Michelle Obama has implants! No, not really, she just exercises. But apparently, she exercises a lot. "She's truly committed herself to the importance of health and fitness," says McClellan. Her typical workout is an "intense routine of cardio workouts and weight training," followed by an "arm-shaping superset" of tricep pushdowns and hammer curls (I didn't know what either of these things were, but it turns out they are standard moves that even the most sporadic of gym-goers has seen before).

Obama's arms are back in the spotlight due to a recent series of interviews by the First Lady and her husband on health care and personal fitness and nutrition habits. President Obama was interviewed by Men's Health, and appears on the cover of the upcoming issue. Inside, Obama discusses his workout: six days a week, two days of cardio and four of weightlifting. "My blood pressure is pretty low, and I tend to be a healthy eater," he said in the interview. "So I probably could get away with cutting (my workouts) back a little bit. The main reason I do it is just to clear my head and relieve me of stress."

His wife spoke with both Women's Health and the new magazine, Children's Health about her efforts to keep the First Family healthy. She says she has made some small changes to her family's diet, like eliminating processed foods, eating more fresh fruits and vegetables, and teaching her daughters to read food labels.

So there you have it. The Obama family eats healthily and exercises regularly. Still curious? The full interviews, in all three magazines, will hit newsstands on September 15th.

Trainer Spills Secrets Of Michelle Obama's Arms [Traverse City Record-Eagle]

As is typically the case when it comes to dumb Men's Health lists, this particular article was written by a woman. I'm guessing that this is all part of a magazine exchange program that allows the douchiest men on earth to give their love advice in magazines like Cosmopolitan: "You send over your most stereotypical bullshit, and we'll send over ours!" It's a match made in generalization heaven. Let's take a look at a few of the romantic "moves" recommended to sweep a gal off her feet:

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

Oh goodness yes! Because she needs to be protected from those skanky Death Eaters who will surely ruin your relationship with a sassy glance or lack of pants!

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

Oh, this isn't creepy at all. I know when I fall asleep, I love waking up without my clothes on, in bed, not knowing how I got there. Does this move come with a roofie nightcap, or are we saving that romance for Valentine's Day?

28. Give her jewelry.

Buy her shit! She'll be yours in no time. Women are so easy, bro!

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

Yes, suffocate her with the hug of judgment. That will teach her to get jealous.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

Please don't do this. Not every woman just stepped out of She's All That. Please keep your Cinderella fantasies to yourself. You're only going to embarrass yourself, and us, if you pull this "look at what an obvious romantic gentleman" showmanship in front of your friends.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

That'll shut her up! What could she possibly have to say about health care reform? Just tell her you love her mid-sentence and make her swooooooon.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

You know, to let them know that you own her now.

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

Mmm, nothing says "romance" like a 45 minute conversation with your crying boyfriend. Unless you mean "swoon" as in "pass out with intolerable sadness," I think we can leave this one off of the romance checklist.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

Because as long as she's good enough for a man, it doesn't matter if she's good enough for herself. Someone should base a magazine around this concept! Oh, wait.

41 Ways To Make A Woman Swoon [Men's Health]

As has been the trend in our last few Men's Health takedowns, this particular article was written by a woman, Lisa Jones, who has broken into the Lady Love Factorium and stolen the 27 most obvious signs of desire in order to share them with the bros of the universe. Goodness me! Now that the secrets are out, how will our "sexy moves" ever be taken seriously again?! Perhaps we should explore a few of these "obvious signs that she wants you," you know, in order to be sure that we're not caught dead doing any of these things ever again:

1. I call you by your first name instead of your nickname, because, babe, I'm not one of your buds, nor do I intend to become one.

Hey, dude, I'm not going to call you nicknames, babe, because babydoll, nicknames are for your buds, bud, dude-a-rama. You got that, Sweetface Magoo? I'm callin' you by your real name, babe. Dig?

3. I rub my lips together often in your presence.

I read this one to my bf, who responded: "Does she need Carmex? Why would she do that?"

7. My speech pattern is starting to resemble, like, Kirsten Dunst's.

Angela Chase Syndrome is not a sign that she wants you, dude. It's just the way she talks. Thinking it means she wants to sleep with you just because she says like, I mean, that's like, really stupid, or whatever.

9. I touch you (for any reason) more than once.

For ANY reason? So punching him in the face, or kicking him in the balls and yelling, "Towanda!" is a sign that you want to sleep with him? I think not. Unless you're into that kind of thing, of course.

22. I tell you about the new Coldplay album, developments in the Pinochet case, or the new limited-release Dave Eggers novel I "just happened to hear about" because last time we spoke, you mentioned your interest in the London sound, international law, or postmodern literature, respectively.

Isn't it so sexy when a woman has no personality of her own, but just clings to the things you like, in order to impress you? And Coldplay is "the London sound?" Really?

26. You've taken over the starring role in all my fantasies. You have no way of detecting this, just thought you'd like to know ...

Check please, and a restraining order to go.

23. I ask you if you know where the coatroom/bathroom/VIP room in this place is. When you tell me, I raise my eyebrows, turn, and walk in the correct direction.

Ah yes, the ol' "I saw this move in a movie 800 times, so I am going to replicate it and hope that it produces similar results." This is pretty much the Megan Fox SexyFace of smooth moves, is it not?

