• And now, the cold, hard, retail reality sets in: Neiman Marcus and Net-A-Porter are dropping Ungaro for Spring. Barneys and Saks also aren't ordering. Lindsay Lohan and Mounir Moufarrige, what have you wrought! [Style.com]

• Ashley Tisdale does not yearn for a clothing line. "I've started a production company; I guess that's kind of my clothing line," says the actress. [WWD]
• The incredible Alexander McQueen shoes — both the bulbous hoof ones, and the ones that look like some piece of anthropomorphic weaponry out of eXistenZ, which Lady Gaga wore in the video for "Bad Romance" — are apparently a hit. The designer says he's been inundated with calls from women wanting to buy the so-called "Alien" shoes, albeit some who are interested in them as art pieces. The process by which the shoes are made is protected by copyright, says a spokesperson for the brand. No word on whether a commercial version will be produced for wide sale; McQueen is mulling a charity auction for the runway samples. [Grazia]
• Carlos Falchi's line of handbags for Target is in stores now through December 27th. The designer says, if he didn't have his current job, "I'd like to be a Brazilian cowboy." [TFI]
• Victoria Beckham's people are denying the rumors she is planning, with Simon Fuller, to open a modeling agency — perhaps a U.S. branch of Storm, in which Fuller holds a controlling stake — in New York. "There is absolutely no truth in the story regarding Victoria Beckham and Simon Fuller opening a modeling agency in New York," says her spokesman. "Victoria is concentrating all her efforts on her fashion line and her family." [Vogue UK]
• Daniel Lalonde, president of Louis Vuitton, basically confirmed Lara Stone will be the face of the spring campaign. [The Cut]
• Betsey Johnson is redesigning her stores. Gone will be the hot-pink walls, replaced with white walls and checkerboard floors, to better display the clothes. [Racked]
• Dooney & Bourke co-founder Frederic Bourke has been sentenced to 366 days in prison and a $1 million fine for his role in a failed scheme to bribe Azeri officials into privatizing Azerbaijan's oil company, which would have essentially deprived the country of profits from its greatest national resource. Bourke is appealing. [WWD]
• Model Karmen Pedaru spent a year as goalie on an Estonian national soccer team. [W]
• Funny, the only item this list of How To Look Like Gisele Bundchen is missing is: being born to look like Gisele Bundchen. (OK, so Nars Orgasm is bog standard by now, but $475 moisturizer? Come on.) [Blackbook]
• The BHV — pretty much the most awesome department store in Paris — is getting Beth Ditto and Jean-Charles de Castelbajac to do its holiday windows. Meanwhile, stately old Printemps has Natalia Vodianova. [WWD]
• The British Fashion Council will give an award to the winner of a public vote on who best "embodies the spirit of London." Nominees include Alexa Chung, Kate Moss, and Vivienne Westwood. [BFC]
• Jeffrey Monteiro might be taking over as head designer at Bill Blass. [WWD]
• Liz Lange is launching a lifestyle shopping site, apparently kind of like Gilt crossed with Daily Candy. [Crains]
• People are trying to save Luella on the Internet. [Fashionista]
• The Gossip Girl timeline is apparently now forever divided by the caesura of the Threesome; say Before The Threesome or After The Threesome, and everyone immediately knows what you mean. The boys on the show have been wearing a lot of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's line, Elizabeth & James, People notes. [People]
• Jason Wu is doing a capsule collection for Tse this spring. [WWD]
• Anthropologie is the most profitable of the three Urban Outfitters brands, quarterly results reveal. [TS]
• Marie Osmond is licensing her name to a fashion and home decor line. Every last piece in the Marie Lifestyle Collection will retail for under $100. Expect to see it in stores later this month. [UPI]
• Donna Karan's West Indies home is currently making us cry bitter tears of envy from our very black souls. [SB]

My colleagues and I are convinced that one of our co-workers is insane. The details are bizarre and too numerous to go through, but as an example, when collecting clothes for needy children we found that this worker, who admitted to never having been in a relationship, mentioned that he had a basement full of toddler clothing. When I told him about an encounter with a pushy beggar, he said: "You should have sliced his hand off with my knife." I have this fear that something bizarre will happen and then when the police ask: "Were there any signs?" we'd answer: "Sure, tons of them." Yet what were we going to do? Go to human resources and tell them he's crazy?

Dorothy Parker: Sticks and stones are mighty harsh/But beat your body in a marsh.

Soapy Smith: "Collecting clothes for needy children?" I know that game.

Lizzie Borden: Don't you travel with your own weapons?

Michel Foucault: Maybe you're insane.

Marie Antoinette: What are these "coworkers" of which you speak?

Jesus Christ: Y'know, you should really be more careful how you treat beggars. That's all I'll say. Verily.

