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New York, 10:02 PM
Tue Dec 15
67 posts in the last 24 hours
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And now that i'm older I regret so much that I went even a day thinking my mother didn't love me (because she didn't fuss over me and burst into tears when I was hurt like other Ghanaian mothers did) because she did. She so did. And she does. She's just a lot more calm personality-wise. When I was ill she left the only country she's ever lived in and moved to a strange country for six months to deal with doctors and insurance and surgeries and general hell. I saw her cry in that time period only once. And it was behind a curtain, when she thought I couldn't see her! But after I was well she took her braids extensions out and every strand of her natural hair had turned stark white.
I'm blessed to have two phenomenal parents and people have always been envious of my dad and the relationship I have with him. But my mother is the rock of our family. And now, that i'm older and see the pressure that women face to only nurture in a particular, socially-accepted, pseudo-hysterical mother I know that my mother not freaking out when I was hurt as a child, or not letting me sleep in her bed at 10 if I wasn't really scared, or not buying me humongous elaborate gifts for my birthday was not in any way because she was cold or she didn't know how to love. It was because my dad was so overboard in his expressions of love that she needed to be the one to teach us BALANCE.
And if she had been a weaker woman and not as amazingly secure in herself as she was she totally would have let everyone's sniping about how laid-back she was turn her into some over-compensating crazy person.
Being a father is not an easy job but the one advantage it has over mothering if that you are a phenomenal father the entire world notices and wreaths are laid at your feet and ululations are done in your name. If you're a phenomenal mother it is simply seen as your duty, something you do as a matter of course. Your mistakes are never forgiven, and your amazingness is taken for granted.
My father is a great man. And I'm eternally grateful for the strength of our bond. But the more I grow up the more I realize the measure of human being my mother is. My father might have taught me how to make someone feel loved, and how to fuss over someone. But sometimes my father's degree of confidence in me made me too scared of disappointing him to let myself fail or be exposed before him as less than his expectations. My mother taught me how to respect people enough to just let them be sometimes, she taught me how to simply be there for someone. And more importantly I learn daily from her how to be so calm and non-judgmental that there is nothing your children can never come to you with.
That lesson is worth its weight in gold.
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06/19/09
Part of my attraction to him was based on the amount of love, involvement, and support that he gives his child. His ex-wife definitely feels he falls short because he doesn't enroll her in lots of programs or take her to constantly do events and "playdates"* and such, and it irks me, because I see them being so happy together by just playing board games, playing with the dog, coloring, and sometimes going to movies or putt-putt. So in THIS way he's laid back, because he doesn't care about good of a parent he APPEARS to be -- he just wants to be a good parent to his daughter.
*I despise the word playdate. It's called playing. Sometimes with friends. Does everything need to be a yuppified social activity! They're 5! Geez.
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Oh and...
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If a dad is really hands-on and doing the difficult stuff--handling the temper tantrums, the endless household tasks, the dirt, the grime, the diapers, the wailing in the wee hours--he's probably more likely to be involved, concerned, and fully aware of his child's life. No, it doesn't mean that he has to be uptight and humorless, but it means he's less likely to be the parent who only shows up for baseball and sunshine and ice cream. And if the dad is putting in 110% and sharing his equal part of the childrearing work, the mom is less likely to be the frazzled, harried, worried, overworked type.
I think the "laid back dad" trope overlooks the fact that too many moms don't have the luxury of being laid-back, because they're saddled with a disproportionate amount of work.
06/19/09
DING DING DING; couldn't have said it better.
06/19/09
just being there for your child's growth implies a fairly large amount of worries, at least in my experience.
But then, again, I'm a woman. I can't be laid back, right? that's a man's prerogative, right?
06/19/09
Being able to be a laid-back parent is a luxury. It's the luxury that usually falls onto the dads.
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I hope to be a I-don't-give-a-shit-about-the-other-moms type mom someday. :)
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That said: thanks, Daddio, for being the best Dad *and* Mom anyone could possibly ask for, and thanks mrteenwordpower, for all your inevitable future kickassedness in the field of parenting.
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06/20/09
Instinctual, my ass.
06/19/09
One of the reasons for this is this: Should I ever have some hypothetical kid, I'm almost 100% sure that the father of that kid wouldn't put equal effort into the care and upbringing of that child.
I know some very progressive, educated, very cool couples in which both parents work full-time to pay the bills and the mortgage. Even among these folks, childcare still falls disproportionately on the mother. Even when she's the primary breadwinner, even when her career obligations involve long hours, no matter how busy she is -- it still seems pretty rare for dads to step up and shoulder a solid 50% of childcare.
Now, that's not to say that dads never do step up-- there are a lot of great dads out there, and mine is one of them --but it just seems that there's a societal insistence that the mother shoulders the vast majority of the burden of childcare. And if a dad is the primary caregiver, even if he does a fantastic job, he may face derision for being a "freeloader" or a "Mr. Mom" or whatever.
I think the face of this landscape is changing, but slowly. Since dual income is not just a luxury but a necessity, I think more and more people are realizing that dads need to parent just as much as moms, and not just play "babysitter." But I'm pretty sure my ovaries will be long dried-up and/or buried by the time this dynamic really and truly shifts.
I'm sorry if this sounds cynical. I know there are some fantastic dads out there who give 110%, and I'm glad you're raising the next generation of sons and daughters. It's just something that gives me pause, is all.
06/19/09
To vastly oversimplify this, in my case, my dad makes me shy away from being a parent because he damaged his kids a bit. My mom makes me want to be a parent because she's so awesome, yet also makes me run away screaming in fear because how could I ever live up to that?
06/19/09
Obvs everyone's different, but as a generalised thing it can be nice.
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My dad was always the more conservative, straight-and-narrow stickler and my mom was always the one who encouraged novelty and adventure. But my dad is also a very level-headed, diplomatic, cool and collected calm type, and my mom is also the one more likely to worry, get frazzled, speak bluntly/passionately.
Each is simultaneously strict and laid-back in their own way, and it really made me who I am today. If I need to get in someones' face and get assertive and speak my mind, I think of my mom. If I need to treat a situation with cool reserve, and talk my way through something with tact, I think of my dad.
06/19/09
It was just a generalisation (bad!) and I figured people would take it the wrong way. Just saying it is nice to have checks and balances so to speak!
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