Life & Style
"How We Make It Work!" Despite repeated headlines like "Breaking Point!, this week, the mag declares that Angelina and Brad are "Happier Than Ever." Moving on: Britney is filming some kind of reality show or documentary for MTV. That photo op where she presented a check to the school in The Bronx? That'll be on it. Madonna and A-Rod could be "back on" since they had dinner together last week. Is Janet Jackson canceling concerts because she is sick? Or because tickets are not selling and she doesn't want to see half-empty arenas? Rihanna and Chris Brown: Moving in together! They're looking at apartments in Sierra Towers on Sunset Boulevard.
Grade: F (hair-in-a-can)


In Touch
"Britney's Humiliating Betrayal." An insider says, "Kevin and Shar are having sex." Shar as in Jackson, Kev's ex-girlfriend and baby mama. A friend reveals that Kevin, who got about $13 million in his divorce settlement from Britney, pays for all of Shar's stuff: her rent, her phone bill and her day-to-day expenses. Which means that Britney's paying. Sigh. Moving on: Katie Holmes wants to move to New York. A source says, "Broadway has turned Katie into independent woman. LA is Tom's turf, but Katie feels more in control in New York." She's looking at apartments! Angelina and Brad want to adopt a daughter from Haiti, and they want a girl who is younger than Zahara. Right now, they have a total of six nannies. Also, a source says: "Behind closed doors, they're at each other's throats." Lastly: Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical just bought a $3 million house in Studio City, CA: She is 19.
Grade: D- (toupee)


OK!
"Casey Breaks His Silence: I'm No Cheater." The mag interviewed Casey and Jamie Lynn and went through each girl he was accused of sleeping with. Casey denies ever having sex with other chicks, like Kelli Dawson or Whitney Seals. He says: "There was never another girl pregnant ever. I'm 19. Jamie's the only girl I've ever had pregnant." Jamie Lynn says that one of those girls sold her story and in a small town, when one person does it, everyone decides, good idea. Casey and Jamie Lynn are engaged but they won't get married for a while, because they want their daughter, Maddie to be part of the ceremony. Casey is a full-time student at Southwest Mississippi Community College studying process technology, which prepares you to work on a pipeline. Jamie Lynn wants to get a business degree. Next: "They're Just That Into Drew!" is a charticle detailing Ms. Barrymore's many, many hookups. Some of these people are on the infamous herpes chart. (Fig 1). Lastly, in "How To Look Tall And Slim," the magazine explains how to do an angled hands-on-hips/one foot forward pose à la Victoria Beckham. Servicey!
Grade: D (plugs)


Us
"How She Got Thin Fast" This story begins as a vertical poster centerfold of two pictures — front and side view — of Angelina Jolie at the premiere of The Changeling. The story goes on to say that the family used to eat processed food like pizza and Hot Pockets and now they don't. But there is a picture of Shiloh holding Cheetohs. The mag says when Angie does break down and eat junk food with the kids, she uses portion control. Moving on: "Audrina vs. Lauren: It's War!" As we know, there is a rumor that LC slept with Justin Bobby. A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own." Spencer talked to Us and said: "The truth is, I did know about this, and chose to say nothing out of respect for Audrina's feelings." He is such a good person. Next: "Jen Vs. Britney: Guess The Body!" Now that Spears is super-svelte, can you tell her apart from Aniston? (Hint: Yes.) (Fig 2). Kendra Wilkinson was seen making out with Joe Francis in Miami. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels say they're gonna get hitched now that gay marriage is legal in California. They exchanged vows in 2003 and have 4 children. Exclusive interview with Travis Barker, from the hospital! "I'm trying to have a quick recovery and play the drums again and be able to hold my kids again," he says. He had to stop being a vegetarian, because after his first three surgeries, the grafts would not take to his skin, due to his low levels of protein. He thinks if his last surgery goes well, he should be out of the hospital in the next two weeks. Lastly: Even though there were jokes about the obese child on Desperate Housewives, played by an actual obese child, the show's creator says: "We are not making fun of childhood obesity. We were trying to paint a portrait of a woman who doesn't know how to deal with her daughter's problem."
Grade: D+ (comb over)


Star
"Angie's Secret Tummy Tuck!" Angelina Jolie told some friends she had a "mommy tuck." It was done right after the birth of her twins and she recovered in the hospital for a few days. Then she spent the next two months healing at home. Says an insider: "She had a hard time sitting still and couldn't stop picking up the babies, so the stitches opened up a few times and doctors had to come fix it. She had a really tough, painful recovery. But now she's doing fine." Next: Peter Krause has been chasing Lucy Liu around the set of Dirty Sexy Money. The story called "Why She Can't Find A Man: Jen's Secret Struggle" is all about how poor Aniston has unrealistic expectations because no one can live up to Brad Pitt. Lastly, "I Married A Star" is a photo list of unfamous people who married famous people: Matt Damon's wife, Nicolas Cage's wife, Tina Fey's husband.
Grade: C (extensions)


