The first thing that happens upon walking into a Sephora store is a feeling of profound disorientation. While you're busy steeling your self-esteem against the incredibly bright lighting and omnipresent mirrors, display after display of beauty products are working their subliminal coercion on the rest of you, saying, "we can fix you. It'll be fun!" Before you even have a chance to pull out your fuck finger at such a blatant attempt at consumer manipulation, you realize that Sephora is probably right. With over 250 different brands of beauty products under one roof, if you can't find something fun to fix you at Sephora, it might be time to consider quiet resignation as your last remaining option.

It is difficult to overstate how sickeningly profitable that quiet resignation is for Sephora and the multibillion dollar multinational conglomerate that has owned it since 1997, Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessey. For one thing, makeup is a pretty profitable racket to begin with. Then there's the fact that the average lipstick at Sephora costs $25, and that most of Sephora's brands were virtual unknowns before Sephora picked them up, so with 766 stores in 21 countries, they have Wal-Mart-esque buying power. Then you've gotta remember how small everything is. It's hard to find a store where a $100 item takes up less shelf space that doesn't involve a "Genius Bar"; the average store is estimated to generate $1,200 in sales per square foot every year.

But what really helps Sephora stay profitable is its workforce. Unlike the overeager artistes that lord over department store makeup counters, with their business cards and bags of drag queen-lite makeup tricks, the black lab coat-clad ladies of Sephora are mostly invisible until you ask them to appear. They make $10 an hour. Perhaps to compensate for their meager wages they are taught to speak in a mysterious code language, abide by strange rules and fill their brains with limitless quantities of beauty trivia all in the hopes of attaining eligibility for "Science Of Sephora," the chain's own month-long beauty school. And this is where "Jasmine" comes in. Below, the anonymous insider talks to me about life on "stage" at Sephora... and why she puts up with managers like Cunty Claus. Got questions for her? Email her directly at SephoraSpy@gmail.com.

What made you do it?
I really, really want to do their training. It's called S.O.S, or Science of Sephora. You go for a month, just beauty training every day like it's your job. The reps from all the different companies show up and give you demos of all their products and give you stuff. You learn fragrance notes, skincare ingredients, makeup techniques... just everything. And the gratis is out of control. They give you everything, DDS Mesojections, Prevage, crazy samples of everything, all this makeup that's like specifically picked out for you, a whole skincare regimen, just really great gratis. The gratis is amazing even without having been to S.O.S. yet, just what you get to keep from working at the store. There's always a brand rep coming by with more shit for you to take home. But I was thinking that I'd get to S.O.S., grab my mother lode, and quit after that if I can't stand it anymore. They can probably smell my S.O.S ambition all over me at this point, too. I am no joke. I'm always talking about skin care, sticking my fingers in everything, trying things out when I'm on stage, which is a no-no... we're not supposed to be trying anything during our shift.

Wait... "on stage"?
The "stage" is the sales floor. Then "backstage" is anywhere that isn't the sales floor. I'm not an employee, I'm a "cast member." It's never called a uniform, it's called a "costume." And I mean... that's just like, wearing black. Your bosses are "leadership." The best part is that you wear those little headphones so people are having entire conversations using this lingo over the headsets and it's all I can do not to crack up when I hear things like, "Hi, this is Cast Member X, I'm on stage right now, I'd like to pop backstage, I have coverage in my zone." And it's astonishing to me that people will have full conversations using these words and no one is flinching. Whole conversations of... "pushback." "Pushback" is like, comments or a reply to the "gift" I gave you or whatever else I just told you.

Which brings me to another term, "the gift." If they're going to give you extra work or say something horrible to you about yourself, it's called a "gift." Like, "Your makeup looks like shit today, I just wanted to let you know, if you want to go in the back and re-do the whole thing..." That is a "gift" employees are often on the receiving end of at Sephora. Or, "I need to you to go in the back with all this stuff, and put it away. Here. This is my gift for you."

Are you supposed to say "thank you" when you get a gift?
I always do. Here's the thing: I think a lot of the company lingo is meant to hide the fact that it's work. Because I think any adult actually doing this for the income or like, for their actual career would probably kill themselves. We don't work on commission. I make eleven bucks an hour, and I think that I'm actually one of the higher-paid cast members at my store. The average is probably nine or ten dollars an hour. But, a lot of people are... two of my co-workers are what, eighteen, nineteen? And their first jobs before Sephora were in fast food. So this job is paying them a lot more. It's also a job with a certain kind of clout, a certain kind of clientele, and they're learning something. One of them is like, exceptionally good-looking with the best skin ever, so I wouldn't be surprised if they just have her there to like, walk around and make the store look good. Plus, we get all the training we need from the company. The only other retail job I've ever worked was when I was sixteen, at a GAP out in the suburbs. When Sephora came to town—I mean, at one point, I know I said I'd never work a retail job again. Horrifying. I just wanted to get out and never go back. However, when Sephora came to town, it kind of re-wrote the script for me and I was willing to work on their "stage." The information I think I can get if I can make myself stay long enough is basically a free education. I like going to work in high-glamour mode every day, thinking about these things. Left to my own devices, I don't want to say I don't care about beauty, but I'm less inclined to... you know, obsess and I've definitely never paid this level of attention before. So it's interesting to me on that level.

