When Dita von Teese is in full deco mode - well, there's simply no arguing! She's Nora Charles fab.


Audrey Kitching is, apparently, a "Model, Hairdresser and 'Scenequeen'" and if her goal was attention, her confectionary coif is achieving it!


Margaret Cho manages to look adorable in the face of considerable sartorial opposition - including a jacket that looks like it was borrowed from a member of the original Princeton a cappella group, "the Tiger Tones," whom I once saw perform "Goodbye My Coney Island Baby" at a summer program.


Mayte Garcia is stunning, I adore the shape of this skirt and the "Think Pink!" esprit of the whole shebang. But there's something oddly peasant-blouse-y about the bodice, and I'd love to see a different shoe.


Jewel does realize she's standing next to Perez Hilton, right? Or does she just think he's a dude with a love of Cross Colors? Either way, love the fixed deer-in-headlights smile.


Relief! What say you about Jewel's cross-cultural melange?


Solange Knowles: My Man Godfrey on top, Studio 54 on the bottom!


Jodi Lynn O' Keefe's getup may be sweet, but she's not messing around! Backing...away...slowly.


This is Dita's original cocktail, the "Cointreau Teese:
4 cl (1 1/2oz) Cointreau
2 cl (3/4oz) Apple juice
1,5 cl (1/2oz) Monin violet syrup
1,5 cl (1/2oz) Fresh lemon juice
Frost ginger around the rim of the glass


[Images via Getty]

Times staff writer Maria Elena Fernandez spoke with Drop Dead Diva creator Josh Berman (he's worked on CSI and Bones), who feels that the show has a message: "All of us have felt like outsiders at some point in our lives whether because of the way we look or we're not as smart or not as rich. This is what this show is. It's about a woman who always fit in and now she doesn't. And she's learning that not fitting in is not necessarily a bad thing."

The star, Brooke Elliott, agrees: "I thought this would be a fantastic vehicle to help dispel the myth that beauty comes in one specific package." Apparently Margaret Cho found the pretense intriguing; she plays the lawyer's assistant.

Television critic Mary McNamara admits that there are some clichés with the show, which premieres Sunday night: Of course the empty-headed model/actress is blonde; and the show opens with the lawyer eating "lots of carbs." But McNamara writes:

If you were of a mind, you could concentrate on all the rather obvious plot devices and general silliness — a female client transformed by a single make-over — and pick "Drop Dead Diva" to death. But why?

Certainly, the show falls more in the fun category than the brilliant, and it's not going to change television as we know it, but with any luck, it will remind us not to take everything, including television shows, so darn seriously.

Drop Dead Diva, 'Drop Dead Diva' Mixes Brains And Beauty [LA Times]
Drop Dead Diva [Lifetime]

• Morgan Freeman is planning to marry his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines, who he raised since she was a child... if you believe The National Enquirer.

• E'Dena is the granddaughter of his first wife, but Morgan raised her with his second wife. It's alleged his long, secret relationship with E'Dena is what led to his ongoing divorce from his second wife. [National Enquirer]
• Jim Carrey is going to be a grandpa! His daughter Jane Carrey and her boyfriend Alex Santana are expecting their first child. "I am very excited," said Jim, "Jane is going to be a great mom." [Radar Online]
• In an interview with Larry King, Michael Jackson's dermatologist Arnie Klein admitted that he gave him Demerol, but only "on occasion" to sedate him. He said he donated to a sperm bank once, but not specifically to MJ, and said at one point that he's not the father of Michael's kids. [TMZ]
• Two sources close to the Jacksons said Janet Jackson tried to stage an intervention for Michael Jackson two years ago with the help of her brothers, but MJ just ordered security to stop letting family members in and even stopped taking calls from his mom. "If you tried to deal with him, he would shut you out," one source said. "You just wouldn't hear from him for long periods." [CNN]
• People couldn't figure out how Michael Jackson's casket got out of the Staples Center undetected, but it has been revealed that it was taken though an underground maintenance tunnel and loaded into a van, which took the casket to a refrigerated mortuary storage at an undisclosed location. Mystery solved! [E!]
• According to California law, Joe and Katherine Jackson get the final decision in where to bury Michael. [MSNBC]
• In a new interview Nadya Suleman talks about Michael Jackson's death, because obviously we're just dying for her input. As for the reports that Michael wanted to adopt her octuplets, she says, "That's funny. That's a rumor." [Radar Online]
• The BBC has received 473 complaints about its coverage of Michael Jackson's memorial service. Most were complaining that two channels were devoted to the service, and others were annoyed that their shows were preempted. [The Telegraph]
• Maureen McCormick says that Eve Plumb is the only Brady Bunch cast member who won't be on Oprah's reunion show next season because she's upset about a lesbian rumor Maureen started as a joke. Eve said through her agent: "No one from Oprah called. We haven't turned down anything. There is no feud." [The Daily Express]
• In what is possibly the most insane lawsuit ever, a woman who calls herself the "most beautifiliest angel lusefer" and claims to be the "reincarnation of Venus Aphrodite Demilo" is suing Hugh Hefner for $3 billion because she claims he's part of a pedophile ring and hid under her bed when she was five so he could assault her. [TMZ]
• Red City Entertainment is suing Lil Wayne because the group allegedly paid him $432,000 for a concert appearance in the Bahamas, but he didn't show up. When police went to investigate, they found Lil Wayne unconscious in his hotel room. [TMZ]
• WTF? Someone vandalized Ed McMahon's Hollywood Walk Of Fame star. [LAist]
• Debbie Matenopoulos and Jay Faires divorce still isn't over because they're fighting over their $4.3 million house. Faires wants to sell it but Matenopoulous is stalling. [TMZ]
• Patricia Arquette has called off her divorce from Hung star Thomas Jane. [TMZ]
• Mariska Hargitay says she was "so scared" when she suffered a collapsed lung on the set of Law and Order: SVU while doing a stunt. "At first I thought I had the wind knocked out of me," she said, so she just ignored the injury for three months. She kept experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath and eventually she realized she needed help when it worsened and she felt, "sort of like someone stabbed me. I went down on one knee and just couldn't catch my breath." [People]
• The sixth season of Top Chef will premiere on August 26 and Natalie Portman will guest star in an episode this season. [E!]
• In her most recent GOOP newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow writes that she was about to drop a few pounds recently thanks to a juice detox diet. "I feel pure and happy and much lighter," she wrote, "I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious 'relax and enjoy life phase' about a month ago... This program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox." [Us]
• Bono has been granted permission by the city of Dublin to install a wood-pellet boiler to heat his Victorian mansion. [The Independent]
• A homeless man Stephen Baldwin let live on his property in New York was busted for heroin possession. Baldwin was trying to help him get his life back together. [TMZ]
• Fifteen dogs will be selected to appear in the national tour of the 101 Dalmatians Musical. Most will be rescue dogs. [USA Today]
• Do you want to look like Heidi Pratt? If so, check out her new downloadable workout series. [People]
• Tom Green and Lindsay Lohan both recently claimed that their Twitter accounts were hacked, but E! thinks it may be a convenient excuse for when a Tweet doesn't go over well. [E!]
• Joel Madden says British Airways never apologized for making him cover up his tattoos before boarding their flight. "I wasn't really mad about it," he said. "But after the fact, I go, That was really wrong, actually." Still, he's not going to sue. [E!]
• You'd think with all the Hitler and Josef Fritzl jokes, Austrians wouldn't like Bruno, but they're embracing the film. "This man is proud of his homeland, so we're proud of him," said one woman, "Austria has a new ambassador. Thanks, Bruno!" [Breitbart]
• Sinitta, who dated Simon Cowell on and off for 16 years says, "On and off, because Simon was a horrible cheat! He was a horrible cheat. He was always disappearing and stuff, you know, and I'd have to work and he'd almost be laughing as he waved me off on a plane to Japan, like: 'Great, I'm going to have a really good time while you're away'." He allegedly hit on her sister and her best friend while they were together. [The Sun]
• Hayden Panettiere says she was bullied in high school: "I was tortured, emotionally tortured by these girls. Every time I came back from filming, it would be me trying to find my way back into the clique. And they weren't having it." [Just Jared]
• Roseanne Barr has decided it's a good time to go after Michael Jackson on those molestation charges. She wrote on her blog: 'If Michael Jackson thought Jordie's dad was ripping him off, he should have stood up in court and fought, like innocent people do. Innocent people do not choose to avoid trials where they are accused of sexually abusing children. They fight, knowing that this is the worst thing in the world to be accused of if innocent. They do not pay millions of dollars to make non existent charges go away! For any celeb to have been a part of glorifying and excusing the unforgivable actions of an obviously guilty predator, I say...Shame on you." [Roseanne World]
• "I'll literally pay three Hollywood readers who don't know me to read my scripts under the radar and give cold comments. And at the early screenings of my movies, I'll hand out questionnaires that can be filled out anonymously so people can be brutally honest because to your face they won't be. I'll take the papers home, read them by myself, cry and go 'My God, that was the coolest scene and everybody hates it!' But that's fine because my goal is to always make it better." — Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke. [Reuters]
• Margaret Cho on the last time she made a wish: "I was eating a breakfast taco at the airport, and I found an eyelash in it. I was so disgusted, but I ate it anyway because I was hungry and tired. I wonder if I still get to make a wish. And if I do, it'd be 'I wish I didn't eat that taco.'" [OK]

