JASON: Good morning, sunshine.

MEGAN: Harrumph. My mother used to mock me in the mornings like that when I lived at home.

JASON: I'm sure your mother didn't see it as mocking you.

MEGAN: No, you haven't met my parents, mocking one another's foibles is part of our deal. We tend to talk a lot about my father's bathroom habits, too.

JASON: The whole Carpentier family coat-of-arms must be disturbing to look at!

MEGAN: Holidays are fun in my house. One year, after chili was consumed, we forced my father to fart outside, only it was so cold that when he went out there his asshole puckered up too tight to squeeze it out. We still tell that story with glee.

JASON: Wow. Now if that doesn't read like the lost verse of the Little Drummer Boy! "My asshole is frozen shut, pa-rump-pump-pump-pum!"

MEGAN: The real problem is finding a news story to tie to that, which I'm at a loss for, so I'm just going to embed "Jizz in My Pants" at this moment, which is what prompted all my scatological Christmas memories.

Which reminded me of my friend ****, who about 10 years ago around this time told me how he did that exact same thing over Thanksgiving break at a strip club in front of all his friends. And, finally, I can embed a news story. Indian authorities are making the Mumbai terrorist parade around in nothing but his undies to prevent him from killing himself. I'm assuming that, if he were like my friend, keeping him in his underwear might actually provoke suicide.

JASON: "Jizz In My Pants" will be the first single from INCREDIBAD, by Andy Samberg's old comedy group, The Lonely Island, who are the people behind the SNL Digital Shorts.

MEGAN: For whatever reason, I read "Lonely Island" as "Long Island," but that might be because that's from whence my quick-to-the-draw friend hails.

JASON: Look, I'm just glad that someone has a definition of "extreme lengths" that stops at "making him wear nothing but underwear" and doesn't involve the sort of things that make Mike Mukasey jizz in his pants. "I hook electrodes, to a brown man's balls and I JIZZ IN MY PANTS."

MEGAN: You know whom else I'm betting lets loose with a couple of teaspoons-full now and again? Michael Chertoff, when he's listening to illegal wiretap tapes. Also, a ton of liberals when Bush said "Welcome to my hanging" this weekend.

JASON: Oh, no doubt. Though Chertoff mostly spews graveyard dust out of his dessicated ghoul-cock. You know Chertoff is a guy that Baby Jesus hates the most. "Waaah. Living-dead abomination! Jizzing graveyeard dust!"

MEGAN: He is, without a doubt, the creepiest-looking guy in Washington. You'd think that he'd look less creepy in person, that maybe it's the TV lights or something. But, no. He really does look exactly that frightening.

JASON: Yeah. And you know, he's not scary-looking? Like we don't even get any sort of terrorist deterrence out of the fact that he's the creepiest fuck in the world. He'd actually be better off if he drew a mad face on a paper bag and wore it around Washington. I guess after Obama takes office it's back to the Jim Rose Sideshow with that guy!

MEGAN: Nah, his wife might get mad if he wore it outside of the bedroom.

JASON: Does he have a wife? I naturally assumed the man fucked mummies, like Dick Morris.

MEGAN: Looking like Chertoff does have it's advantages, though. Like, he always has a Halloween costume. I mean, who does a better Holocaust victim than Michael Chertoff, really?

JASON: OHHH!

MEGAN: Too soon?

JASON: No, no, this was inevitable! Of course, Janet Napolitano has all those qualities that Ed Rendell finds so fascinating.

MEGAN: Tits? Tell me Ed Rendell isn't a titty-fucker. Girls with big boobs recognize 'em a mile away.

JASON: He said: "Janet's perfect for that job. Because for that job, you have to have no life. Janet has no family. Perfect. She can devote, literally, 19-20 hours a day to it."

MEGAN: And, in context of titty-fucking, that statement becomes truly hilarious. If Ed Rendell had a bigger dick, I'd say she'd need a chin guard to prevent bruising. But he doesn't, so I won't. 19-20 hours, though, he'd' best buy stock in Astroglide.

JASON: It's important to point out, AGAIN, something I pointed out throughout the election. And that is that Ed Rendell is the dopiest dumbass in politics. I have no idea how this goober-fuck became Governor of Pennsylvania. It certainly doesn't speak well of Pennsylvanians, and I'm almost sad that Chris Matthews looks like he's gonna re-up at MSNBC, because the Pennsylvanians would have a good chance to prove just how inane they are by putting his dumb ass in the Senate.

MEGAN: Now, let's be fair. Rendell wouldn't even rank in the bottom 10 of dope-y Senators.

JASON: Well, he ranks well among Governors.

MEGAN: He might be number 11, sure, but I don't even think he's stellar enough at being a dumbfuck to rank that high in the Senate.

JASON: He's just such a side-splitting ass, and like Matthews, he's got all these pretensions of knowing what it's like to be working class.