Which products are you into right now?
Well, today I'm wearing the BeneFit line. There are a bunch of things on my face. I really think they do a good job with little trick products, iridescence products, color correction, highlighting stuff. There's a BeneFit product for every different part of your face, and if you use them together, they really do make your skin look flawless. I also just bought a bottle of Christian Dior J'Adore. It's this Old Hollywood kind of floral scent, and the bottle is really glamorous. I liked the idea of finishing off my Old Hollywood look with this aura of perfume mystique. But I don't know if this is really the fragrance for me. I'm still somewhat dissatisfied with it. I'm really into face serums, too. kojic acid is big for me. It brightens your skin, and it's a gentler alternative to hydroquinone, which basically gives you cancer. People use it all the time anyway, but I prefer the kojic acid products. It's funny, because everyone who works at Sephora always wants to work in Color World, which is where all the makeup is... and we all have to take our turns in every World, just to keep everything kind of fluid... but I like Beauty World. I think skin care is my thing. I also really like working with the clients. Not customers, customers are one-time-only visitors. Clients are people who keep coming back, and they're what we want to make every customer. But it always makes me feel really good when people come in with these skin problems that are completely valid and just making them feel horrible about themselves... like a twenty-four year old girl with really bad acne who walks in never having really used anything except like ProActiv... and I can hook her up. And be really reassuring at the same time because it's horrible to have to walk into a store and be like, "help my face, please!" But if I'm working Beauty World that day, I know that girl will leave feeling good. Another thing that I like is that people can return anything they want, even if it's half-empty, and we give out samples of everything. The Sephora people call that "confidence." Sephora is huge on "confidence."

What's the worst part about working there?
Routinely being spoken to like I'm an autistic third grader. There's this whole chain of command in retail where people feel really entitled to speak down to you. If a client isn't doing it, "leadership" is doing it, and it's always worse when it's someone you have to see every day, like one of my managers, who I like to call Cunty Claus. It's a good thing we don't work on commission, because it would be like "Pretty Woman" in there. There are days when I'm like, 'this is ridiculous,' but I try not to let that out so much. I just keep thinking Science of Sephora... Science of Sephora... Science of Sephora.

Oh no! It makes us look like swag whores."

About a year ago this shit would have had my very soul steaming out through my ears. I would have thought it was disgraceful and foul that so many women would be so gaily complicit in the efforts of the large cosmetics companies to ever-fatten the profit margins gleaned by milking the insecurity of women for all its worth. About a year ago I would hear a beauty editor friend tell me about how Herbalessences flew her to the Amazon for a week-long "organic beauty" tour or some shit and I would barely be able to restrain my puke at the perpetuation of so much pointless waste. And to think that independent bloggers — free from the advertising relationships and product pages to fill that prevent magazines from actually explaining what a fucking scam the whole thing is — can be bought with a few boxes of free anti-aging cream? That "retails" for $90, but cost $3 to fucking make?? Who don't write negative reviews under the reasoning that "we don't want to hurt a company"???

Lady, does a "company" bleed?

But yeah, seriously, I don't give a shit anymore. I mean, there's a war in Iraq and a war in Kenya and date rape is still de facto legal and Paris Hilton is still famous and soon enough there will be a huge recession and it will wipe all this bullshit away and we will all stop lining the pockets of LVMH and Dr. Motherfucking Pericone with our ill-advised purchases of $65 tinted moisturizer and $30 lipgloss.

Beauty and Blogs Come Of Age: Swag, Please! [NY Times]

Seriously, when was the last time the cosmetics industry tried to get you to drop $471 in a single transaction so you could wind up looking like this? You have to fucking hand it to them.

A facialist recently marveled to me: "Your lines are worse than mine and I am 40 years old!" Which forced me to point out: "I'm not CHINESE." So Asians have better skin. Do they have to rub it in our faces? Segue alert! Enter Lo & Dough, Jezebel's resident beauty product geeks.In the first installment of their column, they tackled the six most common ways people fuck up their lipstick. Recently they told me about an ancient Chinese beauty secret: the semen facial. Since I'm personally going through a reeeeal dry patch (ha!) they both agreed to become whores in the name of pores, Jizzybelles, etc. etc. And in the name of the scientific method, they both found sperm donors named Matt! But how did Creme Le Peen work out for their skin? Find out!

"White Tigresses engage in two primary oral practices to revitalize their yin and yang energies. In the first, Congealing the Dragon's Jade, she makes use of male semen to restore her skin and hair."

