Her makeup for Dior's 2004 "Egypt" collection was exquisite: glittery, exaggerated eyes and metallic lips. Suzy Menkes says that McGrath, who was raised in England by a Jamaican immigrant mother, is responsible for "artist's creations." And looking at some of the bizarre, beautiful faces McGrath has created, you can't help but agree: It's art. Albeit art that gets washed down the drain with soap and water.

Menkes also asks McGrath about the lack of diversity on the runway. McGrath's answer is genius in its simplicity: "It's old fashioned, isn't it."

Brush Strokes [NY Times]
Earlier: Fashion Show: Dior

"Respect. Personal Responsibility. Honesty. Compassion. Acceptance." And on the back: "Do you value the uniqueness of others?"

What is this school teaching? Hypocrisy? Double standards? That what you look like when you show up is more important than whether you're ready to learn?

Some people argue that students learn better when there are strict dress codes or uniforms; but isn't school also preparation for the real world? And in the real world, you have to pick out your own clothes (and makeup) and deal with the consequences. But in the real world, you're also allowed to express yourself. And there's nothing in the school "rules" about boys and makeup. Frankly, Matt may be learning a lesson the school never intended: This world can be small-minded, petty and unfair.

Video below, because Matt's pretty adorable:

Boy, 13, Fights For Makeup Rights [UPI]
School Makeup Battle [CNN]

Writes matukonyc:

"Unfortunately, I think describing P & G as 'progressive' is a bit naive. Cover Girl is among the least expensive of major drugstore cosmetics; one could easily argue that marketing to black women is a cynical attempt to make poor people buy their cheap product. Are KFC and McDonald's progressive because they use black people in ads? As for being 'gay-friendly,' I think the fact that Ellen DeGeneres has a popular daytime talk show with the right kind of demographics is why she's in their ads. Capitalism trumps prejudice every time, if the price is right!"

Well, it is a business, after all. But Cover Girl could use whomever they please. Or they could use black woman and, you know, lighten her skin. While it's terrible that cosmetics companies generally promote a "white beauty" standard, is it also awful that only the low-budget brands are willing to embrace the gays and minorities? Should blacks and gays be insulted by their inclusion by Cover Girl? Or, seeing as how many of the people who shop at drug stores for cosmetics are young — or teens — is Cover Girl setting a good example by using diverse "faces"?

Is Cover Girl The Most Progressive Cosmetics Company? [Jossip]
Earlier: Double Takes
Photoshop of Horrors

While the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics seeks to address the issue by getting companies to "pledge to phase out the use of chemicals linked to health problems and replace them with safer ingredients," Garrity developed Organic Diva as a direct resource for products that are not only safe, but vetted — she's extensively tested all of them — and without the confusing jargon, says the Minneapolis Star Tribune: "She's wary of marketing terms such as "natural," "pure," "clean," "green" and "organic" because there are no standards for such adjectives." As Garrity puts it, "If you have a vat of uranium and throw in an organic flower, you still have a vat of uranium...We really need to be thinking nontoxic." Accordingly, any company she promotes on her site have "signed the Compact for Safe Cosmetics; they rate well on the Skin Deep Report developed by the Environmental Working Group (www.ewg.org), they fully disclose their ingredient list," and it has to meet her standards. Both sunscreen and mascara are apparently problematic.

Now, all this is awesome. And I'm sure if I had health problems like Garrity's — or, for that matter, kids — I'd run home right now and toss all my products (many of which have probably fooled me with buzzwords like "pure" and "organic.") Will I? No. I don't smoke and I eat organic and I try to be responsible for my bit of planet but at some point I give into fatalism and stop worrying. Because I'm still stupid enough that I want my sunscreen to glide on — I don't want to rub it between my hands to soften it — and I want my mascara to not clump, damn it! And maybe this is reckless and foolhardy and a product of being young, but I'm always left thinking: what is this Rousseauian purity we're in search of, in which everyone lives forever and never gets cancer? When humans were at their purest — in some pre-historic age, surely, when everything was certainly organic and the air was nothing if not pollution-free - the life-expectancy was probably something like forty. Was there some magical period when purity and hardship didn't overlap? With no scientific or historical backing, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, no. This site sounds awesome, don't get me wrong, and the more resources we have, the better. But from a personal and philosophical perspective, I have to stop worrying about the small-scale things at some point; there are few enough things in this world that only effect you without larger ramifications.

*Debbie Downer sound effect

Beauty Without Toxins[Star Tribune]

Beauty—today that one little world has as many facets as a diamond. it means fashion magazines, models, and movie stars. It means a thousand and one products and services, from cosmetics and the latest fashions, to hair stylists and figure experts. It even means controversy, at least to a few members of Women's Lib, who say that womanly beauty is overstressed. But the desire to be attractive is as natural and timeless as human nature itself. This book, then takes a fresh and happy approach to skin and hair care, make-up and clothes, diet and exercise. And, as a bonus, there's a chapter on the intriguing relationship between looks and self-image, and an in-depth report on cosmetic surgery.

The book starts out with a chapter called "Self-Image, The Key to Your Looks." This part made me laugh:

The desire to be beautiful—or at least without noticeable imperfections—seems to be as universal among women as the desire to succeed is among men....But should we want to be beautiful? We all know what the most militant members of Women's Lib feel on this score....Is there anything in what the militants say? NO, if what they really mean is that we should neglect our looks entirely, just let ourselves go, and devote our energies to self-expression.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

The caption for this picture read, "At the beginning, all of us experiment uncertainly with the paraphernalia of feminine adornment—and who can't remember the delight and excitement of staring into a mirror at a face that is clearly your own, but subtly changed by the unfamiliar magic of the lipstick."

And who can't remember the delight and excitement of realizing that "the lipstick" can somewhat distract people from your pronounced Amblyopia?

