I mean, why is it that the mental image I have of a guy who utilizes sex toys is someone kind of creepy? Is this fleshlight any stranger-looking than a rabbit, really? Why is it that I am fine with a guy jerking off with his hands, but if he's jerking off in something I'm vaguely disturbed? Why is it not remotely strange to me that men would buy things to shove up their butts — or to have their partners shove up their butts — but, still, looking at this picture of something the would stick their dicks in, some reptilian part of my brain goes "Ewww."? Even the author of the article, Tanya Gold, admits to masturbating with mechanical aids, but seems to find male sex toys — from the pocket pussies to the pussy-in-a-jar devices to the blow-up and real dolls — disturbing in their appearance and what they say about the men who utilize them.

So, is a pocket pussy sexist? Does it represent some sort of objectification of women in a way that a vibrator doesn't — or that masturbating generally doesn't? I have to admit, it isn't. I think part of my discomfort (or our discomfort) with the men who use such devices stems from a fear that the stereotype that men regard us as little more than convenient, comfortable orifices could actually be true for many of them. But I also know, from experience, that the stereotype isn't true for the kinds of men worth sleeping with, regardless of how they choose to masturbate — sex can be as intimate and connecting an experience for men as it is for women. For most men, jerking off in a plastic tube isn't going to be any more of a replacement for sex with a partner than masturbating is — and if your partner would rather masturbate than ever have sex with you, it's not the fault of the tube, but him.

Guys And Dolls: A Revealing Look At Men's Sex Toys [The Independent]

SPENCER: So should we go forward with Crappy Hour or can you tell Anna that the seriousness of the financial crisis merits a suspension of the feature?

MEGAN: Oh, sure, I mean, you and I really need to get up in the Hill this morning and involve ourselves in negotiations for the bailout package that we've been heretofore uninvolved in, because our presence and our presence alone will resolve the 3 days of negotiations. It'll just take a few days. She'll understand. It's a crisis after all. And totally unlike the mortgage crisis that spawned legislation that we ignored a couple of months ago. This one is important.

SPENCER: Country First, goddammit.

MEGAN: This is not a time for partisan politics!

SPENCER: I think in 42 days, we're going to look back on this as the day McCain lost the election. A more massively unforced error I cannot imagine.

MEGAN: I guess it depends on whether you're Steve Schmidt and think that debating Obama on Friday (or having Palin debate Biden next week) would be a bigger error.

SPENCER: While I was watching Bush's speech last night, a whole other dimension of error occurred to me: why does it benefit McCain to go meet with the least popular president in history, the one whose legacy McCain has to distance himself from?

MEGAN: The only thing I can think is what some Republipundit said last night, which is that it forces Obama to interact positively with Bush, inoculating McCain to a degree, and it might allow McCain to call a shitty bailout bill a "Bush-Obama" bill. If that's the actual thinking — if there is actual thinking involved in this decision — then kudos.

SPENCER: No, that doesn't match the timeline. Remember, at 8:30 a.m. yesterday, Obama called McCain and proposed a joint statement. McCain responded affirmatively around 2ish, and then an hour later announced this no-debate stunt. The likeliest explanation is that McCain huddled with Davis and Schmidt and thought about how to throw the ball further downfield. But here they miscalculated almost completely: SurveyUSA found only 10 percent think the debate should be put off.

MEGAN: Well, at least Schmidt and Davis managed to find some people in the tank for them.

SPENCER: I guess the Bush thing could have been trying to bind Obama, but he can't turn down a presidential invite, and could just as easily put out a release as tepid as... the joint statement he did with McCain.

MEGAN: According to Obama, though, McCain brought it up at the 2:30 conference call and Obama said, let's have our people discuss it when they're talking about the joint statement. So it was on McCain's mind before. But, yeah, they were in the midst of negotiating that statement when McCain made his announcement. So, it's unsurprising that the statement is tepid.