Cosmopolitan head honcho Helen Gurley Brown once famously advised women to "Spread semen over your face, [it's] probably full of protein as sperm can eventually become babies. Makes a fine mask—and he'll be pleased." Damn, Helen, did that dick make you slap somebody, too? Because we actually tried out your crazy-ass beauty tip this weekend, against all better judgment, and are now here to report back on the Nasty Truth of semen facials. It all started with a few innocent emails:

BDJ: Dude, my skin has been pissing me off sooo bad lately. While I'm the last person in the world to buy into a load of hype, I'm this close to splurging on Creme De La Mer. You should talk me out of it, whether you know anything about La Mer or not. I don't want to pay that much money for something that calls itself a 'miracle broth', and yet I'm so drawn to the promise of amazing skin....

Lo: Heh, heh... "miracle broth." That sounds like that gross thing we were talking about yesterday. I'll give you ten bucks if you rub sperm into your face and blog about it. I'd totally do it but I'm single.

BDJ: Isn't sperm actually supposed to be good for the skin? I think I read that somewhere... But, knowing my crap memory, it was probably College Humor or some shit. I'll totally do it if you do something else gross and blog about it. There was a rumor when I was in school that if you swabbed your morning pee all over your face (like a toner) it would clear up your skin. I suspect that girls I knew believed it, considering that all of the popular girls at my school kinda smelled like pee. Or it could've been Gap 'Dream'. I dunno.

Lo: Ohhh man. There's this uh, sort of monastic taoist order of sexual nuns in china called the white tigress society. Their whole M.O. is to harvest as much sperm as they can, rub it all over themselves, and apparently not age. I guess it works for them. The part I think is funniest is that they have to go out and "harvest" it. I think we should totally do this. I'll go out and harvest if worse comes to worse. I'm not using pee as a toner though. That's just foul.

BDJ: I just looked it up in google questions (who knew?) and it says that ejaculate contains urea also, so you may be getting the bonus effects of pee, whatever that is. It's like those cleansers, that are ALSO toners! The google also said ejaculate was basically warm sugar water with a little salt, vitamin c, and zinc. You must go forth and harvest.

Lo: How are you going to harvest it? Like in a cup, or in your hand, or fresh-squeezed from the condom, or what? We might have to wait awhile for me to get some. Hopefully I can pull it off within the week. Also, are we applying this like a beauty masque? Haaaahahahaha.

BDJ: Maybe a cup. Def not a condom, those things are full of nasty chemicals. Just let me know when you can get some. The fresher the better, I'm guessing. Since it hardens and flakes. I'm grossing myself out now. Um, I guess like a masque. I give it 10 minutes tops before I get skeeved and go wash it off.

Lo: Yeah, I just had the thought that my ex would probably be willing to donate. I'll buy him a perfect 10 and send him to the bathroom with a coffee mug.

7:35 Lo: I'm getting sperm tonight! Can you?
9:08 Dough: of course
10:58 Lo: Smells bad, burns, thank god I'm wasted.
11:01 Dough: Burns? Shit! Um, he's been drinking, eh. Prolly not good 4 yr skin.
11:02 Lo: Mine too! Plus I had to blow him for science, oops!
11:04: Dough: "For science' sure...
11:06 Dough: My test subject is reluctant.
11:07 Lo: Matt says "Bullshit I did it!"
11:09 Dough: We are both harvesting Matt jizz
11:10 Lo: Do it!!!
11:11 Dough: I'm doing
11:25 Dough: Omg. So gross. It stanks.
11:26 Dough: No burn, just tingles
11:31 Lo: I'm really smooth!
11:39 Dough: I'm bright red. It burns now & I look like a glazed donut.
12:00 Lo: It's like any other mask. I hate masks. Matt and I are still
trying to drink away the humiliation...
12:02 Dough: Just think how much we'll have 2 drink once this goes to post!

The semen facial burned the fuck out of our faces, and our skin stayed red and irritated well into the next day. The more we researched into the skin nourishing properties of semen, the further we were convinced there were none.

Helen was right about one thing, semen does contain protein, and as the water in the spunk evaporates the protein is left behind. This does tighten the skin, but only in a ghetto, Queen Helene Peel-off Masque kind of way. Which means the tightening effect is gone once the product is removed. Also, if you consider that semen contains sorbitol (body alcohol), sodium, citric acid, uric acid, and chlorine, the tightening effect that a load to the face provides can
be chalked up to drying of the skin. Yes- DRYING. As in, sucks moisture out of. As in, makes you look older. As in, not a moisturizer!

And yes, semen does contain a few trace vitamins and minerals form the body, but the amount is negligible, and there's not proof that those minerals can be absorbed into the skin from the seminal plasma. You'd get better facial nourishment without the Port-A-Potty smell if you were to use a vitamin-enriched moisturizer you could get from a drugstore. Semen also contains Urea and Uric acid, so if golden showers aren't your thing, semen "facials" shouldn't be either. There's probably more piss in jizz then there is magical skin-saving properties. Swallowing spunk isn't necessarily good for you either. If you're so concerned with vitamins and antioxidants, you'd be better off taking a multivitamin like a sane person. I'm sure some fools are gonna come out of the woodwork claiming that sperm is good for women's bodies, but the fact is that there is no scientific proof to back this up, leading us to believe that this is just a lame frat-boy urban legend perpetuated to degrade ladies and fuck up their complexion at the same time.