Here's the horror story that begins Jon Hochschartner's recent "Sex in the SUNY" column:

I woke up slowly, pushing the naked girl beside me for more covers. Eventually it was time to get up, so I reluctantly rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

That's when I realized I was wet. I threw the sheets off myself and saw I was covered in blood - from my chest to my dick. I started looking for some kind of mortal wound but couldn't find anything.

So finally, I looked down at her and she was covered in it too. Then it dawned on me: menstrual blood.

I don't remember if we were drunk the night before, but clearly there was some serious miscommunication. I mean, damn, scarred for life.

Obviously we can't expect opinion columns in college newspapers to be models of enlightened views — if memory serves, my college paper once ran a screed on why no one should ever have to take English classes, and another on how gross it was to have to stand next to poor people at Wal-Mart. Still, Hochschartner does deserve a wake-up call: the "naked girl" taking up space in his bed was actually a living, breathing — and yes, bleeding — human being. I'll admit that stained sheets are an annoyance, but getting menstrual blood on oneself is a monthly occurrence for women, and yet we somehow manage to avoid PTSD. Understanding this, and accepting that the vagina is part of the female reproductive system and not just a sterile hole for your dick, is an important step toward becoming a man worthy of fucking. Hochschartner did talk to some women for his column — their recommendations include towels, shower sex, and, Dr. Ruth's favorite, diaphragms. I'd advocate that these ladyfriends involve him in regular discussions of menstruation, at least until he's desensitized. Because there's really no excuse for a guy to be afraid of a little blood.

Yesterday I recommended that women quit treating periods as a female-only topic, and I'd like to reiterate that recommendation now. Last year I had to teach a 25-year-old man — who had previously lived with a long-term girlfriend — that women do in fact need to use more than one tampon per period, and I think it's high time that guys started getting this information early. Comprehensive sex ed can help — while the girls in my fifth grade class were getting our first "changing bodies" lecture, the boys were watching The Mighty Ducks or something, and there's no reason boys shouldn't get the opportunity to hear the gym teacher say "uterine lining" too. But more than that, if boys and girls and men and women would all stop treating menstruation like some ultra-private phenomenon, the world — and the vagina — would be a happier place.

It's true that not every woman likes period sex (especially on heavy days, there can be cramping issues). And guys' tastes do deserve respect — if they really prefer to abstain until a woman is ritually pure, that's up to them. But I'd argue that learning to like period sex is worth some initial discomfort, both because it adds three to seven days per month when you can bone, and because it represents a level of comfort and familiarity with the actual female body, not the sanitized version pushed by "lad mags." And while I wouldn't advocate kicking a guy to the curb just because period sex isn't his favorite, I would wager that someone for whom menstrual blood triggers "post-trauma flashbacks" may not be a keeper.

If It's That Time Of The Month, Go On Vacation [Cardinal Points]

Earlier: Dr. Ruth Personally Advises Us On Period Sex

I Heart Guts explains herself thusly:

The guts grew from a single drawing of a broken heart, after a string of bad hookups, dead-end relationships and lame-o boyfriends. At the time, I was also doing a lot of drinking, so a sad liver and bummed-out lung followed.

Sounds like our kind of lady. I'm raising my it's-after-noon cup o' Blog Juice to you, whoever you are!

Meanwhile, I think I have an EGG PREPARING TO ESCAPE, so, let me get right on that.

I Heart Guts [Official Site]

Via: The Good Ol' Menstrual Cycle [Street Anatomy]

According to The New York Times, the people at Tampax don't even care that Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down a line judge's throat.

"We didn't ever consider dropping Serena," said Courtney Schuster, a Tampax brand manager. "She accepted responsibility and apologized for what happened, and we think that demonstrates the strength of her character."

In the '80s, Olympic gymnasts did ads for Stayfree and Tampax, but, writes, Andrew Adam Newman for the Times, "an athlete of Ms. Williams's currency and renown has never been a spokeswoman." The New York Post called the ad (seen above) "uncomfortably graphic" — maybe because, unlike other ladyproduct spots which refer to a mysterious blue liquid, Mother Nature actually uses the word blood.

But the ad is actually pretty damn funny, and shocker: Ladies bleed. Celebs have replaced models on magazine covers and shill everything from Louis Vuitton to Smart Water to Tide pens and eyelash thickeners. Why not menstruation products?

Over on True/Slant, Caitlin Kelly writes:

I love the funny, frank, playful way this ad addresses what every woman knows can be an uncomfortable or embarrassing annoyance. Not your period, but not being ready for it… Women are cool, tough, powerful. And get their periods.

Exactly! So why stop at Serena Williams? Surely Gwyneth Paltrow uses some kind of pantyliners for her GOOP. The Kardashian family must use a heap of Kotex. Where are my Angelina Jolie-approved tampon travel cases?!?!

