• Yesterday we heard there was no sex tape; today Britney wants to buy the tape she made with Adnan Ghalib from him, so she can destroy it. Even if they're not having sex on the video, she's probably loopy and naked. She might need to give this guy a lot of cash to make him go away. [The Sun]
• Meanwhile, Adnan Ghalib has filed for divorce. Don't forget: He was married the whole time he was dating Brit. [TMZ]
• New show Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels has been halted after a crew member driving a production vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and killed two 19-year olds in another vehicle. Bret says: "As a father of two, I cannot even imagine what the families must be going through at this time. I will make every attempt to reach out to them to let them know that my heart and prayers are with them during their time of grief." As of yet, neither Bret nor VH1 have contacted the families. [Perez Hilton]
• Angelina Jolie: In therapy? So are millions of Americans. More on this in Midweek Madness. [Star]
• DJ AM and and Paris Hilton have been texting. He wrote to her: "so lucky to be alive." Paris says: "I think God saved him." [E!]
• You know how Courtney Love said Kurt Cobain's ashes had been stolen? An Australian artist named Natascha Stellmach claims to have the ashes. She plans on putting the ashes in a joint and SMOKING them in a joint in a "secret Berlin location." Then she will announce that she feels stupid and contagious. [NY Mag]

• Sharon Stone wanted her 8-year-old son to get Botox injections in his feet. This was revealed in some custody papers; apparently the kid had a "problem" with "foot odor." Mom suggested Botox; the kid's dad, Phil Bronstein, thought of the "simple and common sense approach" of making sure the boy wore socks and used foot deodorant. [LA Times, TMZ, HuffPo]
• Jennifer Aniston is tanorexic! She bought two tanning beds — at $34,000 each — for her L.A. home after the one she had broke. "She freaked out because the next day, she had a major photo shoot," sez a source. "She had to go to a public tanning place. She learned her lesson after that — always have a back-up." Or, you know, just go to Mexico. [Star]
• This picture of Heather Locklear "arriving" at the police station after her DUI bust is just sad. [The.Life Files]
• Oh, wow: The woman who dialed 911 on Heather Locklear is Jill Ishkanian, a former Us Weekly staffer who was under investigation by the FBI. Right after she called authorities, she called a paparazzi agency. Plus: Ishkanian apparently is the only witness who says Lockelear was driving erratically and that she was drunk, even though it's already established she was not under the influence of alcohol. Ishkanian was in the movie America The Beautiful talking about using celebrities. She runs CelebrityBabylon.com. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan may be on vacation in Mexico but her legal troubles never take a break. Her lawyers were in court seeking dismissal of a portion of a lawsuit filed against her by her former bodyguard, David Kim. He claims she owes him money; LL's lawyers sat there's no evidence of fraud. [E!]
• Daniel Craig was in East Hampton and heard bagpipes coming from inside a restaurant. He walked in and found out it was a baptism celebration. Craig ended up holding the baby and posing for photos. The softer side of Bond! [Page Six]
• Despite reports that it's back on, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are just friends, says a publicist. So calm down. [UPI]
• Oh no: Audrina Patridge wants her own show. And MTV is actually discussing it with her! [Perez Hilton]
• Sean Penn's playing San Francisco’s first openly gay politician, Harvey Milk, in a new film. Apparently after kissing James Franco, Sean texted Madonna: "I just broke my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don’t know why." Madonna wrote back: "Congratulations." [LA Times]
• Speaking of Madonna, the trailer for her film looks not half bad. [Jossip]
• Two high school girls were suspended for dancing to Katy Perry's song at a football game. It was Texas, where "I Kissed A Girl" is threatening, apparently. [Perez Hilton]
• Do not make the mistake of listening to Paris Hilton's techno-tinged new song about finding a new best friend. Just don't. Some of us haven't fully recovered. [People]
• Beyoncé's new CD probably will not be done in time for her Nov. 18 release date. [Rush & Molloy]
• Mark Wahlberg's son was born on Sept. 16 but Mark and his fiancée Rhea Durham just settled on a name: Brendan Joseph. [E!]
• Yes! YES! Jack White and Alicia Keys in the video for the new Bond song, "Another Way To Die." [People]
• Katie Price, the "glamour model" known as Jordan, and her husband Peter Andre, might be breaking up. [Perez Hilton]
• Oh wait, here they are leaving a club all kissy kissy. [The Sun]
• Kendra from Girls Next Door and Joe Francis: Seen making out in Miami. [Page Six]
• Simon Pegg is learning how to lose friends and alienate people. He said of Ricky Gervais: "He said there'd been no good British films since 1950. What an idiot. If you go to LA, you can get sucked into that." [Telegraph]
• Some film exec on Forest Whitaker: "Ugly, black, and unbankable." [StereoHyped]
