Jezebel: Marriage

Having A Gay Husband Is Kind Of…Queer

Slut Machine — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:00:00 EDT

Last night, BBC America aired the documentary My Husband Is Gay. I thought it would be about straight women and gay men who make the choice to get married and start a family together, kinda like that Next Best Thing movie. But it was actually about women who married men who were pretending to be or believed at one time that they were straight. Anyway, most of the couples split amicably, but one couple, Sam and Dave, decided to create a marriage on their own terms, in which they raise their daughters and live as man and wife in every aspect — even still share a bed — except sexually. You know, to each his own, but I came away from it thinking that Sam was settling for a raw deal, since Dave is going out having gay weekends in Brighton, and she's at home with the kids and celibate. Clip above.

What If Love & Marriage Do Not Go Together Like A Horse & Carriage?

Jessica — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:00:00 EDT

Me and my old man have been together for over three years now; we've been living together since March, 2007. Which is why this article by my buddy and coconspirator Doree Shafrir in this week's Observer hit sometimes uncomfortably close to home. It's a musing of sorts on longterm relationships and cohabitation and why people get married or why they don't. Doree describes a cocktail party where she runs into an old friend. "When we started talking, the topic of my boyfriend came up, and then it came up that we were living together, and then Max looked at my left hand and said, 'Oh, I was just checking to see if you had a ring. But you guys aren’t engaged?' This was a question-statement." She managed to capture perfectly the profound ambivalence of relationship status; even when you're happily ensconced in something serious, there's often internal and external pressures that make you question your choices.

Some random acquaintance, like in Doree's piece, gets married after dating someone for a year, and you wonder why you're not married yet. You see your friends who got married and divorced before the age of 25 and were smugly happy that you didn't meet the same fate. You look at the sorority girls you knew who got married young and feel some combination of pity/contempt/envy and then feel bad about yourself for comparing your relationship, which is pure and true and good, to some false idea of what your relationship should be. But, as Doree points out, once you're deeply involved with someone, the niggling question you can't always ignore is "how do you know?" I have no fucking idea. Any guesses?

This Is When You Know [Observer]

Male-Ordered Brides

Maria — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:30:00 EDT

The growing number of abused and distressed foreign brides in South Korea has led the government to earmark $23 million to create some order within the marriage broker business. Many foreign brides are found in poorer Asian countries like Vietnam, China, and the Philippines and are brought to South Korean men seeking wives through marriage broker companies (for a cool sum of $15,000). Some of these companies encourage the men to lie about their status and wealth and are often married to the foreign women within a few days of meeting them. The result? Foreign wives who are abused by their husbands over cultural and language barriers and women who get pissed when they realize their wealthy restaurant-owner husband is actually a waiter. [Reuters]

New York Writer Would Really Like To Screw Around On His Wife

Jessica — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Philip Weiss really wants to fuck tattooed 20-something waitresses. The problem is, he's married. He decided to write a several-thousand word story for New York full of anecdotal evidence, pseudo-science, and cautionary tales meant to explore why marriage has never quelled his desire for firm, unknown flesh. When I first read it I was furious — mostly because Weiss expects sympathy for his "condition." He begins the essay by saying 'When the Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March, I had only sympathy for him: another middle-aged married guy tormented by his sexual needs. I’m 52 and have always struggled with the desire for sexual variety." He goes on to plead for a more open society, one in which it is not seen as morally suspect to have sex outside of marriage. And yeah, he says a lot of misogynistic things, including comparing all wives to Yoko Ono (which in addition to being sexist is soooo trite), but I couldn't even get that angry about it, because I was too depressed about the way he talks about marriage in general, and his marriage in particular.

Weiss writes:

Sitting in Schiller’s, I…suggested that we could change sexual norms to, say, encourage New York waitresses to look on being mistresses as a cool option. “That’s fringe,” my friend said dismissively. Wives weren’t going to allow it, and we men grant them a lot of power; they’re all as dominant as Yoko Ono. “Look, we’re the weaker animal,” he said. “They commandeer the situation.” He and I love our wives and depend on them. In each of our cases, they make our homes, manage our social calendar, bind up our wounds and finish our thoughts, and are stitched into our extended families more intimately than we are. They seem emotionally better equipped than we are. If my marriage broke up, my wife could easily move in with a sister. I’d be as lost as plankton.

Despite his potentially-wandering weiner, Weiss stays with his wife. Why? Because he's weak? Because she plans his vacations and deals with his mother? Perhaps I'm naive, but I'd like to think that most men stay with their wives because they have things in common with them; because they appreciate their human qualities. Not because their wives are their jail house wardens, keeping their free-floating sexuality under heavy lock and key. I don't have some romantic view of marriage: I don't think it will satisfy every urge and create a state of ecstasy populated by unicorns and sunflowers. But Weiss's description of his wife's role in his life is so ultimately mercenary.

I think some people will read this article and think all men feel the way Weiss does. As previously established, women think about fucking other people, too. I'm even willing to grant him the biology — that men are more tormented by their sex drives than women are. But even if that's the case, marriage is about compromise. And if the agreement you've made is to be faithful, then you need to compromise your desire to fuck other people. I'm sure Weiss's wife is currently compromising her desire to punch him directly in the nuts.

The Affairs Of Men [New York Magazine]

Earlier:Chronic Male Horniness Is Not An Excuse For, Well, Anything

Sexless Monk Marriage Appears To Verge On Giving World The Next "Virgin Birth"

Moe — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:30:00 EDT

Michael Roach and Christie McNally have sort of the opposite of an "open marriage": Never separated by more than fifteen feet...they do not fuck. They breathe in unison, thanks to all the yoga — "We are always inhaling at the same moment and we are always exhaling at the same moment," she says — but have apparently never tried to apply this skill to the simultaneous orgasm-thing the Cosmos are always talking about. They fell in love during a three-year silent meditation...but falling in love wasn't allowed, because they are Buddhist monks. So they plumbed the depths of their souls for a way to reconcile monastic emptiness and austerity with romance and...came up with an ingenious partnership whereby they do everything completely together, including reading books (one waits till the other is finished to flip the page!) and determining their "look" of the moment. ("He let his hair grow long like hers and became taut and lean in a way he was not before.") The story sort of leaves you wondering how he managed to Zen-ify his $100 million jewelry fortune, as do lines like this:

The couple also admit to a hands-on physical relationship that they describe as intense but chaste. Mr. Roach compares it to the relationship his mother had with her doctor when she was dying of breast cancer. "The surgeon lay his hand on her breast, but there wasn't any carnal thought in his mind," he said. "He was doing some life-or-death thing. For us it is the same."

Uh, yeah and the difference is your mom is not twenty years younger than you? [Full disclosure: Christie was a roommate of mine in college. -Ed.]

