• Oh, snap: Paulina Porizkova has been given the pink slip by Tyra and America's Next Top Model! The '80s supermodel told Craig Ferguson on the Late, Late Show:

"Listen, do you know why I am in Los Angeles? Because I am looking for a job. Because I was fired by America's Next Top Model on my birthday." (PP's birthday was April 9.) She continued: "The reason I was told I was fired was because, it seemed, that America's Next Top Model has gotten too fat and they needed to cut some fat and the fat was me. So I figured it was either that or my gigantic huge ego. Which I wasn't aware of until I was told by the producers that I have an ego problem." Will Twiggy come back? Or will the show just have Ms. J, Nigel and Tyra as judges? [E!]

• Did George Clooney get smashed and puke at a party in Miami? A snitch says "He was drinking vodka and Patron, but it looked like he'd had enough," then he hurled in the VIP area. George says: "That never happened, although I was sitting next to someone who did throw up." Right, right. [Gatecrasher]
• Did Brad Pitt get wasted and drunk dial Jennier Aniston? A source says he called and told her he misses her and that he's sorry for any hurt caused." Right, right. [Gatecrasher]
• Someone tried to break into Lindsay Lohan's house yesterday. Cops thought maybe the house was ransacked, but, no, it was just messy. Who among us has not had a bedroom that looked like it was hit by burglars? I have been there. [TMZ]
• Whoops: Rihanna accidentally sent Chris Brown birthday presents! "One of Rihanna's assistants accidentally gave him an expensive pair of sneakers and a watch that Rihanna had bought before they broke up," a source tells Us Weekly. "She no longer wanted to send them." [MSNBC]
• Kate Winslet wears a ring given to her by Leonardo DiCaprio, and it's engraved inside. But she won't reveal what the text reads. One guess: "I'm cold, Rose." [Mirror]
• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 maybe "drew up a secret contract that allows Jon to have girlfriends on the side - as long as he stays on the show." [Star]
• Former Idol runner-up Clay Aiken has reached out to Adam Lambert, but apparently the Idol producers don't want Gayken anywhere near Glambert. [Chicago Sun-Times]
• Britney Spears' cousin and former assistant Alli Sims has a new single on iTunes, which she alerted her entire phone book about via text message. [Page Six]
• Since what every woman lives for is to be validated by men, Olivia Wilde must be thrilled that she is number one on the Maxim Hot 100 list. [USA Today]
• Wow! Jennifer Hudson looks gorgeous on the new cover of Essence. LOL at the number one sex secret: "Make Him Say Your Name." People! That is a Beyoncé song. [The Life files]
• Michael Jackson could take home more than $50 million from his 50-show stint at London's O2 Arena. [Reuters]
• Michael Jackson's tour is "shrouded in secrecy." A source says "here are some big things that will happen and amaze." [MSNBC]
• Nicole Kidman was supposed to star in a Woody Allen film with Josh Brolin and Naomi Watts, but has "bolted" from the project. [Variety]
• As seen in this 2008 video, Carrie Prejean was a lingerie model for E! [E!]
• Mark Ronson names his "essentials": Lagavulin whiskey; Duran Duran; the Sunday New York Times. Among others. [Men.Style.Com]
• Justin Timberlake's family adores Jessica Biel. [Page Six]
• A 50 Cent/Bette Midler duet would be epic. Amazing! In the meantime, you'll have to make do knowing that they garden together. Sorta. [E!]
• Drop everything and shed a single glistening tear: Chad Michael Murray is leaving One Tree Hill. Ditto Hilarie Burton. [E!]
• This Daily Fail story is about how Leona Lewis is lonely, homesick and gaining weight; based on a few photos. Charming. [Daily Mail]