SPENCER: Meanwhile McCain looks like a complete pussy. He's too chickenshit to debate Obama — dude, al-Qaeda bombed the fucking USS Cole in October 2000 and Bush and Gore still debated! — and now looks like a supplicant to Bush. One unforced error on top of another.

MEGAN: Oooh, nice catch on the USS Cole. Also, I'd like to point out the absurdity of the idea that Congress will be negotiating this at 9:00 on Friday night.

SPENCER: Here's another unforced error! If you're suspending the campaign, don't send out talking points on suspending the campaign! Sorry to make you open a PDF.

MEGAN: I love how we can fix the economy by the time the markets open on Monday with legislation. Presto-chango! It's fixed!

SPENCER: We don't even really need to comment on the transparent foolishness of this stunt. Within 30 minutes the bigfoot journalists on secret listservs I'm on digested it and became immediately appalled. It's a waste of time to even treat the idea seriously.

MEGAN: Dude, I started laughing hysterically when I heard. Like, it might have been the 3 cups of coffee, but I was wiping away tears listening to it, I was laughing that hard.

SPENCER: The only right-wing journalists still shilling for this are at the Weekly Standard. Even NRO readers aren't buying the dog food. Look at what Bill Kristol wrote:

As for the question of Friday night's debate, which some in the media seem to think more important than saving the financial system—if the negotiations are still going on in D.C., McCain should offer to send Palin to debate Obama! Or he can take a break from the meetings, fly down at the last minute himself, and turn a boring foreign policy debate, in which he and Obama would repeat well-rehearsed arguments, into a discussion about leadership and decisiveness. And if the negotiations are clearly on a path to success, then McCain can say he can now afford to leave D.C., fly down, and the debate would become a victory lap for McCain.

I read that and thought of the scene in Boogie Nights when a coked-out Dirk Diggler tries desperately to get erect, tears rolling down his face, talking to his cock like "come on... come on..."

MEGAN: Um, I can't believe you just made me think about Bill Kristol's cock just there. I love this part, though, Country First my ass.

Of course his motives were partly election-related. But "the interest of the man must be connected with the constitutional rights of the place."

McCain is America! America is McCain! What's right for him is right for everyone! Quick, everyone swap spouses! Call your wife a cunt!

SPENCER: I call Kim Kagan. I will sex her up like Color Me Badd.

MEGAN: Will you give her your dick in a boxx?

SPENCER: Ohhh, maybe Noemie Emery. I hear she crazy. Like, files-her-pieces-on-legal-legal-paper crazy.

MEGAN: Oh, her poor interns.

SPENCER: Should probably record a take-off on a Biggie song. "Dreams (Of Fucking A Right-Wing Bitch)." Noemie, I'm just playing! ... I'm saying!

MEGAN: Man, I think we could totally make a YouTube video out of that.

SPENCER: Back to McCain. (Yo, Meghan, don't take me seriously girl. I know you're reading. Don't mind what I say about your dad. Hit me up. 281-330-8004. My girlfriend doesn't have to know.)

MEGAN: Hey, look, Cynthia McKinney, Bob Barr and Ralph Nader are offering their services. I think that should be McCain's punishment if he bails on Friday. He should have to debate them, and Obama gets a night to himself.

SPENCER: How does McCain dig himself out of this? The debate is clearly going to happen tomorrow.

MEGAN: If it doesn't, he's cost the taxpayers of Mississippi $5 million for his little stunt. Oh, how do you like your low-spending Republicans now, Red State Mississippi? At least Obama gives a shit about how he spends your money.

SPENCER: He's going to have to slink down to Mississippi, backtracking on all this, an object of total ridicule for Obama. And McCain's temper cannot handle ridicule.

MEGAN: Yeah, I don't think him showing up tomorrow is going to be some big victory lap around Ole Miss, Bill Kristol's masturbatory epistles aside.

SPENCER: I'm kind of expecting Nancy Phflorfhfthflhflfhthloger to put out a statement about how McCain spent FIVE AND A HALF YEARS not being able to debate anyone.

