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You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!

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johnva
08/12/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
As I male, I do not understand this at all (although I'll admit that I've encountered some minor hostility over it from other males). My wife kept her name, and I wouldn't have imagined trying to "make" her take mine. It's her name after all, so why should I care if that's what she wants? I'd rather she feel free to make her own decisions than insist on it. And it wasn't even something I had to "get over"; I honestly never cared one way or the other. I probably wouldn't change my own name (something I've seen some men do), but I wouldn't ever demand that the woman changing hers.
Interestingly, laws on this seem to vary. Apparently, in South Carolina, where my mom recently got remarried, the marriage license forms just automatically assume the woman will be legally changing her name unless she opts out of it explicitly. Here in Virginia, it's the opposite: marriage licenses don't have anything to do with changing your name legally, which is a separate process. I thought the Virginia one seemed a lot more progressive when I compared them.
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voteforme
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
I think that this issue is a bit of a red herring. It has a lot to do with anticipating having children. You can't keep piling on the hyphens. Most of us have our dads' last names anyway. When you parse the issue, keeping my dad's last name doesn't seem more empowered than taking my husband's.
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Optissima
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
My first and last initials are S and E. The only way I'd even consider taking my husband's name is if I fell in love with someone whose last name started with the letter X, because then my monogram would be SEX. Hee.
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CollegeCamel
08/12/09

@Optissima: This is why I am going to marry my boyfriend and take his last name. My first and middle initials are A and D. His last name begins with a D. My initials will be ADD.
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rofling_medusa
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
By beneficial, I wonder if those respondents really meant 'not detrimental'. Because really, how many advantages are there? Do you get extra cookies?
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stonebiscuit is a big dork
08/11/09

@rofling_medusa: Little known fact: if you take your husband's name in marriage, you are admitted to a super-secret club where they do, in fact, have extra cookies. If you refer to yourself solely as "Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast" and refuse to answer to anything else, you also get cake!
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sybann
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
My sis (major breadwinner - her hubbie is a musician and spends more on equipment than he makes in a year - taxes are fun for them) kept her last name and takes an amazing amount of shit for it - and STILL after 15 years, gets mail with her first name and his last name on it.
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JennaW
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
If I get married, I plan for Future Hubby and I to both change our last names to 'Sparkle.' Which plan probably means I'll never be getting married...
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bluebears
08/11/09

@JennaW: I LOVE IT!
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The Real Janelle
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
I live in Chile and we just don't change our names at ALL when we get married. And children get two last names (usually dad's goes first, but the law was recently changed so you can choose to have mum's first if you want).
You know how many people are confused by this? None. It's very easy, come on.
And, obvs, no one should force you to change your name if you don't want to, dammit.
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Triphena
08/11/09

@TheFakeJanelle: But if you have two last names, which one of those goes to the child?
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The Real Janelle
08/11/09

@Triphena: Your first last name, so, usually, your dad's.
Let's say my dad was Pérez López. My mom was Muñoz Núñez. Then I'd be Pérez Muñoz, and my children would be XXX(husband's last name) Pérez. Does this make any sense?
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DoctorNine's D9 Cat
08/11/09

@TheFakeJanelle: I was going to mention the cross-cultural aspect of naming, thanks for your excellent explanation!
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Blueberry26
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
"People feeling a single name encourages family unity"
Frankly, parents working together to raise kids and do everything that needs being done is more likely to encourage family unity. But hey, do what you wanna do. Just don't assume that sharing a name vs. not sharing a name is any indication of closeness.
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Runaddict
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
I once dated a man with the last name Crapko, pronounced Crap-ko.
You know what my last name is? Ferrari.
I feel like this anecdote would end any discussion about women being forced to take their husband's last name.
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sybann
08/11/09

@Runaddict: Sounds to me like any man would be happy to take yours.
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Runaddict
08/11/09

