In today's Tweet Beat, Anna Camp needs to discover Seamless, Tyne Daly comes prepared and Michael Caine gives us what we need this week.

I swore I wasn't going to lead with any Tomkat news today (because oops my brain liquefied from boredom and dripped out my ear all gross), but then the other celebrities had to go and be HELLA UNEVENTFUL. Blame all non-Tomkat celebrities, not me. Anyway, an ex-Scientologist lady told E! that Tom Cruise is "viewed as a…

Heaven forbid a woman gestate a human and not instantaneously return to super-svelte shape! The Indian media have proved themselves every bit as concerntrolly as their US counterparts after commentators went after Bollywood legend Aishwarya Rai — not only for selfishly getting pregnant, but also for having the nerve…

• In an interview that airs tonight on Extra, a dermatologist's assistant named Jason Pfieffer claims he had a"passionate and sexual" relationship with Michael Jackson to the day he died.

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: Together again on screen? Maybe! Angelina says:

• The second season of Jersey Shore promises to be action-packed! Saturday night, some guy was less-than-respectful to Snooki and JWoww, so Snickers slapped him, then threw food and booze at him. (He threw a drink on her, too).

• Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen were married in a traditional Jewish ceremony — held at sunset in Paris last week.

• A baby for Jay-Z and Beyoncé!?! Apparently they're working on it. [Gatecrasher]
• Lindsay Lohan was spotted in an alley behind LA's Crow Bar, talking on her cell phone and crying. And, naturally, there are pictures. [Daily Mail]

• Lindsay Lohan is in Morocco for the opening of some resort and was spotted kissing Gerard Butler at the launch party. She allegedly said:

• Did Rosie O'Donnell try to romance Angelina Jolie? She told Howard Stern on his radio show:

• While performing stand-up in New York on August 5, Rosie O'Donnell started talking about her stint on The View, which she referred to as The Screw You, and called Elisabeth Hasselbeck "Elisabeth Half-a-brain." But Rosie wasn't done!

• Susan Boyle's new hairdo, clothes, and "reshaped" eyebrows may actually hurt her image, according to a neighbor: "She looks really nice - nothing like the image that's had the whole world talking about her."[DailyMail]

• Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali's father, Rafiq Qureshi, was arrested last night on charges that he tried to sell his daughter for £200,000. [The Sun]

• This report calls Jennifer Aniston "lovelorn" and "notoriously unlucky-in-love" but explains that she has "set her sights" on Gerard Butler, which is "cause for renewed optimism." What does all this really mean? It's simple:

• Chris Brown has reportedly moved on. His new ladyfriend is actually an ex. She attends University of Mary Washington and they met in Virginia, which is where he's from. His reps deny everything. [Gatecrasher]

• PETA has one of George Clooney's sweaty towels and wrote him a letter asking to harvest his perspiration to make Clooney flavored tofu, or CloFu. "As a mammal, I'm offended," said Clooney in response. [E!]

• New details on Rihanna: The warrant detailing the entire assault has been released, her family says she's changed her contact information, and her rep isn't denying that she and Chris are engaged.

[London, February 26. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

One of the things that gives us penis mag envy every time we hit the newsstands is the fact that they aren't afraid to search far and wide for people to whom to pose questions more existential than "Can u dispense a worthless platitude about finding a boyfriend suitable for 36-pt Helvetica pls?" Sometimes, of course,…