"Lipstick entrepreneurs," the FT tells us, are on the rise. A new report - by, it should be said, by the "Future Laboratory for Avon" which arguably has an interest in fostering female entrepreneurs, as well as and the Federation of Small Businesses - predicts that the number of female enterprises" could double over the next 10 years, taking the number of self-employed women running businesses - from single-person ventures to more substantial ones - to more than 2m." I know, that doesn't sound like many - although it's a substantial gain since 2000.

So what at first sounds plainly derogatory, or maybe lesbian-specific, is in fact literal: a "lipstick entrepreneur" sells makeup, or similar. The rise in this kind of self-employment is an obvious result of the economy, since many families are in need of more income. And, the FT argues, due as well to an increasing number of female role models in the marketplace. To this we'd add the E-word: Etsy. While some might disagree, it's made part-time and flexible creative income seem compatible with a busy lifestyle and an enriching addition to other jobs. Or maybe it's just this female exec's rationale: women are "good at nurturing talent within our organisations, and perhaps we are not as threatened by talent as men can be. We are really good salespeople and we can be good at communicating."

Recession Spurs Rise Of 'Lipstick Entrepreneurs' [Financial Times]

Last things are the objects that we loathe to let go, that remain long after it became apparent that serious scaling back was necessary. They are the luxuries that somehow feel essential. These are the objects that announce our place in the world, that are intricately tied into our sense of personal worth. During the Great Depression, a common last thing was lipstick. Jeremy E. Adamson, director for collections and services at the Library of Congress, says lipstick was terribly important to many women because was their way of telling the rest of the world "I care about myself." "The last thing to go is the mask that you present to the outer world. When the mask goes, you're just another bit of ectoplasm in a sea of unhappiness," Adamson says.

In the economic crash of the 1800s, one of the last things to go was the family piano. For many wealthy families, the piano was the ultimate symbol of their culture and wealth - it was what separated and defined the upper class. For many, the last things are as small and seemingly insignificant as lipstick:

Even those with very little had possessions of great meaning. Pocketbooks are what Deborah Willis remembers of the post-World War II world. Especially the ones of her mother's generation, the women now in their 80s. "The pocketbook held all of the secret charms: the beauty products, the money, the memory, the keepsakes, the letters. It was both the content and the pocketbook that had respect and high regard. No one could go in it. It was their secrets and their hidden stash."

As a MacArthur fellow and curator of African American photography and culture, Willis knows well the importance of holding onto these little things:

"They're fancy. The older ones from the '40s, they're a clutch with a little arm strap — about 5 inches by 8 by 9. They're small. Intimate. These hold the moments they desire, and feel desired. It is part of that memory. It created their persona, their sense of importance. It possessed all the aspects that created the mask."

Garreau notes that most Americans have yet to reach the last-thing phase of the recession. Most people are still finding out what goes first, a much easier process to handle. After reading dozens of silly recession trend pieces that advise shopping in your closet and giving up lattes, there is something refreshingly honest about this look into our final things. Garreau suggests that for some the last thing will be the computer, for others, the blackberry. For Marty Calhoun, the last thing is his dog. Calhoun recently put all of his possessions up for sale on Craigslist, with one exception: "However I will not sell my Miniature Pincher (Jack) he is dear to me." Sadie has already posted on some of the Jezebel's "necessary luxuries", a phrase that is somewhat similar to the idea of a last thing. Her question, like Garreau's, remains: when serious cost-cutting is necessary, what will be the final thing we can't just give up?

When It's All Going Down The Tube, What Stuff Sticks Around In The End? [Washington Post]

Related: Simple Pleasures: What's Your "Necessary Luxury?"

[Image via Life Archives]

I mean, I know we can be sort of mean. First there was mean old "Charleee", asking you about the Bush Doctrine as though you were supposed to know that it was the single largest repudiation of post-nuclear American foreign policy and basically said we'd nuke whomever we felt like, fuck-you-very-much. And then that meanie CBS reporter snuck in a question about the major economic bailout the government had just undertaken and you felt like you had to answer it even though you hadn't yet been told what talking points to parrot yet, it was so off-putting. But, then Sean Hannity rolled over and let you scratch his belly and a little behind his ears, so I thought we were cool now.

