[Grand Rapids, Michigan; November 18. Image via Getty]

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - NOVEMBER 18: People wait on line hours early to get their copy of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's new book, 'Going Rogue' personally signed by Palin at a Barnes & Noble bookstore November 18, 2009 in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Palin, the former Republican vice-presidential candidate and Alaska Governor, chose Grand Rapids as the first stop of her book signing tour. (Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images)

[Westland, Michigan; July 7. Image via Getty]

WESTLAND, MI - JULY 7: Hundreds of children play in a giant lake of mud at the annual Mud Day event July 7, 2009 in Westland, Michigan. The event is sponsored by the Wayne County Parks and Recreation Department and the mud hole is made with approximately 200 tons of topsoil and 20,000 gallons of water. (Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images)

• If you weren't already aware, voter turnout is really high. That's led to some scattered problems, which will be chronicled after the jump. [Washington Post]
• In the mean time, the fucking Supreme Court heard the fucking case about fucking swearing on fucking TV. They didn't say "fuck" once, so I felt like someone had to. [Washington Post]
• A lot of people in California who really love each other rushed to get married today in case a bunch of small-minded, easily-led voters decide to make it illegal today for them to do so tomorrow. [NY Times]
• Joe Lieberman "fears" for the future of this country if the Democrats gain a filibuster-proof majority today, and has vowed to join with Republicans to filibuster anything they want to show his contempt for his constituents and the Americans who decided they were okay with a Democratic Senate. [Think Progress]

• Actor Tim Robbins was the most prominent victim of the ironically-named Help America Vote Act's mandated purges of voter rolls today. Being rather well-informed, he took his ass to court to force the city of New York to allow him to vote in the regular fashion, rather than provisionally since it would have gotten discarded. Can we just agree HAVA needs to be revisited next year? [NY Times]
• Rudy and Judith Nathan Giuliani apparent had no such difficulties and even got to cut in line. [Village Voice]
• Some people in Detroit waited 4-5 hours to vote. [CNN]
• Ditto in St. Louis. [CNN]
• A bunch of people in New Mexico that requested absentee ballots never got them and were told to show up and cast provisional ballots, as though if one needed to vote absentee that was a possibility. [CNN]
• At one Florida voting site, they had one machine to accommodate all the voters. Yeah, it was in a predominately African-American neighborhood. [Huffington Post]
• There were big problems with broken machines and a lack of paper ballots in Richmond, Virginia today, too. [Huffington Post]
• In Indiana, the GOP violated a judges orders and tried to challenge the voting status of foreclosed-upon voters. [Huffington Post]
• Some voters in Ohio were forced to cast provisional ballots (which might or might not be counted) because poll workers screwed up and thought that the address on the license had to match the address on the registration. It doesn't. [CNN]
• A 92-year-old woman in Texas cast her ballot from an ambulance outside the polling place when her absentee ballot didn't arrive. [CBS]
• Joe the Motherfucking Plumber went to the wrong polling place and tried to good ol' "Do you know who I am?" when he got stopped for speeding this week. Fuck. Off. Dude. [Wonkette]
• Joining JTMP in fucking off should be P.U.M.A. co-founder Will Bower. [CNN]
• Not that she swears, but 114-year-old Gertrude Baines, the daughter of former slaves who voted for Obama today, probably shares that sentiment. [LA Times]

Colorado
After reports surfaced that Republican Secretary of State Mike Coffman had purged tens of thousands of voters from the rolls in Colorado within the sacrosanct 90-day time period in which purges are illegal, he was sued to add the voters back in. This week, a federal court forced Coffman to not only add those voters back onto the rolls, but to grant their provisional ballots special status. When one of the purged voters files a ballot, the state has to actively prove that they don't qualify to vote or else count the ballot.

Florida
The grandmother of voter suppression efforts by the GOP, early voters are turning out in record numbers here, too, hoping to avoid a repeat of the 2000 election. Most of them say they're hoping that if their votes get screwed up, voting early will give them time to fix things. Of course, machine breakdowns and ID-verification ended up slowing the process down, which means that early voters have hurried up to stand in line anyway. Despite GOP concerns that early voting could cost them the election, Republican Governor Charlie Crist ordered early voting locations to stay open longer to accommodate the unexpected surge.

Georgia
In a state seeing unprecedented voter turnout, particularly in African-American communities, and with scores of people voting early (as much as 40 percent of the total 2004 turnout), it's worth nothing that the Republican Secretary of State, Karen Handel, "flagged" as many as 55,000 Georgia voters for additional review prior to the election. While the courts told her to notify the 4,500 flagged for citizenship review that they were eligible to vote, there's no word on the other 50,000 people she's trying to kick off.

