Flavorwire's list is itself a response to a list categorizing readers by favorite author ("Thomas Aquinas: Premature ejaculators"), and it includes both gems and headscratchers. Bon Iver fans, for instance, are "People with self-esteem issues and probably hate Ben Gibbard." Do I have self-esteem issues? Don't we all! But who the fuck is Ben Gibbard? But fear not, all such confusions are ironed out in our 100% accurate Magazine Reader Categorization Scheme. Enjoy.

Vogue
People who use the names of seasons as verbs.

Glamour
Women who, if they were men, would claim to read Playboy for the articles.

Playboy
Men who, if they were women, would read Marie Claire.

Marie Claire
Women who host "Girls' Nights."

Elle
Snobs who lost money in the financial crisis.

Lucky
Heiresses who sometimes shop at Target.

Cosmo
Men with very sensitive taints, and the women who love them.

Allure
Boring people.

The New Yorker
People who laugh at things that aren't funny.

The Economist
Libertarians.

Time
People waiting to get a colonoscopy.

Newsweek
Sarah Palin.

Maxim
Thirteen-year-olds.

Men's Health
Assholes.

Cat Fancy
Horny cats.

Stereotyping People By Their Favorite Indie Bands [Flavorwire]
Readers By Author [Lauren Leto]

Anna Wintour has apparently tired of the "affordable" stuff she pretended to care about in 2009, and is back to her old tricks, sending Joan Juliet Buck on an excursion to an $800-a-night spa in Utah that Buck calls "a potent combination of comfort, sensual rewards, and privilege." Vogue even did a whole photo shoot in and around the spa, starring Daria Werbowy in climbing boots, and one has to wonder whether this little retreat — like Gwyneth Paltrow's recent getaway — was comped. To distract readers from such concerns, Vogue shows how hip it is by packing its January photo shoots with tousled young musicians. Indie rock: so cool! So now! Excuse us — we're off to buy some stocks.


Click to enlarge

"Women see celebrities as mirrors of their own lives, so when they're looking at celebrities, in many cases, not all, they are evaluating the situation and relating it to something in their own lives or comparing it. It enhances your life," Fuller told The Globe and Mail.

Let's check in with how Fuller (who used to work for philanthropic organizations such as Cosmo, Glamour and Us Weekly) is helping women lately. Earlier today, leading the Style & Beauty section of her site, Hollywood Life:

Or this:

Life: enhanced.

The author of the piece does sound a slightly critical note:

Ms. Fuller rarely questions what the female audience wants. Nor is she inclined to judge the nature of its obsessions. The webzine, aimed at women aged 18 to 35, speaks to its readers in the voice of a spoiled, 13-year-old, gum-snapping brat. In one of her editor's notes, which she writes along with her own frenzied Twitter updates, Ms. Fuller exclaimed that Carrie Underwood was a "Big Biatch" for an exchange with Ms. Swift.

And yet she somehow managed to ignore some sterling exemplars of Fuller's batty, breathless, at times faintly moralizing Twitter feed. Such as:

I guess that's what the Internet is for.

Bonnie Fuller: Click To The Tabloid Queen's New Domain [Globe & Mail]

The reader writes:

One of the covers we did featured teen pop star Hilary Duff (October 2004). The next month's cover subject was actress Mischa Barton (November 2004). Our [redacted], a [redacted] by the name of [redacted]—who has quite a reputation in the biz as a [redacted] — expressed dislike at Ms. Barton's hand as it appeared in the retouched cover photography. ("Her hand looks too old and veiny," I believe, was [redacted]'s objection at the time.) Hence, [redacted] instructed our in-house digital retoucher to lift Hilary Duff's hand off the previous month's cover, flip it around, and give it a virtual manicure.

Conclusion: Mischa Barton got Frankenstein-ed — she appeared on the cover of a glossy with national distribution sporting Hilary Duff's hand.

Here, friends is the evidence:


Hilary Duff's hand, October 2004.

Hilary Duff's Hand on Mischa Barton's arm, November 2004. Kudos to the art department lackey who took the time to change the nail polish!