Well, and, yes, I know that Keith Olbermann is being a total dick to you, what with donating $100 to charity of every lie that you tell, like it's your fault or something that the campaign staff won't revise the speeches you're giving to take the lies out, but he's not on the road following your campaign. And I'm sure Andrew Sullivan's list of the 12 different lies you've told had to sting, but he's just a blogger and that's not like a real reporter or producer who's going to be standing in a room with you and the President of Afghanistan for less than a minute.

So, it's good that you relented and let that CNN producer witness you talking with Karzai about his son for a whole 40 seconds earlier today. That'll totally show people you're not scared of the press and that you know how to have substantive discussions of U.S. foreign policy with important world leaders, Bush Doctrine questions be damned! I mean, it was really important that the photographer and the TV crew get footage of you talking and having serious conversations with him and Colombian President Uribe even if the entire press corps were utter dicks about insisting that their coverage of you be more than pictures of you looking Vice Presidential! And it was really well done that you got Karzai's handlers to pretend to be the ones objecting to anyone doing anything other than taking pictures — that was a master-stroke, as was your staff's insistence that it was all just one big misunderstanding when they explicitly said that no one that writes anything for a living would be allowed in the room. The press will totally buy that!

Anyway, so, like, buck up, girl! We're really not that bad! You can totally talk to reporters. You hunt moose! You shoot at wolves from airplanes! What's the worst you can do, really? I mean, John McCain's already out threatening Spain and trying to fire people he can't fire and shit. What are you going to do, start a war with Russia? Oh, yeah, right. Well, just stick to talking about your family and how you didn't really want the Bridge to Nowhere and how mean everyone is to you. That's cool. I'm sure you can work that into the answer to just about any question you're asked when you finally let someone ask you a question.

Yours,
Megan

Palin Press Relationship Gets Testy [Politico]
Palin Says She's Ready To Step In As President [Breitbart]
The Palin Protection Continues [Politico]
Sarah Palin On Bush Doctrine: Homina, Homina, Homina [TPM Election Central]
Palin “Disappointed” In “Understandable” AIG Bailout [CBS News]
Excerpts from Palin’s Hannity Interview — Part I [Time]
Olbermann Gives $100 To Charity For Every Palin Lie, $3700 This Week Alone [Huffington Post]
The Twelve Lies Of Sarah Palin [Andrew Sullivan]
Palin Bars, Then Admits Reporters To Meetings [MSNBC]
Palin In The City [NY Times]
McCain Will Not Commit To Meeting Spanish PM [AFP]
McCain Says He Would Fire SEC Chairman [AP]
Palin Hawkish on Russia [Politico]
Did Palin Really Fight The “Bridge To Nowhere”? [The New Republic]
Palin Accuses 'Obama/Biden Democrats' Of Attacking Her Family, But Campaign Can't Name One [Huffington Post]

(Full answers are given below.)

I surveyed the lipstick shape options and I quickly determined that I belonged to a ninth category: broken or lost. I've never really managed to keep a lipstick around long enough to determine its natural erosion processes and I tend to wear more stains and glosses, anyway. I had a vague memory of one I had in high school, though, for like three years (which, yes, is disgusting, but it seemed really expensive at the time and it was my "special occasion" lipstick, even though in retrospect the color was really unflattering and I got a bunch of sand or something in it.) It seemed to me that had been kind of rounded - although, again, it melted a few times, so it's hard to say.

Score! "Rounded" meant I was an easy-going, steady, even-tempered peacemaker, pleasant to be around, generous and likeable! Accurate? Not so much. I hope I'm reasonably pleasant, but I'm notoriously hot-tempered and wildly excitable. The shape was obviously due to the melting. At least I'd avoided "sharply angled on both sides" whose characteristics include "looks for the easy way" and "has a big ego."

According to the guidelines of the exercise (which I guess is for community-building and self-discovery?), I was now supposed to get into a group with everybody else who had a round tip and do some workshopping, discussing how people with our personality traits contributed to groups and stuff. I didn't really see how I, sitting alone in my apartment, working off a vaguely-remembered half-melted Prescriptives in "Berry" could really benefit from this, so I decided to shelve that for the next time I've got the whole secretarial pool at my disposal. But do feel free to learn about yourself.