Michigan
Michigan has a system that sends newly registered voters cards to confirm their registration. Since 2006, about 5,000 of those cards were returned as undeliverable, and the state threw those voters off the rolls with no other evidence. This week, a federal appeals court ordered the state to re-enroll those voters, insisting that the state law does not require the receipt of the notification card, so the state can't declare them not registered. Those (and other voters) can still face a request for proof of residency at the polls.

Ohio
Ohio, the biggest, swingiest state of them all, has also been a hotbed of voter purges, new registration and Republican activity this year. As mentioned before, Ohio Republicans attempted to force Democratic Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner to throw people off the rolls and stop allowing voters who registered after the early voting period had started to vote; Brunner declined and the Supreme Court sided with her. Bush even tried to get the Department of Justice to weigh in on it, but AG Michael Mukasey decided he didn't want to end up a Gonzales-style legal outcast and declined. Nonetheless,most observers expect that Ohio will be the biggest clusterfuck of this election season (possibly even surpassing Florida in 2000), full of legal challenges, fraud allegations, suppression allegations and general stupid political shit that has nothing to do with anything. Should be fun.

Pennsylvania
The state of Pennsylvania went to court to argue that it didn't need to provide voters with paper ballots — despite all this talk of record turn-out — unless all of the machines in a polling place fail. Judge Harvey Bartle ruled that if half of the machines in a polling place break, the state has to provide paper ballots to voters. The state decided against appealing the decision, apparently realizing that forcing voters to stand in long lines to all use one functioning machine is probably not the best plan.

Virginia
The Virginia NAACP filed a lawsuit against Democratic Governor Tim Kaine this week, alleging that the state was failing to provide enough voting machines at minority voting places and asking the judge to force them to try to keep wait times to 45 minutes. They withdrew their request for a temporary injunction yesterday after negotiations with Kaine's administration, but the lawsuit remains active. People trying to take advantage of in-person absentee voting in Northern Virginia locations like Arlington have had to wait as long as 90 minutes this week. Worse yet, an anonymous group has been distributing flyers in Democratic precincts intended to convince voters that the day for Democrats to vote in November 5th.

West Virginia
After numerous complaints from voters that touch screens were flipping their votes for McCain, Jeff Waybright, the Jackson County clerk, attempted to explain away the errors and improperly calibrated machines. He demonstrated how it might look that way when a machine was improperly calibrated, and then calibrated the machine. It promptly failed to do what it was supposed to. So, if you live in West Virginia, review your votes carefully and take your paper record.

Voter Registration Smashes Records [MSNBC]
Concern Mounts Over Expected Voting Surge [CBS]
Some Voters Still Waiting On Absentee Ballots [CNN]
Colorado Agrees to Restore Voters to Rolls [NY Times]
How Early Voting Could Cost McCain Florida [Time]
Gov. Crist Extends Early Voting Hours statewide [Miami Herald]
Black Voters May Lead Democratic Wave [Salon]
Thousands Of Flagged Voters Can Vote, Court Rules [CNN]
Michigan Loses Appeal Over Voters Rolls [MSNBC]
Ain't Like the Old Days [Talking Points Memo]
In Tight Race, Victor May Be Ohio Lawyers [NY Times]
Judge: PA Must Have Paper Ballots Ready If Half Of Machines Fail [CNN]
Va. NAACP Sues Virginia Governor Over Election Readiness [AP]
NAACP Drops Voting Lawsuit [Richmond Times-Dispatch]
Delays Abound in Early-Voting Surge; Predictions of High Turnout, Confusion [Wall Street Journal]
Phony Board Of Elections Flier Tells Virginia Democrats To Tote On November 5 [Think Progress]
West Virginia Vote Flipping Allegedly Caught On Tape [Huffington Post]

Earlier: There's Nothing Some Fear More Than Citizens Exercising Their Constitutional Rights
Voter Suppression And You: A Guide For Unreal Americans

Richard Hasen, a professor specializing in election law at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles, says in the Chicago Tribune that ''Election law has become political strategy." Hasen's not wrong, except about the timing — election law has been an electoral strategy since McCain's hero Barry Goldwater ran for President in 1964. Back then, it was called "ballot security" instead of "voter caging," but the principles were the same: target low income and minority voters whose housing situations might not be as stable as your average suburban white Republican voter with mailers marked "Do Not Forward." When they are returned to sender, get the person thrown off the voter rolls since they don't live where they say they live and, abrakazam!, you've got one less vote for the other party. It was so bad and so racist that the Republican party was forced to sign consent decrees agreeing not to do it anymore in 1982 and again in 1986. This, of course, did not stop the Republican party from doing it (at least) in 2004 in Ohio and Florida.

Not that caging was the only electoral problem in 2000, either — former Secretary of State Katherine Harris initiated a "felon purge" that illegally purged at least 2,000 former felons who had their rights restored from the voter rolls as well as thousands of other Floridians with "similar" names. Unsurprisingly, most of these people who were prevented from voting were African-American (and, in many cases, Democrats). Bush won Florida by less than 1,000 votes. But even what limited bad press the Republican party got from that hasn't stopped them in their quest to make sure that as many potential Democratic voters are purged from the rolls in time for Election Day — or should we start calling it coronation day?.

