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This Week In Tabloids: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Are Officially Divorcing, Allegedly

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we flip through the tabloids while thinking about other things, like what to get for lunch, which—seeing as how I have no leftovers in the office fridge nor the appetite for something healthy like a salad—will likely be in the form of a burrito bowl from the fast-casual chain of all…

This Week In Tabloids: Celine Dion's Late Husband René Angélil Was Once Accused of Rape?

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we approach the counter of our new magazine store, ask the friendly man to unbox this week’s tabloids, wait patiently as he finds them, and are given a funny look after telling him that, no, we have no interest in purchasing People or Us Weekly, and that Star, In Touch, OK!, and Life…

This Week In Tabloids: Mary-Kate Olsen, Miley Cyrus, Nicole Kidman, and Gwen Stefani Are Pregnant 

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we discover a new magazine store within walking distance of our office (the old one was several stops away on a very annoying train), enter it, notice the magazines are all old, ask the friendly old man if this week’s tabs have come in, are told they’re in the back, and follow him to…

This Week In Tabloids: Brad Pitt Might Be Fucking Marion Cotillard and Angie Might Have a Breakdown

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we sift through the tales of our favorite (and least favorite) celebrities’ rumored despair in the hopes that we’ll feel better about our lives. Like, oh, I’ve been pretty stressed lately and my face is breaking out and also my bank account has been sort of sad since tax season ended,…

This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is More Beautiful and More Powerful Than El Niño

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to the magazine store and notice that the classy magazines are more interesting than the trashy ones, swap out In Touch and Life & Style for People and Us, walk to the counter, notice the man behind it can tell something’s off, and feel sort of thrilled about breaking a routine.

This Week In Tabloids: Ben Affleck and Charlize Theron Are Fucking, and Kris Jenner's Nose Is Falling Off

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we receive word that Kris Jenner’s nose is falling off, run to Ace Hardware, buy some spackle, a joint knife, duct tape, Gorilla Glue, and book a first class ticket—expensed to Jezebel—to LAX, where we take an Uber Black all the way to Kris Jenner’s home in Calabasas. “Let me in!” we…

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This Week In Tabloids: Let Us Pray, Kourtney Kardashian Is Pregnant With Justin Bieber's Baby

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we read a headline about Justin Bieber impregnating Kourtney Kardashian, throw up our breakfast, shamefully clean up our desk, throw up again after being reminded of the pregnancy, and decide to keep working from the vomit-covered desk because nothing matters now that the plot of …

This Week In Tabloids: Kim Is Leaving Kanye, Gwen Is Leaving Blake, and I'm Leaving Earth

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we continue last week’s format and break down the “news” by topic—not magazine—because it’s what I feel like doing. This week, conflicting reports of Kimye/Gwake splits, identical reports of Bennifer 2.0's reconciliation, and an irritating disconnect between cover headline and inside…

This Week In Tabloids: Brad and Angie Are Divorcing Because She's Jealous of Selena Gomez?

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we find ourselves continuously intrigued by the fact that every single tabloid is obsessed with pink and yellow. This week, Angie and Brad are over because of Selena (they’re not), Kim can’t stop eating (yes she can), Miley’s married (no she’s not), and Casey Anthony is pregnant (I…

This Week In Tabloids: Duchess Kate Probably Having Twins, and Ellen DeGeneres Probably Dying?

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we find ourselves reading 30-year-old love letters written by Tom Cruise to his ex-girlfriend twice in a row for some reason. This week, Ellen DeGeneres and Scott Disick could very easily be dying, Ben Higgins could very easily be the most boring person on the planet, and Duchess Kate…