Similar to the original shape
• Great follower
• Abides by the rules
• Does not like too much
attention
• A little self-conscious
• Somewhat reserved
• Likes a schedule
• May occasionally color
hair for fun.

Flat top
• Has high morals
• To the point
• Needs approval
• Careful about
appearance
• Very dependable
• Conservative
• Quick minded

Sharp-angled tip
• Very opinionated
• High-spirited
• Dislikes schedules
• Selective of friends
• Outgoing
• Likes attention
• Can be Argumentative

Flat top concave
• Makes friends easily
• Inquisitive
• Makes a good detective
• Adventurous
• Likes to probe
• Complex
• Exciting

Rounded, smooth tip
• Easy-going
• The peacemaker
• Even-tempered
• Very steady
• Likeable
• Generous
• Pleasant to be around

Sharp angles on both sides
• Seeks attention
• Spiritual
• Curious
• Mysterious
• Has a big ego
• Loves life
• Looks for the easy way
• Faithful

Rounded tip to a point
• Lovable
• Family-oriented
• A "doer”
• Can give orders easily
• Domestic
• Sometimes exaggerates
• Can be stubborn over
little things
• Needs people around

Sharp-angled but curved tip
• Creative
• Enthusiastic
• Energetic
• Talkative
• Loves attention
• Falls in love easily
• Helpful
• Needs a schedule but
dislikes one

Lipstick Personality Profile

How gross are the testers? Which ones are safe to try?

Well, testers in general are always sort of borderline gross. This is why you should get a sample from a Sephora cast member whenever possible. We have drawers and drawers full of them, and every client is supposed to leave the store with three samples. Lately we've all been living in fear of being "shopped," which is when someone working for the company poses as a client and then reports back to corporate about how the cast member did. If someone won't give you samples, that's really fucked up of them first of all, but it's also a big company no-no. This gets tricky with Color World. Makeup samples are harder to give out, but we have a few, so you should always ask. But the testers are always going to be the testers and people are always going to do what they do with them no matter where you are. I've seen people do some really gnarly things with the testers. The best is when they stick their dirty fingers right into the pots of face cream and rub it all over their faces in huge amounts in the middle of the store. Sometimes the jar is getting kind of empty and they're all in there trying to dig it out. People who are sort of possibly homeless-ish play with all the testers. I've seen tons of people pick lipsticks up off the displays and put them directly on their lips. When we see this, we're supposed to discreetly get rid of the sample and put out a fresh one, but you can't be everywhere at once so we miss things. We're also supposed to direct everyone to one of the hygiene stations with all the disposable applicators, but they don't always listen. That's also sort of why the hygiene station is there—so you can personally do something to avoid getting in on other people's nasty shit.

When will Fort Wayne, Indiana get a Sephora store?

How the fuck am I supposed to know? I am extremely busy working a register and stocking shelves and putting Prevage in my mouth. I have no idea. Call 1-877-SEPHORA. It'll get you somewhere, although I don't know where that somewhere would be.

What's the best way to get the cast members to actually help you instead of standing around talking to each other?

Ooh, they call that a "black cloud." Because we all wear black, you know, and if too many of us are standing around together, it's like we're going to rain on people's shopping experience. You shouldn't be having a hard time getting a cast member's attention or getting them to help you, and there aren't supposed to be black clouds out on the stage. Obviously black clouds happen, customer service is not perfect, blah blah blah. If you call a store and ask for Leadership, someone will very patiently listen to you complain, be really nice about it, and then probably hang up the phone and talk shit on you. Also, you're complaining about someone who is probably going to leave the company within six months anyway. This job is for children who like eye shadow. You might be able to kind of get some of them in trouble by doing this, but probably not.

What do you think about the Sephora brand eye shadows?

I like them. I use them. They have really pretty colors, and I like the texture of the creamier ones a lot. I think that sometimes, people expect them to be more highly pigmented than they are. They look like they're going to be these really bold colors, but then they go on a little more sheerly. If you want a more pigmented eye shadow, look for companies that are making those. MAC is sort of the gold standard for highly pigmented eye shadows... but I mean, MAC is no joke. Drag queens and movie sets use it. Highly pigmented is what they do. Definitely try stuff out on your hand before you buy it if you're not sure what it does. Or just return it. Sephora brand everything is kind of "meh." The brushes and stuff are cool, but the products are all really middle-of-the-line and not that exciting, especially compared to the other lines we carry.

