In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

(Click to enlarge.)

Representatives from the City Council met with the N.Y.P.D. and the Metropolitan Transportation Authority in order to address the issue of sexual harassment and assault, which James P. Hall, chief of the Police Department's Transit Bureau, describes as the "No. 1 quality of life offense on the subway." Hall reports that as of November 15th, there had already been 587 reports of sex offenses on the subway, but he believes this number does not accurately reflect the disturbingly commonplace nature of this type of public harassment. "we strongly suspect this is a highly under-reported crime," he said.

Earlier this year, Sadie delved deep into the complicated issue of Someone Masturbating Against Me In A Crowded Subway (or, to make things more simple, SMAMIACA). Judging from her experience, the hundreds of comments, and my own uncomfortable trolley ride a couple of weeks ago, I'm going to go ahead and agree with Hall: This happens way more often than police reports reflect. But the NYPD is trying to do something about it: Hall describes a campaign that has been in place since 2006, aptly titled Operation Exposure, in which cops go undercover to bust subway creepers. They've also developed a protocol for receiving cell phone pictures from victims, which sounds like it could be a very effective way of catching the men (because it is usually men) who do this.

Police also seem to have a pretty good idea of the kind of guy they're looking for, the City Room reports:

The police have arrested 412 people for sex offenses in the subway so far this year. Of the 412, 71 had committed prior sexual offenses and 14 were registered sex offenders. Five of the 14 were the most serious level of sex offender, Level 3.

The average perpetrator is a 39-year-old male, while the vast majority of victims are females over 17 years old. "It's a crime that goes more to a middle-aged individual," Chief Hall said. In contrast, other crimes in the subway generally involve younger men, from 17 to 25 years old, he said.

The fact that 17% of the men arrested for subway harassment were already known sex offenders is downright scary. And given the many, many cases that are never reported, much less result in arrest, the real number is no doubt much higher.

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority has decided to focus on PSAs that encourage women to speak up about inappropriate behavior on the subway. Unfortunately, they only run the poster campaigns for a few months at a time. And, as Sadie noted, one of the biggest problems with subway harassment is the ambiguity of the thing. It is difficult to muster up the courage to report something when you're not even sure if it really happened, which is why I'm standing in support of Councilman Peter F. Vallone's idea: posting a "wall of shame" for convicted offenders. Although it's by no means a perfect solution (and, it should be added, not one that authorities have decided to adopt) the emphasis is finally on the right person: the perpetrator. Because the question shouldn't just be how do we get more victims to report it but how can we get men to stop?

Sexual Harassment Is 'No. 1 Quality Of Life Offense On Subway,' Police Say [NYT City Room]

Earlier: When You're Not Sure If Someone Is Masturbating Against You In A Crowded Subway

• A new report reveals a steep climb in the number of women smoking roll-up cigarettes. The Times mentions famous smokers Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham-Carter as forerunners of the new trend. •  According to a study funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health and the Boston Obesity Nutrition Research Center, every one point increase in a woman's B.M.I. decreases her chances of surviving until age 70 by 12%. The study examined more than 17,000 female nurses over the course of 30 years. • A California woman has settled her lawsuit with the doctors who refused to artificially inseminate her due to her sexual orientation. She says the the doctors treated her with hormones, but refused to inseminate her, saying that their beliefs prevented them from doing so. • A Philadelphia Eagles fan says she was refused entrance into the stadium on Sunday because she was wearing a T-shirt that read "Losers fight pitbulls." The security guards told her she would not be allowed in unless she turned her Michael Vick-hating tee inside out. • Bassist/composer Meshell Ndegeocello on her new album, Devil's Halo: "I love the myth of the devil: the fallen angel who became jealous. So the symbolism of the Devil's Halo for me is that there are gray areas in music and life." •  A Chicago auto dealership is accused of sexual harassment after its salesmen allegedly made abusive remarks to female workers and called female customers "dingbats." • Jennie Litvack, goddaughter to jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie, talks to NPR about her relationship with Dizzy and her role as the shofar-blower for her synagogue. •  A 10-year-old British girl recently put her grandma up for auction on eBay. She started the bidding at 99p, and described her grandmother as "annoying and moaning a lot." Although there were quite a few offers, eBay removed the ad, saying "obviously, we have rules about the selling of people." •  A North Carolina man is accused of circumcising two of his sons at home with no anesthetic, and beating their mother when she tried to protect one of them. This model family man apparently has two wives and 14 children. • The Broadway production of David Mamet's "Oleanna" — about a professor accused of sexual harassment — will be accompanied by a talkback session with Anucha Browne Sanders, who sued the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden for sexual harassment in 2007. Also on tap for a talkback: Montel Williams. • A photograph showing naked, 10-year-old Brooke Shields (originally taken, disturbingly, for the Playboy publication Sugar n' Spice), has been removed from a Tate Modern exhibition because British police say it could violate obscenity laws. • Joe Biden says the passage of the Violence Against Women Act, which he sponsored 15 years ago, was "his proudest accomplishment," and that the next step is to pass such a measure internationally. • A Kansas City judge has been accused of using foul language and masturbating while in the midst of a divorce hearing. Kimberly Ireland claims that Judge Kevin P. Moriarty asked her about her underwear and her sex life. Moriarty responded to Ireland's accusations by interfering with her divorce proceedings and launching an investigation into her private life. • 