• Paris Hilton's dogs live better than you do. She posted pictures via Twitter of their doghouse—for her 13 purse-sized dogs—that was designed as a mini version of her own home. [Daily Mail]

• Women who have had sex with David Carradine are beginning to come out of the woodwork, talking about the late actor's penchant for auto-erotica (which does not involve cars…maybe) and how he'd "spend days planning to construct elaborate sexual devices." [TMZ]
• The headline "FBI Allowed To Observe Carradine Probe" sounds super perverted after reading about Carradine's sex life. [CBS News]
• Diddy was seen leaving the home of Miley Cyrus. Maybe he prayed to baby Jesus for such an encounter with the star, just like Spencer Pratt did. [Perez Hilton]
• After all their back-and-forth publicity stunts on I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! Heidi and Spencer are actually trying to leave the Costa Rican jungle for good, but can't get clearance to fly from doctors who have treated Heidi there. [TMZ]
• NBC has released pictures of the "torture chamber" in which Heidi and Spencer claim they were held in solitary confinement for three days without food or water. NBC says the pair were in there for 14 hours and were given rice and beans, as well as water. [TMZ]
• Even Heidi's reps are saying that the couple's claims of abuse are false. [Us]
• Tila Tequila is "not currently pregnant." Phew! After Tweeting, and then un-Tweeting, that she was knocked up, she clarified the confusion by saying, "The point is…maybe I was pregnant, or maybe I wasn't pregnant. I think that is something very personal." She posted that on her MySpace Celebrity blog, BTW. [People]
• Bret Michaels has a fractured nose and a busted lip from his run-in with a piece of a set at last night's Tony Awards. He always sucked at head banging. [Yahoo]
• Britney Spears' conservators have filed a response to her former manager Sam Lutfi's lawsuit against her in which he seeks cash for unpaid work, as well as damages stemming from an "assault." [TMZ]
• Gwen Stefani will grace the cover of July's Elle, in which she discusses her future with No Doubt, saying, "Everybody's making it like there's all this tension, you know, like I stepped away from the band and now they're jealous of me." Yeah, who could've put that idea out there? (*Cough* "Don't Speak" video *Cough*) [Just Jared]
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was ordered to two days of community service for assaulting her ex-boyfriend in March. Her charges will be removed from her record if she completes the work and stays out of trouble for a year, which is a good thing, since she wouldn't want her name attached to something like that. [TMZ]
• Katee Sackhoff—aka Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica—will be joining the cast of 24 as a series regular next season. Frack yeah. [EW]
• Chuck Bass wants people to stop calling him fat. [E!]
• Susan Boyle is back home, well, and with her beloved Pebbles. [People]
• Danny Boyle is getting the gang back together. The director has bought the rights to turn Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found—a book penned by Slumdog Millionaire screenwriter Simon Beaufoy—into a movie that he is planning to shoot with his Slumdog team in Mumbai. [Telegraph]
• Here's news you don't get to hear that often: DMX doesn't have to go to jail. After pleading guilty to felony attempted aggravated assault, he was given 18 months probation. Yay! Party up (up in here)! [TMZ]
• Get ready for three more years of EVOO. CBS has renewed The Rachel Ray Show through 2012. [Mediaweek]
• CBS News says that Julia Roberts has a "brand new role" as a philanthropist because of her involvement with Paul Newman's Hole in the Wall Camps. The article then went on to talk about how Roberts has been involved with the organization for 13 years. [CBS News]
• Rosie O'Donnell is a fellow philanthropist, donating "in excess of $50 million" to various charities. [CBS News]
• Ashton Kutcher Tweeted that he's "gonna have nightmares" after helping his wife Demi Moore sort through her vast collection of rare dolls. There was no mention of whether any of the over 3000 dolls were robbed from a cradle. [Daily Express]
• Sherri Shepherd's Tweeting got her in trouble with her nutritional coach and trainer—who follow The View co-host on the networking site—after she posted about eating buffalo wings and fried calamari this weekend. [People]
• "Man of faith" Terry O'Quinn—who plays John Locke on Lost—was noticeably snubbed from the ballot of this year's Emmy nominations. [NY Mag]
• Pete Wentz spit on a paparazzo—who tried to take a picture of him and his wife Ashlee Simpson—at his birthday party in Vegas on Saturday night. He turned 30. [Perez Hilton]
• John Travolta will not be doing any press or promotional appearances for his latest film, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (which opens Friday) because he admittedly is still grieving the loss of his son Jett. [People]
• Are Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson back on? She's been meeting up with him on the road while Mötley Crüe is on tour, according to Vince Neil. But he also said it probably has to do with their kids. [Mirror]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin—as in Jon and Kate Plus 8— haven't been as lucky in the housing market as Paris' dogs. Their old home has been on the market for 89 days and isn't budging. Aren't they going to be needing separate residences soon anyway, to fit all their bodyguards and girlfriends? [People]
• The Humane Society is now after the Gosselins after receiving dozens of complaints about how the couple's children are abusive to the family dogs. [People]
• "He used to show me all the sex tapes of him before they got on the Internet." - John Stamos talking about hanging out with Bret Michaels when the two were neighbors a few years back. [NY Mag]
• "Could you imagine the same thing happening to Anthony Bourdain? He could have negotiated his way out with a bottle of Crown Royal and some Marlboro reds." - Margaret Cho in her call for action against North Korea's sentencing of journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling. [MySpace via ONTD]
• "Obviously there's always people can say it's cheesy, it's whatever, but to me it feels real, to me it feels I truly do it because I feel it just feels real at that moment so I just can't stop." - Enrique Iglesias not making sense, but feeling real about it. [Mirror].
• "I'll always be grateful for the sound advice, the friendship, the inspiration that Jon [Voight] gave me. Hopefully, when I'm older and wiser, I can pass on the favor to someone else. Even if it is just my cellmate." - Shia LaBeouf. [ONTD]