• There's no street named after Lou Reed in New York, and he thinks that's bullshit. He says: "Lou Reed Way would be nice. Any little street would do." [Gothamist]
• Fast food joint Sonic wants to target young women, so they're creating a bunch of episodic-type ads to run during The Hills. [Brandweek]
• Britain's Daily Star published a picture of Sienna Miller cornered by more than a dozen cameramen while waiting for an elevator, red-faced and near tears. She sued; stating she was clearly in distress and being harassed; the tabloid paid her $27,000 in damages and issued an apology. [E!]
• Kenny Chesney is making like Diddy and getting into the booze biz. He's developing a "premium rum" with Constellation Spirits. [UPI]
• Russell Crowe knows how to fix the economy: "I have been intently watching the political process," he says. "If they want to stimulate the economy and get people spending so they can look after their mortgage ... give everyone $1 million.'' Except that would be 300 trillion dollars, way more than the $700 billion bailout package. [News.com.au]
• Kim Kardashian is not married, she just calls her boyfriend "hubby." Or "Papa Bear." [E!]
• Kim was booted from Dancing With The Stars last night, on the 5th anniversary of her father's death. Robert Kardashian was best known for being OJ Simpson's lawyer. [Yahoo News]
• Three people who work on Madonna's tour speak about the costumes, the concept and Her Madgesty. The costume designer says: "Madonna has eight costume changes. And everyone gets doubles of everything, including the shoes, to last the duration of the tour. Madonna sometimes has up to six copies of one particular outfit so that it always looks fresh and great. […] We develop a lot of her clothes ourselves. So we go to the end of the earth if we have to to find the right fabric. Or if we have shoes made, we collaborate with wonderful people at Miu Miu and Prada. Madonna gets to play different characters, whether it's a sexy robot or a gypsy." [NY Daily News]
• The weird thing about Stephen Colbert being in the comic of Spider-Man is that you end up staring at his illustrated crotch. [Perez Hilton]
• Janet Jackson is out of the hospital. It was probably exhaustion, says boyfriend Jermaine Dupri. "A 42-year-old body can't handle what a 22-year-old body can," he says. "I can tell you that she's definitely tired." [People]
• Oh, but while Janet was in the hospital, Jermaine was out partying. [E!]
• Billy Joel is helping to pay for the funeral of a fisherman whose body was found not far from his house in Long Island. Joel says: "I’ve always supported our local commercial fishermen. These are the people, both men and women, who have to go out in all types of conditions to bring us our fish." [NY Times]
• A letter written by a young Princess Diana in which she admitted trying to marry off her elder sister to her future husband Prince Charles has been sold at auction for £12,000. [Yahoo News]
• Bollywood is on strike! Movie shoots are canceled! [Yahoo News]
• "She told me that you can't have both a love life and a career in pictures at the same time, and it has proven to be true - she was right." — Patricia Arquette's memory of working with Bette Davis. [Page Six]
• "Paul Newman told me his hotel in Chicago was a room at the YMCA, which was not hard to imagine. He considered himself just another member of the acting company, who would call his wife during breaks and confess to feeling self-conscious on the first day of shooting. But he was Paul Newman, and could not mask the fact he was simply – yet elegantly – an extraordinary artist and man. How lucky we all have been." — Tom Hanks. [People]
• "Bad boys just keep following me around." — Pamela Anderson. [The Sun]

MOE: So I just had a thought. A strategist on Fox News used the word "fulcrum" and it completely tripped up the blonde, who was like, "I'm still fascinated by that word you used Rich, fulcrum." And then the other guy was like, "Yeah, fulcrum what the heck does that mean?" And the strategist laughed
MOE: And said, "It's physics, Bob, it has to do with the Law of Conservation of Angular Momentum."
MOE: Which is not a law I particularly remember but it gave me this theory: I think that smart people become Republicans to feel smarter than all their friends.
MEGAN: Whoa, he even quoted that? I think today is a Big Word day because David Axelrod just used the word "potentate" on MSNBC talking about leaders in the Middle East and OPEC.

MEGAN: Okay, and now Joe Scarborough just called Tim Daly the Grand Poobah of the Creative Coalition.
MOE: What does that even mean?

MEGAN: Not that it's a definitive source, but Wiki says

Grand Poobah is a term derived from the name of the haughty character Pooh-Bah in Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado. In this comic opera, Pooh-Bah holds numerous exalted offices, including Lord Chief Justice, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Master of the Buckhounds, Lord High Auditor, Groom of the Back Stairs, and Lord High Everything Else. The name has come to be used as a mocking title for someone self-important or high-ranking and who either exhibits an inflated self-regard, who acts in several capacities at once, or who has limited authority while taking impressive titles.

