In our line of work, we do a lot of image-searches, for all kinds of things. Now, there are certain keywords - "girl," "kitten," "doll," anything having to do with camping - that you know are gonna result in a blitz of NSFW, and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. (Note: avoid "pregnant teenager" and "menstruation" if at all possible.) And then there are the things that take you by surprise. Like, when I searched "crying bride" - looking for an image to illustrate a post on depressing wedding coverage - and ended up learning that "the weeping bride" is apparently a popular position in a certain subset of GoG. The more you know! Coworkers report horrifying results from the seemingly innocuous "ponytails" and "homework" and, says Megan, "'woman wearing jeans' and 'adopted Chinese girls' are particularly seared into my brain."

With this is mind, we couldn't help but wonder: is there any phrase innocent enough to confound the porn elves of Google Images? ("Innocent" naturally brings up a lot of seductions and deflowerings.) After much trial and error - "rainbows" obviously equals a bare-assed chick in a pair of striped knee socks; you're safe for the first page of "mustard," and "meninkilts.com" disqualified the seeming front-runner "tartan" - we compiled the following definitive SFW list:

"floral china patterns"

"Puppies"

"birch bark canoe"

"Graham Crackers"

"Queen Victoria"

"yarn"

"gladiolas"

"wide-ruled notebook"

"Unicorn"

"Demijohn barrel"

Happy hunting!

• Dog poop and/or chewing gum on city streets
• Socks with sandals
• That singing Filet-O-Fish commercial
• Hail Caesar starring Anthony Michael Hall
• Your friend who yells "SPOILER ALERT!" and gets pissed when you discuss a show that aired three years ago because she hasn't seen it yet
• The Broodwich
• Watching Back to the Future Part II without watching the first movie
• Acid washed jeans
• Accidentally ending up at a "We Love Elisabeth Hasselbeck" rally
• Unfrosted Pop-Tarts
• A date with anyone who has appeared on a VH1 Reality Show
• The No-Pants Plague
• Not Googling it before asking "Who Is This Person And Why Should I Care?
• Googling things to determine whether or not you should care about them
• Not smiling with your eyes in Tyra's presence
• Getting on Judge Judy's bad side
• Benjamin Linus
• Napping
• Jumpsuits
• Pissing Carrie off at the prom
• Confessions Of A Shopaholic
• Forgetting that it's not a democracy, it's a cheerocracy
• Giving someone your heart and having them give you a pen
• Maneaters
• Death Eaters
• Michael and Dina Lohan
• Going up against a Sicilian when death is on the line
• The bewitching power of Lisa Frank
• The Trunchbull
• Smiling at crocodiles
• Ouiser Boudreaux
• People named Brutus or Brut cologne
• Unemployment
• Criss Angel
• Taking a ride on the Rock of Love Bus
• Celine Dion's cover of "You Shook Me All Night Long"
• Friendahol
• Purple Monkey Dishwashers
• Pat Fucking Benatar
• Evil Twins
• Falling for The Leader of the Pack
• Bratz
• Strutz
• Kellie Martin in 95% of her Lifetime movie roles
• dsmvwllng
• Listicles

It's your turn, dear commenters. Warn away!

The extended list is woefully devoid of women, too. While George W. Bush shockingly rang in at number 5, beating out Abraham Lincoln – ranked 6 - and God (11), Hilary Clinton appeared down at number 12, and Condoleeza Rice at 19. On a list of 23, only five were women (the other two: 20. Oprah Winfrey and 21. Sarah Palin). In previous years, Princess Diana made the cut, as did Eleanor Roosevelt and Venus Williams. When asked: "who do you admire enough to call a hero?" a cross-section of Americans unfortunately thought of mostly men. And although many of these men are worthy of our admiration, we have to wonder, where are all the heroines?

We've addressed the shortage of women on quite a few lists before, from writers everyone should read, to Rolling Stone's 100 greatest singers. We've even celebrated our recently deceased heroines. Unfortunately, in this case there is not one author we can blame. It seems that Americans in general are too hard on women, and would rather idolize the worst president in history than activist Del Martin (yes, I know she is not as well known as Bush, but she is certainly more deserving) or Michelle Obama.