MEGAN: Well, speaking of assholes who like to pretend they're down with the average Joe, Bill Jefferson finally lost re-election in Louisiana. To a Republican community organizer.

JASON: I feel like the Dems in Congress got lucky, there. Now they don't have to make excuses for why they never gave that shitheel Jefferson the mad shun when he was in office.

MEGAN: Nope, now they can focus on not talking about why they won't do anything about Corruption King Charlie Rangel, whose stupefying corruption in office makes Jefferson's bribes seem tame by comparison.

JASON: His legislative director was named one of The Hill's Fifty Most Beautiful People in 2008. They said she had "a mysterious kind of beauty - the kind that unfolds by the minute." I said, "But she works for Louisiana Representative William Jefferson, so hidden in those folds are thousands of dollars in bribes." Yeah, they like, uncover something new and shady about ol' Charlie everyday, don't they? He's become an embarrassment, too.

MEGAN: It's sad, actually, some of his staff were really, really good and they all got completely fucked by his bribe-schemes. Hell, even his colleagues he worked with on African Growth and Opportunity Act (AGOA) saw their accomplishments tarnished by Jefferson's use of the act to gin up money for himself and his relatives.

JASON: Yep. For the 300,000 people applying to put the change in change.gov, I recommend you vet your prospective boss at least as thoroughly as they're vetting you.

MEGAN: Charlie Rangel is beyond embarrassing. You have the chairman of the committee in charge of taxation — including a push to close the tax gap, i.e., reduce cheating — cheating on his fucking taxes. Let alone keeping multi-million dollars in tax breaks afloat for big donors to his library, let alone hitting up every lobbyist in his office for said donations. Let alone using affordable housing units for his offices to avoid having to put his Harlem office in a less ritzy part of Harlem when there's a crisis in affordable housing in New York City.

JASON: I mean, take a walk through his Wikipedia page, and it's a long list of embarrassing offenses. He's probably got one of the safest seats in the goddamn world, though.

MEGAN: Charlie Rangel puts Dollar Bill Jefferson's penny-ante "pay me money and I'll introduce you to African dictators" scheme to shame. But, yeah, he's not going anywhere in his district. And I guarantee the "Ethics" Committee's "investigation" will result in a light tap on the wrist — the kind these very Democrats castigated them for when they did it to Tom DeLay — and they'll hope everyone forgets about it.

JASON: They need to find his fridge full of money.

MEGAN: Bitch, please. Charlie Rangel's probably got it in the floorboards of his house in the Dominican Republic. Too bad you can't ask his wife, since he halted their divorce so she couldn't testify.

JASON: True that. Look, this is why I tell people: send your incumbents home! This is what happens when people never lose their seats, ever. Give them a taste of that undeserved immortality...

MEGAN: Another thing to tell people: do not make Fran Drescher the Senator from New York.

JASON: OY. Whatever the opposite of jizzing in my pants is, I just did it.

MEGAN: Well, then, the thought of George Bush kissing Barbra Streisand can't make it any worse.

JASON: Yep. Basically, my left ball is now off on a merry adventure in my bowels.

MEGAN: Hopefully, it will re-emerge by the time your extremely cute wife gets home from work. Otherwise, please apologize to her from me. I don't try to ruin other women's sex lives.

JASON: Hey, he'll just re-emerge stronger.

MEGAN: Is it weird that I'm having a vision of a Lemmiwinks-like quest for your nut?

JASON: Yes. Yes it is.

MEGAN: Sorry. It's been that kind of morning. I just hope you don't cough it up.

JASON: I'm just going to remember touching Kate Beckinsale last week, and I'll be fine.

ANA MARIE: Ready when you are.

MEGAN: I am personally ready to go back to bed, pull my covers over my head and stay there for several hours, but I'm happy to write this first.

ANA MARIE: Yeah I'm in the same mood. But what's on your mind?

MEGAN: You mean, other than the fact that hardly anyone still cares about politics enough to read about it?

The most pronounced declines were in traffic at popular news Web sites, which saw a steady increase for months. The tide crested as Americans went to the polls; MSNBC.com, which has been the most popular news site for several months, had 25.1 million unique visitors during the week of the election (it also reported 471 million page views on Election Day — a record for the site). Since then, millions of visitors have gone elsewhere, according to Nielsen Online.

MEGAN: Well, I know how I'm doing in terms of traffic, and it comes down to "Where my bitches at?" But, really, are the latest polls and Electoral College speculations news either? Sarah Palin's manhandling of the English language? Tucker Bounds' endless enthusiasm for getting his ass handed to him on national TV?

ANA MARIE: Well that was a story with a definitive ending. Twists and turns and some fake outs, but there was going to be an end, and people wanted to see how it'd turn out. The Obama story is just getting started. We don't have a sense of who the characters are (where is the damn fucking PUPPY?), who the villains are, what the great struggles will be...