Sigmund Freud: And who are you, Freud?

Jeffrey Dahmer: In his defense, there are much worse things you could have in your basement.

Robert Frost: Good fences make good neighbors.

Oscar Wilde: At least madness would be amusing; this is tedious.

Henry Darger: What? Some of us really like toddlers. And sometimes the state won't let us adopt, okay?

Baby Jane Hudson: Exactly! How else are you supposed to do musical numbers?

Jack the Ripper: Hand? Then they can identify you! That's why the lord made "disemboweling."

Franz Kafka: You say "something bizarre" like that's a bad thing.

Jane Austen: One may live a very full life without a "relationship," Sir.

Jack Kerouac: Fuck offices.

DearLucy [Financial Times]

• Chris Brown was sentenced today to 5 years probation and 180 days of community labor. The judge said she's aware of the rumors that he and Rihanna are in touch and won't tolerate a violation of the protective order.

• She ordered Chris not to assault or threaten Rihanna, or even speak to her on the phone or through a third party. He has to stay 100 years away from her, or 10 yards away if they're at an industry event. The judge said she wants Chris to do hard work for his community service, like washing cars or removing graffiti. He has to pay several fines, can't own weapons, and must complete a 52 week domestic violence program. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin says being paid to have your life filmed is hard work. "I wish I had a 9 to 5 job instead of the nightmare I'm living. This is 24/7," he said. "I don't even want to do taping for the show anymore." [Us]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin are feuding over money. Jon says Kate is hiding assets from him and Kate says he's wasting the kids' money on taking various female friends on vacation, buying sports cars, and renting a pricy New York apartment. [Radar Online]
• Amy Winehouse is suing ex Blake Fielder-Civil's mother for selling one of the letters she wrote him while he was in jail. [The Sun]
• During a trip to Las Vegas Paris Jackson went to a salon with one of her aunts and got what she said was her first haircut. [People]
• Lisa Marie Presley says Christine White, the former nanny who is suing her for not getting meal breaks and having to work 7 days a week, actually took frequent breaks in her own guest house on the property and had chefs and other staff at her disposal. Presley says, "Ms. White's self-entitlement became more and more severe as she became exposed to the various 'perks' she was given on the job." [TMZ]
• Ola Ray, the woman who starred in the "Thriller" video, sued Michael Jackson in May claiming she wasn't paid enough. Now she's filed a creditor's claim against his estate. [TMZ]
• Steven Tyler says he's recovering from breaking his shoulder after jumping off the stage at a show, saying, "I've been better. I've got my arm in a sling. I'm on all the drugs I'm not supposed to be on. But I'm dealing with the pain pretty good." He joked that he jumped off the stage because the band needed publicity. As for the rumors that he was drunk during the incident he joked, "Do I sound fucked up or stoned?" [Rolling Stone]
• Shia LaBeouf was seen cuddling and kissing his Money Never Sleeps co-star Carey Mulligan at a cafe in New York on Sunday. [People]
• Officials from the Church of Bulgaria are urging people not to attend a Madonna concert in the country this weekend because they say she "openly violates" Christian symbols and displays "a disrespectful and intolerant attitude" toward Christians. [AP]
• Debi Mazar says that her best friend Madonna is excited that she'll be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars (with dancing partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy). "She's really excited for me," said Mazar. "She was on her way to Budapest and she just said, "Oh, my God! How great! And you are dancing with Russians-how lucky are you?!" [E!]
• Marissa Jaret Winokur joked that she didn't write her weight loss blog for People last week because she "called in fat." [People]
• Brandi Glanville says she had an idea that her husband Eddie Cibrian was attracted to LeAnn Rimes when they went on a double date with LeAnn and her husband Dean Sheremet. Glanville says she's used to woman throwing themselves at Eddie but, "it was different this time. It was a little more reciprocated." She says that Rimes and Sheremet "were very touchy-feely. They seemed happy. [But] I felt like it was almost like 'I love my husband. I'm not after your husband.'" [People]
• In the next few weeks Wikipedia will introduce a system to check new entries about famous people before they go live to prevent false entries. [Telegraph]
• Javier Bardem, John Leguizamo, Penelope Cruz and Rosario Dawson will be honored at the ALMA awards on September 17, which celebrate Latino achievement in entertainment. [Hollywood Reporter]
• TLC members Rozonda Thomas and Tionne Watkins (a.k.a. Chilli and T-Boz) will perform together for the first time in six years at the Justin Timberlake and Friends concert in Las Vegas on October 17. [Rolling Stone]
• At the link is a two minute video of Jasmine Fiore shot in 2005 when she hosted a promotional segment for a Las Vegas clothing store. [Radar Online]
• Jordan denied the rumors that she's pregnant with Alex Reid's baby, writing on her website, "No no no its sooo not true looks like ill have to pee on the preggie stick to prove this not engaged of getting married x [sic]." [The Sun]
• True Blood had 5.3 million viewers on Sunday, making it the show's highest rated episode ever. [Entertainment Weekly]
• Alyssa Milano and David Bugliari are on their honeymoon at an undisclosed South Pacific resort. A friend of the couple says, "They've already celebrated their one-week anniversary." [People]
• BBC Radio Ulster is in trouble with a media regulating agency because Tony Curtis called in to a radio show in the middle of the day and said "bastards," "bullshit," and "fuck off." He didn't realize the show was live. [The Guardian]
• Patrick Stewart saw a ghost while performing Waiting For Godot with Ian McKellen at the Theatre Royal Haymarket, which many believe is haunted. Stewart saw a man standing in the wings wearing 19th century garb and told McKellen during intermission, "I just saw a ghost. On stage, during Act One." [Telegraph]
• "I think of myself as a funny guy but nobody thinks I'm funnier than my daughters. We have three dogs. If I act like one of the dogs with the dogs, they go crazy. It's like we're talking Richard Pryor in his heyday." — Jerry O'Connell [People]
• "In the mid-'90s, my dad said to me 'Son, you've got all of your eggs in one basket and you are living and dying by music,'" says Billy Ray Cyrus. "He said 'I want you to have a career like Kenny Rogers.'" Billy Ray took his dad's advice and became and actor, winning a role in Mulholland Drive. [CNN]
• "Tabloids were my text books, I'd tear out pages. I embrace pop culture; everything that people say is poisonous, ostentatious and shallow. It's like my chemistry book. I look though everything and make what I believe is art out of it." — Lady Gaga [CNN]