However, some of our most memorable role models come from books, where there is no dearth of heroines. Perhaps it is because they so rarely disappoint us – barring the time that Jo turned down Laurie – and after the first read, they lose all ability to shock us. It is also easier to idolize a fictional character, and for some of us, more natural. Mental Floss has compiled a short list of 8 literary heroines, and although they include some really amazing characters, we know there are a lot more out there. Their list includes: Hester Prynne, Scout Finch, Jo March, Elizabeth Bennet, Karana (from Island of the Blue Dolphins), Jane Eyre, Helen Graham, and Anne Shirley (from Anne of Green Gables). We would like to add: Julie (from Jean Craighead George's novel Julie of the Wolves), Clara and Alba Trueba, Hermione Granger, Denver, Margarita, Emma Woodhouse, Constance Chatterley, and Caddy Compson.

So, who did we miss, real or fictional?

Obama Tops List of Americans' Heroes [AOL News]
Obama tops Jesus in new poll [Christian Science Monitor]
8 Literary Heroines: Sisters Doin' It For Themselves [MentalFloss]

Grossen lists some Hall-of-Famers: Darcy, Rochester, Zhivago, Rhett, and, inexplicably, Rebecca's Maxim de Winter. More idiosyncratically, she calls out the heroes of The French Lieutenant's Woman and Bel Canto.

To this, we'd add The Chosen's Reuven Malter (what? I was a nerd); Laurie before he grows up; Captain Wentworth; Fuck Head; Florentino Ariza; the Invisible Man; the Elephant Man; Huck Finn (is that pedophilia?); Natty Bumppo; Newland Archer (hey, Day-Lewis has good taste!); Dickon, and, last but not least, Ishmael.

But we're just getting started!
Fictional Men Worth Loving [Wall Street Journal]

They should call it The Not. Okay, that was stoopid, but your brain would break too, if you saw this list:

1. He's growing out of his bachelor ways.
"If he's constantly using terms like 'we' and 'our,' and plans for a weekend with the guys in Vegas are suddenly on the back burner while weekend picnics with you are becoming more common… [he's] squarely on the path to proposing." Or! He is an Adult; i.e., no longer in college or acting like a fratty fratty frat boy. Congrats!

2. He's Redecorating
Gay.

3. He's Curbing Big Purchases
Adult.

4. He's Not Complaining About Weddings
Gay.

5. He's Taken an Interest in Your Jewelry
Gay.

6. He Wants to Meet the Parents
Plenty of perfectly good boyfriends have met parents and not proposed. Since when has any guy "become the first to RSVP for your nephew's birthday party"? As if that's the one thing keeping him from saying, "I think we should get hitched." This one is neither for the Adults or the Gays, this one is toro caca.

7. He's Acting out of Character
Gay.

Seven Signs He's About to Propose [MSN via The Knot]

Predictably, Aretha Franklin topped the list, but she and Tina Turner are the only two women in the top 20. Below the top 20, the women are pretty evened out, however most of them seem to be rounding out the bottom fifty.

1. Aretha Franklin
17. Tina Turner
22. Etta James
28. Janis Joplin
29. Nina Simone
34. Whitney Houston
35. Dusty Springfield
42. Joni Mitchell
46. Patsy Cline
50. Bonnie Raitt
51. Gladys Knight
56. Mavis Staples
58. Christina Aguilera
60. Bjork
69. Ronnie Spector
73. Dolly Parton
79. Mariah Carey
83. Patti Smith
84. Darlene Love
93. Annie Lennox
94. Karen Carpenter
95. Patti LaBelle
98. Stevie Nicks
100. Mary J. Blige

Total: 24

Any other women you would have liked to have seen on the list? Any women you think shouldn't have been listed? Rant it out in the comments.

100 Greatest Singers Of All Time [Rolling Stone]