And yet, as we know, not everyone is. Some very dear friends and relatives and other assorted grinches are glum and, however inexplicable this may seem, these encounters can't be avoided indefinitely. I learned this the hard way this morning, and ended up in tears of frustration and rage. So listen up: however tempting it may be to do a victory dance and rub their faces in the mud and toss "loser!" around like grass seed, here's a better idea.

I read through a slew of old-timey manuals — A 1938 Emily Post, my trusty Miss Manners 1940's Today's Etiquette, The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette and 1937's Etiquette for Every Day, to bring us advice on this subject and created a digest of sorts.* The etiquette books are right about one thing: try to avoid it. Put it off as long as possible. Wait until passions have cooled. Avoid calls. Don't pretend solicitude, don't try to be adult, don't try to convince anyone or assume anybody's mind has been changed by the outpouring of joy and enthusiasm that's swept you up. This isn't only to preserve family harmony; rather, it's a way for you to enjoy things for a little while before reality intrudes.

-Stick to a Script. As with any tricky conversation, this is invaluable advice. Stick to talking points: this is what I did last night; yes, I'm happy; I know this isn't what you wanted but let's all try to be optimistic. (This last bit of inclusive language sounds extra-mature.)

-Keep It Short. THIS IS ESSENTIAL. Things can only go in one direction and that's pear-shaped. Holidays are coming and big fight should be avoided at all costs. Manufacture an excuse to end the call beforehand if possible.

-Do. Not. Gloat. Nearly impossible, true. But empathy is essential here. There's nothing worse than a bad winner.

-Have an exit strategy. This comes courtesy of Anna Post, who advises lines like, "I guess we just don't see eye-to-eye; or: I'll have to consider that; or: For me, it's private."

-End on a good note. If it's a family member, "love" is always a good option. If not, a warm "take care," shows you to be a mature adult who's a fitting representative for her candidate.

*It should be said this all presupposes a certain degree of reason on the part of your conversational partner.

As in any grass-is-always-greener scenario, the clear-cut sartorial guidelines of an office often appeal to me. There are so few rules for dressing nowadays that the idea of a formulaic office dress code stands out as a bastion in a world of sartorial anarchy. It's also true that I think I never had to think less about what I wore than during my stint in the corporate world: blouse, pencil skirt and slingback made for a reliable uniform. Plus, having a job makes it way easier to justify buying clothes.

Nowadays it's another matter. It's a cliche that those fortunate enough to work from home (and believe you us, there are trade-offs) do so in pajamas, and like many cliches it's rooted in truth: your fashion standards atrophy as quickly as your social skills. When polled about their at-home workwear, my Jez colleagues mentioned muumuus. Lack of bras also loomed large. (In case you're wondering, Velvet and Built by Wendy were both cited as good 'blogging muumuu' sources.) In my own case, I favor the sort of papery house coat customarily sported by obese Italian matrons over the age of eighty. My source is an ancient shop run by two equally ancient brothers in an Italian section of Brooklyn, and believe you me, on a hot day nothing breathes like a snap-front cotton sack.

However, since starting my guest tenure as a fashion blogger, I have made a conscious effort to bring my game up a bit. It just seems the height of hypocrisy to critique other women's fashions while sporting boxers and my Mr. Met tee. [Let's! Go! Mets! -Ed.] So, I've instituted rules for myself: I must be fully dressed when I start working; be wearing makeup; and, if at all possible, a bra. As to clothing, I still use lounge wear, but it must be one of the new caftans I recently purchased on eBay, or else silk lounging pajamas (okay, polyester children's pjs from Chinatown, but still) or a kimono. And, whenever possible, a turban. If this seems both arbitrary and needlessly vain, let me just say that the self-employed resort to all sorts of peculiarities to get through the day, and dressing like a crazy old woman is mine.

But back to the business costume. I went to a recent college alumni event in my summer business costume (a vintage sharkskin dress, pearls and cream heels) and was approached by an older alumna. "Are you from Staten Island?" she asked me. "Or New Jersey? I only ask because no native New Yorker dresses up that much for work; I figured you were from the outer boroughs." Clearly the costume needs further researching.

By and large, the first thing you have to understand about getting a job or a raise or the salary that you deserve is that no one is going to give it to you. Like everything else in life, unless you're already filthy rich or well-connected, if you want something badly, you can't just wait or ask nicely, you have to take it. All that shit you learned in grade school about sharing and waiting your turn? Fuck that shit. Your turn is now, and that is your job and they need to give you your money.