• Depeche Mode's lead singer, Dave Gahan, is in the hospital in Athens, Greece for an undisclosed illness. Insert "Shake The Disease" or "Just Can't Get Enough" or "Personal Jesus" joke here. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Katie "Jordan" Price and Peter Andre constantly sniped at each other and she called him her "punch bag," so maybe it's best that they have split. [The Sun]
• This report claims that Katie "Jordan" Price was training for a marathon (?!?!) and refusing to fornicate, which is why "sex-starved" hubs Peter Andre wanted out. [The Sun]
• I called this, but here it is: "Katie Price's mystery man is gay equestrian star." [News.com.au]
• Kylie Minogue and her hot hottie boyfriend went to a photobooth where they acted "like a pair of lovestruck teenagers." Whee! [Daily Mail]
• Kid Rock is making an alcohol product called Bad Ass Beer. "It just tastes like good American light beer…an everyday beer," he says. "It's creating jobs in Michigan at the brewing company. We know people are hurting here so we're trying to take that whole approach." [LA Times]
• New day, same story: Trudie Styler, Rainforest Foundation founder, hired a private jet for the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Won't someone think of the epiphytes?!?!?! [Daily Mail]
• Anna Kournikova had so many demands related to a recent speaking engagement — chauffeur, first class plane tickets — that she is being called Costly Kournikova. [Daily Mail]
• This guy who "contributed script ideas" to Guy Ritchie's flick, RocknRolla, is on the "most wanted" list in London; he was involved in a demonstration against Israel's presence in Gaza and his Facebook (?!?!) states, "Muslim first before anything. And InshAllah I will die one…" [The Sun]
• Three words: Goonies cast reunion. [USA Today]
• Blind item! "Which self-branded wanna-be celeb was caught doing the walk of shame at11 a.m. - in her ball gown - after a recent gala in D.C.? [Gatecrasher]
• "It's very exciting and very different than the first one, which is the luxury of getting to do another one. We did the first one, and those were our pent-up things that we hadn't finished in the show, so now we're just starting fresh in a way, which is really, really exciting. It's just a new adventure." — Kristin Davis, on the Sex And The City sequel. [Mirror]
• "I've changed the destination of my wedding seven times." — Rachel Hunter. [Page Six]
• "Somebody told me these people are using it. I hate politics. I just want people to serve the people. I want governments, whichever government comes in, to be unbiased and say there should be justice in the country and that's my purpose in life." — Composer AR Rahman, who is upset that Indian political campaigns are using the song "Jai Hao." [Times Of India]
• "This is what I told the guys: The plan was I wanted to do the dance record, go on the tour, come home and get pregnant — since I'm a pro at it now because I did it before. I'll write the record while I'm pregnant, then after I have the baby, we'll go on tour and we'll have a new No Doubt record. It'll be amazing… It totally didn't work. I don't know how other women feel, but I lose connection with myself because my body becomes this other vessel for this other human, even after a few months, you don't have your body back, you're not yourself. I was feeling not very modern, not very creative." — Gwen Stefani, on working with No Doubt. [LA Times]
• "Lindsay is a good person to have watch over Ali right now. Lindsay can show Ali the ropes. Ali's out there working on her record and singing career." — Dina Lohan. [MSNBC]
• "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER... WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT... THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT'S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW .... WHY? ... BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!" — Your friend, Kanye West. [DListed]