Earlier: •Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Feminists
• Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Michele Bachmann
•Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Perez Hilton
•Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. The Real Housewives Of New York
•Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Kathy Griffin
•Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Sarah Palin
•Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Amy Winehouse
•Conceptual Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Latarian Milton
•Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Crazy Hillary Supporters

• Rihanna's May 28 concert in the Middle East, the first since the Chris Brown assault, has been cancelled. The promoter says, "it is not appropriate timing for her." [Neon Limelight]

• Ciara's new album Fantasy Ride, which comes out tomorrow, includes a duet with Chris Brown. "Honestly, with that record, it's just more about the music for me," said Ciara. "I wanted to focus on the music and leave it at that, because it's a record that I've had for a while, I love the way it sounds and it's one of my most favorite records on the album. And if I alter it, it's not gonna sound the same." [Rolling Stone]
• A Malawi court has adjourned Madonna's adoption appeal case indefinitely. [Reuters]
• In an interview on CBS's Early Show, 15-year-old James Kambewa spoke out again against Madonna adopting his 3-year-old daughter, Mercy James, who he has never met. "I want to take care of her and I'm capable to take care of my baby," he said. "Mercy, she is a Malawian-so [I] need her to grow as a Malawian, as well with our culture." [E!]
• Here's a higher quality video of the fan who rushed on stage during a Britney Spears concert. Supposedly you can "see the fear in her face." [Perez Hilton]
• In this video chat, Pink says of the incident this weekend in which she denied that she is bisexual, that she marched against prop 8 and has spoken out on gay rights, so "if I were gay, do you really think I would have a problem coming out? There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with being bisexual. I would be waving my fucking flag all over the place, but it's not my truth." [Perez Hilton]
• In this video from Beyonce's concert in Rotterdam the lights don't go on at the right time and she sings, "somebody's getting fired." [Perez Hilton]
• Roman Polanski's lawyer told a judge that the director won't appear at a hearing this week to seek dismissal of the sexual assault case against him, and argued that Polanski's presence is unnecessary. [AP]
• In a story that gives some disturbing insight into the U.S. legal system, the Supreme Court has ordered a federal appeals court to consider reinstating a $550,000 fine that the FCC imposed on CBS over Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Super Bowl. The case had been put off while courts dealt with the FCC's policy on "fleeting" cursing. [L.A. Times]
• Days after being hospitalized for "dehydration," Amy Winehouse was spotted frolicking on the beach with a mystery man at her resort in St Lucia. You can check him out here: [The Daily Mail]
• George Clooney will testify against two former waitresses who say Rande Gerber sexually harassed them. Clooney, who was an eyewitness, will take a lie detector test to back up his claim that the allegations are false. [TMZ]
• Two bystanders were harmed during the filming of a Nicolas Cage movie in Times Square when a car skidded and knocked over a lamp post. Their injuries are not life threatening. [TMZ]
• One of Jamie Foxx's friends, who is not identified, said of Foxx insulting Miley Cyrus, "He almost lost it completely on The Soloist, so it's little wonder he went nuts on Miley like that. I mean, people just don't know how close to the edge he really was." [E!]
• Robert Duvall is campaigning to stop the construction of a Wal-Mart Supercenter near a Virginia Civil War battlefield where Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee first fought Ulysses S. Grant. Duvall is a descendant of Lee. [AP]
• Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets, is being sued, but lawyer Gloria Allred won't reveal her client's identity. She says it's, "an attempt to protect Nadya Suleman's children." [TMZ]
• Dennis Rodman has agreed to go enter an outpatient rehab program, after his friends and family staged an intervention to get him to go to an inpatient facility. "Yes, they tried an intervention, but unfortunately Dennis refused to go," says Rodman's rep. "We all know how amazing he is when sober, and we hope he gets there soon." [E!]
• Jennifer Hudson is taking a break from her national tour this week so that doctors can treat a throat condition related to her singing. [E!]
• Twilight and Slumdog Millionaire lead the MTV Movie Award nominations. The show will air on May 31. [People]
• Here's a video of P. Diddy and Russell Brand hanging out in Las Vegas. [RussellBrand.tv]
• Russell Brand was dining with P. Diddy at Tao in Las Vegas, as was Holly Madison. "Russell and Holly were flirting with each other all night," a source says. [E!]
• Later this month Paula Abdul will release a new single titled, "Here For The Music." [L.A. Times]
• Jessica Alba says her 11 month old daughter Honor Marie is "getting new teeth every day," and "doesn't walk, but she's crawling around and pulling herself up," and is always "covered in lots of drool." [People]
• Katie Wright, who is expecting her first child with boyfriend Hank Azaria, says the baby is "going to come out already knowing all the voices," of The Simpsons characters his dad voices. [People]
• Natascha McElhone of Californication says she almost lost her home after her husband died suddenly at 43 without a will, a day after the their 10th wedding anniversary when she was pregnant with their third child. She says, "We thought he'd be the cash-flow guy, and I'd be the investor in our little team. So it was unbelievably stressful and that's why I'm so amazed that my pregnancy was fine, and nothing went wrong." [The Telegraph]
• At a benefit for the Padres Contra El Cáncer and Childrens Hospital Los Angeles, Eva Longoria said being around the kids makes her think about adopting. "They're resilient and they're hopeful and they're happy. They're amazing human beings, and to go through something like that and yet still be as strong as they [are], it really inspires me. I could only wish to have children as strong as the kids I've worked with," she said. [E!]
• Trent Reznor is engaged to Mariqueen Maandig of the band West Indian Girl. [MTV]
• Eminem says he's recovered from a drug addiction that ws so bad he was taking as many as 20 Vicodin, Ambien, and Valium a day. "The numbers got so high, I don't even know what I was taking," said Eminem. He nearly overdosed on pills a friend gave him that turned out to be methadone. "My doctor told me the amount of methadone I'd taken was equivalent to shooting up four bags of heroin," Eminem said, noting that had he known, "I probably wouldn't have taken it. But as bad as I was back then, I can't even say 100 percent for sure." [People]
• Marie Osmond, says that after she lost 45 pounds, in 2007 her 19-year-old daughter, Rachael, "went into my closet and threw everything away and said, 'I'm dressing you now because you are hot, and then I can borrow your clothes,'" Osmond says. "She said: 'No more long jackets, no more full skirts. You don't need to hide anything now. You just need to hide your credit card from me.' " [USA Today]
• Alexis Bledel says she is interested in doing a film in Spanish, her native language. She says, "Spanish is my first language-but since I don't look stereotypically Hispanic, it's hard to get cast in those sorts of Spanish-language films. I mean, if someone is making a film about a social issue that affects Mexican factory workers, I don't want to barge in and suggest that I should star in it. I don't want anyone to sacrifice the integrity of their story, in other words. But I'd love to do a film in Spanish. [Wall Street Journal]
• Tom Hanks said of Julia Roberts liberally using the F-word at a ceremony honoring him at Lincoln Center. Hanks said, "She laid into me, and then everybody else started doing the same thing. She is so much of a template, that lady! Everybody loves [Julia], and she decided to get right to the point and cut loose and turn the evening into what it was really meant to be because how much can you hear about 'nice guy' and 'quality work'?" [E!]
• When asked about her plus-size co-star on her new show Drop Dead Diva Margaret Cho said, "I don't think of her as plus-size. I just think of her as beautiful. I think people are going to fall in love with Brooke and the character Jane and realize that beauty comes in all sizes. That's something we are trying to promote with the show. The idea of being plus-size is somewhat ridiculous, because most women are. I mean, I am, and most women are." [CNN]
• "Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds." - Shia LaBeouf. [Star]

• Brad Pitt's mom was supposed to move into the Long Island estate where the posse is staying while Angelina Jolie films Salt, but Angelina has reportedly nixed the idea.