"He is a good guy and learned person, but the Bill Clinton question lingers over him," [prominent American Buddhist Lamya Surta Das] said of Mr. Roach. "He is with a much younger blond bombshell. What is a deep relationship that is not sexual? It is hard to understand."

Uh, "deeply sexually frustrated" is all I got. But hey, it's sort of nice how none of their fellow monks have tried to beat them to death or burn them at the stake or shit like that.

Buddhist Teachers Make Their Own Limits In A Spiritual Partnership [NY Times]

Can't Afford Your Dream Wedding? Take Out A Bridal Loan!

Jessica — Thu, 15 May 2008 12:00:00 EDT

April marks the fourth straight month of job losses in the United States, so what better way to cheer yourself up than to take out a massive wedding loan to finance the princess fantasy of your dreams! Those fuddy-duddy finance nerds at The Street want to rain on your wedding parade, though; they point out that taking out a wedding loan is a fucking terrible idea. "While getting a wedding loan may seem like a good way to bridge any shortfall a couple has, it's one of the biggest financial mistakes they can make," says writer Jeffery Strain. "There is nothing worse than starting off married life tens of thousands of dollars in debt, especially if student loans and other debt is also being brought into the marriage."

I thought maybe this "wedding loan trend" was something Strain came up with because he was under, erm, STRAIN to find a topic to write about, but then I Googled it and found that totally respectable lending institutions offer wedding loans for the financially foolish. But there's another way to finance your wedding without going through all the red tape of a bank loan! Take this email we received yesterday from a PR company:

Subject: STORY IDEA-Brides Want Cash, Not Blenders
In this poor economy, brides need cash to help pay for their weddings and honeymoons rather than blenders they'll have no use for. I can offer an interview with a bride who turned their bridal gift registry into a money market.

Next up: how to sell your children into white slavery for fun and profit!

Wedding Loans: Till Death Do You Owe [The Street]
Industrial Output Plunges in April [AP via NYT]

Former FLDS Member Who Took Down Warren Jeffs Appears On Oprah

Slut Machine — Wed, 14 May 2008 19:00:00 EDT

Elisa Wall's testimony — about how she was forced, at 14 years old, to marry her first cousin, and have nonconsensual sex with him — is what helped send Warren Jeffs, leader of the Mormon fundamentalist polygamist sect, to jail. Today she was on Oprah to talk about her experience. She described her upbringing and the lack of education she received, particularly about her own anatomy. Even though she begged to not marry her cousin at a young age, she was forced to go ahead with it, and was given no information about what would happen on her wedding night, explaining that she had thought beds were only used for sleeping, and that the entire experience of consummating her marriage was incredibly traumatic. Clip above.

Survey: Over 30% Of Moms Are Getting Some On The Side

Jessica — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:00:00 EDT

Most modern wives and mothers would fail this 1939 Marital rating scale that you guys can't stop sending us. The scale is broken into "merits" and "demerits"; the former include playing an instrument, putting the children to bed personally, and being religious, while the demerits involve wearing red nail polish, applying face cream "over-liberally", and flirting with other men in restaurants. According to a new survey from AOL and Cookie many of today's moms are doing a lot more than flirting with other men. In fact, 36% of women who took the survey say they've had an affair since becoming mothers. And although those affairs may be retaliatory — 46% of women suspect their husbands are screwing around — the survey isn't entirely bleak.

76% of American moms are still having sex 2-5 times a week, even with their babies bawling in the background. In addition, only 24% of women fantasize about fucking the delivery man. Slate's XX factor wonders if Cookie's upscale demographic is skewing the statistics towards cheating. Hanna Rosin describes the Marc Jacobs-obsessed six year olds featured in Cookie and posits, "A mom who sends her 6-year-old to school looking like an expensive hooker could certainly not be expected to put up with a little middle-aged husband paunch or to resist the come-on from the hot new Israeli gym teacher." Hahaha, what would the 1939 Marital Rating scale have to say about that?

1939 Marital Rating Scale For Wives [Boing Boing]
Are YOU Having An Affair? [Slate]
Sex And The American Mom Survey [AOL/Cookie]

Strict Rules In Saudi Arabia Render Romance Elusive, But Not Dead

Dodai — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:00:00 EDT

The New York Times has a series of articles on Love in Saudi Arabia. That's capital L "Love," the romantic kind of love as seen in movies and sung about in pop songs. The articles focus on Riyadh, which has strict Islamic laws. Women and men are severely segregated. Women are not allowed to be in a public place alone, without a man. Men are not allowed in malls because they may see women shopping. Women have only recently been able to drive; they are usually driven around the city in cars with tinted windows, attend girls-only schools and universities, and eat in "family" sections of restaurants, which are partitioned from the sections used by single males. But in a country where half of the population is under 25 years old, hormones and dreams are flourishing. So how do you fall in Love?

Love finds a way. The teenage girls interviewed for this story are sneaky and clever, as teenage girls are. Some dress up as men and visit men-only establishments. And while unmarried men and women may not speak to each other because Islam forbids a stranger to hear your voice, this is the era of Facebook and cell phones. Instant messaging and text messaging bring some young people together. Not everyone is comfortable with it, however. Sara al-Tukhaifi, 18, says: "One test is that if you're ashamed to tell your family something, then you know for sure it's wrong. For a while I had Facebook friends who were boys — I didn't e-mail with them or anything, but they asked me to "friend" them and so I did. But then I thought about my family and I took them off the list."

While there are penalties for being caught with an unrelated member of the opposite sex (arrest, flogging) — the worst is the dishonor that would be invoked. Explains Enad al-Mutairi, a 20-year-old police officer: "One of the most important Arab traditions is honor. If my sister goes in the street and someone assaults her, she won't be able to protect herself. The nature of men is that men are more rational. Women are not rational. With one or two or three words, a man can get what he wants from a woman. If I call someone and a girl answers, I have to apologize. It's a huge deal. It is a violation of the house." Enad's cousin, Nader al-Mutairi calls himself "a romantic person." He feels that the way things are set up in Saudi Arabia, "there is no romance." Yet his ring tone is a love song; he is engaged to Enad's sister and they text message each other. When she calls, or writes a message, his phone flashes "My Love" over two interlocked red hearts.

Meanwhile, the Times also interviews a 17-year-old girl named Shaden (seen veiled in the photo above). Her favorite DVD is Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet. "It's a bit like our society, I think," She says. "It's dignified, and a bit strict... When Darcy comes to Elizabeth and says 'I love you' — that's exactly the kind of love I want."

One has to wonder: In a country which offers young men very little in the way of entertainment — no movie theaters, few sports facilities and with shopping malls off-limits — couldn't Love be a worthwhile pastime? If only it were not so difficult to find? As one commenter on the Times blog noted, "[It] is dangerous... to have too many young men in their twenties who have too little to do. They become prey to ideologues of seventh-century political cults, and ultimately, willing cannon fodder." When you don't take Love for granted, when Love is all you need, can Love save the day?