24. I'm in the bathroom for more than 3 minutes, which is always more than adequate time to actually pee.

A commenter on the Men's Health board, bless his heart, posted this in response:
"what if shes takin a dump?" What if she's takin' a dump, indeed, Jared N. Deep thoughts. Deep thoughts.

6. Instead of merlot, I order a Corona, which, conveniently, is served in a bottle-the better to sexily sip from.

This is the "sexy move" equivalent of the Drudge Siren. This bottle looks like a penis! A penis, I say! Look at me! Penis in the mouth! But not really! It's just a bottle, guy that I'm not calling my his nickname! Let me lick my lips before putting them back on this penis bottle! Was that not subtle enough? I can also get an anvil with the word "sexy" to fall on your head if need be! CALL ME!!!

27 Obvious Signs That She Wants You [Men's Health]

Men's Health loves their listicles, and this weekend is no exception, as yet another WTF-worthy list has appeared on the Men's Health site: "What The Woman In Your Life Is Really Thinking." The article is written by a woman, Sarah Miller, who apparently believes that all women react to men in various situations the same way she does. Unfortunately, Miller's reactions are just...insane. Let's look at a few examples:


The Night You Met:

Wow. You just totally smiled at me! If you hadn't, I would have just stopped talking to you, and you would have thought I didn't like you. But I wasn't going to be the one to stick my neck out, because that's your job. I wonder if your friend's girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don't ask her to be in our wedding?

Translation: "You should probably turn and run." Good lord in heaven. Hating on another woman while fantasizing about your wedding to the dude you are on your first date with? In what reality is this typical? Am I trapped in a glass case of Jennifer Aniston films? Help!

The First Time You Picked Her Up:

Why aren't you here yet? My breasts look so good. But I'd better not catch you looking at them, because then I'll think that you think I'm easy. I have the greatest life! I am so pretty. You're 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You're 10 minutes late. I'm totally going to be a single mom.

Translation: "I'm going off the rails on a crazy traaaaaain!"

On Your First Date:

Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn't want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don't like you anyway.

I have to think of something flirtatious to say, to see if you respond favorably. Thank goodness I've only had one drink, so I'm still aware that "I'm not wearing any underwear" is not a good choice. Did you just say the wine list looks "approachable"? "Tell me you did not just say the wine list looks approachable." Whoa. Did I say that out loud? That was mean. Why do I have to be sarcastic when I'm feeling needy?

Oh, you're blushing and saying, "I'm just nervous because you're really pretty," and now you look embarrassed you said that. But trust me, it was the right thing to say. We're such a good couple. It's totally cool if your friend's dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can't be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.

Translation: All I could hear in my brain when I read this was Kathy Bates saying "I'm your number one fan."

The First Time You Kissed:

You're pulling me toward you. I am scared you have bad breath. Not too fast, very good, start off slow. I want to feel like you're dying to sleep with me but not like you're worried I won't. I can't believe I need everything to be perfect; it's going to be my undoing. I wonder if I'll date when I'm a single mom.

Translation: I really don't even know what to say to this, you guys. But I'm pretty sure Miller is trying to say "All women think of babies the moment they kiss you, Stinky Breath Magoo. Babies babies babies!"

Your First Time In Bed

I am so glad I didn't eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you're on top of me. It's so weird that I'm always thinking about getting married. I wonder how many times I have to have sex with you before I can make you buy better sheets. I wish I were more like you. You don't seem to have a whole lot on your mind.

Translation: "Remember! All women hate their bodies and will use sex to manipulate you into doing things. Am I right, lady friends? Cosmo high five! Let's go buy shoes!"

When She Accepted Your Proposal:

I am so in love. I am also relieved I'm not going to be a single mother. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know why there is a giant ring associated with getting engaged, because every time I look at it, I feel enormously soothed.

Translation: "I have serious issues re: being a single mother, but my craziness can be soothed by a big ol' ring, because all women are shallow bitches who can easily be appeased by a piece of jewelry."

This is, perhaps, the strangest article I have ever read. Miller's reactions are creeptacular, and the implication that all women fit into these dumb stereotypes is both insulting and exasperating. In reality, this article should have been two lines long: "Want to know what the woman in your life is thinking? Just ask her." There's a pretty good chance her answer will be, "Honey, please stop getting relationship tips from Men's Health."

What The Woman In Your Life Is Really Thinking [Men's Health]

Ladies, it's important that we call bullshit on the nonsense that goes on in Men's Health, as it is typically filled with cringe worthy nonsense that makes both men and women look like total idiots. Sadly, the female representatives chosen to assist Men's Health crew on this particular article , titled "12 Ways to Have the Wild Sex She Craves," came directly from the vortex of self-loathing and faux-empowerment known as Cosmopolitan magazine. What happens when these two beacons of shitty information and gender stereotypes get together? Let's look at an example:

Take Her Home Tonight:

"She probably won't be shocked if you suggest she come back to your place after a first date," says Beland. But will she say yes? Make this your litmus test.

1. Graze her thigh. As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you're standing or sitting. If she's into it, move on to step two, says Beland. If she squirms, back off.

2. Plant one, already. A make-out session is a prerequisite to a sexual proposition, says Beland. Pay attention to how intensely she's kissing back. You want the "I want to eat you alive, starting with your head" kind of kiss, not the sweet little "I'm not really a dirty girl" kind of kiss.

