Hello, I’m writing this from a steaming puddle under my desk, because I just read a pool report about President Donald J. Trump’s visit to a private Catholic school and as an unfortunate result, my eyeballs have melted into my head, which has collapsed into my butt, and I can’t hold my skin upright in my chair any…
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas), who is wrong about most things, inevitably found himself in the tricky position of getting scolded by a small child at an Arkansas town hall meeting on Wednesday night.
Remember when things were fun? I sort of can if I push all my anxieties way down and try to pretend like reality is a dream. So let’s do that now. Because as of yesterday, it has officially been one year since the single greatest two minutes of the entire election: Ben Carson’s big walkout disaster.
The state of Florida has sentenced Marco Rubio to four more years on the job, a fitting punishment for a miserable senator with one of the worst attendance records in history.
On Saturday, August 6, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) argued that a woman infected with the Zika virus should not be permitted to get an abortion, even if it’s probable that the child will be afflicted with acute microcephaly.
Fresh off his failed attempt to win the Republican nomination for the presidency, Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced that he would not run for re-election, before finally deciding that he would. His motivation, he said, was the Orlando nightclub shooting that left 49 Floridians dead and another 53 injured.
Yesterday, the UK voted—essentially by accident, both on the part of the pompous drip who called the referendum and the voters who didn’t bother to learn what it meant—to exit the European Union. Today, David Cameron resigned, the pound plunged to its lowest level since 1985, global financial markets plummeted, and …
“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington…
The American public has yet again been reminded why the GOP primary resembles a literal fight of the tummy sticks after Marco “Automaton” Rubio apologized on air for insinuating that Donald Trump, a human/Komodo dragon hybrid, has a tiny dick.
It looks like we should start planning certified robot Marco Rubio’s belated bar-mitzvah, because it looks like the GOP’s babiest automaton has turned into a real boy—at least when it comes to refusing to publicly back presumptive GOP nominee/withered Cheeto behind your couch Donald Trump.
Senator Marco Rubio, still apparently not quite out of the habit of pandering to the Jews despite the fact that he is no longer running for anything at all, appears to have hosted a Passover seder for a group of miserable-looking staffers and PC computers. I have questions.
Are you mourning the loss of Marco Rubio, America’s favorite and first android presidential hopeful in the GOP primary? I am, guys. So hard. My rainbow heart is bleeding tiny elephants.
There’s a special sting in losing your home state, and Marco Rubio has all the time in the world to feel it tonight after announcing he will “suspend” his bid for the White House. The GOP race is officially down to only the most hideous choices, a.k.a. the only ones Republican voters will apparently consider.
Marco Rubio, an adult baby thumb posing as a thirst trap for your mildly conservative cousins, does not appear to be long for the Republican presidential primaries—particularly as it’s predicted that Donald Trump will cream him Tuesday in his home state of Florida. Yet Rubio’s ex-friends still feel the need to kick…
Poor Robo-Rubio got fed the wrong algorithm at tonight’s umpteenth GOP debate tonight—one that can only be described as a horrific mix between a socially-progressive hashtag (yay!) and a tweet from an evangelical mom (honey, no).
Joe Biden, the most GIF-able VP we’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, put his patented shit-eating grin to good use at the Gridiron Dinner, a Washington, D.C. roast that gives politicians the opportunity to make each other cry under the pretense of “humor.” In the true spirit of an election year (AKA probably just…