First of all, when you have a crazy woman in a wig smiling at you while saying stuff that she believes is brilliant but actually makes absolutely no sense like, "Strong photo, weak film," or "What killed you in a negative way…" you'll feel a little fucked up.

Secondly:

Thirdly:

(It's extra scary when the Jabberwockies make facial expressions by using their hands!)

Also, when a giant, psychedelic snail enters the room, accompanied by a slimy man in 10 tons of makeup, things are not normal.

All of this would give anyone else a bad trip. Nicole is remarkable in that she can take this all in stride and chew her gum.

One last thing: What the fuck is up with Lil Mama's hair?

When I was in third grade I had this friend Nicole whose dad left her mom for another woman. Nicole's mom was our lunch mother and she was probably my first introduction to depression. She would sit in the playground during recess and read Harlequin novels with sexy covers, and had completely abandoned keeping up with her dye job so she had hair exactly like Lil Mama. The sad, divorced mom look is not working for her.

Related: Young Rapper With A Plan: Lil Mama Tries To Move Up From Makeup [NY Times]

[New York, April 28. Image via INFdaily.com.]

The Good: Will someone get me O'Neal McNight's sweatshirt? Seriously. Please. Flo-Rida looks hot, rockin' his old-school style. But as the ladymags would say, where is the personal style in this? I'm crushing on hip-hop grandpa Russell Simmons. Never has one little t-shirt looked so little — but also hot! — as it does on Ciara.

The Bad: Sure, Diane Nguyen and Heather Smith have game (they're top poker players, after all) — but really: Couldn't they have added some flair to their 'Rock the Vote' shirts? Likewise, Emily King: Is that a polo shirt with a camo jacket? Are you even trying? Is Rocsi wearing her Madonna costume? Or her Frank Sinatra costume? (Or, worst of all, her Ashlee Simpson costume?!) Dear Valeisha Butterfield: Shiny + bandage dress = Bad idea.

The Ugly: All those colors + all those checkerboard squares = One big headache-inducing Lil Mama outfit.

[Images via FilmMagic.]

Saaphryi — the reality TV veteran kicked off of Flavor of Love 2 for violence less than an hour after entering the house and who then went on to win Charm School — has a funny video/commercial for her signature line of lip balm called Lip Chap, in which she covers Lil Mama's "Lip Gloss," complete with dance scenes in front of lockers. Mind you, Lil Mama is like 16, and Saaphryi says she's 27 (so you know, add like three years to that). Clip above.

Saaphyri's And Her Lip Chap Step It Up [Missbehave]

• In his latest adventure as Liz Clairborne Chief Creative Officer/media love object, Tim Gunn is going on a 6-city tour sponsored by Glamour to showcase Claiborne's new denim line and help women try on jeans and find the "perfect" ones. (Denim: novel, right?) We've always believed all this talk about "perfect" denim is a lie but we'd give that all up just to have Tim Gunn pat our ass. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Marc Jacobs's show for Louis Vuitton — which he also designs; it's so hard to find talent these days! — is Sunday evening and the waiting masses have learned that there is some sort of trashy romance novel theme to the show. We smell literary product placement! [WWD, 3rd item]
  
• David Lynch has tips for wearing those Louboutins he shot so tortuously for an upcoming advertising campaign? Meditation. Because, like, if you just sit Indian style and rub your temples all day you won't notice the pain in your feet. [WWD, 3rd item]
  
• The latest round of Gap's Product (Red) campaign will include images featuring Anne Hathaway. Because nothing screams "impoverished African children" like Anne Hathaway! [MediaPost]

• Deciding it isn't enough to be irrelevant once a month in a disposable medium, Harper's Bazaar has decided to publish a book of style rules. Precisely zero people are waiting in earnest! [WWD, last item]
• Name-checking them in her breakout single "Lip Gloss" paid off! Lil' Mama is doing in-store performances for L'Oreal. [WWD, 2nd item]
• Who are the London fashion thieves? Following break-ins at the Luella, Marc Jacobs, Roger Vivier stores and Christopher Kane's studio, the brand spankin' new FrostFrench flagship store (helmed by Jude Law's ex, Sadie Frost) was also burglarized last night. Hey wait a second, isn't Jude Law in that new jewel thief movie Sleuth? Hmmm.... [Vogue UK]
• We still get kinda sad when legends sell out: Lacroix for Evian. Sigh. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Karl Lagerfeld quote of the day: "All my contracts are for life, so I am like a death row inmate." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Gisele: Likes animals! [Sassybella]

The Good: Rihanna looks hot, even dressed like Barbie; Kim Stolz reminds us why she was maybe our favorite Top Model contestant ever; and Mary J. Blige could teach poor Britney Spears a thing or two on how to be sophisticated and maintain your street cred.

The Bad: Paris Hilton looks weirdly middle-aged; Nelly Furtado is unrecognizable; and Pam Anderson, well, looks like Pam Anderson.

The Ugly: Shanna Moakler's hair puts fear into our hearts; Lil' Mama gave us nightmares; and Kat Von D is to blame, we're sure, for the migraine we've come down with this morning.

And in a new special category, The Stupid: Ah, Miss South Carolina Teen USA. She might have great cleavage, but she doesn't know the difference between The Iraq and The South Africa.

[Images via Filmmagic]

*Lip gloss. Because: Our hair sticks to it. So we look like we're those five year olds who eat their hair until someone tells them hairballs are growing inside their stomachs and they turn to ice cream instead. Also, when we were kids we liked sparkly white Cover Girl lip gloss that our mom called "sperm lips" and we unwittingly told everyone we loved "sperm lips" and they laughed and laughed and...
*The word "gloss." Esp. when employed in puns, music reviews aiming to intellectualize overproduced pop music, the URLs of websites aimed at women.

Yeah, well whatever, forget us, because we're not contributing anything to society in this lifetime. Lil Mama, on the other hand, is a seventeen-year-old rapper who makes us love our enemies — even those in the beauty industry! — so much we think she could be the real inheritor to the title "White Oprah," except she is not white. She is black. Her father "is known as True." We are fucking smitten. Lil Mama needs to, like, get involved in some border war truces or arms negotiations or the Kelly Clarkson/Clive Davis feud, stat.

From Pucker And Pout To Hip-Hop Hit [New York Times]