• Wow, Lindsay Lohan and Sean Penn nuzzled at a private dinner for Milk last week. Samantha Ronson was not present. What does it all mean? [Fox 411]
• Photographs of Jennifer Aniston in a wet T-shirt with a "visible breast" are in a calendar, but a spokesperson says, "I don't think this is legal." [Times Of India]
• In this interview to promote Marley & Me, Jennifer Aniston gets pissy about her personal life, and when asked about the "difficult times," Owen Wilson walks out. [USA Today]
• Oh, dear: Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, wants $1.6 million to walk away from the marriage and not write a tell-all book. All together now: What kind of fuckery is this? [Perez Hilton]
• Another divorce payout: Madonna will reportedly give Guy Ritchie about £32 million in cash and prizes. [Telegraph]

• In this interview, Brtiney's mom, Lynne Spears, says she almost called her autobiography All My Fault. "I can laugh about it now, but did I feel that way at the time? Yes, I did and, if I'm being totally honest, I still do," she says. Lynne also talks about being worried that Britney will kill herself, the conservatorship and what's missing in Britney's life. [Daily Mail]
• David Beckham was being followed by paparazzi, so he and his bodyguard got out of the car and started punching photographers through the other car's window. [E!]
• Click to see a picture of David Beckham bungee jumping in New Zealand! [Mirror]
• Mary-Kate Olsen: Not pregnant, which makes it okay that she was in Miami, "smoking and drinking vodka cocktails all night." [Page Six]
• Ouch! Man Vs. Wild host Bear Grylls injured his shoulder in Antarctica during an expedition to raise money for charity. [CNN]
• What does Scarlett Johansson want for Christmas? Tickets to Barack Obama's inauguration ball! [Mirror]
• Is 42-year-old Janet Jackson knocked up? [Perez Hilton]
• Heath Ledger was posthumously named best actor by the Australian Film Institute for his role in The Dark Knight. [Reuters]
• Heidi Montag's mom suggested maybe Heidi was drugged before she married Spencer Pratt; Heidi says: "I want to make it very clear to family, friends and fans that the decision to marry Spencer was very much mine." Ugh, we know. [Contact Music]
• Perez Hilton has a book, you guys. Inside, predictions such as: "Britney will be probably be dead. I believe she came pretty close to the stripper pole in the sky the last time she hit rock bottom." And! Nicole Richie "will be really fat in her old age. Her body will rebel and she’ll weigh almost 180 lbs. OMG!" [Gatecrasher]
• America Ferrera will be the master of ceremonies at a debt-retirement "conversation" with Hillary Clinton. The Senator has $7.5 million in campaign debt, yikes. [MSNBC]
• Poor Barbra Streisand got a kiss from President Bush, whom she loathes, at the Kennedy Center honors. [NY Post]
• In an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow and her friend/trainer, Tracy Anderson (who also trains Madonna), Gwynnie reveals: "When I was about 25, I started doing ashtanga yoga every day. I did Pilates for a while and was always disciplined about it, but I never got the results I get with this. After my first 10 days I lost 11 inches!" [Gotham Magazine]
• Want Kanye West to appear at an after-party? Better have $40,000. [News.com.au]
• If you have $8.5 million, you can scoop up Jennifer Lopez's Bel Air estate. [TMZ]
• Jamie Foxx jokes that he's trying to pick out Barack Obama's Christmas puppy right now: "I think I'm going to get him a pitbull, we just got to keep it street." [Yahoo News]
• Lily Allen "swaps grungy guys for a more mature gent": She went to the ballet with her grandfather. [Mirror]
• Oh, and Lily Allen is sticking up for Amy Winehouse: "Yes, she does get out of her mind on drugs sometimes, but she is also a very clever, intelligent, witty, funny person who can hold it together. I mean, there aren't that many people with whom the press concentrate on their personality so much. I think in the UK, as far as females go, it's mainly me and her that get that treatment. She gets it more than I do. But I don't see it that much with other people." [Mirror]
• Keanu Reeves is trying to quit smoking. "I didn't even start until I was 30," he says. "Now it's a prison. I want to stop." [Daily Mail]
• Due to the economy, Kate Hudson is having a handmade Christmas: "We've always been pretty crafty anyway," she says. "We all knit. The girls knit. This year I’m doing these great big knit… Well, actually I shouldn’t even talk about it because I can’t say it!" [People]
• Wow, Catherine Hardwicke, who directed Twilight, won't be directing the sequel. What will become of the fangless, unscary vampires now? [EW]
• Terri Seymour on her breakup with Simon Cowell: "Simon will be a hard act to follow. But on the bright side at least I will be able to use the mirror. He used to take forever in the mornings." [Mirror]
• Suri Cruise is a budding artist. [Daily Mail]
• Dame Judi Dench was presented with a lifetime achievement award by The European Film Academy at a gala in Copenhagen, Denmark. [UPI]
• Jonny Lee Miller's wife, Michele Hicks, gave birth to a baby boy, Buster Timothy Miller. Will Buster get to play with the Jolie-Pitt kids? Jonny is still friends with ex-wife Angelina Jolie, right? [Yahoo News]
• Another day, another stalker: Alyssa Milano is seeking a temporary restraining order against a man who hiked miles to try and reach her and has displayed "increasingly threatening behavior." [AP]
• Chris Klein and Ginnifer Goodwin: Splitsville. [ET]
• Uterus news: Eric Dane says he and wife Rebecca Gayheart are "trying" to have kids. [ET]
• Another important message from Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones. [Funny Or Die]
• Blind item! "Which supposedly straight funnyman keeps getting caught in West Village dives propositioning men by opening his legs and winking? We hear the B-lister had a few takers." [Gatecrasher]
• 'Tis the season? There are six Holocaust-themed movies this winter. [Page Six]
• The Fonz, Henry Winkler, had terrible dyslexia: "I'd look at a menu, which I couldn't read, then ask what everyone else was having and choose from that. Or if I was out with a girl I'd tell her I loved the way she spoke and get her to read the whole menu to me. I got through life by listening very carefully to what people said and learning that way. As I got older I learned to ask for help." [Daily Mail]
• Is Danity Kane/Hairspray's Aubrey O'Day gay? [Page Six]
• "I'm 41. Everybody says I'd be dead. Well, I wouldn't be dead, I'd just be a little caricature of a rock star. Who wants to be a drug addict at 41? Listen, I'm 41, I've got two kids, I don't expect a 16-year-old to be looking to me for inspiration. It's the Arctic Monkeys' job now. I've done my bit. Now we go in the studio and it's just like, let's make some records, let's do it cos we love it." — Noel Gallagher. [Guardian]
• "I didn't want to see her journey belittled. She was not a stereotypical long-suffering wife who just chastised her husband when he was grumpy and took care of the kids. She was extremely capable, and she was forward thinking. Looking back, she was clearly a feminist." — Laura Linney on her role as Abigail Adams in John Adams. [Telegraph]
• "I'm just really lazy. Too lazy to phone the cleaning lady. But I do have a German boyfriend. He can't help cleaning. Recently he came back from a long trip and he kissed me and immediately went and cleaned the toilet." — Rufus Wainwright. [Newsweek]
• "I'm at a strange age. I'm not a woman yet, but I'm not a girl any more. [Film companies] say, 'Oh, in a couple of years you’ll be perfect for this.' I'll be like, yeah, but I want to be studying English then, so it’s going to be quite tough to choose between the two. I'm going to have a battle on my hands, because after Harry Potter has finished, I don't know. I definitely want to go to university." — Emma Watson. [Times Of London]
• "I will not be shagging Russell Brand. Just because I gave him my number does not mean I’ll be going on a date with him. I was the subject of one of his calls once, but I didn’t answer the phone thank goodness! I just saw his name come up on the screen and thought: 'I don’t think I’m going to answer that right now.' He was on air and it was just good female intuition. I had another conversation with him on the radio shortly before he left his radio show and he is a lot fun. I like him. And I can totally handle guys like that." — Dita Von Teese. [The Sun]