You'd think that having veins in your hand meant you were, you know, alive. But no. Veins=old. And old=bad! Mischa Barton was 18 when the photograph was taken (and on a teen-friendly hit show called The O.C. — what a great message to send fans!). But since Hilary Duff was 17 that year, the younger hand won. Unfortunately, something seems weird about Hilary Duff's shoulder on the left there (click to enlarge main image) so, actually, no one wins.

Earlier: Photoshop Of Horrors Hall Of Shame, 2000-2009

Last week, we received a 4-page legal letter from the law firm Lavely & Singer - which represents actress Demi Moore - regarding a post in early November that pointed out a striking (and, frankly, hilarious) oddity on a recent magazine cover (above) featuring Ms. Moore.

(Click on thumbnails to enlarge)

To recap: On November 9, Jezebel posted a peek at the just-released W magazine cover of Ms. Moore, and an eagle-eyed reader pointed out that the actress' left thigh looked strangely situated in relation to the draping of the Balmain leotard around it. Photoshopping was suspected, and questioned, in a follow-up post two days later. Then, the story went wide, with media watchers like Xeni Jardin at BoingBoing, photographer Anthony Citrano, and Ms. Moore herself weighing in. (Mr. Citrano, who apparently got the same letter we did, has just posted a rebuttal...complete with YouTube videos. It's worth checking out.) One individual even went as far as to assert that Ms. Moore's head was simply plunked on the body of a runway model wearing the Balmain design on October 1, a theory we rejected. Now, a little over four weeks later, lawyers have, inexplicably - hilariously - become involved. From their letter:

"My client's hip, waist or legs were not altered, retouched, or photoshopped for the cover image…. False claims or insinuations that she secretly uses extraordinary artificial means to alter her appearance are extremely damaging. My client's reputation has been tarnished by false statements or implications that she desired or required that her appearance be digitally slenderized by altering the appearance of her hip for the magazine's cover, and that she lied to the public about it."

Lavely & Singer's correspondence to us also includes supporting letters from W magazine creative director Dennis Freedman and the magazine's cover photographers, Mert Alas and Marcus Piggot. Freedman claims that absolutely no retouching was done to the photograph. (Oh-kay.) Mert and Marcus write (somewhat excitedly):

"When we have met Demi for W cover story she was super fit to start with! The choice of dress also gave her a catwalk model like silhouette!... There was ABSOLUTELY no retouching on her hips or waist or legs!!"

Demi Moore herself and her publicist, Stephen Huvane, are also copied on the Lavely & Singer letter. (We'd like to point out that, the time of our initial coverage, we contacted both Huvane and W for comment. Mr. Huvane didn't get back to us, but W did, and we quoted their denial.)

In addition to accusing this site (and others) of falsely claiming that Demi Moore "secretly uses extraordinary artificial means to alter her appearance," Lavely & Singer are demanding we issue both a retraction an an apology. As those who actually read our posts know, at no point did we say or imply that Demi Moore demanded, "desired" or "required" that she be "slenderized." Nor did we accuse her of lying about it. Instead, we quoted her Tweeted denials and a skeptical, professional photographer's challenge of them. That said, we would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize if we cast aspersions on, or in any way hurt the feelings of Ms. Moore's left hip, waist, or legs. Our only intention was to call attention to distorted and disturbing-looking magazine covers... and the editors, photographers, art directors and retouchers who commission and create them.

Earlier: The Curious Case Of Demi Moore's Left Hip
Demi Moore Posts Original W Cover Photo
Was Demi Moore Photoshopped Onto Model's Body For W? Not Likely.
Photographer Bets $5,000 On Demi Moore W Cover Retouching

Related: Demi Moore's Hip, And Handling The Truth [Zigzaglens]
Was Demi Moore Ralph-Laurenized On "W" Mag Cover, With Missing Hip-Flesh? [BoingBoing]
Demi Claims missing Hipflesh Is For Real. But $5,000 Says It's Moore Photoshopping [BoingBoing]

Will the choice of cover subjects on fashion magazines matter as much in the next decade? Probably not, not with every other medium, new and yet-to-be-invented, competing to give readers fresh images of the stars, and with all magazines struggling to survive the death of their business model. But in a decade that arguably saw the peak of their power (at least if you measure by circulation), the covers of Vogue, Elle, InStyle, Marie Claire, Harper's Bazaar, Lucky, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and, until 2007, Jane were benchmarks of what was considered beautiful, relatable, and most of all, saleable. With the exception of top 15 runners-up Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss, models were replaced by actresses. The key to winning this particular contest: longevity and versatility, with long-running romantic woes providing a possible alternative. Unless, of course, you're Gwyneth Paltrow or Nicole Kidman. Then your total is skewed by four to five Vogue covers.