3. Pop the question. Your approach can be either funny ("So, what do you say we go back to my place for milkshakes and Jenga?"); hesitant and humble ("I don't even know how to ask you this, but I would really love to be alone with you"); or straightforward and sweet ("Please, God, tell me that we can go home together"). Dial back the sleaze factor and, "chances are, if she's been shoving her tongue down your throat, any one of them could probably end up working," says Beland.

So there you have it, America. If you want a woman to come home with you, you should make out with her like a 7th grader, ask her if she wants to play Jenga, beg her pathetically, and remember that "if she's been shoving her tongue down your throat" that's an open invitation to have sex with her. Classy. I love the bit about "dialing back the sleaze factor." Because there's nothing sleazy about saying "Please, God, tell me that we can go home together." Desperation...mmm, so hot. Let me get on my fun, fearless, female heels and plaster my not-good-enough face with 12 pounds of product so I can be the Cosmo Girl of your dreams, Top Gun!

If these magazines were real people, they would be Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. May they live happily ever after, until the inevitable divorce and relocation to Cougar Town, where the winds blow stereotypes around like so many fallen leaves, and the air drips with the promises of bullshit, pathetic come-ons, and plenty of hot Jenga action.

12 Ways To Have The Wild Sex She Craves [Men's Health]

The folks at Men's Health are notorious for giving out really sketchy advice, especially when it comes to women. So this article, "6 Phrases To Get Her Into Bed Tonight," fits right into their craptacular archives. However, this particular article stings a bit more, as it was written by a woman, Nicole Beland. Come on, lady! You're not helping our anti-douchebag cause by giving out information like this! Let's try to clean this mess up together, shall we?

"I screwed up, and want to hear your thoughts." Whether you blabbed a good friend's secret or ran over the neighbor's limited-edition bike, admit it. Confessing an error in judgment leaves you exposed and vulnerable, which makes a woman want to wrap you in her arms. Telling her about it wins her over even more, you're showing that you value her opinion. The resulting combo of compassion and confidence will inspire her to make everything all better, or at least distract you.

Remember that emo boyfriend you had in high school who was always all, "I am so sorry that our love is not blooming like the cold, frosted roses of spring, but my heart is filled with your love like so many setting suns" And then you, being 15, were all, "OMG that is so deep, you can totally get to third base now." That dude grew up to be Sneaky McManipulator, who likes to pull this "I am so hurt but sensitive" routine just to get you to sleep with him. He is Zach Braff in Garden State. He is Ross Gellar. He is 35 years old and still wears guyliner. Steer clear.

"Did you know you have a heart-shaped freckle on the back of your left thigh?" After the first few months of sex, inch-by-inch body exploration yields to cut-to-the-chase carnality. That's a shame, because having her body mapped puts a woman in the mood for luxurious sex. Pull aside the blankets on a weekend morning and run your eyes and fingertips from her toes to her earlobes, making admiring comments along the way. You won't get past her elbows before she pulls you in for a deep, wet kiss.

I have a freckle on my thigh!? No way! I've been alive for 28 years but I guess I've never noticed my body before, nor have I ever had anyone point out my birthmarks to me. Thank goodness for you and your "body mapping" techniques. Did you know you have a heart-shaped zit on your back? You should probably get that taken care of. And thanks ever so much for trying to "map" my body on a weekend morning, before you've brushed your teeth. Sexy.

"I'm organizing a team of volunteers for Summit for Someone." Whether it's climbing mountains with inner-city kids or carrying the neighbor's groceries, helping others boosts your sexy factor for two reasons. First, altruism shows her that you can put your own needs aside, which inspires her to take care of them for you. Second, your good deeds make her feel as if she's dating up, because clearly you're a better person than she is. She'll want to join forces with you on your life's quest.

There is nothing grosser than someone who pulls out what a "good person" they are just to get you to sleep with them. This is the guy who donates to charity and then makes sure that EVERYONE knows that he's donated to charity. His "helpful" efforts are really just a way to make people think he's a really deep, caring guy. And anyone who participates in such things to make you feel like they are "clearly a better person" than you needs a swift kick out the door. Dumping this douchebag is perhaps the most charitable thing you'll do all year. God bless you.

"You must be exhausted. Let's take a hot shower and I'll scrub your back." The number-one reason your partner turns down sex is because she's stressed. And while she knows there's no better cure for wound-up nerves than a spring-release orgasm, it can be hard to shake off the day's distractions. By blasting the hot water and lighting candles, you'll offer a tension-melting solution she can't refuse. Once the hot water and your soapy hands chase the stress away, she'll finally feel sexy again.

Yes, because when a woman clearly indicates she does not want to have sex with you, lighting a bunch of candles will do the trick. Or, you know, she might really be exhausted and not interested and your Dylan McKay circa 1992 moves will only irritate her to the point where your hot shower experience might have to turn into a cold one. Jackass.

"I want to accomplish a few key things in the next 5 years." When a woman hears a man talk about the future with a "whatever" attitude, her level of respect for him drops and her thighs snap shut. She was surrounded by way too many of those directionless dudes back in college, and she has learned that men who have clear goals and realistic plans for achieving them are rare. She'll appreciate your farsightedness all the more. Making up your mind settles hers, as well.