• Kabbalah enthusiasts Madonna and Alex Rodriguez took their scandalous romance public Wednesday night in Miami, mere days after Madge's divorce from Guy Ritchie was finalized. A-Rod handed Madge a bottle of water as she finished her second song during a sold-out show at Dolphin Stadium. E! is referring to the couple as "Madrod", but surely there has to be a better name for the unlikely pair. A-Mad? Rodge? Madariguez? [E! via Yahoo News]
• Truly sad news (if true): sources say Patrick Swayze is saying goodbye to his friends and family as his cancer has spread to his liver. However, this news originated from the National Enquirer so remember the grain of salt. [Daily Telegraph]
• Are Sienna Miller and the still-married Balthazar Getty back on the public canoodle train? After a scandalous relationship and a public break-up, the two were spotted dining out in London and were seen at the same nightclub later on that day. [Mirror]

• George Clooney ex Sarah Larson says that dating the uber sexy mega star was stressful. " It was a little nerve-wracking because you know, everybody loves George, and so, to be in the public eye like that, it was a little bit stressful," Larson explains. "It's a lot to take in. I think I just went like a deer in the headlights." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Katy Perry says she won't pose for Playboy because “I don’t want to go all Kardashian." We've seen Kim Kardashian, and you, Katy, are no Kim Kardashian. [Mirror]
• Michael Phelps brought his Vegas cocktail waitress girlfriend home for Thanksgiving. They've been together for about two months. [People]
• Lynne Spears is defending Britney's mothering abilities to the haters. "Oh she's a wonderful mother – she's funny, she's extremely affectionate," Lynne says. [People]
• "You have to think about what they want, what makes them happy, what makes them feel comfortable. The most important thing is to be grown-up about it and not let any kind of feelings affect how you deal with your children. We raised our kids just to be happy." — Reese Witherspoon on raising kids after a divorce. [Mirror]
• Speaking of split ups, Amy Winehouse met with divorce lawyers yesterday to discuss divorcing her crap husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That's the first good decision she's made in years. [The Sun]
• Posh and Becks spent Thanksgiving in New York with the TomKat clan. Apparently there had been rumors of a rift between the megacouples because the Beckhams didn't want to become Scientologists. The bonds of outrageous sums of money must be stronger than those of religious affiliation. [Daily Mail]

• Britney showed up at the MTV awards. And talked. And somehow won a few. Then Russell Brand made jokes about promise rings and George Bush. [E!]
• Jordin Sparks defended purity rings and some people in the crowd cheered. MTV used to be edgy and subversive, right? [People]
• Schlocky tabloid paper News Of The World is reporting that Lindsay Lohan wants to have a baby and raise the kid with Sam Ronson. LL apparently wants one of her ex-boyfriends to be the baby daddy. [News.com.au]
• No money for old men? Tommy Lee Jones is suing Paramount Pictures, claiming he was promised "significant box-office bonuses" from No Country for Old Men, which made more than $160 million. [USA Today]

