Why would I buy a candy bar that a.) implies that my chocolate-eating is something sinful and shameful that I shouldn't do, and b.) is made to be low fat, low-cal, etc - if I'm going to eat chocolate, I'm going to eat real chocolate, duh.
Also, ingesting that much mica cannot be good for my feminine, pink, delicate lady-intestines.
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
Business wise, this is a really huge market right now. They are trying to sell the concept of "affordable luxuries." You might not be willing to drop hundreds on shoes anymore, but you might be willing to throw a couple bucks down on a "fancy" chocolate bar. That's the mentality they are working with, anyway.
I'm sorry, stupid candymakers, but I wouldn't even buy this sarcastically. Because putting my dollars into such a stupid, offensive product might give you ideas and you'll make more stupid crap like this. Like a food additive that comes in a handy purse-sized shaker that makes my food glittery and thus more appealing to my feminine palate. Or some such stupid, stupid, ass-thinking product that I'd never in ten million years ever even think about purchasing.
"Fling" is an entirely inappropriate word to describe my relationship with chocolate. Given current legislature it could best be described as a civil union.
Thank God the world is getting so woman friendly. All my decisions are made for me! Now if only someone would make a pink aspirin. The only medicine I'm able to take now is Pepto Bismol.
When did marketers get together and decide that women must only respond to the color pink? If i see another product/show marketed to women in pink wrappers/writing i'll scream. Sheesh
@LaComtesse: Magnum bars are delicious: rich vanilla ice-cream covered in delectable chocolate. I could lick them all day, I just love getting that creamy white stuff inside me and all over my face...
@LaComtesse: You can get Magnum ice cream bars in Mexico and they are delicious, no lie. Beats the pants off Dove and such because it contains, like, actual vanilla and actual chocolate.
@LaComtesse: You can get Magnum bars in Israel too! That's the only place I've ever had them, actually... They're delicious. As is a lot of Israeli candy.
I was kind of surprised to see that this was from Mars. I guess I expected it to be from some crappy candy start-up, desperate to draw attention to itself.
Thank god this is finally here. I just really really hate buying, using, consuming, or looking at anything that's not pink. Other colors are for yucky boys! Does anyone know of a way to dye my poop pink?
05/18/09
Also good: those not-for-girls- blue-wrapped chocolate bars in London. Or the purple-wrapped ones with raisins...YUM!
05/18/09
Also, ingesting that much mica cannot be good for my feminine, pink, delicate lady-intestines.
05/18/09
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
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Stupids!!
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Oh, wait. Oh god, that's disgusting!
(But Magnum bars are delicious, though.)
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I'm thinking you should try an anal plug made of cotton candy.
05/18/09
Just eat beets and tons of bubble gum. That ought to fix that right quick.
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