That's right, ladies. Because your mind can't be made up unless a man is there to make it up for you. Why bother making life plans unless a guy is there to dictate how the next 5 years will go? Your hopes and dreams are essentially meaningless and directionless without some dude laying out his 5 year plan to take over the world, and your life. Thank goodness for penises with plans, am I right? Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.

"I'm taking the day off tomorrow to chaperone my niece's field trip."
While a woman is impressed by a man who's driven to succeed, she's even more tantalized by a striver who's willing to put a family member first. Extra points if that family member is under 12. She'll instantly flash-forward to when you're the sweet, caring father of her children, at which point her heart will go all gooey. Come back from your kiddie outing with a cute stuffed animal for her and she'll practically drag you into bed.

Yes, well, either that or she'll instantly flash to visions of Chris Hansen pouring lemonade. Also, unless you are a high school senior at the County Fair, nobody wants your fucking stuffed animals. And why are you taking the day off from work, in a recession?! That's really going to screw up our 5 year life plan and your volunteer opportunities with "Summit for Someone." Now STFU and GTFO. I have a hot bath waiting for me. And you're not invited.

6 Phrases To Get Her Into Bed Tonight [Men's Health]

[Image via Natalie Dee.]

Today's list is titled, "Sure Signs She's Interested," and is based on the idea that a woman decides whether or not to sleep with a man within 3 minutes of meeting him. This idea is nothing new; women's magazines often come up with similar lists based on the notion of initial sexual attraction (or rejection) but it's the slightly creepy tone of this piece that deserves a bit of attention. Or mockery. Whatevs.

So how does Men's Health instruct their readers to judge the reactions of women? Let's take a look, shall we?

Test 1: The Time Probe: "Forget your silly pickup line. Ask her for the time instead. If she answers with anything other than the time, she's interested. The only exception is "I don't know"—but only if she's not wearing a watch."

So remember ladies, if a strange man asks you the time, and you say, "I don't know," even while you're wearing a watch, it doesn't mean, "I don't want to talk to you, dude." It means, "Let's go have sex somewhere!"

Test 2: The Eye-Contact Probe:"While you're talking with her, sustain eye contact for a fraction of a second longer than what feels natural. If she holds your eye, she's interested. If she looks away, she's not."

If she holds your eye, dude, she might be trying to figure out why the hell you're staring at her. Or she might be making a composite sketch of your face in her head in order to make a mental "Avoid creepy staring dude" note. Also, I'm going to call bullshit on this one, as many people are quite shy, and while interested, don't like to show it by having an all-out staring contest.

Test 3: The Wink Probe:"If she makes a joke or someone else does something dumb, give her a wink and share the moment. If she relaxes or laughs, she's interested."

Oh dude, no. She's just laughing at you because you winked at her, in a non-ironic fashion.

Test 4: The Body-Check Probe: "Make eye contact, then quickly (in less than a second) pass your eyes down and up her body, then look back into her eyes. If she smiles when your eyes meet again, she's interested."

CREEPY.

Test 5: The Compliment Probe:"Pay her the kind of compliment a potential lover would make — it should be something personal but not overtly sexual. Also avoid the type of thing a friend might say; for instance, opt for "You have really great style" rather than "You have a really nice briefcase." If she smiles or thanks you warmly, she's interested. If she Maces you, she's not."

Right? Because a woman feeling threatened enough to Mace someone is hilarious. If she presses charges, she probably doesn't want to have sex with you either, right bro? You are brotally outrageous, bro. Bro sho.

Try This Mind Game:"If you know she's interested, tell her that the subconscious reveals a person's romantic feelings. Ask her to interlock her fingers as if she's making a gun, point it at you, and separate her index fingers as far as possible. Tell her that if her fingers slowly move back together, she's interested in the person she's pointing at. They will—they always do."

Also, if you shake the Magic 8 Ball, and it says, "Signs Point to Yes," she totally wants you, bro.

So let's put this together, shall we? In order to tell if a woman wants you, Men's Health style, you should stroll up to her and ask her the time. If she says, "It's time you get a watch, dude" you stare at her intensely as she attempts to walk away. Then add some flair to your creepy stare with a big ol' wink. When she laughs at your weirdness, look her body up and down. That will make her feel comfortable and not at all freaked out. Then tell her you like her style. If she still doesn't want to sleep with you, have her make a fake gun to point at your face. She'll fall for you in no time, bro. Because what woman doesn't want a winking, fake-gun toting, creepy staring, awkwardly complimenting, guy who looks her body up and down and doesn't wear his own watch? I mean, really.

5 Tests For Sexual Attraction [Men's Health]

Ah, Men's Health, you never cease to make us laugh/recoil in horror. For only the classiest of Valentine's Day guides start with an opener like this: "Valentine's Day is quite possibly the worst holiday for men. You have to make plans, spend money, and do everything 'right'-at least you know you'll have sex that night." Oh my stars! I'm feeling all flustered with romantic notions already!