Why are you so eager to stay at this job, get the training, and learn more? Are you an esthetician or just between jobs, or what?

Okay, what you don't understand is this: I got home from work a few hours ago and I feel like I just mainlined $3000 worth of the best drug imaginable straight into my brain. You would have to love products as much as I do to be able to stand working here. I give myself a facial every night. Ask me about my Kinerase collection. It's sick. No, I'm not an esthetician, yes, I am perfectly capable of holding down a better job. I just like my kind of crack. It's my shit. I'm working here to fuel my fancy skin care addiction. I just realized everyone who works here is eighteen. I asked them, "how can you afford to work here?" And they said, "I live with my parents." Even this woman who works here who is forty and divorced — she lives with her mom. We are all here for the same reason.

Have you always been addicted to beauty products?

Ever since I came down with adult-onset cystic acne about ten years ago. I am a very vain person, the type of person who will stay inside my house and not go into work and refuse to see my closest friends if I have a bad breakout. It is sick. But there is something so sad and homeless about acne. It just looks like something is wrong. That's why I love helping someone who comes in and looks like shit. There is a feminine joy I get from being able to say, here, I know a lot about this and I can help you. Because I can. I have dabbled in everything. I am hardcore. I will try your homeopathic aspirin-raw honey mask. I will take your supplements; I will spend hundreds of dollars on credit on fancy products and I will let you stick your acupuncture needles in me. I also don't pussyfoot around; I believe it's gonna look worse before it looks better. And I do not let obstacles stand in my way: at my lowest point — I can't believe I did this but at my lowest point I would routinely go to a dermatologist and get cortisone shots in my cystic acne. And I would watch where he stuck the needles and when he left the room I would steal a bunch of syringes and do it on myself at night.

Why does corporate Sephora call insults "gifts?" How do they get away with it?

Most of the people who work here are teenagers and they are happy to not be working at McDonald's. This is how they get away with it. As to the why of this issue, my best guess is that it's called a "gift" in an attempt to put a positive spin on what could be construed—let's face it, by anyone functioning normally as a human being—as negative feedback. They mask it with this new-agey shit like, "this is a gift for you to take to the future." Like we should be very glad that now we know our makeup looks like shit or that our shoes are fug, so that we can correct the situation and do a better job. Oh, also, Sephora is what we call a "values-based" company, which to my understanding means that we are not allowed to even say words like steal, shoplift, took, take, thief, what have you. Instead of loss prevention, we have "excellent client servicing." This means that we follow clients around, talking to them, helping them, basically watching them like hawks under the guise of customer service to ensure that the bad thing we're not supposed to say does not happen. So there isn't a security guard, no tags, nothing like that. Instead it's us, and I mean... our costumes don't have pockets for a reason, too. But yeah, we don't use negative terms at Sephora and "gift" is another example of that.

How quickly does stock move at your store? Do any of the items sit around on the shelves for a long time?

People are not feeling the Decleor skincare line. They don't buy the Bliss home waxing kit ever, either. We sell a lot of Perricone, but people seem to be kind of confused about the other cosmeceuticals unless I am here to enable them. Those are my favorite things to sell, but the names have gotten so technical for some of these products that people literally do not understand that oh, this is face cream. The department store brands don't sell... Clinique, Lancome, Shiseido, all of those. People can get those in other places so they tend not to care so much about them. Sometimes someone will come in and request a certain Lancome product or something, but for the most part, people are interested in the fun, new stuff. These products all have preservatives enough so that we can keep them on the shelf for years if they don't sell. Also, I'm not there all the time so it's hard for me to know exactly how much is moving in terms of a gross net. This isn't the kind of thing staff members are routinely consulted about, we're just told how much the store made and how much we are expected to sell for the day.

What's up with your fearless Leader, Cunty Claus? Did she do anything cunty this week?