A lot of the information on how to make yourself seem "lovelier" seems really counterproductive. Case in point, this lady isn't exactly selling me on the benefits of highlighting:

And while we're on the topic of hair:

This was actually in the book as a "Do" not a "Don't" with the caption reading, "This hairpiece creates an elaborate coiffure for that special evening." What kind of evening? A black-tie cow milking? A night at the circus? Being Tyra Banks at panel?

I was actually disappointed that there weren't better, more exact makeup and hair tips. (Um, how could they not explain back combing, considering the era?) This was about as specific as they got, which seems to be an example of how to go from Woody Allen to RuPaul in 10 steps.

Back to counterproductive, these are facial exercises that are recommended:

That's like putting you on the fast track to Botoxville.

This is a color chart of some kind. I can't make heads or tails of it. Dark skin? Light skin? Wha!? Tell me what friggin' color I'm supposed to wear and in what season.

And lastly, I leave you with boob exercises:

Earlier: Making It With Makeup: How To Get A Great Day Look

Earlier: Benny The Tech Geek Gets A Bikini Wax

First of all, the anti-circle propaganda we hear (they make you look tired! and old!) could be subtly racist, as the undereye circle is particularly prevalent among "African-Americans, Southeast Asians and Southern Italians," the Times points out. The race thing might be an exaggeration, but what's true is that when one covers up their undereye circles, they take away a certain depth and dimension to their faces. When you whitewash that depth, you also potentially whitewash the sexy. [Benicio Del Toro has them, and he is hot! I have 'em, too, and I never wear concealer. — Dodai]

Like Sadie I am a fan of neologisms, and I think part of the under eye circle's problem is public relations. Under eye circle just sounds so…unappealing. How about "vamp ring"? Perhaps "glamor crescent"? Or even "lover's shadow"! Sadie suggests "ombre d'amour." It's like a French perfume from the 20s! Sophia's ombre d'amour is ever so appealing. Fuck it. We should probably just name it after Miss Loren herself. Ladies of the world: unite with your Lorens flashing!

Putting ‘You Look Tired’ To Rest [NYT]

Earlier: The Dumbest, Most Pore-Cloggingly Ineffective Ways To Waste Your Money At Sephora

Makeup artists: as any model knows, some of you are great. Both as individuals, and in the consummate skill of your professional practice. Some of you like good music, some of you like my candidate, some of you went to Brown, some of you speak other languages, and some of you talk about books and politics. In general, I'll be the first to admit that I generally have more problems with your cousins in crime, hair stylists. But this does not mean you're off the hook!

Since the model and the makeup artist form the first quality-time pairing on any shoot, ours is a relationship that, if successful, can make even a tedious, cheesy, or uninspired job at least a little rewarding. Plus: Some of you give mini-facials and kick-ass beauty advice. But it's precisely because a makeup artist works so intimately with every client — our faces might be mere inches apart, our eye contact nearly constant, for 45 minutes while you do a "natural" spacklejob — that a run-in with a bad makeup artist has unique potential for being so thoroughly demoralizing

And if you pull any of these moves on me, I, and any other self-respecting model you work with, will hate you. Forever. Let alone any regular woman whom you might expect to pay you directly to do this to her! If you're guilty of any of the things on this list, then, seriously, good luck with that!

1) Your skin is sooooo dehydrated!

According to my extremely scientific polling, this is the number one complaint of the makeup artist class. Which either means that every model has dry skin, or that models all come to jobs with freshly-washed (and therefore: slightly drier than normal) skin so that makeup artists will have clean, blank canvases upon which to exert their ministrations.

Seriously, guys, the apparently-dry-skin secret is this: We don't go through our whole beauty routines on days we work. Because frankly, you all have about fifteen kinds of cream you like to smear on before getting to the actual makeup anyway, and it sort of seems like a model's place to recuse herself in the face of your preferred methods.

But not if it means that we are criticized for having dry skin! I don't need your suggestion of a new oil cleanser — I already use one! My problem is breakouts, not dryness, my solution is drink more water and maybe less alcohol and caffeine, and I'm totally feigning interest in that miracle eye cream you love, too! And fuck me if I'm buying Crème de la Mer. We're shooting this on spec, recall? I'll be lucky to get out of here with a free pair of jeans.

2) Bacteriffic brushes

They make these things that are like mascara wands that you dip, brush onto a model's lashes, and then throw away. Steal them from Sephora if you must.

Once a makeup artist used a single-use brush for my first mascara application of the day, and then, a few hours later, dashed in for a touch-up with her Great Lash Waterproof's own sticky, abused wand. "Oh," she said, noting my horrified visage. "This mascara will just go on over the mascara you're already wearing. So I'm not actually putting it on your eyes."

Until you're the one at risk of pink eye, I reserve the right to give you a don't-piss-on-my-leg look. And to ask you to use my mascara, which I take with me to every job just in case.

3) Pointy pencils

Related to above: Makeup artists who try to use dirty, unsharpened eye and lip pencils, I hate you. And when I ask you, nicely, to please expose some fresh lead before you wave that shit all over my mucous membranes, it would be a relief if you were to resist the urge to pull back aghast, sneer playing about your lips, and furiously carve an eye pencil into a rapier point before raking it all over the inside of my upper and lower lids. Do you want me to cry? Because I will, and then you will have to do it all completely over again, and if that is what you want…well Sartre had a point I guess!

4) The areas of my expertise

Don't tell me how to pose for a goddamn picture and I promise I won't lecture you on the UV-protecting differences between titanium dioxide and mexoryl SX. Each of us has a role in this team sport called fashion, and I expect you to respect my work just as much as I respect yours.