Serena Williams's Ad Deals Survive Her Outburst on Court [NY Times]
From Bad Blood To Good $$ [NY Post]
New Tampax Ad With Serena Williams Slams Every Woman's Annoyance [True/Slant]

I really wanted to use tampons, but I'd heard you had to be, you know, ‘experienced.' So I asked my friend Lisa. Her mom is a nurse so I figured she'd know. Lisa told me she'd been using Petal Soft Plastic Applicator Tampax tampons since her very first period and she's a virgin. In fact, you can use them at any age and still be a virgin.

First of all, that ad is from the 90s, which goes to show how hard certain old wives' tales - or cultural backwardness - dies. Of course, back when everybody had hymens - or were supposed to - marketing tampons depended heavily on assuring potential customers that they could stick something phallic up their vadges and still be nice girls. Most of us remember the periodic reassurances Seventeen and its ilk would issue to readers (and apparently still do), assuring young girls that the two had no connection. But the concern wasn't an invention of youth; for decades, many considered tampons suspect.

Although it's thought the ancient Egyptians used some kind of softened papyrus tampon, and Hippocrates talks about a wooden insert covered in disposable lint batting, the commercial version wasn't patented until 1929. Early advertising highlighted the modern notion of "hygiene" and stressed vague medical authority. "Your doctor will be the first to tell you that Tampax is the most natural and the most hygienic method of sanitary protection... accepted for advertising by the American Medical Association," said the first Tampax ad in 1936. As tampon use became more common, the focus switched to the tampon's aesthetic superiority, which by the 1970s seems to have trumped concerns about hygiene or virtue. Take this 1972 varietal:

Dear Sirs, I want to thank you so much for sending me my free Pursettes Purse Container and Pursettes. You see, I tried tampons before, but they were so big and bulky, I was afraid I might break a membrane or something.... But I skate (roller) in competition, and believe me those short skirts & form fitting tights can really make you self-conscious! And who can afford to lose even one day of practice before State Meet? Luckily, your tampons came just in time!

Although these ads still treated a period as something essentially secret, they also implicitly discouraged the idea that a woman with a period was a delicate invalid, and, however problematically, the preponderance of tight leotards and swimsuits in the pictures helped end the notion that periods were inherently unsexy.

In addition to the fear that tampons would rupture the precious proof of virginity, apparently manufacturers and doctors of the era had to assuage concerns that they would cause unseemly sexual arousal in women - a claim some countered by charging that it was pads that would actually cause "the sexual stimulation of the woman by the friction of the pad against the vulva." (Someone inform Katherine Heigl's agent at once! Hijinx will ensue!) Now that the 1980's fear of the Toxic Shock Syndrome caused by super-absorbents is less of a concern, today the concerns are primarily environmental. As such, most brands are espousing their green and biodegradable bona fides as fast as they can print them, and we're buying.

Although the fact that tampon-virginity myths still proliferate on the internet is dismaying, it's not shocking: the notion's pretty rooted in popular mythology. (Although I can't find any actual verification I well remember a friend's aunt - a former nun - telling me that when she entered a convent in the 60's, she wasn't allowed to bring any tampons, just maxi pads.) While for young girls, the notion that they're being forced into a sexual situation before they're ready is of course scary, the fact that we as a culture still need the reassurance that Virginity Will Not Be Compromised speaks to its entrenched fetishization pretty clearly. But, while no one will claim there's anything sexy about a used tampon - and as things like Superbad prove, the period that isn't safely controlled and hidden is still supposed to elicit an automatic guffaw from men - it's obvious that we've come a long way, and some claim tampons have helped destigmatize the "broken hymen" - and are almost on a par with the ancient world.

Marketing The Tampon: "Will I Still Be A Virgin?" [Sociological Images]
A History of Tampons [Sarah Kowalski]

I Use Tampons. Am I Still A Virgin? [GirlsLife]

The History of Tampons [About.com]
Tampons As menstrual Guards [Museum of Menstruation]
Tampons Are Trash! [Resist]

Of the 22 ballerinas studied, 86% had at least one component of the tetrad, and 14% had all four. A disturbing point of comparison — 44% of women who run six days a week are apparently amenorrheic. Athletes and ballerinas who restrict their eating and don't menstruate, says Hoch, have "the cardiovascular and bone density deficits of much older, postmenopausal women." Folic acid Supplements can help prevent vascular problems, but a better solution would be for girls and women to eat enough to support both their active lifestyles and their hearts and skeletons.

Ballerinas And Female Athletes Share Quadruple Health Threats [EurekAlert]

This reminds us of the time the paparazzi shopped pix of Brit on the rag. (Not to mention the time her dog's poop ended up on couture gowns during an Ok! shoot.) But is it really a big deal? On the one hand, guess what? Women bleed. Sometimes your period catches you by surprise. We spend a lot of time and energy "hiding" the fact that we bleed, but sometimes things do not go as planned. On the other hand… [Page Six]

Of the 35,000 black women between the ages of 21 and 69 profiled in the study, 43% had been physically abused in childhood and 18% had been sexually abused. Those who were sexually abused (as Oprah was) were more likely to start menstruating before age 12. The effect was stronger the more frequently they were abused — girls who were abused up to three times were 26% more likely to start menstruating early, while those abused four or more times were 34% more likely to have early menarche. There was a weaker, but still present, correlation between physical abuse and early periods.