Love On Girls' Side Of The Saudi Divide, Q&A: Love in Saudi Arabia, Young Saudis, Vexed And Entranced By Love's Rules, Love In Saudi Arabia (video) [NY Times]

"Chronic Male Horniness" Is Not An Excuse For, Well, Anything

Jessica — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Journalist Susannah Breslin keeps a website that we've mentioned here before, called 'Letters From Johns', on which she posts letters from dudes who frequent prostitutes. The most recent entry starts this way: "I've often heard women wonder why men with sexy wives or girlfriends would solicit prostitutes. The answer really is simple: Even Marilyn Monroe could get a little boring after a few years, and having sex with other women is fun. Just like skiing is fun, or eating chocolate cake, or playing a slot machine, or riding a roller coaster." It reminded me of an article I read on GQ's website yesterday, called Divorce: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac, where the author, Adam Sachs, is describing the demise of his marriage. His wife cheated on him, which came as a shock, because Sachs always figured, "I always thought I'd be the one who'd fuck it up."

And why did he think he'd be the one to ruin the marriage? "As a travel writer, I live an easy, pampered life. And like many without real cares, I am not unfamiliar with the urge to drive the happy bus off the side of the mountain just to see what happens," Sachs writes. "Complicating this is that disease of the brain called chronic male horniness. I used to tell people that the world will never seem more teeming with beautiful, fascinating, fuckable people than on the sunny afternoon when you walk to the post office carrying a box full of your wedding invitations."

My problem with that statement is not that he thought about fucking other people — everyone with a pulse, regardless of how much in love they are, thinks about fucking other people — it's that he attributes it to chronic male horniness, as if women couldn't possibly understand what it's like to lust after strangers. The John's reasoning is identical to Sachs's. Even fucking Marilyn Monroe gets boring, he exclaims. Well you know what, Adam, getting boned by George Clooney probably loses its luster after a couple of years, too! The fact that I even need to point out that all humans, regardless of gender, have biological urges is completely ridiculous, but I guess I'm going to have to keep doing it until men take intellectual responsibility for their wandering Johnsons.

Divorce: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac [Men.Style.Com]
I've Seen Every Kind Of Hooker Going [Letters From Johns]

Is Speed Racer A Feminist Film? • Ohio Students Get Moms Drunk, Arrested

maria — Mon, 05 May 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Christina Ricci calls her Speed Racer character a "feminist ideal." • An Indian bride-to-be rejects groom for poor math skills. • Bus driver and artist wants to change name to "In God We Trust." • Almost one-third of U.S. parents are clueless about infant development. • Malaysia drops proposal for restrictions on female travel. • Erin Brockovich is still around, sets sites on allegedly toxic housing community in South Carolina. • Finally: A pole-dancing Wii game is in the works. • Parents with mental disorders linked to autistic children. • Overweight mamas have longer pregnancies. • Yankees fan kills man with car after Red Sox-Bronx Bombers argument. • University of Minnesota puts on mostly whitewashed production of The Wiz due to lack of black students. • Teens who like alcohol may grow up to be heavy drinkers, Captain Obvious reports. • Moms' Weekend at Ohio University lets college kids introduce their moms to the wide world of binge drinking.

Cindy McCain's Marriage Is Not Exactly A 'Straight Talk Express'

Anna — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:30:00 EDT

Potential First Lady/onetime pill-popper Cindy McCain hit up Leno last night, appearing elegant in a canary-yellow pantsuit (shades of Hillary?) and eager to talk about her husband's candidacy, including concern over his advanced age and her family's reaction to his repeated presidential run. Cindy was agreeable enough, but over the course of the 12-minute interview (quite long for Leno) we noticed a theme began emerging: that of deceit in the McCain marriage. From lying about her age, taking pilot lessons and drug use, Cindy has quite the chronicle of tall tales! Clip above.

Is Surviving A Sex Change The True Sign Of A Good Marriage? Or Just Insane?

Moe — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Yesterday the New York Times ran a story about one of those married couples that stays together after the husband gets a sex change. I'm not sure how many married couples like that there are; it's one of those things that I feel like I'm hearing about all the time, but it could be the same married couple I saw on Oprah, but they're journalistically important because of of their legal implications — their rights and legal statuses differ from state to state, and there are all sorts of ways they can be discriminated against, not that most people are that concerned about transsexual same-sex married couples losing their spousal rights when they cross state lines when it's still okay for cops to shoot unarmed black men, because the real reason you want to read about these people is that they stayed together. Through a sex change. Their marriage survived. A sex change. All the same qualities that attracted them are still there, they claim. Just now they go bra-shopping together!

And he's developed a taste for manicotti.

The transition has changed Denise in unexpected ways. "My entire sensory palate — smells, colors, foods — everything is different," she said. "There are foods I hated that I love now." (Ricotta.) "She cries more easily," Fran said. "We're always like, 'Oh, God, she's crying again.' We're always getting a tissue."

But seriously, clearly there is a lot of love and compassion and openness and sacrifice and empathy and emotional dependence here, and clearly a marriage means something different when you're fifty and have three kids with a person than when you're in your twenties and trying to imagine having one kid with a person, but is this just kind of insane? Or is it the best thing ever?

Through Sickness, Health And Sex Change [NY Times]

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Anna — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:45:00 EDT

Remember the 3 Reasons Why Smart Women Love Baseball? Here's number 1.1: couples who watch baseball together may be more likely to stay together. At some point in the 1990s, Howard Markman of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, did a survey — "for fun" — when Denver was considering bringing the Rockies to the city. And based on his "results", he concluded that "you're 28 percent more likely to get a divorce if you live in a town that wants a professional baseball team." Yeah it's probably bullshit, (you can read more here), but as a soon-to-be-married major baseball fan, I can use all the excuses to go to the ballpark I can get. [Divorce360]

Why Marrying A Rich Old Dude Who Won't Fuck Will Not Solve Your Problems

Moe — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 12:00:00 EDT

Meet Tricia Walsh-Smith. She's a playwright, but I guess the tragedy is that this YouTube video, in which she asks the assistant of her greedy hateful rich theater-owning old ex-husband who never wanted to fuck (even though she was 25 years younger than him!) what she thinks she should do with the Viagra and condoms she found, will probably go down in "History" as her sole contribution to the universe. Or is it a tragedy? No of course not, there's no such thing as tragedy. Or no, actually...

The real tragedy is believing in things like dignity and pride and ego — and while we're at it, prenuptial agreements! — and YouTube is the just the new way people who don't believe in pride and ego air out the wounds to their pride and ego in a way too public and self-destructive for anyone to accuse them of having any pride or ego, and also, go about finding a lawyer who will screw the fuck out of that old fuck.