• Cancer survivors Christina Applegate, Patrick Swayze, Sheryl Crowe and Lance Armstrong were part of the one-hour Stand Up To Cancer special on TV Friday night. [Reuters]
• "It’s hard to talk about work without talking about things that are personal. Work is personal. I don’t want to talk about my personal life, but it’s on my mind, and it’s in my work." — Michelle Williams, in a rare interview. She also says: "I’m going to take a year off. I think I stopped feeling creative a while ago, and I’m just realizing it now." And: "I’ve always identified with loners and outcasts, I don’t know why. I guess this is why I found a home in independent film. I wanted to work outside the system, which is why all this fame is a real brain teaser. What am I supposed to do with it? Can you work the system without it working you?" [NY Times]
• Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour hit Rome and Her Madgesty said: "I dedicate this song to the pope, because I'm a child of God. All of you are also children of God." Then she sang "Like A Virgin." [Reuters]
• Ellen talks about her wedding! Newsweek asks, "What's the difference between a gay wedding and a straight one?" Ellen says: "Well, the food is gay. The water is gay. There's a gay vibe." And: "I cried when I saw her, because we didn't want to see our outfits beforehand. Actually, I could cry right now thinking about it. I never thought I would have that experience of getting married. I didn't think I was missing anything. I just didn't think about it. But to see her for the first time and to cut a wedding cake, that was surreal for me and I got to experience that with our families around us. I didn't realize how special it was until I did it." [Newsweek]
• Beyoncé: Seen wearing a gigantic, 18 carat flawless diamond valued at more than $5 million dollars. It's apparently a wedding ring from her "secret" marriage to Jay-Z. But yeah, it's huge, look at the picture. [People]
• Gary Coleman hit a man with his truck outside a Utah bowling alley. Was the guy harassing Gary and his wife? Or was Gary drunk? More info to come! [E!]
• David Beckham is well-endowed. In the pants. [The Sun]
• People are loving Daniel Radcliffe in Equus, including that infamous nude scene. [People]
• This Angelina Jolie doll, created by artist Noel Cruz, looks so much like Angie it's scary. Someone paid £2,000 for it on eBay and has the option of having tattoos added for an additional fee. Brad Pitt not included. [The Sun]
• Poor Brad never gets any sleep, but his kids make him laugh. [People]
• Is Pamela Anderson secretly seeing a member of the Royal Family of Dubai? [Global Voices]
• Remember Sam Lufti? Apparently in Lynne Spears' new book, she writes that he threatened Britney's life. Sam allegedly said to Lynne: "If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll (expletive) on her grave." [UPI]
• Chris Brown has written a couple of songs for Britney. Whether she'll sing them is another story. [AP]
• The Florida Federation of Republican Women says they are boycotting Oprah's show and magazine because she's not having Sarah Palin as a guest on her program. Should Oprah feel like she has to give equal time? She's an Obama supporter and says: "At the beginning of this presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a (platform) for any of the candidates." [UPI]
• In 1998, Tom Cruise's wife was in a Broadway play. It's 2008 and Tom Cruise's wife is in a Broadway play! But Katie Holmes' part is not like Nicole Kidman's was. For starters, Katie isn't naked. [NY Times]
• Get your motors running: Prince William and Prince Harry will go on a motorcycle ride through Africa to raise money for orphans and AIDS victims. The 1,000 mile ride across South Africa and Lesotho is almost entirely off-road and the temperature will be around 104°. Hardcore! [Telegraph]
• Are Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson expecting twins? [Yahoo News]
• Amy Winehouse performed on the Isle of Wight on Saturday and her show was "patchy," with some fans walking away before it was over. Maybe she needs a long vacation? [The Sun]
• Noel Gallagher was tackled to the ground by a fan on stage in Canada, and yes, there is video. [BBC News]
• Brooke Shields is mildly funny in the commercial for the new VW minivan. [USA Today]
• Posh dining? Victoria Beckham and TV chef Gordon Ramsay are opening a traditional English restaurant in L.A. [Mirror]
• Headline of the day: "'Heather Mills Is A Bitch Who Tricked Me Into Spreading Lies About Paul McCartney,' Claims Her Ex-Hollywood PR." [Daily Mail]
• Also: Seems like Heather Mills promised a bunch of cash to the Adopt-A-Minefield charity — which helps clear mines from former war zones — and hasn't delivered. [The Sun]
• Emma Watson has bought a £1 million ski chalet in France. Now that she is 18, she can spend that Harry Potter and Chanel money! [The Sun]
• Jennifer Aniston says working on 30 Rock was "awesome — really, really fun." [ET]
• Coco Sumner, daughter of Sting and Trudie Styler, showed up at a movie premiere with her hair half shaved and part of an eyebrow missing. "Me and my mates were really stoned and thought it would be fun to shave our heads," she says. "My mum flipped when she saw me." [Mirror]
• Jessica Simpson debuted at the Grand Ole Opry on Saturday night. One viewer said: "I think she should have put some clothes on." There's video if you want to see her boobalicious outfit. [People]
• There's lots of Spider-Man 4 buzz, but Tobey Maguire is not a lock. Yet. [Yahoo News]
• Lily Allen's friend who was kidnapped was rescued just minutes before he was going to be executed. [Mirror]
• Thandie Newton prepared to play Condi Rice in Oliver Stone's new movie W by reading as much as she could. "I had two things going on: reading about this young woman, and the incredible story of the Bush administration. This gigantic beast, this machine and how it was cranking toward war. I wanted to become drunk with knowledge." [Times Of London]
• Kirsten Dunst may play the late singer Eva Cassidy in a movie by Robert Redford's daughter Amy. [The Sun]
• Singer Estelle thinks it's okay that Kanye West is a little egotistical. "I think more people should follow him, and be more cocky and more proud of their work." Kanye probably replied: YES!!!!!!!!! [E!]
• Sadie Frost and her friends drank £50k of champagne in one evening. How much Advil did they need the next day? [Mirror]
• The buzz, heh, on The Secret Life Of Bees, starring Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, Sophie Okonedo and Jennifer Hudson, is "very, very good." Roger Friedman says: "It’s a beautifully balanced, extremely nuanced drama that never gets overly sentimental." [Fox 411]
• Even though Joe Francis has a tax-dodging trial pending, a federal judge says he's allowed to be on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice. But! He won't be on Celebrity Apprentice because he's doing some other Donald Trump project instead. [E!]
• Janet Jackson got emotional while picking up a BMI Urban Award with her brothers (but not Michael) on Thursday night. [People]
• Shelley Malil, who played a dude named Haziz in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, was charged Friday with burglary and assault with a deadly weapon. He's been in jail since August 11 on attempted murder charges for stabbing his ex-girlfriend with two knives (while chasing her around her home as her two kids slept). [CNN]
• Spike Lee is working on a sequel to the Clive Owen/Denzel Washington crime drama Inside Man. [UPI]
• Tiger Woods has this estate in Florida and the average water usage is 10,000 gallons a month. He's almost in the top 25 water guzzlers in Orange County, Florida. But doesn't he like, travel a lot? Where is all the water going? Hopefully not sprinklers for grassy putting greens. [TMZ]
• Olivia Newton-John celebrated her third wedding anniversary with a third wedding ceremony. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Mickey Rourke is in a low-budget picture called The Wrestler and he won the coveted Golden Lion award for best movie at the Venice Film Festival on Saturday. [Reuters]
• RIP silent film star Anita Page, who worked with Buster Keaton, Lon Chaney and Joan Crawford. [BBC News]
• "When my wife's working and I've got time off, I'm just Mr. Mom during the day, taking care of the little girl." — Keith Urban. [UPI]
• "My apologies to the cast and crews of My Name Is Earl and Scrubs. In my frustration with NBC's reprehensible promotion of 30 Rock, I took an unfortunate swipe at both of those shows and that was not cool. But, for Earl's creator, Greg Garcia, who referred to me as a 'psychotic,' I have only one question. Why are you Scientologists always rendering these medical opinions you aren't qualified to give?" — Alec Baldwin. [Perez Hilton]
• "I fly economy. I do often fly first class, but I don't travel with a posse, or bodyguard, or an assistant. I use other people's infrastructure. For instance, I am going to address the AARP convention in Washington, D.C. I will fly first class to New York on AARP's dime, get into a town car, stay not in a grand suite, but a nice hotel room. I don't pretend to be poor, but somewhere in the middle is O.K." — Gene Simmons. [BusinessWeek]
• "I could never be as successful as the Spice Girls – there were five of us in that group, and alone you can only do so much. But it’s nice to be able to have a go. I’ll have a new album out by January. I don’t get nervous about how it will do or feel pressure to have massive success. I believe in what I do and if people like it, great, and if they don’t then, whatever. The highlight of my career was the girls coming back together and deciding to do a goodbye tour… My jaw was aching for weeks when we first got back on stage, I couldn’t stop smiling." —Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown. [Mirror]
• "I'm single and crush-less… Like Hugh Hefner in his blonde phase, I’m in my European passport-holding era; American men need not apply." — Dita Von Teese. [Daily Express]