MOE: Hahaha so it's a more appropriate name for an MC than I knew when I began immediately associating it with this awesome party jam...
MEGAN: Dude, that guy on the TV sorta looks like Kid from Kid N Play...
MOE: Oh dude speaking of amazing segues, apparently Grand Puba holds Nation Of Islam beliefs. Which brings me to Michelle Obama, of whom we now know the same thing thanks to the Grand Puba of paranoid indiscriminate hateration. We should totally form a Hitchens-inspired hip-hop collective. I know some rappers who would dig it. We would get on Stuffwhitepeoplelike IMMEDIATELY.

MEGAN: Oh, Christ, Hitchens takes so fucking long to get to the point, which is him calling Barack, basically, pussy-whipped. Which, obviously, any man that doesn't indiscriminately cheat on his long-suffering wife the way Hitchens does obviously is.
MEGAN: Did I ever mention that I once watched Hitchens leave a party with a really pretty 18 year old? She might've been 20. She had some crazy hero-worship in her eyes, but I'll bet he sweatily fucked that out of her with his stale cigarette smell and tiny British ween.
MOE: Man I was checking TheRoot for some response to the Hitch and the lead story is on "Why The Summer Of '88 Was My Generation's Greatest." The late eighties were so rad in a lot of ways, I'm just remembering. The End of History and the like. But it was also, like, one of the bleakest eras for American cities, which I kind of think represent the future of American pluralism, which apparently Michelle Obama didn't believe in in 1985, which is why we are now wondering if she isn't a radical bitterfascist.

MOE: And that is a very good read on the situation. I was honestly disgusted he chose to go after her fucking college thesis which is basically about how alienated and inferior she felt on account of all the elitist assholes at Princeton.
MOE: And he writes:

To describe it as hard to read would be a mistake; the thesis cannot be "read" at all, in the strict sense of the verb. This is because it wasn't written in any known language.

MOE: Which is true of most academic papers.
MEGAN: Man, I sort of wish I could've written about that for my college thesis. I had to write about the role of ideology in determining women's status in the labor market in Germany before and after reunification.
MOE: But not even of hers.
MOE: I dropped out, yay. I don't think I wrote a decent paper ever in my life after my treatise on the collapse of the Weimar Republic in tenth grade. After that it was all an alcohol haze. I wrote some good stories for the Journal that were better researched than any of my papers, however.
MEGAN: I picked a graduate school based on where I didn't have to write another thesis, which is why I ended up chucking my completed SAIS application in the garbage rather than sending it.

MOE: : This was Christian's take on Hitchens which sort of nicely unpeels the layers of disingenuousness:

What he's really saying is, I, the Hitch, know that people must necessarily allow contradictions into their lives, especially politicians, who typically do so cynically, but I am cynical enough myself to pretend that I don't know that, and so I can write a column that honestly admits that Obama really has nothing in common with his Reverend (did I mention that I, the Hitch, hate all churchees—I know politicians are only pandering to them, but it's fun to pretend they're not) but that his wife is a menace.
7:14 PM asserts that his wife is a menace anyway.

MEGAN: Also, I am not going to click that again because it is more than I can handle imagining Hitch having his taint waxed AND NOW I HAVE IMAGINED IT AGAIN and I think I might hate you a little, give me a second to wash the taste of bile out of my mouth and then let's change the subject.
MEGAN: Here, let's talk about Clinton saying that OPEC can no long be allowed to exist so she's going to file a WTO complaint even though, like, she's not so keen on free trade policies or something and I'm pretty sure there's no way it would succeed.
MOE: Ah, yeah so there is a bill to amend the Sherman Act to make oil-producing and exporting cartels illegal.
MOE: God, remember the fucking Sherman Act?

MEGAN: Which means, what? That we won't buy oil from OPEC anymore? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MOE: Well, if the Heritage Foundation and major trade unions can agree on something...

Indeed, the only serious challenge to the organization came in 1978 when a U.S. non-profit labor association, the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers (IAM), sued OPEC under the Sherman Antitrust Act, in IAM v. OPEC. But the case was rejected in 1981 by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. OPEC, the court affirmed, could not be prosecuted under the Sherman Act due to the foreign sovereign immunity protection it claimed for its member states. That decision was wrong. Government-owned companies that engage in purely business activities do not warrant sovereign immunity protection according to prevailing legal doctrines

MOE: Apparently the effort was led by William "Wimpy" Wimpsinger. I like that he took that "wimp thing" and sort of owned it. Do you think Hitchens cynically wants the Clintons back because it makes his job easier?