So how does Men's Health lay down the path toward Valentine's night success? By breaking it down into these categories:

• The Card: "Because to her, it's more than just paper."
• The Flowers:"Yes, They'll Die In A Few Days, But She Still Wants Them"
• The Sweet Treat "She'll Be Eating Out Of Your Hand"
• Jewelry: "Give her something that sparkles, even when the lights are off."
• Creative Gift "A little thought goes a long way."
• Activities "Consider these ideas foreplay to your Valentine's day activities."
• Dinner "Satisfy Her (Sexual) Hunger"

Now listen: the list itself is pretty standard Valentine's day fare, but the insanely creepy undertone of "you are only doing this shit so she'll sleep with you, dude, so hang in there" that moves through the entire article is so pathetically blatant that I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh. And for those of you who may doubt that any guy following this list has less than honorable intentions, consider some of the instructions given out in certain categories:

Last Minute Gifts: A Target gift card will earn you a spot in the doghouse. But a personal gift certificate is entirely different. Whatever you're good at-massages, cooking-make a note card promising your service for free, whenever she wants it. Be sure the card is "good" for several uses. Can't think of a talent to awe her with? Then make the card good for sexual favors.

Oh dude. How many commenters out there would rather get a Target gift card than a book of "IOU One Hot Session" coupons written on construction paper from some dude? I mean, really?

Last Minute Activity: One of the best things about Valentine's Day (yes, there are a few good things) is that simple, somewhat cheesy things will score you major points. Is it snowing? Go sledding or build a snowman. You can also stay in and watch movies. Start off with a few of her favorites, then see if she's up for something more masculine. As long as there's a hot male lead, she'll likely say yes.

Because girls are so dumb and girly! They can't handle "masculine things" you guys! Not unless Christian Bale is involved! Oh, man. Hopefully she'll be so turned on and stupid that she'll think you are Christian Bale, and she'll sleep with you. Everything's coming up Men's Health!

What this list ultimately represents, however, is the gross nature of Valentine's Day, where every bad dating stereotype gets blown up to Code Super Hot Pink, and the goofy holiday becomes a sort of game involving the "right" or "expected" kind of romance: the cards, the flowers, the delicious, delicious candy, the lingerie, the reservations, and even, to a certain extent, the anti-Valentine's plans that spring up on the other end of things.

This list has one objective: impress your girl enough to get her to sleep with you. But dudes, if you have to fake your way through goofy Valentine's fun just to impress someone enough to get her to think that you're a nice guy, when clearly, nice guy or no, you're presenting a textbook version of generic faux-romantic Valentine guy, both of you might want to reconsider if you're really having fun at all.

In fairness, however, the pressure to be romantic on Valentine's Day hits both genders, and I'm sure that certain men who read this list are honestly trying to find ways to impress their dates/girlfriends, much like women who read "50 Hot Ways to Make Him Melt This Valentine's Day" in whatever women's magazine do. And though the list is deeply, deeply flawed, in that it seems to lead to an endpoint (do these things=Sex, bro!), perhaps if the emphasis was less on what a guy could expect to get (or, as it reads at times, what he is owed) and just how a couple can have a good time together on one of the goofiest days of the year, it would read less like a creep manual and more like a realistic portrayal of the insanity that surrounds the holiday.

A Guy's Guide To Valentine's Day [Men's Health]

• With today being the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the anti-choicers are out in full frontal crazy mode. One particularly dick protester smashed his SUV into a Planned Parenthood in St. Paul this morning. The damage was minor. • Two sixteen-year-old British girls were banned from school for being "too blonde." The school's dress code states that there should be no "unnatural" hair color on students. • The man charged with spraying Afghan school girls with acid says that he was paid by a major in the Afghan intelligence unit for the attacks. The girls continue to attend school undeterred. • Adolf Hitler Campbell's mother has told newspapers that "we would never abuse our children," and "I want my children back." • Mariana Bridi da Costa, a finalist in the Miss World competition, had her hands and feet amputated after being diagnosed with a urinary disease. • A new survey has found that professional women are more likely to drink alone at home than men or women in "routine or manual" occupations. • Two women whose sexual harassment accusations led to the resignation of an Ohio attorney general have reached a settlement and will receive over $200,000. • A man from Nevada shackled his 15-year-old daughter to her bed and beat her with a stick because he thought she was overweight. • In other awful parenting news: A 52-year-old Denver woman has been accused of binding her 10-year-old daughter's hands and feet each night because she suspected she was sneaking food. • Two teens from Minnesota have been arrested for abusing the elderly residents of a nursing home where they were employed part-time. • A town in Brazil where one in five pregnancies result in twins may have been the site of Nazi Dr. Josef Mengele's post-war experiments. Mengele was obsessed with twins, and some speculate that he "found the secret of twins." • Men's Health has named the worst food in America. This year it is the 2,600-calorie Baskin Robbin's large chocolate Oreo shake. • The Cat House in Parlier, California, is now home to 700 stray cats and even a few dogs. The owner of the 12-acre shelter says: "There was no place else for all of these cats, and I had all of this land." • Josef Fritzl's trial is set to begin March 16. He faces chargers of murder, rape, false imprisonment, and enslavement. • Polygamous communities in Canada are using the recent legalization of gay marriage as evidence to help overturn laws against polygamy. • Want to know what life looks like for your pet? For $50 you can buy a little camera to attach to their collars. Or you could just crouch down and see for yourself, but whatever. • Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Islamic leaders have condemned comments made by an Australian Muslim cleric who said it was OK to beat and rape your wife. • A British woman living in Dubai lost her appeal to have a sentence for adultery reduced from six months in prison to three. She also faces deportation. • A new study suggests that women suffer from worse nightmares than men because they are more likely to carry emotions from daily life into their sleep. • An 83-year-old man missed his bus back to Indiana because he was busy dancing with a young lady at the inauguration party. He has since found his way home and will be alright. • Head honchos at the San Fransisco Sentinel are trying to sell ad space by advertising their (attractive) female account executive. • A former manager of Hawaiian Tropic says that her boss bribed her to lie about her 2006 rape by a supervisor. • The Swedish National Library apparently has a large collection of child pornography dating from the 1970s, when it had not yet been made illegal. • 