• Christian Bale's "assault" against his mother is part of a long-simmering feud. Apparently Christian's been estranged from his mother and sister, Jenny and Sharon Bale, since he sided with his father when his parents divorced in the early '90s. Christian "reluctantly" agreed to meet with them at his London hotel right before the premiere of The Dark Knight but soon realized they were there to hit him up for money. An argument ensued; Christian demanded they leave his suite and allegedly pushed his mother out of the door. Snubbed, his mother went and told her "assault" story; she's trying to sell it to media outlets as well. [Chicago Sun Times]
• Christian Bale singed autographs and posed for photos at the Madrid premiere of Dark Knight last night but did not speak to reporters, duh. By the by, he has not been formally charged with anything. [People]
• Christian's relationship with his wife? Solid. [E!]
• P.S.: Aaron Eckhart has agreed to be in a third Batman film. [ONTD]

• Princess diaries? The FBI has seized Anne Hathaway's journals and will scour the pages looking for info about her ex, Raffaello Follieri. Anne's apparently cut off all contact with Follieri and changed her numbers; a source says, "Raffaello has been trying to call her all the time." He's not doing to well in prison — and wonders if Anne helped put him behind bars. This is going to make a great movie of the week! [Rush & Molloy]
• Brad Pitt's lawyers have sent cease-and-desist letters to photo agencies after paparazzi used "highly powerful telephoto lenses" to get pics — maybe of the twins? [Rush & Molloy]
• Sienna Miller is suing over those shots of her cavorting with Balthazar Getty. She's claiming breach of privacy — and since she won a judgment in December regarding nude pictures of her on the set of Hippie Hippie Shake — she might have a shot. [People]
• Apparently Sienna's pubic hair is being digitally enhanced for Hippie Hippie Shake, a source says, because "the film is set in the swinging '60s when fashion was wild and body hair even wilder… Unfortunately, Brazilians weren't common in the '60s… Sienna's private parts were digitally enhanced, giving her a rather unruly, loud and proud bush." [Mirror]
• Britney's mom ran over a bike-riding young boy with her car and killed him. In 1975. But a source says, "To this day, Lynne hasn't gotten over what she did. She gets that terrified look in her eye when she is thinking about it." Lynne was rushing her injured brother to the hospital when the accident happened. [National Enquirer]
• Singer, fashion designer, actress and mother of two Jennifer Lopez is training for a triathalon, because you don't aleady feel bad enough about yourself. [MSNBC]
• Madonna's brother says his book doesn't even contain everything he wanted to reveal about Madge. "There are plenty of things I left out of the book," he swears. "And things that the lawyers and editors took out." [MSNBC]
• 50 Cent is suing Taco Bell for using his image in an ad campaign without his permission. The ads suggested that Fiddy change his name to 79, 89 or 99 Cent to help promote The Bell's penny-saving deals. 50 doesn't do fast food deals. Who does Taco Bell they think they are, Vitamin Water? [E!]
• Um, Pete Doherty is trying to turn his dead cat into a ring for Kate Moss. Shelley was Kate's fave cat when Kate and Pete were together. Pete's supposedly using that company that turns ashes into gems but yeah. Ugh. [ONTD]
• Let's do the time warp again: MTV is developing a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. A reader writes: "MTV has ruined EVERYTHING WE LOVED. I don't even know how to deal. Seriously, my emotions on this subject are majorly conflicted. I'm sad, which makes me want chocolate cake, but I'm also homicidal, which makes me want chicken fingers." [ONTD, Variety]
• Ethan Hawke and his wife Ryan Shawhughes welcomed a daughter, Clementine Jane Hawke, last Friday. [Us Magazine]
• Lindsay Lohan's cameo role on Ugly Betty is that of Kimberley, Betty's high school nemesis, who is now a fast food waitress. [Mirror]
• Angelina Jolie us the first choice of leading lady in The Thomas Crown Affair 2, which is too bad because no one can be as hot as Rene Russo was in the 1999 version, which, btw, was a remake. [Mirror]
• Peaches Geldof says all that matters is "love, art and music," because they are the only "pure things in life." Then she was spotted with a drug vial necklace. [The Sun]
• Kelsey Grammer nearly died after his heart attack last month. "They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again," he says. Insert something about tossed salads and scrambled eggs here. [Yahoo News]
• Nick Hogan is moving from the juvenile section into the general population of the Pinellas County Jail. He'll be one of 3,300 adult inmates, gulp. [E!]
• A nanny fired on Jordan's reality show is suing the "glamour model" also called Katie Price. The nanny says her privacy was infringed on. [Mirror]
• Here is a story from Pigeon Forge, TN: "Two 14-week-old American bald eagles named by Disney star Miley Cyrus and her country singer father, Billy Ray Cyrus, will be released into the wild Thursday at the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains. The American Eagle Foundation has released more than 90 eagles from Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in East Tennessee since the 1990s." [Yahoo News]
• A man has been charged with stalking Lorne Michaels. The dude believes his thoughts were being stolen by Michaels and then used as SNL fodder. That's just good writing! [E!]
• Avril Lavigne "hates her fangs" and is planning on getting her teeth filed down by a cosmetic dentist. Her punk attitude will remain intact. [Star]
• Elton John has a Ben & Jerry's flavor named after him. Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road is a yummy blend of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks and it's only available for a limited time. [ET]
• Remember Jasmine Guy, Whitley from A Different World? She's having messy divorce problems. [Yahoo News]
• Mindy McCready is in rehab; her 2-year-old son is in the care of her mother. [Yahoo News]
• Matt LeBlanc's former manager is suing him and Matt says Camille Cerio has a "major depressive disorder." [TMZ]
• "I hope to be married in the next five years." — Derek Jeter. [Page Six]
• "She's at that point where she can call me and say, 'Hey Dad, what's up? What time are you going to get me?' It's really cool. We talk every day. It's hard for me to be the tough guy with my daughter. Maybe I should work on the discipline stuff, but I could leave her mother to do that!… Look at me and the way I live: I ride my bicycle, I walk, I don't have a driver. That's how I keep her grounded. Her mom does a good job too – she's not that person that everyone thinks. She's very laidback and cool." — Carlos Leon on his relationship with daughter Lourdes, aka Lola. [People]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A:

