A Collection of Very Dumb Republican Thoughts on the Brexit

Yesterday, the UK voted—essentially by accident, both on the part of the pompous drip who called the referendum and the voters who didn’t bother to learn what it meant—to exit the European Union. Today, David Cameron resigned, the pound plunged to its lowest level since 1985, global financial markets plummeted, and …

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Resentful Florida Teen Will Seek Senate Reelection After All, and Honestly, Why Do You Guys Even Care, Go Away

“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington…

Farewell to Marco Rubio, Who Just Dropped Out After Losing His Home State of Florida 

There’s a special sting in losing your home state, and Marco Rubio has all the time in the world to feel it tonight after announcing he will “suspend” his bid for the White House. The GOP race is officially down to only the most hideous choices, a.k.a. the only ones Republican voters will apparently consider.

Sad Marco Rubio, On the Way Out, Is Deeply Sonned by Former Friends

Marco Rubio, an adult baby thumb posing as a thirst trap for your mildly conservative cousins, does not appear to be long for the Republican presidential primaries—particularly as it’s predicted that Donald Trump will cream him Tuesday in his home state of Florida. Yet Rubio’s ex-friends still feel the need to kick…

Marco Rubio Should Focus His Campaign on One Thing: Winning Dancing With the Stars

With Marco Rubio’s campaign for the presidency likely drawing its last breaths, the candidate’s focus should be squarely on a single, attainable victory—one that is still well within reach. Not a surprise upset of Donald Trump in Rubio’s home state of Florida, but instead a far more glorious triumph—on the…

Joe Biden Demands Donald Trump Release Chris Christie Back Into the Wilds of New Jersey

Joe Biden, the most GIF-able VP we’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, put his patented shit-eating grin to good use at the Gridiron Dinner, a Washington, D.C. roast that gives politicians the opportunity to make each other cry under the pretense of “humor.” In the true spirit of an election year (AKA probably just…

Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity Are Having a Baffling Twitter Fight About Rubio and We Love It

People say they hate it when Mom and Dad fight, but we love it a lot, particularly when mom is peppy Dementor Ann Coulter and dad is enraged football coach pounding the steering wheel and screaming after 20 losing games in a row Sean Hannity. They’re fighting about Marco Rubio, and it’s all so embarrassing, and I just…

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Orange, Pants-Wetting 'Con Artist:' Ranking Marco Rubio's Insults of Donald Trump

We still have a full 252 days until the presidential election, and the Republican primaries don’t end until June. And yet this election cycle has already melted down to an impressively ridiculous degree, culminating with Marco Rubio blazing across the South trying to match Donald Trump insult for insult. This is a bad…