15. Keira Knightley (12) (tied with Britney Spears)
Sexyface and exquisite bone-structure make a potent combination. But with the exception of Knightley's three Vogue covers in four years, women's magazines seemed to be constantly trying to find the cozier side of Knightley's clavicles.


14. Britney Spears (12) (tied with Keira Knightley)
Spears wasn't always a women's magazine mainstay, and even less so a fashion one, but the end of the decade saw her graduating from Rolling Stone peek-a-boo to relatable features about being a mom, including two covers of her pregnant. That, plus standing up her interviewer.


13. Sandra Bullock (13) (tied with Scarlett Johansson)
The endlessly likable Bullock isn't flashy. She transitioned better from a tomboy rep to a ballgown than to Cosmo's enforced sultriness. This was another turtle-and-hare-style, consistent player.


12. Scarlett Johansson (13) (tied with Sandra Bullock)
Although her men's magazine covers were unfailingly titillating, women's magazines vacillated between presenting Scarlett Johansson as the girl next door or showing off her curves.


11. Halle Berry (14)
Let us consider it some type of progress that the era of "Halle Berry, jungle girl," has apparently come to an end with the actress growing older. (Or maybe editors getting a clue?) That said, who knew it was possible to find an unflattering photo of her? Harper's Bazaar did.


10. Jennifer Lopez (15) (tied with Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow)
Reportedly deemed too "trashy" for Vogue at the turn of the century, Lopez finally got her shot in 2005, but had to settle for spinoffs Vogue Living and Fashion Rocks for the rest of the decade. Harper's Bazaar and InStyle were only too happy to have their chance, putting Lopez on the cover three times each this past decade.


9. Cameron Diaz (15) (tied with Jennifer Lopez and Gwyneth Paltrow)
Diaz's ability to comfortably cover both W and Cosmopolitan three times each shows that playing both to the mass crowd and the fashion elite equals, well, lots of play.


8. Gwyneth Paltrow (15) (tied with Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz)
Coronated by Anna Wintour and a fashion darling from the start, Paltrow was rarely found on the cover of the one of the service-y women's magazines, where the emphasis is on down-to-earth relatability. That unaddressed yearning, we can posit, is what brought us Goop.


7. Sarah Jessica Parker (18)
SJP is the classic example of an actress that women like but that will never be found on the cover of a men's magazine, unlike almost every other woman on this list.


6. Jessica Simpson (19) (tied with Renee Zellweger)
Jessica Simpson's prominence here can apparently be attributed to her inability to turn down an offer to be on a cover. Her range would be the widest — Elle several times, Jane, Lucky — except that sadly, Vogue has never come a-calling. And probably never will.


5. Renee Zellweger (19) (tied with Jessica Simpson)
A favorite of InStyle (four times), Vogue, W, and Harper's Bazaar (three times each), the star of the two Bridget Jones movies remained a fashionable choice despite her films' largely mass appeal.


4. Jennifer Aniston (22) (tied with Nicole Kidman)
It may seem like Jennifer Aniston has been on every magazine printed this decade, but when you subtract out the tabloids close-reading her every movement, it's impressive yet not game-changing. Known to be a reliable seller in magazine circles (if not necessarily at the box office), the key for Aniston was ponying up quotables about her love life. (The out-of-context "What Angelina Did Was Very Uncool" ending up on the cover of Vogue was a low point for everyone involved.)


3. Nicole Kidman (22) (tied with Jennifer Aniston)
Nicole Kidman never really went away, at least in the ladymag world. Her porcelain features may have lost some of their mobility, but there she was year after year, setting a record for the decade with five Vogue covers, yet pouring her heart out to Marie Claire about Keith Urban's alcoholism.