Honestly, ex-Maxim honcho Keith Blanchard's "9 things Maxim taught me about women" could be more annoying. The first is "women like when you play with their hair" — a generalization, sure, but pretty innocuous, and often true. And "women want a simple, clean apology," without "mitigating factors" or "strings attached" is pretty solid — doesn't everybody want that?

But then there's "women are vulnerable to the curveball":

Compliment a hot woman on being hot and a man will run smack into her defenses, no matter how creative he is (and we can get very creative; this is Prime Directive stuff). But compliment a smart woman on being hot, or a funny woman on being smart, and unless he is a total dorkasaurus about it the man will double his odds at least, as his target correctly recognizes him as unusually perceptive, sensitive, brilliant, etc. Just a minor weakness in your defensive shield, that's all … nothing to be concerned about.

This makes it sound like women can all be divided into camps — the "hot" camp, the "smart" camp, the "funny" camp — and there's little or no overlap. Aren't there smart women who know they're hot? Funny women who know they're smart? And does a woman's self-concept really need to be referred to as a "defensive shield"?

There's also "for women, no date is over until they've shared it with their friends" — yes Keith, we watched Sex and the City too, but not all women use their dates as brunch entertainment. Or, "women dress up for their girlfriends, not for us," with its explanation: "If it were up to us you would just be naked, all the time. Honestly, seriously." Me Tarzan, you Jane. What is this shoes? Is food? Zzzzzzzzzz.

Really though, the true piece de resistance, the rotten nugget in this box of unpalatable but maybe sort of edible "nuggets of wisdom," is this:

Women have a raw deal.

This will sound like I'm just sucking up, but I'm not. We actually catalogued the details in one of the earliest Maxim pieces, "50 Reasons It's Great To Be a Guy." You know: "you don't have to carry a purse around," and "just one mood, all month long, ha ha!" and so on. Well, as the guys brainstormed, our list kept growing ("haircuts are cheaper!" and "more pay for the same work!" and "nobody is ever, ever looking at your ass!") and it started to dawn on us that this wasn't just a funny conceit: Biology and society have conspired to stack the deck unfairly against the fairer sex in dozens of ways. So, uh … sorry.

Purses, expensive haircuts, income inequality — wow, life as a woman is full of little annoyances. Too bad big old biology and society hate you girls so much. Nothing we can do about it though — except laugh!

9 things Maxim taught me about women [MSNBC]

Probably the former. Yes, families where both parents are present in the children's lives are more stable and ultimately create a better environment for children, but Grove is implying that parents need to not only be married for children to thrive, but the man needs to be working and providing ("responsibility") for his young while the woman stays home and cares for them. Why not promote a society where single mothers can provide for their children on their own? Grove says that the Conservative government will provide a maternity nurse service for families who need help during the first days after childbirth, but there is no mention of this service being available to single mothers (or fathers) who have a newborn. An emphasis is placed on the relationship between the father and mother, implying that they are together.

And what does Grove think of women's magazines? While he condemns lad mags' presentation of a "narrow conception of beauty and a shallow approach towards women," he praises women's magazines (and their publishers) for addressing their readers "in a mature and responsible fashion." So, being obsessed with materialism, being fearful of any beauty "imperfection," and constantly being reminded that the attention of men is necessary to live a happy lifestyle is "mature"? Has this dude ever looked at a women's magazine?

Lad Mags Linked To 'Social Ills' [BBC]
'Lads Mags' Condemned Over Images Of Women [Telegraph]
Poll" Do Lad Mags Make Men Feckless? [Guardian]

• Nelson Mandela personally called Amy Winehouse and asked her to sing at his birthday party on June 27! The former president of South Africa phoned her! Bono, Elton John and Annie Lennox are expected to perform as well. This UK paper says,"Let's hope [Amy] bee-hives herself!" Yuk, yuk. [Mirror]
  
• Meanwhile: Does Blake Incarcerated have a secret mistress? Is he plotting with the "mystery blonde" to run away with her — and a chunk of Amy's £10 million fortune? [The Sun]
  
• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are due in court today for a progress review. A completely uninformed opinion? She's doing better. [People]
  
• Owen Wilson allegedly picked up some chick (not Kate Hudson) and invited her back to is boat and propositioned her to join him in a threesome with Vince Vaughn. There was a time that a Butterscotch Stallion/Money Baby sandwich would have been soooo hot, and that time was 2001. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Britney's back at work on How I Met Your Mother. She looks cute dressed to match Neil Patrick Harris! [TMZ]

