How Thirsty Are You for One Of These Hot Marco Ru(BAE)o Tee-Shirts?
If you like Marco Rubio—I mean like like him—then you’ll be thrilled to learn of this patriotic opportunity to let the world know the extent of your affection. Buy yourself a “Marco Rubio is bae” teeshirt to keep that babyfaced thirst-machine close to your heart.
Marco Rubio's 'Pro-Life Advisory Board' Is Full of Weirdos
It’s that time in the primary season when GOP candidates attempt to woo evangelical voters any way they can. For Donald Trump, that involves pretending to have read the Bible. For Marco Rubio, it’s establishing a “pro-life advisory board,” stocked with people full of fascinating ideas about science, health,…
Pour Yourself a Stiff Drink, Here’s Your Open Thread for 2016’s First GOP Debate
Gather ‘round everyone, it’s the first Republican presidential debate of 2016! Taking place in Charleston, South Carolina, this debate — the SIXTH one we’ve had to endure — will feature the lowest amount of candidates on the stage thus far. Since Carly Fiorina and Rand Paul were bumped down to the earlier undercard…
Marco Rubio Calls Sean Penn's El Chapo Interview ‘Grotesque’
Curious about what Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio thinks about Sean Penn’s controversial Rolling Stone interview with El Chapo? I know I am. During an appearance on ABC’s This Week, Rubio told George Stephanopoulos he found it “grotesque.” And he wasn’t referring to the gross fart that Penn let fly…
Marco Rubio Is the Borderline Normal Human Being of the GOP's Dreams
The bar has been set extraordinarily low for the one hundred lady and gentlemen vying for the Republican presidential nomination: be less crazy than the criminally insane Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. The only challenge is how to be the most reasonable, preferably likable alternative to those two leading trolls.
Hellfire, Damnation & Donald: Welcome to Your Republican Debate Liveblog!
On the occasion of the year’s 33,000th and final Republican debate, we at Jezebel thought we’d conjure up something special. No not a demonic entity sent to rain down hellfire and put us out of this misery (unfortunately), but a very special joint liveblog experience in which Gawker will join Jezebel for the ultimate…
'I Don't Hear Anyone Talking About Bomb Control': Marco Rubio Reports on Your Mom's Toilet Habits
“Without knowing anything about the case,” says the most electable political vampire in the entire cartoon castle, “the first thing [the left] started talking about was gun control. I don’t hear anybody talking about bomb control.”
Three GOP Candidates Go Ahead and Pardon Their Own Turkeys Just for Practice
In a move that some might read as “bad luck,” or “jinxing it,” Republican presidential candidates Carly Fiorina, Marco Rubio and Ben Carson attempted the absolute most important task of any United States president: pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey. None were particularly good at it, which is fine, because none of…
I Can't Believe We Still Have an Entire Goddamn Year Until Election Day
The first ballots in this election will be cast in only a few short months, Fox Business News waxed quixotic during last night’s GOP presidential debate coverage. The thought comforted me for about a second. Then I remembered that while the February 1 Iowa caucuses draw swiftly nigh, we still have a goddamn year…
Republican Presidential Candidates Are a Bunch of Whiners
Can something be both a seven-story dumpster fire and more dull than watching a football field’s worth of paint dry one centimeter at a time? With their GOP debate last night, CNBC answered that one resoundingly in the affirmative. The outraged, performative yelping from both the candidates and conservative news…
Major Florida Newspaper: Marco, If You Hate the Senate So Much, Please Just Quit
The Sun-Sentinel’s editorial board published a scathing assessment of Florida Senator and GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio, who has demonstrated a certain lack of commitment to his current post, writing: “If you hate your job, senator, follow the honorable lead of House Speaker John Boehner and resign it.”
Do Any of the Republicans Running for President Actually Want to Win?
Donald Trump has responded to falling poll numbers in Iowa by insulting Iowans, Bobby Jindal has reminded voters that he exists by refusing to participate in the second-tier GOP debate, Ben Carson can’t shut up about Nazis, and Jeb Bush has done the political equivalent of sticking his thumb up his butt and strumming…
Marco Rubio Responds to Trump Prank, Meanwhile We Are One Day Closer to Being Eaten By Bugs
Wow, Donald Trump is really solidifying his role in the Republican presidential race as the class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn. But also you know he’s going to get into whatever school he wants to go to because his parents donated an athletic center or something.
Donald Trump Sends Marco Rubio A Thirst-Quenching Care Package
On October 5, 2015, Republican presidential candidate and rubber-faced cherub Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) received a “care package” from rival and noted troll Donald Trump. The contents? Among other various sundries, it included “a 24-bottle case of ‘Trump Ice Natural Spring Water’” — a gift lampooning the young senator’s…