Also: If we're on a fucking test shoot together, both donating our time? And you take a peek at my book? Don't suppress a giggle, pat my hand, and tell me it's the worst portfolio you've seen since Lluvy was on ANTM. And don't follow up with a nicey-nice speech about how much the photos we're doing together are going to help my career. Because if we're both laboring unpaid, the Groucho Marx rule applies, and I'm willing to bet your book isn't a wonder of the western world, either.

5) Brainless commentary

"So, like, which are the Amish, and which are the Mormons? What's the difference between the two? Really? So are the Mormons, like, Christian? Huh. Where do the Amish live? What about Quakers? Who are they? Ok. So which drive the horse-and-buggies? Do the people with the weird clothes drive the horse-and-buggies as well?" My, aren't you curious! Have you ever considered retaining information? You won't gain any water weight, I promise!

6) The fake eyelash and you

True story: Once a makeup artist put fake lashes on my left eye upside down. Instead of curling upwards and outwards and bringing out my inner Judy Garland, the lashes turned inwards and attacked my cornea like so many spider legs. In removing the fake lash strip, he was so careless with the solvent that ripped out four of my own. Then he had the toe-curling awfulness to chide me for crying. If you think you're ready for Advanced Makeup Artistry: Falsies, you better know what the fuck you're doing.

7) Offensive smells

You're going to be in my face. I don't want to smell lashings of your: B.O., favorite perfume, last night's booze, signature cologne, breakfast burrito, or halitosis. I'll embrace the same scent-minimal lifestyle for your sake.

8) I'm not your bitch, bitch!

When did I give my permission to you, a stranger, to call me Bitch! in a cheerfully-passive-aggressive kind of way? Oh, you're a homosexual man? Bitch, find a husband to bitch to! I have a name and I would love it if you'd do me the outrageous courtesy of using it.

9) Stickybeaking

Yes, our jobs require us to spend a significant amount of time more or less gazing into each other's eyes. Yes, I find this physical intimacy strangely out-of-place without its natural complement, intellectual and emotional intimacy. Yes, if we have conversational chemistry, I'd love, if it comes up, to tell you about this guy I once dated, or how I have this weird room-mate who never eats and that makes me uncomfortable, and I'd love to hear about your breakup and your cat and this asshole your best friend just started dating, too.

No, the answer is never to launch unprompted into monologue overshare mode. No, I do not appreciate pointed questions about personal matters from someone I met five minutes ago. No, I don't want your financial advice, and I don't want you to tell me that my prickliness is all because I'm a Capricorn, or because I must not have a close relationship with my sister, or some shit. There are plenty of topics I'm willing to talk about with a near-stranger, and a good few I'll broach if the circumstances seem ripe. But do not treat me as your patient-listener BFF, and do not cast yourself in the role of my therapist, OK?

10) Be Prepared

"Oh, yeah, this is like the best makeup remover ever. Mmmhmm. It comes from Tahiti — I pick it up whenever I'm passing through — and it's made with extracts of a plant that only grows attached to the trunks of trees, 30-60 ft. above the rain forest floor on the mountains of Samoa. Yeah it's a really super soft and conditioning remover, you know? It would be great because you have such dry skin, totally. And because I've spent, like, all day shoveling on the makeup with a trowel! I bet it'll look great in the pictures, you know, since your book is, bitch, can we be frank? A total mess. And not a hot one! But let me see. I don't think I have enough remover left in the bottle to just give you some. Oh, you didn't bring any of your own? And you want to take the drag-queen lashes that took me four tries to get right off before you ride the subway home? Huh. Well. I tell you what — here's a cotton ball and there's a sink down the hall. Oh! Look! I just dug up a baby wipe from the Reagan administration. Will these do? OK then! Hope to see you soon, bitch — work on that posing in the mirror like I showed you. Kisses!"

Questions? Quibbles? Impassioned defenses of your artform? Send 'em to: Tatiana.Anymodel@gmail.com

Q: Hi, I have a skincare question. I get spring allergies — really strong ones to tree pollen. As a result, I get itchy, watery eyes, a runny nose, and asthma. Pretty lame. And though my skin isn't directly affected, the watering of my eyes and the constant use of tissues on my face cause the areas around my eyes and nose to chap. Like your lips chap. The skin gets rough, and very irritated; after a while, toward the end of my allergies, it'll peel like really mild sunburn. In the past I've just desperately stepped up my normal routine — moisturize twice a day, with more moisturizer. I use Clinique and always have — I adore it. When it gets really irritated, I'll put rosebud salve, Vaseline, or even Chapstick on it to soothe it. Worse, the irritated skin gets really dark and red, and makeup looks hideous on top of it. Is there anything out there that would help heal this skin without waiting out the three months of hay fever? I'm willing to spend a little cash on this. Thanks!

I have something for you! There is a product called Hydra Healer Maximum Strength Moisture Cream made by a company called Cosmedicine. The company was started by a doctor who has incredibly sensitive skin to the point where showering hurt him and he was perpetually red and flaky and gross like what you're talking about. So he made this stuff for himself, more or less. This product has 11% hyaluronic acid, which is a natural substance that bonds and binds to water. One molecule attracts something like a thousand molecules of water. So this helps you hold on to the water you have in your skin already. This is not a light cream, it's greasy as fuck, but it's probably less greasy than Vaseline or Rosebud Salve. I think you'd do very well with that. Bad news: it's $75 for an ounce. That amount should get you through an allergy season, though.

Q: I just needed to find someone that works at Sephora! If you wouldn't mind telling me a little about working there? We're opening our first Sephora here in Montreal and i just had my interview which went pretty well, the store director is new also she only started a month ago. I just wanted to know if we get reduced pay for the SOS training? Do we get paid at all? and what is training like? Is it hard to remember all the products? And how much is employee discount? And whats the uniform like? And how long do they take to call you back after an interview? The store director told me that SOS starts May 2nd so i'm expecting by next week! I always wanted to work at Sephora. How many employees are there in one store? I'm sorry for so many questions i just want to be ready!! thank you so much!