MEGAN: Whether the puppy is house trained...

ANA MARIE: WHAT PAPER WILL IT POOP ON????? THAT, my friend, is the way we solve business model for the MSM. What paper will have the honor of being the First Puppy's training pad.

MEGAN: What is an environmentally responsible way to clean up dog shit on the White House lawn... and will the girls have to do it?

ANA MARIE: I sort of hope the girls have to do it. It's good practice for dating (I.e., discovering cute things can make horrible messes).

MEGAN: Wow, and suddenly I have a reason to blame my sister's allergies for the whole of my adult life. Okay, so, the other thing is I guess there's a good reason Obama will be giving up his Blackberry and it's not even just to avoid the Freedom Of Information Act — or it's not going to be now.

ANA MARIE: I wonder if you can really call it "hacking" if they were employees who likely just snooped where they shouldn't have. I mean, that sort of elevates "being a dick" to something that sounds technologically sophisticated. I am offended on the part of hackers.

MEGAN: True that, it wasn't really "hacking" as much as it was using their privileges for unauthorized purposes. The Paris Hilton Sidekick hackers are totally offended.

ANA MARIE: It's also true that by that logic, no one in the White House or, really, anywhere in government should have a cell phone. Unauthorized searches, they're not just for the Bush Administration anymore! This is what happens when you gives telcoms immunity! They get cocky!

MEGAN: Yes, and half of the Ohio government too, it seems, since they were all furiously digging into Joe The Motherfucking Plumber, and not in a sexytime way.

ANA MARIE: That's the thing about having a job with access to sensitive information — at some point, you probably are going to be in a position where your curiosity gets the better of you. I actually don't know if I have a problem with employees LOOKING UP that info. Because how do you restrict people who normally have a reason to be looking up random people's dirty secrets? The issue here might have been, you know, telling the media.

MEGAN: Yes, that part. I mean, I have a problem if someone at my cell phone provider goes, ooh, look, she wrote something online I didn't like, let's go learn about her life! But I have less of a problem if someone wants to dig through my state records and find an unpaid parking ticket. I have a bigger problem if they then tell people about it. I mean, this was the State Department scandal last year — and it turns out that it was actually easy to restrict access, it's just nobody did so.

ANA MARIE: That's probably as good a segue as any to my favorite aspect of the Clinton SecState pick-or-no-pick: How much of it is simply fucking with other possible appointees? Al Kamen examines the "whither Richardson" part of it here. But of course the real loser in a Hillary as SecState situation is Kerry. He is a loser generally.

MEGAN: Well, Obama's team is confirming they're serious, finally. I don't think it's fucking with Richardson, Kerry, Hagel or Nunn, I think it's just going, um, Kerry, no, Hagel, no, Nunn, definitely not, and Richardson should have thought about his political career instead of his dick for a while now.

ANA MARIE: I do no believe a word I read on Politico, but apparently the WSJ has similar confirmation.

MEGAN: I don't necessarily believe a word I read anywhere, but it seems like if it wasn't serious than, like Pritzker, they would have cut it off at the knees more than a week ago.

ANA MARIE: I think this is a more complicated situation than Pritzker. Also, Obama has nothing to lose here, if the situation is that he wants to offer it to her. The only bad play is if it turns out he was never serious. Then he looks like a dick. But weeks of speculation, followed by an offer? She turns him down=she will be more powerful in the Senate and gets to be her own woman. He looks magnamious. She accepts=he looks wise, she probably does an okay job AND she's off the radar for 2012.

MEGAN: And a huge dick at that, and I just don't think that Axelrod or Gibbs would have been letting this go on if it wasn't serious consideration. I love, by the way, that every time I hear a story about liberals being upset about this, she's called "pro-war." Like, guys, really? Hillary Clinton is really not particularly hawkish and you're making yourselves look stupid.

ANA MARIE: Well, she was very much pro the particular war that was fucking us up for awhile.

MEGAN: She was very pro-Afghanistan, but who other than Barbara Lee wasn't in September 2001? Anyway, we should probably also talk about Mukasey collapsing, even though he's reportedly okay. Mukasey should be careful when giving speeches defending all the extra-legal shit this Administration has done, it takes a man with steel balls, an icy heart and a strong stomach to lie like Gonzales did for so long.

ANA MARIE: Which is why Dick Cheney will probably live forever.

MEGAN: Dick Cheney will only live as long as he has a fresh supply of innocent blood on which to feast. Speaking of, did you see Palin and the turkeys?

ANA MARIE: Ugh. I haven't eaten yet so I supposed if I look at all I should look now but ...

MEGAN: I am not squeamish about my omnivory, but if you get squicked, don't watch,

ANA MARIE: But I don't doubt that lady likes blood.

