Testosterone Causes Traders To Cheat, Risk Sabotaging Relationships With Economy

Moe — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:30:00 EDT

Hey. Testosterone, It's the Economy, stupid! Ha ha ha, okay yeah dumb joke shut up. So, just to make it clear: I'm not mad. I might be at a rough point in my cycle right now, but babe that is natural, (and on the plus side, no more unplanned bubbles for Ben Bernanke to pawn off on the overextended tax base!) Anyway, I wanted to talk because...see, I was reading that story about how too many weeks without some action could be enough to permanently lower your levels completely. On the plus side, I'd say your levels were sort of dangerously high to begin with. (Except over on Stevie Cohen's team are they gay?) It got me thinking and don't get testy now! but remember a few months back when that friend of mine said you were treating me like just a "giant clitoris"?

I'm going to be brutally honest with you: she was totally right. I mean, that was, like, an epiphany. Don't deny it, you were thinking, if you did something really cool and top-secret and maybe in tandem with the G-spot or something, all would be forgiven, and the whole thing would be back in (heh) swing again. Which is why I have to tell you now, dude: I'm sorry, but I was faking the whole time. I thought you knew! I mean, I mean, I enjoy faking, it's one of the few things I'm really good at, but like...dude. The Las Vegas condo market? Enron? That time you gave me a 300 basis point rate cut and I had to pretend like, oh yeah baby, that hits the spot? Jesus Christ, T, did you learn nothing from that pathological faker you dated eight or nine years ago, the so-called New Economy? Yeah, fuck that slut; I'm telling you this because I love you: there is more to a lasting relationship than fucking, and for the next few ...months... fucking has to stop being a proxy for the health of our relationship because we are going to be going through a dry spell. I am not going to be in the mood. And for the last time, I'm not mad. I'm actually just sort of baffled by your predictability, and your inability after ALL THESE YEARS to respect me for my many parts and sectors. I know there is a lot of nuance to the signals I give out sometimes, and when I'm feeling bereft I sometimes communicate my emotional balance sheet in arcane and opaque language that it's unfair to expect you to interpret correctly, but dude, you are not gonna find a more straightforward communicator in any of the Asian markets. And the orgasm thing it's all in my mind, I swear. So for the next few months if we can just stay in, maybe see some independent films, do crossword puzzles together, lower our carbon footprints, cut down on the Asian massage parlors you'll actually enjoy all this because your levels will be lowered! I promise we will hump like Eliot and Ashley in...no time!

XO,

Testosterone Fuels Stock Market Success [LiveScience]
Traders' Raging Hormones Cause Stock Market Swings [NewScientist]
The Testosterone-Profit Link [Newsweek]
Earlier: Estrogen Hedge Fund Story]

Trader Lawsuit Reveals Secret To $13 Billion Hedge Fund Riches: Estrogen Pills, Pretty Dresses!

Moe — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 11:00:00 EDT

Context: Hedge funds, those secretive Connecticut forces that run the world/take all its money/answer to no one, are known for having a lack of females at the top. Creative solution time!

A trader is suing his former hedge fund for forcing him to scour the black market for female hormone pills in hopes they would make him a keener, more "feminine" trader but actually they just made him into a gay cross-dresser who couldn't have sex with his wife. And seriously, I'm torn as to what to tell you next. Should I start with the fact that the hedge fund in question is SAC Capital, which regularly accounts for 3% of all the trades on the New York Stock Exchange i.e. is BIGGER THAN GOD (and more secretive than the ahem Vatican?) Or the fact that the hormone-popping boss in question lives next door to Yoko Ono? And makes an estimated $100 million a year? And that this is his secret: making men take estrogen? (Hey, interruption for a service announcement: SafeSearch on when Googling "eunuch"!) Anyway there's more!

Back when the crazy case was filed and then sealed on grounds of batshit craziness (and also: Steven Cohen=ever-so-slightly terrifying, at least until we knew he was maybe just a frustrated drag queen), a suit implied they also made traders wear... fishnets? Evening gowns? Not clear!

On July 24, Tong met with Jiang both alone and with other members of Jiang's group. Jiang told Tong about his top secret training philosophy, which was to include a program of strict confidentiality and the elimination of Tong's alleged personality flaws by requiring him to wear certain kinds of clothing at work.

!!!!!

So, since when has estrogen been the answer to dealing with these fuckheads? Is this like a "Dogs of the Dow" story (Bitches of the Dow, lol)? Or is there something to it? Traders, stop arbitraging derivatives or whatever it is you do and provide insight, please!

Details Emerging In SAC Sexual Harrassment Suit [CNBC, which by the way needs to stop running that fucking Coulter clip and update us on this shit already]
Related: Sartorial Modification Behavior At SAC [Dealbreaker]

Jezebel: limp swinging dicks

Testosterone Causes Traders To Cheat, Risk Sabotaging Relationships With Economy

Trader Lawsuit Reveals Secret To $13 Billion Hedge Fund Riches: Estrogen Pills, Pretty Dresses!