For starters, those earrings on the cover are $19,600. They're not just earrings, see, they're 7.67 natural amoeba diamond slice earrings in 18K gold with colored diamonds. Plus, they possess the power to hypnotize!

This, friends, is a candle. A pretty candle, and yet: something you set fire to. $395. Are you feeling witty yet?

Rose gold chain with diamonds, $4900. Skinny jeans, $194. Hairdo that involves refereeing a cock fight: Priceless.

This Lacoste polo featuring a crocodile clusterfuck is a limited edition collaboration with Brazilian designers Humberto and Fernando Campanas and "reflects their commitment to creative chaos and triumphantly simple solutions." Witty! And $165.

"You can pretend to be serious; you cannot pretend to be witty." — Sascha Guitry

Honestly, I like the idea of peppering the catalog with witticisms, like this one, even though I had never heard of Sacha Guitry. I looked him up! He was a French actor, dramatist and director who wrote his first play at age 17. He wrote and directed and acted in Pasteur, a biography of the famous scientist; and there's something in his IMDb biography about how he lived a lavish lifestyle while the Germans occupied France in the '40s… He was jailed for a few months after the liberation of Paris. He was married five times, all to actresses who co-starred in either his plays or films. And! His name was apparently spelled Sacha, not Sascha.

But none of this is the point! The point is: That hair bauble, which would most certainly instantly fall out of my hair and through a sewer grate, is $1,990.

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." — Carl Jung

"Show me someone willing to pay $2,900 for these earrings and I will show you someone rich and dumb." — Yours truly.

There's a Dorothy Parker quote on the lingerie page, where $125 gets you a strip of silk for romantic, light BDSM evenings.

Dammit, if I had $365 and poor eyesight, I would love a pair of Albert Maysles glasses. He directed Grey Gardens! He's avuncular! He rocks! And the Maysles Institute in Harlem is a nonprofit organization that provides training and apprenticeships to underprivileged individuals. And you can see movies there, too!

A "choosing between two evils" quote on page where both items are made of rabbit fur? Witty?

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" —Abraham Lincoln.

New idea: LOLFoundingFathers.

Oh, hey, if this loose, body-disguising psuedo-homeless style looks familiar, it's because these garments are from The Row, aka Mary-Kate and Ashley's clothing line. $490 for the cardigan, $225 for the tank and $1,700 for the pants. That's $2,145 to look like you just rolled out of bed and threw on some laundry from your floordrobe.

Since alligators have been seen in the Mississippi River, a Mark Twain quote on this page is actually an inspired choice.

Barneys New York [Official Site]

Earlier: Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

Of Palin, Laura Bush said,

Well I think that's just something she needed to determine and she did. And, you know, everyone has to respect the decision she made. She, like a whole lot of people, other people that get into politics, find out it's a great big world when you get in the politics and, um, I wish her the very best.

You too can achieve such blandness, and many other fun speech effects, with the many Republican translators below.

Laura Bush

In order to talk like the FFLOTUS (which in Welsh means, "a breakfast dish made with cod"), simply replace every concrete noun with an abstract noun. Then, replace every adjective with something positive, yet vague. Here's an example:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Laura: The terrific wonderful thing jumps over the great idea.

For extra verisimilitude, deliver all statements with a glazed-over, faraway expression, as though staring at a point three feet behind your interlocutor's head.

Sarah Palin

The Sarah Palin translator is a little more complicated. First, add to each sentence a metaphor or simile that is entirely unrelated to the topic at hand. Next, add at least two superfluous prepositions or helping verbs. Finally, include a mention of an Alaskan animal. And obviously drop all the g's. Observe:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Palin: The quick old salmon is doin some jumpin over that lazy grizzly bear over there, like a point guard stealin a snowmachine from a Cheechako.

Lindsey Graham

In Grahamese, all sentences begin with a disingenuous expression of support, and end with a condescending question. To whit:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Graham: Now I like you, you hear, but I have to tell you that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, do you understand that?

Ann Coulter

Leave everything the same, but add something horrifically offensive as a parenthetical aside.

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Coulter: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog (who is stealing from hard-working American dogs, and deserves to be put down).

Finally, in the manner of "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," we'd like to translate Laura Bush into Sarah Palin and then back to Laura again.

Laura Bush: Well I think that's just something she needed to determine and she did. And, you know, everyone has to respect the decision she made. She, like a whole lot of people, other people that get into politics, find out it's a great big world when you get in the politics and, um, I wish her the very best.

Sarah Palin: Well I've been thinkin that's just somethin she's going to be needin to determine, like a majestic moose bleedin to death in the Alaskan sunrise. And, you know, every grizzly bear out there has to be respectin that decision she was makin, because that's what separates the glaciers from the pitbulls. She, like a whole lot of other people in this great country of ours, other people that have been gettin into politics, find out its a a great big hockey rink when you get in the politics, and, ya know, only the dead fish makes the basket.

Laura Bush: Terrific.

FFLOTUS Defends Palin [The Page]
Laura Bush Talks About Sarah Palin on Fox News [The Page]
Laura Bush, Part 2 [Fox News]
Laura Bush Gives Michelle Obama A Thumbs-up [Houston Chronicle]

Look, I'm not going to say my Anne doesn't have her flaws. On the other hand (and I'll admit, this might be my public school education or my age showing), I don't remember reading anything Louisa May Alcott or Noel Streatfeild as part of a reading curriculum, either. Most of what I remember about books in school is that when they were written by women about women or girls, they were modern-day books. But there were plenty of historical books — Twain being a good example — that we were expected to read along with Judy Blume.

Anyway, not that I didn't devour nearly everything by all of those authors (and more) on my own, but it seems to me that plenty of girls could stand a little more Anne in their lives, even if they don't know it yet. Personally, my full set had better still be in a box in my closet when I get home, or my mom is gonna owe me some book money.

100 Candles [Slate]