You are hilarious. So, you should be called back within a week, and if not, they don't want you. Yes, you're paid in full for training. Have you ever had a job before? Sigh. Training is like: they give you a big huge Trapper-Keeper full of information about your skin and your makeup and your eyes and all this other shit. You learn the "Sephora way" of putting on makeup and Sephora hygiene, which is basically how you handle the testers in front of the guest. Like, it's not a Q-tip. I mean, it is, but Sephora calls it a cotton-tipped swab, which is what you have to call it should you ever need to directly refer to that thingy you use to put whatever product you're helping someone test on the back of your hand. Then you throw that thingy out, never to be seen again. They will teach you, very specifically, to clean out sample jars with spray alcohol and a tissue before putting a product in them to give to guests. To put the product in the now extremely hygienic jar, you use a little spatula that you also then throw away immediately. No, it's not hard to remember the products. It all gets lodged in your brain against your will eventually. If you don't know a lot about skin care stuff, start reading all the backs of the products while you're in the store to familiarize yourself with the ingredients. Read the little Sephora catalog magazine-y thing. Or go on the website. Figure out what's up. The employee discount is 40% for Sephora brand things and 20% for everything else. The uniform looks like you got hired to work on the Starship Enterprise, but the Starship Enterprise was turned into a cruise ship and now you're a waiter. But you know what? It's very slimming. Maybe kind of like the kind of thing a female presidential bodyguard in the future would wear. I've thought about wearing it out before.

Q: I've never tried waterproof foundation before, but Sephora, break-outs, and the prospect of pool season have me tempted. Do any of Sephora's waterproof foundation/cover-up brands hold up to the pool and the beach?

Yeah, none of it is really waterproof, even if it says it is. It might be water resistant. Whatever. Your best bet is to probably wear something super heavy that will wear off more slowly. I think is good is Laura Mercier's Stick Foundation That shit stays ON. It's thicker than what you might be used to. They are not kidding when they say it is full-coverage. I tend to recommend this to older women who have a really extreme makeup look going on already. Make Up Forever's Panstick foundation might be good, too, especially if you mix it with concealer. It was made by the woman who does makeup for Cirque du Soleil, so it's going to last a lot longer than a lot of other products under adverse conditions. This range has lots of amazing shades. Alek Wek and Tilda Swanson could seriously both find something that suited them from Make Up Forever. Honestly, though? Unless you are absolutely sure that your skin is like scaring-small-children hideous and it's not just in your head, just go have fun at the pool and don't worry about foundation, especially if you're acne-prone.

Q: Now for my real beauty question. I have become a tweezing addict, I have all of my facial hair completely on lockdown without the help of lasers or chemicals. However, my under jaw and upper neck area has developed this gross pattern of dark spots. I'm African American and have a light skin tone; the only thing that I can attribute it to is how men get shaving bumps, but mine are not bumps, they are dark spots. I've never had acne and the rest of my face is great, to the point where I don't wear foundation or powder. I have oily/combo skin so i just blot and wear blush and mascara. What should I do about the spots? I'm wary of lightening creams, these seem not good for darker skin. Also, I can't NOT pluck. Letting hair grow on my neck and chin is not acceptable. Thanks for any help you can offer!

Basically, you have hyperpigmentation. Melanin is something the skin produces to fight trauma, which is the reason that people get tan from the sun before they burn. Anyway, plucking counts as trauma. Jesus, now that I think about it, you are hardcore. I can't imagine plucking hairs out from the underside of my chin. I think I'd wake up the neighbors with my shrieks. Can't you just shave it? I might do that. Anyway, there are a few things you can do if you want to lighten hyperpigmentation gently, without resorting to hydroquinone. I mean, I love hydroquinone. I'm olive-skinned and it doesn't do anything creepy to me. But if you're not into essentially bleaching parts of your face, DDF Intensive Holistic Lightener might be up your alley. Peter Thomas Roth also makes one called Potent Skin Lightening Gel Complex. These awesome science fiction sounding names make these products sound a lot more intense than they actually are. Use a Q-Tip and put it directly on your spots. It should do some kind of something for your problem.

Q: Do you use a primer? Are primers all basically the same thing, or do different ones give different results? Which ones should I spend my tax refund on?

If you have oily skin, large pores, or acne, there's a product in the skincare section by Dr. Brandt called Pores No More. You can use it before makeup or wear it by yourself. Basically it's like putting a product on that has ingredients that will treat your skin type. One of their main ingredients is still dimethicone, which is the ingredient that is in primers, typically speaking. Then Smashbox makes a million different primers in about a million different colors that all do different things. Mostly, they are pigmented for people who are trying to correct their skin tone, which I think is often some musical theater shit and not necessarily something a woman just going to work or something needs. Some of them aren't corrective, though. I'd go for one of those, like maybe the Photo Finish. That's popular. Anyway, these are also dimethicone based.

Q: I just saw your interview on Jezebel.com today for the first time. I have to say that it was possibly one of the most entertaining things I've read on a blog. I really familiarize with you because I worked for Shiseido for a long while and I, too, am a huge product junkie. ...which leads me to my next question... I'm just about to run out of my face cream (Fresh) and my eye cream (Shiseido Bio-Performance). The face cream is.. well... "eh" The eye cream I love, but am looking into other options. I have combination skin. Any recommendations? Best, Matt

Awww, it's a BOY! So cute. Anyway, Shiseido Bio-Performance is really heavy! You're not fucking around, are you? Well, I don't know much about you, but if you're into Bio-Performance, you like stuff that a lot of other people will think is super-greasy. Primordiale Optimum is a day cream from Lancome that I think is called "Primordiale" because it is typically purchased by old ladies. Anyway, that's good and thick and oughta do something. Christian Dior has an eye cream called Capture R60/80 Wrinkle that is really emollient and it has that tech sounding name that makes me think men could get into it. People swear by this stuff. It really does kind of de-puff your eyes and smooth out the wrinkles.