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson: On the rocks??? Apparently LL loves to party and Sam is shuns the spotlight; plus Sam's a thoughtful person and isn't sure how she comes across in this "celebrity romance." Gah. [Daily Mail]
• Wait a minute! Sam proposed?! While she and Lindsay were on vacay in Mexico! With a Cartier diamond ring! [ONTD]
• Holy crap: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were seen kissing on Monday in California. They flew in to L.A. together on a private plane; hugged and kissed and then went their separate ways. Then again, the source is The National Enquirer. Hmm. [Perez Hilton]
• Jen and Vince together again in a sequel to The Break-Up? This just seems false. [Daily Express]
• Actor Guillaume Depardieu, son of French movie star Gerard Depardieu, died yesterday of complications from pneumonia. He was 37. [USA Today]
• Maureen McCormick, aka Marcia Brady, is spilling all in her new memoir: depression, drug addiction, abortions, trading sex for drugs and engaging in full-on binges at the Playboy Mansion. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! [E!]

• Prince performed in NYC over the weekend but told the audience to turn off their cellphones — which were interfering with the sound system — or "there may not be a show." Anderson Cooper was there. [Page Six]
• Russell Crowe has been cutting down on his drinking. "But tequila and I are still good friends, and vodka and I still get on. It’s just the dark drinks that don’t seem to bring out the best of my personality." [Daily Express]
• Is Kate Moss giving up drinking too? For Jamie Hince? [Mirror]
• If you haven't had enough Brad/Angelina/W magazine stuff, and you're curious how the photo shoot concept came about, click here. Hint: It has to do with Elizabeth Taylor, Bruce Weber, eBay and film that hasn't been manufactured for four years. [W]
• Simon Cowell's American Idol salary: $36 million a year. Paula Abdul's American Idol salary: $5 to $8 million a year. [MSNBC]
• Travis Barker, blogging from his hospital bed: "Despite any rumors you might have heard via my EX-wife Shanna Moakler, who I have not seen since the week I checked in, I've been treated amazingly well, both here in LA and in Georgia. The hospitals I've been treated at are THE BEST." [E!]
• A report, not a review, of Katie Holmes on Broadway: "She isn’t bad. She’s up against some real pro’s, and she holds her own. Like most movie and TV actors, her voice and projection need work. But she knows her lines, appears to understand the character, and does not embarrass herself at all." [Fox 411]
• Diddy sold his Rolls-Royce Phantom last week, but only because he's getting a new Rolls convertible. [Page Six]
• The person who wrote the lyrics and melody for Beyoncé's new song, "If I Were A Boy," is named BC Jean. But Beyoncé's father tried to get Beyonce’s name on the writing credits. [Fox 411]
• Nicole Richie filmed a guest spot on NBC's Chuck and played a bully with a "great fight scene." [People]
• Sharon Osbourne has a problem with Nicole Kidman — "she's got a forehead like a fucking flatscreen TV" — and other plastic surgery fans who pretend nothing has happened: "Oh my God! Those liars! I hate them! Those bitches! They are like, 'I didn't do anything.' Meanwhile, their eyebrows are here. Lying bitch!" [The Sun]
• Johnny Depp's ladyfriend, Vanessa Paradis, says, they are not getting married. "Each summer people say we're supposed to be getting married, but we don't talk about it that much. He's got me, and he knows he's got me." She also says she gets why women want to mob him: "I understand. I want to mob him all the time, I do. He's a very charming person." [People]
• David and Victoria Beckham's housekeepers deny stealing personal items from the house to sell on eBay. Guess who saw the stuff online and reported it to the cops? Vicky's parents. [Daily Mail]
• OMG. Kate Middleton caught talking on the phone while driving. The horror! [Telegraph]
