livesofwives - Jezebel

posts about #livesofwives more →
What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"

Your version of Internet Explorer is not supported. Please upgrade to the most recent version in order to view comments.

Dsmvwl Admin Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×

clevernamehere
11/02/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
Looking at both pieces, what really strikes me is that the good husband piece is all about getting away with doing as little as possible.

Do chores, but make sure you get all the best ones!

Avoid nagging, pretend you like your wife!

Most of the comments are bitching about how underapprecaited men are. Here's one of my favorites:
"How about you do the shopping, take the kids to the park, dig the garden, paint the walls and I may think about giving you two minutes after Match of the Day :)"

Society has such low expectations of men, yet women can always improve. #marriage
Reply

clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred

hollygirl
11/02/09

@clevernamehere: I love how much credit men get for "babysitting" their own kids!! #marriage
Reply

hollygirl was starred hollygirl was unstarred

joslyn.da001
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
"If you don't, you will be nagged. And nagging, as we all know, is the marital equivalent of waterboarding." This is the advice to men? The wives are told to put husbands first and men get advice on how to keep the wife off their back? Here's an idea on how to be a good husband-- never use the word "nag" or any of it's derivatives no matter who you're talking about. It shows you don't respect your wife or women in general. In fact, I would argue thats one of the keys to a good partnership, a little damn mutual respect.
Reply

clevernamehere promoted this comment joslyn.da001 was starred joslyn.da001 was unstarred

andromedeia
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
Okay, conversation with their wives is "excruciating" for men? WHAT? Shouldn't you marry someone who you are excited to talk to every day? #marriage
Reply

clevernamehere promoted this comment andromedeia was starred andromedeia was unstarred

rixatrix
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
This is so true - and I find I get myself into the most trouble when I notice too much the "differences" between women and men. Like when I expect my boyfriend is going to act like a "typical dude" if I ask him to do something for me, instead of giving him the credit he deserves for who he is as an individual. Any sentence that starts with "Men are so..." is usually at least half false. #marriage
Reply

boxspelunker promoted this comment rixatrix was starred rixatrix was unstarred

GeekSpice
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
Darn, with "Good Wife" in the title, I was hoping for something from Salem, MA.... #marriage
Reply

curiousgeorgiana promoted this comment GeekSpice was starred GeekSpice was unstarred

funnyface
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
My marriage advice can be summed up as follows: marry someone you actually like, and don't be a jerk. The end. You would think that following the two precepts above would mean that people wouldn't constantly have to be told how to treat their spouse like an actual human being whom they actually like and want to be around. #marriage
Reply

funnyface was starred funnyface was unstarred

whynotshesaid
11/01/09

@funnyface: It's so simple, yet seems to confound so many! #marriage
Reply

whynotshesaid was starred whynotshesaid was unstarred

hollygirl
11/02/09

@funnyface: But people and life situations change, sometime radiclly! the guy you "liked" in college, when life was simple and fun, can be alot less fun when you're dealing with children, aging parents, disease, finances... its not THAT simple. #marriage
Reply

hollygirl was starred hollygirl was unstarred

clevernamehere
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
I do think some women put their kids way above their spouse, but the reason for that is often that the husband doesn't have the kids on his radar at all. Some guys will complain how "whipped" their friend with kids is because he can't hang out after work, ignoring the fact that if he just disappears his wife is chained to the house.

It isn't just women who need to put their marriage first. The cult of masculinity is as big a problem as the cult of motherhood. #marriage
Reply

clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred

BlueJeans
11/01/09

@clevernamehere: That's a fantastic point. I don't think it's fair to criticize women who seem to place most of their familial attention on kids without simultaneously criticizing the larger problem, which is that men still aren't expected to share child-rearing responsibilities equally. #marriage
Reply

clevernamehere promoted this comment BlueJeans was starred BlueJeans was unstarred

FrannyR
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
A group of women at my work, ages 35-45, love nothing more than making fun of their husbands. It's like a competition about whose husband is the most helpless/hopeless with household chores, social functions, parenting etc. I don't understand why they do that, or married these men in the first place, and find their behaviour absolutely disgusting. Bad wives. #marriage
Reply

LaComtesse promoted this comment FrannyR was starred FrannyR was unstarred

LaComtesse
11/01/09

@FrannyR: I understand light complaints, but when I hear it all the time from my co-worker who then mutters "Boys!" as though it's a universal problem I think "No. That's not something all guys do... also, not every woman is as irritated by her husband as you seem to be." #marriage
Reply

