mamasboy - Jezebel

posts about #mamasboy more →
"Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It

Your version of Internet Explorer is not supported. Please upgrade to the most recent version in order to view comments.

Dsmvwl Admin Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×

Lizawithazee
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
My MIL is perfect! She lives 1,000 miles away. So when we see her, it's all about doing fun things together to make memories for all of us.

Hubby's sisters, though-- they talk smack about the other sisters-in-law to me, so I'm sure they talk ABOUT me as well. Probably about how I won't "let" hubby and son visit more often. Little do they know, I have to make and pay for all the arrangements or he would never visit, mostly because, like everyone in his family but his mother, he is NOT a planner.
Reply

Lizawithazee was starred Lizawithazee was unstarred

nellicat
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
I LOVE my boyfriend's mother, but she lives 8 hours away. She is surrounded by her children, too, so the likelihood of us becoming closer than mother/daughter is remote, at best. Scarily, I think she may outlive my boyfriend, due to bad male genes in the family.
Reply

nellicat was starred nellicat was unstarred

Grim Reaper of the Forest
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
I love my mother-in-law, but I sometimes fear the relationship might get tested if we have kids. It seems like conflict over child-rearing is a major point of contention with some mother and daughters-in-law.
Reply

sequined
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
I can't imagine losing someone like that, let alone the aftermath of family interactinos. I sometimes think about my mom's best friend, who died when she was 21 years old while on vacation with her boyfriend. He was in his late 20s and had lost three significant others: one in a plane crash, one to cancer, and this woman to random violence. I can't even imagine that poor guy's life, having lost three women he loved so much.

I don't know about family, but their mutual friends had a hard time dealing with it and grew apart from him. Even though all three instances were clearly accidental, I think everyone wanted to blame him for waht happened. And then eventually seeing him was just sad and a reminder of what happened to her.
Reply

sequined was starred sequined was unstarred

sequined
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
One of my exboyfriends had a family that would have been so fucking delightful to watch, but not necessarily delightful to take part in. The mom was a sad case--she lived vicariously through her daughter, and once wore the daughter's prom tiara while she did chores around the house. Which is really, awkwardly weird. The dad had always wanted to teach Kindergarten, but someone had convinced him to work at Boeing instead--more money for the family I guess--and he was sad and regretful about it in a way I think will probably blow up eventually. The sister was the most perfect person on earth until the pressure of it caught up with her and she dropped out of college to become a pothead. I imagine the delight of those holiday dinners sometimes.
Reply

sequined was starred sequined was unstarred

Sev
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
After the treatment I've watched my mother endure at the hands of my dad's mother, I've never expected that a relationship with my potential mother-in-law could be anything but shitty.

Only time will tell but I don't hold much hope.
Reply

Sev was starred Sev was unstarred

hellosunshine
12/08/08

@Sev: My future MIL is still treated like total crap by her MIL, from the day they met to this very day. Boyfriend's grandmother is kind of just a hateful person in general though, but man, GIL is a raging bitch to MIL.
Reply

hellosunshine was starred hellosunshine was unstarred

sybann
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
This was a very beautiful piece. Makes up for all the dreck.
Reply

sybann was starred sybann was unstarred

taranwanderer
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
I LOVED the mothers of both my ex's. Particularly the first one's. She was a literature lecturer at the local college and it was so wonderful to talk books with that woman. Losing her was the worst thing about that break-up.

Anyway, because of those two great experiences, I am deathly afraid of having a MIL or SO's mother I do not get along with. *fingers crossed and praying fiercely*
Reply

taranwanderer was starred taranwanderer was unstarred

Oface
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
My ex's mom and I became extremely close. She was one of the first people I turned to when we broke up. She told me the other day she still mourns the loss of mine and her son's relationship. I mean....I don't cause it was one of the best things that ever happened to me...but at the same time, it meant so much to know she thinks of me like that.
Reply

Oface was starred Oface was unstarred

theruraljuror
12/08/08

@Oface: SAME. I was more upset that I wouldn't have her as a potential mother-in-law than losing the actual boyfriend. We still e-mail every once in a while, but I miss the days when I'd come over and just hang out with her while the BF was getting ready.