She does some kind of cunty something every week, pretty much. This week I was at the store on a Sunday before it opened, and I mean, cast members use the front door just like everyone else so if that's locked, you're shit out of luck until someone opens it for you. So we're waiting outside in the cold, and by the time anyone remembered to open the door for us, we were all a grand total of three minutes late. I was the last one to clock in, and I was only three minutes late. Anyway, Cunty Claus took this opportunity to give all of us this terrible lecture at Touch Base, which is our opening meeting, and it's all about how she doesn't understand why we didn't call the store if we were going to be late, what are our excuses, we're late all the time, just a bunch of bullshit like that. I explained to her that we were only three minutes late according to the time clock and she launches into this whole big thing about how the time clock and the clock on the stage are different or something bullshitty. Basically she was just pissed we didn't hop to it in a big hurry freaking out over our jobs even though it wasn't even our faults in the first place that no one opened the doors sooner. She's on this extremely creepy power trip. Once she found me leaning against a display for what, a second, and she says, "We don't lean here. We stand at Sephora." What the fuck? Who says that? She's really into intimidating the cast members so that she seems more authoritative. I think she lives in a world where she has no power and any time she's not at Sephora, working, people like take their dicks out and wipe them on her face. But I guess Sephora is the place where she can avoid the Dirty Sanchez and so we're all three minutes late on Cunty Claus' beat.

How did you finally get rid of your acne?

Oh, that is a long story I will save for next time. But I literally know everything about anything having to do with your skin, so bring on the skin care queries. I am fired up and ready to fight your glands with you.

• Carrie Bradshaw in Burberry in Sex and the City movie ads: Potentially even more damaging to the brand than the chavs? [Vogue UK]
  
• Quick turnaround! Halston redux will be available on-line on Net-a-Porter the day after its runway show next week? Says Net-a-Porter chairman Natalie Massenet:"I am sure this will be a shock to the brands that specialize in knocking off some of the talent in the fashion industry. They had their cake and have been eating it for a while." [Vogue UK]
  
• All employees in the Tod's group were just given a $2,000 bonus by Group head Diego Della Valle as an "I'm-Sorry-The-Italian-Economy-Is-Bad-Right-Now" gesture. Um, are you reading this, Mr. Denton? [WWD, 2nd item]
  
• Cynthia Rowley: Now designing for Target. [WWD, 4th item]
  
• ThreeAsFour: Now designing for the Gap. [Fashionista]

• Louis Vuitton, not content to merely assault us with logos in magazines, on billboards and plastered across half the luggage in LAX's baggage carousels, is producing television commercials now too. [WWD]
• Since the stars have no awards shows to go to it looks like many will be coming out to New York for next week's fashion shows instead. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Alberta Ferretti has inked a fragrance licensing deal with Elizabeth Arden; the label's premiere scent is set to launch in spring 2009, with a skin care line to follow. [WWD, 1st item]
• Ralph Lauren just opened a new endoscopy wing at the Ralph Lauren Center for Cancer Care and Prevention in Harlem. We never knew that Ralph was all into helping cancer patients in Harlem! [WWD]
• The Spring 2008 Nordstrom campaign is all artsy and highbrow, with paintings done by Ruven Afandor. Paintings done by Ruven Afandor on models, that is. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Marie Claire editor-in-chief Joanna Coles on the reasoning behind the pre-Fashion Week dinner she threw: "The designers needed help and the models needed feeding." [Fashion Week Daily]
• More from PR pro Kelly Cutrone on preparing for Fashion Week: "Mara Hoffman...refus[ed] to show before 2:21 p.m. on February 2 as the moon would be void, off course (of course)...Araks will show first, immediately followed (after 2:21 p.m.) by Mara. I call Mara and ask, "What is happening astrologically?" She replies, "Mercury is in retrograde." [Chic Report]
• No shocker here: More and more people are buying clothes from Amazon.com. [Times of London]
• How bad is the economy? So bad that lipstick isn't even selling. And lipstick sales are supposed to go up during a recession. [AdAge]

"People would put whitening on their skin and over time, it would eat the skin away, causing all sorts of scarring," says Kevin Jones, curator at the FIDM Museum in L.A. "And the way they covered that up was to apply thicker amounts of the makeup, which would then exacerbate the situation. It was a horrible process, once you got started you couldn't stop."