Earlier: The Dumbest, Most Pore-Cloggingly Ineffective Ways To Waste Your Money At Sephora
•Mineral Makeup! Lip Plumpers! Oil Cleansers! Colonics? Sephora Spy Spills All, And More!
•How I Conquered My Cystic Acne, In (Just!) 17 Painful Steps
•I Work Here To Feed My Sick Fancy Product Addiction; The Least I Can Do Is Help You
•Meet Jasmine, Our New Sephora Undercover Agent

Earlier: •Bikini Waxes, Highlights & 'Tramp Stamps': That's What Little Girls Are Made Of
•How Many 8-Year-Olds Have To Get Bikini Waxes Before We All Agree The Terrorists Have Won?

My makeup-addled mind has discovered numerous ways to make the most of this idle time spent applying and removing makeup/clothing and doing hair, and now it's time to share those secrets with you.

Buy a shower radio. No, I am not together enough to have one myself. I don't even have a fucking radio in my house. If I did, maybe I would have showered already. And listened to Marketplace, which I really miss from the days when I had a car. Ha, ha, ha, if only I had a car so I could listen to the radio; that is the kind of thought that makes me really proud to be a girl.

Get Your Makeup Tattooed On. This is something Tracie and I are always threatening to do. When we are drunk, of course. Just on our lips; even when I'm wasted I don't like the idea of a needle lining my eyes. But your lips are durable, and constantly shedding so it wouldn't last that long. Oh, what? Like this is such a much better use of time!

Air: God created it for a reason. And that reason is to dry your hair. WITHOUT THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH-RING IN YOUR EARS SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE BOOK-ON-TAPE. You are listening to some book about Islam and the economy, or something lofty where the information is more important than the prose, I am sure. This is another thing I have never actually done. But I would! If I had to ever look/sound presentable.

ColorStay Lipstick. Buy this before the Chinese discover it is made of lead! Because it really cuts down on the amount of time you spend reapplying/worrying about reapplying lipstick. Most likely because it is made of lead.

Read about wars before squeezing your pores. I've found that, being a girl — and you know how it is hard for girls to comprehend military strategy type stuff — it is easier to keep my facts straight on defense issues if I go squeeze my pores immediately afterwards, with my various rogue pores representing Middle Eastern trouble spots. Like for instance: Iran and Iraq and Saudi are the nose, with Saudi vaguely representing the easiest place to get oil, then Israel is this hormonal pimple in the middle of my left cheek, and then there is this terrible hard-to-reach zone next to my left nostril where blackheads really just dominate the entire region and I would spend more time working on it if only I could see anything there: Afghanistan.

Could You Last A Day Without Make-Up? [Times of London]
Making Up Is Hard To Do [Washington Post]

The first thing that happens upon walking into a Sephora store is a feeling of profound disorientation. While you're busy steeling your self-esteem against the incredibly bright lighting and omnipresent mirrors, display after display of beauty products are working their subliminal coercion on the rest of you, saying, "we can fix you. It'll be fun!" Before you even have a chance to pull out your fuck finger at such a blatant attempt at consumer manipulation, you realize that Sephora is probably right. With over 250 different brands of beauty products under one roof, if you can't find something fun to fix you at Sephora, it might be time to consider quiet resignation as your last remaining option.

It is difficult to overstate how sickeningly profitable that quiet resignation is for Sephora and the multibillion dollar multinational conglomerate that has owned it since 1997, Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessey. For one thing, makeup is a pretty profitable racket to begin with. Then there's the fact that the average lipstick at Sephora costs $25, and that most of Sephora's brands were virtual unknowns before Sephora picked them up, so with 766 stores in 21 countries, they have Wal-Mart-esque buying power. Then you've gotta remember how small everything is. It's hard to find a store where a $100 item takes up less shelf space that doesn't involve a "Genius Bar"; the average store is estimated to generate $1,200 in sales per square foot every year.

But what really helps Sephora stay profitable is its workforce. Unlike the overeager artistes that lord over department store makeup counters, with their business cards and bags of drag queen-lite makeup tricks, the black lab coat-clad ladies of Sephora are mostly invisible until you ask them to appear. They make $10 an hour. Perhaps to compensate for their meager wages they are taught to speak in a mysterious code language, abide by strange rules and fill their brains with limitless quantities of beauty trivia all in the hopes of attaining eligibility for "Science Of Sephora," the chain's own month-long beauty school. And this is where "Jasmine" comes in. Below, the anonymous insider talks to me about life on "stage" at Sephora... and why she puts up with managers like Cunty Claus. Got questions for her? Email her directly at SephoraSpy@gmail.com.

What made you do it?
I really, really want to do their training. It's called S.O.S, or Science of Sephora. You go for a month, just beauty training every day like it's your job. The reps from all the different companies show up and give you demos of all their products and give you stuff. You learn fragrance notes, skincare ingredients, makeup techniques... just everything. And the gratis is out of control. They give you everything, DDS Mesojections, Prevage, crazy samples of everything, all this makeup that's like specifically picked out for you, a whole skincare regimen, just really great gratis. The gratis is amazing even without having been to S.O.S. yet, just what you get to keep from working at the store. There's always a brand rep coming by with more shit for you to take home. But I was thinking that I'd get to S.O.S., grab my mother lode, and quit after that if I can't stand it anymore. They can probably smell my S.O.S ambition all over me at this point, too. I am no joke. I'm always talking about skin care, sticking my fingers in everything, trying things out when I'm on stage, which is a no-no... we're not supposed to be trying anything during our shift.