She thinks Brad should be able to handle the kids on his own, like she did when he was filming in Germany, according to a source. No word on what is up with the nanny, but that was a Star story and this is from a different source. [National Enquirer]

• Jen Aniston and John Mayer have indeed broken up. [Gatecrasher]
• It's official: Dancing With The Stars is a goddamn health hazard. Now Steve-O has pinched nerves. [ET]
• Injured Jewel will sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on DWTS on Tuesday. [UPI]
• Bong boy Michael Phelps's interview with Matt Lauer will air on the Today show this morning and again Sunday on Dateline. [ET]
• Here's what you're gonna hear Michael Phelps say during the interview: "mistake," "bad judgment," "stupid mistake." Wait, do you regret it? [People]
• Last week, four of the celeb weeklies put Rihanna on the cover, and none of them saw an increase in sales. Life & Style had a picture of Jennifer Aniston on the cover, and sold more than sister mag In Touch. [NY Post]
• Chris Brown's image still appears on Sony Music's website. [NY Daily News]
• Details on Mandy Moore's wedding to Ryan Adams: The bride wore a "cream-colored, lacy tea-length dress and flat sandals" and the groom wore "tight skinny jeans, a T-shirt with sport coat and sneakers." The pastor "didn't know who they were." The ceremony took eight minutes. [People]
• The woman is dead but Anna Nicole Smith's legal issues live on: Now Howard K. Stern has turned himself in for providing ANS with prescription drugs. He was arrested and booked yesterday and the charge is a felony. [TMZ, People, Fox 411]
• This report begins, "Let's stop encouraging Joaquin Phoenix's miscreant behavior - the only thing real about this rap act is the beard." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Joaquin's "brawl": "It was a fake fight," says a witness. "Nobody threw a punch. They were just holding onto each other." [Page Six]
• Here's what Hayden Panettiere has to say about that "outburst" she had on the red carpet: "I have tremendous respect for the media and reporters – particularly the press who treat the people they are interviewing with dignity. While in Hawaii, one reporter grabbed me suddenly from behind and frightened me. It happens. Typically, the press has treated me with great respect." [Ok!]
  
• Will Slumdog's Freida Pinto be the new Bond girl? Signs point to yes. [The Sun]
• Kelly Killoren Bensimon may have "beaten up" her boyfriend to make sure she stays on Real Housewives. People are saying the attack was fake. [Gatecrasher]
• Someone is leaving House. Who, who? Also, Judy Greer is in an episode next week. She says: "[My character] works at a nursing home and there's a cat, and whoever's bed the cat sleeps on dies in the next couple of days. And then one day the cat snuggled up to my character and she totally freaks out and goes to see House..." [E!]
• Miley Cyrus wanted to meet Radiohead after the Grammys. She was told they "don't do that." She says: "I left 'cause I was so upset. I wasn't going to watch them. Stinkin' Radiohead! I'm going to ruin them. I'm going to tell everyone." Radiohead responds: "When Miley grows up, she'll learn not to have such a sense of entitlement." [Mirror]
• Feel like doing a *headdesk*? Peaches Geldof will be in a reality show about her "career" at Nylon magazine. [The Sun]
• No one wants you to forget that auction documents show that Michael Jackson's house was filled with sculptures of boys. [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton has a job! She's been cast in a CW show produced by Ashton Kutcher. "Ashton developed it about his life growing up as a model from Iowa, so it's about the whole fashion world that he was in, and obviously I have a lot of friends in the fashion world, so I'm used to being around a lot of people in that," Barton says. "[I play] a bitchy model-type character, like it's a totally different character for me." [People]
• Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson did an SNL skit about Hawaii's tourist industry and now the Governor of that state is pissed. [CBS News]
• Congrats to Cesar Milan, the dog whisperer, who is now a U.S. citizen. [People]
• Hugh Hefner is selling his house. Not the Playboy Mansion — the one next door, where his wife was living. [WSJ]
• OutKast's André Benjamin says it's tough being a fashion designer because people think "hip-hop stars will just throw their names on anything." And: "I'm not a gay man." [Page Six]
• Set your DVR: Tracy Pollan (Mrs. Michael J. Fox) is playing Natalee Holloway's mom in a Lifetime movie. [USA Today]
• Nicollette Sheridan could return to Desperate Housewives after she leaves this season. The show's creator says: "I wouldn't be surprised if that's just a nasty rumour and Nicollette has more Desperate Housewives episodes in her future." [Mirror]
• Vin Diesel says his life has changed in "an incredible way" since the birth of his daughter last year. [Mirror]
• Chris Cornell not only has a new Timbaland-produced album coming out, he has a second career as a restauranteur. In Paris. [Guardian]
• A screenwriter is suing the makers of the Jane Fonda/Jennifer Lopez flick Monster-In-Law, accusing them of stealing her plot. Sorta late, no? [E!]
• Researchers with too much time on their hands have "discovered" that if you listen to U2, you're smart, and if you listen to Lil Wayne, you're not. [The Sun]
• Whatever happened to Mary Stuart Masterson? She's in a new indie called The Cake Eaters. [LA Times]
• Least blind blind item ever? "Which rapper threatened a pal after the buddy mistreated his girlfriend? The icon got in his face, then froze him out on the group's private jet." [Gatecrasher]
• "I certainly try my best not to be a terrible interview subject. But I am tortured. If you've been acting all your life, you can just talk about yourself without ever thinking about what's going on inside the head of the person that's interviewing you. But for me it's different, because I'm constantly seeing it from both sides. I don't think there's any connection between my journalism career and my film career." — Greg Kinnear. [Independent]
• "I think that the best way to judge movies is, like, 10 years after they're released. I think they should actually do the awards that way. I think they should have done the Academy Awards this year for movies from 1998. I think it's better to look at a movie and then step back and look at it again. I don't think that the awards necessarily get it right. I think they get it wrong more often than they get it right." — Matt Damon, to Parade. [MSNBC]
• "For me this thing happened so long ago and I just really wish people could move on from it. I don't live in the past. When I read headlines about me saying 'When she was 15 her mother shot her father' it's very sensational for me.It happened 18 years ago. Since then I've had a complete, full life and, my God, if I've been living the past 18 years in the past because of one event that happened in my life someone should put a gun to my head and put me out of my misery because that's a waste of my life. I am 33 and I have had a much bigger life than that one event." — Charlize Theron. [Daily Mail]
• "I'm probably a lot more boring than I used to be and more tired at night. You can't fake it. It's like when it's bedtime, it's bedtime. I go to bed earlier and I get up earlier. I think being a parent changes everything about you in really little ways and in ways that you don't really understand unless you have kids. It's kind of like describing a guitar chord - it's not really a simple thing to do." — Matt Damon, to Parade. [Mirror]
• "Before we were married, my wife and I used to play a game called Let's Go Get Lost. We'd be driving, and she would just tell me to turn. 'Turn here, turn here, turn here.' I'd say, 'Baby, I know this town too well. I can't get lost.' And she'd say, "Turn, turn, turn." Until we were out in Indian country, and they were shooting at us." — Tom Waits. [GQ]
• "I'm kind of frightened of the red carpet. I really am. And, you know, it gets worse. At one time, you could just come down the line, meet the fans, see the film and hopefully a good night is had by all. It's changed. You have people checking out your dress from the minute you step onto the carpet and then, you know, it's a hit or miss. That can be more frightening than the premiere." — Julia Roberts. [CBS News]
• "I'm currently in the writing process. I'm learning how to play music and write song, but they're comedy songs. Because I can't write music or play very well - actually, I have quite a bit of musical aptitude when it comes to the guitar, but I don't know how to write music - I'm collaborating with different artists who are giving me the music while I provide the lyrics. Two of the people I'm collaborating with will be performing with me at SXSW - Patty Griffin and Amanda Palmer [of the Dresden Dolls]. [The songs] are all pretty dirty. The titles are things like, 'I'm In Love With Someone Else So Fuck You' and 'Eat Shit and Die.'" — Margaret Cho, who is performing at SXSW… as a musician. [Time]