"You can't make fun of Men's Health again," he frowned, "It's too easy." Perhaps he's right, though I couldn't help but cringe and laugh as I went through the list, trying to picture my boyfriend saying any of these things with a straight face. It's the same reaction I have when I read a similar list in a women's magazine: there's something quite strange about the idea of scripted sex talk, generic things that everyone seems to have heard at one point or another. The Men's Health lines are, most likely, things that most of us have sadly heard at one point or another (thanks, high school boyfriends!). Yet, despite my boyfriend's advice to lay off the "easy target" that is Men's Health, I'm afraid there are some lines on the list that need addressing:

• 7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.) Oh nooooo! The "do you feel this, too?" guy! He wants to sweep you off your feet with John Mayer ballads and tales of that one trip he took to Grand Canyon once, where he learned to "really feel, you know? Life, is like, you know, a giant canyon of dreams and feelings and love, right? It's all just so magical and emotional." Two minutes after he tells you this, you are done making out forever.

• 15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Is anyone else totally creeped out by this one? Don't let that lady talk! Nothing says "sexy" like silence by force. Gross.

• 29. "Don't ever leave me." Dudes: you will be dumped 3 seconds after saying this.

• 16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." Are you having sex in the display window at Macy's?

• 2. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing." If someone ever said this to me, I would burst out laughing. I would then continue laughing as I stood up, got dressed, and grabbed my things. Right before I walked out the door, I'd squeeze the guy's hand, and then get the hell out of there.

• 8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito." I'm not gonna lie: I love burritos. But there is a time and a place, son! And sexy time and burrito time just don't mix, I'm afraid. It's bad news, bears! Bad news! It is one thing to excuse yourself to slip on a cute little outfit or dig some condoms out of your purse, but it is quite another to have to take a break from making out in order to pop some Beano, know what I'm sayin'?

Alas, my boyfriend is right: this list is too easy to pick apart. And yet I can't help it! The list is filled with slightly creepy, calculated phrases that are akin to similar lists that pop up in women's magazines, wherein we are instructed to send our boyfriends or girlfriends texts saying "Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra" and other embarrassing "OMG nobody says that shit" phrases of the sort. So perhaps, dear commenters, we should try to help the crew of Men's Health by suggesting better lines, or at the very least, let them know which lines to avoid. Any suggestions?

30 Hottest Things To Say To A Naked Woman [Men's Health]
Sexy Texts To Entice Him [Cosmopolitan]

• Rule Number 10: Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis. As I do not have a penis, I'm not sure I understand the logic behind this one. If you're going to get a tattoo, and you want it to be visible, you might as well go all out, yeah?
• Rule Number 13: Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her. I honestly don't even have anything sassy to say about this, as my immediate reaction was, "Oooh, ouch. Yeah." Well played, Men's Health. Well played.
• Rule Number 17: Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk. Hold up, son. You can buy candy at kiosks! Maybe you shouldn't buy your significant other a gift at a kiosk, but if you're going to Suzy Whosit from Accounting's office birthday party, a little knick knack or a bag of Peanut M&M's never hurt anybody.
• Rule Number 19: Do not bring lunch to work. In this economy? Are you out of your mind, Men's Health? Sexy is as sexy does, and if Pete wants to bring a peanut butter sandwich to work in order to, you know, pay off his student loans and afford to stay in his own apartment so he doesn't have to move back in with mom and dad, well, that's the hotness right there.
• Rule Number 20: Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars. This, I believe, is the Men's Health equivalent of the "Girls, don't you love shoes! You're so girly, girls! Rainbows are totally like the shoes of the skies, girls!" crap you'd see in certain women's magazines.
• Rule Number 31: Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon. Ugh. Really, Men's Health? Really???
• Rule Number 33: The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed. That may be true, but if she sees you walking up with this list in your hands, the way she runs as fast as she can in the opposite direction should be enough to let you know that you're never, ever going to find out.
• Rule Number 14: Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works. Oh, sweet, sweet irony. You never let us down.