2. Angelina Jolie (24)
The evolution of Angelina Jolie's magazine covers neatly mirrors her own transformation: from revelations about blood and bisexuality to imperious queen of Hollywood. The Internet is rife with catfight-esque comparisons between Aniston and Jolie covers, and maybe Vogue was being impish photographing both of them in red dresses on the beach. In any case, in our minds, nothing has quite equaled the Vogue cover above.


1.Drew Barrymore (26)
The surprise queen of the decade has survived a lot more than magazine editors' fickleness. Having spent her entire life in the public eye and overcome early addiction, she emerged as both a likable actress and, increasingly, a Hollywood power to be reckoned with. Quirky, girlish appeal as well as the ability to pull off couture equals ladymag gold.

Falling into the "reformation" theme, is a profile on Britney Spears, which looks more like a publicity stunt intended to erase our memories of a bald, umbrella-toting pop star and push her new image of "doting mother". This mother, however, is wearing a ridiculous bright blue feather jacket while looking lost and sad on a playground. Speaking of returning to childhood, in "If you love him, fix him up" Rachael Combe explores the notion of proactively trying to change a significant other, concluding "to love someone is to harangue them". She argues that healthier habits are automatically formed in relationships because people are forced to give up their hazardous single ways. For those left satisfied with that information, there's information on how to drop a mere 1.5 pounds by eating only grapes for three weeks. Below, find what other suggestions the January Elle has for readers in 2010.

Maybe it's because she lives in Toronto, not Hollywood. Maybe it's because her dad was a truck driver, her mother a nurse. Maybe it's just her personality. But you won't see her flashing her ladybits as she drunkenly stumbles out of a car; and she doesn't gush about Louboutins or Lanvin. Or at least, not when she's being interviewed by Vogue's Sally Singer. It seems like celebrity profiles used to be about elevating the star — with notes about their stunning skin, beauty regimens, tasteful wardrobe choices, etc. Once, a Jennifer Lopez profile began with the writer "discovering" her getting a massage by the pool. But now, with the "stars are just like us!" zeitgeist, this profile, much like W's piece on Jennifer Garner, emphasizes just how normal Rachel McAdams is. Whether it's true or not (and I suspect it is, mostly) it's as though the magazine is urging you to have a girlcrush on her (not that you already don't) by reminding you how much she's like that earthy BFF you already have. No matter that the photographs have her dolled up in Dior and Dolce & Gabbana, without a beat-up bike or broken in boots in sight!

Some highlights from the interview:

On yoga every morning:

"The earliest I'll start is four-thirty. That's my limit."

On air-conditioning:

"I can't live with it. I feel I'm not living in the world."

On cooking classes:

"I need to have better knife skills…for vegetables. Sometimes you pick up a tomato…."

On accumulating "stuff":

"I don't really desire things. I prefer to spend my money on experiences, on meals or travel."

On her website, GreenIsSexy.org:

"I look at the world through a green lens now, but you can't make yourself crazy. That feeling of green guilt can be really inhibiting. It's about a changing mind-set, remembering to turn off the water when you are brushing your teeth."

On some old boots that Susan Levin Downey (wife of her Sherlock Holmes costar Robert) told her to get rid of:

"But they are just broken in perfectly."

On being the opposite of Regina George in Mean Girls:

"My mother never put an emphasis on looks. She let us grow up on our own time line. She never forced any beauty regimen into my world." McAdams was teased in high school for not shaving her legs. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked her mom. Mom: "Once you start, there's no turning back."

On her home in Toronto, which she shares with her brother:

"Having a house that's always falling apart was so romantic when I bought it," she says, sighing, "but now seems less so."

On being single:

"I'm pretty good on my own, and I like just getting out and walking, which seems very rudimentary."

To top it all off, Diane Keaton, Rachel's costar in The Family Stone forthcoming film Morning Glory says:

"Rachel isn't looking for a lot of friends and a big fat social life. I don't feel like she's drawn toward 'everyone love me' or 'I want to be the richest woman on Earth.' But of course, men fall in love with her like crazy."

And women!

The Notebook, Part Two [Vogue]
Related: GreenIsSexy.org

[Images by Mario Testino for Vogue]

It's been exactly a year since Michelle Promaulayko became editor-in-chief of the women's spinoff Rodale launched in 2005. I've never met Promaulayko, and a spokeswoman said she wouldn't be available in time to comment on this, and I'm sure she's a very nice person. But the still-successful Cosmo business model is as follows: on the circulation side, huge newsstand sales achieved mostly through sexed-up cover lines, and on the advertising side, a cozy relationship with the beauty industry. Great for profits, bad for anyone looking for an unpatronizing read on health and fitness.