MEGAN: Basically, two turkeys get slaughtered and are bled out behind her as she talks — surprisingly well — about issues facing Alaska.

ANA MARIE: Well, she's not bad when she's on subjects that she knows something about. It's just that there are surprisingly few of those.

MEGAN: I think, strictly speaking, her lack of preparation speaks well for whomever are the candidates in 2012 (or, at least the one who has to pick a VP) to not play this stupid game of chicken to try to one-up the other side. If he had picked her in, like, June, then I think she wouldn't have been so terrible.

ANA MARIE: "How the Palin nomination would not have been so terrible" could be a very long book. A sad one, ultimately, and probably not one anyone would read. Speaking of which: I wonder what this downturn in interest in politics means for the kajillion Obama books that will be coming out!

MEGAN: I think once most Americans have their commemorative coins and plates, that will be about it.

ANA MARIE: Did Richard Wolffe let Obama beat him in basketball for nothing? "I sucked up to Obama for a year and a half and all I got was this lousy book contract."

MEGAN: Well, he might just want to wait until the Administration fucks something up and then do it as a tell-all of hubris and overconfidence or something.

ANA MARIE: Smart.

Mukasey's order sends the case back to the Board of Immigration Appeals, which, one hopes, will not act like complete assholes the second time around. Mukasey pointed out that female genital mutilation can, indeed, be inflicted more than once — making the ruling factually wrong — and that further persecution need not take the same form as the initial persecution to qualify the woman for asylum. So, the Bush Administration finally did something right... only, actually, it's all their fault in the first place.

Because, lest you forget, the immigration court judges are some of the many people Alberto Gonzales's minions — Monica Goodling and Kyle Sampson — helped get onto the bench based on a thorough vetting of their loyalty to George W. Bush and a not so thorough vetting of their immigration law background. In fact, many of them had no immigration law qualifications whatsoever when they began to serve as immigration judges. Some had previously attempted to get non-immigration judgeships and failed, due to a lack of qualifications in the field of law they'd actually practiced, but Gonzales, Goodling and Sampson ran the immigration court appointment process with little attention to pesky details like that. In fact, when they were running the immigration courts as a loyalty-reward outlet center, only 4 seats on the immigration courts were open to a competitive application process. Studies have shown that those who were hired while the Three Musketeers were at the helm (most of whom remain on the bench) are significantly more likely to reject asylum applications than judges hired under competitive application processes that actually have an immigration law background.

So, really, Mukasey wasn't doing anything more than he was hired to do — which is clean up the shit at the Justice Department that Alberto Gonzles, left behind. So, hooray for doing the right thing, eventually and under pressure from Congress! At least this asylum seeker will get to stay. The other ones the Bushies have been busy deporting, well, good luck to them.

AG: Don't Deport Genital Mutilation Victim [CNN]
Genital Mutilation Victim Gets A New Chance At Asylum In U.S. [LA Times]
Immigration Judges Lack Apt Backgrounds [LA Times]
Immigration Judges Often Picked Based On GOP Ties [Washington Post]
Vetted Judges More Likely to Reject Asylum Bids [NY Times]

• John McCain told a crowd that the "people who decide these things" told him there would be 2-3 Supreme Court vacancies soon. Of course, those are lifetime appointments, so it's either that McCain's in contact with Death or he's forgotten one of the fundamentals of the third branch of our democracy. [HuffPo]
• Speaking of idiocy, Attorney General Michael Mukasey decided today that no one will be punished for the illegal hiring practices in the Department of Justice under Alberto Gonzales. You know, because no one cares, except for those people denied jobs for not being Republican-y enough. And maybe the people fired. And those people transferred for not complying. And Democrats. Well, hardly anyone, anyway! [International Herald Tribune]
• In a blast from the past, corrupt bribe-taking Republican Congressman Bob Ney is getting out of the slammer soon! Democrats have already started a collection to send him to Minneapolis for Labor Day, since he helped them so much in the 2006 elections. [HuffPo]

• Cindy Sheehan, who has vowed to never disappear from the media spotlight ever again, has qualified to run against House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in November as an Independent. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer would be rubbing his hands with anticipation, but even he's sick of Cindy Sheehan. [HuffPo]
• Suicide bomber recruiters have apparently tired of using women as suicide bombers and started dressing men up like women to do it. Just kidding! Real women will return to bombing next week. [LA Times]
• New York City's abortion rate is up to 72 abortions for every 100 live births, which is almost 3 times the national average. Advocates blame it on a lack of access to affordable birth control and a reduction in birth control usage. Anti-abortion advocates have already started calling New York City Gemorrah, since they already used up Sodom on San Francisco. [Crane's]
• Mark Penn thinks Obama needs to play up McCain's "record" on women's issues. This is the type of advice you get when Mark Penn isn't getting paid millions of dollars to play divide-and-conquer with your staff. [Politico]