1. Never name a number When you're looking for a job, most employers will ask you really early in the process how much money you want. This number gives them several pieces of information, including where you sit in regards to other candidates' salary expectations, whether your current salary fits their idea of experience, and how little they can offer you. However, the number gives you nothing. Never be the first one to mention salary. If they ask for it in a cover letter, say "I consider my salary fully negotiable based on the requirements of the position and the other benefits available." If they ask you to fill out an application and it includes a box in which to delineate your salary history, conveniently forget to add that in. If they ask you outright in the interview to give a number, smile politely and repeat that you consider it negotiable based on the other benefits and how much were they thinking to start. Do not give in. Be inflexible.
2. Always have a back-up plan Yes, it's ironic given my recent job history that I say this, but do not rely on one job. Have your résumé ready if you have a job, and don't stop applying for jobs (or going to interviews) until a contract is signed and you have filled out your health insurance and emergency contact paperwork. Always be looking. Knowing what else is out there — and how much those jobs are paying — will put you in a better negotiating position. You might not get what you want at first, but at least if you've got more than one ball in the air you're not constantly re-starting
3. Always know more than your opponent In a negotiation, you preferably want to know more than the other person about what you need salary-wise, your market value, what they can afford to pay you and why they should pay you more. Know these things, or figure them out before the person on the other side of the table does. This is not a conversation between equals or a time for you to wheedle because you want the job, this is a competition and you have to treat it as such.
4. Be completely willing to walk away In this day and age, few companies are going to be loyal to you, but they will try to indoctrinate you with loyalty to them. Resist. Don't take less that you deserve out of loyalty because 99% of the time in the business world that loyalty is misplaced. If you've been applying for other jobs, going to other interviews, looking at the job market, you know what is out there and what else you can get. If you know going in that you'll walk away if you don't get what you want, it shows in your face. The one salary negotiation (for a raise) that I ever lost was because it was done through a third person and the boss didn't see the whites of my eyes, so he didn't know I'd been interviewing for months and would be gone in 2 if he didn't capitulate. I was. I made 45% more in the new job than they were paying me when I left and 40% more than I'd even been asking to stay.
5. Make them understand why you are worth it When it comes to asking for a raise, build a case. Don't just ask for more money because you're cool. Take the position description you started with and show how you've excelled at that, built the position into something bigger than asked for, taken on more responsibilities, etc. Write it down. If you can't do that — if you can't even bullshit it — seriously question the wisdom of asking for a significant raise. Go in with facts at your disposal, take your performance evaluations and present it in a short (2 pages or less) memo form. In most cases, your boss (assuming you're persuasive) is going to have to advocate with his or her boss as to why you should get more money and to why s/he'll be screwed if you don't. Make that case before s/he has to.

This all sounds really easy and obvious and, for some people, it probably is. Those people, sadly, are mostly men. Negotiating is about being assertive to the point of being aggressive, it's about confrontation and competition, it's about blatant self-promotion and narcissism run amok and many people aren't good at that. But if you are trying to squeeze blood from a stone, you can't worry about getting your hands dirty.

Median Weekly Earnings Of Full-Time Wage And Salary Workers By Detailed Occupation And Sex [Bureau of Labor Statistics]
Interesting Statistics [Women Don't Ask]

Chop vegetables like Penelope Cruz in Volver.
Onions, peppers, garlic cloves and olive oil: are there truer friends in times of economic woe? (Besides Top Ramen duh.) Is there any other aspect of women's work so fundamental to the survival of the species? I dunno, I'm just making excuses, I just think it's sexy.

Choose a perfume.
Floral scents, what can I say: I hate them. Yes, toilet water is an overpriced luxury good, but considering all the cash we blow on overpriced luxury goods dedicated to appealing to one's sense of sight and touch, you'd think we wouldn't be so thoughtless when it comes to the ritual of coughing up a hundred bucks to have that whole other sense covered for the next half year. So go: I may never encourage you to spend money again; spend some quality time at Sephora and come out smelling like something more interesting than a boutique hotel.

Tell the truth.
I can't make it tonight. I have a date. I'm interested in your ex-boyfriend. When you cheated on your husband it really disturbed me. You should maybe look into taking responsibility for your actions. "I would like to put a hit out on your therapist." I know, it's not easy. But isn't that kind of sad?

Withhold information.
Gossip is analogous to bacteria; humankind could not survive without it, but it can be deleterious in an unhealthy context. Get into the habit of withholding a certain amount of pointless amusing information just to keep your immune system in shape.

Take nothing personally.
He didn't do it to hurt you, and if he did, that's fucking weird. Humans are self-obsessed, that's the only reason you think this is about you, when it's really about something that has left people much smarter than us befuddled for millennia now, so you might as well focus on what you can control, which leads me to...