Tricia Walsh-Smith is somewhat sympathetic. She's hit bottom before — addiction (she wrote a critically-acclaimed play about it) — and she seems levelheaded here even though you're pretty sure she's out of her mind. On the other hand, if she never fucked her husband throughout their nine year marriage I'm thinking this wasn't exactly true love but more like a "lifestyle choice" she made that she is now simply enraged at herself for making because she could have been fucking...well, whoever fucks pretty middle-aged recovering alcoholic playwrights. And the fact that she's pissed at herself for making that choice is why she made this video, along with capturing the attention of high-profile divorce attorneys who might take her on because she has rendered herself high-profile with her honest, uncalculated — of maybe calculatedly uncalculated?? — ode to her grief and rage online. Yeah, that's it; she hates herself, but she hates him more!

Humiliated By YouTube [Daily Mail]
Broadway Wife Wants Divorce By YouTube [CBS News]
Is Revenge Now A Dish Best Served Online? [Telegraph]
The Misery Broker [New Yorker] (It's a profile of divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who is now representing Tricia Walsh-Smith, ha ha ha I love the universe.)

Brigitte Bardot Is A Racist; Churchgoing Girls Are Apple Polishers

maria — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:30:00 EDT

• Sure, yesterday was Black Day, but it was also Cake and Cunnilingus Day! • A blind man stabbed his fiancee for not wearing her engagement ring. • Mothers experience less eating problems than their drunk and childless peers.• The "D.C. Madam" was found guilty of prostitutin'. • Famous Muslim-hater, Brigitte Bardot, is on trial again for racist slurs. • The girls involved in a playground beatdown of a 10-year-old girl may face expulsion from school. • Gay couples are having trouble obtaining divorces. • Saudi female students and housewives plan Olympic dreams with controversial basketball team. • Social Darwinism? Girls who attend church religiously, are (possibly) harder workers.

Big Wedding, Yes; Boob Jobs & Botox, No

Jessica — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

You know, every time someone writes about weddings our commenters [And me. -Ed.] are all, "I would never spend any money on a wedding!" and "I can't believe anyone would lose weight for their big day, how superficial!" and "I am so unmaterialistic and wonderful I'm getting married in a burlap sack at the bottom of a big hole in the dirt because weddings are stupid and they should really be about true love and blah blah blah." But seriously? Fuck that noise. I totally want a huge-ass wedding and a pretty, poofy dress and I'll probably try to lose five pounds by joining some retarded gym program right before the wedding. There, I said it. But I promise not to go as apeshit as the women profiled today's Guardian.

According to the paper, women are getting boob jobs, nose jobs, Botox, and more than 20% of brides polled by academic researchers "were taking an approach [to weight loss] that the researchers perceived as 'extreme', including downing laxatives, vomiting after meals and adopting a new-found smoking habit as a way to stave off hunger pangs."

"You could say bollocks to it and get married in something from Topshop," writer Alice Wignall says, "but it's not easy for any woman who has grown up with the beauty myth - even if she's actually read The Beauty Myth - to do that on the one day still marked most seriously by old-fashioned notions of femininity."

Cosmo and MSN took those old-fashioned notions of femininity to heart when they printed this list of Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry. (Goddamn, this list is stupid.) "Slip one of those furry covers on the toilet," Cosmo suggests; "Plan your fantasy wedding!" "If all you feel like eating for dinner is ice cream and diet soda, buy a cone and pop a Coke!" Except for the planning the wedding part, the entire list is filled with idiotic tripe that you could do when you're married, too. Isn't there some sort of middle ground between getting married in Topshop and planning your Cosmo-licious fantasy wedding years before you've even met a prospective husband?

And The Bride Wore Botox ... [Guardian]
Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry [MSN, reprinted from Cosmopolitan]

Earlier: Single Slut Crashes New York Weddings Showcase

Single Women: Psyched Or Sad?

Dodai — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:30:00 EDT

In today's Sydney Morning Herald, columnist Samantha Brett writes about the "Hollywood Freemale." What the hell is a freemale, you ask? It's a stoopid term coined to describe a woman who is single and loving it. She's female, and she's free — of males! Get it? Anyway, Ms. Brett points out that single women in Australia now outnumber married women for the first time since World War I. "Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore," says social historian Stephanie Coontz. And celebrities are leading the way, since there are single stars like Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson and uh, the Pussycat Dolls. Jen Aniston reportedly said being single is great because of "the unknown. I love the discovery of what will be happening." Drew Barrymore says being single "makes you a better lover." Cammie Diaz claims: "I love being alone and being by myself. And I'm really good at it too." But are these Hollywood freemales — and other non-famous single ladies — just kidding themselves?

Because, as Ms. Brett points out, even media mogul Tyra Banks pouts: "I go home and put my key in my door and... nothing; no friends, no husband, no children. I feel so full when I'm at work but so empty when I come home." And, if you pay any attention to the celeb weeklies, single women need your pity, because they are "lonely" and "can't find love." Plus, Ms. Brett refers to the Lori Gottlieb article in Atlantic Monthly, reminding us that Ms. Gottlieb wrote: "Every woman I know - no matter how successful and ambitious - feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried." While Jen Aniston and Cammie Diaz don't appear to be panicking, Ms. Brett ends with a quote from Cher: "I don't need a man. But I'm happier with one."

So which is it? Are "freemales" carefree, happy, independent modern women who don't think of a husband as a "must-have" in life? Or are they sad, lonely, empty, desperate souls, secretly terrified that they won't get married? (Bonus question: Are we living in a society that is so afraid of a strong, sexy, single woman that they have to be labeled lonely and thereby taken down a notch?)

Strictly A Solo Act [Sydney Morning Herald]

Earlier: Settle For Mr. "Just OK" — While Your "Marital Value Is Still At Its Peak!"
If You're Single And You Know It, Raise Your Hand
British Writer Knows Why You're Still Single

Domestic Disturbances

Jessica — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:45:00 EDT

A new study shows that chore-disparity between men and women still remains. Married ladies do, on average, seven more hours of cleaning than their hubbies. University of Michigan researchers found that being married saves men an hour of housework a week, while married women with children do even more than their fair share of cleaning than the female half of a childless couple. According to Reuters, scientists "found that young single women did the least amount of housework, at about 12 hours a week. Married women in their 60 and 70s did nearly twice that amount, while women with more than three children spent 28 hours a week cleaning, cooking and washing." [Reuters]

Single Slut Crashes New York Weddings Showcase

Slut Machine — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Initially, when Anna and I decided to attend New York Magazine's Weddings Showcase, we figured it would be a great opportunity to make fun of all the maniacal brides-to-be, harried maids of honor and opinionated mothers looking for chic and modern ways to piss away $100K on a party celebrating a union that has less than a 50% chance of actually going the distance. But (not so) secretly, I loved it. That shit was open bar! And there were awesome hors d'oeuvres! And so much cake! And ice cream sandwiches on popsicles! And a kickass goodie bag! Now I want to get married! (Joke.) But seriously, for those looking to get drunk, stuff their faces and get a kickass goody bag, $25 is a small price to pay. After the jump, all the things we saw in the shuffling sea of brides wearing Tory Burch ballet flats.