First off, Blue admits that a lot of porn is just really bad, as in: too lame, too campy or too cheesy. She says:

For me, the real problem with most porn is its hokeyness — the ridiculous costumes, the awful cinematography, the ludicrous story lines, the terrible acting (not to mention how scary the close-ups sometimes look, how fake the boobs are, how some starlets really sound like injured animals...).

Though, for some people, those things aren't a turn-off, for plenty of people, they probably are.

Blue also says that some people compare themselves unfavorably to the porn stars on-screen.

And yet in my research and experience, the biggest roadblock for women (and men) to enjoying explicit imagery is the fear that they don't "stack up" to the bodies and abilities of the people onscreen. Erotic models and actresses bring up a whole range of adequacy issues, from breast size to weight, from what you look like "down there" to the adult acne we all periodically fight.

Many of us recognize that seeing images of thin models and actresses can make us more insecure about our own bodies. But with pornography, which involves explicit, sexual nudity of women often surgically enhanced to fulfill some unattainable ideal of female attractiveness - and participating in the portrayal of an act that many women have issues with already - personal discomfort can be taken to a whole other level. Pornography plays into the false idea that to be sexually attractive to men, or good in bed, there are certain things women have to do, be, look like, act like or enjoy, whether or not we actually can, are, look like, act like or enjoy those things.

Blue also takes note (although not by name) of Canadian scientist Meredith Chivers' research showing that women exhibit physical arousal by sexual imagery even when they consciously report not feeling it. From this research, Blue draws a relatively logical conclusion.

But that's the hitch: Even when our bodies respond to what we're seeing, not every woman feels empowered to enjoy the show. For years we've been told that we won't — or shouldn't — be turned on by porn, end of story, sleep tight.

The message has come from all sides — from conservative Christian organizations ("Traditionally, women are far more likely to engage in wistful, romantic fantasies than crude scenes of people engaging in sexual acts," Kathy Gallagher, cofounder of Pure Life Ministries, has written) to the radical feminist Catharine MacKinnon (who says porn exploits and discriminates against women, and encourages rape).

When everyone tells you that what you might be curious about, or even secretly like, is wrong, bad, sleazy, and shameful, you don't have to cast a line very far to land a set of inhibitions.

While not exactly the conclusion Chivers draws from her research (though reporting bias undoubtedly plays a role), there's little doubt that the social messages one gets about porn would influence our desire to watch it, or inhibit our ability to enjoy it.

Blue also acknowledges those feminists among us who worry about issues of objectification, sexualization and exploitation.

I've also heard, plenty of times, that porn degrades women. That argument always makes me wonder about gay male porn, which lots of women appreciate for all its hunky hotties in flagrante. If heterosexual porn degrades women, does gay porn degrade men? What about porn made by women — is that degrading, too?

I think here, actually, many anti-porn feminists would say yes, in fact, porn in general is degrading to women because the actresses allow themselves to be objectified. Speaking for myself, I have difficulty with these arguments because, as Blue implies, it denies agency to the (female) performers and judges their actions based on how other people view them. If porn performers are exhibitionists and enjoying performing sex acts for the benefit of others because they enjoy being seen, then I'm hard pressed to say they're degrading themselves. If the problem is with the way our society views women's bodies, then eliminating porn and sex work won't change that (and, frankly, with exhibitionists and voyeurs in the world, changing the kyriarchy won't eliminate the existence of pornography as much as change its structure).