She was also really helpful when the bf and I broke up because it was really hard for me. Man, she's awesome.
Reply

theruraljuror was starred theruraljuror was unstarred

hellosunshine
12/08/08

@Oface: My ex's mom is the same way with me. He and I are still friends, but we live on opposite coasts; when we hang out over the holidays back at home, she always calls him all excitedly just to talk to me. It's cute, and I don't mind it at all, as I (apparently mistakenly) thought she didn't like me!
Reply

hellosunshine was starred hellosunshine was unstarred

RoseColette (fewer thorns; more coffee)
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
My MIL did the unthinkable and, imo, unforgivable early on in my and the husband's relationship. What's described in this article would never happen if, universe forbid, he passed away. His dad and stepmom are a different story.
Reply

Majrhoulihan
12/08/08

@rose.of.many.thorns.colette: Well, you piqued my interest.
Reply

Majrhoulihan was starred Majrhoulihan was unstarred

Dashrashi
12/08/08

@rose.of.many.thorns.colette: Sooo...I think you have to say what it was now.
Reply

Dashrashi was starred Dashrashi was unstarred

nellicat
12/08/08

@rose.of.many.thorns.colette: Oh, please spill it! What is unthinkable? All I can unthink of is that she came on to you. . .
Reply

nellicat was starred nellicat was unstarred

RoseColette (fewer thorns; more coffee)
12/08/08

@Dashrashi and @Majrhoulihan: His second deployment to Iraq was the first that we were together for. She wrote a page and a half typed, single-spaced letter about how I was keeping him from his family and trying to break them apart, that I was rude and selfish, and that I was the worst person for him. She sent this letter so that it arrived exactly 1 week after he'd left. She then compounded this by going on and on about what a horrid person I was every time he called her -from Iraq- to say hello. It got so bad he had to tell her to shut it or he would walk out of her life forever. Then she went and gave his ex-gf our home phone number and assured her he wanted to talk to her. Yeah, that got real interesting once he was home.

So, what spawned all this? He and I were having a difficult time adjusting to his leaving and so would spend time talking about our relationship alone, and she felt slighted because we didn't include her in our personal discussion. She's a piece o' work.

In contrast, his dad and stepmom not only left us alone to work all this out for ourselves, but would also periodically call and email to make sure I was holding up okay.
Reply

nellicat
12/08/08

@rose.of.many.thorns.colette: Oh. I have to say I'm disappointed - that's hardly "unthinkable." Sucks that she's such a pill - it is good that your bf's dad & stepmom are supportive, though.
Reply

nellicat was starred nellicat was unstarred

RoseColette (fewer thorns; more coffee)
12/08/08

@nellicat: Get back to me if ever your SO's mother kicks you while you're down and broken and then proceeds to try to force your SO and his/her ex back together while you're trying to just hold life together.

By the by, A woman hitting on another woman isn't the unthinkable -- it's life. And if it's a mom hitting on her son's SO? Depending on how it's handled, it could be damn hilarious and an opportunity for them to go hang out at clubs together. Even women need a "wingman" from time to time. ("Hey...have you met my future mother-in-law?")
Reply

nellicat
12/08/08

@rose.of.many.thorns.colette: Jeez, back down a bit! If you're this hyper-sensitive & jumpy all the time, perhaps your "unthinkable and unforgivable" is a bit um, hyperbolic.

But yeah, woman hitting on woman is not unthinkable. But any parent hitting on child's boyfriend/girlfriend: approaching unthinkable/unforgivable territory.

Sorry - I was primed for a maury povich/jerry springer style "She jumped out of her own son's bachelor party cake" style offense.
Reply

nellicat was starred nellicat was unstarred

RoseColette (fewer thorns; more coffee)
12/08/08

@nellicat: Couple of things: first, you have read into my response and couldn't see the smirk and chuckle at your response, and second, you've twice brought up examples of what you would consider unthinkable and after some initial creepiness they'd just make me bust up laughing.
Reply

nellicat
12/08/08

@rose.of.many.thorns.colette: I am sorry. Obviously I am reading a "tone" that isn't there - my apologies. And yeah, the idea of a woman jumping out of her son's bachelor party cake makes me laugh, too. And go "ew." And then laugh some more.
Reply

nellicat was starred nellicat was unstarred

RoseColette (fewer thorns; more coffee)
12/08/08

@nellicat: I'm sorry I came off sounding like I jumped on you. That wasn't my intent. On the cake, I swear one of these days my friend's mother-in-law will do just that in order to freak out the husband -- and may I be there with a camera to record every single minute!
Reply

monkeyriot
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
I was once almost dumped by a boy because his sisters really liked me. Apparently they hadn't really liked any of his other girlfriends and he hated that I had run into them while they were visiting and had coffee with them (we were studying abroad) while he was in class after we had just spent the night out with them. What was I going to say? No, I won't drink coffee with you? And apparently after they left, whenever they called or emailed, they would ask how I was. I recall sitting on a stoop in tears saying "But what was I supposed to do? MAKE THEM NOT LIKE ME?" as he yelled at me about this.