Wait... "on stage"?
The "stage" is the sales floor. Then "backstage" is anywhere that isn't the sales floor. I'm not an employee, I'm a "cast member." It's never called a uniform, it's called a "costume." And I mean... that's just like, wearing black. Your bosses are "leadership." The best part is that you wear those little headphones so people are having entire conversations using this lingo over the headsets and it's all I can do not to crack up when I hear things like, "Hi, this is Cast Member X, I'm on stage right now, I'd like to pop backstage, I have coverage in my zone." And it's astonishing to me that people will have full conversations using these words and no one is flinching. Whole conversations of... "pushback." "Pushback" is like, comments or a reply to the "gift" I gave you or whatever else I just told you.

Which brings me to another term, "the gift." If they're going to give you extra work or say something horrible to you about yourself, it's called a "gift." Like, "Your makeup looks like shit today, I just wanted to let you know, if you want to go in the back and re-do the whole thing..." That is a "gift" employees are often on the receiving end of at Sephora. Or, "I need to you to go in the back with all this stuff, and put it away. Here. This is my gift for you."

Are you supposed to say "thank you" when you get a gift?
I always do. Here's the thing: I think a lot of the company lingo is meant to hide the fact that it's work. Because I think any adult actually doing this for the income or like, for their actual career would probably kill themselves. We don't work on commission. I make eleven bucks an hour, and I think that I'm actually one of the higher-paid cast members at my store. The average is probably nine or ten dollars an hour. But, a lot of people are... two of my co-workers are what, eighteen, nineteen? And their first jobs before Sephora were in fast food. So this job is paying them a lot more. It's also a job with a certain kind of clout, a certain kind of clientele, and they're learning something. One of them is like, exceptionally good-looking with the best skin ever, so I wouldn't be surprised if they just have her there to like, walk around and make the store look good. Plus, we get all the training we need from the company. The only other retail job I've ever worked was when I was sixteen, at a GAP out in the suburbs. When Sephora came to town—I mean, at one point, I know I said I'd never work a retail job again. Horrifying. I just wanted to get out and never go back. However, when Sephora came to town, it kind of re-wrote the script for me and I was willing to work on their "stage." The information I think I can get if I can make myself stay long enough is basically a free education. I like going to work in high-glamour mode every day, thinking about these things. Left to my own devices, I don't want to say I don't care about beauty, but I'm less inclined to... you know, obsess and I've definitely never paid this level of attention before. So it's interesting to me on that level.

Which products are you into right now?
Well, today I'm wearing the BeneFit line. There are a bunch of things on my face. I really think they do a good job with little trick products, iridescence products, color correction, highlighting stuff. There's a BeneFit product for every different part of your face, and if you use them together, they really do make your skin look flawless. I also just bought a bottle of Christian Dior J'Adore. It's this Old Hollywood kind of floral scent, and the bottle is really glamorous. I liked the idea of finishing off my Old Hollywood look with this aura of perfume mystique. But I don't know if this is really the fragrance for me. I'm still somewhat dissatisfied with it. I'm really into face serums, too. kojic acid is big for me. It brightens your skin, and it's a gentler alternative to hydroquinone, which basically gives you cancer. People use it all the time anyway, but I prefer the kojic acid products. It's funny, because everyone who works at Sephora always wants to work in Color World, which is where all the makeup is... and we all have to take our turns in every World, just to keep everything kind of fluid... but I like Beauty World. I think skin care is my thing. I also really like working with the clients. Not customers, customers are one-time-only visitors. Clients are people who keep coming back, and they're what we want to make every customer. But it always makes me feel really good when people come in with these skin problems that are completely valid and just making them feel horrible about themselves... like a twenty-four year old girl with really bad acne who walks in never having really used anything except like ProActiv... and I can hook her up. And be really reassuring at the same time because it's horrible to have to walk into a store and be like, "help my face, please!" But if I'm working Beauty World that day, I know that girl will leave feeling good. Another thing that I like is that people can return anything they want, even if it's half-empty, and we give out samples of everything. The Sephora people call that "confidence." Sephora is huge on "confidence."

What's the worst part about working there?
Routinely being spoken to like I'm an autistic third grader. There's this whole chain of command in retail where people feel really entitled to speak down to you. If a client isn't doing it, "leadership" is doing it, and it's always worse when it's someone you have to see every day, like one of my managers, who I like to call Cunty Claus. It's a good thing we don't work on commission, because it would be like "Pretty Woman" in there. There are days when I'm like, 'this is ridiculous,' but I try not to let that out so much. I just keep thinking Science of Sephora... Science of Sephora... Science of Sephora.

Ms. Applebaum points out that model Natalia Vodianova, who was born in Russia and has been a Vogue cover girl, would not have had the opportunity to be the face of Calvin Klein (and move away from her mother's abusive boyfriends) in the USSR before 1989. But, points out the Free Exchange writer, clearly Vodianova had parents, so her "superior" DNA was there whether she had access to makeup or not. In other words, eff makeup, eff Vogue.

But there is one thing Russian women can thank us for: Lung cancer and drug addiction. The number of Russian females smoking cigarettes went from 7% in 1992 to almost 15% by 2003, reports UPI. Dr. Anna Gilmore from the University of Bath says, "The fact that the transnational tobacco companies have managed to drive up male smoking rates from already high levels is incredibly alarming — there is already a major demographic crisis in Russia and smoking, which already accounts for nearly half of male deaths." Deaths of Russian women from smoking are not quite as high but females will "catch up fast," Dr. Gilmore warns. Vogue, Revlon & R.J. Reynolds: Isn't globalization great?

Where Did All Those Gorgeous Russians Come From? [Slate]
The Market For Beauty And Other Excellences [The Economist]
Russian women smokers have doubled [UPI]

"People would put whitening on their skin and over time, it would eat the skin away, causing all sorts of scarring," says Kevin Jones, curator at the FIDM Museum in L.A. "And the way they covered that up was to apply thicker amounts of the makeup, which would then exacerbate the situation. It was a horrible process, once you got started you couldn't stop."

