Jezebel 
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New York, 5:24 AM
Sat Dec 12
67 posts in the last 24 hours
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12/01/09
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I almost envy you. It's quite the rush.
11/30/09
The part where she grows up, realizes Edward's an asshole and her whole fixation on him was a fever dream of youth. Instead she gets married at 17. But instead of being able to get a divorce when she outgrows the relationship... she gets to spend thousands of years married to your high school boyfriend.
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Bella also gets married because Edward's a manipultive fuck who won't fuck, so she has to marry the dude to get laid. And that's something that women aren't supposed to complain about, because women don't want sex. They tell me, that is.
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Phhht!
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"I'm hungry, look at that seal. But I love that seal. I'm hungry. That seal looks delicious. But I love that seal! I'm hungry. Look at that delicious seal. OMG I LOVE THAT SEAL!"
The second book's first paragraph:
"That creepy shark has been following me around. He's sort of hot. Stop following me, handsome! Why is he following me? Is he going to eat me? I think I'm in love with him."
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...until the shark poops.
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I do like some overwrought romance sometimes myself, if only because real life is not really that...epic. Which is partly what I think is appealing about tragic love stories. The intensity. Normal life doesn't, and shouldn't, have that. Because we'd combust if it was like that 24/7.
I suppose young love is so appealing for that reason, too. Because it's new and full of firsts. Because the longer you spend with someone, the more that mellows. Not because you love them any less, but because you can't keep up that level of intensity all the time. And I think we miss that as we get older and try to recapture it when we can, including in our fiction.
Oddly, I'd have less of a problem with some of this if the heroine was less passive. There's a reason Buffy keeps getting brought up in these discussions, and not just for the vamp connection. I find her more appealing because she doesn't need to be rescued. I just don't find that engaging as an audience/reader now that I'm older...and didn't much when I was younger, either. I want to identify with the heroic, not the damsel in distress. But I recognize that may not be true for a lot of other women.
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At the time I thought they were being annoying and overprotective but now? I totally get why they weren't thrilled by the idea.
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Meyer's like, la, la, la, it'll all be FINE.**
** I haven't actually read Twilight. But I kind of feel like I have.
11/30/09
Hopefully that's true of Twilight as well, but that's not the impression I get...considering she apparently refs WH repeatedly as a romance when it isn't.
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When we were supposed to be writing, the whole back of the class would compare stories of who embarrassed themselves the most pursuing their pretend love.
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Plus, most of this stuff is all...right there. Like, obviously. It doesn't take any degree in lit critique to see it.
It's like comparing Twilight to something like Pride & Prejudice. It makes absolutely no sense, unless you're going to discuss all the difference. All they have in common is a female author and some degree of love story. Tone, character, everything else is entirely and completely different.
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I'd be more ashamed that I knew that if I hadn't just written an article on it.
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Plus side: in a world that says women have to shave, pluck, dye, exfoliate, tone, scrub, perfume, tan, bleach, diet, curl, straighten, be brilliant, make tons of money, have a spotless home, have just the right number of kids at just the right time, and generally be effortlessly perfect--and even then, still be under the constant threat of being traded in for a newer model--the notion of a guy who loves you for something you just *are* and always will be is damn appealing.
Down side: By definition, that makes Bella passive as all hell. It also makes her relationship with Jacob seriously problematic--he likes her because she's funny (to him, at least), hangs out with him, and is really comfortable with him. That means he likes her because of active stuff that she's doing, thereby wrecking the fantasy of effortless love stated above.
11/30/09
To be short, I have been in an abusive relationship before, with physical, emotional, and mental abuse that was extreme. So I wonder if I am excusing what is going on right now in my life as not so bad, and dismissing it, when really, it's abusive.
For the past year, I have been told over and over that we (boyfriend of over 3 years and I) are going to be getting married. We bought a ring together that is sitting in a drawer because he's never actually proposed. We've discussed the ways we will balance children and work, where we want to live, really big picture things. So I think we are moving in that direction. And yet, at the same time, every few months he has a freak out and takes it all back, says he can't do it, etc. And I cry and feel hurt and betrayed, ask why he was making plans if he was unsure, etc. And the answer is, I'm sorry, and I'll never bring it up again unless I am sure. But it keeps happening. He will bring the topic up, start making plans, and then freak out.
It happened again yesterday, and I'm so tired. I feel like my heart has been jerked around too much, and that it has crossed the line. The worst part is, he knows my history of being abused.
Am I crazy?
(Sorry to ramble. This post hit a nerve.)