So, I went to this thing with Anna. I'm a confirmed bachelorette, and although Anna is engaged, she's forgoing the big wedding thing in favor of eloping. Needless to say, we walked in there a leetle bit biased, which didn't help matters when the first thing I set my eyes on was this NYC trash can, tastefully lined with linen.

I mean, come on. Was it really that much of an eyesore? On the other hand, I wonder if it was some kind of subliminal message like, "See, we can turn trash into class. Let us do that to you!"

Speaking of trash, when I went into the bathroom, I saw this:

Yeah, that's period blood, folks. At least whomever it was won't be having to shop in the maternity section for her white dress.

Okay, so maybe it was the free booze and food, but I sorta loved the whole thing. I was super hungry, and they had these miniburgers and little lobster cups and some kind of cured meat roll. At one point, when I was at one of the cake tasting stations, shoveling a slice of chocolate and strawberry heaven into my mouth, I dropped a chunk on the table. I picked it up, with every intention of putting it in my mouth, but the woman working the booth kinda gave me a look like, "Please don't," so I handed it over to her and she disposed of it.

So here's what struck me most about the whole event: On one side of the room, there were services offering pre-wedding diet plans and food delivery services so that brides can, as the David Kirsch brochure proclaimed,"feel like the most beautiful woman in the room". On the other side, there were catering companies. The diet tables were empty. Everyone was mobbing the the lobster cup lady. (She also had green gazpacho.)

At one table, a group of women were giving out promotional T-shirts and boxers for whatever service they provide. [Wedding dress design. -Ed.] We tried to get one, but they only had XS available. It turns out that wedding showcases are just as confusing when it comes to the expectations of body image as, well, anything else in life, really. All the dresses on the racks were size 0 as well.

This was kinda awesome. They had free massages:

And they had this photo booth there, as an idea of something brides can rent for their receptions:

The goodie bag was sick, full of all kinds of beauty products from Redken and Crabtree & Evelyn, a cake server from Oneida, a bottle opener that looked like a shoe, lots of gift certificates, and a free session of ballroom dancing lessons.

The most ridiculous person we talked to had to be the woman from Disney's Couture Wedding Collection, a destination wedding service provided by Disney for which they put together cookie-cutter wedding packages at one of their Florida resorts. The package includes decorations, food, and rental of the space. It does not include the price of a dress, or anyone's hotel rooms. (The Disney rep also made no mention of booze, so it's probably an add-on.) The starting price for a destination wedding for you and 50 friends? $75,000. I think I deserved a goddamn medal for not laughing in that lady's face right there.

So, did going to the Weddings Showcase change my mind about having a big special day of my own? I mean, I doubt I'll ever find that kind of money to spend on getting my idiot friends drunk for one night. (Especially when Jell-O shots with Georgi vodka tend to do the trick quite well.) But my motto in life is never say never, because I always said I'd never have anal sex, and well, now sometimes I do. So maybe one day, I'll suddenly decide I want to spend my life with one person and have a big open bar party to celebrate that. Hey, it couldn't hurt much more than getting fucked in the ass.

Divorce Is Not For Democrats

mcarpentier — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:30:00 EDT

In today's Wall Street Journal, a reader named L.H. from Ohio writes to columnist Sue Shellenbarger:

You wrote that living in a Blue State reduces the odds of divorce. Democrats divorce at a lower rate than Republicans? I find that very difficult to believe.

Shellenbarger responds that the so-called "blue" states have lower divorce rates than "red" ones for a variety of reasons, including education levels that inspire the affianced to think long and hard about all the reasons for getting married before they hop the Greyhound to Vegas (resulting in lower overall marriage levels and a reduction in the reasons for divorce in the first place.) My problem with "L.H. from Ohio"'s letter is that I find it sort of difficult to believe that he/she would even ask the question, especially in an election year like this one.

Because, really? Let's count our long-marrieds who were actual contenders in the race this year: Democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards and Bill Richardson are all still on their first marriages. But on the Republican side, only Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney, both famously very religious, have stuck by the first women to whom they promised "for better or for worse." Last-man-standing John McCain divorced his first wife for Cindy, Fred Thompson left his first wife and picked up a younger model and Rudy Giuliani is famously on his third wife.

Perhaps it hasn't occurred to L.H. that many politicians on the right come from the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do school of thinking. Abstinence-only education and encouraging people to marry and stay married is for the electorate — the minor party functionaries and the voters who want to believe that the 1950s was the best decade in American history — not the ruling class. Because if history is any indication, the leader will likely keep leaving their wives for younger women and boning the interns. It's always good to have someone to cushion the fall when you're knocked off that high horse!

Work & Family Mailbox [Wall Street Journal]

Maybe A Pregnant Bride Is A Symbol Of Hope

Dodai — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:30:00 EDT

Dear Jamie Lynn Spears, Angelina Jolie and other unmarried moms-to-be: Tracey Wilkinson feels your pain. According to today's Telegraph, the 31-year-old opened a store in Chiswik, west London called Expectant Bride. There, one can find a full range of wedding dresses designed to accommodate the growing belly of a pregnant woman. Wilkinson, mother of two, explains: "I got married when I was seven months pregnant and found it very difficult getting a maternity bridal dress to fit. You can't just wear a large sized normal dress as you look like you're wearing a tent. The dresses I sell look like a normal bridal gown but they are discreetly made to fit a bump." Plus, she claims her business is "doing really well." But Anne Widdecombe, a Member of Parliament, says: "I think this shop is an extremely sad sign of the times." But isn't a knocked up bride a symbol of hope? Because at least she's getting married? Something about a pregnant bride says, "We're going to try and make this work."

We all know the rhyme: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. But is such thinking just terribly old-fashioned? Does anybody care what order you do things in anymore?

Celebrities may not be proper role models, but you can't deny — from Johnny Depp to Halle Berry to Nicole and Joel — these days, cohabitation and kids without a marriage license is par for the course. While Ms. Widdecombe might also think children out of wedlock "sad," is the concept that there must be a marriage before a pregnancy just antiquated?