In 2007, the head of the Republican Party in Kansas was so emboldened by the fact that most people don't give a shit if voters (and particularly minority voters) are illegally disenfranchised that he actually sent out a letter bragging about the party's efforts to throw legal voters off the rolls. He's still the chair, by the way.

The Chairman of the Republican Party in Macomb County, Michigan told reporters for the Michigan Messenger last month that they planned to challenge voters on election day based on lists of foreclosed homes in the county, in an effort to get voters thrown out of polling places. Of course in Michigan, as in the rest of the country, minority homeowners were far more likely to have been offered subprime mortgages and are thus far more likely to be caught up in the foreclosure crisis in Michigan. Unlike registration-caging which, when done by race, is illegal under the consent decree, it's apparently perfectly legal to challenge someone's right to vote at their polling place.

The Republican National Committee sent out "registration confirmation" mailers to thousands of registered Democratic voters in Florida this summer (you know, when the snow birds weren't there) with "do not forward" noticed attached in order to cage voters there as well. Their spokeswoman told a reporter that it "wasn't worth writing about," because, of course, they'd prefer that you not know that they're undertaking massive efforts to eliminate potential Democratic voters from non-provisional balloting on November 4th.

In Ohio, they've gone even further, filing lawsuits against the Secretary of State to keep anyone from voting in-person absentee that registered close to the deadline — as the woman pictured did. Can't you tell she shouldn't be allowed to vote? Can't you just see it in her face? Ohio law allowed people to vote in-person absentee before the registration deadline and the Secretary of State ruled that ballots not counted until election day weren't votes until Election Day. And — horrors — people that might not have the means to get back to the polls a month after they registered did so. Homeless people! Women at domestic violence shelters! The Ohio told the New York Post that they "smelled a rat" in that, because, you know, increasing voter turnout (which is embarrassingly low in this country) through making it easier for legal but disadvantaged voters to vote is totally shady. This is what they do: when they can't win on the issues, they'll win by hook or by crook or by making sure that your civil rights are violated and you can't do anything about it. Oh, and yes, Republicans are caging votes in Ohio again, too, in case they couldn't disenfranchise enough people by the registration deadline.

But they've got other tactics that they're hoping you can't tie to them. In 2002, the Republican-controlled Congress passed and President Bush signed into law the completely unironically named Help America Vote Act. That's the legislation that ushered in the days of electronic voting machines, by the way. But it also ushered in the days of database-checking and automatic verification that will kick out voter registrations if a typo some data-entry person making $6 stuck in or left out a letter somehow. They're checking your voter registration against your driver's license (took me an extra trip to the DMV to get mine right, by the way) and against the Social Security database which is so error-ridden even Republican-leaning groups like the Chamber of Commerce don't want to have to use it to see if you're eligible to work in this country. Oh, and they don't even have to tell you if you've been purged — you might just show up on Election Day and be told in a crowded room that they think you're a felon or an illegal immigrant or have registered in more than one place. That's not humiliating or intimidating or anything, or designed to get you to give up and go home. And that, of course, is if some GOP operative "observing" the election doesn't decide to challenge your right to vote at all based on some shadily-obtained caged list.

And don't let them pretend that this isn't part and parcel of how they expect to win. They know they're not going to win votes based on their policies at this point — hence with talking about Bill Ayers the "terrorist" BFF of Obama, hence with running nothing but negative ads, hence with not calling out their supporters on yelling "Kill him!" or "Off with his head" at rallies. But if they can't win with that, they'll win with this and hope that, as has always been the case, disenfranchised voters will head home and not scream, shout or try voting again. Because, after all, there's another election they want to win by hook or by crook next year, and a win's a win as George Bush proved in 2000.

States’ Actions to Block Voters Appear Illegal [NY Times]
Voter Reigstration Lawsuits Could Shape Nov. 4 Election [Chicago Tribune]
Voter Caging [Project Vote]
Voter Caging [Wikipedia]
Voter Supression [ePluribus Media]
Botched Name Purge Denied Some the Right to Vote [Washington Post]
Kansas GOP Chair Sends Email Boasting of Voter Caging [Crooks & Liars]
Kansas Republican Party Officials [Kansas GOP]
Lose Your House, Lose Your Vote [Michigan Messenger]
New NCRC Study Shows Racial Disparities In High-Cost Lending Remain Entrenched [National Community Reinvestment Coalition]
Democrats, Florida Elections Officials Criticize GOP Mailing [St. Petersburg Times]
Ohio Republicans Use Lawsuit To Fight for State's Crucial Votes [Wall Street Journal]
GOP Smells Rat in Ohio [NY Post]
Nearly 600,000 Subject to Possible Caging in Ohio [Miller-McCune]
Immigration [U.S. Chamber of Commerce]
Red Flag On Purging Voter Rolls [CBS News]