• "We weren't expecting twins. So it did shock us, and we jumped to six [children] quickly. But we like a challenge." That's Angelina Jolie speaking! She also says pregnancy is "great for the sex life." Hahaha, wow. Really? Do tell! "It just makes you a lot more creative. So you have fun, and as a woman you're just so round and full." Blushing now! [People via Entertainment Weekly]
• Ooh, and remember Brad's tattoo? Angie says: "I drew that. We went to Davos [Switzerland]. It's not that we were bored at the World Economic Forum, but one night we didn't have anything to do, so I was drawing on his back...The picture everybody saw was kind of awkward, but it just lines up beautifully on his back, just enhances the part of the body I like." [E! via Entertainment Weekly]
• Whee! Angelina might be in the new Muppets movie! [Hollywood Rag]
• Oh, and Maddox is enrolled at a local school in Brignoles, France. He's gonna spend the summer parlaying Français so he's ready for classes in the fall. [E!]
• Breaking: David and Victoria Beckham took the boys to Disneyland yesterday and Posh wore flats. Take a moment, breathe deeply. [ONTD]
• Madonna's brother has written a tell-alll! "It's extremely graphic and devastating," a source says. Christopher Ciccone apparently wrote it "on the sly" without telling his famous sister. The book should hit the shelves next month… [Page Six]

• Another juicy book: Lynne Spears's memoir about raising famous daughters will hit stores in September. Mere months after her unwed teenager gives birth! [People]
• Now that Lily Allen is in Los Angeles, she's being hounded by paparazzi. "Not that I'm complaining, they were perfectly pleasant," she says. "In fact we had a bit of a laugh with them and I quite fancied one of them." [People]
• Heidi Klum says she and Seal may have one more kid. They need to have another girl! [People]
• Britney Spears hung out with Mel Gibson at a cigar club in Beverly Hills on Tuesday. Apparently their relationship has the quality of an "ongoing guidance session." Jesus. No, really. Jesus. [People]
• Nicole Richie reality show? Why not? She was funny on Simple Life. [Just Jared]
• Forbes named Oprah as the world's most poweful celebrity. Again. [Reuters]
• Were Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston in a "beach battle"? [Daily Star]
• Timbaland got married! The bride is a music executive named Monique; the couple were wed in Virginia while wearing sweatpants. They'll have a more formal ceremony in Aruba later this month. [Us]
• Tom Cruise's lawyer kinda called Dr. Drew Pinsky a Nazi. Kinda. [Page Six]
• Say dasvidanya to Amy Winehouse: She's performing tonight for a Russian billionaire. In Moscow! [Page Six]
• Oh — a couple has been charged with conspiracy to supply drugs to Amy Winehouse. [The Sun]
• Producer Scott Storch owes $46,000 in child support, $500,000 in unpaid property taxes and $5,000 in school tuition for his 16-year-old son. [TMZ]
• Remember actress Susan Saint James? She was "Kate" on Kate & Allie! She got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Anyone ever watch that show? [ET]
• Members of Motley Crue are suing their management. Again. [TMZ]
• "On weekends, my friends and I would go out and get into fights with kids from other neighborhoods. One night we were scrapping with these guys in [Brooklyn's] Prospect Park, around the corner from my house, when all of a sudden I heard this pop and felt a hit under my left eye. It turned out I'd been shot. It was only a pellet gun, but it hurt pretty bad . . . That was my first and last gang fight." — Neil Diamond. [Page Six]

• Did Hulk Hogan have an affair while he was still living with his wife, Linda? And was the woman he slept with a friend of his daughter, Brooke? [Perez Hilton]
  
• Nicole Richie's baby! On the cover of People! Cute! [People]
  
• Someone styled & shot Lindsay Lohan to look like a tired tranny hooker on the cover of Paper magazine. [The.Life Files]
  
• March 17: The date a judge will tell Sir Paul McCartney how many millions he has to give to ex Heather Mills. Mark your calendars! [Mirror]
  
• Is Amy Winehouse back on drugs? Friends say she feels rehab is turning her into "some sort of zombie with no emotion." She apparently says she feels "numb" and recently held a lighter over her hand and purposely burned her skin. Fuck. [The Sun]

