At first , she appears cross-eyed when discussing her role as the teapot from Beauty and the Beast. "I see a lot of myself in her," she says, "she was a woman faced with many challenges. She also had a vagina, i assume, which is another thing we share. That's just so uncanny to me. I mean, it's really a role I was born to play."

But the Oscar buzz surrounding The Untold Story of the Teapot and the Candlestick isn't nearly as strong as the buzz surrounding her latest fling with Mr. Belvedere--who plays the Candlestick in the film. I try to get her to say anything about Mr. Belvedere, even something like, "I don't want to talk about it," so I can justify putting "We ask Courtney all about her steamy relationship with MR. Belvedere!!!" on the cover of the magazine, which I'm going to do anyway, because it's the only reason anyone will even bother buying this fluff piece, probably, because I mean, really, how many times can you sit down and read about Courtney eating a meal and talking about playing a type of role as if it's the most fascinating thing you've ever heard? She eats (kind of) and she acts! She eats, and she does her job! Celebrities! They're just like us!!! It doesn't matter that Mr. Belvedere is just as boring in interviews: together, they will sell magazines!

"Where do you see yourself in ten years," I ask her, as she stares nodded off out the window, pushing her stringy hair behind her ears, displaying her pill shaped TJ Maxx designer earrings. "You'll have to wait and see," she slurs, before getting up and heading out the door. And just as stumbling drunk as she came into my life, she is gone, off to her next Doctor appointment, to play the role she is perhaps best suited to play: herself.

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AAAAAAAAAA-RROOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

6-4, 4-6, 7-6, 7-6.

UUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAA...!!!

Congratulations to Andy Murray for a brilliant semifinal.

AAAAAAAAAA-RROOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

*sits down*

*passes out*

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At first, she appeared sort of hulking and ungainly when discussing her role as a Jezebel commenter. "I see a lot of myself in basically derailing threads with self-aggrandizement and tired jokes," she says, "I am a woman faced with many followers. Also, bacon."

But the buzz surrounding her frequently offtopic and cliched Jezebel appearances isn't nearly as strong as the buzz she's getting from that carton of pinot grigio. Seriously, the stuff comes in these great little tetra-pack style things, I think Tracie did an article about them? I dunno, it's the only reason I'm mentioning it so much, probably, because really, how many times can I sit down and talk about EXACTLY WHAT I AM EATING AND DRINKING like I'm some sort of interesting thing, when really my schtick was sort of tired after that lame old April Fool's day so long ago? I eat and I act incorrigible! I eat, and I do my job sometimes! Celebrities! They're just like me! Together, we will sell Zac Efron's likeness on pancakes!

"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I ask her, as she stares blankly into another browser window, pushing her hair behind her giant ears, which are as studded with holes as any self-respecting cheese should be. "You'll have to bish and plz," Tscheese smirks, before getting up and trudging out the door. And just as irritatingly as she came into my life, she is gone, off to her next comment and/or disemvowelment, which might be this one. To play the role she is perhaps best suited to play: AN INTERESTING COMMENTER FOR ONCE.

See? You guys! It works for non-celebs too!

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Anybody here read Jancee Dunn's memoir about being a writer for Rolling Stone? She covers a lot of these interview cliches, like trying to avoid the resturaunt setting or what to say to jaded rock bands to get an answer out of them or how not to sound like a synchophantic fan.

Lolita Hazed: I agree on the egg-white omelet cliche. What is it with that? Or it's some kind of egg-white spinach frittata or some sort of salad.

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