Pregnant Brides Now Have Their Own Shop [Telegraph]

Survey Says: Sleeping Apart Can Save Your Relationship

Jessica — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:00:00 EDT

When our lease was up last month, my boyfriend and I flirted with the idea of moving to an apartment with separate bedrooms because of our sleep incompatibility. Basically, I like to stay up reading until the wee hours but the light from my lamp makes him want to bludgeon me. We couldn't afford anything nice with two bedrooms, but according to some new studies from the U.K. — oh, and that story in last month's Elle — we're not alone with our snoozing loserdom. The National Association of Homebuilders in Britain is predicting that by 2015, the majority of custom made homes will have his and hers master bedrooms. But what about life for us plebes who can't even manage a two bedroom squat? The Times of London tries to offer some solutions for the 50% of couples who, according to the Times, wake each other up about 6 times a night.

Some of the major problems between co-sleepers include snoring, kicking, and wrestling for the covers — but on a more basic level, each person has a different body clock, and some people are morning people (called "larks" by sleep experts) and some are night people (called owls). All of this is clearly common sense, but the Times called in sleep expert Sammy Margo to give a couple called the Millards some advice on how to deal with an owly husband and a wife who is neither lark nor owl.

Mr. Millard sounds like a total neurotic who has trouble sleeping, in part, because he's always worrying about shit. Mr. Margo tells him to quit the caffeine after lunch, eat foods low on the glycemic index, gnaw on turkey, Marmite, spinach, or any other food with tryptophan in it, and take a warm bath right before bed,. Mr. Millard wanted to follow Margo's advice, but he ended up lying awake and worrying about the advice instead! (Though he did appreciate the warm bath and eating more veggies.)

But enough about those boring old marrieds. The studies quoted by the Times also show that Lezebels have the best sleep among couples. "Sleep conflicts seem to be bound up with fundamental biological and behavioural differences between the sexes," says the Times. "For example, when Professor Jim Horne, the director of the Loughborough University Sleep Research Centre, attached movement monitors to men and women sleepers, he found that men moved much more than women and were far more likely to disturb women than the other way round." Ergo, two women sleeping together wouldn't cause each other much disturbance at all.

As for me and my old man, we made some compromises that helped us not kill each other at bedtime. We got two separate comforters so we weren't warring over one and I (theoretically) agreed to a lights off at midnight policy. There's something kind of lonely about the idea of a couple sleeping apart, though I know a lot of happy couples who do it. Does it work for any of you?

Sleeping Apart; The Key To A Happy Marriage [Times of London]
Twin Beds May Benefit Marriages [UPI]

Earlier: Can You Get A Decent Night's Sleep With A Loved One In Bed?

Want To Be Happy? Date An Ugly Dude

Jessica — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:30:00 EDT

Pretty bitches are just as picky and superficial about men as you've always assumed: According to University of Texas psychology researcher David Buss, women "gauge what they can get [from men] based on what they got," in terms of attractiveness. Buss's study, titled "Attractive Women Want It All," says that women, regardless of looks, want four things from a long-term relationship: good looks, economic resources, nascent parenting skills, and loyalty and devotion. If a woman believes she is especially beautiful, she'll retain high standards in all of these areas, but if a woman considers herself mediocre looking, she'll relax her expectations. Buss' study adds that even a really hot woman will lower her standards if she's having trouble finding the perfect mate, which might explain another study that's getting play in the press today. Research from the University of Tennessee shows that women are happier with men who are uglier than they are.

The Tennessee study tested 82 couples for facial attractiveness and how they felt about their marriages. While women who were better-looking than their spouses reported contentedness, according to Univeristy of Tennessee professor Jim McNulty, men who were more attractive than their mates "demonstrated a tendency to offer less emotional and practical support to their wives." McNulty addsthat there is an "evolutionary explanation" for this behavior: "Attractive men have available to them more short-term mating opportunities. This may make them less satisfied and less committed to the marital relationship." Finally, a scientific explanation for the Katherine Heigl's choice to stay with Seth Rogen in Knocked Up!.

Do Attractive Women Want it All? New Study Reveals Relationship Standards Are Relative [PhysOrg]
Why Gorgeous Girls Are Happier With Plain Guys [Daily Mail]

An Unhappy Marriage Is Bad For Your Blood

Jessica — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:30:00 EDT

Hating your husband can cause your blood pressure to skyrocket, according to a new study from Brigham Young University's psychology department. Researchers had 204 married folks and 99 single people wear portable monitors that tracked the subjects' blood pressure at 72 different points throughout the day. They also had the marrieds rate their level of "marital satisfaction" in a survey. CBS News reports that the people with the best blood pressure were those who are happily married. Single people had the next best blood pressure, while the miserable marrieds had by far the worst blood pressure of all. (Wonder how many of the subjects were Mormon?)

Having a large social network is also advantageous for a single person's health, but a contented single still does not have the blood pressure of a happily married person, the study showed.

You know what does elevate general health regardless of marital status? Sharing good news, says Science Daily. So don't be bashful about shouting the news of your promotion or that fancy new vibrator you discovered from the rooftop... or at least the bed-top.

Happy Marriage, Better Blood Pressure [CBS News]
Happily Marrieds Have Lower Blood Pressure Than Social Singles [Science Daily]

How Would You Feel If Your Ex Got Married?

Dodai — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:00:00 EDT

John Mason, 35, got hitched on Saturday. Big deal? Yeah, because at his last wedding, the bride disappeared and then claimed she'd been kidnapped. John Mason's ex fiancé, Jennifer Wilbanks, was known as the "runaway bride." For causing chaos and lying to authorities she was sentenced to two years' probation and community service, including mowing the lawns at public buildings. Meanwhile, John's new bride is the cousin of a friend he went to high school with. The ceremony was quiet and John's mom did the flowers (pink roses). Here's the thing: Even if she got cold feet, had some "issues" or just went a little nuts back in 2005 when she ran away, Jennifer Wilbanks, at some point, told this man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. And now he's with someone else. Have you been there? I have.

A few years back, I was living with a boyfriend who was a super sweet, super funny, all-around nice guy. And I broke up with him. We're too young, I need to work on myself, it's not you, it's me, I said. And I meant it. I had nothing but great things to say about him. And that's why, a few years later, when he contacted me out of the blue and wanted to "grab a drink" after work, I was excited and said sure. But as we sat in a pizza place talking about our jobs, I saw a flash of silver on his hand. On his finger. I think a bite of cheese fell out of my mouth. "Are you married?" I blurted. "Yeah, I am, I was kind of waiting for the right minute to tell you," he said. Approximately three thousand thoughts and emotions flooded my body, including questions like: Why didn't he tell me before he tied the knot? Why did we break up again? Meaning: Why did I break up with him? Why am I so shocked? Why is he so nonchalant? Do I wish I were married to him? Do I wish I still had the chance to be? Why am I still single? Why am I freaking out? Why do I care? That night, instead of answers, I had a few cocktails.

But today, I found myself wondering: How does the most famous almost-bride feel about her almost-groom tying the knot? And what is it about finding out an ex has gotten hitched that can rock your world?

