OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




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Life & Style
"Finally, A Baby!" The only cover not to focus on Rihanna features an absurd story that claims Jennifer Aniston is trying to get pregnant because she's been visiting Dr. Mary C. Kerr, the "ob-gyn to the stars." She's so serious about having a baby that she invited Kerr to her birthday party, since everyone knows socializing with your doctor increases your fertility. Except, she's been seeing Kerr for years and the doctor was probably at the party because she's married to the producer of Jen's next movie. Moving on: Poor Gisele Bundchen. Before her wedding to Tom Brady she was forced to use the public bathrooms in the elementary school attached to the church. A student reports, "she was laughing and looked happy." Rihanna took Chris Brown back partly because she cares about him, and partly "because she can't bear the thought of him with another girl." An insider says, "Rihanna's promised to do everything she can to get Chris off the hook legally ... She's even instructed family members to speak out in full support of her decision." Her team is worried fans will turn on her for taking him back, but she won't listen to anyone. Next: Here's an update on Robert Pattinson's terribly tragic life. He's been flirting with every girl he comes into contact with, and a friend says, "He goes home with a lot of different girls." But the pal adds: "He's not sure who wants to date him for him - and who wants to date him just because he's famous." The next story is pretty much summed up in the title: "Britney begs: Daddy, set me free!" Dr. Drew and his wife Susan, who are the parents of triplets, have reached out to Nadya Suleman. They dropped off a case of powdered Similac and 400 diapers. But, they say that doesn't mean they agree with what Suleman did. Doug Reinhardt bought Paris Hilton a $10,000 dog. Beyonce, Gisele Bundchen, and Kim Kardashian like spicy food, and the magazine claims it's because hot food speeds up your metabolism. Finally, Dr. Rey's heinous casebook asks, "Who has the best chest in Hollywood?" The bad doctor says Kim Kardashian's 34Ds are "fabulous," but Sarah Jessica Parker's 34Cs looked "squished" at the Oscars. Also, Lauren Conrad would look better with Nicole Richie's boobs. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (Flipping over the game board in disgust)

OK!
Though this cover promises "exclusive first photos of Rihanna in Miami with Chris," the lone picture of the couple at the Miami airport is so blurry that none of their facial features are distinguishable. (Fig. 2) The blobs may be holding hands, but the mag helpfully drew a giant arrow on the pictures so even that's unclear. The accompanying article talks about how Diddy felt compelled to help the two lovebirds out because, according to a friend of Diddy's, "While he doesn't condone Chris's behavior, he believes people make mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance." Also, Chris is recording his next CD and a friend reports, "He's been writing the things bottled up in his mind." Ugh. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston told OK! "I am totally over Brad." Who knows when she said it, but according to the mag, Angie and Jen's Oscar night non-run in "brought a sense of closure that could not be achieved in the near half-decade of coy quips." Jeremy Piven was spotted eating calamari salad and tuna tartare. In the story "NO Engagement Ring For Jess" the mag prints this sentence: "Tony Romo refuses to 'put a ring on it.'" Finally, there's a two page spread titled, "Is LC the New Jen?" Both Lauren Conrad and Jennifer Aniston have had their heart broken, love the beach, and date their co-stars. So obviously, that's a yes.
Grade: D- (Missing puzzle pieces)

Us
"Rihanna Her Side" mostly reveals how upset her friends and family are about her decision to take Chris Brown back. One disgusted friend says Chris gave her a diamond bracelet. "It's his way of saying sorry. She's worth more than that," says the friend. Rihanna's mom, Beyonce, and Oprah have reached out to Rihanna but she's not listening. Jay-Z is trying to set up a meeting for her with Tina Turner. Another insider says Rihanna is using makeup to cover up her injuries and she thinks her nose is uneven now so she's considering a nose job. Us notes that while last week, Star claimed that Rihanna is pregnant, they could only find one source to confirm the story, saying, "they have been talking nonstop because she's expecting and trying to figure out what to do with the baby." In an exclusive interview, Lauren Conrad talks about leaving The Hills and as the mag says, "hanging up her headband." Gisele Bundchen didn't tell anyone in her family about her secret wedding to Tom Brady. A source says, "many of us are angry." Bridget Moynahan is also annoyed because Tom didn't tell her he was taking their son to his wedding when he picked him up, and Bridget introduced him to the church they got married at, and she still goes there. On the bright side, Gisele wore a custom designed Dolce & Gabanna gown and the mag has a blurry picture. (Fig. 3) Finally, there is a 47 question crossword puzzle devoted entirely to Jennifer Aniston. Here's 32 down: Four letters, "Jen's breasts are ____"
Grade: D (Dog eating your Monopoly money)