Blue says that women should view porn as just another sex toy in their arsenal — a visual vibrator, so to speak.

Explicit sexual imagery is an aphrodisiac; it sends a direct current buzzing from our brains to our groins. Like a reliable vibrator, it can be a great tool. With porn, women like me get to experiment with making adult choices and trying on new fantasy ideas, just as we might try a different brand of condom for a change.

She recommends utilizing porn made specifically by or for women, in settings that respect performers' boundaries and make use of people of varying (and non-surgically-designed) body types — which certainly requires more research than surfing porn sites when you're horny normally entails.

Are More Women OK With Watching Porn? [O Magazine]

Related: Word of the Day: Kyriarchy [Feminist Philosophers]

Earlier: What Women Want? To Talk About What Women Want

Saletan (no, that is not him at left) knows that God struck down Onan for spilling his seed upon the sand instead of his wife, and every Christian faith strictly forbids masturbation as a sexual act not involved in reproduction. But in between spank-the-monkey sessions, Saletan found this study by Australian scientist David Greening, which suggests that daily ejaculation can reduce the number of damaged sperm and improve sperm motility, both of which are key to conception.

Now, some men will (and have) say that this news means men should tell their wives to put out more — you know, the Dennis Prager school of "thought." But, as I said, Saletan's a more reasonable guy.

If your wife is available, and she's game for sex every night, great. But what if she's tired, sore, or not in the mood? What if you have to work late, and she has to go to sleep? What if one of you is out of town? What if your son can't sleep and needs to be with Mommy? Or what if medical advice to have daily sex stresses her out? From a fertility standpoint, says one expert, that kind of pressure "may add even more anxiety and do more harm than good."

However, he says, there is another way for men to improve their sperm without relying on a woman...

Saletan argues that if he's one is only masturbating in service to God's will — getting someone pregnant — and not just because it feels good, the Pope should be fine with it because then masturbation is strictly in service to reproduction.

The Catechism defines masturbation as "the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure." But if stimulating your organs promotes fertility and family formation-the "procreative and unitive purposes" of sexual pleasure, as stipulated by the Church-is it OK to enjoy it? By my reading, the answer is yes.

Saletan believes the Catholic Church should thus sign off on male masturbation (not female, of course, as that serves no reproductive purpose) so he can sleep easy, knowing that his private practices have been cleared by some old guy in Rome.

Wank Thyself [Slate]

Related: Frequent Ejaculation Improves Sperm Quality [Cosmos]

Earlier: Conservative Dennis Prager Knows It's Not Rape If His Wife "Submits"
Dennis Prager Still Thinks Women Should Just Give It Up Already

[Image via candid]

Note: I speak for myself on that last point. Cooper has intercut footage of his subjects - Lindsay, Benjamin, Kristin, Rafi, Genevieve, and Theodore - talking about pornography with, well, if not quite actual pornography, something approximating it. Or perhaps I should say, his film can be seen as an exercise through which to discuss what exactly "porn" is: I have no doubt that, for many, bearing witness to the facial expressions and reactions of people masturbating while they look straight into the videocamera is far more intimate and less arousing than any of the images these young people are getting off on.

With the exception of one participant, 47-year-old Theodore, the film is also a document of a particular segment of American and English youth, many of whom are so familiar with the genres and lingo of contemporary porn - and their own sexual psychologies - that they put some of us older folk to shame. (Also: speaking for myself here.) Of course, this might also explain why they were willing to be filmed in the first place. The clip is below; thoughts, in the comments.

Video: Robbie Cooper: Sex, Sighs & Videotape [Wallpaper]

Earlier: Up Close & Personal: Wallpaper's Safe For Work Porn Portraits Reach A Thrilling Climax

(Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode Rich, Susie, and I answer questions about asexuals, diaper fantasies, and inverted nipples. Got a question? Send it to potpsych@jezebel.com. (Or send us your phone number! We wanna talk.)

How Should I Talk To My Daughter About Masturbation? from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Well, and sex, if you happen to not be single. Forbes reporter Christopher Varmus dove deep into the world of sexual aids to bring us the unsurprising news that companies that help you go fuck yourself just the way your (soon to be) former employer told you to aren't doing too badly!