• OMG! Project Runway's Tim Gunn will host the red-carpet arrivals at the official Academy Awards pre-show? Genius. Good Morning America's Robin Roberts and Entertainment Weekly's Jess Cagle will join him. Excellent. Carry on! [Variety]

• Prince is having an late-night Oscar bash, and Prince has decided that Prince will perform. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Oh dear: An L.A. woman has filed a $4 billion class action lawsuit against Miley Cyrus, claiming the Disney teen knowingly mocked Asians in a recent photo. Shit, meet fan. [TMZ]
• Margaret Cho thinks Miley Cyrus is "a disgrace." [Perez]
• Did you see Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman last night? You'll find what happened in the dictionary under "trainwreck." (Or at the link here.) [Nikki Finke's Deadline Hollywood]
• Post-steroid-scandal, Alex Rodriguez "ran right home to [wife] Cynthia," which has pissed off Madonna. She's telling A-Rod that her dalliance with Jesus Luz is just a publicity stunt; Rodriguez says he needs to salvage his career. According to this piece, "Now that he's unable to focus all his attention on Madonna, she only wants him more." [Gatecrasher]
• Holy crap: Michael Jackson has some kind of MRSA-type skin infection, like a flesh-eating virus or a staph infection, and it is sad and horrifying. Plus, from the looks of this picture, it hurts. [The Sun]
• Prince Harry has been formally disciplined after being caught on video calling a fellow soldier a racial slur. He will attend an equality and diversity course, and the incident will go on his permanent record. [Mirror, Guardian]
• What is the deal with George Clooney and Benazir Bhutto's 26-year-old niece, Fatima? Pakistan is "besotted" by their "affair." [Independent]
• Clooney's rep says the rumor that Clooney is dating Fatima is false. [WowOwow]
• Lily Allen had a "secret show" last night in New York, and in addition to material from her new album — the bouncy "Fuck You" and stuff from her old CD ("Smile") she covered Britney's "Womanizer." While singing about blow jobs, she "gulped wine" on stage. [Rolling Stone]
• Nicolette Sheridan is packing up her stuff and leaving Wisteria Lane; she will no longer be on Desperate Housewives. [Extra]
• Mary-Kate Olsen looks high fashion freaky in her pictures for the March issue of Interview; she tells the mag about differentiating herself from her sister: "We've always been very different. And we've always had the same goals… At a certain point, we probably just started to vocalize it. When we decided to go to college, we figured we'd be able to take a break and just figure out what we wanted to do and what we loved… just by being able to step away from the work world." [ONTD]
• Queen Latifah was on a bus tour of Newark, N.J. yesterday to promote options that will help homeowners avoid foreclosures. [UPI]
• Had Rihanna been working on a song about murdering a cheating partner before she was attacked by Chris Brown? [The Sun]
• Chris Brown is currently holed up at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Except that this report says Chris Brown and Rhianna are both in L.A. Oh, and don't click this link unless you want to read a whole lot of bullshit speculation about how Rihanna maybe hit Chris first and "Lamborghini's [sic] have small cabins that are hard to maneuver in. Brown, who would have been driving, could have used his teeth as a weapon to defend himself against Rihanna's flailing." [Fox 411]
• Sigh, there is a delay in the Chris Brown case. The D.A spokesperson says: "It's our understanding the LAPD won't return the case to us this week. Once we get it, we will review it again to determine if there's a case." Wait, what? [People]
• Here's a better explanation of whether Chris should be charged with criminal threats or the lesser charge of domestic battery. [TMZ]
• Cops will reinterview Chris Brown and Rihanna again soon. [NY Daily News]
• Chris Brown's wardrobe stylist says: "Chris is all right. He's a good kid. He feels very bad that something like this has happened." Ugh! Passive talk. He feels bad "something happened" or he feels bad about what he did? [People]
• Leona Lewis denies involvement in the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation. [Daily Mail]
• When asked by paparazzi about Chris Brown, Terrence Howard said: "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right." Now he says: "When they asked me about Chris Brown the other day, I was in no way aware of what he had been accused of. Had I known, I would have never had said something so insensitive." Seriously dude? Put down the baby wipes and pick up a newspaper or something. [E!]
• Clive Owen continues to promote his film and charm the underpants off of us. [CBS News]
• Drew Barrymore says Adam Sandler was her favorite on-screen kiss. "It was really innocent and unsalacious." [Mirror]
• Whoa: Nicolas Sarkozy proposed to Carla Bruni within two hours of meeting her. [Daily Mail]
• Groan: Sports Illustrated cover moddle Bar Refaeli ate cheeseburgers and ice cream before her shoot and did not work out. [Gatecrasher]
• Will Sean Penn be in a Three Stooges biopic? [Page Six]
• Balthazar Getty's exit from Brothers & Sisters will be "shocking." Spoilers all there if you click the link. [E!]
• Sam Shepard pled guilty to DUI and speeding from that bust last month in Illinois — he had a .175 blood alcohol level. Drunkety drunk drunk drunk. [TMZ]
• Kate Hudson has a stripper pole in her bathroom and a spy says: "She's so proud of it. She was laughing and giddy like a kid when the thing was installed! She holds on with both her arms and flips her legs into the air. It's kind of amazing and totally sexy." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Joe Francis is no longer on house arrest. He's free to go wild. [TMZ]
• Steven Seagal wants Costa Rica to have a filmmaking industry. "Costa Rica has everything — both rain forest and dry climate. What it lacks is an infrastructure to make movies," he said in a news conference. Send us plane tickets and let us judge for ourselves! [Reuters]
• Akon has a Chevron gas station in his backyard. [The Life Files]
• Blind item! "Which pro athlete's actress-girlfriend is going to be less than pleased when she discovers he's sleeping with college girls on the side?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Any actor who starts taking 'sex symbol' seriously or thinks of themselves as a sex symbol has got some serious problems. When I'm in my normal life I care very little about how I look. Sometimes I have to dress up when I'm making movies, but that's not me when I'm just hanging around. I don't mind looking like I need a good wash and a good meal. There's no vanity about my character and I think that's real. His absolute obsessive passion is trying to bring a bank down. He doesn't care how he looks. So I just stopped shaving and left it to the make-up people to make sure I looked bad in every scene." — Clive Owen. [Mirror]
• "I had to be chained to the ceiling with a hood over my head, in my boxer shorts, being hosed down by a soldier, with cold air fans blowing on me. I wouldn't recommend being tortured by Samuel L Jackson. He seems to enjoy it a little too much." — Michael Sheen, who filmed Unthinkable with Jackson. [Telegraph]
• "She's so different from me. She's so focused on the outside. She just loves clothes and she just loves life, and she wants to make the world more beautiful. How often do you read a comedy script with a woman in the lead, and she's actually a flawed, deluded character? And I was able to do physical comedy. It was a dream role." — Isla Fisher on Rebecca Bloomwood, her Shopaholic character. [USA Today]
• "The people who are the most beautiful are those who do what they love to do – who have love in their lives, and laugh a lot, go to good movies, read good books, and have great sex. A guy who's a chauvinist I'm not interested in. Any good man knows women are much smarter than men." — Carla Gugino, to Women's Health. [People]
• "We very rarely talk but when we do, it sure makes me laugh. She's one of the funniest ladies I know and I hold huge amounts of love and respect for her. She's my big sister. Things were wild during the years I was with her in the band and she's one of the wildest creatures I've ever met, but I have my own personal perception of her. There's nobody else like her. I feel like there should be a review of the great stuff that Hole and Courtney put out there. I would support that because I feel it's important to pass on to women of future generations." — Melissa Auf der Maur on Courtney Love. [ONTD via Spinner]
• "When you look at someone like Jessica [Simpson], I don't know if she gained weight, but it's all I've heard about. I'm looking for someone with a great voice, but if someone is 50 pounds overweight, I have to tell them the reality - that it might hold them back." — American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi. [MSNBC]