MEGAN: He was just doing what he always does! Like with the Surge, he was doing what he thought was right, electoral consequences be damned!! Nancy Pfuckingsucks actually said that yesterday.

SPENCER: No! She did????

MEGAN: Yes, I heard it on MSNBC, but I was already laughing so hard I couldn't laugh any harder.

SPENCER: Republican pollster Scott Rasmussen has Obama up two points in... North Carolina. End times! This guy is fucked. He just lost the election. McCain better pray for a terrorist attack or some shit.

MEGAN: I think he already masturbates to that. I don't think you can pray one-handed.

While Stein uses webcam performers and porn actresses at his studios in New York and L.A., he had this to say about his studios in the Dominican Republic:

"We also have one down in the Dominican Republic, where they have lots of problems with sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS. We think it's a good idea to go to these countries where we can pull the girls off the street, give them a safe place to come work, where they don't have to interact with people on a one-on-one basis, but can do it virtually."

It's one thing to watch porn knowing that the women and men involved have made their choice to be in it. It's another thing to watch porn starring female sex workers (or women avoiding prostitution) from a developing nation with few economic opportunities for women that might or might not be avoiding prostitution for fear of contracting HIV or because they already have. It seems 10 times more exploitative, and then given the probability that Stein isn't paying them as much as his U.S.-based performers (despite charging the same to his customers) ratchets that exploitative feeling up another few notches.

Anyway, in the end, I'm not sure that Stein's business model is that much different than the average webcam business model, except that the consumer need not type coherently one-handed under Stein's plan. As far as Stein's concerned, that makes him an "orgasm broker." Luckily for me, my orgasms aren't a commodity and they and the ones I happily to give to other people of my choosing aren't monetized — and, even better, I don't need a matchmaker for my G-spot.

Interview With an Orgasm Broker [Village Voice]

"Why Are Lesbians Always Fatter Than Straight Women?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

"Is Believing In Creationism Grounds For A Breakup?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Cable Vibrator Commercial Acknowledges That Masturbation Is For Women Of All Ages

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

1.) Electric Toothbrush The first time I ever turned on my electric toothbrush I had an almost Pavlovian response to that familiar buzzing sound, and my vagina began to drool, but I'd never bothered to try it out... until the other day. I removed the bristle head, and placed the vibrating metal stem onto my outer lips (I was too scared to put it right on my clit, since it looked like it could be a little sharp). The problem with this is that without the head on the toothbrush, the stem is way too thin to really do anything substantial. Of course, some sex toy shops sell attachments designed specifically for such an occasion, but not all of us have the foresight to do something like that. Necessity is the mother of invention, so I grabbed some toilet paper and rapped it around the stem to form sufficient padding, and that did the trick. Sure it didn't hold a candle to my Magic Wand, but it lit me up anyway.

2.) Cell Phone Okay, so I've actually tried using my phone on vibrate to get off many a (drunken) time before, but it was always an exercise in futility. However, for those of you who have an iPhone, you may have heard about iBrate, an application you can download that can actually turn your iPhone into a vibrator. It's still sort of a lame substitute, since the vibe is a little to soft and steady for my liking (i can haz pulsing, pleeeze?), but at least it can get you to a certain level of excitement and then your hands and arms can come in and finish you off.

3.) Neutrogena Wave When I first saw the commercial for the Neutrogena Wave — a "power cleanser" for your face — I was like, "That's a straight-up vibrator." Unfortunately, I didn't have one of these bad boys while on vacation, but I obtained one since, and have been testing it out today, and dude, it's a straight-up vibrator. It's just as good as any silver bullet vibe, but it's quieter. Also, on the box, it says "penetrates deeper." Heh heh.