Take yourself personally.
Your persistent low self-esteem: how did it get that way? Were you awkward growing up? Not quick or witty enough? Just ugly? Once you gained a shred of confidence, did you blow your wad seeking out companions you knew would make you feel inadequate? Why? Think you're a narcissist? Or just a weak person? Guess what? We're all different. We're all completely individual assemblages of genetic traits and collected experiences. We're all special, which is precisely what makes us so un-special. If you harbor lingering dissatisfaction with yourself, figuring out what it is is a pretty good way to start coming to terms with that.

Apply makeup without a mirror.
You do this every day, right? Have a little faith in your abilities. Be that girl who is capable of leaving the house on three minutes' notice.

Assemble furniture.
Ikea would not sell $20 billion worth of furniture every year if putting it together was really that hard. It's a pain in the ass, sure. Your ancestors got their water from wells.

Get off.
It has never been easier. There are vibrators at CVS. Porn is an ill-advised Google Image Search away. And really, we all need sex. If you masturbate enough, you'll only seek out casual sex for self-affirmation. And knowing you are doing that will make it a lot easier to handle rejection!

Get hit on politely.
Go ahead and smile, make eye contact; he's probably not trying to rape you. The sexual charge will defuse over time and in the interim you can maybe make a friend. Dudes bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for flirting in this society, just as we bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for looking pretty. Let's be sympathetic to one another, how about?

Cry.
There's an unlimited number of reasons you should. To do anything about any of that you have to stop crying eventually. You'll know when.

On second thought, laugh!
God, don't we feel lame after all that crying? So lame we actually laughed at that Dane Cook bit on the lameness of crying. Anything will make you laugh when you've finally gotten sick of crying, but hey, that's cool, dudes love it when you laugh at your jokes and that heady mix of "no pride" and "no standards" is the essence of funny jokes and good drunken one-night stands. Try to laugh as much as possible.

Know when you truly cannot do something.
And fuck no I am not talking about living heavy objects or figuring out how to use Excel. I'm talking about making as much money as your sorority friends, or having a child by 35, or marrying your boyfriend, or being anything better than mediocre at something you think is important.

Taxes.
I know, I know; I don't do them either. But someday we should all learn for ourselves how to abuse the loopholes in the tax code, right? It's our patriotic duty.

Talk about astrology.
Geminis and Libras get along; Virgos are neurotic; stay away from Scorpio men. It's what passes for Universal Truths these days, and you know what? It's not starting any wars. Maybe because astrology understands that people are fundamentally different, and in order to coexist with them peacefully you've got to not only try to apply the Golden Rule but try to figure out what motivates them, and how they would like to be treated.

Know why talking about astrology is bullshit.
Duh.

Eat.
Praying and loving are good skills to have, too, but if you can't nourish yourself without experiencing a complex range of guilts and fears and anxieties, you need help.

Be alone.
If you're bored, you may be on some level boring. Of course, we all are. Why do you want to hang out with your boring friends anyway? There are a lot of unboring people who have dedicated their lives to making books and movies and videogames to keep you happy.

Break up with someone before you cheat on them.

Tell someone you're mad before you find yourself getting passive-aggressive.
This was the suggestion of my roommate. Ha.

Better yet, ignore the anger.
It will find more useful targets.

Repress.
It's not denial if you are aware you're doing it!

Invest in the stock market.
The ready access to money represented in the constant trading of the global stock markets is the foundation of our economy. So it's not, you know, like fucking football. Much evidence of late points to the idea that women's relative lack of testosterone give us an advantage, especially in markets as jittery as these, when it comes to making money there. And who among us couldn't think of better things to do with a little chunk of Goldman's $21 billion bonus pool?

Have a sincere intellectual conversation with a fellow female.
Talk about post-structuralism, not in the context of The Hills. Talk about the war with someone you aren't trying to fuck. It's kind of thrilling what happens when two people who are biologically predisposed to listen to one another exchange ideas.

Call your mom.
And if you don't have one, or if you're estranged from her; if it's complicated or she's in a mental institution or dead in a car accident, please feel free to call me and remind me what an asshole I am to have the most awesome mom in the universe that I fucking never remember to call.

Okay, that's all. 25. All we need is 50 more and we'll totally reach parity with those highly-skilled Esquire readers! I know you have ideas.

My makeup-addled mind has discovered numerous ways to make the most of this idle time spent applying and removing makeup/clothing and doing hair, and now it's time to share those secrets with you.

Buy a shower radio. No, I am not together enough to have one myself. I don't even have a fucking radio in my house. If I did, maybe I would have showered already. And listened to Marketplace, which I really miss from the days when I had a car. Ha, ha, ha, if only I had a car so I could listen to the radio; that is the kind of thought that makes me really proud to be a girl.