• Sarah Palin is, like, so annoyed that Katie Couric, like, insisted on asking questions and talking about what she wanted to talk about instead of just letting Sarah bash Obama. Because that's how an "interview" works. To be fair, though, Palin had been on Fox News with Hannity first. [Huffington Post]
• She was also really sad when she read the papers this morning and found out that the campaign was pulling out of Michigan. They didn't tell her in advance that they were pulling out or that they don't care what she thinks about the Big Boy campaign stuff. [Politico]
• The United Steelworkers think he might be forced out of Pennsylvania, too. [Huffington Post]
• In the mean time, though, they've got an ad featuring a quote from a Famous Person. It turns out that person is Peggy Noonan, but it does make her look completely in the tank for McCain, not that anyone cares about anyone being in the tank for anyone other than Obama. [Washington Post]

• Now that California has seen how easy it is to get money from the government, they'd like $7 billion, please. [CNN]
• Now that the government owns Fannie Mae, you can stop foreclosure by simply shooting yourself. Easy! [CNN]
• President Bush already signed the bailout bill because actual fundamentals, like unemployment, of the economy continue to suck. [Washington Post, NY Times]
• Oh, and if you thought it laughable that Sarah Palin can claim to have foreign policy experience by virtue of the fact that she can "see" Russia from your backyard, McCain advisor Richard Fontaine claimed John McCain got some fucking that Brazilian model way back in the day. Angela Merkel promptly vowed to never take her eyes off him is he gets elected. That Bush back massage was bad enough.[The Miami Herald]

• The original terrorist — not the fist bumping kind — knows who he wants us to elect. Surprise! It's John McCain. [US News & World Report]
• That might be because he escaped us at least twice by going into Pakistan and because our troops weren't allowed to walk into Pakistan, and John McCain plans to continue that policy. [CBS News]
• And, like he plans to leave Pakistan alone, McCain's decided to leave Michigan alone, too. Guess they figured that they wouldn't be able to disenfranchise enough foreclosed-upon voters to eke out a win after all. [Washington Post]
• Since he's staying the course in Philly, though, voter intimidation tactics continue apace. [Philly.com]

• Because, if he doesn't, he's pretty well fucked in the electoral college. [Politico]
• Sort of like Sarah Palin's wrist supposedly is. Unless it's just a tactic to garner some sympathy, which it totally is. How many women around John McCain have to sport bum wrists before someone starts asking questions? [Politico]
• Barack and Michelle will celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow with a quiet dinner that Barack requested the press pool leave them alone for. Fat chance, sucker. We want pictures, and so does Axelrod. [Huffington Post]
• Oh, hey, Bob Barr is still running! He thinks McCain is a hypocrite. Run, Bob, Run! [The Hill]
• Also, women find Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is a sexist hypocrite. [Pandagon]
• Wall Street Journal reporter Dorothy Rabinowitz thinks that overreaching surveillance by our government that is eroding our civil rights is totes okay with her because people died on September 11th. What's that saying? Those who would sacrifice freedom for security... [Washington Independent]

• McCain suggested he might suspend his campaign again so that he can really broker a bailout plan to save the country and be a hero... and we all know how well that worked out the last time. [The Nation]
• An actuarial company has predicted that McCain has a 25 percent chance of dying in office his second term, which is why Sarah Palin is cracking jokes about Joe Biden's age and asked people whether they want "the new energy, the new face, the new ideas" in the White House in her new interview with Katie Couric. [MSNBC, Politico]
• By the way, despite the fact that Republican leaders initially claimed it was Pelosi's partisan speech that caused Republicans to vote against the bailout plan — a stance mocked by no less than Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann and Rush Limbaugh — it turns out that it was actually Newt Gingrich's fault! He ginned up opposition to the bill to test the waters for a 2012 Presidential run before releasing a tepid statement of support while the Members he conned voted his will in the floor. Dick. [Huffington Post, Huffington Post, Politico, Huffington Post]
• The Republican strategy to win in Ohio — as in Michigan before that — remains to disenfranchise new, poor and minority voters. For real. It's easier than winning based on your candidate or the issues, apparently. [MSNBC, Michigan Messenger]

• Palin's former aides admit that she's a little ADD about debate prep but usually pulls it out in the end because she's all charming and shit. [LA Times, Andrew Sullivan]
• Palin gave her first newspaper interview — via e-mail, naturally — and managed not to stick her foot in it. Her staff managed to do little more than reiterate talking points in e-mail format, but it's a start. [Mat-Su Frontiersman]
• Gwen Ifill broke her ankle this week (Steve Schmidt has nothing to do with it, he swears) but neither rain nor snow nor dark of night will keep her from asking Sarah Palin about foreign policy. [Fishbowl LA]
• Bill Clinton plans to suck it up and do a couple of Obama rallies in Florida so people will stop saying he's bitter and not really keen on an Obama presidency. Now if only he can keep the passive-aggressive slights to himself while doing them! [The Guardian]

6:33 ET:
Ana: I swear the music right now is the Star Wars theme. I mean, I'm not certain, but maybe.