Part of the reason, Varmus says:

When it comes to marketing sexual aids, one person's vibrator is another's "personal massager."

A case in point is the pictured "Form 6" from sex toy manufacturer Jimmy Jane — which you can buy at your local Bed Bath and Beyond, if you happen to have $200 to spare (and, having been sent one to try out, it is totally worth it). There's also electronics manufacturer Phillips, which is trying to steal a page (if not a chunkier ride) from Hitachi's Magic Wand by introducing its Intimate Massagers to European consumers looking to increase intimacy through "massage" (though they're careful not to mention the clitoris on their website). Sex toy manufacturer Adam and Eve sells their wares are "personal massagers" at CVS, while competitor Liberator hawks theirs at Walgreens (and in the pages of AARP's magazine).

Basically, vibrators are getting cheaper, more widely available, less penis-shaped and — as Tracie hoped — more socially acceptable. So, once the economy has had a run at you, have a go at yourself. You're going to have plenty of free time anyway.

Sex And Recession [Forbes]

Related: Form 6 [Jimmy Janes]
Intimate Massagers [Phillips]

Earlier: American Apparel to Sell Hitachi Magic Wand

How Can I Prevent Queefing During Sex? from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

This is exactly why openly discussing our sex lives — especially with our girlfriends — is crucial; hearing about others' experiences is helpful in gauging our sexual health. This isn't to say that we should automatically think something is wrong if our sex lives don't measure up to that of our peers. But many sexual health problems stem from a discomfort with the topic, and the more we talk about sex and masturbation, the more comfortable we will be with the issue. Familiarity breeds orgasms!

Of course, this might be a generational thing. Pretty much every woman I know talks sex — and often. But we've grown up in a culture — with pop icon sex educators, Sex and the City, designer vibrators — that facilitates and encourages such discourse. According to the study, "The highest prevalence of sexual dysfunction was in older women, but they experienced less associated distress. The most distress occurred at mid-life." However, it also says that "the youngest women had the lowest prevalence of problems and of associated distress," which would indicate that we're still not 100% comfortable with our our bodies, and ourselves.

Almost Half of Women Have Sexual Problems [U.S. News & World Report]

Pink - "Sober"

Björk - "All Is Full of Love"

Tweet - "Oops"

Britney Spears - "Touch of My Hand"

I love myself
It’s not a sin
I can’t control what’s happenin’
‘Cause I just discovered
Imagination’s taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand

Tori Amos - "Icicle"

And when my hand touches myself,
I can finally rest my head.
And when they take from his body,
I think I'll take from mine instead,
Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs.

Divinyls - "I Touch Myself"

The Pussycat Dolls - "I Don't Need a Man"

I don’t need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don’t need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don’t need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain’t around

Madonna simulated masturbation during "Like a Virgin" on her Blonde Ambition tour.

Janet Jackson has like a million songs about sex, and I'm sure that a bunch of them include themes of masturbation, but the most popular is probably "If."

How many nights I've laid in bed excited over you
I've closed my eyes and thought of us,
A hundred different ways
I've gotten there so many times

And then of course there's Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop," but for some reason, it's not embeddable from YouTube. So you can watch it here.

MEGAN: It's morning again, and I'm finally awake enough to realize that I put my shirt on backwards when I went to bed last night... and I wasn't even intoxicated.

ANA MARIE: You put a shirt on to go to bed? lerjkewjr! Sorry that was my kind of clearing my throat. Typing- wise.

MEGAN: Otherwise my boobs get all wonky. Plus, I prefer my place kind of chilly and I haven't swapped in my winter bedclothes.

ANA MARIE: Ah, a nightshirt. I was somehow thinking you wore, like, a tux.

MEGAN: That would be kind of awesome, but I feel like the shirt studs would leave marks.

ANA MARIE: Should we talk about the news?

MEGAN: Anyway, so Tina Brown was just on Morning Joe looking kind of fabulous and speaking all British-y.

ANA MARIE: Yes, she sounds smart pretty much all the time. (Hi, Boss!)

MEGAN: Did you watch Arianna guest on Maddow last night?

ANA MARIE: I did. From the studio! Because I was on fake Countdown with fake Keith. I think maybe she and Cindy McCain have the same vocal coach.

MEGAN: A bit somnolent, right? The accent makes me want to get, like, cocoa. By a fire.