Sure, but we're totally sane and safe now, right? Well, in 1930, Lash Lure, and eyelash dye, caused 16 cases of blindness and one death. The FDA started monitoring these things in 1938, yet a third of lipsticks contain lead, says a study released in October 2007. And in November, US marshals seized 12,000 tubes of Age Intervention Eyelash, a product designed to make lashes long. They suspected the stuff could harm your vision. (The FDA oversees cosmetics, but after the fact; removing items that prove to be unsafe. Unlike drugs, cosmetics are not required to have clinical trials before they hit the market.) So from piercing (ears) to courting skin cancer to altering your posture, how far are we willing to go to look more alluring?

Suffering For Beauty Has Ancient Roots [MSNBC]
Related: Potentially harmful cosmetic eye product seized [MSNBC]
Earlier: Is Your Lipstick Poisoning You?
Oldies But Goodies: Savage Tan
Fashion Victims

Welcome to "Blushing Snides," a regular Jezebel beauty and makeup feature that will probably change names when we think of something less completely retarded. Our first installment was inspired by Moe's impassioned defense of red lipstick over nudes and the various "spermy" tones, which triggered a small commenter outcry and prompted Jezebel's two foremost product connoisseurs, BiscuitDoughJones and LoMorale, to privately express their dissent. "It's a lie perpetuated by the insidious cosmetic industry that everyone looks good in red lipstick! They don't!" said Dough, herself a makeup artist. "And, oh god, SO NINETIES," added Lo. After much deliberation it was agreed that red lipstick can work only if a few common pitfalls are avoided. And by a "few," we mean a lot. After the jump, Lo & Dough's Six Most Common Lipstick Fuckups, from "Retrodiculous" to "Brick Whorehouse," as told through the faux smiles of Gwen, Posh, Christina Aguilera and more of your favoritest celebs!

The Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

You know those mole people who live in the New York subway system, totally outside of society as we know it and away from Vitamin-D rich sunshine as we know it? WHBJ is what would happen if a wealthy philanthropist like, say, lipstick mogul Poppy King, got her hands on one of the girl mole people and thought she'd spruce her up to bring her along to a $1400-a-plate benefit dinner. White skin plus white eyelashes plus squinty eyes plus red lipstick equals scary ghost-shade thing flitting about the room looking for souls to suck. I mean, we blame Poppy King and not the mole people for this, of course. But still.
How Not To Be Her: This goes out to all the Super Anglos out there: If you're really pale with light-colored eyes and white-blonde hair, there's a chance red lipstick will make you look like a ghost in a powdered wig. Warm up your complexion with a little blush or bronzer around your hairline to frame your face. Then sweep the color onto the tops of your cheek & browbones to make it look like your milky ass has seen the sun sometime within the last 3 years. Lightly fill in your brows and apply enough mascara to reveal the fact that you actually have lashes. Essentially, you'll be drawing your face back on, because red lips are gonna wash you out. Choose true reds with blue undertones, as plums or corals will make your look too dated. Like fedoras. And Wayfarers. And leggings...


The Orange Julius
Bitch, did you just drink five of them? Oh, that's just your lipstick. Psych. I mean, it looks cute. No, really.
How Not To Be Her: Coral lipstick is not the easiest thing to pull off. It's best for girls with an olive or golden-toned complexion. If you're pale and pink and want to wear orange lipstick anyway, use a bit of bronzer on the rest of your face. Stay away from coral red if you're a spray-tan soldier, unless the look you're going for is 'beta-carotine imbalance'. Also, choose a lipstick that's a satin finish, not too glossy, not too matte. If you go glossy, it looks like you swabbed your mouth with an orange Tootsie Pop. Uh, not that I ever did that in grade school or anything, noo... If you do coral in a matte, your look will be more along the lines of drinking too much Slice. I fuckin loved Slice. Last night the fiance and I were watching 'Thrashin' and it was all Slice tee shirts and hot pink NASH skateboards. Do they still make that soda? Anyway, coral lipstick looks better in person than it photographs. Remember that the night you choose to wear coral is the night you get arrested for beating up paparazzi.

Retrodiculous
You know that Dita Von Teese broad? She has an excuse. She actually is a burlesque dancer recreating a bygone era in which women who took their clothes off for money couldn't find husbands. Unlike Ms. Von Teese and her professional tassel-twirling compatriots, Retrodiculous is just some girl sporting an overly literal interpretation of the pitch-black hair, powdered face, liquid eyeliner, and honking red lips of an era so bygone she could not possibly remember it. It's not that this looks bad, necessarily. It's just corny. Retrodiculous needs to get up off Bettie Page's long-dead, leopard-print jock and join the Now.
How Not To Be Her: One can avoid Retrodiculosity fairly easily. When you decide to don the red, keep the rest of the face tidy, but really minimal. Lay the hell off of the cakey foundation, opt instead for a tinted moisturizer for some glow. Oh, and keep the cat-eyes in check by only lining your eyes in the thinnest of razor-thin swipes of black liner just along the lashes. And don't pout about it. Nobody likes a 'Cry-Baby'.