• A court in Norway has postponed Amy's drug possession hearing. She was arrested there last October on charges of marijuana possession. She and Blake Incarcerated were due in court Friday, but Blake is due in court in the UK Friday, so he won't be able to make it. So many court dates, so little time. [USA Today]
• Gossip columnist Cindy Adams wrote that pregnant Nicole Kidman was drinking white wine backstage during the Oscars; Kidman's publicist, who was with Nicole backstage, says the beverage was tea and that Adams is "an idiot, and you can quote me." [News.com.au]
• Jenna Bush had a girls-only spa weekend bachelorette party in Boca Raton; her fiancé had a boys' weekend in Miami. [People]
• Jessica Simpson is traveling to Kuwait to "entertain" the troops. Just what they need. [People]
• High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale had a nose job in November; her recently released doll has her old nose. LOL. [MSNBC]
• Something is going on between Jonathan Jaxson of gossip site JJ's Dirt and Perez Hilton, but it's sort of too early to think about it. The gist: Sex tape in return for blogging help. "I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart...but he's just a [bleep]hole," Jaxson says. YAWN. [Page Six]
• Jessica Alba says she was called a slut in 6th grade because she had big boobs. That ain't right. [Page Six]
• Did Selma Blair and model boyfriend Matt Felker split because he came home and found her with another man? [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears went to the Betsey Johnson store on Melrose in L.A. and asked if they could copy a Dolce & Gabbana dress. They were all, "uh, no." So she bought the yellow wig on a mannequin in the window. [Gatecrasher]
• The LAPD is investigating suspected drugger/robber Sam Lutfi, though they won't come out and say it. [TMZ]
• Kevin Federline is turning 30 next month with a huge party in Las Vegas. Think Brit's invited? [People]
• Lynne Spears has been praising her ex-husband Jamie for taking control of Britney's troubled life. A family friend says, "He's gathered a team of reputable people who are around [Britney] now. She's not well, but for the first time in a long time she has people around her who really care about her." [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow has shot a public service announcement for UNICEF to raise money for HIV prevention. [People]
• Is Kate Hudson trying to bag Justin Timberlake? A source says she has been "texting him nonstop." But she's also seeing Owen Wilson, apparently. So. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which TV vixen, based in L.A., spent a lot of the writers' strike downtime in New York City? Word is that she was cheating on her boyfriend with her girlfriend." [Gatecrasher]
• That diamond band, wedding-ish ring Ashlee Simpson's been wearing? "It's a promise ring," she says. From Pete Wentz, natch. [Rush & Molloy]
• Bill Cosby is hosting the Playboy Jazz Festival, if you care. What would Claire Huxtable say? [AP]
• Isaiah Washington was on Capitol Hill meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus and lobbying to preserve the history of an island known off the coast of Sierra Leone. [Politico]
• A judge won't let Ja Rule post bail for his homies, who are co-defendants in a gun possession case. [Yahoo News]
• Josh Hartnett: Forced to fly coach. [Page Six]
• Oooh, Ludacris, Thandie Newton and Gerard Butler star in the new Guy Ritchie movie! [Page Six]
• Boy George denies he kept a 28-year-old Norwegian dude handcuffed in his apartment. Do you really want to hurt me??? [Yahoo News]
• Naomi Campbell remains hospitalized in Brazil, though her doctor says she is "completely cured and walking." Be well! [Yahoo News]

• Amy Winehouse is moving with the Osbournes. She's friends with Kelly, so Ozzy and Sharon are opening her guesthouse at their estate outside of London. Because, you know, the Osbournes are the perfect family to take in an addict. [Page Six]
  
• Jennifer Lopez wants her twins to be born on Valentine's Day, since she'll be able to make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers. Always so practical! [MSNBC]
  
• Sam Lutfi is hiding out somewhere in L.A. but did contact E! News to claim: "I'm not worried about what Lynne is saying" about cutting Britney's phone lines. "It's not true." He does admit he made Brit take pills: "I said these pills are working wonders — they are miracle pills." [MSNBC]
  
• Kevin Federline is attending the Marc Jacobs show tonight, let us repeat, KEVIN FEDERLINE is attending the Marc Jacobs show tonight. Meanwhile, Grandma Lynne Spears has weekend custody of the kids. [E!]

• As reported yesterday, Kirsten Dunst is in rehab, sources say she was "awful with her liquor." [Page Six]
• Uma Thurman is not pregnant, she just quit smoking, says her boyfriend Arky Busson. Stop staring at her tummy! Also, "Arky," LOL. [Page Six]
• Not-so-blind item! "Which former congressman was spotted taking an interest in a very young dancer at a gay club in Fort Lauderdale? You'd think by now he would have turned the page." [Gatecrasher]
• Heidi Fleiss was arrested in Nevada on DUI, driving without a license and possession of dangerous drugs without a prescription. From the looks of her mugshot, homegirl was waaaaaaaaaaasted. [TMZ]
• Fergie on stars who hide that they're knocked up: "It's so stupid. It can be obvious a girl is pregnant but they still deny it. It's as if they want the attention and press it causes. I wouldn't be part of all that nonsense." Never say never! [Mirror]
• If you've got £100 and you ask nicely, Pete Doherty will play your birthday party. That's either a great deal or slightly overpriced, can't decide which. [The Sun]
• Oprah ($260 mil), Tiger Woods ($100 mil) and Jay-Z ($83 mil) are at the top of the list of Forbes' "Top Earning African-Americans". Take a moment and think about what you would do with the mere $27 mil raked in by Lebron James, #10. [Concrete Loop]
• Andrea Peyser of the New York Post wrote a column calling Heath Ledger "reckless and greedy" and "selfish." She claimed: "There is nothing noble or beautiful about the so-called accidental death of Heath Ledger, a man with everything to live for - a beautiful daughter, a blossoming career, and a Victoria's Secret catalogue-full of willing babes. He threw it away, as gamely as if he had put a gun to his mouth and pulled the trigger." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Kanye West is selling his Beverly Hills home for $8 million, less than a year after her bought it for $7.5 million. The price probably includes the black angel he had painted on the ceiling. [Wall Street Journal]
• Kanye might be performing at the Grammys, and if he does, it will be an "emotional tribute" to his mother. [People]
• Pepe Jeans is suing a charter airline for canceling Sienna Miller's fight from London to New York. She missed a photo shoot and the company had to hire a "replacement model." Like Sienna can be replaced! [Reuters]
• Leona Lewis, winner of the UK singing competition X Factor, says most of her friends from the old neighborhood have been shot, knifed or beaten. [Mirror]
• Kyle (Sex And The City, Twin Peaks) MacLachlan and his wife, Project Runway producer Desiree Gruber, are expecting their first child. Congrats! [Page Six]