40 Unwritten Rules To Live By [Men's Health]

• Holy underminer, Batman! Whitney Port on her clothing line: "I'm developing a clothing line. It won't be like Lauren's stuff, which I loved. Mine will be a little more high-end." [Radar]
• "Fashion Victims: The Catty Catalogue of Stylish Casualties From A to Z" by Michael Roberts, fashion director of Vanity Fair, sounds like it will be fascinating to the fashionistas he skewers and completely stultifying to everyone else. "Roberts has written a poem for each letter of the alphabet, for instance P for "photographer": "Why am I so fabulous? What makes me truly great? What would life be without me? It's hard to contemplate . . . No billboards straddling city streets with body parts gigantic/Nor me with glass in premiere class crisscrossing the Atlantic." The accompanying illustration is a caricature of Mario Testino. " Sounds like a gas. [NY Post]
• Early estimates place the price of Cindy McCain's RNC outfit at $300,000. Well, in fairness $280,000 goes towards her three-karat diamond earrings. [US News]

• We love how thoughtfully celebrities consider the challenges of starting a small business! Jamie-Lynn Sigler on her new jewelry line: “We just started beading these gold bracelets with all different types of gold one day and started playing with different charms, and we thought, Hey, let’s do it,” [NY Mag]
• Word on the street is that Cole Mahr, the dude who wore a dress in the Marc Jacobs print ads, will be doing it again on the runway. Does this bode well for Isis?! [Fashionista]
• Lancome adds Dominican model Arlenis Sosa to its "stable." Says Lancome's prez, “Arlenis possesses beauty, intelligence, charm and compassion...All of our brand ambassadors share these attributes, so we knew she would be a wonderful addition. We are very proud to welcome her to the Lancôme family.” [WWD]
• You'll be relieved to know that Fashion Week is civic-minded. A fashion week press release tells us, "In the spirit of the election season and theme at this year’s Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, unique, fashion inspired election slogan pins will be given out in small quantities each day. Fashionistas can vote for their favorite slogan at www.votembfashionweek.com."
• "Furrier to the stars" Dennis Basso owes the IRS. "The baritone-voiced minkmeister is singing the blues now that the feds have imposed a $200,000 lien on his swanky Central Park West apartment, according to public records." Basso says it's all a misunderstanding because his "accountant's mother had a heart attack." [NY Post]
• ANTM judge and "top fashion photographer" Nigel Barker and his wife are having a baby girl. "We found out it’s going to be a little girl," Barker, 36, told Us Thursday at the Saks Fifth Avenue Ruby Slippers Collection party in NYC. "We’re going to look at her, and when we see her, we’re going to come up with a name." They already have a 2-year-old son. [US Weekly]
• Men's Heath EIC and titanic douche David Zinczenko is psyched about the new Women's Health. Quoth he, "We've pulled into the passing lane, and we're poised to surpass a lot of women's magazines now. We can see Glamour just up ahead. There are a lot of opportunities for Women's Health because of the size of the market." [WWD]
• We wouldn't normally think much of the fact that AOL is relaunching its style and beauty site, StyleList.com, except that they've tapped Carmindy as their beauty expert, and we love What Not to Wear. [WWD]
• A Saks Fifth Avenue employee has been charged with $680K in theft. [NY Post]
• Wait, has Rachel Bilson been on any worst-dressed lists? “I think it’s cool to be on the worst-dressed list,” she says. “If people aren’t accepting, that’s OK. Bring it on, I don’t care!” [People]
• Fern Mallis basically runs Fashion Week. Here's why she's psyched: "First of all, September shows always feel like school is starting. This particular season there's different kind of buzz in the air, especially with the elections. We are all wondering how the outcome will affect our industry, especially with two first ladies who wear clothes particularly well." [Huffington Post]
• Behold fall's least flattering fashion trend: the pegged trouser. "They usually have two front pleats at the waistband that are designed to add volume in the hip area, then balloon out in the thigh before tapering in again at the ankle. They can also be cropped on the ankle and high-waisted. Admittedly, they sound alarm bells for most of us - extra volume around the thighs is always a hard sell." Thanks a lot, YSL! [The Guardian]
• Speaking of the 90s: LA Gear is back, baby! In what The Cut describes as the requisite "in Saved by the Bell shapes and neon colors." [The Cut]
• Italian designer Mila Schon has died at 92. [Reuters]
• Kate Betts, Joel Stein and Isaac Mizrahi will all be blogging fashion week for Style & Design. Says Betts, "I wanted to offer readers the same kind of inside, up-to-the-minute, offbeat look at fashion week as opposed to straightforward reviews...Joel and Isaac, I hope, will add a lot of humor." [WWD]
• Model Lily Cole is leaving modeling to pursue acting, was inspired by Heath Ledger. But more to the point, she's starting Cambridge, where she'll be studying history! Says the 20-year-old, "modelling can get a little lonely sometimes, especially when you are travelling on your own. That's what I'm looking forward to about going to university to meet lots of new people." [Telegraph]
• Not profiting by Lily Cole's example, former internet phenom/partygirl and wannabe-Lezark Cory Kennedy has been signed to One Model Management. [Fashionista]
• Domino really understands the needs of its readers; they've done the important work of making a "fashion week survival guide." "The survival guide includes recommendations from designers, editors and fashion insiders, including Francisco Costa, Bloomingdale's fashion director Stephanie Solomon, Simon Doonan, Anya Hindmarch, Vera Wang, Lela Rose and Peter Som. Musings include recommendations on what to do for an hour in between shows — Humberto Leon, from Opening Ceremony, suggested Wu Lim Qi Gong Master Massage." [WWD]
• Raise your hand if you want the new KISS Vans! Wait...no one? "To celebrate that fateful day in 1978 when all four members of the band released solo albums, the skatewear brand (and main sponsor of the Warped Tour) is releasing the Vans x Kiss Sk8-Hi commemorative T-shirt and shoe pack sometime in the "late fall" of this year." [AdAge]
• As previously reported, designer Heather Thomson has tapped New York's pool of exotic dancing talent for her upcoming lingerie show. "She held a competition of dancers who perform gymnastics-like routines on brass poles at some of Manhattan's poshest strip clubs and picked eight to model her Yummie Tummie Shapewear." [Reuters]
• The Rag&Bone designers are refreshingly enthusiastic! "We are big fans of Radiohead. Actually, seeing them perform at Glastonbury head-to-toe in Rag & Bone would be pretty magic." [Fashion Week Daily]
• In addition to a ludicrous rock-themed fashion mag and a fashion-themed rock concert, Fashion Rocks sponsors a charity auction. "Among the items up for auction: A leather jacket autographed by Keith Urban and seats at Kimora Lee Simmons and Diane Von Furstenberg's coveted runway shows." [People]
• We love Daphne Guinness largely because of her connection to the Mitfords, but on any terms her upcoming shoot for Vogue Italia sounds rad! [Fashionista]