Then he dateraped me and I dumped him. And punched him in the face on his 21st birthday.
Reply

monkeyriot was starred monkeyriot was unstarred

philoclea
12/08/08

@monkeyriot: @ohdnotthoreau: I agree! It was a really beautiful piece. I almost cried, sitting here at my computer.
Reply

philoclea was starred philoclea was unstarred

RoseColette (fewer thorns; more coffee)
12/08/08

@monkeyriot: Applauding the punching. He deserved it and more. Good on you.
Reply

alecksander
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
I've smoked weed with my boyfriend's mom. Nuff said.
Reply

alecksander was starred alecksander was unstarred

jemandtheholograms
12/08/08

@alecksander:you clearly win best relationship award
Reply

jemandtheholograms was starred

CollegeCamel
12/08/08

@alecksander: jealous. that's my life goal.
Reply

CollegeCamel was starred CollegeCamel was unstarred

NoInheritance
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
"And in some ways, I was a better daughter to her than I was to my own mother. But then, we had never hurt each other the way mothers and daughters inevitably do."

Oh man, I feel that. I sometimes feel guilty about how well my boyfriend's mother and I get along, considering my somewhat-antagonistic relationship with my own mom, but...it's not a competition. I can love them both.
Reply

NoInheritance was starred NoInheritance was unstarred

CollegeCamel
12/08/08

@NoInheritance: I hear ya. I think it really gets to my mom too...she's always trying to prevent me from going to his house to hang out with his family.
Reply

CollegeCamel was starred CollegeCamel was unstarred

BhavBhavBhav
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
My boyfriend's mother absolutely despises me, for no reason other than the fact that I do not want to convert to her religion, so I would probably stay as far away from her as possible.
Reply

BhavBhavBhav was starred BhavBhavBhav was unstarred

musicpup
12/08/08

@BhavBhavBhav the Girl Engineer: My mother had the very same problem with her MIL. MIL was a devout Roman Catholic and was absolutely vile to her Jewish daughter-in-law because - GASP! - my father converted. She kept trying to undermine everything they did, including sending us Christmas cards and inviting us for Easter hunts and stuff even though my parents told her not to. It got so bad Mama had to threaten the woman would not be allowed to see us if she kept it up.
Reply

musicpup was starred musicpup was unstarred

Lazy Line Painter Jane
12/08/08

In reply to "Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It
my parents were married for 25 years when my mom died. 10 years later, my dad is still closer with my mom's parents than with his own. He talks to them (and her sister) almost every day, and when he remarried 6 years ago, my stepmom became part of my mom's family too.

I have other friends who have lost a parent, and things become more complicated for them. The living parent stops going to thanksgiving or something like that.

I'm incredibly lucky that my dad has stayed close with my mom's family and that they have continued to include him in everything.
Reply

georgina
12/08/08

@Lazy Line Painter Jane: It is tough. My uncle (my dad's brother) passed away 7 years ago. But his wife is still included in all family functions. I do wonder if that would change if she were to remarry. My family can be a real pain in the ass at times, but I am proud of everyone for keeping up relationships even after someone has passed. And I know that my uncle would be pleased that she remains a part of our family as well.
Reply

georgina was starred georgina was unstarred

sequined
12/08/08

@georgina: My uncle died ten years ago (which seems terribly long ago, to write it like that) and his wife is still super close with us. My other uncle and aunt (they were three brothers, all three married only once, for 30+ years each) aren't close with my uncle's widow anymore, but I'm not sure they ever really were. My grandma, when she was alive, tried to treat my uncle's widow as a family member still, even though when they first married my grandma wasn't thrilled about it. But she was a classy lady and respected and came to love the woman my uncle loved. Because that's what family does. We've even had her and her new boyfriend over for holidays.
Reply

sequined was starred sequined was unstarred

Earlier discussions Other discussions Show all discussions Show featured discussions only Start a new discussion

#mamasboy

Jezebel

SUBSCRIBE TO Jezebel

"Modern Love" Takes On The Mother In Law Cliché... And Shatters It

Login

Reset Password

Register

Submit Your Comment