing. Would you ever consider having plastic surgery when you're older? "No way!" Haha. Tell that to her old nose. Or old boobs. Was Eva Mendes in rehab for a movie? She landed a new role as a Spanish drug lord. Beyoncé is making a guest appearance on Desperate Housewives, yawn. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong: It's on! "He's already bought her a bicycle," says a source. Jessica "ruined" Ashlee's wedding by being pouty and knocking back champagne. Plus, she kind of had to beg Tony to take her, as he'd promised. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have a "wild sex life!" A source says, "He covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps." (This made Intern Sharon uncomfortable.) Jen may be going on tour with John in Copenhagen in June. Lastly: Angelina doesn't want Brad's mom Jill present at the birth of the twins because she has a big mouth and tries to tell Angie how to raise her kids.
Grade: C-, downgraded to F- for cover story (favorite sweater that ends up being moth-eaten)

Fig 1.

Fig. 2

OK!
"Ready To Wed!" Here's the gist: Reese Witherspoon doesn't want her children to see her living "in sin," so she won't let Jake Gyllenhaal move in until they're married. But! The kids love him. So conditions are perfect. "Hollywood Big Mouths" is a 2-page spread out OK!'s favorite pouty lips. Janice Dickinson, Anne Hathaway and Ali Lohan are honored.
Grade: F (salt water)






Us
"Stabbed In The Heart!" Intern Sharon says, "That is so emo." Jessica Simpson is so distraught that her ex John Mayer is with Jen Aniston that she's been turning to alcohol. Apparently she went out with her friend CaCee Cobb (who is dating Scrubs star Donald Faison) and they all knocked back so many margaritas that Jess had to call her mom for a ride — and it was the night before Mother's Day! (CaCee drank so much she "puked a little under the table," says a source.) This story goes on for eight pages and there's a chart called "Jess Vs. Jen: The two share more than just John Mayer" where the ladies are shown in bikinis so you can compare them. Classy. Moving on: Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon are dunzo, but they want to be civil, so it's easy on their son Milo. A source says, "They fell out of love." Sniff. Heath Ledger's Joker action figure is selling out at toy stores, although it's not really a collectible or worth anything. People just want to own it. Blind item! "Which Golden Globe-winning TV star was disinvited[sic] from her own sister's wedding because her family is so distrustful of her long-time beau? Says a source, 'Her mom thinks the guys is a mooch.'" Also inside: Tom Cruise holds people so tightly his hand leaves a mark (Fig. 1). Are Britney and Kevin reconciling? The exes have a "camraderie," says a source. Jennifer Lopez's sister Lynda Lopez is expecting, if you care. Angelina's "bizarre baby plan" is to have the kid in France. Also, Us points out that Star reported that Angie has gestational diabetes, but it's not true; and Star claims she is having twins, but she says "my baby" when discussing her pregnancy. Also, Brad and Angelina will not get married any time soon, because it would complicate their finances. Lastly, there's a four-page Sex And The City story with cocktail recipes and quiz.
Grade: D- (gray water)


In Touch
"Brad Walks Away" Apparently Brad and Angie have been arguing because she doesn't want to get married and he was spotted drinking alone at a bar on the coast of France. (But, um, she can't go drinking with him, she's pregnant.) Maybe she has a fear of commitment because of her parents' divorce, speculates a psychologist who does not treat her. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan bitched out a girl who was talking to Samantha Ronson while Sam was DJing. LL pointed at the woman and screamed, "You're a slut!" Apparently the look on LL's face was "scary." Britney's "mystery bump" is probably due to the fact that she's on Prozac and Zoloft and eating a lot. Lastly: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has pages from fashion magazines up in her closet. "When she can't think of what to wear, she closes her eyes, spins around, and points at a picture. That will be what she wears."
Grade: D- (purified water)


Life & Style
"Friends Fear That Jessica Got Dumped Again!" While Tony Romo was at Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort in Chicago, he told his buddies that he and Jessica Simpson had split. That same night, Jessica drowned her sorrows in booze and burritos. Jen Aniston has a new love and a new body! She only eats salad, sez the mag. Jen is telling people that John is more adventurous than she's used to — and she likes it! Angelina has been relaxing in France in a bikini. "Angie loves her pregnant body," crows a caption. Lastly: Vince Vaughn turned down a threesome with two goth sisters and they sold their tale (and picture) to the mag. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (sparkling water)


Star
"Nicole In Tears!" At Crown Bar in L.A., Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan sat next to each other. "Their heads were practically touching and his leg was over hers," says a spywitness. When Paris Hilton saw what was happening, she made a huge deal of it and made sure everyone saw. Then she texted Nicole with the news. One source says Lindsay is clueless and "just doesn't get that she crosses the line." Another source says Nicole thinks Lindsay is a horrible human being. Moving on: Newlywed Nick Cannon is so happy, "My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard," he says. Kate Bosworth is "back to bones." She is 5'7" and 102 lbs. Apparently when she was with Orlando Bloom, he would tell her she had puffy cheeks and she got down to 100 lbs. Then she was back up to 113 lbs., but her new boyfriend is a model and very weight-conscious. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson says she never thought she'd get married so young but Ryan Reynolds "kept asking, at least for the last six months. He just wore me down." Lauren Conrad and Doug Reinhardt are already dunzo: She was too clingy, he was just in it for the fame. "Doug spent all his time looking for his pictures in magazines and Googling himself," says a source. Heidi Montag scandal! "This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around the waist, to make it look like she's three months along," says an insider. She and Spencer will refuse to confirm or deny anything to keep the rumor mill going. John Mayer wants to impress Jen Aniston, so he spent $6,000 on gifts for her: $600 patent leather YSL pumps; $2,175 quilted leather Prada bag and three 18K gold bangles for $1,150 each. Kristin Davis is not like Charlotte York because she is an alcoholic who no longer drinks. At all. Fresh-out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst was seen drinking at a NYC bar; she slammed whiskey shots and rum and cokes and she was out of control. Relapse! Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will get married in Mexico and honeymoon there, too. Pete's gonna wear sneakers with his tux. (Intern Sharon says, " I wouldn't expect anything else.) Suri Cruise drinks a special Scientology formula that is made from barley water, organic milk and organic raw honey. Sometimes it coagulates into an unappetizing yellow. A pediatrician who does not treat Suri says she may not be getting the vitamins she needs. Plus, honey can rot babies' teeth. But Scientologists don't believe in breastfeeding.
Grade: C- (mineral water)

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Life & Style
"I Got My Body Back!" Britney is losing weight because she spends hours at the gym, dances a lot, and her dad cooks healthy meals for her. (Intern Sharon says, "Seriously? We haven't seen her at McDonald's or toting Frappuccinos at all lately.") Also: When Brit was visiting Louisiana for the baby shower, Jamie Lynn showed her her pregnancy scrapbook and ultrasound pictures. The sisters slept in Britney's old room, awww.
Grade: F (sharp, broken glass)




Us
"The Plot To Destroy Lauren." This six-page story sums up everything that has happened between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad on and off The Hills and is mind-numbingly boring.