ANA MARIE: With that accent, I don't need cocoa. Mika just said "team of rivals" on Morning Joe. DRINK!

MEGAN: Damn it, the tequila is just out of reach! Tina Brown, though, sort of makes me want to learn to like whiskey, and I mean that as a compliment.

ANA MARIE: Hey, I have a question: WHY is Hillary considered a legitimate SecState nominee? Does she have some foreign policy experience I don't know about? I asked this of an MSNBC employee yesterday and she said, "Well, her husband..." and I was like, "If someone tried to give me a job because of my HUSBAND's resume, I would be embarrassed." I guess I might even make up some kind of story about Bosnian sniper fire! I mean, there's an argument that the President's job is big enough that foreign policy experience is just a PART of what you'd need to have. (Clearly, this was the American people's judgment.) But SecState? There's no other part of the job! Having worked on health care policy is kind of not relevant!

MEGAN: Well, but, frankly, what foreign policy (as opposed to defense) experience did Colin Powell have? Hell, what foreign policy experience do most of our ambassadors have? Clinton's nomination is, I think, a great deal about her international star power/prestige, etc. I think it's also about her supposed managerial ability, which, having tried to work with her Senate office and watched her campaign, I frankly question.

ANA MARIE: Then why not nominate Miley Cyrus? She is very popular and has not lied about being under sniper fire.

MEGAN: But it's no longer a nomination, didn't you hear? Only the story is probably completely false since no one else has been able to confirm it. Like, for real, people, The Guardian is the best source on this? I go back to: Hagel, Kerry, Grabbyhands, Nunn. And then you get Hillary Clinton.

ANA MARIE: Maybe this whole thing is a sideshow to make Kerry seem like a noble choice. Oh, and another thing? There are cabinet positions that Hillary would be qualified for: HHS, maybe even Defense (given her well-regarded service on the Armed Services Committee). But this whoopdedoo has probably scotched those. It's probably ruined her chances at State. To the extent it was ever real. I mean, seriously: Is this what the Obama administration is going to be like? Endless high octane pundit debates about things that won't happen?

MEGAN: I think the problem is that there isn't real news to talk about! It's the gossip season. Plus, at the point at which Chris Hitchens is drunkenly inveighing against you on TV, I'm sort of more pro-the idea, frankly. Plus, it would be nearly full employment for me.

ANA MARIE: Oh, and I love Christopher. I would be honored to be the subject of his inebriated inveighings. He should auction that shit off.

MEGAN: MEGAN: But does he need the money? Also, can we just mention, the music that is playing on Morning Joe: "North American Scum."

ANA MARIE: They have pretty good taste in music. There's a very disappointing relationship between taste in bumper music and shows themselves. Proof: You know who has GREAT bumper music? Laura Ingraham. I see that the New York Times is selling copies of its Nov 5 edition for $15. The print media industry is saved! We will borrow the Franklin Mint business model and print WEEKS-OLD NEWS!

MEGAN: And you know that the New York Times will totally make bank on that. I do not understand the people that collect that sort of stuff, but, then, I have moved around a lot in my life.

ANA MARIE: You have a life, maybe?

MEGAN: No, that's not true at all. I'm just too lazy to haul shit.

ANA MARIE: We're going to be LIVING THROUGH the Obama administration. That sort of is my idea of keepsake. That, and the policies he'll enact. Who told the entire MSNBC hosting staff they could go on vacation this week?

MEGAN: What in particular are you keen to see him do? After listening to Mika inveigh against the auto bailout, I now know what she really, really doesn't want.

ANA MARIE: My wishlist for his honeymoon period? Election reform — while it's fresh on everyone's minds — to include making election day a national holiday and some kind of reform to registration so that fake registrations don't slow down legit new voters. Statehood for DC (with the Utah congressional addition off set). Exec orders on torture and Gitmo. Card check.

MEGAN: Oh, see, I sort of hate card check. But I'm on board with the rest of it.

ANA MARIE: AND GET THE PUPPY ALREADY! Why? Oh, and gays in the military! More gays! He could executive order that shit.

MEGAN: Yes, an end to don't ask, don't tell! That would be awesome. On card check, I don't like the elimination of secret balloting. I don't know how that helps. But, then, my parents are required to belong to unions that have variously screwed over our family over the years, so I'm not exactly like "Woo, unions."