The Snaggle-Toothed Tiger
Fucked-up grills can be kind of adorable on the right girl. She's flawed, see? Imperfect and human, just like you and me. Add some red lipstick into this equation, though, and it's a whole different beast: the Snaggle-Toothed Tiger... hungry for some fresh jugular. The STT stalks the world, blissfully unaware of the citizens scrambling for a good hiding place every time she bares her scary carnivore teeth to say, "heeeeyyy."
How Not To Be Her: Two words: Crest Whitestrips. If you've got crooked teeth, you may as well eliminate the other common tooth-related malady and bleach your shit. I don't care how white you think your teeth are, they could stand to be whiter, trust. Also, try covering your mouth when you smile and giggle in a coy manner. It works for Japanese women...(I'm so totally kidding)


The Brick Whorehouse
I mean, I love the 90s too, but Brick Whorehouse's makeup bag remains willfully ignorant of the concept that as soon as there's a VH1 series about something, it's time to surrender the fantasy. Flat, matte, brick lips are not just charmingly anachronistic when the B-Dub forgets to exfoliate her lips and there are like, little lip-skin balls all rolled up in her sludgy coat of Revlon. They are prime material for a good old-fashioned Shame Spiral.
How Not To Be Her: Prep your lips for darker lipstick by first lightly exfoliating with a soft-bristle toothbrush and some warm water. Then apply some balm and give it a few minutes to soak in. I guess you can use the next few minutes to listen to your favorite Arrested Development tape or something. After the second-to-last chorus of 'Tennessee', go ahead and slick on some light, glossy brown-red lipstick (Clinique Black Honey is the joint). Now you're free to make out with Jordan Catalano in the boiler room.



Smearabella
A set of impeccably red lips calls for an etiquette skill set just as impeccable. Smearabella fails to realize that her look of choice necessitates no eating, drinking, frenching, tolerating bear-hugs from men taller than she is, drooling cocaine snot all over herself, or anything else (fun) that might cause her red lipstick to migrate from her lips onto... whatever. You will know her by the cherry Kool-Aid moustache that graces her nasolabial region as though she has a perpetual case of windburn, the stack of other people's dry-cleaning bills on her bedside table, and the disdainful expressions of busboys everywhere.
How Not To Be Her: Red lipstick is more high-maintenance than those insufferable bitches on The Fashionista Diaries. So, take Devora Rose's advice and, like, don't eat. Ever. Until you wipe that shit off. Nobody wants to re-enact the love scene from Lady and the Tramp if they know there's a half-tube of MAC Russian Red getting all over their end of the cappellini. But you can also secure your lipstick's future on your mouth only by applying your color correctly: Follow the prepping instructions on 'Brick Whorehouse' (complete with Arrested Development) then line the lips in red pencil. Fill the lips in with the pencil. Lightly powder. Apply the red lipstick. Blot. Apply lipstick again. Blot. Contemplate the word 'redundant', then gaze upon your resplendent reflection. I'm not gonna tell you to make kissy-face at your reflection, because chances are you were going to do that anyway.

"Feel your skin!" commanded the beauty adviser, taking my hand and running it along my face. "It's so uneven. You have dry patches and your pores are clogged!"

Here's what happened, as best as I can recall. I sat down; she said something like, "What do you like?" Having applied makeup to my face every day for approximately fifteen years I had some preferences and opinions about which I filled her in, at which point she pinched the delicate skin underneath my eyes with her tiny hands and commenced poking the insides of my eyelids with a sharp navy blue eye pencil. "Look up. Look up!" she said. "Why do you keep pointing your face up?" "Your skin is so dry," she said. "You don't drink water." Also: "Stop pointing your face up!" Also: "You have very large pores." Also: "No, I will apply your mascara, please let me do my job."Also: "It is going to look like you have a lot of foundation on your skin, but I needed to use a lot because of your pores."

After thirty minutes of this, I will admit, I was beginning to crack. As someone who has survived a lifetime with a distinctly infuriating combination of mouth whose largeness is eclipsed only by eyes whose size is eclipsed only by schnozz, I felt an abiding, soul-stirring sort of pessimism as I felt myself covered with navy eye smudge whose massive quantity was rivalled only by year-old mascara whose thirty nine layers were equalled only — actually the mascara was almost dwarfed — by pink glitter.

I took a look in the mirror: it was all too much. Like, way too much. I began to sob uncontrollably. I ran. Fled, really.

No, yeah, I know. It was some Abu Ghraib shit for real.

No, I Wasn't Mugged. Why Do You Ask? [NY Times]

• Women who use makeup every day are said to absorb five pounds of makeup per year into their skin; some believe the chemicals contribute to cancer. [Telegraph
  
• One way to fight date-rape: Condoms on cocktails. [ABCNews]
  
• New rule! A judge in Nebraska says that a woman who has been raped cannot use the word "rape" (or "assault") in her testimony. [Feministing]
  
• Middle-aged women are at more of a risk of stroke than men. [Telegraph]

Maybe so, but we'd like to posit another theory: With the success of retailers like Sephora and the ever-growing trend towards high-priced, designer makeup — and the fact that very few women ever "finish" makeup like lipstick, eyeliner or blush — who blames them for not throwing this stuff away? Personally, we're loathe to trash a $26 lipstick after only six months to a year. So maybe the problem is less about hoarding and more about ridiculous prices for fancy sticks made of pigmented-wax and moisturizers. If Chanel or Dior manufactured a lip-color that came at half the price and with half the amount of product, we'd be more likely to buy it, use it, and toss it in a timely fashion. Or maybe we should all just buy L'Oréal instead of Lancôme.

Beauty Experts Slap Health Warning On Lipsticks Past Their Sell-By Date [Guardian]
Related: Detox Your Make-Up Bag [Mirror]

Martial arts man Jackie Chan has launched an eponymous line of organic skincare products. Just what the world's been waiting for! First supermodel Cindy Crawford and now Chan. Isn't everyone just dying to look like the 52-year old Asian stuntman?
http://www.jackiechan.com/news_view?cid=543

When you're prepping for holiday travel don't forget that the EU and the US now require you to keep anything remotely liquid (mascara, lip gloss, cuticle cream) in a clear plastic bag if you're carrying it on (and you cannot carry more than 3oz containers) http://www.tsa.gov. Try this charming little makeup case from NYC's Flight 001http://www.flight001.com/store/index.htm?SID. Far more fashionable than a Ziploc.