• A source says Jake Gyllenhaal is not OK following the death of his good friend Heath Ledger. He's "taking it harder than most people" and it's "obviously a major trauma." So sad. [People]
  
• The story of the impostor pretending to be Heath Ledger's father — talking to Tom Cruise and getting rooms booked at a fancy hotel — will just make your blood boil. [NY Post]
  
• Reports are coming in that Michelle Williams drove Heath Ledger to rehab last March; Heath refused to get out of the car. [Us Magazine]
  
• Reclusive actor Wes Bentley (American Beauty) has issued a rare statement, remembering his friend Heath as a "a Vibrant Man, a Brave Actor, a Passionate Father and a Friend Forever." The two starred in the 2002 film Four Feathers. [People]
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker is getting into the reality TV game: Her pitch is to create a Project Runway-type show, but for the art world. Ooh, highbrow. Um, Sketch And The City? [Variety]

• Britney Spears recovered from her chaotic Monday night by buying a new Mercedes on Tuesday. Beep beep! [TMZ, TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Britney's mom is visiting her (maybe trying for an intervention?) and things are not going well — they've been arguing the whole time. [People]
• Of course, Sam Lutfi, Britney's Great Manipulator™, is saying that Brit's parents have "an agenda" and "don't fit in" and only see her three times a year. [The Sun]
• Joan Collins, 74, was seen checking out a valet's backside after lunch in Beverly Hills last week. Frisky minx! [Page Six]
• Cameron Diaz is hooking up with Scott Speedman? The two were seen "frolicking on the beach" and "smooching" in the Bahamas. Any Ben Covington fans here? [Gatecrasher]
• LOL blind item! "Which model-turned-actress, who is on her second actor husband, relaxes between shoots with a bong made from an enormous two-liter plastic soda bottle?" [Gatecrasher]
• A flight attendant says that when Lindsay Lohan was on her plane, she drank like a fish: "I served her double vodkas." Sober, shmober. [Rush & Molloy]
• Jessica Alba's unborn spawn: Apparently a boy. [Rush & Molloy]
• Amy Winehouse's father: "I'm not sure the Grammys are going to happen. I don't want her to go — I think it might be a bit too soon for her." Crap! Well she needs to get well, so as long as it takes... [Mirror]
• Paula Abdul will not perform live during the Super Bowl — due to her stage jitters and fragile emotional state. Wow. Is anyone else in shock that she has a new single? [MSNBC]
• Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still hot and heavy, can't keep their hands off each other, etc., if you care. [MSNBC]
• A witness claims that Daniel Smith, son of Anna Nicole, was not a drug addict but a "brilliant" young man unhappy living in his mother's shadow. [AP]
• Ducati has made a new motorcycle: A $72,500 titanium, magnesium and carbon fiber superbike; Tom Cruise us the first on the lest to get one. He feels the need, the need for speed. Obvs. [MSNBC]
• Actress Julie Christie, 66, seems to have secretly married her partner, journalist Duncan Campbell, whom she has been with for 28 years. Romantic, no? [Daily Mail]
• The artist who sculpted Britney Spears giving birth naked and Paris Hilton nude and dead has now rendered Oprah in bronze on an Egyptian sarcophagus. Nude, of course. [Daily Mail]
• Something about Verne Troyer's ex-wife being addicted to drugs and on the verge of suicide? Or just some crazy dude shouting stuff. [Perez Hilton]
• Fire broke out at the Duchess of York's home! Someone left a scented candle burning in the bathroom... Fergie wasn't at home so maybe her teenage daughters are to blame? [Telegraph]
• David Beckham's face is on the best-selling condom in China. He doesn't endorse the brand but really ought to be flattered that dudes want him on their junk. As do ladies. [News.com.au]

• Britney Spears found out that her 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn was pregnant when everybody else did... Last night as the new issue of OK! was dropping. She was said to be "frantic" when she heard. [TMZ]
  
• Then Brit told a group of photographers and fans, "My sister's not pregnant." [TMZ]
  
• Then she issued a statement: "Britney is aware of the news regarding Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. She wishes her sister nothing but the best and asks for privacy during this time." She can ask, but she's not gonna get it. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Oh, and Lynne Spears' book on parenting is being delayed. Good idea! [People]

• But anyway, a source says "Jamie Lynn was the family's big hope. With Britney, one minute you're in, the next you're out. Brit had been supporting her family for years, and now all eyes were on Jamie Lynn." No pressure! Also, JL met her babydaddy in church. They must have been so into each other that they skipped some important sermons. [MSNBC]
• Lily Allen is also preggers! The 22-year-old found out she was expecting last month, but just told her family. The dad is 37-year-old boyfriend Ed Simons from the Chemical Brothers. Sources say Lily is "thrilled." [The Sun]
• But yeah, Lily will have to quit smoking. [Daily Mail]
• Is American Idol alum and Color Purple star Fantasia Barrino also knocked up? Is unprotected sex the new hot trend? Doesn't anyone use condoms anymore? Sigh. [Page Six]
• Did Lindsay Lohan say to "roommate" Courtenay Semel "lezzbe friends, breast friends"? They were seen holding hands at the party of a power lesbian. But maybe Courtenay was just holding LL back from non-sober fun? [Page Six]
• Lindsay's dad Michael played the role of Joseph in a Nativity scene in Times Square. Not a joke. [Page Six]
• A woman in Atlanta claims she became bipolar after Damon Dash exposed himself to her. Genitalia trauma! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which diva songstress, as much a legend for her attitude as her pipes, demanded that an L.A. hair salon close for her on a busy Saturday, only to cancel the appointment?" [Gatecrasher]
• Helena Bonham Carter's "push present" from Tim Burton? Four pairs of lace-up biker boots. The gift that says, "Darling, you kick ass." [Daily Express]
• Kate Moss is taking her man, Jamie "Hotel Hince, her daughter, her mother and her stepfather on a sunny £30,000 vacation — maybe to St. Bart's. We wanna go too! [Daily Mail]
• Prince William took girlfriend Kate Middleton on a pheasant shoot. She carried dead birds and her man kissed her for being a good sport. Romantic! [Daily Mail]
• Ooh, are the Prince and Kate secretly living together? [Daily Express]
• Psychiatrists were called to calm a "screaming and sobbing" Amy Winehouse before her arrest yesterday. She was questioned for over two hours and then released on bail. Hey, at least she's not with child. Yet. [Daily Mail]
• Princess Diana had a half-empty package of contraceptives among her belongings before she died, her inquest has revealed. This makes it less likely that she was pregnant at the time of the crash. [Mirror]
• Tom Cruise's film Valkyrie is being delayed until next fall, because a pivotal scene has not been shot. Or because the buzz is that it sucks. [MSNBC]
• Chris O'Donnell and his wife Caroline gave birth to their fifth child. Soon they'll have enough for a dodgeball team! [People]