Report: Runaway Bride's Ex-Fiance Marries [USA Today]
'Runaway Bride''s Ex-Fiancé Gets Married [People]

How Much Is a Marriage Worth?

Jessica — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 09:30:00 EDT

The news of Heather Mills McCartney's nearly $49 million divorce settlement was the talk of both the tabloids and legitimate news sources yesterday, and it wasn't just because Mills' split from Paul McCartney was so acrimonious. The haggling over money when one spouse is far wealthier than the other begs the question: How much is a marriage "worth"? Pundits and the peanut gallery alike have been griping about Mills's payday — she will receive the equivalent of $1,300 an hour for every hour of her four-year marriage to Paul McCartney. During a segment about the McCartneys and the price of marriage on GMA this morning, the implication was that a wife only deserves that kind of money when her presence helped a husband create his fortune.

Lorna Wendt, the ex-wife of GE Capital CEO George Wendt, was originally offered $8 million following the couple's divorce after 32 years of marriage. Lorna thought she was worth half of the $100 million fortune George had amassed, and after taking her ex to court, ended up receiving $20 million. She told Fortune magazine: "I complemented him by keeping the home fires burning and by raising a family and by being the CEO of the Wendt corporation and by running the household and grounds and social and emotional ties so he could go out and work very hard at what he was good at... If marriage isn't a partnership between equals, then why get married? If you knew that some husband or judge down the road was going to say, 'You're a 30% part of this marriage, and he's a 70% part,' would you get married?"

Arguably, Mills never created any sort of McCartney corporation. Nearly all of her ex-husband's money and success had been amassed long before she came on the scene. But does that mean she deserves less of the pie? Then there's the couple's young daughter, 4-year-old Beatrice. In addition to the $49 million, McCartney will pay $70,000 a year for Beatrice's nanny and school fees. To this sum, Mills griped, "[Beatrice is] obviously meant to travel B class while her father travels A class."

The court of John Q. Public has been, well, less than sympathetic to Mills In the comments section of a New York Times item analyzing the press coverage of her, reader "wendy" says of Mills, "Another money hungry 'female dog' that gives us good women a bad "name". You didn't have it when you met him and shouldn't have it when you leave him..." No one but the people involved know the real details about the Mills-McCartney marriage, though the pair's divorce proceedings will be made public as per a court decision today, despite an appeal from Mills yesterday. But again: even if we knew the intimate details, how do we put a price on them?

A Well-Covered End To The McCartney-Mills Marriage [NY Times]
The Price Of Romance [Guardian]
It's Her Job Too: Lorna Wendt's $20 Million Divorce Case Is The Shot Heard 'Round The Water Cooler [Fortune]
McCartney Divorce Ruling To Be Released [AP via Yahoo]

How Eliot Spitzer's Indiscretions Made His Wife Age Before Our Eyes

Anna — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 11:00:00 EDT

Women of a certain age have it hard. They get pushed out of the workforce for younger, "better models." Sometimes their husbands of many decades cheat on them with prostitutes! Which brings us to Silda Wall Spitzer. As the week has worn, the chatter about Eliot Spitzer's accomplished, philanthropic, whip-smart wife — and what she must be feeling, thinking, and planning — has exploded, including commentary by bloggers, internet commenters and Ed Koch (the former mayor of New York), on how the 50-year-old mother of three seemingly aged several years overnight. Curious, we took a look at recent photographs of of the Harvard Law grad and found a marked difference in her face, which can only be described as exhausted and devastated, yet strong*. But that's just us. What do you think? After the jump, a chronological photo gallery of Ms. Spitzer's public appearances through the years.

*(This is not a criticism, people.)

Left: October 5, 2006. Right: November 7, 2006.

Left: November 17, 2006. Right, April 24, 2007.

Left: September 9, 2007. Right, December 1, 2007.

Left: December 4, 2007. Right: February 25, 2007.

Left: March 11, 2008. Right: March 12, 2008.

(Images via Getty)

Earlier: Women On Silda Wall: "I'd Have Paraded In Front Of A Microphone With A Knife"

Why Did Eliot Spitzer Risk Everything To Pay For Sex?

Jessica — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:30:00 EDT

Yesterday we looked at the Spitzer scandal from the prostitutes' point of view, and now we ask the question: why did Eliot risk everything to bone a hooker in the first place? One possibility, according to the Times of London, is that he's addicted to sex. An anonymous columnist writes in today's paper, "My desire for sex was so overwhelming that I had difficulty breathing." This "John X" says that he was a sex addict because "I wanted to feel nothing; oblivion feels good when you've had a bad day at work, or are hung-over." (It all stemmed from a basic inability to communicate with the opposite sex.) "It's a mistake to associate paid sex with feelings. Better to associate it with a lack of feelings, a big frightening void, an inability to communicate sexually and emotionally with a partner."

But by all accounts, Silda and Eliot had a decent marriage before the deluge. Newsweek offers some alternative theories. Susannah Breslin, a writer who is soliciting "Letters from Johns" on an eponymous website writes about some of the letters she received, and most of the prostitute-frequenting married men she's talked to went to hookers because their wives no longer had sex with them or because they got their rocks off on the taboo of it all. "For some men, especially those who are seen as particularly moral or righteous in their public lives (think of all those fallen preachers)," Breslin notes, "Part of the appeal is the fact that it is illegal and a moral transgression in their eyes."

It could be an honest-to-goodness kink, or maybe it's Spitzer's biology! According to Newsweek, men who cheat are "sensation seekers" who have "lower levels of monoamine oxidase A," the chemical that regulates dopamine, the "pleasure" neurotransmitter. Also, the kind of person who is a politician is often incredibly egocentric. Says University of Washington political scientist John Gastil: "For high-profile offices... you have to have a kind of personality where you are very interested in yourself and your personal needs, as well as the needs of others... When the gratification of your desire for social change becomes the justification for so much of what you do in your career, it's not a leap to then say, 'Well, my other desires and needs are equally justified.' You come up with elaborate justifications. 'Hey, 23 hours day I'm working hard for the people of New York. Time for a little me time!'"

And Spitzer will have a ton of "me" time now that he's resigned. The oft-heard moral of this story — to me, at least — is be wary of anyone who goes around crowing about how moral and ethical they are. If Spitzer hadn't claimed to be such a paragon of virtue, the people of New York would probably be more forgiving. Look at former Providence mayor Buddy Cianci or former D.C. mayor Marion Barry. Both left office "disgraced" but returned after a couple years. People forgave them because they never expected them to be particularly moral in the first place. If Spitzer had been honest with himself about his true moral fiber, maybe we wouldn't have seen poor Silda's destroyed visage on our television screens yesterday. She — and we — would have known better.

Dear John [Newsweek]
His Cheating Brain [Newsweek]

Earlier: Enough About Eliot. What About The Hookers?