Megan: It was the theme to Dallas in St. Paul

6:35 ET
Ana: "SAR-AH, SAR-AH" chant started

Megan: OH GOD

Ana: And now... I'm sure of this: "Heart of rock'n'roll is still beating"
"the old boy may be barely breathing," indeed!

Megan: hahaha

Ana: Serious! Totally what's on right now.
"Famous" media types here: Terry Moran, Dana Bash, and... that's kind of it.

Megan: Dana Bash is so small in person I worry that just walking by her she'll break. I wish she would eat.

6:38 ET
Ana: Okay here we go! I'm refusing to stand up. Music: "Fanfare for the Common Man"

Megan: Ok, lame song choices. Typical GOP.

Ana: Well I love Copeland, but it's... not that creative.
Lots of "country first" signs

6:40 ET
Megan: Naturally. Republicans are all about putting The Country first. Except when it comes to taxes.

Ana: Lots of standing.
USA USA USA
I'm so used to only hearing that when code pink is in the house.
btw, just for fun: this is about 100x as big as any town hall i attended in NH, AND PEOPLE ARE STILL STANDING
"hello? the PRESS IS TRYING TO SEE."
"It is like it didn't happen if WE CAN'T SEE IT."

Megan: Well, Michigan does have a lot more people than New Hampshire, right? And I think the Republicans are deliberately trying to block the press. They hate the press, remember?

6:45 ET
Ana: I do feel hated.
OMG, I feel it coming... it's coming...
DRILL BABY DRILL
DRILL BABY DRILL
Ii may start that chant if she doesn't because it reminds me of Wonkette!
And, seriously, can't see a fucking thing.
Anna wanted to know what the audience is like. If I had to use one word to describe them it would probably be: White.

Megan: White like the stripes and stars in our flag white? Or just really pasty like me?

Ana: Pasty. Do you think SHP uses some kind of fall in the back to get that volume she has?
I ask as someone who desperately needs volume.

6:50 ET
Megan: I'm going with hot rollers, some teasing and a lot of hairspray. I have had wedding hair once this year already, that's how I got it. But it's very time-consuming.

Ana: Oh, Anna also asked about what people are wearing. I would say, "late Walmart,"maybe last fall.
"From time to time, Sarah and I don't agree on every issue... what do you expect of two mavericks??"
er...

Megan: Um, does maverick now just mean people that disagree with one another? Can we finally retire the fucking word after this week? Please?

Ana: Maverick=cranky? Or maybe "colic-y"
USA USA USA
btw, this might actually be a town hall. At least that's the sign in the back.

Megan: Whoa, he's having a town hall in a town hall?

6:55 ET
Ana: No no. It says "STRAIGHT TALK TOWN HALL" above the stage

Megan: Oh, well, if it's just a town hall where ever he says it's a town hall, he better not knock on my fucking door. My place is not big enough for that shit.

Ana: "Governor Palin and I will not raise anyone's taxes... the worst thing anyone can do is raise taxes"
Except maybe get into a hugely expensive, unnecessary war! That might be worse!

Megan: Torturing people is also pretty bad. I keep hearing that from somewhere.

7:00 ET
Ana: "We're going to stop running Wall Street like a casino" he says. There goes my investment strategy! I wish I was kidding.

Megan: No, shit, he really said that? Like Wall Street isn't already a crap shoot?

Ana: I think that was his point. He wants it to be more like.. a bingo parlor? Maybe a Scrabble tournament.

Megan: Boggle, definitely Boggle.

Ana: PEGGY HILL WOULD RUN THE FED! Which I for one would welcome.

Megan: I think Peggy Hill might be as competent as anyone.

Ana: USA USA USA!
Now... questions! From the audience!

Megan: From the hand-selected audience of "real" people who happen to be white Republicans in Michigan.

Ana: First question: "Have you read 'America Alone'?" and a bunch of stuff about how dangerous terrorists are. No actually this guy was kind of pissed. "I don't believe you" when you say you'll defeat the terrorists. The guy was in fact a white Michigander, presumably a Republican, but was not particularly friendly. UNLESS IT IS A TRICK.

Megan: McCain: not torture-ific and bomb-Iran-y enough for the American heartland.

7:05 ET
Ana: That was his slogan in 2000.
Mark Halperin is shooting video RIGHT NOW. It may be on the PAGE as we type

Megan: If he is live-streaming this, I am going to be sort of jealous.

Ana: I don't think so. I'm not sure he knows how to use iphoto.
Sarah just said, "Sometimes my running mate is too humble."