LaComtesse was starred LaComtesse was unstarred

HarpMadness
11/01/09

@FrannyR: I mostly work with men and what they say about their wives --when I'm present and I assume they're on better behavior -- is far beyond any of that. So, I think that advice could go both ways. #marriage
Reply

HarpMadness was starred HarpMadness was unstarred

clevernamehere
11/01/09

@FrannyR: That would drive me nuts, but for some people it is just a joking way to blow of steam. And as HarpMadness points out, I think it is a much bigger problem with men. #marriage
Reply

clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred

FrannyR
11/01/09

@HarpMadness: Either way, it bothers me. I'm not married, or even in a relationship atm, but what about respect and loyalty? I think they are bonding over these stories, that make their husbands seem pathetic, inept and almost retarded. I suspect some stories are grossly exagerrated or even made up, just to be in the clique. I just imagine what it's like on the other end, if someone talked like that about me. It would be the dealbreaker to end all dealbreakers, but for them, it's nothing. I asked them, and they assume their husbands talk about them too. It bothers me because when I wonder why I'm single, I wonder if I'm supposed to accept things like this, because I just can't. I would feel betrayed and used. #marriage
Reply

FrannyR was starred FrannyR was unstarred

Maritsa
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
Even women who would never call themselves feminists have bought into the idea that men are bottom of the list after their personal fulfilment, fitness routine and, of course, the kids.

Riiiight, because feminists are OBVIOUSLY so much more selfish than non-feminist women! #marriage
Reply

Maritsa was starred Maritsa was unstarred

hollygirl
11/02/09

@Maritsa: Yeah- what about feminism is about putting men down?? Seriously! This alone shows so much about the author's attitude... #marriage
Reply

hollygirl was starred hollygirl was unstarred

Khuluna
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
To be a good wife:

Love him
Laugh with him
Have awesome sex
Enjoy the closeness even if it's mediocre
Be loyal
Stay smart
Put the seat up when you leave sometimes
Love his flaws
Rejoice in his touch
Love his voice
Know how to make sure things get done
Be gross sometimes
Don't lie unless it's white
Tell him white lies occasionally
Keep the flaws he loves
Lose habits you hate

and remember that you do all of these things because you loved him enough to marry him in the first place. #marriage
Reply

Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini promoted this comment Khuluna was starred Khuluna was unstarred

Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
11/01/09

@Khuluna: wow, there is so much wrong with this, especially the lying and the suggestion that if you're not having good sex or enjoying being touched, you're a bad wife. Gross. #marriage
Reply

clochette
11/01/09

@Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini: I totally didn't interpret this in that sense, though I agree that nobody should feel like a 'bad' person (wife or otherwise) if they don't have amazing sex or enjoy physical intimacy.

I read that 'how to be a good wife' not as a list of orders, but more as a list of things that make a relationship both fun and rewarding for both partners. After all, marriage is (for most people) a combination of sexual/romantic live with companionship and support, so the idea that you should aim to enjoy your sex life together seems a nice, positive thought to me!

As for the white lies, well, I'd like to say I've never lied and found it helpful, but sometimes I have; I guess that's more a matter of general personal morality than marriage mores. #marriage
Reply

curiousgeorgiana promoted this comment clochette was starred clochette was unstarred

raphaela
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
How about a good "partner" charter, that speaks to aspects of relationship that transcend gender roles? Wouldn't that make more sense? It's like being a good friend. How about we just practice being good FRIENDS to our spouses and partners? #marriage
Reply

tinydundie42 promoted this comment raphaela was starred raphaela was unstarred

snugbug
11/01/09

@raphaela: Yeah, really. A pox on Shane Watson's house for bamboozling her readership with worthless semantic hair-splitting that reinforces the "women vs. men" trope that has sold a myriad "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" tomes.

We're all human beings at the end of the day, regardless of gender. We operate on the same basic principles:

Compassion trumps selfishness. Communicating trumps non-communicating.
We all crave love, need to self-actualize to feel whole, are afraid of disease and death.

F*ck this gender-based bullsh*t faux-philosophy.
Reply

Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini promoted this comment Edited by snugbug at 11/01/09 3:03 PM snugbug was starred snugbug was unstarred

Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
11/01/09

@snugbug: PREACH IT! #marriage
Reply

Grim Reaper of the Forest
11/02/09

@raphaela: Exactly. To me, being a good wife means being a good roommate, plus being a good friend, with an extra dose of emotional support in there. #marriage
Reply

sarasasa
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
Talking is important. Talking and listening. I know it can be excruciating, but wives need conversation. They cannot exist on grunts alone.