11/30/09
Time was, I would've recommended an ultimatum but frankly (not knowing anything else about the situation) I think you'd be better off without him. :(
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And, there is an ultimatum of sorts already out there: If there is no proposal before he takes a new job in a different city, which should happen around February, then he will move without me. That's the best I could do. And I said I would stay in touch, and maybe he'll miss me and see the light (ie, I was trying to be as gentle and hopeful as possible) but I just feel deflated.
I just wish it hadn't happened right before the holidays. This sucks.
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Suffice to say, I'm a bit of a mess at present and ill-equipped to offer any firsthand advice. (Secondhand advice, however? As stated by one of my besties: "If he's not sure that he wants you, then he doesn't deserve you. Period." Quite a punch in the gut for such a simple statement.) Solidarity and sympathy, on the other hand, is yours for the taking.
So, no, you're not crazy. No more than I am. Be good to yourself.
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Is this the new mid-life crisis point?
I will try to take your advice, and I love that line.
Good luck. It hurts to be an idealist.
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And as the more-commitment-phobic member of my marriage, I can say getting married doesn't really cure the phobia. I've shifted it to my career, when to have kids, etc.
11/30/09
So I don't think I should get any blame. I've been clear for about a year about what my expectations are, ever since he mentioned moving to a new city. The only thing that is my fault is staying and giving him another chance to make promises he won't keep, apparently.
11/30/09
Doesn't seem to make a difference.
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"Oh, but he feels awful every time! I'm being sarcastic, but actually, he does. And then I have to comfort him for feeling so bad about hurting me."
I'm not going to label your whole situation "abusive" but you may have noticed, yourself, that there is a resemblance between what you said about him in this quotation and how some violent men act after they've hit or violated their partners--they're so sorry, they feel awful, and the woman ends up taking responsibility for the man's emotions and actions.
Hitting is one way of acting out. So is 'freaking out'. They are not the same, and physical abuse is very scary and shattering for victims while a partner's 'freak out' may not (necessarily) be so traumatic. But still...they are both forms of acting out, manipulation, and control.
It sounds like you guys have a lot of control issues in the relationship--you try to exert control by trying to get this one thing--the marriage--to damn well happen--because it's what you want, because you love him, because you've been together for 3 years, for whatever reason you have for wanting a committed future with this man. He tries to exert control in return by having a regular "freak out" about the prospect of marriage. The "freak out" has the especial benefit for him of taking you, portia_sue, back to square one (no power, having to beg, cajole, convince him to return to the "it's going to be great" status) in one fell swoop. It's a very successful and empowering moment for him, I'm sure. Why he feels the need to do this is not clear, apart from just general run of the mill commitmentphobia. But in some ways, the "why" is not your problem but his. The problem is what he's doing to you. And you can only really control and choose what you do--you can't actually make him do anything.
I don't like the sound of this and am worried that even if he goes through with it before February it will not be a stable, supportive relationship. Of course, I'm just a stranger on the internet but honestly, I think it's almost always better for a person to cut his/her losses and move on than marry and then get a divorce or stay in an unhappy relationship. Divorce is painful and traumatizing, and so is staying with a partner who isn't really sure he wants to be with you, or be married.
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EVERYONE! I love you all so much for everything you've said. It helps me so much more than you can know.
THANK YOU!!!!
/end excessive stylistic flouishes
11/30/09
Also, if he cannot communicate with you openly, or if he cannot be honest with you about the way he feels, then imagine how it will be later on, should you two actually marry. What if you have kids? What he tells you he's fine with having them, but then you have them, and suddenly he has another freakout? You can always get a divorce or call off an engagement, but you can't return kids.
My honest opinion is that it might be time for a break, if only so you can both get your heads in order. I don't think he's being abusive, but I do think you deserve better than this.
(Sorry, I don't mean to type so much. It's just that I've been thinking about this exact situation because of my sister, and it's very upsetting to me.)
11/30/09
I'm no expert on abuse, but my guess is if he's trying to control you, or hurt you, with the taking back of the plans to get engaged, then it's abuse, and if he's just a commitment phobe, he is not trying to be abusive, but you still have to consider that you are being hurt by this.
People hurt each other in relationships in ways that are not abuse, but that still doesn't mean that you need to put up with it because it's not classified as abuse and it's not intended maliciously.
You have to put yourself first.
I'm so sorry for what you are going though. I've experienced a very abusive relationship in the past, and it takes such a toll.
Here is a list of things that could indicate abuse, if you are curious:
[www.ndvh.org]
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im all about the sparkle.
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Buffy and Riley was not very healthy, either.
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eta: maybe I was younger actually. when was that show on?
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I don't excuse it, but in some ways, Angel without his soul was like a mentally ill person off his meds - the person is still in there and they do terrible things, but that isn't really "them".