In Touch
In "Why We Got Back Together" an insider describes Chris and Rihanna's reunion: "They were crying and hugging and kissing. It was a tender moment. You can tell they are really in love, in spite of what may have happened. Chris kept saying over and over again how much he loves her." Though they were at Sean Combs Miami mansion, a friend insists Diddy didn't try to reunite Chris and Rihanna saying, "He had nothing to do with it." So, they just broke in to his house? A sidebar says: "Fans are disappointed with Rihanna." Fans like those on JEZEBEL.COM. (Fig. 4) We've finally arrived! Moving on: "Jon and Kate [of Plus 8 fame]'s marriage is falling apart." Jon has been spending time at his mom's house three hours from his home with Kate, and partying with local college kids. He was overheard telling a girl he was hitting on, "we might be getting a divorce," and, "Kate is a bitch. She's so compulsive and Type A." Jennifer Aniston checked into a Paris hotel she stayed at five years ago with Brad, because clearly she's still in love with him. Portia de Rossi says that she and Ellen are not trying to get pregnant. It "could not be further from the truth," she says. "The IVF story was just completely made up." Dina Lohan and Lindsay's friends are planning an intervention to urge her to go back to rehab. A witness says she's a "walking skeleton" and she's been partying non-stop, accompanying Sam to DJ gigs. "Lindsay has always said her issue was not with alcohol, so she is fine to drink," says a friend, "she thinks she can control it." Next: Brad and Angelina's brood is "getting in the way of the romance." Were you aware that Angelina isn't as sexy as she once was? (Fig. 5) Nicole Kidman was wearing a loose fitting dress, so she must be pregnant. It's the same logic behind the full page diagram "Pizza or Pregnant." (Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (Spilling Scrabble tiles on the floor)

Star
SECRET WEDDING! Chris "literally fell to his knees," tearfully apologizing when he was first reunited with Rihanna. An insider says, "He tenderly wiped [her tears] away and kissed her face, which was still slightly bruised. He just kept whispering, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'" Yes, the mag actually gives a romanticized account of their reunion. Another source says he told her she was his "queen" and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. The mag writes: "She saw remorse in his eyes and accepted his apology and proposal on the spot." They exchanged vows before a priest, and though the wedding wasn't exactly legal, they are planning to have another ceremony soon. Also, the mag zooms in on an often reprinted photo of Rihanna on the red carpet the day before the beating, revealing that she had a suspicious cut on her wrist at the time. (Fig. 7) Moving on: Salma Hayek married Francois-Henri Pinault because she wants to have another baby. An insider says Pinault, "adores [their daughter] Valentina. But he cherishes his freedom. He doesn't want to be tied down with dirty diapers and late-night feedings." Their solution was to get married, on the condition that Salma be the primary caregiver to both the kids and live in L.A. while he stays in Paris. Oprah is turning to hypnotism to lost weight. "While in an trance, Oprah will be asked to recall childhood memories of the first time she was tempted by fattening goodies." Blind item: Which pretty twenty-something actress recently got dumped by her reality TV star boyfriend - and consoled herself by jumping into bed with another small-screen hunk? More on "Jon - Minus Kate, Plus 8." In addition to partying with college students on several occasions, Jon Gosselin went out to dinner with his mom and demanded a different waitress because he wanted another woman who was younger and more attractive. Jon's mom flipped when he started flirting with a divorced woman at the bar and was overheard saying, "Stop acting like a fool. I will not cover for you!" Jon left with the woman, but they got into a fight at a nearby bar and he left her "crying hysterically." Next: Though Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their engagement, she slept at the house they shared for two nights after they officially split. A friend says: "Megan can't cut Brian out of her life cold turkey because the sex is too good!" In closing, the six page story "Look Who's Twittering Now!" delves into the social networking habits of John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Lily Allen, and admitted Twitter addict Ashton Kutcher.
Grade: C (Cramming extra kids into your car in the Game of Life)


