[bitchmagazine.org]

from "Some not-so-petty criticism" by A.Z. p. 18-19:

"So let's talk about Jezebel, the women's destination in the Gawker media empire, which, for a site that likes to front as feminist, is occasionally far worse than Jane ever was in dealing out baldly antiwoman claptrap.  Now, the whole Gawker ethos goes something like this: Snarky, provacative posts + even snarkier commenters = mad page views.  Since writers are actually paid according to their posts' page views, inflaming readers means easy money.  Which brings us to the recent post by blogger Moe Tkacik, who fancies herself Jezebel's rebel ideologue— a stance that, more often than not translates into dissing feminism and feminists.... If Jezebel is going to continue to post sloppy, misogynist tripe and call it journalism, at least some of us can take comfort in seeing the number of people who won't let it stand."

Who's fat? Who's lonely? Who's feuding? Celebrity weekly round-up after the jump.

OK! limps out of the starting gate with the entirely believable claim that Jennifer Aniston is just thrilled that Brad and the Whore of Babylon have finally popped out the Antichrist. C— for credibility, gals. In other thrilling news, Jessica Simpson has a lot of money and spends it, kicked-out K-Fed isn't keen on Britney's new manny - "so far, only identified by his first name, Perry" ....hmm, wanna bet? - and you can lose lbs. with the hottest new diet. It's called the Hamptons Diet, which I ferverntly hoped meant grams of cocaine and binge and purge, but is actually all about eating healthily. No fun.

In Touch goes with Brangelina's baby and reveals that Brad's been crying, Angelina's been crying and she's quite tired, you know, and.... that's about it really. No details, of course no photos, all rather dull. But luckily, Jessica's really happy that Nick's dating celebrity airhead Kim Kardashian even though she's not or she is or whatever. Britney's shagging spending quality time with her manny - "identified in reports as either Perry or Henry" .....hmm, wanna bet? - while K-Fed, who, incidentally, doesn't like silk sheets, bums a baby in a bed of coke at an LA hotspot. Or chats up a Brunette. Whichever works best for you. Oh, and Scarlette Johansson has the best boobs in Hollywood.

Star wins the race to identify Britney's manny - "Meet Perry Taylor - HE'S CUTE!" and pretends they're shagging. He was in the military but flunked becoming a navy seal because he "partied too much" so he moved to L.A. Clearly an improvement on K-Fed, then. With customary Star persistence, they dig up graduation photos of Perry and his bizarrely perky ex-girlfriend, whose mother's second cousin's neighbour reveals the scandal that Perry once buggered a badger or something. Denise and Richie are snogging in Paris, where he honeymooned with former wife and former BFF of THAT SLUT DENISE, Heather Locklear. Heather retaliates by fellating David Spade in the garden at Chateau Marmont in front of 50 paparazzi. Rock and Roll! And Taylor Hicks' mum was a drunk and Demi and Asthon went out one night and had a good time. EXCLUSIVE!

Us magazine managed to get Perry Taylor's name right, and says he used to play lacrosse for the United States Naval Academy in Maryland. Great. A rapist manny. Kevin's off glancing at "girls who dressed in sexy attire", but hasn't been kicked out of the house, contrary to all other reports. He's merely getting high in the basement while Britney turns to God so she can dump him. A relationship expert tells Us that sleeping in separate beds isn't necessarily the sign of a good relationship. Who knew? Ashley Simpson had her nose done and her lips pumped to turn her into her sister. Johnny Knoxville will surely be sniffing around her ass with a bottle of lube any day now. And Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have split up but no-one can be bothered to read the article to find out why. Because no-one actually cares.

Life & Style goes with a curiously irrelevant How Mariah got so THIN! cover, featuring the human emodiment of the Cabbage Patch Doll scantily clad and airbrushed to within an inch of her life. How did she get so thin? She stopped stuffing her fat face full of crap. There you go. In other crushingly boring news, Jen wants a baby with Vince, Brangelina had a baby! Called Shiloh! Brad's crying, Angelina's crying and quite tired... and well, you get the drill. And Britney chased a naked Kevin out of her house after finding him trying to lure a female housekeeper into the hot tub. Sources say he was planning to render the hapless domestic servant unconscious first with a lethal dose of his armpit stink. Britney to the rescue!

I guess People was so busy trying to pay $4.1 million for the photos of the baby Jesus Shiloh, that they got distracted this week. Behind a cover that promises All The Details! on Brangelina's baby girl, we find out that, well, they've given birth to a baby girl. Brad's crying, Angelina's crying blah blah blah, no real details, and no photos - yet! A big fat D- for that one. Still, they'll wipe the floor with everyone else next week. Taylor Hicks - the untold story turns out that Taylor Hicks wasn't famous before he won American Idol. Startling, that. No mention of his drunk mum, because this is People and People prefers crawling up his ass and dying, to writing anything that mean. Or true. They bravely ask the question as to whether Britney and Kevin are not currently experiencing marital bliss and decide that no-one could ever know. Perhaps if they'd shelled out $40k like they normally do to get Britney to 'speak out' about how fabulously happy and wonderful she is, they might have had something one could identify as a 'story'. And Nick Lachey has a new girl. And lots of real people in America are fat and poor and crippled and struggling and if you just read their stories you'll feel so much better about your meaningless existence.

Perhaps the most startling cover is Us Weekly, where you are invited to stare at the crotch of a newly svelte Janet Jackson, while ingesting the details of her startling weight loss. I'm not sure anyone cares, but they actually got an interview (no "sources say" here!) so well done. "Jen and Vince's secret plans " are, well, that they are going out with each other, while "Paul and Heather's bitter split" boils down to the fact that she's a cow.

Over at Star, they've gone for a cover package - "Cutest Babies! of the Year" and yes, they did put that exclamation mark there. It's really just an excuse to fill six pages with boring pictures of celebs holding babies. Worth a quick peep in Hudson News just to catch sight of the ginger horror that is Julia Roberts' son Phinnaeus. Oh, and Jen and Vince are breaking up. Yeah, whatever.

About three years after everyone else, In Touch is amazed to discover that before an astonishing amount of surgery Jessica Simpson used to look like a chimpanzee, that Britney's tits have gone boom and bust more times than the stockmarket, and that Omarosa will do anything, including getting her fun bags pumped, for publicity. MIx it all together and you have the least shocking Plastic Surgery Shockers cover in history. Oh and someone had lunch with Heather Locklear's rep, apparently, as there are two pages on how fab she is and how she doesn't want to bitch slap Denise Richards. And Angelina's having a baby. Had you heard? Also, Jen and Vince aren't breaking up. Thank God.

I guess Life & Style bailed their stringer out of a Namibian jail, because they promise EXCLUSIVE! details on the Brangelina birth. And yes, Namibian local governor Samuel Nuuyoma confirms that Angelina is not yet in labor. Sign him up! Whisk him to a hotel! Don't let anyone else get near him! They even get "a local doctor" who's stuck his paws up the sexiest mom-to-be's sacred vagina to tell us that mother and foetus are doing fine. I feel a Pulitzer coming on here. In other news, Britney is a bad mother, Nick and Jess reunite, Lindsay and Paris are fighting, and somewhere, a dog just bit a man.

OK! tries to convince you that Jen Aniston is pregnant on their cover. You at the back! Stop laughing! And of course it all comes down to "a source" saying that she's telling friends she might adopt a baby. Some day. Possibly. Maybe. At some point. Well, I'm sold. And Nick loves Jess, and Taylor hugs Kat and OK! is still crap.