Jezebel 
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New York, 4:04 AM
Thu Dec 17
63 posts in the last 24 hours
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12/05/09
Some of the biggest points I took away from it is that a lot of relationship counseling is bunk, that looking for problems will pretty much guarantee that there are problems. and that trying to make something that's already pretty good into something "perfect" is the fastest way to make it suck. The writer basically calls herself an idiot for undertaking such an endeavor in the first place, because in her attempt to do one thing she pretty much did the exact opposite.
Yes, a lot of the issues the couples brought up were silly, but you know what? Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that a lot of the issues that arise between you and your partner will seem pretty silly when discussed with people outside of the relationship. You'll tell someone what's going on, and they'll stare at you like O_o and ask why you don't just do X, Y or Z, and you'll be all, it's more complicated than that, and they'll be like *eyeroll* whatever, just pass more wine. So while I certainly thought a lot of what they argued about was ridiculous - the food and the previous partners especially - I'm not about to jump on them for that.
12/05/09
12/06/09
Though I was surprised (and perhaps this was intentional) that she didn't break down their arguments to the underlying common themes. He's got deeply obsessive tendencies (he needs to cook like a gourmet chef three times daily?) and she's got control issues (she thinks that as long as it makes rational sense to her, it's the best way). Obviously these stemmed from their childhoods: he has depressive tendencies and sought affection from unavailable parents and probably developed these focused obsessions as a coping mechanism for feeling sad over a lack of attention; she saw the well-functioning household as the model for how family must work -- so in her more free form life, she's bringing more rigidity than works for her family balance.
But it would seem that the beginning of the process should be to reassure each party that they are loved and respected and valued for who they are, so they feel comfortable to break down some of their distancing and coping behaviors that are creating strife. Of course, that's the challenge in all long-term relationships. And many of these are wounds that can't be fixed (you never become OK with what caused the wound) -- you can only learn to accept them and grow from them. But until your partner understands what those wounds are, understand why they hurt you, and how you have to cope (and be handled) to improve those, you're destined to find that the issues pop up again and again like a wack-a-mole game.
Hell, from the article, he was looking to fill the need created by his emotionally unavailable parents, so frequently he sought out women that were too passionate. He had the craziest of all relationships with someone, it blew up, and he retreated to a safe woman. But the safe woman, his wife, didn't like many aspects of physical intimacy -- and he ended up with a version of his parents (someone who loves you, but holds their distance to a degree) and a reaction to a crazy ex-girlfriend.
They probably needed less marital therapy than individual therapy.
12/04/09
12/03/09
I am not married myself, and am certainly no expert on long-term relationships, but I think that people shy away from working on their marriage because it requires them to really examine themselves first. I think in order to know if you are getting what you need from a partnership (and are providing for the needs of your partner) you have to know *what* you need... and how your partner can fulfill those needs. I think it is hard to have your needs met "better" when you don't really know what they are. I don't think that Western societies really socialize people to know these things, or to be introspective at all, beyond surface "you're a unique little snowflake" type things. I think that women are often socialized to not prioritize their own needs. Men are socialized not to show or examine their own emotional needs. This combined with the fact that we as a society have a fairly narrow mainstream perspective on what a relationship is and can be... not to mention a limited vocabulary (how many times have I used the word need?!?!?). Uncharted territory is intimidating to begin with, but when you feel that you don't have the tools or even the words to deal with "improving a union" it is little surprise that few people want to go there.
12/04/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
Is the coffee that's $9 a pound THAT bad?
12/03/09
12/03/09
All relationships have tension and baggage. She complains that when she improves one part of her marriage, something else goes wrong. To which I would say, just how much are you hoping for?
There are very few days in anyone's life that everything is going along the right way, days that are overwhelmingly perfect and joyous and unequivocally good. Most days, even the good days, are tempered with challenges, difficulties, doubts and considerations.
So I'm not really sure what this article was trying to achieve. Her marriage was fine, so looking for things to fix became a self-fulfilling prophecy - she found problems where before they hadn't been.
As a child of divorced parents who both remarried to drastically different people, I've come to believe that the one absolute factor in whether or not a marriage will stay intact is intent - believing that divorce is not an option, on both sides. The minute you allow the idea of divorce into your head, you weaken your position. Which is not to say that no one should ever get divorced, because some people definitely should. But that divorce, just like marriage, isn't something to be taken lightly, and that marriages are going to have bad days, just like you had bad days when you were single. The only thing that keeps you married seems to be determination to avoid divorce. Love, good-will, humor, romance, passion - it's all icing on top of determination.
12/03/09
1) you hate French kissing?!?!?!?
2)"when Dan vomits in the middle of the night" (how often does he do that?!?)
12/03/09
12/03/09
And sister, if your part of the equation is finances I think your time would have been far better spent educating yourself on how to get your kids through college and how you and your spouse won't have to depend on social security. Because if that's how much you're spending just on food honey your kids could be going to fucking Harvard.
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/04/09
It makes a huge difference knowing that the other person truly cares about you and treasures you and sees that there's a lot more there.
12/04/09
later than I do from the office), I try to greet him at the door BEFORE our big fuzzy female cat who just adores him and leaps to the door when
she hears him coming up the stairs!!!!!! It is funny, as I always play on the darn, she beat me again!! And then we lay fight over who get to snuggle him first. Cat wins that too :(
12/04/09
I would never EVER tell him this, but if we ever get to the point where marriage is an option, my perfect proposal would be going over to his house for dinner and tv like usual, and when I get there, he's written "Will you marry me?" on the wipe board (which is in the hallway where we had our first kiss under the mistletoe). Why? Because it's OUR thing, and even though it's little, it's a lot.
I am now going to pretend I never, EVER said those words, EVER.
12/07/09
12/03/09
Also, have these people never heard of a Trader Joes?
12/03/09
This is false. All marriages need work, good or bad. And all love ebbs and flows. And society should concentrate less on the latest Nicholas Sparks novel, and more on working through problems. Maybe then the divorce rate will go down.
12/03/09
12/03/09
All of this backlash about how simple it should be to make marriage work makes me uneasy. Maybe I'm the odd one out here but it has not been easy to make my marriage a (thus far) successful one. We've both had to do some serious work and it feels very laborious at times. Every relationship is different, so maybe it's not necessary for everyone, I have no idea, but I think that a blanket dismissal of these issues is an oversimplification.
12/06/09
12/03/09
Counting calories, hunting down organic rutabagas, or taking your Pilates practice "to the next level" -- stuff like this gets so obsessive and weird. It's impossible! Just leave it the fcuk ALONE, why don't you? And enjoy the Meyer lemons for Chrissake, if you want! But if you're not saving for college because of them and you need to save for college, skip the lemons. Hug your husband and tell him you guys are a team and ask him how his day was.
Simple as that.
12/03/09
May I say that they both sound quite spoiled and petulant?
My advice to the two of them: stop arguing about things that happened before you met each other. In fact, stop discussing past lovers. Anything prior to your marriage and outside this relationship is off limits as a fight topic, regardless of your feelings or motives.
12/03/09
This lady could make the entire cast of "Thirtysomething " roll their eyes and make gag noises with all this navel gazing.
12/03/09
12/03/09
It is pretty awesome, isn't it?
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
12/03/09
That being said, it should be two-sided.
Everyone knows an area that they can improve in. For some, myself included, it's taking the other person for granted. But even little things like that can make a big difference in the quality of your marriage. You don't have to dig deep to uncover problems, you have to work hard to improve how you behave to another person. See the difference?