• OMG. This may make you hyperventilate: Mad Men's Jon Hamm is in talks to do a multi-episode arc on 30 Rock. The man known as Don Draper could be Liz Lemon's neighbor and a potential love interest for Tina Fey's character. Breathe. Just breathe. [EW]
• Jennifer Lopez sued her first husband, former waiter Ojani Noa, for writing a tell-all book about their relationship; it violated a 2002 confidentiality agreement. Inside: details about her "multiple duplicitous sexual affairs" behind Noa's back (including a tryst with Marc Anthony while he was married to ex-Miss Universe Dayanara Torres). Anywhoozle, an L.A. judge has awarded Ms. Lopez $545,000, because she really needs the money. How Mr. Noa is gonna get it is another question. [E!]
• Today in Madonna/Guy Ritchie news: She "bombards him" with "weird" texts and says "you're going down." Meanie! [Mirror]
• Madonna had a "secret helicopter trip" to visit A-Rod less than a week after her split from Guy Ritchie, and they met at Jerry Seinfeld's mansion in the Hamptons. Yeah, I dunno. [The Sun, TMZ]
• Wait, apparently The Seinfelds have been friends with Madonna for years. [Page Six]

• Jennifer Hudson's family has announced a new organization: The Hudson-King Foundation for Families of Slain Victims is named in honor of the singer-actress's slain mother Darnell Hudson Donerson, brother Jason Hudson and nephew Julian King. "The specific purpose of the Foundation is to care for the needs of families who have lost relatives to a violent crime," the family says in a statement. "This encompasses their basic needs of food, clothing and shelter as well as grief counseling." The foundation is accepting donations, click for the address. [People]
• New details: Police believe Jennifer Hudson's nephew was shot in the SUV in which he was found. William Balfour, who is Julian's stepfather, has refused to take a lie-detector test and has stopped cooperating with detectives. [MSNBC]
• Jennifer Hudson was on vacation with fiancé David Otunga in Florida when her sister Julia called her with the news. Jennifer is on the cover of People this week. [USA Today]
• A source says Jennifer Hudson is "still in shock," "hasn't gone out much at all" and "has lots of security around her." She is holed up in a hotel in Chicago and has not been seen in public since identifying her nephew's body on Monday. [Yahoo News]
• Not only is Joaquin Phoenix retiring from Hollywood, he's moving away: He just put his Hollywood Hills home on the market. So long, burning hot bird. [TMZ]
• Uh-oh: Yesterday Jermaine Jackson said that there would be a Jackson 5 reunion with both Michael and Janet; today Michael says: "My brothers and sisters have my full love and support, and we’ve certainly shared many great experiences, but at this time I have no plans to record or tour with them. I am now in the studio developing new and exciting projects that I look forward to sharing with my fans in concert soon." Hey, Jermaine, before you announce that Michael is touring with you, you probably should check with Michael. [Perez Hilton, Reuters]
• Here's a profile of the two guys who are running the Brooklyn restaurant Heath Ledger had planned to open: "The actor truly lived the New York experience. He taught his daughter how to skateboard. He rode his bike over the Williamsburg Bridge. He visited farmer’s markets. He played chess in Washington Square Park, and he brought coffee for the paparazzi. 'He really just took New York and rolled with it,' Mr. Mongell said. 'He was just one of us, man.'" [NY Times]
• Photographer Timothy White has published a book called Hollywood Pinups, in which stars like Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, Kate Hudson, Vanessa Williams and Susan Sarandon pose in classic vintage Vargas girl style. [LA Times]
• Brooke Shields is thinking about adopting, but she won't go outside the U.S.: "There are a lot of babies out there in our immediate back yard that need families." [Daily Express]
• Did you know that Wilmer Valderramma had an animated show on the Disney Channel? He speaks to JustJared "exclusively" about the show in a fairly boring interview. [Just Jared]
• Mick Jagger's daughter Elizabeth is being forced to move out of her New York apartment; the owner decided to put it on the market. Elizabeth will find a new place and paint it black. [Daily Express]
• It's the end of the road for Fox show King Of The Hill: It's not being renewed past its current 13th season. [UPI]
• If you want to see John Mayer sing Stevie Wonder's "Love's In Need Of Love Today" and dedicate it to Barack Obama, click here. [E!]
• In this interview, Quantum Of Solace Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko says stuff like: "I’m not a romantic person" and "Most of my life I’ve been alone" and, growing up in poverty in the little Ukrainian town of Berdyansk, "I ate cabbage my whole childhood. My mother said it was good for my breasts, but I think she lied." [Mirror]
• John McCain on Saturday Night Live this weekend? Maybe. [MSNBC]
• Margaret Cho's had to cancel shows because she is "unbelievably sick." Get well! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which blockbuster director has only himself to blame for his recent burglary? After a hard day of filming, he decided to unwind with a couple of prostitutes who stole his valuables." [Page Six]
• Jennie Garth on the new Melrose Place: "I don't want to do it." Heh. Tell us how you really feel, Jen! [E!]
• Melissa Etheridge's 9-year-old son on California's Proposition 8, which would ban same sex marriage: "Wow, that's lame." From the mouths of babes! [People]
• Punky Brewster Soleil Moon Frye renewed her wedding vows. Damn, her kids are cute. [People]
• Rachael Ray's magazine is totally voting for Obama. [TMZ]
• Ryan Seacrest on Jennifer Hudson: "I always liked her spirit, her strength, her charm, her charisma. She's a strong girl and a special girl." [People]
• Look at this picture of 10-year-old Keira Knightley! She was in a cop show called The Bill. [The Sun]
• Some people are supporting Russell Brand after he was fired for making a nasty joke on his radio show; others are attacking him. [Daily Mail]
• Simon Cowell lost "Most Popular Talent Show Award" at the National Television Awards, so he went out and got drunk. But actually, everyone was drinking, it was an after party. Sheesh. [The Sun]
• Actress Michelle Yeoh and 1,000 Vietnamese children marched in Hanoi yesterday to promote motorcycle helmets. The weird thing is, she's not wearing one in the picture accompanying this story. Maybe so you know she's the star and not a schoolkid? [Yahoo News]
• Sean Connery denies that he's coming out of retirement for one last film. Maybe he could just do some voicemails? Love that Scottish burr! [Daily Express]
• Four ooky, spooky words: Addams Family, The Musical! [NY Mag]
• Financial markets may be down, but the prices of James Bond memorabilia? Up! "License to make a killing." [Reuters]
• "My health is great but there's a wind thing that blows there [in Las Vegas] at different months and I have an allergy to it. If I had cancer everyone would know it. I wouldn't tell them, but somebody would. When you have those kind of things happen if you're famous you can't keep them a secret. [The reports] don't make me angry. People have been saying the weirdest things since I was a teenager." — Cher, on the rumor that she canceled a Caesar's Palace show because she has cancer. [Daily Express]
• "She is very pregnant. I am on call permanently right now. She's at the very end, and it could happen at any point. She (feels) hot all the time. I think she wants to just be not pregnant anymore. It's a struggle to go up and down the stairs. Going out in public is insane." — Pete Wentz, on Ashlee Simpson. [People]
• "It used to be that when you got into the first team then the rewards would come, whereas young kids these days are earning so much money at such a young age. You want that hunger there, you want the hunger to be rewarded. Unfortunately, that's not the case these days. They can all afford to buy their own cars. That's the bad part - to have that at such a young age." — David Beckham, on overpaid young athletes. [Perez Hilton]
• "I'm sure these kids in bands think they're rock stars these days, and I'm sure they are to a certain extent. To me, there's a lot of people making music in bands and there's not so many rock stars around. And I don't know what it is, mate. I think they're trying too fucking hard and it's coming across really fake." — Liam Gallagher. [Rolling Stone]
• "[Marriage licences] should be like dog licences. I think you should have to renew marriage licences, unless you have children. And I think before you have children you should have to go and pass various tests and get a licence to have a child. Because it's the most transformative and difficult thing of your life." — John Cleese. [Telegraph]
• "I think giving birth to a child, as a woman, is what we're born to do. I don't mean that to sound sexist, because many women don't get to do it, and I thought I was one of them. But at the same time, if you are given that gift, it's an extraordinary thing. Bella and Connor are 15 and 13, so we've taken them, Tom and I, almost into their adult life. To then have a birth child that I have to take into adult life, give her her wings, it's a big purpose. I know my place. Put it that way." —Nicole Kidman, talking about Sunday Rose and her other kids, in Parade. [Perez Hilton]
• "I was taken aback when I met her. I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I'd seen. I thought: 'Wow! Whoever goes out with that girl is one lucky guy!' A month into our relationship, she told me she was pregnant, but was no longer with the father. I told her it didn't change the way I felt about her. Apart from being my wife, she's also my best friend." — Seal, on Heidi Klum. [Daily Mail]