Sure, but we're totally sane and safe now, right? Well, in 1930, Lash Lure, and eyelash dye, caused 16 cases of blindness and one death. The FDA started monitoring these things in 1938, yet a third of lipsticks contain lead, says a study released in October 2007. And in November, US marshals seized 12,000 tubes of Age Intervention Eyelash, a product designed to make lashes long. They suspected the stuff could harm your vision. (The FDA oversees cosmetics, but after the fact; removing items that prove to be unsafe. Unlike drugs, cosmetics are not required to have clinical trials before they hit the market.) So from piercing (ears) to courting skin cancer to altering your posture, how far are we willing to go to look more alluring?

Suffering For Beauty Has Ancient Roots [MSNBC]
Related: Potentially harmful cosmetic eye product seized [MSNBC]
Earlier: Is Your Lipstick Poisoning You?
Oldies But Goodies: Savage Tan
Fashion Victims

• You may not recall this inconsequential blip on the screen of recent fashion history, but chronically-late designer Marc Jacobs showed up more than two hours late for his September New York fashion show, and a handful of people were annoyed, and so now Marc has apparently thought up a solution: taking an earlier slot next Fashion Week , when the Marc Jacobs show is slated to begin at 7 p.m. [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Meanwhile, Marc Jacobs on the holidays: "I'm not really a Hanukkah person and I'm only a part-time Christmas person. We try to have a non-denominational holiday window every year." [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Isaac Mizrahi, though, loves the Hanukkah! "My boyfriend got a Jack Russell-Beagle mix named Deano over the summer and he's very difficult to find presents for. So for Hanukkah I'll be getting Deano a Kosher bone, a Star of David sweater and a Dreidel chew toy." [WWD, 2nd item]

• Matthew McConaughey on his new relationship (professional, of course!) with the Dolce & Gabbana boys: "I talked to Stefano briefly before shooting the campaign in Paris and Domenico and I just bonded over a restaurant meal a few days ago, when we met for the first time. They've hooked me up with some tailored suits and great shoes—what man could object?"" Ha ha, we know a few straight men who maybe could. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Eva Mendes: First she went "naked" in the last issue of Jane magazine, now she's disrobing for PETA. Girl just can't keep her clothes on. [WWD, 3rd item]
• Yves Saint Laurent is issuing a limited edition coffee table book. Yours for only $800! Um, please tell me there is still some actual, like, clothing item or accessory I could still get from YSL for that price? [Fashion Week Daily]
• Paris Hilton's Swedish Tourist Pizza Boy Alex Vaggo is officially a hanger-on-slash-"model"! He shot a campaign for Alexander McQueen's McQ line. They use his cash to blow the coke she buys with hers. [TMZ]
• American Eagle financials: meh. [Reuters]
• Ew, we don't think we want to know the origins of lipstick. [BellaSugar]
• Want to buy Luther Vandross' wardrobe at auction? Ummmm. [Times of London]

"Lead builds up in the body over time and lead-containing lipstick applied several times a day, every day, can add up to significant exposure levels. The latest studies show there is no safe level of lead exposure."

One thing to note about the findings: The researchers purchased lipstick in different stores in different states, and lead levels varied from state to state, even within the same brand or color. So you can't really use the report as a shopping list. But to find out some brands that were safe, download the report and go to page 9.

Here's a list of the lipsticks that were found to have unsafe lead levels (i.e., higher than the 0.1ppm that the FDA says is safe for candy):

• Maybelline NY Moisture Extreme Scarlet Simmer (0.11)
  
• Cover Girl Incredifull Lipcolor Maximum Red (0.12)
  
• Peacekeeper Paint Me Compassionate (0.12)
  
• Maybelline NY Moisture Extreme Midnight Red (0.18)
  
• Maybelline NY Moisture Extreme Cocoa Plum (0.19)
  
• Dior Addict Positive Red (0.21)
  
• Cover Girl Continuous Color Cherry Brandy (0.28)
  
• LʹOreal Colour Riche True Red (0.50)
  
• Cover Girl Incredifull Lipcolor Maximum Red (0.56)
  
• LʹOreal Colour Riche Classic Wine (0.58)
  
• LʹOreal Colour Riche True Red 0.65

60% Of Lipsticks Contain Lead [Consumerist]