• Tom Cruise's new web site is a finely crafted masterpiece of PR spin. [LA Times]
• Prince! Is working on a book! Featuring poetry and photographs and elegantly sealed in a purple slipcase, of course. [Reuters]
• Dina Lohan is being honored as a "Top Mom" by a Long Island-based charity, Mingling Moms Organization. Ali Lohan says: "My mom is great, she has always been there for us. She helps us follow our dreams. I love her to death." And by "to death" she means, "Sometimes I want to strangle her." [Page Six]
• Pete Doherty is out of jail! He served 29 days of a 14-week sentence and now he's back on the streets. You've been warned. [People]
• John Mayer on the pix of him with Jen Aniston in Miami: "Listen, this is not a scandal, this is not an issue, this is not a problem, this needs no spin control. This is me living my life and a guy with a really powerful lens and I don't fault him, I don't fault anybody, I don't fault you, I don't fault this or that. There are much worse problems in the world. Everything's cool!" Hahaha, stoner. [ET]
• But! John Mayer was seen out with Maroon 5 horndog Adam Levine and John "The Player" was "all over some blond girl," according to a source. Maybe he and Jennifer Aniston haven't had "the talk" yet? [Page Six]
• Maxim's Hot 100 list is a sister act: Ashlee Simpson is No. 18, Jessica Simpson is No. 53. But while Ashley Olsen is No. 47, Mary-Kate is not on the list at all... Which might be a compliment. [Page Six]
• Hollywood Hills neighbors of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are pissed that paparazzi cars are parking in their hood. [Page Six]
• Barbara Walters is traveling by private jet to 25 US cities to promote her memoir — and she's taking hair and makeup people from The View with her. But! She's paying for it all herself. [Rush & Molloy]
• Jay-Z at a show at NYC's Madison Square Garden: "This concert isn't endorsed by Obama, but it's time for a change." [Rush & Molloy]
• Jeremy Piven was seen having a "knock-down, all-out screaming match" with a brunette at a party. Ari Gold, is that you? [Rush & Molloy]
• The jury may deliver a verdict in the Uma Thurman stalking case today; we'll keep you posted. [TMZ]
• The bench warrant issued for Foxy Brown yesterday was due to a misunderstanding. Foxy is still free! [TMZ]
• Angela Kinsey, who plays Angela on The Office, gave birth to a baby girl, Isabel Ruby, on Saturday afternoon. [People]
• Mischa Barton is pissed at a photographer who snapped pictures of her sunbathing topless. She says: "He's a ridiculous human being. I've never abhorred anyone more. I was so angry, I went up to him and said how disappointed I was with his behavior. He apologized but he was very insincere." It should be noted that this photographer is the same one Nicole Kidman won a restraining order against after she testified that he tried to run her off the road. [Mirror]
• Peaches Geldof, 19 (daughter of Sir Bob) is implicated in a cocaine ring, ruh-roh. [Mirror]
• Nip/Tuck star Joely Richardson kind of wants an African baby. "I'd love to adopt," she says. "I was almost in tears on a hospital visit because there were two or three babies to each cot, but I told myself that crying wouldn't help." [Mirror]
• Yoko Ono is suing the producers of a movie hat challenges the concept of Darwinian evolution, saying they used the song Imagine without her permission and led the blogosphere to accuse her of "selling out." [USA Today]
• "I don't think of myself as an [feminist] icon, but I think of myself as interested and can get ruffled at gender inequality. I still get touchy when people say that guys are interested in sex and girls are interested in love. It's bullshit." —Liz Phair. [Rolling Stone]

But more unsettling to Leve was that Parker brought husband Matthew Broderick into the morass when she said "It has to do with his judgment too." "This I don't understand," notes Leve. "Was he always secure in his judgment about her until the Maxim magazine list came along and suddenly forced him to reconsider everything? Did this list really have that kind of impact?"