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This week, the mags are about 90 percent celebrity weight loss stories and 10 percent entirely made up cover stories about stars who might get married, reproduce, or not reproduce in 2009. Below, we pick out the small bits of gossip sprinkled like confetti throughout the pages of Ok!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Us
It's unclear why the mag describes the 28 pages of blathering about celebrity diets as a "bonus" on the cover, since that makes up almost the entire issue. Here's some New Year's Eve advice: If you want to look like Britney or Jennifer Aniston just start eating fish ... and doing two hours of yoga per day. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a "baby weight winner" because she lost 20 lbs by obsessively working out and insisting she has celiac disease. Hef once told Kendra from The Girls Next Door that she was getting fat and suggested she hit the gym. Charming. Here's some actual gossip: After a W magazine photo shoot with model Jesus Luz, Madonna invited the 20-year-old to a party in Brazil where they kissed, hugged, and danced until 5:30am, when they both retired to Madge's hotel room. A source says, "she goes after the youngest, hottest thing around," so it looks like 33-year-old A-Rod is out. Is Drew Barrymore dating Jason Segel? Segel's rep says they're just friends, but at the very least they're friends who make out at Chateau Marmont.
Grade: F (Standing out in the snow for hours to see the ball drop)

Ok!
Brad "longs to hold another infant" but Ok! theorizes that since Angie reportedly developed preeclampsia and gestational diabetes and had two emergency C-sections, having another biological child would be risky. Brad will have to settle for holding the two six-month-old babies he has at home or the African infant he is possibly adopting. Next: In an interview with the mag Alanis Morisette reveals that she lost 20 lbs by following a vegan diet. The mag says realizing she had gained weight was harder for Alanis to swallow than a "Jagged Little Pill." Sigh. Sort of moving on: Even more diet tips! Ok! suggests if you want to look like the stars you should become a professional dancer like Julianne Hough, breastfeed and have six kids like Angie, or get some plastic surgery like Heidi Montag. We finish with 12-pages of 2009 horoscopes. They advise that if you're a cancer, "the stork could drop by for a visit, especially after October 29." So should we be looking for a baby bump on cancers Ashley Tisdale, Meryl Streep, and Harrison Ford?
Grade: F+ (Having to watch a few minutes of Ryan Seacrest to see the ball drop on TV)

Life & Style
The cover claims they have the first photos of Bronx Mowgli, but it's just that picture Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put online a few days ago. False advertising! Next up, brace yourselves: George Clooney went to dinner with Paris Hilton two nights in a row and an insider says "they definitely plan to get together in the new year." Paris's new BFF came on both "dates" and Ridley Scott and Marvel studios chairman David Maisel were in attendance for the second dinner, so we're hoping for George's sake this was just business. Moving on: K-Fed didn't want to let the boys visit Britney on various stops during her upcoming tour, so Brit invited Kevin to join them. The pair did fall in love on tour, but a friend points out that Kevin's relationship with his bowling teammate is getting pretty serious. Mandy Moore and DJ AM split up again. Finally, the best celebrity weight loss story of the week: "Obama Shapes Up to Be President." An Obama insider describes how the future president shed a few pounds by not having to eat "corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair or ribs in Austin, Texas," like he did on the campaign trail. Yes, there is a shirtless before and after picture. (Fig. 1)
Grade D- (Noisemaker-induced temporary deafness)

Star
Nicole Richie is planning on conceiving a second child, so like most moms-to-be she's taking pre-natal vitamins, dropping her intense vegan diet, and sketching maternity clothes she'll have made for herself. In other news, Katie Holmes spent her 30th birthday alone because Tom Cruise was away promoting Valkyrie. Katie is stressed and exhausted (as evidenced by a cold sore on her lip) because Tom nixed a ladies-only spa weekend with her mom and girlfriends. Next: Angelina Jolie's long-time bodyguard Michey Brett quit recently because he clashed with Brad, and now he's threatening to write a tell-all book. Judging from his revelation that Brad and Angie forced him to buy them supplies from a sex shop, including "kinky rubber suits and face masks," it's going to be a good read. Moving on: Anne Hathaway has been dating boyfriend Adam Shulman for a few months, which clearly means they'll be getting married in 2009. Star thinks Anne is trying to send secret messages about her impending wedding because her most recent projects are Rachel Getting Married, Bride Wars, and the upcoming film The Fiance. Blind Item: Which Disney heartthrob better pass next time someone offers him a puff? The teen's taste for pot has become a real problem on the set of his latest project. Finally, some celebrities have hideous physical flaws that the editors of Star would like to point out to you. Victoria Beckham had some gunk in her ear, Kelly Rowland forgot to shave her armpits once before hitting the red carpet, and J.Lo has some back fat. How dare they.
Grade: D (Champagne headache)