Women On Silda Wall: "I'd Have Paraded In Front Of A Microphone With A Knife"

Dodai — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 12:30:00 EDT

After two days of relentless focus and attention on the now-resigned New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, the news agencies have set their sights on the problem of prostitution, and, of course, on his now-suffering wife, Silda. Her "charmed life slips away," reads an AP headline. "Brainy, beautiful, betrayed," reports CBS News. "Many wonder, 'why does she stay with him?'" writes a reporter for the L.A. Times. (The NY Post's Cindy Adams is all "so what?"). By all accounts, Silda Wall Spitzer was one of those smart, over-achieving women who awe and inspire. She had a strong maternal figure (her mom insisted she list her profession as "home administrator" rather than "housewife", on her college applications), a successful and lucrative law career (she out-earned her husband as a mergers and acquisitions specialist at a top New York firm) and, in addition to raising three daughters, she founded a philanthropic community service organization. And then the news broke about her husband.

Standing by her husband's side during his press conference was her decision to make, and probably a tough one. But was it the right one? How would you deal with a life-shattering betrayal — when everyone is watching?

Silda (named after a Teutonic goddess) grew up in Concord, NC, attended Meredith, women's college in Raleigh, and went from there to Harvard Law. She met — and married — a fellow Harvard student named Peter Stamos; the marriage lasted 29 days. Later she joined prestigious NYC law firm Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, billing 3,300 hours a year — more than nine hours a day, including weekends. She married Spitzer in 1987 and put her career on hold in 1994. They had two children by then (they currently have three daughters, 17, 15 and 13), which impacted her decision: "I felt very conflicted and emotional about leaving my job," she told Vogue last year. "It was not something I wanted to do, but I have never once doubted that it was the right decision for us. You don't want to give up your dreams, but you also have to confront the reality of your life. Ultimately, it was more important for me to have my family work."

Somewhere along the way, her focus shifted from career achievement to domestic accomplishment. Add that to standing next to her husband as he admits a breach of trust and you've got a recipe that leaves a bad taste in the mouths of many women. Writers from the L.A. Times interviewed females from different cities, and of different ages and walks of life. The reaction is the same: Women are ashamed of Silda. "I find it nauseating . . . phony and awful," Leah Schanzer, 38, tells the paper. Her friend Leslie Heller, 47, agrees. "It makes it seem like she's Susie Homemaker. She shouldn't be standing there, next to him." Says Linda Walters, 61: "She should've said, 'This is your fight. This is your battle. You stand there and get yourself out of it.'" "I'd have paraded in front of the microphone with a knife," says Cassandra Horton, 43.

Should a woman who has given up her career for her family stand by that family — including her husband — no matter what? It might make Silda look bad to face the press while holding her husband's hand, but would it look worse if she didn't? Is there bravery in standing by your man, as it were? Or, should Silda, as Dina Matos McGreevy — whose husband announced he was a "Gay American" — writes in today's New York Times, have made the decision to stand by herself and let the man in question face the cameras on his own?

NY First Lady's Charmed Life Slips Away [Breitbart]
Silda Spitzer, The Wife Who Gave Up Career To Back Politics And Ambition [Times]
Stand By Yourself [New York Times]
Gov.'s Wife: Brainy, Beautiful, Betrayed [CBS News]
Wife Puts Troubling Face On The Spitzer Scandal [L.A. Times]
Stay With Shpritzer, Smart Lady [NY Post]

Lauer On Spitzer: Some Political Wives "Become Almost An Appendage Of Their Spouse"

Anna — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 14:30:00 EDT

Okay kids, we've got another clip from the Today Show featuring more critique of New York governor Eliot Spitzer's indiscretions. This one features Dina Matos, the aggrieved former first lady from New Jersey whose onetime hubby famously cheated on her with another man. Ms. Matos was thoughtful and sensitive during her interview with Today's Matt Lauer, but we can't say the same for the show itself. First off: What was up with the show's split-screen of footage of Ms. Matos and her ex-husband during his public declaration of infidelity, and that of Governor Spitzer and his wife Silda? (Tasteful blue suits on the women! Red striped ties on the men!) It was creepy and unnecessary. Secondly: What the fuck is Matt Lauer talking about? As explanation as to why Silda Wall Spitzer stood by her man, he said, "Some of these political spouses create their own identity based on their spouse's identity...and perhaps they're worried that if they don't stand by that person at that time they somehow lose their own identity." You sort it out. Clip above.

Why Wives Stand By Scandal-Stained Husbands [MSNBC]

What Do You Do When Your Spouse Becomes A Vegetable?

Moe — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 14:00:13 EDT

Readers, it's been a trying few blogdays. Mike Cherico, Eliot Spitzer, Ben Karlin...if anyone needs douchetoxification, it is we. Good thing there are still at least, like, at least four decent males in this world, one of whom was profiled in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, so gather around and take heart in the story of Dave Kendall. Many years ago, Dave married a woman with a rare genetic disorder. For the first two decades of married life she was normal, when in her late forties she began slipping irrevocably into advanced vegetablehood. He now feeds her, moves her everywhere, and takes her to the bathroom, keeping close watch on her shits. Her mind is lodged deeply in dementia, but he keeps it as healthy and active as he can, quizzing her on basic arithmetic and forcing her to play Bingo with him. The better he treats her, the longer she lives. "On a computer bulletin board recently, Dave heard of a woman who lived 30 years with Huntington's," the story writes. "By the end, she weighed 44 pounds."

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Dave is a fan of Job. He has trained himself to feel thankful for truly pathetic things, such as: "She's been more thankful about more things than I would have been. Sometimes I'll be curt with her, and she'll thank me. How bad is that on your conscience?"

It is an illness that can have a very long trajectory: 10 to 20 years is the estimated life-span after diagnosis, but there is no way to know. The better care Dave takes of Diana — and he takes very good care of her — the longer she will live. The longer she lives, the longer he has to live like this: Waking in the night to take Diana to the toilet or settle her after an anxiety episode. Getting up early to prepare her medications and make her breakfast, then rushing home from work to fix them both dinner. Feeding Diana, cleaning Diana, hoisting Diana up and down the stairs. Never taking vacations. Going to weddings and other events by himself. Sleeping alone. And sleeping little.

In an online chat held Monday, Dave recommended that all married couples talk early and often about "contingencies" and buy lots of insurance. The author also recommends the Well Spouse Association chat rooms for moral support, and if you want to find another ailing person's spouse to have an affair with not that anyone's recommending that per se. But seriously, I have been obsessed with this question from the time I read Jane Eyre about twenty years ago until the Terry Schaivo thing totally desensitized me to it: what if you marry someone who decides not to commit suicide in the face of degenerative disease?

The Vow [Washington Post Magazine]

Online Chat Transcript with Dave Kendall [Washington Post]