• Rapper T.I. has a number one album and has to go to jail for weapons possession. He says he's "a little anxious" about prison. As for buying guns, he explains, "You know how many attempts have been made against my life? There are people out there that would rather kill you than to tell you, 'Good luck' or 'I am happy for you.' So, until you understand that, you wouldn't understand my train of thought. Not to say it was right. It's just my best explanation." [UPI]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is talking about her body again! "I'm getting ready to turn 30 and get married and all those things," she says. "This year was my year to try to glow from within and feel better." So: "I work out about four or five days a week." She's perfecting her pushup and she thinks the plank pose is "very cool." [People]
• Mark Wahlberg. Gonna marry the lady who gave birth to his three kids. Say hi to your mother for me. [E!]
• Boy George called Little Britain star Matt Lucas a "prissy, niggly diva" back in 2002. He later attempted to apologize but Lucas didn't respond. [Daily Express]
• Richard Gere says: "I stopped reading the press a long time ago. Lots of crazy things came up about me at first, especially from the tabloids. There is an infamous 'Gere stuck a hamster up his bum' urban myth." But! As Michael Musto points out, it was a gerbil rumor. Hmm. [Village Voice]
• Kenny Chesney on his new album: "It's no secret—there are about four or five songs that are about Renée [Zellweger]." [E!]
• Blake Incarcerated's mom says: "I don't think rehab is the answer." She thinks Blake needs to come home to her. Plus she says: "I don't speak to Amy. I feel all the media attention on Amy has probably had an impact on my son's release." Ya think? [People]
• Janet Jackson has canceled more concerts. She still has not made a statement about what kind of illness she has. [AP]
• Uh, was Jermaine Dupri told by Janet Jackson's people, "You're not her boyfriend anymore." ??? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Clark Gable's granddaughter Kayley is a fucking mess. [TMZ]
• Shannen Doherty has agreed to do two additional episodes on 90210. But seriously, no one is watching anymore, right? [LA Times]
• Lethal Weapon 5: Not happening. "Mel turned it down," director Richard Donner says. [LA Times]
• Kevin Spacey: Visiting professor at Oxford University. Pish posh, pip pip, cheerio! [The Star]
• Wanna see Roseanne riff on John McCain and "a nation run by old men on Viagra" ? Click the link! [Guardian]
• Lisa Marie Presley's twin girls are named Finley and Harper. [People]
• Lance Bass's ex, Reichen Lehmkuhl, has been posting personal trainer ads on Craigslist. [Perez Hilton]
• George Michael is coming out of "retirement" to perform at an exclusive show in Abu Dhabi next month. [Mirror]
• "He's one of the funniest human beings alive." — Dick Van Dyke on Ricky Gervais. [The Star]
• "[Heath Ledger] never involved himself in Hollywood and he didn't want to be a celebrity. He wanted to be an actor. I love acting. I just don't like the current state of the movie business and what is released. The rest of the world makes movies that mean something some of the time. In America, we don't." — Billy Bob Thornton, who worked with Ledger in Monster's Ball. [Daily Express]
• "There's nothing wrong with Disney, but my benchmarks are more West Side Story meets Jesus Christ Superstar. I'm trying to write a musical that will be relevant to a 16-year-old today, a rite of passage for a young girl into womanhood." — Tori Amos, who is working on a feminist fairytale, to be completed by 2010. [Independent]
• "Breast cancer helped me put myself first in life. Once I stepped out of radiation, I had to remember that the only person who could take care of me was me. I'd better do that before I take care of everybody else, instead of everybody else first." — Sheryl Crow. [People]
• "One of the best things about America is that we are a melting pot, a mix of many, many different races and nations. Yes, they have their own nationalities and are very proud of them, but that certainly doesn't diminish the fact that they're American. To me, that is what being American is." — Angelina Jolie on her kids. [Perez Hilton]
• "[Barack Obama] is still so new. He seems like a strong leader. We'll see." — Lauren Bush. [Page Six]