Megan: Ok, I'm officially calling that the biggest lie of the night.

Ana: Unless it's this: "In 2006, it was John McCain who was warning about Freddie and Fannie." Perhaps someone can Google that.
Now he's saying that Social Security will go broke, which is not exactly the truth either.

Megan: Oh, ok, well, now I am TOTALLY CONVINCED that I want a private account.

Ana: As my father would insist. And yes, IMAGINE HOW GREAT YOUR PRIVATE ACCOUNT WOULD BE DOING NOW

Megan: About as good as my 401k, one assumes. Maybe worse.

7:10 ET
Ana: I'm sure this is totally genuine: "I'm a former life-long Democrat who campaigned for Hillary Clinton... and I'm also a PUMA... and the Rs have welcomed me with open arms." Audience member shouted, "We love you!" and she responded: "I love you too." Oh, but her question is good: "Can you give us some details, and your strategy and plans, for economic empowerment for women?"

Megan: More training and education!

Ana: Sarah Palin jumps in to mention "I am a product of Title IX" which is totally an appropriate answer if you mean LITERAL EMPOWERMENT, like, pumping iron and shit.
Oooh but wait, "If we have to keep going down that road" — of legislation — "then that's where we'll be." She can't possibly mean that because McCain has voted against legislation like that... whatever. They're MAVERICKS!

Megan: She'll say one thing and he'll do another and together they'll convince the American electorate that things are going so swimmingly!

7:15 ET
Ana: It's like a romantic comedy that ends like "Saving Private Ryan."

Megan: Completely off-topic, but that stupid modern-day bookending that Spielberg did there practically ruined that fucking movie for me.

Ana: Well, a lot of things ruined that movie for me, including the basic premise.

Megan: But then there were hot guys who said "fuck" a lot and I'm a simple person.

Ana: "The Sopranos" must have gotten you very excited.

Megan: If I'd had HBO, it probably would have, not that James Gandolfini is hot.

Ana: Now he's saying that when people retire from gov't jobs, "we'll see if a computer can replace them." I hope he didn't expect applause in Michigan for that.

Megan: Yay robots! Yeah mechanization! Dude, have his speechwriters been to Michigan before? Can they really not excise one line?

7:20 ET
Ana: He's a MAVERICK, Megan. Sometimes he and his speechwriters disagree!
Terry Moran is standing in the back shaking his head in what, I dare say, is disgust.

Megan: And he lets them win! That's totally maverick-y.

Ana: He is taking notes ON PAPER, btw, not a LOT of notes, but he's clearly old... or older school.

Megan: That's very pre-automation of him.

Ana: Other notes from the press filing center: Schmidt has grown a goatee.

Megan: Is it a good one?

Ana: Young doctor just asked about malpractice reform. McCain asks how much he owes and then says: "That's the first thing I want to do, is make sure young people like that don't graduate in debt for a quarter of a million dollars." Of course I'm sure he means he'll nationalize the secondary education system.

Megan: Well, once we get done with the financial services system...

Ana: Schmidt's goatee is obviously a little new. Mark Salter's sort of hot assistant is not here. McCain campaign a little short on hotties, but politics is like that in general

Megan: Yes, tell me about it.

7:25 ET
Ana: Yes, sorry. Ii am the lucky married woman. I just pay attention for aesthetics sake.

Megan: More hotties need to go into politics. I was going to comment on your cute husband, but decided to refrain but if it's just for aesthetics sake, your husband is kinda cute.

Ana: He is!
btw, someone just asked "if you can be a mother and still be vice president" in a sarcastic way.

Megan: Is sarcasm allowed in Michigan? I was told it's not.

Ana: Her answer, among other platitudes: "This is the party that embraces the change and the progress that American women are creating and deserving"

Megan: [brain explodes] That got a lot of applause, didn't it.

7:30 ET
Ana: Sorry my brain was leaking out of my ears.
I can't decide if I admire the volume Sarah has or if it makes her look like a cone head. (see, BRAIN EXPLODED)

Megan: Wait, maybe the volume is because her brain already exploded. Maybe she didn't used to be all Republican-y and then she heard someone say stuff like this and her brain exploded! Maybe it's contagious!

7:35 ET
Ana: RINO-virus, AS IT WERE!
Sorry. I am going to continue to rely on the fact that my brain is still liquified

Megan: Maybe all that sniffing at Republican events is just them trying to keep their brains in and not coke after all.

Ana: Or allergies.
"China is a growing power in the world"
20 year old college student asking about college aid. This might be interesting.
"I'm not even able to receive the health care I need, not even to get better"
"I'd like to know what you have in place... to actually make us better, healthier people."
"I can't go to the doctor when I need to"
"right now i have bronchitis"
"and that is where I have to be before I seek care, and I have to be afraid because I might not be able to pay for it."
Very moving

Megan: Yes, well, McCain will give you a tax credit, little Cindy Lou Who, then pat you on the head and send you to bed. To die.