I have the distinct feeling that the Obama campaign can't go on much longer without an answer to the question: "Are we getting two for one?" And don't be giving me any grief about asking this. Black Americans used to think that the Clinton twosome was their best friend, too. This time we should find out before it's too late to ask.

MEGAN: Wait, so white man Christopher Hitchens would like Black America to know that the Obamas will... what exactly? Betray them like the Clintons? I think this is why I only read stuff he writes about him waxing his back, sack and crack.
MOE: Oh man hip-hop reference segue time #2 of the morning. Let's give a shout-out to Khia. Dude, the Hitchens inspired DJ collective is a total gold idea. I know these dudes Plastic Little who could get into it. They're biracial like Obama. But I think we've gotta address the notion of Burma, and how this cyclone hit just as Hollywood celebs were getting in on the action.
MEGAN: So, am I right that the appropriately white guilty thing to do is not talk about the oppressive government for a bit?
MOE: Here's the latest "That's So Jane's!" on the matter, God I love this graphic...Apparently you likened Burma to Katie Holmes.
MEGAN: Oppression shows its face in all kinds of dark ways.
MOE:

It's an Orwellian nightmare that makes China look like a liberal paradise by comparison. For twenty years there has been nothing on this scale and when protests have been staged they have been in the order of hundreds and have been easily dealt with. The monks posed a huge dilemma for the military since they initially felt that they could not simply resort to smashing skulls and opening fire indiscriminately. Buddhists believe that what you do in this life will determine how you come back next time. So massacring a few monks is more likely to see you come back as a cockroach than achieving nirvana.

MEGAN: Well, but they'll be born in China or India more often than not, so it's like they get reborn into a less oppressive regime?
MOE: Okay here's another thing. The last sentence of that Times story.

If you talk to Vaclav Havel, he'll say that Lou Reed's support for human rights in Czechoslovakia was very important to the cause."

MEGAN: Um, I guess the cool factor is really important?

MEGAN: But neither Ellen Page or Jim Carrey is Lou Reed.
MOE: Okay so there's a primary tonight and I'm sick of primary nights but I suppose we ought to address it. Hillary Clinton will win in Indiana because she's "not going to put my lot in with economists." Obama will win North Carolina because Petey Pablo is from there. Oh man, hip-hop foray part III. Do you remember when Petey Pablo did that remix of "North Carolina" on the USA after 9/11? I'm sure you won't, but some commenter might. I think he also went to Afghanistan. Okay. Any predictions?
MOE: Terry McAuliffe is on Fox right now. His prediction is that "people will be saying she did better in both states than they thought she would." Jesus Christ.
MEGAN: I predict me and a lovely bottle of Petite Sirah will be blogging it tonight for Glamocracy. And that I hate being wrong so I don't make predictions but it does seem like the polls are saying that Hillary will take Indiana and Obama will take NC.
MEGAN: Whoa, talk about managing expectations there, Terry Boy. I didn't think the polls in Indiana were that close, plus she's been standing in pickup trucks! Pickup trucks are like electoral gold in Indiana.
MOE: I'm going to leave us with a passage from David Brooks, because I found it calming, sort of like certain candidates.

This wasn't just shameless spin, it was shamelessness with a purpose. Clinton signaled that she wasn't going to concede even an inch to the vast elitist conspiracy. She wasn't going to feel guilty about ignoring the evidence. She was going to stomp on it, flay it and leave it a twisted mass of jelly quivering on the ground. She was going to perform the primordial duty of an alpha dog leader — helping one's own....But, as Sunday's contrast made clear, Obama still seems like a human being. He still seems to return each night to some zone of normalcy where personal reflection lives.He wasn't fully candid when answering questions about the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, but there are some inner guardrails that prevent the spin from drifting too far from the truth. Thoughtful and conversational, he doesn't seem to possess the trait that Clinton has: automatically assuming that critics are always wrong. Obama still possesses his talent for homeostasis, the ability to return to emotional balance and calm, even amid hysteria.

• Nicole Kidman was at the U.N. yesterday to urge governments to end violence against women around the globe. Such a worthy cause! (But is her face capable of emoting?) [E!]
  