In Touch
Jen and Angelina are in a made-up race to the altar, which means the mag has to plan two made-up weddings! Jen is going to make it a classy affair by borrowing Girls Gone Wild host Joe Francis's Mexican villa for a spring wedding. Angie wants her fake wedding to be smaller and will wed in September at Chateau Miraval with only family in attendance. Moving on: In Touch has an exclusive interview with Tori Spelling called, "How I got my bikini body back" which we did not read because it involves photos of a bikini-clad Spelling making sexy faces and we had to turn the page. In the requisite article about Jessica Alba losing the baby weight they use a photo of her pregnant for the "before" and the photoshopped Campari ad for the "after." Ha! Next up: OMG. "Is Oprah too hung up on Obama?" Oprah's friendship with the president-elect is described as "oddly close" and there is a sidebar pondering if Stedman and Michelle might be jealous. A psychiatrist who doesn't treat anyone involved says Stedman and Michelle "likely realize they can't relate to Oprah and Barack on a certain level because the pals share the "loneliness-at-the-top syndrome, which could draw them closer." Finally, "Hollywood's hooked on hookers." This article is like a three page blind item, with both gay and straight prostitutes recounting their adventures with anonymous A-list stars. We most want to know the identity of the straight "manly man" whose dominatrix invited gay porn star Nick Capra to her "dungeon" to see how far she could make her celebrity "slave" go.
Grade: D+ (Confetti in your underwear)

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We wonder: is it worse that Ok! settled in for their long winter's nap last week with a double issue, or that the editors at the other mags have obviously been sleeping on the job? This week's cover stories are all about bodies: reducing the size of them, growing babies in them, taking them to the beach, and of course, pumping them full of drugs. We attempt to extract some holiday cheer from the sack full of coal that is Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.









Us
Before you sit down to your Christmas ham (or non-denominational Chinese food feast), Us would like to remind you that those holiday calories do, in fact, count. So here are some novel ideas from this year's Biggest Loser, in case you find you need to lose half your size in 2009: eat less and move more. Moving on: Madonna was only attracted to A.Rod because of the secrecy, and now a source says "she's totally lost interest." As have we. Next: Some stars got married this year, while others chose to spawn. To relive all the vicarious excitement, you can check out the mag's 16 page year-end filler special. Bonus: A complex two page chart (Fig. 1) that lists by month the 88 couples who either broke up or hooked up in 2008. Major points to anyone who can combine this with the infamous herpes tree.
Grade: F (Stepping on a shattered tree ornament)

In Touch
Katie Holmes tugged her shirt down in public, so obviously she is 12 weeks pregnant. A British tourist who spotted her in the street confirms, "She definitely had a baby bump." Next: Britney is suffering from stage fright because she's worried she can't live up to her fans' expectations. They're doping her up with two different anti-anxiety medications, so it looks like the show will go on. K-Fed is dating a girl from his bowling team. Sort-of-famous person Brandon Davis reports that there are different rules for celebrities in swanky rehab facilities. He says during his four times in treatment he's been allowed to keep his cell phone and has been offered drugs by other patients. "I can only imagine how easy it would be for a huge star in rehab to get away with things, like using drugs," he says.
Grade: D- (Discovering your dog has downed some tinsel)

Life & Style
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has been hitting the Hollywood party circuit and and a pal says, "he's drunk every night by 6:30pm." As for his co-star Kristen Stewart, "It's no secret that Kristen likes to unwind by smoking pot," says an insider. Could their antics jeopardize the sequel? Next: White House family feud! As previously reported in more reputable news sources, the Obama's asked to move into Blair House, the president's guest residence across the street from the White House, two weeks before the inauguration so that the kids could start school on time. And the Bushes shot them down! Former White House social secretary Leticia Baldridge advises that etiquette-wise, the Bush family was in the right. "They can stay in a hotel," she says. Burn. Moving on: The Jolie-Pitts have decided to leave America permanently for France, which isn't all that shocking since they're returning to Chateau Miraval, which they had already leased for three years. In other news, despite reports that their marriage is on the rocks, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony enjoyed a romantic dinner in L.A. last week. "They definitely looked like they were celebrating something," says an onlooker. J.Lo's triumphant return to the tabloid A-list last week, perhaps? Halle Berry is trying for baby number two according to the salesgirl at a Vancouver lingerie shop. Berry joked, "it's baby making time!" as she was leaving the store. This week in Dr. Rey's obnoxious plastic surgery case book: Kate Moss would look better with Blake Lively's legs, because all women are just a collection of interchangeable Mr. Potato Head parts. Lastly, everyone's being hit hard by the recession, but there is some good news: Celebs like Heidi Montag are getting paid less to appear at parties.
Grade: D (Extended family inquiring about your relationship status)