When Women's Health launched, there was reason to believe that the magazine would break the mold. The pages were information-dense, sometimes too much so, and there was a robust, slightly smart-ass energy that belied the faux you-go-girl tone of its competitors. There were fitness models on the cover, so there was no need to pretend that a micro-starlet with a project to plug actually had something to say about a healthy lifestyle. The magazine covered beauty back then too, but it also did reported pieces on hospital safety and travel stories on fly fishing. And it ran things like this:

(The caption reads, "We'll be kick-ass grannies.")

And this:

Even before hiring Promaulayko, editorial director Dave Zinczenko's fondness for all things Cosmo was well-documented. And when it comes to currying favor with the beauty industry, Zinczenko does not discriminate: He used the same strategy to beef up Men's Health's advertising base by creating the Men's Health Grooming Awards in 2007, and was rewarded with beauty advertising growing 45.8 percent for that issue, according to WWD.

Launch editor-in-chief Tina Johnson left Women's Health abruptly in August 2008, after which Zinczenko took over. Like Men's Health before it, Women's Health joined the celebrity cover game, starting with Elizabeth Banks. When Promaulayko was hired away from her longtime gig at Cosmo it was with the specific mission of beefing up fashion and beauty. She brought in top editors from the Cosmo family. Out: the tomboyish verve. In: eating licorice wrapped around your partner's penis (actual June 2009 sex tip), page after page of beauty product placements (including a 25-page beauty package in the April 2009 issue), and Ashlee Simpson on the December 2009 cover, on how she - you guessed it - lost the baby weight.

So far, by conventional standards, her strategy has worked: The magazine was AdAge's Magazine of the Year, Its advertising numbers are less crappy than everyone else's. It has several books planned. The circulation is climbing to 1.5 million, close to beating its more established brother, so apparently there are still plenty of people who want to read it.

Just not the readers who turned to it for a fresh take — some of them complaining about the dumbing down of the content on the magazine's own site. Count me among them.

Women's Health [Official Site]

Related: Rodale Taps Editor For Women's Health [WWD]
Women's Health: Magazine Of The Year [AdAge]

In the cover story, Portman addresses the recent tabloid stories that claim she made out with Penn behind a curtain at a party in L.A.:

He's obviously someone I'm friends with," she says. "I mean, not 'hey, wassup?' friends, but we were all on the [Cannes 2008] jury together — Alfonso [Cuaron] and Marjane [Satrapi] — and we had a really great time, and then ... It was one of those things where you're like 'Oh my God! I'm that person who's caught in this shitty rumor brigade.' You can't win. You don't say anything and everyone's like, 'It's true.' You say something and you're keeping the story alive. It's bad, bad news."

That sounds like a no, but who knows what secrets are hidden in those ellipses?

The rest of the profile emphasizes that Portman's a "good girl": she didn't go to high school parties, got drunk for the first time in college, and only tried pot when she was in her 20s. Those looking for something scandalous will have to settle for her comments on how she avoided becoming some director's muse even while working with Woody Allen, which could be interpreted as a dig at Scarlett Johansson:

"I have a problem with muse-ship," Portman says, curving into herself as if a little embarrassed. "I feel like througout history, it's been men vampiring on women's specialness. And why do that for someone?" Then she laughs, before adding: "Maybe it's fear of intimacy or something."

She's nobody's muse, but she is willing to dress up as Peter Pan if you ask nicely. (Fig. 1)

Elsewhere in the issue, Marie Claire "explores the darker side of having an affair with the guy in the corner office." The writer (who is married to her former boss) points out that several famous couples, including Barack and Michelle Obama, started out in office romances. There are several titillating (read: corny) stories about workplace hookups, like the lawyer dating her boss who would "slip into his office, sit on his lap, unbutton her shirt, and put his face between her breasts." However, the biggest consequences the women in the article face are being taken less seriously and choosing to find a new job when their office relationship got uncomfortable. None of the women experience the real "dark side," which ranges from getting fired by your ex-lover to causing a Lewinsky-esque national scandal.