Welcome to "Blushing Snides," a regular Jezebel beauty and makeup feature that will probably change names when we think of something less completely retarded. Our first installment was inspired by Moe's impassioned defense of red lipstick over nudes and the various "spermy" tones, which triggered a small commenter outcry and prompted Jezebel's two foremost product connoisseurs, BiscuitDoughJones and LoMorale, to privately express their dissent. "It's a lie perpetuated by the insidious cosmetic industry that everyone looks good in red lipstick! They don't!" said Dough, herself a makeup artist. "And, oh god, SO NINETIES," added Lo. After much deliberation it was agreed that red lipstick can work only if a few common pitfalls are avoided. And by a "few," we mean a lot. After the jump, Lo & Dough's Six Most Common Lipstick Fuckups, from "Retrodiculous" to "Brick Whorehouse," as told through the faux smiles of Gwen, Posh, Christina Aguilera and more of your favoritest celebs!

The Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

You know those mole people who live in the New York subway system, totally outside of society as we know it and away from Vitamin-D rich sunshine as we know it? WHBJ is what would happen if a wealthy philanthropist like, say, lipstick mogul Poppy King, got her hands on one of the girl mole people and thought she'd spruce her up to bring her along to a $1400-a-plate benefit dinner. White skin plus white eyelashes plus squinty eyes plus red lipstick equals scary ghost-shade thing flitting about the room looking for souls to suck. I mean, we blame Poppy King and not the mole people for this, of course. But still.
How Not To Be Her: This goes out to all the Super Anglos out there: If you're really pale with light-colored eyes and white-blonde hair, there's a chance red lipstick will make you look like a ghost in a powdered wig. Warm up your complexion with a little blush or bronzer around your hairline to frame your face. Then sweep the color onto the tops of your cheek & browbones to make it look like your milky ass has seen the sun sometime within the last 3 years. Lightly fill in your brows and apply enough mascara to reveal the fact that you actually have lashes. Essentially, you'll be drawing your face back on, because red lips are gonna wash you out. Choose true reds with blue undertones, as plums or corals will make your look too dated. Like fedoras. And Wayfarers. And leggings...


The Orange Julius
Bitch, did you just drink five of them? Oh, that's just your lipstick. Psych. I mean, it looks cute. No, really.
How Not To Be Her: Coral lipstick is not the easiest thing to pull off. It's best for girls with an olive or golden-toned complexion. If you're pale and pink and want to wear orange lipstick anyway, use a bit of bronzer on the rest of your face. Stay away from coral red if you're a spray-tan soldier, unless the look you're going for is 'beta-carotine imbalance'. Also, choose a lipstick that's a satin finish, not too glossy, not too matte. If you go glossy, it looks like you swabbed your mouth with an orange Tootsie Pop. Uh, not that I ever did that in grade school or anything, noo... If you do coral in a matte, your look will be more along the lines of drinking too much Slice. I fuckin loved Slice. Last night the fiance and I were watching 'Thrashin' and it was all Slice tee shirts and hot pink NASH skateboards. Do they still make that soda? Anyway, coral lipstick looks better in person than it photographs. Remember that the night you choose to wear coral is the night you get arrested for beating up paparazzi.

Retrodiculous
You know that Dita Von Teese broad? She has an excuse. She actually is a burlesque dancer recreating a bygone era in which women who took their clothes off for money couldn't find husbands. Unlike Ms. Von Teese and her professional tassel-twirling compatriots, Retrodiculous is just some girl sporting an overly literal interpretation of the pitch-black hair, powdered face, liquid eyeliner, and honking red lips of an era so bygone she could not possibly remember it. It's not that this looks bad, necessarily. It's just corny. Retrodiculous needs to get up off Bettie Page's long-dead, leopard-print jock and join the Now.
How Not To Be Her: One can avoid Retrodiculosity fairly easily. When you decide to don the red, keep the rest of the face tidy, but really minimal. Lay the hell off of the cakey foundation, opt instead for a tinted moisturizer for some glow. Oh, and keep the cat-eyes in check by only lining your eyes in the thinnest of razor-thin swipes of black liner just along the lashes. And don't pout about it. Nobody likes a 'Cry-Baby'.