ANA MARIE: You've been listening to right wing radio or something. The American workplace is not a pure and formal democracy, and employers have never had much respect for the secret ballot when it came to unions in the past. Not that unions are all good either.

MEGAN: Yeah, well, how does card check help is my point? It fixes the management sins of 40 years ago? But, yeah, I remember when my dads union decided to flex their muscles for no sake other than flexing their muscles against management and my family went without health insurance for a while. Their families didn't, of course, since they were not covered by the same health insurance as us since they weren't actual employees of the organization. And we never got it back retroactive, either. But, hey, they showed management! Something. Yeah, I hold grudges.

ANA MARIE: Speaking of pointless flexing of muscles: I think Lieberman will not get much more than a wrist slap.

MEGAN: Ooh, I'm sure he's so scared at the loss of his subcommittee chairmanship. I can't believe that Jon Tester is defending him on MSNBC right now. How is fucking Tester scared of Jowls McGee?

ANA MARIE: Nice moment though: Jon Tester just started to say "Joe was wro— DIFFERENT on the war." I think we can say "wrong" now.

MEGAN: I think we could have said "wrong" then, That's on my list of stuff I'm looking forward to seeing change in an Obama Administration. I also want a full-on, prisoner-less, compromise-minimized 1984-style tax reform.

ANA MARIE: I don't think Tester or anyone is scared of Jowly Joe. I think this is an attempt to extend the "no drama" policy to the Hill. An attempt that will ultimately be unsuccessful but I admire the effort.

MEGAN: The point of the legislative branch is fucking "drama," so I just wonder when they forgot it.

ANA MARIE: And, yes, I think there will be drama to spare. No thanks to sleepwalkers like Mark Warner, but I have faith in, you know, McCain.

MEGAN: Well, and let's not forget Max Baucus is running around with his own health care reform bill when Kennedy is promising his next year.

ANA MARIE: There you go. DRAMA! COMPETING HEALTH CARE BILL! I think we have the solution to reviving Heroes!

MEGAN: Well, and this is why everyone is focusing on speculating about the Cabinet and Hillary Clinton: everything else is just Nerd Drama. Like, woo David Frum is leaving the National Review?

ANA MARIE: So does that mean we can we talk about the new Star Trek movie?

MEGAN: I am so worried it will suck. For my dad's sake, of course.

ANA MARIE: Oh, and Frum is leaving to start some new "solo web project," by which he means, of course: porn.

MEGAN: But PORN WITH OTHER PEOPLE!! PORN WITH OTHER PEOPLE!! Please don't make me cry.

ANA MARIE: Hey, he's the one talking "solo."

MEGAN: And now my brain needs another bleaching, as, inevitably, I imagine David Frum jerking off on a web cam. This is why I wasn't reading his NRO columns, to avoid that mental picture!

ANA MARIE: I am clearly not the person you should be talking to first thing in the morning. I'm sorry. Tomorrow's mental images will be based on the Shiba puppy cam.

MEGAN: Yay puppies! Honestly, my preference in the morning is to grumpily drink my coffee while mentally cursing the supposed need to arise before 10:00 regardless. So, it's not you, it's me.

ANA MARIE: Well as long as I have someone to watch Morning Joe with I'm good.

I mean, why is it that the mental image I have of a guy who utilizes sex toys is someone kind of creepy? Is this fleshlight any stranger-looking than a rabbit, really? Why is it that I am fine with a guy jerking off with his hands, but if he's jerking off in something I'm vaguely disturbed? Why is it not remotely strange to me that men would buy things to shove up their butts — or to have their partners shove up their butts — but, still, looking at this picture of something the would stick their dicks in, some reptilian part of my brain goes "Ewww."? Even the author of the article, Tanya Gold, admits to masturbating with mechanical aids, but seems to find male sex toys — from the pocket pussies to the pussy-in-a-jar devices to the blow-up and real dolls — disturbing in their appearance and what they say about the men who utilize them.

So, is a pocket pussy sexist? Does it represent some sort of objectification of women in a way that a vibrator doesn't — or that masturbating generally doesn't? I have to admit, it isn't. I think part of my discomfort (or our discomfort) with the men who use such devices stems from a fear that the stereotype that men regard us as little more than convenient, comfortable orifices could actually be true for many of them. But I also know, from experience, that the stereotype isn't true for the kinds of men worth sleeping with, regardless of how they choose to masturbate — sex can be as intimate and connecting an experience for men as it is for women. For most men, jerking off in a plastic tube isn't going to be any more of a replacement for sex with a partner than masturbating is — and if your partner would rather masturbate than ever have sex with you, it's not the fault of the tube, but him.