• By the by, Nicole is looking waaay more pregnant. [Sydney Morning Herald]
  
• It's official: Beyoncé and Jay-Z filed their signed marriage license in Scarsdale, NY. The wedding date? April 4, duh. [People]
  
• "Amy Winehouse visits two pubs in London, tries to buy a kebab and is pissed because the shop is closed, smokes in a non-smoking store, steals a newspaper, arrives to her house at 4:00 AM, befriends 16 year-old girl, locks herself out and breaks in via the garage." [ONTD]
  
• Amy was smoking a "spliff" in a pub before all that started. Is a spliff in the UK the same thing it is in the US? [The Sun]
  
• Penguin publishing has offered Amy and Blake Incarcerated £1 million for a book about their stormy marriage. Raise your hand if you would read that. [The Sun]

• Hugh Jackman has given Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson his blessing. Not that they asked. But he is friends with X-Men costar Ryan. [People]
• Dita von Teese is the face — ambassador — of Cointreau. "I knew with [my] martini-glass act, I could eventually collaborate with a spirit brand but the opportunities that had come before just didn't seem like the right fit," she says. "And [Cointreau] is so historic and sophisticated and French." [W]
• Kathy Najimy? Seen dancing on a table at Butter? Kind of awesome. [Page Six]
• Dancing With The Stars' Cheryl Burke and Gerard Butler are not dating, but they are neighbors. "He actually lives in my apartment building, and we've been friends for a few months," she claims. Hmm, is that a regular denial or a protest-too-much denial? It's so hard to tell. [People]
• Singer John Legend might be dating ET host Maria Menounos. She annoys me. [Page Six]
• Is Barbra Streisand avoiding the 60th anniversary celebration in Israel (where she was scheduled to appear) because President Bush is going to be there? [Page Six]
• "We were shooting in Harlem, a scene where I smash the windshield of the car belonging to Tina's ex-boyfriend, who just dissed her in the club. It was 2 a.m., and everyone got their lawn chairs out and were cheering me on. They were screaming, 'You can do it! C'mon, Amy, smash that windshield!' " — Amy Poehler on filming Baby Mama. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which A-list actor with a long-suffering wife is not only a serial philanderer (we knew that) but a major cokehead (that's news!)? He makes bathroom trips every five minutes at his favorite L.A. club and likes to have a young woman seated on his lap." [Gatecrasher]
• Richie Sambora plea bargained his DUI case. The charge was dismissed and the prosecutors did not file child endangerment charges, even though Sambora's 10-year-old daughter was in the car when he was stopped. Sambora will pay a fine and be on three years probation. [TMZ]
• Yankee Alex Rodriguez and his wife welcomed a second child Monday night in Miami. [People]
• Hot hottie Gary Dourdan of CSI and CSI: Miami's Khandi Alexander will both be leaving their shows. [Concrete Loop]
• Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe told an interviewer he was smitten with a woman he met at a party, though he didn't manage to get her name or number. Two Australian women have come forward, claiming to be the beautiful stranger in question. But! Radcliffe's rep says there was no girl, it was a joke. The rep should keep his mouth shut and let Dan go on a date. [Reuters]
• Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have broken up, not that you care. [Mirror]
• The bad buzz around Tom Cruise's Nazi movie, Valkyrie, continues. And, uh, the trailer — with its mix of British and American accents — and Tom, smiling with an eye patch on — is... Yeah. [NY Times]
• Eighty-two year old actress Patricia Neal, who starred in films like A Face in the Crowd, Hud and The Day the Earth Stood Still, will receive Lifetime Achievement Award from the Nashville Film Festival. [USA Today]
• Kelly Clarkson likes to walk around her house naked, even if her home is "filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings." Since my clothes have been gone... I can breathe for the first time... [MSNBC]
• Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson: Secretly wed! [Page Six]

The Good:
Ed Burns and Christy Turlington aren't so rock 'n' roll, but gosh and golly they look lovely.
Jerry Butler: One class act.
Dear Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan: You make me heart happy.
Does Chevy Chase's wristband mean he's old enough to drink?
I know I should hate Damien Rice's poseur maroon suit. But I sorta love it.
Leonard Cohen: He's your man.
Ben Harper can steal my kisses!
Nom nom Tom Hanks in glasses.
John Mellencamp: Way to rebel and ditch the tie.
Seth Meyers stays classy.
While Richard Belzer busts a move.
Princess of Firyal of Jordan looks like a Tory Burch ad.

The Bad:
Has Miss Patti been vacationing at Del Boca Vista?
God bless Iggy Pop for still rocking the shirtless chest and leather pants. That doesn't mean I have to like the look of it, though.
Joan Jett: See above.

The Ugly:
Even a love affair with Laurie Anderson doesn't compensate for Lou Reed's douchey attitude and leather suit.
Madonna, Madonna, Madonna: What the fuck are you wearing? The sorta see-through dress, the bow tie, the boots. Ugh.

[Images via FilmMagic.]