4.) Bath Tub Faucet Everyone is always going on about detatchable shower heads, and they're great and all, but they're the sort of luxury item for people who frequent Brookstone or Restoration Hardware. I'm all about the bathtub faucet, because it has a powerful gush of water, and the crappier your apartment, the more unsteady (thus exciting!), the flow can be. I actually picked this up at a really young age because I heard it being talked about on Married With Children.

5.) Washing Machine It's a little clichéd, but honestly, an unbalanced washing machine on the spin cycle is just about the best ride you can take on a hunk of metal that doesn't have wheels. If you really want it to be fun, throw some sneakers in there, or place a large load of heavy towels or maybe some pillows in, but only on one side.

• Lindsay Lohan has been dropped as the face of Jill Stuart, because she's, well, Lindsay Lohan. Her replacement: Hilary Swank. [Porfolio - Mixed Media]
  
• Tomorrow's the last night of this season's Project Runway: What are fans supposed to do with ourselves now? Oh yes, stalk the casting sessions for Season 5, which begin this month. [Sassybella]
  
• Not content with shilling overpriced denim, Victoria Beckham is now doing a line of dresses which will be done under a separate label than her DVB denim line. The dress line's name? POSH Frocks, naturally. [Sassybella]
  
• Pete Wentz is opening his own salon in Chicago. To which I say: NO. [BellaSugar]
  
• Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony looks, well, like the crazy prepster-indie-skater-prairie girl shit you normally see on... Chloe Sevigny. [FabSugar]

• I would probably me more inclined to buy expensive shit if the ads showed a woman masturbating. [FabSugar]
• Ugh. Jean-Paul Gaultier isn't alone: Fur is more popular now than ever before. [Reuters]
• Hayden Panettiere's ads for Dooney & Burke are out: Does anyone think this girl looks increasingly like an anonymous blonde and less like, well, herself? [Sassybella]
• They say no splinters, but I'm still skeptical of lingerie made from pine trees. [Daily Mail]
• Poor organization made for a less-than-perfect Berlin Fashion Week. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Diane von Furstenberg: Helping people every day! Or at least asking business leaders to "inspire" women in developing countries. [WWD, sub req'd]
• John Galliano's models lurve him big time. [Fashion Week Daily]

• Love was in the air this week, especially for these gorillas who were doing it missionary. From now on, missionary sex will be referred to as "gorilla style."
  
• Maybe they should have bought condoms first, like the Golden Girls did. That Zbornak is always prepared!
  
• Another old broad, Jane Fonda, said cunt on the Today show.
  
• We pondered polyamory, which seems like something Jane would have been into in the 70s.
  
• Mariah Carey = Hello Kitty + Einstein. Think about it.
  
• Our favorite animated bleeding heart, Lisa Simpson, choo-choo-chooses Ralph Wiggum.
  
• Also involving choo-choos: the Darjeeling Limited-esque Free People catalog.
  
• Obama's campaign is like a runaway train! Hop on it!
  
• The Witch of Blackbird Pond inspired fantasies of dripping breeches.
  

I must've started not long after I was out of diapers. I think the first time that I actually orgasmed I was about 7 years old, maybe 6. It was by accident, and of course I had no idea that's what was going on. For me it was just a fun side activity while watching TV (and it still is). I became addicted.

Initially I didn't associate any shame with what I was doing, until I was about 8 or 9 and my mother caught me and yelled at me. That didn't stop me, I just knew it was something I had to do in private. Years of Catholic schooling later had me praying to God that I could find the strength to stop doing "that thing I do," but that was a very short lived period of my life before I stopped buying into the bag of bullshit the nuns were trying to sell me.

I would read about "mind-blowing" sex in Joan Collins and V.C. Andrews books, passages that likened women's orgasms to lightning strikes and bells sounding, so I had really hyped up sex in my mind. I knew I wouldn't come on my first couple tries at sex with a boy. Finally, after fooling around with my boyfriend for a month or two, I came while he was going down on me, and I remember being like, "Oh! That's what that is? I can do that better and faster by myself!" By then, I realized that what would happen when I touched myself was an orgasm, but for some reason I thought it would be different — or better — with a partner. And sometimes it is.