And yet Connolly (who doesn't know what a gimlet is, poor thing) heads behind the bar to work with Andrew for one night. He learns earth-shattering stuff, like:

When a guy goes out with a bunch of women, it signals other women that he's not some kind of knucklehead. When a guy goes out with a group of guys, it means he's on the prowl.

Other tips! Men should try the "romantic return," in which they eye a woman, leave, and then come back. "Leaving the scene and then returning because you 'just couldn't let this opportunity go by' takes you out of the Lecherous category and puts you in the Romantic Fool category. It has a Hugh Grant quality that the ladies go for," Andrew explains. (Or makes you look wishy-washy! Or makes it look like asking for my number was something you had to talk yourself into!) Tip #4 is "Don't Dance (unless it's with a woman)", Tip #5 is "Have Good Follow-Up Lines." Andrew says: "Guys get too caught up in opening lines, when it's the next few things you say that make or break you." Actually, pretty much everything you say can make or break you. When you're approaching a woman, you're being judged, period. Act normal and you're gonna get a normal reaction! Act like a cheeseball or a sleaze and you're going to be dismissed. Possibly pointed at, definitely laughed at.

Last, but not least, Tip #6: Beware Of Overfriending." Quote Andrew: "If you pretend you're just a friendly guy, she'll think of you that way. Don't be afraid to get a little sexual when you're talking to women. And don't hide your intentions. It's dishonest, and they can see right through it." Hmm. Maybe. Women are not some exotic and elusive prey that you need to deconstruct the thought patterns of. I've been in plenty of bars and talked to plenty of dudes. The best pick-up line? The one that works every time? When a guy smiles and says, "Hey." But, you know, that's just me.

Find the Right Line [Men's Health]

Over at Men's Health, however, the dudes are covering up. In 2004, half the covers featured shirtless guys; in 2007 there was only one bare-chested man. For Allure, it's all about the best tressed. "Not only abundant hair, but the blowing hair is good for us," says editor Linda Wells. "The worst thing we can do is a really tight, pulled-back style or a hat." And over at Seventeen, some kind of flair is like, totally what a girl wants: "Every cover has to have the doodad," says editor Ann Shoket. "That is, a piece of jewelry... or something that catches your eye." But the person — or personality — on the cover is a big deal as well. Kate White says Cosmo's perfect model is "Someone that you'd love to drive cross country with, you're not going to end up arrested with and with whom you're not going to get bored." Hmm, makes sense that Ms. Lohan was a choice. And Ms. White finds a great cover uh, satisfying. "My sense of a good cover that will sell well is if I want to lick it," she says. "And the Beyoncé [December 2007] cover I licked several times... Before the sun came up." Hey, at least the woman loves her job?

The Science of Covers: Celebs, Cleavage and Sparkle [WWD]

Once you decide, check out MSNBC, where Brian Alexander has written a confusing piece about sexual compatibility: Find a perfect match with DNA! Couples who are similar are happier! Except when it comes to religion and politics: Similar attitudes in those areas are not good predictors of relationship happiness! (Alexander mentions the time-tested couple Mary Matalin and James Carville). One thing is for sure: Neither Men's Health nor MSNBC know the secret to finding true love. But they want you to think they do, because people are desperate for love advice. Don't we all just live, love and learn? Isn't everyone on his or her own path? Isn't love a mystery which refuses to be solved? Or is it possible to learn how to find The One?
Six Women You Need to Meet [Men's Health]
What's The Secret To Sexual Compatibility? [MSNBC]

Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? How about three??

The only McDonald's food that made it onto the list was #20, the Chicken Selects Premium Breast strips (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce. But seriously, who actually orders that? It's nowhere near the dollar menu. Meanwhile, if you stick w. the old-fashioned McNuggets, you're actually having fewer calories, nugget for nugget, than you are with those Boca Chik'N Nuggets you can buy at Whole Foods for approximately $7.99 a box, the entire contents of which you will probably eat before breakfast if your hangovers are anything like mine.

Anyway, I'm not saying I don't loathe the fast food industry, the fucked up American food supply, the antibiotics in the cows, the hormones in the chickens, the illegal immigrant labor keeping all of it afloat. I do. Really, a lot. But I do love the knowledge that when Anna replaces me with some automated outrage robot programmed in Estonia I will be able to afford a delicious cheeseburger and a small bag of fries for less than two dollars while all those rich people downing 2,100 calorie On The Border Dos XX Fish Tacos totally get fat.