That said, I don't disagree that Buffy had some troubling themes. I just don't think it was as bad as Twilight, nor do I think people were so hopelessly devoted to Buffy as they are to Twilight.
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I agree that it was presented as this really uber-romantic thing, but I think it was basically an allegory of teen love rather than an ideal; the way things really do feel like life or death when you're that age. Plus, the relationship comes to an end because it's not right, which does make it different to the Edward and Bella lovefest where they all live happily ever after. When Buffy gets the chance to resurrect it, she chooses not to because she wants to focus on figuring out her own identity.
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First, Buffy is a very different character and things that happen to her, choices she makes, are not the same as regular girl characters. She's supernatural herself, for one thing, so she doesn't have the same limitations or even the same exact rules. She's also the hero and driving force of the narrative and is almost never passive. She can take care of herself against a vampire in a way a character like Bella can't.
Plus, Buffy is self-aware. She herself tells Angel early on that the stalker behavior is not okay, and he's only able to do stuff like come into her room because she invites him. And a lot of his behaviors are related to what he is...such as the fact that he can only come out at night, can't come in unless invited, has to hide out, etc. And that he was sent to help by the Powers that Be. And the writing often pokes fun at the overwrought nature of their relationship...like The Zeppo and a few others. They make it clear to the audience that they know what they're showing has issues. Zander in particular is always critical of Angel and that relationship.
Plus, the Angel going bad story was absolutely an allegory for abusive relationships, plus the horror/slasher trope of how things go bad once you have sex. It's different than Edward, though, because the show makes the distinction that having no soul means Angel is an entirely different person. He's really Angelus, entirely evil, with no conscience. They deliberately show the sinister nature of actions that, previously, were not. And they mostly weren't because, again, Buffy isn't Bella. She has supernatural powers.
She takes him back when he returns with a soul. But the relationship eventually ends because they really can't be together. There's no happy ending.
The Spike/Buffy relationship is also different. It's self-destruction through sex. The entire season is about the consequence of resurrecting Buffy and the toll it takes on everyone. Buffy in particular goes through a lot of self-loathing, and that's why she's with Spike. I never thought it was portrayed as romantic or appealing at all. It's shown over and over to be abusive and bad for both of them. The fact that some folks think it's romantic creeps me out.
So my argument would be that all of that was deliberate. Buffy as a show (and character) is extremely self-aware. It never, ever, ever, advocates any of those relationships.
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Part of what happens with Spike, I think, is that they had to remind the audience that he's evil. Sure, he has a chip in his head. And he's been doing some good things because he's a fighter. But he's not good. The chip is not a soul. And in order for it to mean anything for him to earn his soul back the way he does, he has to go to a pretty awful place as a character. We kind of have to hate him, for it to have any meaning when even realizes it went too far. The fact that he even knows that, that evil as he is, some part of him is able to see how wrong it is, was really interesting to me.
I mean, the only reason Buffy is really with him is because she wants to feel something other than horrified to be alive again. It's not romantic. It's not love. It's despair and self-hate through sex.
Plus, they even address a lot of that in Season 7. Spike says it to her, that it's not until he gets his soul back that he realizes what she was doing with him. Taking out her self-hate on him. It doesn't make what he did okay, but it doesn't pretend that situation was healthy at all. Which is why I think the Buffy relationships are way different than Twilight. They were very conscious of what they were doing. The fact that some people insist it was romantic is a fault with the interpretation, I think. Because it's clearly not what was portrayed. Twilight, though, seems to indicate that it IS okay, ultimately, because it all works out.
11/30/09
I do think it's quite important that the Bella/Edward relationship ends happily ever after. Everyone essentially gets exactly what they want out of this fundamentally unequal and creepy relationship, and the idealisation of that is disturbing. Whereas at the end of Buffy, she doesn't have a romantic interest at all and she's portrayed--she even characterises herself--as much stronger for it.
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Yeah but, don't think that nailing him in the gonads wasn't meant to be symbolic. ... Cuz it was, is what i'm saying. A whole mettyfore.
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Spike chose to be a good person, Angel had his goodness handed to him in a little glowy orb.
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"Oh Rosalin! Rosalin!!! How ever could I get over you?!?!!! My one true love!!! Snatched from my...oh hey girl! Why don't you give me a call sometime? The name's Romeo, but you can call me R-Money. How 'bouts I sneak up your trellis sometime and we get this party started! Damn, girl...why your momma gotta be hooking you up with that Paris guy? Let's get married! Then I'll finally tap that fine a...seal our commitment! Oh cheeseits, your daddy's gonna kill me! Quick, ESCAPE! Awww man she's dead? Fuck that noise, time to poison myself!"
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