Guys And Dolls: A Revealing Look At Men's Sex Toys [The Independent]

SPENCER: So should we go forward with Crappy Hour or can you tell Anna that the seriousness of the financial crisis merits a suspension of the feature?

MEGAN: Oh, sure, I mean, you and I really need to get up in the Hill this morning and involve ourselves in negotiations for the bailout package that we've been heretofore uninvolved in, because our presence and our presence alone will resolve the 3 days of negotiations. It'll just take a few days. She'll understand. It's a crisis after all. And totally unlike the mortgage crisis that spawned legislation that we ignored a couple of months ago. This one is important.

SPENCER: Country First, goddammit.

MEGAN: This is not a time for partisan politics!

SPENCER: I think in 42 days, we're going to look back on this as the day McCain lost the election. A more massively unforced error I cannot imagine.

MEGAN: I guess it depends on whether you're Steve Schmidt and think that debating Obama on Friday (or having Palin debate Biden next week) would be a bigger error.

SPENCER: While I was watching Bush's speech last night, a whole other dimension of error occurred to me: why does it benefit McCain to go meet with the least popular president in history, the one whose legacy McCain has to distance himself from?

MEGAN: The only thing I can think is what some Republipundit said last night, which is that it forces Obama to interact positively with Bush, inoculating McCain to a degree, and it might allow McCain to call a shitty bailout bill a "Bush-Obama" bill. If that's the actual thinking — if there is actual thinking involved in this decision — then kudos.

SPENCER: No, that doesn't match the timeline. Remember, at 8:30 a.m. yesterday, Obama called McCain and proposed a joint statement. McCain responded affirmatively around 2ish, and then an hour later announced this no-debate stunt. The likeliest explanation is that McCain huddled with Davis and Schmidt and thought about how to throw the ball further downfield. But here they miscalculated almost completely: SurveyUSA found only 10 percent think the debate should be put off.

MEGAN: Well, at least Schmidt and Davis managed to find some people in the tank for them.

SPENCER: I guess the Bush thing could have been trying to bind Obama, but he can't turn down a presidential invite, and could just as easily put out a release as tepid as... the joint statement he did with McCain.

MEGAN: According to Obama, though, McCain brought it up at the 2:30 conference call and Obama said, let's have our people discuss it when they're talking about the joint statement. So it was on McCain's mind before. But, yeah, they were in the midst of negotiating that statement when McCain made his announcement. So, it's unsurprising that the statement is tepid.

SPENCER: Meanwhile McCain looks like a complete pussy. He's too chickenshit to debate Obama — dude, al-Qaeda bombed the fucking USS Cole in October 2000 and Bush and Gore still debated! — and now looks like a supplicant to Bush. One unforced error on top of another.

MEGAN: Oooh, nice catch on the USS Cole. Also, I'd like to point out the absurdity of the idea that Congress will be negotiating this at 9:00 on Friday night.

SPENCER: Here's another unforced error! If you're suspending the campaign, don't send out talking points on suspending the campaign! Sorry to make you open a PDF.

MEGAN: I love how we can fix the economy by the time the markets open on Monday with legislation. Presto-chango! It's fixed!

SPENCER: We don't even really need to comment on the transparent foolishness of this stunt. Within 30 minutes the bigfoot journalists on secret listservs I'm on digested it and became immediately appalled. It's a waste of time to even treat the idea seriously.

MEGAN: Dude, I started laughing hysterically when I heard. Like, it might have been the 3 cups of coffee, but I was wiping away tears listening to it, I was laughing that hard.

SPENCER: The only right-wing journalists still shilling for this are at the Weekly Standard. Even NRO readers aren't buying the dog food. Look at what Bill Kristol wrote:

As for the question of Friday night's debate, which some in the media seem to think more important than saving the financial system—if the negotiations are still going on in D.C., McCain should offer to send Palin to debate Obama! Or he can take a break from the meetings, fly down at the last minute himself, and turn a boring foreign policy debate, in which he and Obama would repeat well-rehearsed arguments, into a discussion about leadership and decisiveness. And if the negotiations are clearly on a path to success, then McCain can say he can now afford to leave D.C., fly down, and the debate would become a victory lap for McCain.

