Jezebel 
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New York, 6:32 PM
Mon Nov 9
52 posts in the last 24 hours
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07/24/09
07/24/09
07/24/09
It's interesting that she's been criticizing victims this whole time and is now trying so very hard to portray herself as one.
(Megan, amazing job, as usual. Thank you.)
07/24/09
I am grateful every fucking day that I didn't realize I was being abused until afterward, because if I had had to live both through all that happened (which, to be clinical about it, was not exactly the worst-case scenario and I was very lucky) and the knowledge that I would have to deal with this shit if I dared to open my mouth, I think I would have given up. The hardest part was not the abuse; the abuse is a hazy, strange nightmare, something that I know happened but no longer need to live through each day. I know, now, what to look for, how to identify an abuser, how to better protect myself. I have made my peace with the fact that my former boyfriend is, essentially, the thing under the bed that goes bump in the night.
The part where I know now that it's hopeless to even try to explain, to ask my friends not to cut me off when I try to say "I WAS ABUSED," to have to justify my every decision when I discuss this, to be fucking grateful when someone I know calls this person an asshole or tells me it wasn't my fault: I don't know how to make sense of that. My abuser was the rare kind who was also a sadist, and I can accept and understand that, because it explains what happened to me. But how am I supposed to make sense of shit like this, that says this is my fault, that even what I did right wasn't enough when I didn't even fucking know what was happening to me?
To borrow from Aaron Sorkin: Lady, I'm not embarrassed that I was abused, nor am I ashamed that I was assaulted. You fucking are. The world fucking is. And that is the greatest problem here, beyond what I did and did not do, beyond what my abuser did to me: it's you.
07/24/09
07/24/09
It baffles me: before I was on the other side of the boundary, I always knew that there were things I didn't fully understand, such as, say, domestic abuse and sexual assault; ergo, I always figured the best I could do was listen to those who had experienced such horrors, be one more voice saying It's not your fault, and advocate while accepting that I didn't, actually, know what they'd been through and therefore I ought to count my blessings.
Why Linda Hirshmann can't get this idea into her head I will never understand.
07/24/09
I don't know, I probably sound like a total ass, but I really enjoyed reading your comment.
07/24/09
Even though I know, technically, it's not my fault, it is so hard to accept that I put up with so much and didn't figure stuff out earlier. Hirshman does not help.
07/24/09
07/23/09
I'd be lying if I said I never smugly sat in judgment of the women I read about in magazines or see on Oxygen specials. I don't think I'm alone, either. Of course, I'm both oversimplifying and underestimating the complications of leaving a spouse or serious partner-- legal, financial and safety issues all arise. But at a certain point, when the abuse is consistent and life-threatening, is it wrong to demand some accountability from the woman? Of course, people will respond by saying "you can't understand unless you've been through it." But that statement implies that any woman, no matter how strong or secure, can find herself in an abusive relationship, unable to let go. And the honest reason why I feel a tinge of smugness when reading battered wives' stories? I simply don't think I would ever be in that situation. I really believe I would end it.
Then again, I can't be sure. I've never personally known any woman who's been abused. But I don't think it's fair to beat this writer up for having the courage to give voice to what I think many women are thinking.
07/24/09
It's not like he starts out acting like an abusive asshole. You love him, you form a good working relationship, and the abuse creeps in slowly. He might say or do a few things. He might get violent once in a while, but otherwise it's like any other relationship and you are in love and you know he'd never hurt you if you hadn't done whatever you'd done to set him off, or if he wasn't so stressed from work, or if the kids hadn't been so bad, or if finances weren't so tight. But it keeps getting worse.
Eventually, you get out or you die.
07/24/09
And you probably do know a woman who has been abused, but odds are, she's picked up on your smugness and is concealing her experiences from you.
07/23/09
07/24/09
07/24/09
Degrees and accolades mean nothing if you're a fucking asshole.
I don't know, sometimes the over-academic irritate me as much as the ignorant. They're just as clueless.
07/24/09
My family still doesn't know, either.
Linda Hirshmann and the BS she spews on topics like this are so detrimental to women everywhere. She is the very epitome of troll.
07/23/09
Geez.
07/23/09
"Like most people who've never been the victim of a crime — particularly a violent crime — she believes the world is a rational ordered place where if you just do the "right" thing, nothing bad will happen to you."
Hirshman honestly believes she is helping, but what she fails to understand is that her "tough love" approach is not exactly novel. Does she not realize that women (and men, too, I imagine) who are abused are asked why they stay whenever they do open up about what's going on? And that it doesn't do jack shit to encourage women to leave?
I mean, Christ, if a bit of questioning and some good old fashion shaming was all it took to get women out of abusive relationships, then the number of women in those relationships would be miniscule. The fact that this is not so just shows how wrong her assertions on the matter are.
She is so out of touch when it comes to this issue. It's embarrassing.
07/23/09
07/23/09
07/24/09
For any victim of abuse, I recommend Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It was the book that allowed me to understand that I had been abused and taught me why my intuition was to flee the relationship within the first days. It was the kind, compassionate talk I should have gotten from a friend or mother, and, strangely, it was written by a man.
And for women who haven't been abused, it will teach you how to identify an abuser straightaway. Seriously, I just adored that book. (The fact that he addressed gay couples endeared him to me even more. Recognition that love and, sadly, abuse spread beyond stereotypes: a winner is you, Mr. Bancroft.)
07/24/09
07/23/09
Ms. Hirshman, "women" and "African American" are not mutually exclusive.
07/23/09
07/23/09
07/24/09
07/24/09
07/23/09
Okay - quick. As Rihanna is a woman of color, let's start with what's wrong with this sentence, Linda.
07/23/09
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07/23/09
07/23/09
Countering "Leave for your own safety! Leave to keep your kids safe!" (non-cunty feminists, do-gooders) with "Leaving an abuser is real hard to do, harder than you will ever know!" ("science") isn't very constructive. Neither is "Just fucking LEAVE YOUR GODDAMN ABUSER ALREADY, dummy!" or "It's their choice, dummies" (Linda Hirshman, cunty feminists, Libertarians).
Just kidding about the Libertarians.
Wake me when someone figures out an effective way to help women extract themselves from abusive relationships; I'll be ready with my sleeves rolled up and a knife in my boot.
Also, it's kind of funny in that totally tacky way that people are fighting over this, especially when there are no clear winners, i.e. any measurably successful way of helping women leave their abusers.
07/23/09
07/23/09
07/23/09
07/23/09
So basically Linda Hirshman expects us women to be cold, heartless bitches when it comes to the well-being and safety of feminist women in abusive relationships, am I right? Just give them a dose of 'tough love' and tell them to suck it up and get out. That's exactly what we should do for someone who's emotionally compromised!
I'm sorry, but as a feminist with very strong emotions and cares about people who are very close to me, she's not helping the cause; she's hindering it. And she shouldn't even call herself a feminist if she wants to put the blame on the victims. The blame should be on the men who think it's okay and acceptable to push his lover around with the sole purposes to control, manipulate and hurt.
07/23/09
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