Get Your Makeup Tattooed On. This is something Tracie and I are always threatening to do. When we are drunk, of course. Just on our lips; even when I'm wasted I don't like the idea of a needle lining my eyes. But your lips are durable, and constantly shedding so it wouldn't last that long. Oh, what? Like this is such a much better use of time!

Air: God created it for a reason. And that reason is to dry your hair. WITHOUT THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH-RING IN YOUR EARS SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE BOOK-ON-TAPE. You are listening to some book about Islam and the economy, or something lofty where the information is more important than the prose, I am sure. This is another thing I have never actually done. But I would! If I had to ever look/sound presentable.

ColorStay Lipstick. Buy this before the Chinese discover it is made of lead! Because it really cuts down on the amount of time you spend reapplying/worrying about reapplying lipstick. Most likely because it is made of lead.

Read about wars before squeezing your pores. I've found that, being a girl — and you know how it is hard for girls to comprehend military strategy type stuff — it is easier to keep my facts straight on defense issues if I go squeeze my pores immediately afterwards, with my various rogue pores representing Middle Eastern trouble spots. Like for instance: Iran and Iraq and Saudi are the nose, with Saudi vaguely representing the easiest place to get oil, then Israel is this hormonal pimple in the middle of my left cheek, and then there is this terrible hard-to-reach zone next to my left nostril where blackheads really just dominate the entire region and I would spend more time working on it if only I could see anything there: Afghanistan.

Could You Last A Day Without Make-Up? [Times of London]
Making Up Is Hard To Do [Washington Post]

How many did you count? Anna got 13, I got 14...

Or wait, did you get too distracted by the guy in the gorilla suit to count? Because you know, there was a guy in a gorilla suit and that's what was supposed to happen; you were supposed to see him but the problem is that these days no one notices anything because they're all too busy looking at their Blackberries since they're the only screens small and technologically limited enough to actually convey information anymore.

But take heart! You didn't just double the amount of RAM in your computer because you didn't need to gorge your brain on pointless overstimulation to the point that it didn't require your every ounce of concentration to perform the most menial task. Wait, or maybe you didn't ever want that? Maybe you'd trade in your hard drive for a ditto machine and a purple Trapper Keeper any day if you could? Wait a second, am I still making sense? Can you follow what I'm saying? Nevermind, the point is: you're probably wondering what's going on with your brain that it can't register obvious facts anymore, which is why I Googled that for you. It's called Inattentional blindness, and it's also what happens when you try to drive drunk. Comforting, yes? Is it too early to rejoice in the fact we don't have to drive anywhere?

Okay, so I'm totally her husband. Though in my defense, her cat seems to prefer my room. (And also: this job.) Anyway, here's today's pointless poll: does this look bad to you? And what's the point of being so clean all the time, anyway? And related: what is with the cult of the magic eraser?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Skip Household Chores — For Your Health! [MSNBC]
Women Do Only Four Hours Of Housework A Week [Daily Mail]
They Love To Do Their Homework [LA Times]
Women's Liberation Through Housework [Washington Times]

[Young married women] usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they are less likely to be flirtatious.

When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy.

And this!

Experience indicates that 'husky' girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters!

Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

And yeah, it turns out we were right about everything, especially that last part. Essentially we find pretty much every activity we engage in more unpleasant than men, mainly because we are expected to engage in so many goddamn activities, and specifically spending time with those parents who want to know when we'll finally grow up and find a real job and get married and give them grandchildren so we can get on with taking care of them in old age already.

He's Happier, She's Less So [NY Times]

Prozac Advertisement Vintage by Adbusters

Sometimes it's a statement of fact, but more often these days it's a euphemism for "what you do when you possess the attention span of a five-year-old." The patina of tech-savvy well-roundedness only makes it seem more like another way The Man is trying to force you into mindless fembotry.

Here's a quote from the story. Did we read it? Let's just say we skimmed it thoughtfully, because that's how the author meant for us to read it when he was writing it while checking his email and bidding on those Bose speakers and listening to Stern. It's about a survey of women as to what they feel their competitive advantages over men in the workplace might be.

The first query was: What intrinsic qualities do women have that give them a competitive edge over men?
By an overwhelming margin, the trait they touted most was their multitasking expertise."I challenge any man to talk on the phone, send a fax, reply to an e-mail, change a diaper, get a toddler a snack, monitor what your school-age children are watching on TV and add to the grocery list — all at the same time," wrote Heather Lawrence.

Wome Take Off The Gloves And Come Out Multitasking [NY Times]