Click to enlarge.

Fig. 1

"Big, little, pint-size, plus-size — every body is beautiful. And this issue is out to prove it."

V Magazine launched in 1999, and usually alternates between celebrity covers (Brad Pitt, Lady Gaga, Grace Jones) and model covers, as seen below:






But for V's January issue, expect to see Crystal Renn (that's her, at the top of the post, in a shot from the May 2009 issue of Glamour) and other plus-size models, shot by Terry Richardson, Bruce Weber and Karl Lagerfeld.

Some problems:

• Lagerfeld, you may recall, once said: "No one wants to see curvy women. You've got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying that thin models are ugly."
• Since V usually uses "regular" models — especially for its "beauty issue," how does a one-off plus-size issue "prove" that "every body is beautiful"?
• Much like when Italian Vogue did an "all-black issue," the flipside of highlighting one kind of model in a "special" issue is that they're actually being segregated, placed in a ghetto, away from the other "real" models.
• This is mentioned often on this site, but worth repeating: A plus-size model is not the same as a plus-sized woman. A "plus-size model" is a model who is at least 5'9" but has measurements above the requirements for "straight size" models, which are, roughly, 34-24-34. Basically, a plus size model could be a US size 8, 10 or 12, despite the fact that those sizes are not considered "plus" by clothing manufacturers, So they don't exactly represent plus-sized women.

[Main image by Patrick Demarchelier for Glamour.]

For one thing, she tells W's Jenny Comita:

"I mean, I didn't ever watch Gilligan's Island and think, Those people are actors. I lived in West Virginia. Hollywood just felt like this total other universe."

Now that she's in that "universe," Jen could be flaunting her wealth and hobnobbing with all kinds of luminaries. But when talking about taking care of her kids, she says she has help, and then asks, "Does that sound snotty, to say I have help?" And instead of partying with Hollywood night owls, she is obsessed with celebrity chefs. She loves to cook, named her Labrador retriever Martha Stewart, and longs to be introduced to Ina Garten, aka TV's Barefoot Contessa (whom Comita describes as "cheerfully rotund.") Jen says:

"I know somebody who is a friend of hers, and she says she's going to get us together. I tried to get on Ina's show. I tried to use my, well, you know… I say, use what you have to make the world better or for yourself! But eventually she just said, ‘I'm sorry, I only use my real friends on the show.' I felt like, What are you saying? That we're not friends? I know everything about you!"

Even though many of her movies — Daredevil, 13 Going On 30, Elektra, Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past — are not exactly winners, Jen is a celebrity, whether she wants to be or not. (Oh, and the flick she's pushing now? Valentine's Day? The one loosely based on: 1. A holiday and 2. The craptastic He's Not Just That Into You? Barf.) But yeah, she's a star, and not only that: She's married to a celebrity. Though she sees some differences between how the media covers Ben Affleck and how it covers her:

Ben asks me, ‘How come when I do an interview I manage to keep you out of it completely?'" she says. "And I'm like, ‘Either because you don't think about me or because boy magazines don't care about what I make you for dinner. But they should!'"

Still, you get the idea that glamorous Hollywood actress is not really Jen Garner's first choice… And it wasn't. She always wanted to be a doctor, and still fantasizes about it:

When my daughter has a fever, I want to be able to look in her ears myself and not have to call someone," she says. "I want to be able to tell, Is that spot on her leg ringworm or a dry patch?"

Jennifer Garner Interview, Photoshoot [W]

Related: We've Got Mixed Feelings About The Valentine's Day Script
Valentine's Day: What He's Just Not That Into You Hath Wrought

[Images by Craig McDean via W]

Glamour's Stupids-worthy hints include not driving while reading the newspaper (or brushing your teeth), and not putting popcorn inside your vagina. According to the ever-obvious "dos and don'ts" section, you should also not expose your buttcheeks to public view. And woe betide the woman who tries to be "perfect" — she might end up falling down the stairs and breaking her daughter's leg, like Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Using Brezinski's accident as a cautionary tale about "doing too much too soon" seems like a stretch, but if editors couldn't generalize individual women's experiences into prescriptive "tips for all women, ladymags wouldn't exist — and neither would Cover Lies.

