Okay...so...Lindsay Lohan is definitely officially in rehab now, right? Inside of the rehab building, doing the rehabbing as we speak? Has our long national daymare finally come to an end? (Spoiler: lol, no.) Based on a quick glance at my What Lindsay Lohan Is Doing Right Now Reliability Matrix, there is a 67% chance…

Amanda Bynes makes a pretty bad case for herself when she tells In Touch that she isn't mentally ill. Her hatred of Ugly People, especially Ugly Writers, has also become increasingly extreme.

Sigh. Amanda Bynes' repeated insistence on only using her (technically crappy; see above) Twitter selfies comes from a dark place, it looks like. I know: You're totally shocked.

Sometimes-actress, always-perfectly-symmetrical-faced-human being Jessica Alba wrote a book called The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You. She is marketing it as "like GOOP, but for Poors like you and me."

In what sounds rather like a Portlandia cameo gone wrong (or right!), Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto was arrested on a drunk and disorderly charge in a Portland bar on Saturday night. Spoiler alert: It sounds like she was drunk and disorderly. She was cut off during the St. Patrick's Day festivities when the bartender…

After languidly sliming her way to court, eventually, when she felt like it, like one of those magic Death Valley sliding rocks, Lindsay Lohan has pleaded no contest to charges of reckless driving and lying to the cops. Instead of facing jail time, she'll have to complete 90 days of lockdown rehab.

I mean, how hard is it to catch a flight? This is a rhetorical question for Lindsay Lohan, who missed her plane last night from New York to attend her trial in L.A. this morning. (We're now on her twenty-something trial. When you move into the double digits, you should get a free Shakeweight or some turtle wax or an…

Lil Wayne suffered another seizure after ingesting "high amounts of codeine" and was hospitalized in critical condition earlier today. TMZ currently reports, "We're told Wayne is being given his last rites ... with his family surrounding him to say their goodbyes."

Jennifer Aniston, the quintessential grown-up Judy Blume heroine, has a lot of Very Important Decisions to make in the next few months as her wedding to Justin Theroux draws nigh. Apparently she's been quizzing Charlize Theron—mom of one-year-old Jackson Theron—about the process of adoption since mutual friend Chelsea…

Superfoxes Josh Brolin and Diane Lane are divorcing after eight years of marriage, according to their reps: "It was a mutual decision. It was amicable. It's not ugly, it's just over." (Guh.) It's the second marriage for both of them. Although this means our fantasy of James Brolin, Barbra Streisand, Josh and Diane…