Am I the only one that reads this more as caring for a pet than for a loved one? Or maybe even a houseplant, you know they say you should talk to them no matter how stupid it may look. #marriage
Reply

whats_in_a_name promoted this comment sarasasa was starred sarasasa was unstarred

whats_in_a_name
11/01/09

@sarasasa: I have a feeling that to the writer of that a wife and a pet are one and the same. #marriage
Reply

whats_in_a_name was starred whats_in_a_name was unstarred

curiousgeorgiana
11/01/09

@sarasasa: Seriously. It reads one step removed from "Don't forget to re-fill its water and give it a pat on the head occasionally. Remember to use a pleasant tone of voice." #marriage
Reply

curiousgeorgiana was starred curiousgeorgiana was unstarred

redqueenmeg
11/01/09

@sarasasa: My husband is and always has been way more chatty than I am. I had to get a DVR in self-defense after having to spend an entire Oscar night with the closed-captioning on because he did not shut up the whole time. I think he would make that author's head explode. :) #marriage
Reply

redqueenmeg was starred redqueenmeg was unstarred

boxspelunker
11/01/09

@redqueenmeg: My roommate (male) was the same way. He talked and talked and talked. Kid will talk your ear off, if you let him. He likes to watch a TV show, come find you, then tell you what happened and analyze it. There are times it is excruciatingly boring.

But you know what? Part of being friends is putting up with each other when you're a bit boring, so it's all right. I did have to tell him I couldn't do it as often as he'd like, because it was pretty uninteresting to me. But I am certainly not all that riveting, either. #marriage
Reply

boxspelunker was starred boxspelunker was unstarred

redqueenmeg
11/01/09

@boxspelunker: Heh, awesome. :)

That actually reminds me of being almost the total reverse of my dad's behavior. When I was little and we would watch Get Smart on Nick at Nite, he would fall asleep, no joke, during the opening credits, wake up during the closing credits, and demand that I explain the entire episode to him. #marriage
Reply

redqueenmeg was starred redqueenmeg was unstarred

boxspelunker
11/02/09

@redqueenmeg: Oh man! That had to get a little frustrating sometimes :D

Further proof that not all men are the same! THIS IS INSANITY #marriage
Reply

boxspelunker was starred boxspelunker was unstarred

RiloKilo
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
"A "good wife" or a "good husband" is really no match for a "good partnership."" So true, and such a good mantra to keep. #marriage
Reply

Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini promoted this comment RiloKilo was starred RiloKilo was unstarred

conculcate001
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
When I saw the headline, I immediately wondered, "Now who's gonna write the 'good husband' rulebook?" Then towards the end of the article I saw where someone already did, and I immediately resumed wondering the exact same thing. Because that one was also pretty half-assed.

And as a happily married man who spent 7 years in the relationship before making it "legal", I think it bears pointing out that a "good wife" is nearly indistinguishable from a "good girlfriend". Same goes for the husband/boyfriend. Getting married isn't what obligates a person to make an effort in a relationship--if you don't want to be "good" to another person, then don't saddle that person with a relationship with your selfish self in the first place, let alone getting married.
Reply

Maritsa promoted this comment conculcate001 was starred conculcate001 was unstarred

LaComtesse
11/01/09

@conculcate001: Amen, kid. #marriage
Reply

LaComtesse was starred LaComtesse was unstarred

Beets.Go.On is the Fat Yogini
11/01/09

@conculcate001: what? a man not falling into the stereotyped horny buffoon role? I don't know what to do with you!

All kidding aside, you're awesome and your partner is a lucky person. #marriage
Reply

LaComtesse
11/01/09

In reply to What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"
"I'm not sure it's entirely helpful to continue to strive to be a "good wife," as much as it would be helpful for both partners to try to bring as much as they can to the relationship."

But it's an article directed at women married to men. It's speaking to just one of the partners. This in and of itself makes the language fine by me, but add to that the fact that there's a "how to be a good husband" article linked to it? I think this is just fine.

Telling someone to be a good wife or a good husband speaks directly to the party, and it's the same as "be a good partner." #marriage
Reply

LaComtesse was starred LaComtesse was unstarred

labeled
11/01/09

@LaComtesse: Exactly. #marriage
Reply

labeled was starred labeled was unstarred

Earlier discussions Other discussions Show all discussions Show featured discussions only Start a new discussion

#livesofwives

Jezebel

SUBSCRIBE TO Jezebel

What Does It Mean To Be A "Good Wife?"

Login

Reset Password

Register

Submit Your Comment