And the answer is: It damn well shouldn't have an impact on how Matthew feels about his wife! Your longterm significant other sure as hell better love you for something other than your looks, or he's going to be really disappointed when you (gasp!) get older. And here's the other thing us regular ladies should take away from Maxim's list: even if you're Angelina Jolie, not every man (or woman, for the Lezebels) is going to think you're attractive. Haha, my shrink told me that once after I was upset that some dude didn't like me. But it's good advice! Because every man should not have to find you attractive in order for you to feel good about yourself! Of course, being publicly denigrated stings for any woman, but as Leve puts it, "As Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker inhabits a world where women are in charge, they live free and interesting lives and are asked out by men every day. I can see why none of this would appeal to readers of Maxim, who are probably quite controlling over the few women they manage to attract." In short: Fuck the haters.

Sarah Jessica Parker Is Upset At Being Called Unsexy. But What Do Maxim Readers Know About Women? [Guardian]

Earlier: Maxim, Entertainment Weekly Agree: Jews, Blacks, Asians Not So "Sexy"

In fact, of EW's twenty-five "Ultimate Hotties," the only ethnic ones are Latina: Half-Bolivian Raquel Welch, Mexican Salma Hayek, half-Mexican Jessica Alba, and half-Spanish Rita Hayworth. What about Rachel Weisz? Angela Bassett? Lucy Liu? Or, really, anyone who doesn't inspire girls to ask for nose jobs, $300 highlights or eyelid-surgery for their sweet sixteens?

Sarah Jessica Parker named world's unsexiest woman [Sydney Morning Herald]
Ultimate Female Hotties: Pick the All-Time No. 1 [Entertainment Weekly]

Maxim Online's resident sexpert Lindsay has received an interesting and pretty disturbing query from reader "Tra", who complains that "there are times during sex when, if I get it just right, I can feel something in my girlfriend sorta pop when I jam it all the way."

Although we're baffled that Lindsay didn't feel compelled to tell Tra that any sort of "pop" during sex is the exact opposite of "getting it right", she did explain that it may be due to his bumping up against a cervix or ovary [What?! -Ed.]. But seeing that the real victim in this sordid affair — Tra's girlfriend— is obviously getting the short end of the stick (so to speak!) in the situation, we went back to yesterday's video of penis-expert Alexyss Tylor for some advice.

All penises are not created equal. Every man may not know because he may not have a penis to really know how to hit that bottom or lift and hit that bottom and work that middle Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of your vagina...your body remembers it. That woman is being seduced, he's breaking her down man, he's screwing her into submission, he's screwing her into slavery, by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down and her defenses, you're wide open with a penis up in your vagina man, you don't have no defenses."

Brilliant! This is like The Declaration of Independence, Gettysburg Address, Emancipation Proclamation, civil-rights movement and rough sex all rolled into one!

Easy Sex [MaximOnline]
Earlier: Advice To Consider: Don't Just Let 'Any' Man Hit The Root Of Your Vagina
Related: All Men Are Created Equal [Wikipedia]

Over at Fishbowl they've got a sneak preview of Shock magazine.

"Hachette's Shock magazine may not be making its official newsstand debut until May 30, but we got our hands on a copy late last night. Notable in its $1.99 cover price and lack of ads — a shockingly thin four ad pages, including JVC, Girls Gone Wild and an adult text message service — it's pretty much what we expected: 96 pages of blood, rotting corpes, civilians on fire, KKK kids, and Jessica Simpson giving us the finger."

Girls Gone Wild and the "adult text message service" are the giveaways here. Another lads mag, meant to push the saucy boundaries set by the likes of Maxim and Loaded. But the raucous lad mags had their day way back when they were there for boys who didn't dare reach up to the top shelf for their porn.

But hey! Meet my new friend Mr Internet. You see, if I want to find pictures of babies burning or dead mutilated Iraqis I can do that for FREE. Why the hell am I going to shell out $1.99 for a sanitised version of the filth I crave so badly that is just a few keystrokes away in the comfort of my own home?

Oh, I get it. I'll read it for the articles.