Ana: And then he said "I don't believe government should be running health care" and everyone applauded.
AND YES SHE WILL GET A TAX CREDIT
"Ao you can get a health insurance policy that YOU CHOOSE" but that you still may not be able to afford. Sorry.

Megan: Well, you know, the Magical Market will fix all of that. Like it did with our overabundance of solvent financial services companies.

7:40 ET
Ana: And somehow he started talking about childhood obesity, which is a huge issue! (as it were)

Megan: Wait, I thought Huckabee lost?

Ana: But that girl with bronchitis is just going to be sick for awhile.

Megan: Yeah, get the girl some Mucinex and a free Advair sample and call it a day.

Ana: Maybe she just needs a humidifier

Megan: Oooh, one of the Vicks Vap-o-rub ones!

Ana: SHP just got a q about what experiences she has that make her ready to be VP.

Megan: Shooting moose! Birthing kids!

Ana: I assumed that would be met with silence so I stopped taking notes, but apparently she's the Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard.

Megan: They went to war with Russia, right?

7:45 ET
Ana: At the very least, they had a staring contest BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY CAN SEE THEM.
Okay now appears to be winding down. How can i wrap this up for you?

Megan: I usually say something about how I'm going to get drunk and people think I'm kidding.

Ana: Oh breaking: "NO MORE POLITICS AS USUAL." SARAH SAID SO
Well I'm going to test out just how much the relationship between the McCain campaign and the press corps has changed
because they used to get drunk with us a lot. I will be doing some investigative reporting and then let you know.

Megan: Sweet, I look forward to it!

Ana: (Though I am, to quote someone we know, "not Woodward and Bernstein.")

Megan: Really, who is, or would want to be?

Ana: Bernstein.

• The McCain strategist who thought it was a brilliant idea to have him give a speech at the Lorraine Motel on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's assassination to apologize for having voted against MLK Day should probably not keep his job. [CBS News]
  
• The advance staffer who gave the world the image of an African-American man holding an umbrella over McCain during the speech needs to go, too. [HuffPo]
  
• Hillary Clinton's speechwriters, who wrote a speech that, for once, actually played to her oratorical skills, should stay. The guy who decided to coin the phrase "Poverty Czar"? Probably not. [NY Times]
  
• Oooh, blind item: which one of you lesbian, bonerkilling commentwhores was dragged out of a Hillary event in Los Angeles? Fess up! [Breitbart]

• Hillary's tax returns are out, and yeah, the Clintons are ridiculously rich. [Yahoo]
• One would think that there'd be no way to make a story about Clinton and Madonna boring. One would think wrong. [HuffPo]
• Even though he took $10 million from Hillary's campaign and then used his position of prominence as a lobbyist to undercut her stance against the Colombian Free Trade Agreement, Mark Penn gets to just apologize and continue raking in that cash. [Politico]
• Speaking of unemployment, it's up, of course. [LA Times]
• But the Michigan do-over is down for the count. [WaPo]
• Not that there aren't bigger election problems other places, like ZImbabwe. [WaPo]
• In case you want a little quiet reflection on events past but always remembered, you can read RFK's words about MLK's assassination, the words of the witnesses to the assassination (who still haven't been questioned by police?) and then a somber piece about why so many people fear for Obama's safety, even today.

The story about the woman who walked into the University of Michigan frathouse, took a seat on a couch and commenced masturbating for a half hour is full of holes: How come it took her a half hour? Did she not have a vibrator? What sort of woman voluntarily sits on a fraternity house couch? Luckily, Jezzy's automotively inclined brother blogger (haha! brother blogger! so if we sucumbed to his advances it would be INCEST!!) Jalopnik attended the very prestigious institution of higher education that played host to this curious event, so when his expertise met our extensive self-hating self-love experience over IM, we were able to crack the case in approximately 13 minutes. Like Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hartigay! Only bloggers! I mean, WITHOUT the sexual tension!! Why she did it, why they called the cops and the mystery of why they need to get rid of two separate couches solved, after the jump.

Why Two Couches?

InspectorMoe: so in your view
InspectorMoe: is this story true?
InspectorMoe: aren't they sort of pussies for throwing out the couches?
InspectorMoe: Did she actually masturbate on two couches?
InspectorMoe: Or did one couch just catch the other couch's cooties?
Jalopnixxx: The story is totally true. Since most New York Times staff writers come from the University of Michigan, it's got to be the truth. It just has to.
InspectorMoe: could "she" have been a rival frat pledge?
InspectorMoe: I thought they all came from Harvard.
InspectorMoe: how much would you estimate those couches will fetch on eBay?
Jalopnixxx: Yes, they're huge twats for throwing out the couches. One would expect that for many a young and privileged PIKE fratboy, that's the most pussy they could have gotten without paying for it.
InspectorMoe: would you bid?
Jalopnixxx: Oh no, I already have a number of pussy-scented couches
InspectorMoe: hahahaha
InspectorMoe: ha!
InspectorMoe: my couch smells like pussy too, but what do you expect? I'm a BLOGGER
Jalopnixxx: I'm wondering myself why it's two couches they're tossing.