@sybann: You would think but the Current and I recently had a debate wherein he tried to convince me that his last name was somehow superior to Ferrari. It went something like this: Him: Long winded explanation on why his last name is better. Me: No. Him: Long winded rebuttal. Me: Yeah, no. Him: Even longer long winded rebuttal involving promises to colonize the moon and take over the world. Me: Even then, my last name is still better. There is no possible way for you to win this argument. Even your dad and three brothers would agree with me. Him: Silence.
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easternsike
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
My boyfriend and I have had many arguments over me wanting to keep my last name. If that wasn't bad enough, I suggested that if we had 2 children one of them gets my name and one of them gets his name. I think his head exploded. There are no men in my family to carry on my last name, so I've elected myself to do so!
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Suffragettestream the Office Hussy
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
When I get married I'm just going to drop the last name altogether and be a one-namer like Cher. That way my future husband can't judge me for being "disrespectful" and other women can't judge me for not being feminist enough
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emilyanne
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
Actually the US government did mandate that I changed my name. Seriously - my husband has an L1 visa and thus I qualified for an L2 wife visa - but the US consulate refused, yes refused, to put my application forward until I changed my passport and all my cards to my married name - this was apparently to make the application go smoother. I did it because I couldn't stand the hassle although I still write under my maiden name and have my emails etc in that name and yes I do rather resent the fact that the government of a country not my own for the sake of a three year visa made me change my name.
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desertbloom79
08/11/09

@emilyanne: Please don't make me get on my soap box about the utter failings of the immigration system, and the ego-maniacal jackasses that work in it. Particularly the jackass part. I'm sorry that you were forced into this.
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emilyanne promoted this comment Edited by desertbloom79 at 08/11/09 4:02 PM desertbloom79 was starred desertbloom79 was unstarred

emilyanne
08/11/09

@desertbloom79: it's crazy - the thing is neither me or my husband had ever expected me to change my name because working as a journalist it's something very few people do and I suppose i could have made a fuss and they'd have backed down but it was just so much easier to go along with it and get the application through. Although now all the papers I work for regularly get confused about the fact that my bank accounts aren't in my byline name so it's like having the worst of both worlds. I possibly should have hypenated but our surnames really don't go well together and I'm a bit obsessive about the rhythm of words together.
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bluebears
08/11/09

@emilyanne: dude...that is. I wish there were a macro to represent fucked up to the 100th degree.
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andromache
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
I won't get my marriage license until after I get my PhD. I plan on hyphenating, my last name-his last name. My last name is quite rare in the US, and his name is even more rare, and this way we can both preserve our heritages. I'll be published with my maiden name before I get hitched, and it'll be easier to recognize that I'm still the same person when I keep my original last name. I suppose it's a trend in academia.
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Breamworthy
08/11/09

@andromache: Hmm, I'm thinking about this. I kinda want to take his name because I like it better than mine. So far I only have 2 articles and 3 conference presentations under my maiden name. I'm wondering if I should make the switch now (which would necessitate us getting married now, but honestly we don't really care too much when we get married).
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kentuckienne
08/11/09

@andromache: I was in the same situation -- I've got half a dozen or so publications, and decided to keep my name after stumbling across one too many references to Donna Cohen Ross, who I've seen cited as Cohen-Ross or Cohen Ross, Donna, or Ross, Donna Cohen or Donna C. Ross. And frankly, I didn't want that to happen to me! (Now if only people will cite me as often)....
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SisterRay73
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
Even though I always thought hyphenated names could get a bit extraneous, this article has me thinking that I might do that when I get married. On the one hand, my last name has been a huge unpronounceable hassle all of my life; but on the other hand, I do like it, it's my name, and the only people who still have it in my family are girls, so it's sort of bound to die out from this branch. It's also a pretty rare name and was my grandfather's who was an immigrant, so I don't want to lose that entirely.
Taking your husband's name IS pretty retro, but I don't really see anything inherently wrong in it. To force someone to change though is just fucked up. In Quebec (where I go to school) it's apparently the opposite - your name has to stay the same, and it's a much bigger hassle to go through to change it than in the US. Whatever...people should be able to do whatever they want with their names!
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not.in.kansas.anymore
08/11/09

In reply to You'll Be Mrs. Dikshit-Spitzfarger And Like It!
aww f**k that.

I've been told by married women that if you don't take your husband's name, it's more difficult to pick them up from school, have them released to them in your care, blah, blah.

I didn't change my name because it's a pain to get licensed in my profession (or submit any government paperwork for that matter) if you change your name. It's also safer for my husband and our future family if I practice under my maiden name and we're publicly listed under his.

I also hate my in-laws and want no part of my identity associated with them. Of course I haven't told my husband that part.
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andromache promoted this comment Edited by not.in.kansas.anymore at 08/11/09 3:37 PM

kithkin
08/11/09

@not.in.kansas.anymore: That last paragraph is something I think many women don't think about until it's too late. Or maybe I just didn't think about it until it was too late.
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