STEVE: Shalom and here we go. It won't be the first time I've talked about something I didn't actually see.

MEGAN: Well, you saw it but in true Jezebel fashion, you saw it intoxicated. This is the first one I actually watched stone-cold sober because I couldn't stop typing long enough to drink the bottle of wine I opened.

STEVE: My insights are admittedly influenced by the haze of a nice, Australian Cabernet-Shiraz blend. Yes, "that one."

MEGAN: So you do remember some things! But, basically, Obama won and nobody asked anything that wasn't pre-screened because they didn't want to get yelled at by Tom Brokaw like he kept yelling at Obama and McCain.

STEVE: Yes, I remember mostly the focus group that Katie Couric did after, and the undecidededs didn't like "that one" very well. Maybe, as Maureen posited this morning, it was a cross between "the one" and "that woman," but it seemed dismissive and odd.

MEGAN: I mean, it's actually something you say to, like, your kids, isn't it? I thought it was very infantilizing.

STEVE: I wouldn't know about kids, but my friend Suzanne is here and says she'd never really talk to her kids like that. I would, however, sometimes talk to a boyfriend like that. And that's not a good sign.

MEGAN: Wait! Wasn't it you that sent me that magazine cover of them kissing?

STEVE: YES I DID and you didn't pick it up. I thought it was going to be a big deal. But maybe the progressives won't get mad at The Progressive?

MEGAN: It was just a little too... something.

STEVE: I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. But I can say, without a doubt, that I wouldn't kiss any man who pointed at me and called me "that one" in public.

MEGAN: You know, I did kiss a dude who later called me "that one" in public in what he thought was a jocular way. I accused him of using his brother's terminal illness as a way to get pussy, so I guess I didn't appreciate it.

STEVE: Speaking of our rights to kiss anyone we want, I thought it was a little odd, and disappointing, that not a word was said about the Supreme Court last night, two days into the new term and with at least two judges barely holding on.

MEGAN: Well, but Sarah Palin covered that, right? [I crack myself up some times]

STEVE: Every swing state voter I know - and I recently met a mom in Ohio who WANTS to vote GOP, but is really being persuaded by the high court argument.

MEGAN: Because of Roe? That's interesting. On the other hand, if the Democratic Party can win the Presidency on the economy and the Republican can't gin people up on social issues like abortion and gay marriage because independent voters have realized that it's craven and whatever, that's not a bad thing, right?

STEVE: I really think the court issue is ALMOST as persuasive as the "Jesus the stock market crashed 500 points again" issue. You know, Bill Maher said on Friday, and I agree, that it almost always requires a national catastrophe to get progressives elected. BUT DO AMERICANS NOT GET THAT THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE A NATIONAL CATASTROPHE TOO?

MEGAN: Well, 54 percent of the country thinks abortion should stay legal and the more they put the crazies on TV, the more people go, um, those people are cray-cray. Like, they should give that crazy anti-gay guy from Kansas more press.

STEVE: I bet Fred Phelps votes based on the Supreme Court!

MEGAN: Totally! But everyone hates him. Harley riders hate him. He's the antithesis of everything the anti-gay movement is trying to pretend to be, which is faux-tolerant. You know, like Sarah Palin. It's okay if you, like, have to be gay, but the government shouldn't do anything special for your heathen, social-norm defying self. That would be giving you "special" rights. Because the right to, say, marry or to have equal protection under the law is "special."

STEVE: Sarah says she "tolerates" the gays. Does that make us feel better?

MEGAN: Like, she doesn't want to gas them or anything! It doesn't make me feel better. What is there about gay people to "tolerate"? It's not like gayness is something that might rub off or something.

STEVE: OK and so if they spent 60 minutes on the economy last night, we should spend a few minutes on it here. Angela Merkel is on the front of the NYT business section today, looking very stressed.

MEGAN: Well, I think I know why.

STEVE: And as someone who was raised by a single mother and appreciates the (much better) grasp that women have on pocket book issues than men, I get worried when they look panicked. I mean, a friend emailed last night to tell me that he and his boyfriend decided not to buy expensive, designer jeans after the 500 drop yesterday. And when the gay men stop pumping money into the economy for lavish, unessential items like Italian jeans, we have problems.

MEGAN: Well, that alone explains the 500 point drop in the Dow yesterday. I have no doubt that Angela Merkel doesn't want to be presiding over an economic crisis brought on by the financial crisis and credit crunch by her personal masseur.

STEVE: I mean, when $2 trillion of retirement money is gone . . . and gay men can't buy jeans . . . is our salvation really going to be found in cutting a $3 million overhead projector for a planetarium? And, like, if they did buy the projector for the planetarium, and Sarah could see Jupiter from her seat, could we make her an astronaut and send her to the moon or something?

MEGAN: Okay, first off, I really like planetariums. I'm just sayin'. Fuck McCain for hating on planetariums. Second off, he's also going to personally renegotiate everyone's mortgages. Except mine. And yours if you had one. I mean, not really "everyone" as much as people whose houses lost value because they bought stuff for absurdist prices. And took out absurdly high mortgages. And only if they're old, to make up for the massive cuts in Medicare spending he's planning.