What Took So Long?

InspectorMoe: I love how they're all "Obviously, she was very disturbed."
Jalopnixxx: I'm thinking maybe some of the members may have been spending some time working on their own personal "love-making" techniques on the other couch.
Jalopnixxx: Obviously not. Maybe she was overcome by the PIKE house and their man-musk.
InspectorMoe: I'd be disturbed if it took me a half an hour to come?
Jalopnixxx: I mean, have you ever slept with a frat-boy before?
InspectorMoe: a few
Jalopnixxx: You'd be lucky to come after four or five hours
InspectorMoe: i don't really remember
Jalopnixxx: They on the other hand
InspectorMoe: it was after i'd passed out usually
Jalopnixxx: I'll assume it's a 30-second timeframe for them
InspectorMoe: yeah i don't usually achieve orgasm when i'm blacked out
Jalopnixxx: I can imagine.
InspectorMoe: so yeah um ... if she was there for 30 minutes
InspectorMoe: why did it take them so long to call the police?
InspectorMoe: if they are such pussies
InspectorMoe: and they actually call the police over that sort of thing.
Jalopnixxx: That's an excellent question. I'll cross-apply my answer on the two v. one couch question
Jalopnixxx: It could very well be that she wasn't interested in helping along some of the lovely man-meat, and that was why they wanted nothing to do with it.

Moe Correctly Guesses Ray's Frat, On The First Try

InspectorMoe: were you in a fraternity?
Jalopnixxx: I actually was/
InspectorMoe: I'd like to know how other frathouses might have responded differently to the same set of circumstances
Jalopnixxx: Well, at our house we would have had to ask whether she was appropriately kosher
Jalopnixxx: If she wasn't, we'd have had to move her to another couch, and off of the dairy one.
InspectorMoe: were you in ZBT or something?
Jalopnixxx: Ding!
InspectorMoe: AE 3.14
Jalopnixxx: First guess
InspectorMoe: wow, i'm so so good
InspectorMoe: so yeah
Jalopnixxx: That easy to tell, eh?
InspectorMoe: here's what happened:
InspectorMoe: no it was just the first jewy frat that came to mind
InspectorMoe: my impression of ZBT is generally more barney's and hair product than you
Jalopnixxx: And how jewy we were
Jalopnixxx: Well, I'm a Ca-shew
Jalopnixxx: Ca-Jew
InspectorMoe: right, SO.
Jalopnixxx: So I didn't always fit in
InspectorMoe: oooh a jewopy
InspectorMoe: jewopnik

Moe Cracks Case, More Like Vinny D. than Mariska Now That We Think About It

InspectorMoe: HERE is what happened, as I see it.
Jalopnixxx: Ok, throw down
InspectorMoe: She comes in, starts getting off on the sofa
InspectorMoe: She's, like, in Theta, and this is just a hazing ritual
InspectorMoe: the first part of the ritual was to replicate the contents of anna nicole's fridge
InspectorMoe: and consume them.
InspectorMoe: the second part was to go into the frat house
InspectorMoe: and start poking herself or whatever
InspectorMoe: Pike was stoked.
InspectorMoe: But she got a little performance anxiety
InspectorMoe: so she was like, "talk dirty to me"
Jalopnixxx: That like, totally makes sense. That little bitch wasn't supposed to just, you know, get the police involved.
InspectorMoe: and they got all "her breasts..felt like bags of sand".....
InspectorMoe: and she was like, fuck you, I'm calling someone in ZBT
InspectorMoe: THAT is a frat that knows how to concoct a good scenario
InspectorMoe: hence the cell phone "conversation"
InspectorMoe: pussies (of the Pike sort) were humiliated.
InspectorMoe: liquor was consumed
Jalopnixxx: Doesn't she know that when a frat-boy tells her to do something, she's supposed to, you know, do it. Except anal. Cause that shit's totally gross. Unless she's conservative christian.
Jalopnixxx: Thats called birth control
InspectorMoe: and HERE's another thing
InspectorMoe: their couches were totally nasty already obvs.
Jalopnixxx: Oh yeah, what's that?
Jalopnixxx: Obvs
InspectorMoe: so they're just using this as an excuse!
InspectorMoe: to collect emergency funds from the national organization
InspectorMoe: and hit POTTERY BARN
Jalopnixxx: For new couches!
Jalopnixxx: Awesome!
InspectorMoe: CASE CLOSED!

Masturbating Trespasser Booted From Frat [Michigan Daily]