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OK!
"How I Got My Body Back!" A Britney exclusive. With new photos. How to lose 12 pounds in 30 days. There are "exclusive" shots of Brit on a treadmill and sitting on a horse. Here's how to lose weight: Don't eat sugar, including fruit, and only eat 1200 calories a day. Have grilled chicken breast with raw organic broccoli for lunch.
Grade: F- (nails on a chalkboard)

Life & Style
"Living Separate Lives." Actually, the whole story is on the cover: "Six days together, 15 days apart, Tom's in LA, Katie's in New York. Tense and tired, they're desperate to make it work!" Also inside: Rare photographs of Scarlett Johansson kissing fiancé Ryan Reynolds! (Fig 1.) Next: Britney has been sober for 201 days, can you believe it? It was January 3 when she was taken to the hospital in tears. How things have changed! Moving on: Joel Madden invited Mary-Kate Olsen back to his tour bus to show her pictures of Harlow. Then Joel told Nicole Richie about it on the phone and she freaked out. Lastly: A random quote from Calum Best re: Lindsay Lohan: "I hope I didn't turn her gay."
Grade: D (microphone feedback)


Us
"Tears, Joy & Scandal." Intern Margaret says that the info about Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin in this mag is only the "untold story" if you haven't been watching the Olympics on NBC. Plus! This story was written before the gymnastics ended (last night) so it's obviously not the full story. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer: "The Split Gets Nasty." Intern Margaret thinks Jennifer Aniston wrote this article. A "confidant" says: "This is not high school, but for some reason, John seems to think the whole world should know who ended the relationship." Another source says Jen dumped John because she thought he was tipping off the paparazzi to their location. Apparently things weren't totally dunzo until John made that long-ass video statement to the press. Now, a source says, "Consider the door slammed. Jennifer needs some time to herself. When she's ready, she needs to find a mature man, ready for a grown-up relationship." Noted. Us also points out that OK! repeatedly misled readers about Jen's love life (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lindsay Lohan is obsessed with Facebook? Next! Sharon Stone is dating a man half her age: She is 50, he is 25. Joel Madden was seen hanging out with Mary-Kate Olsen, whom he finds "amusing." Lastly: Verne Troyer is getting his own reality show. "It's about being a dwarf in Hollywood," he says. Imagine that!
Grade: D+ (dentist drill)


In Touch
"Brad Storms Out." Intern Margaret and I were sure that we had seen this cover before, but we could not find it. (We did find "Brad Walks Away", also on In Touch.) This time, they're fighting because Angelina's nerves are shattered and she might have post-partum depression. Brad goes out drinking and she yells at him when he comes home late smelling like smoke. She made him sleep in another bedroom. But! The day after their "fight" they were seen at a restaurant in the South of France holding hands through dinner and being very affectionate. So. Next: The Jennifer Aniston post-breakup status: "She wasn't hurt at all. She feels fine." Also, "Mohawks run in the family" for Joel and Harlow Madden (Fig. 3). Britney went to see Robin Thicke at the House of Blues in Hollywood and Justin was there with Jessica Biel! Britney wanted to get his attention but Justin never turned around, so they left without ever seeing each other, sigh. Okay, so The Hills castmates are fighting over money. Lauren Conrad gets $75,000 per episode, which comes to $1.4 million for the entire season, but she says, "I couldn't even tell you how much my friends make." Lastly: Jamie Lynn Spears has either "walked out" of her relationship with Casey Aldridge or just gone to her mom's house to visit.
Grade: C- (shrieking children)