STEVE: And McCain's mortgage plan is totally borrowed from Hillary, which was borrowed from her history lessons on the Great Depression.

MEGAN: Also, did you get the sense that they made that up on the bus on the way there? Sort of like how McCain's all, I know how to kill bin Laden! I do! Just watch! I will go into some place I won't name and kill bin Laden quietly, because generally invading a sovereign nation goes over way better if you just hope they don't notice.

STEVE: But if you pronounce Pakistan as Pah-kee-stahn, the whole things has an air of credibility.

MEGAN: Just like "new-cue-lerr" makes it sound less scary?

STEVE: You betcha!

MEGAN: Such as!

STEVE: So Olbermann says Palin is the one palling around with terrorists — the Alaska Independence Party.

MEGAN: Well, you know, just because they advocated potentially violent secession, we sponsored by Iran and hate Our Freedoms doesn't makes them terrorists... Oh, wait, let's just call Olbermann and pinko Commie in the tank for Obama.

STEVE: The AIP founder, Olbermann says, said that, "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government, and I won't be buried under their damn flag"

MEGAN: Why doesn't he just go to Canada? It's, like, right the fuck there.

STEVE: Don't ruin Canada for the rest of us! I hear Montreal is quite a party.
But where is this tank everyone keeps talking about? It must be pretty crowded in there by now.

MEGAN: And kind of sexy. I mean, Olbermann's in it with Rachel Maddow and Bill Keller of the NY Times, who I saw on Saturday and is kind of silver foxy.

STEVE: Is Rachel Maddow DRIVING the tank? Margaret Cho says you gotta have a lesbian to read the map.

MEGAN: Well, I'll bet Rachel is driving and Suze Orman is navigating through the minefields.

STEVE: Are we going to end up with Suze or Warren Buffet as treasury secretary anyway? Can't Warren Buffet just bail us out of this . . . maybe with a little help from Bill Gates?

MEGAN: I know, Warren Buffet as Treasury Secretary? I was like, dude, McCain, seriously, you had a whole series of commercials about how stupid celebrity is and now you're nominating the only financier people will recognize by name as Treasury Secretary? I mean, you know he wanted to be honest and say "Phil Gramm," because McCain, too, thinks we're a nation of whiners and this is just a mental depression.

STEVE: I mean, I bank at Wachovia, or Citibank, or Wells Fargo OR WHATEVER IT IS THIS MORNING and I'd feel much more secure banking at Warren Buffet's house.

MEGAN: I'd feel more secure banking from under my mattress at this stage.
If anyone is going to fuck over my money, it really should be me.

• We're not gonna lie, there was some gawking at Olympic bods 'round these parts.
• But there was also grinning at gymnasts, thrilling wins from Michael Phelps, controversies over the Chinese and Golden Girls all around.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt wants you to kiss her ass. But only if it's skinny!
• Speaking of ass masters, don't miss our interview with Margaret Cho.
• Moddles got lost in teh soopermarket, kan no longer shop hapully.
• We, however, can shop happily for Mad Men-inspired 60s duds.

• We love the moddle in September's Glamour, Sabina Karlsson. Get a load of them freckles, folks!
• We let you explore our (ice) boxes.
• It's the weekend, guys! So poop wherever your heart desires, and follow Liz Smith's lead: gin and Snickers for all!

Earlier: Pussy, Parents And Puppies: A Q&A With Comedian Margaret Cho
Margaret Cho's Mom Steals The Show On Celebrity Family Feud

You're on the road now doing stand-up, and your reality show is about to premiere, but you've done scripted shows in the past. I know you've discussed the lack of non-stereotypical roles for Asians in your act before, and I was wondering if it's gotten any better since you started out in show biz. There’s just nothing that’s out there. The only roles that are out there if you’re a woman of color are based on ethnicity. If a role is for Asian women in particular, it’s going to be for an acupuncturist. Of course, there are Asian acupuncturists in life that are real women, but it's still a stereotype. I feel bad for Asian actors who want to work, because there are only those stories out there for us. The real story behind the movie 21 is about Asian American kids, but they used white kids for those main roles and Asians in the supporting roles. I don’t know why. The problem isn’t even out-and-out stereotyping at this point, it’s non-inclusion. That’s the way racism presents itself nowadays, as if non-inclusion is better. I think it’s actually worse, because then you don’t see those people at all.

Speaking of inclusion, you seem really focused on being a good role model for your fans so that they don't feel alienated.
I always want people to feel beautiful. I try to be super positive about my body, and super positive about not saying, 'I feel fat and I feel ugly.' Of course I have moments of weakness, and sometimes I have interviews on those days. ! I don’t want be self-deprecating in the way that comes too naturally for women. I want to be a woman who is really proud of her physical being, I am proud to be forty, am proud to be in this body. People don't get to see a lot of real women on TV who haven’t had plastic surgery, who haven’t had botox, and I’m totally normal. In my new TV show, I try to be naked a lot because I think it’s important for viewers to see a real 40 woman looks like, but also because how things were for me the last time I had a show. When I first had a screen test [for her 90s sit com All-American Girl], I wore a midriff shirt and my stomach was showing, and one of the executives said, don't ever, ever do that again.

I also hear you're totally awesome about using your body for experiments on the show. I definitely read your blog about getting the G-shot. How was it?
I really was disappointed in the G-shot! I have some weird value judgment on how I reach orgasm and I always felt inadequate that I couldn’t have one through intercourse. Why isn’t it enough that I can orgasm? Why is it more valuable to orgasm a certain way? What a great gift! Unfortunately, the G-shot didn't allow me to come from sex. It made it not possible for me to have sex for many months. We’re all built differently and female sexuality is so unique, and the specialness of who we are, you can’t take that into account when you create a procedure like that, though I think that it does work. It actually reinforced my realization that I’m not going to come that way. I had this ex-lover who was like, 'I wish you could come from me and not your vibrator.' And I was like why? Are you emasculated by my vibrator? I’m really into sex toys and I can’t understand why people feel like it’s not a part of the sex process proper. It’s bullshit. I hate that.

Another big part of the show (besides getting a shot of collagen in your G-spot, obvs) are your parents, whom we love.
They really fit into the show and I thought it would be great to have them. It seemed like the right kind of thing to do and I was excited to have them on, along with my assorted friends. [I wanted to show everyone because] we are definitely a queer family — because that’s how queer family comes together, we create our own families.

Your puppies also have a big role on the show! And I read on your blog that you are a fan of the Daily Puppy, which we are also so obsessed with. Yes! I have three dogs, small, medium and large, all mixes. My medium is an Australian Shepherd Mix and my big one is a black German Shepherd mix. Sometimes I will wait until midnight and go on the Daily Puppy so that I can see the dogs change over to the next day's puppy, I'm so into it. , I’ll go deep inside it. I’ll get deep in there. I’ll be lost all day. It’s really funny sometimes. Once I remember I was going down the comments, and there was this guy on the boards called "puppy hater" and he kept going on about how the readers are fat old women who have nothing to do, and we’re so fat that we have nothing to love. And the readers just went fucking crazy on him!

People can be really mean on the internet! Even to puppies!If I had a daughter, I would have a real hard time letting her see any of the stuff online and the way they talk about women and women’s bodies. It’s so cruel and sickening.

Donut Pussy [Margaret Cho Official Website]

Earlier: This Is Not Chick Lit: A Q&A With Writer Janelle Brown