I read that and thought of the scene in Boogie Nights when a coked-out Dirk Diggler tries desperately to get erect, tears rolling down his face, talking to his cock like "come on... come on..."

MEGAN: Um, I can't believe you just made me think about Bill Kristol's cock just there. I love this part, though, Country First my ass.

Of course his motives were partly election-related. But "the interest of the man must be connected with the constitutional rights of the place."

McCain is America! America is McCain! What's right for him is right for everyone! Quick, everyone swap spouses! Call your wife a cunt!

SPENCER: I call Kim Kagan. I will sex her up like Color Me Badd.

MEGAN: Will you give her your dick in a boxx?

SPENCER: Ohhh, maybe Noemie Emery. I hear she crazy. Like, files-her-pieces-on-legal-legal-paper crazy.

MEGAN: Oh, her poor interns.

SPENCER: Should probably record a take-off on a Biggie song. "Dreams (Of Fucking A Right-Wing Bitch)." Noemie, I'm just playing! ... I'm saying!

MEGAN: Man, I think we could totally make a YouTube video out of that.

SPENCER: Back to McCain. (Yo, Meghan, don't take me seriously girl. I know you're reading. Don't mind what I say about your dad. Hit me up. 281-330-8004. My girlfriend doesn't have to know.)

MEGAN: Hey, look, Cynthia McKinney, Bob Barr and Ralph Nader are offering their services. I think that should be McCain's punishment if he bails on Friday. He should have to debate them, and Obama gets a night to himself.

SPENCER: How does McCain dig himself out of this? The debate is clearly going to happen tomorrow.

MEGAN: If it doesn't, he's cost the taxpayers of Mississippi $5 million for his little stunt. Oh, how do you like your low-spending Republicans now, Red State Mississippi? At least Obama gives a shit about how he spends your money.

SPENCER: He's going to have to slink down to Mississippi, backtracking on all this, an object of total ridicule for Obama. And McCain's temper cannot handle ridicule.

MEGAN: Yeah, I don't think him showing up tomorrow is going to be some big victory lap around Ole Miss, Bill Kristol's masturbatory epistles aside.

SPENCER: I'm kind of expecting Nancy Phflorfhfthflhflfhthloger to put out a statement about how McCain spent FIVE AND A HALF YEARS not being able to debate anyone.

MEGAN: He was just doing what he always does! Like with the Surge, he was doing what he thought was right, electoral consequences be damned!! Nancy Pfuckingsucks actually said that yesterday.

SPENCER: No! She did????

MEGAN: Yes, I heard it on MSNBC, but I was already laughing so hard I couldn't laugh any harder.

SPENCER: Republican pollster Scott Rasmussen has Obama up two points in... North Carolina. End times! This guy is fucked. He just lost the election. McCain better pray for a terrorist attack or some shit.

MEGAN: I think he already masturbates to that. I don't think you can pray one-handed.

While Stein uses webcam performers and porn actresses at his studios in New York and L.A., he had this to say about his studios in the Dominican Republic:

"We also have one down in the Dominican Republic, where they have lots of problems with sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS. We think it's a good idea to go to these countries where we can pull the girls off the street, give them a safe place to come work, where they don't have to interact with people on a one-on-one basis, but can do it virtually."

It's one thing to watch porn knowing that the women and men involved have made their choice to be in it. It's another thing to watch porn starring female sex workers (or women avoiding prostitution) from a developing nation with few economic opportunities for women that might or might not be avoiding prostitution for fear of contracting HIV or because they already have. It seems 10 times more exploitative, and then given the probability that Stein isn't paying them as much as his U.S.-based performers (despite charging the same to his customers) ratchets that exploitative feeling up another few notches.

Anyway, in the end, I'm not sure that Stein's business model is that much different than the average webcam business model, except that the consumer need not type coherently one-handed under Stein's plan. As far as Stein's concerned, that makes him an "orgasm broker." Luckily for me, my orgasms aren't a commodity and they and the ones I happily to give to other people of my choosing aren't monetized — and, even better, I don't need a matchmaker for my G-spot.

Interview With an Orgasm Broker [Village Voice]

"Why Are Lesbians Always Fatter Than Straight Women?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

"Is Believing In Creationism Grounds For A Breakup?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.