Star
"Jen Turns To Brad." See, Jen was upset about her breakup with John Mayer, so she called Brad's mom, with whom she has maintained a friendship. Brad's mom was at Brad and Angie's chateau in France. Brad happened to walk into the room and his mom handed him the phone, so he ended up comforting Jen in her time of need. A source says,"He told her that John's probably not the right guy for her, he suggested that she stop trying so hard to meet someone before she turns 40. He told her there is no deadline, that she is a beautiful, wonderful person and the right guy is out there." At the end of the call, Brad said, "Of course we're still friends, call if you need me." Angelina was happy Brad was there for Jen and she's okay with them being friends. Hahaha! Moving on: Jamie Lynn, Runaway Bride! After hearing that Casey was cheating on her, JLS has decided to move to L.A. with baby Maddie. Britney's encouraging it! One of Casey's friends told the mag: "Casey's the kind of guy who will come to your party, drink all your beer, hit on your girlfriend and bounce." Eric "Dr. McSteamy" Dane and Rebecca Gayheart: Marriage on the rocks! She's checked into Chateau Marmont. Blind item! "Which actress is mulling over getting a nose job after another minor surgery went so well? Sources say she plans to get her schnoz fixed and is already shopping for docs in NYC." Next: Ashlee Simpson-Wentz went to the doctor and found out she's gained more weight than is considered healthy. She freaked out and bought six pairs of size zero jeans as weight-loss motivation. She's pregnant, btw. Here's a great caption on a picture of Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "Lindsay fell for Sam's protective nature, telling friends, 'She's the father I never had.'" Brad and Angelina sent blushing brides Ellen and Portia a present and an arrangement of white orchids and roses in a crystal vase — with one yellow rose, symbolizing friendship. Close friend Ryan Seacrest missed the ceremony but made the reception. Lastly, and random: While Ryan Cabrera was with Ashlee Simpson, he was banging Audrina Patridge! He was cheating on both of them. It was all over by the summer of 2006.
Grade: C (creaky door)


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Becoming a lifeguard involved no small amount of courage for me, as I was a really big dork, and lifeguards tend to be Abercrombie people, something I vaguely aspired to be, until I realized they thought Dave Matthews was really good. Becoming a pool operator also involved some sort of basic chemistry test, where I learned boys really do think you're stupid if you're blonde (lifeguarding involved becoming very blonde) and will be utterly shocked if you outperform them on a science test, even if they are incredibly incredibly dumb. (Boys never realize how dumb they actually are.)

Being a lifeguard involved a lot of swinging around a whistle and accidentally hurling it into people's eyes and such, and being stalked by kids in crappy condominium complexes off Route 1. No one liked to work those pools — they wanted big middle-class country clubs, with social lives and shit — but they paid better. So you'd periodically find yourself wheedled into a few shifts at, say, Meadow Woods — "Ghetto Woods," it had been so cleverly nicknamed — thrust into the disturbing position of keeping company to kids who clung to lifeguards with the sort of immediacy reserved to kids who know you will abandon them. As I grew bored of Dave Matthews, I grew fonder of those kids.

The summer job is supposed to instill in high schoolers a deep-seated sense of the imperative of a college eduction. Working minimum wage jobs is so taxing, the legend has it, that you'll never want to drop out having worked one. But a part of me — uh, probably the lobe that houses caffeine addiction — wanted to stay at my most taxing summer job, at a busy Starbucks, forever. It was enforced laziness that made me want to get out. And I am a fucking lazy person.

But laziness is a double-edged sword. I might have liked the The Iliad had I read it in a more controlled climate; I should have read more when my brain was not so damaged. Instead lifeguards taught me new ways to damage it, and I got my last tan and learned a little about how fucking depressing life is when you slow it down a few speeds.

Sink Or Swim [WSJ]

Teens Face A Tough Market For Summer Jobs [MSNBC]
Related: Economists React: "Teen Angst" Or Playing "Catch Up" In Jobless Rate? [WSJ]

Earlier: Jesus Died On The Cross So You Would Tip Your Damn Barista, Fox News

• Winona Ryder is speaking out now about her shoplifting. Honestly? No one gives a shit. [People]
  
• In the UK, one in four 18-to-25-year olds cannot answer the following question: What is one eighth of 32? [BBC]
  
• Al-Qaeda said to be "stepping-up" its presence in the U.S. Please God, no one tell Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The thought of her ranting and raving about this is scarier than the threat of a terrorist act itself. [BBC]
  
• Memo to Hillary: The woman who is to be India's first female president - not so popular. [NYT]
  
• Harry Potter the book? Too long. Harry Potter the movie? Too heavy-handed. But Harry Potter the postage stamp? Now we're talking! [USA Today]

• And meanwhile, Harry Potter is also the latest problem to afflict Israel, with the new book being released on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. Religious leaders = not happy. And now we wonder, are there that many Orthodox rabbis worried about whether Snape is evil or not? [USA Today]
• The lawyer with TB who claimed he had no idea he was contagious had surgery to help treat his condition today. Um, too little too late, bub. [CNN]
• The current crop of Republican presidential candidates? Losers, all of 'em. [CNN]
• 2 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

This fabulous fashion work comes from the tab that just axed EIC Debra Birnbaum so they could focus less on life and more on style. Hubert Boehle, Bauer's CEO who described the mag as "the style weekly," tapped new EIC Mark Pasetsky, a p.r. dude with no previous editorial or fashion experience. Hmmm...

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