The Snaggle-Toothed Tiger
Fucked-up grills can be kind of adorable on the right girl. She's flawed, see? Imperfect and human, just like you and me. Add some red lipstick into this equation, though, and it's a whole different beast: the Snaggle-Toothed Tiger... hungry for some fresh jugular. The STT stalks the world, blissfully unaware of the citizens scrambling for a good hiding place every time she bares her scary carnivore teeth to say, "heeeeyyy."
How Not To Be Her: Two words: Crest Whitestrips. If you've got crooked teeth, you may as well eliminate the other common tooth-related malady and bleach your shit. I don't care how white you think your teeth are, they could stand to be whiter, trust. Also, try covering your mouth when you smile and giggle in a coy manner. It works for Japanese women...(I'm so totally kidding)


The Brick Whorehouse
I mean, I love the 90s too, but Brick Whorehouse's makeup bag remains willfully ignorant of the concept that as soon as there's a VH1 series about something, it's time to surrender the fantasy. Flat, matte, brick lips are not just charmingly anachronistic when the B-Dub forgets to exfoliate her lips and there are like, little lip-skin balls all rolled up in her sludgy coat of Revlon. They are prime material for a good old-fashioned Shame Spiral.
How Not To Be Her: Prep your lips for darker lipstick by first lightly exfoliating with a soft-bristle toothbrush and some warm water. Then apply some balm and give it a few minutes to soak in. I guess you can use the next few minutes to listen to your favorite Arrested Development tape or something. After the second-to-last chorus of 'Tennessee', go ahead and slick on some light, glossy brown-red lipstick (Clinique Black Honey is the joint). Now you're free to make out with Jordan Catalano in the boiler room.



Smearabella
A set of impeccably red lips calls for an etiquette skill set just as impeccable. Smearabella fails to realize that her look of choice necessitates no eating, drinking, frenching, tolerating bear-hugs from men taller than she is, drooling cocaine snot all over herself, or anything else (fun) that might cause her red lipstick to migrate from her lips onto... whatever. You will know her by the cherry Kool-Aid moustache that graces her nasolabial region as though she has a perpetual case of windburn, the stack of other people's dry-cleaning bills on her bedside table, and the disdainful expressions of busboys everywhere.
How Not To Be Her: Red lipstick is more high-maintenance than those insufferable bitches on The Fashionista Diaries. So, take Devora Rose's advice and, like, don't eat. Ever. Until you wipe that shit off. Nobody wants to re-enact the love scene from Lady and the Tramp if they know there's a half-tube of MAC Russian Red getting all over their end of the cappellini. But you can also secure your lipstick's future on your mouth only by applying your color correctly: Follow the prepping instructions on 'Brick Whorehouse' (complete with Arrested Development) then line the lips in red pencil. Fill the lips in with the pencil. Lightly powder. Apply the red lipstick. Blot. Apply lipstick again. Blot. Contemplate the word 'redundant', then gaze upon your resplendent reflection. I'm not gonna tell you to make kissy-face at your reflection, because chances are you were going to do that anyway.

Anyway, fast forward twenty years and I have come to realize my mom was right: any sort of lipstick that a dude would not describe as "red" or possibly "dark pink" is trashy. Today I not only abhor lipsticks in all variations of "neutral" and "nude," I find myself actually inwardly rooting for celebrities who wear red on their lips. When Alicia Keys and Lauren Conrad both showed up to last weekend's MTV Video Music Awards in impeccably-linered shades of red, a not-insubstantial part of me actually liked them more, perhaps because their full, deliberate, ladylike mouths provided such a welcome contrast to Britney's spermy lipsynching. (OMG did I really just write that sentence?) What's more, I realized I have long harbored a pro-red lipstick policy with celebrities:
Julie Delpy, for instance, can basically do no wrong in my eyes, though Sofia Coppola, who isn't so much a "red-red" type of person as a "muted sheer red and mauve with lipliner" type of person, sort of represents my lipstick ideal:

So how do I justify this? I am still coming up with a sufficiently pretentious, hubristic line of reasoning to defend myself. You can trust that consumerism and the coming recession will come into play. In the meantime, pretty pictures!

Choose Your Flavor In Lipstick [Modern Mechanix]
Related: New Twist In Illicit Drugs: Fruit Flavor [SacramentoBee]