US
Britney is SICK! Declares the cover, showing Brit with her broke-ass weave and hideously unflattering Halloween costume. Inside we learn that Spears got straight Fs on the Parenting Report Card graded by her court-appointed parenting coach because her home life is "chaotic." A "confidant" thinks Brit is suffering from adult onset ADD or postpartum depression. Us then provides a handy chart delineating the signs of mental illness for those of us not already convinced that Brit is batshit. In Hills news, the axis of evil known as Spencer Pratt is allegedly shopping a sex tape "under the guise that it had been 'stolen.'" The tape shows Pratt n' pals hooking up with a bunch of Brazilian hussies. Later, Audrina catches JustinBobby making out with a redhead at L.A. club Opera and has since begun dating Australian pro BMXer Corey Bohan. Also inside: did Katie Holmes run the marathon without a bra (but with lipstick and eyeshadow)? Are Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson really dating? "Did Brad Get Dissed by Barak?" Are Christina Applegate and ex-husband Johnathon Schaech back together? What is the meaning of life?
Grade: C- (cold mac n' cheese the next morning)

Life & Style
Angelina's Sexy Kiss With Another Man! chastises the cover (and hey look, they went back to the old logo!) though inside we learn that her kiss was part of a scene with Scotsman James McAvoy for her upcoming movie Wanted. It's called ACTING, people. But we are reminded that Angie has a history of boning her costars, as she hooked up with Brad and exes Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller on set. Allegedly Brad is jealous of her steamy scene and also of her hot new bodyguard, another Scottish bloke named Billy. Britney's mom gives L&S an exclusive interview in which she says "I blame myself," for Britney's erratic behavior. It's kind of a bummer! In addition: Bennifer v. 2.0 is purportedly feeling the strain of their busy schedules, as Jennifer Garner is in New York acting in a revival of Cyrano and Ben is on the road promoting his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone. As a result, Ben's been hitting the sauce pretty hard again. Finally, there is a spread of Jennifer Aniston high school photos where she sports sweatpants and also her old nose.
Grade: D+ (cinnamon raisin bagel dug out of the garbage)

OK!
The cover shows adorable Jayden James and Sean Preston saying "Mommy We Miss You!" The "two forgotten princes of Malibu" are left in the car while Brit goes chandelier shopping and she never lets them have playdates with other, possible more hygienic children. An interview with "the anti-Britney" Carrie Underwood reveals that she loves the bad boys and enjoys drinking Coors beer, long walks on the beach and dolphins. "They're like giant, rubbery, wet dogs!" Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom sucked face at her Halloween party (in front of ex-boyfriend Dax!!) but they're not really dating. Tyra Banks is dating a 50-year-old banker named John Utendahl, and his buddies are not pleased with Ty Ty's divaness. "Tyra insisted his friends delete iPhone pics they had taken as a group because she hadn't been styled!"
Grade: D (warm cottage cheese and prunes)

In Touch
Tom's still keeping secrets from Katie, the cover tells us. A new book by Andrew Morton (of Lady Di bio fame) exposing Tom's "deepest demons" is hitting bookstores next January. Katie is worried that Suri's paternity might be questioned by Morton because the alien baby's birth certificate was not signed until 20 days after she was born. In addition, Morton explores the gay innuendos that have plagued Tom since his marriage to Mimi Rogers, who had said he was celibate during their union. The book also rehashes the old rumor that Katie auditioned to be Tom's beard... er, wife, along with fellow starlets Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth and alleges that Tom's past relationships were "photo opportunities" rather than "romances." In Touch carries details of the fracas at Oprah's South African academy. Disgraced school matron Tiny Makopo reportedly "grabbed a student by the throat and threw her against the wall." Also inside: George Clooney and Fabio got in a fistfight at Madeo in West Hollywood over some photos being taken by Fabio's party. Clooney asked one of Fabio's companions to stop taking pictures, and Fabio told George to "Stop being a diva." Zing! A scuffle ensued between George and Fabio but waiters broke it up before it got too intense. The Olsen twins had a garage sale and made a cool $25,000 off their homeless chic cast-offs.
Grade: C (peanut butter and jelly on untoasted Wonderbread)

Star
The cover asks whether Angelina and her bodyguard have become "too close?" Bodyguard Billy (no one knows his last name!) escorted Ange to a screening of A Mighty Heart. A friend of the couple says that Angelina "finds [Billy] attractive and she's reacting to it. She's flirtatious. She's a sexual creature." Britney's ashamed of her childhood because she grew up poor, says mom Lynne's forthcoming book. Also, her break-up with Justin was scheduled. According to a family insider, apparently things had been in decline for a while and towards the end, both Timberlake and Spears were using their bond for publicity. Finally, Lynne is in dire financial straits because Brit stopped giving her money. Helena Bonham Carter farted during a sex scene with Paul Bettany while filming The Heart of Me. Star also links Shia LaBeouf's recent Walgreens arrest to his break-up with Rihanna. Shia is allegedly insane with jealousy over her new relationship with Josh Hartnett.
Grade: D- (possibly rancid leftover General Tso's)