Related: 'Help Children Masturbate' [The Sun]
Paperback: The Dirty Bits — For Girls [Independent]

In the bedroom, Jezebel might be described as a "sloppy vixen."

• She explored early: over half of you learned how to orgasm before the age of 15, and nearly a third of you can masturbate if someone else is in the room, thanks to the freshman dormroom situation.
• Over 40% of you would totally bone down with your friends exes, but only if there were no emotional attachment.
• And a third of you have HPV. Perhaps you got it from your friend's ex-boyfriend?
• In her defense, if Jezebel is a slut, she's an honest slut: nearly half of you only lie by a 1-3 partner margin of error when giving your "number"; 27% of you don't even know your number.
• Jezebel prefers "Sade sex" to "Slayer sex", and forget doing her up the ass; 35% of you are haven't even had butt sex, and less than a quarter of you actually like it.
• And the room she likes to get down in? It's 54% likely to make Moe's look clean.
• And who she gets down with? He's a lot more likely to force you to watch "Stripes" than go anywhere near, like, guns and shit.

  
  Meanwhile, Jezebel's stance on current affairs might be described as "bleeding-heart realist."

  • When it comes to cuteness, Jez is mostly color-blind. In movie stars you are most likely to fantasize over the Caucasian Clive Owen, but when it comes to babies you kind of want a Maddox, although you love the rest of the Jolie-Pitt babes pretty evenly. You're deeply appalled by racism in celebrities, even when they are as dumb as Paris Hilton. You're good at compartmentalizing; you'll admit it when an enemy of democracy happens to be kind of hot. But when it comes to democracy protesters you narrowly prefer Pakistan's lawyers to Burma's monks, though much of that margin can be attributed to the dramatically-increased likelihood that the lawyers will actually have sex with you. You aren't delusional.
  • Which may explain why Jezebel is deeply skeptical that violent sex offenders can be rehabilitated, even when they are underage. About 20% of you wanted to see that group of teenage gang rapist-pornographers castrated and/or sentenced to death.
  • Jez has a nose for white lies and falsehoods: almost half of you believe Tyra banks is lying when she says she's never had plastic surgery.
  • Nearly 60% of you expect you'll vote for Hillary, but half of that 60% admit it would only to be to get Bill back and make it stop.
  • Because a mere 7.2% of you wanted Bush to be our president in 2004, and that number has not gotten higher since.

  The Jezebel lifestyle is definitely something to aspire to.

  • Over 50% of you think you're to old to have an abortion when your eggs are too old to hock on the black market .
  • And once born, of you think three or maybe four is too old to be carrying around a kid.
  • 81% of you think Michael Lohan is a better parenting role model than the "White Oprah."
  • You're highbrow about your media consumption: 64% of you prefer Tina Fey's comedic gems to Kim Kardashian's gem of an ass, and basically all of you would rather read anything than Teen Vogue.
  • And finally, definitely all of you drink too much. What a segue! Go do that now!

  So anyway, there you have it — a brief glimpse into the heart, soul and boy-panties of your garden-variety Jezebel. She's an HPV-havin', Tyra-disbelievin', bleeding-heart slob who chronically masturbates to fantasies of Clive Owen, and we wouldn't have her any other way.

UPDATE: We totally fucked up this item before. We are sorry. We suck today. Also: we hate the world, especially men, and in particular this guy, whose right to jerk off we were just defending until we read the story more thoroughly and decided he was a creepy perv who was probably trying to shoot it into the poor prison guard's eye. Yeah, we just CHANGED OUR MINDS. We're ladies. Fuck you.

We decided to keep yesterday's art because we have the maturity of a 12-year-old and we're not afraid to own up to that.

Inmate Found Guilty In Masturbation Trial [Miami Herald]
Related: Do You Love Your Neighbor As You're Loving Yourself?