Researchers think that it might actually be possible that sexual abuse causes earlier menstruation, as opposed to a simple correlation. The idea that sexual abuse actually changes girls' bodies, rushing them into physical maturity and making them vulnerable to pregnancy at a younger age, is perhaps even scarier than the sheer prevalence of physical and sexual abuse among African-American women. This possibility reveals, in the most upsetting way possible, that social as well as genetic factors may influence menstruation. The study's findings, along with the sheer number of women who report suffering abuse, underscore the need for better detection of abusive situations, more social services for girls, and more study of the underlying psychological and social problems that cause sexual abuse and allow it to continue.

Sex abuse linked to early menstrual period [UPI.com]
Higher Prevalence Of Early Onset Of Menstrual Periods Among Survivors Of Childhood Sexual Abuse [ScienceDaily]

A new study by psychologists at Hertfordshire University in Britain found that women are more likely to go on a shopping spree 10 days before their periods begin, reports the BBC. Professor Karen Pine conducted a study of 443 women from the ages of 18 to 50 and asked them about their spending habits. Of the 153 women in the study who were in the later stage of their menstrual cycle, almost two thirds said they had recently bought something on impulse and 57% said they overspent by more than £25. "The later women were in their menstrual cycle, the more likely they were to have overspent," said Pine. "Spending was less controlled, more impulsive and more excessive for women in the luteal phase."

The psychologists had two theories as to why the women were spending more right before they got their periods. They believe women may be shopping excessively in an attempt to deal with negative emotions they experience during their cycle. These hormonal fluctuations affect the part of the brain that deals with emotions and inhibition. "The spending behavior tends to be a reaction to intense emotions. They are feeling stressed or depressed and are more likely to go shopping to cheer themselves up and using it to regulate their emotions," Pine said, according to The Daily Mail.

Since previous research has found that women dress up more while they are ovulating, Pine's other theory is that women are buying things during this time to make themselves feel more attractive. Most of the items the women reported spending too much on were jewelry, makeup, and high heels.

The research also showed that women had more buyer's remorse right before they get their period. Pine suggests, "If women are worried about their spending behavior then they should avoid going shopping at the end of their menstrual cycle." Uh, thanks.

Shopping Sprees Linked To Periods [BBC]
How A Woman's 'Time Of The Month' Can Be Blamed For Her Desire To Go Shopping [The Daily Mail]

Six of the contributors to My Little Red Book*, edited by eighteen-year-old Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, were convinced that the streaming of blood from their vajayjays heralded certain death — which makes me feel a little less neurotic. Making me feel more neurotic are several stories of intrepid girls who managed to stuff tampons up themselves right away, whereas I spent an entire day crying and yelling, "I can't do it! They look like missiles!"

Perhaps the best story in the book is Ellen Devine's "Hot Dog on a String." Devine writes:

Between moisturizing her legs and blow-drying her hair, my mother paused, placed her right foot upon the toilet seat, reached between her legs and removed a hot dog on a string. [...] It was not the possibility that my mother might occasionally store foodstuffs in her lady parts that shook me. Hot dogs were ubiquitous in my childhood. As far as I could tell they were used for everything from meaty filler in macaroni and cheese to 3-D eyes and noses on the paper snowmen we made during craft time at daycare. It was entirely conceivable that they might also be capable of serving some function in a vagina, though I had little sense of what functions a hot dog or a vagina might have. Similarly, the concept of placing foreign objects into one's orifices was not unfamiliar, as I had a friend who delighted in sticking marbles in his nose. The source of my apprehension and the reason I felt so shaken, was that my mother had inadvertently revealed that there was something I did not know about her.

Even if you do have a rough idea of the functions of hot dogs and vaginas, periods can be mysterious. Which is one reason why some girls dread their periods, some girls crave them, some girls think they're not normal until they get their periods, and some fear they're abnormal when they do get them. My Little Red Book takes a little of that mystery away, replacing it with humor and information — not just about tampons, but also about how girls in Kenya, New Zealand, Brooklyn, and Oklahoma reacted to their first visit from Aunt Flo. The book would make a good addition to a first-period kit — if I'd had it when I was fourteen-and-a-half, I would have felt like way less of a weirdo.

* Yes, the Mao reference is intentional.

My Little Red Book [Amazon]

Earlier: What Should Be In A First Period Kit?

"It is like living an out of body experience," said Seward, 38, "You just cry and cry, and nothing anyone can do will help. You feel ugly and fat and unattractive ... This hormone just takes over your life." Seward says she experienced irrational behavior, irrational thinking, and mood swings, but couldn't remember anything she'd said or done to her husband John, who eventually decided he had to leave. The separation caused Marie to get her PMS symptoms checked and her doctor prescribed anti-depressants. Six months later, the couple is now back together and planning to renew their vows. "I think a lot of professionals remain unaware of the impact that this condition can have on relationships - and I think that is one of the reasons it is not taken as seriously as it might be," said Nick Panay, chairman of the National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome. [BBC]