In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

(Click to enlarge.)

Onee-kei is about looking pulled together - cute, but still practical - and features combinations of clothes to wear to the office or after hours. S Cawaii, Vivi, JJ, Classy, and Glamorous are Japanese magazines that reflect the current trends. Other titles, like Kera or Pretty Style reflect different versions of the same thing. As with most fashion magazines, however, all the titles adjust depending on the dominant trends.


These magazines have one major difference from their American and British counterparts - though Elle, Vogue Nippon, and the other usual suspects all have Japanese versions of their magazine - these glossies are really just look books... page after page of how to put together stylish outfits, a little advice on hair and makeup, and some small sections (food and lifestyle) near the very end. As you can see, many of the pages revolve around a theme, and different ways to play to a trend.


(They also feature handheld gaming systems as a fashion accessories. And run ads with women playing games. I love this.)


Clothes geared toward the office are more functional, but planning a striking outfit for going out is apparently the fashion equivalent to preparing for war. (I'm also wondering what's beneath the orange jacket - perhaps the tiniest LBD on the planet?)


The day wear and casual items are often basic - simple tops, jeans, shoes, many of which readers can obtain state-side. But it's the pairings (and attitude of the models) that keeps it fascinating.


Models are rarely seen jumping, and are often posed in sexy or goofy positions, in a variety of locations around town. This shot leans artistic - however, S Cawaii is also known for having its models give sexyface on one page and then stick out their tongues in a teasing gesture in the next.


Looking through the merchandise can get frustrating. I would love to rock that Sesame Street cardigan.


Domani magazine is on the edge of onee-kei style - it typically features professional career women of means (ads for high end brands are dominant), and women who are in their 20s, 30, and 40s. Despite being out of the general age range for onee-kei (which generally stops in the mid-twenties), the glossy still has the same visual aesthetic, just more work (and luxury) focused.


Domani demonstrates how a look can go from casual to pulled together with simple accessories, or perhaps a change of shoe. This is helpful to those of us inclined to be non creative with our daily wardrobes. Especially, if you're like me and unemployment/working from home/working in a casual environment means you tend to forget how to dress when you need to go somewhere.


The look books often take a trend - like the no collar jacket, and provide ideas on multiple ways to incorporate the style.


Accessories are often given full focus, like the studded leggings that make a plain dark gray top and denim shorts more visually stimulating.


The moderate but unusual pairings are a good reminder to try being less conservative with both clothes and accessories: A leopard print shoe would work with a variety of looks.


Another reason to love J-fashion mags? The freebies, which are often bundled into the magazine. (I am currently wearing the star socks shown.) Over the years S Cawaii has also gifted me a tote bag which says "I heart Moussy" and a small red pouch with black skulls on it that I use as a makeup bag.


"Thou shalt be fly" is the onee-kei philosophy when it comes to fingernails - they are often an artistic extension of your outfit. Interested in recreating these in the U.S.? It will be tough, I warn you. But if you really like these nail designs, the best way to get them (and keep costs down, lest you find yourself with a $100 manicure) follow on the next slide.


(1) Embrace the two finger design. Pick whichever art you like the most and ask for that on two fingers, with a more basic complementing design. (2) Bring a picture and look for a nail tech who is interested in learning the design. (I sometimes sweeten the deal by offering to let them see all the designs in the book. Scanning color copies also works.) (3) Have your own tools on hand - most places do not stock much beyond colors and rhinestones. Nail accessories can be found in specialty stores, online, and in craft stores (some of the designs you see on nails are actually stencils or small charms. (4) Tip well.


With a little patience and skill, some designs are achievable at home, with some effort.


While some magazines prefer to dazzle with designers, S Cawaii lets you know there is no shame in going faux. They even announce the "fake wool coat" the model is wearing.


Sure, these glossies focus a lot on attainable fashion, but they occasionally build in fantastic images. The nod to Alice in Wonderland is fabulous, yet the elements of the outfit are surprisingly wearable.


This isn't my style at all, but it's cute.


Unfortunately, as time goes on, the onee-kei magazines are absorbing more and more American style. Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan and Lauren Conrad are taking up page space (in keeping with onee gal style, which places a heavy focus on celebrity) and twelve dollars is a lot to pay for fashion I see for free.