Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we walk into the magazine store and hear the man say, “Long time no see!” to you even though you were there two weeks ago.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we cure ourselves of Senioritis with a dose of penicillin and get back to business. This week, Amal Clooney is pregnant with a girl, Jessica Biel is pregnant with twins, and Blake Shelton is pregnant...with racism!

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we don’t go to our original magazine store, our recently shuttered backup magazine store, or the second backup magazine store that’s close to the office but only has the tabloids 30 percent of the time, and instead try something a little different because it’s Senior Week.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we look at the covers of our favorite magazines, sigh, and pick them up anyway. This week, Star published photos of Lindsay Lohan and Egor Tarabasov fighting, Life & Style thinks Jennifer Lopez is pregnant again, and In Touch thinks Brad Pitt was “caught with Jen.”

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we avoid the increasingly batshit real-life political news by reading untrue batshit news about celebrities! This week, Kelly Ripa is the Queen of Mean, Jennifer Garner is the Queen of Serene, and Julia Roberts is the Queen of I’m Gonna Divorce Your Ass So Hard, Buddy.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we fill up an Olympic-sized pool with clippings about Taylor Swift being revealed as a liar and do laps for hours and hours until our bodies are unable to do one more breast stroke and we sink to the bottom and become the first person in history to drown in glossy paper.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we can’t believe it’s only Wednesday because, good Lord, so much has happened in the gossip world since Monday morning. This week, JonBenét is in the news again, Meg Ryan is in the news again, Miranda Lambert is in the news again, and Kate Middleton is pregnant again.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we decide to get National Enquirer instead of some of the other rags because a reader requested it last week and it feels good to grant a wish. This week, Miley is pregnant in the U.S.A., Portia dumped Ellen, and Eva married Ryan.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we learn from our mistakes and return to the traditional format after a well-intentioned though poorly executed attempt at a tabloid Q&A. This week, Mila Kunis is pregnant with twins, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are THIS close to getting a divorce, and JonBenet Ramsey is incapable of…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we decide to make this installment a little more interactive by using Kinja’s Q&A system to answer all of your most burning questions about this week’s hottest goss, which includes: Prince’s alleged suicide note, Gwen and Blake’s alleged wedding, Katie and Jamie’s alleged wedding, and …

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we honestly cannot take any precious time to write a satisfactory introduction because there is something super important we need to discuss. This week, Tom is leaving his church, Jennifer Aniston is preg, and the best story of all time.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we think we know, but—in fact—we have no idea. This week, Amber Heard is pregnant with Johnny Depp’s baby, Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with ????’s baby, Prince Harry is moving to the States, and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are leaving their spouses...for each other?!?!?!?!

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we buy three tabloids because the goss is too depressing to read four times in a row.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we flip through the tabloids while thinking about other things, like what to get for lunch, which—seeing as how I have no leftovers in the office fridge nor the appetite for something healthy like a salad—will likely be in the form of a burrito bowl from the fast-casual chain of all…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we approach the counter of our new magazine store, ask the friendly man to unbox this week’s tabloids, wait patiently as he finds them, and are given a funny look after telling him that, no, we have no interest in purchasing People or Us Weekly, and that Star, In Touch, OK!, and Life…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we discover a new magazine store within walking distance of our office (the old one was several stops away on a very annoying train), enter it, notice the magazines are all old, ask the friendly old man if this week’s tabs have come in, are told they’re in the back, and follow him to…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we sift through the tales of our favorite (and least favorite) celebrities’ rumored despair in the hopes that we’ll feel better about our lives. Like, oh, I’ve been pretty stressed lately and my face is breaking out and also my bank account has been sort of sad since tax season ended,…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we return to the more exciting tabloids after taking a week off to read two unbearably boring interviews with Jennifer Aniston and Hillary Clinton.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to the magazine store and notice that the classy magazines are more interesting than the trashy ones, swap out In Touch and Life & Style for People and Us, walk to the counter, notice the man behind it can tell something’s off, and feel sort of thrilled about breaking a routine.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we accept an unknown amount of money to read a book in the park beside a prominently displayed box of Zyrtec, and thank fans who compliment us online.