Star
The one good thing about the summer being over is that you'd think for at least eight months you wouldn't see a celebrity's cellulitey ass staring back at you on the check out line. But the laziness of Star's editors knows no season! Miley Cyrus is a "worst" because the 16-year-old wasn't showing enough skin. Ewan McGregor has the "worst fish belly," whatever that is, because he's not that tan nor are his abs chiseled. In actual gossip, the reason Nicole Kidman is rarely spotted with her kids Isabella and Connor is that Tom Cruise had secret papers drawn up that limit her visitation rights. She needs Tom's approval to go anywhere with the kids, Tom reads the emails she sends them, and he had to pre-approve her new husband Keith Urban before the kids were allowed to visit. Nicole agreed to sign the papers and keep her mouth shut because she knew Tom would blacklist her in Hollywood and ruin her career. Sad blind item: "Which little actress has big plans to squash the recent pregnancy rumors? She's started using laxatives to get back to her usual scary skinny look." Next: though the mag had elaborately planned out an entirely made up wedding for Jennifer Aniston in Los Cabos, they've decided they'd rather pretend Jen is getting married in the Greek Orthodox church, because "Jen's Big Fat Greek Wedding" makes a better headline. Moving on: If J.Lo and Marc Anthony divorced, she would definitely keep the twins, but they'll never divorce because she doesn't want to have a third failed marriage, so ... yeah. And finally, Star closes out 2008 with a 15 page story on celebrities' insane maple syrup diets and 8 hour workout sessions, which frankly, we could not read because we're off to down a massive amount of cookies and eggnog before Santa gets his grubby mitts on them.
Grade: D+ (A cookie jar full of broken off gingerbread man legs)

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But recall if you will, a time before Brangeliniston, before even Brangelina, in which our attention was held rapt by Bennifer and one notorious derriere. Yes, J.Lo is back from the clutches of suburban motherhood and she left her wedding ring at home. Does it mean her marriage to Marc Anthony on the rocks, or is J.Lo just letting us know that she would like us to pay attention to her again? We swallow a heaping dose of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.

OK!
Have you heard? "Jen's Obsessed With Angie." Also obsessed: the dozens of other publications from which this cover story was crudely cobbled together. Johnny Depp went shopping at a high-end jewelry store in California, which clearly means he's picked out a ring for Vanessa Paradis, his girlfriend of a decade and mother of his two children. The next 28 pages are devoted to a recap of the most important people and events 2008, as chosen by panelists Christian Siriano, Ann Curry, Diddy, and Lauren Conrad. And if that's not enough to convince you that everyone at OK! drank too much at the holiday party and called in sick on Monday, there is a peek into the "private world" of Clyde, the canine star of Marley & Me.
Grade: F (Drilling a hole in the head)

Life & Style
The six page "lump of coal" cover story "Baby's First Christmas" describes how celebs who have recently spawned are spending the holidays. The Jolie-Pitt kids are getting 1980s-style arcade rooms installed in their multiple homes, Pete Wentz bought 1-month-old Bronx Mowgli his first $5,000 electric guitar, and Nicole Richie's daughter Harlow is stuck with wooden blocks. The stars have shocking and bizarre Christmas traditions like opening presents, listening to Bing Crosby records, and spending time with their families. Next: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin haven't been spotted together since Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding in April. Could their marriage be on the rocks? The mag helpfully points out that the holidays are a stressful time that could push a couple to the breaking point. Britney wants more plastic surgery. A "friend" says she's "dying to have her boobs lifted" and wants lipo on her butt and inner thighs. Michael Jackson has blown his billion dollar fortune and will be auctioning some of his most prized possessions in April. Here are some financial lessons you can learn from Michael: caring for your four giraffes costs about $12,000 per year and settling a child molestation case may run you more than $25 million. Moving on: Life & Style talks with Kate Walsh of Grey's Anatomy fame about her divorce from Alex Young, her husband of 15 months. Here's the "exclusive interview" in its entirety: "At the moment, for obvious reasons, I don't want to talk about my relationship with Alex or our divorce." Tara Reid checked herself into rehab at Promises in Malibu for reasons unknown. In the latest infuriating installment of Dr. Rey's plastic surgery casebook the bad doctor suggests that Nicollette Sheridan may look younger with Gwyneth Paltrow's face. Possible side effects: having someone else's face. Lastly, Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris Hilton's search for a "new BFF," reveals that she was never a Paris Hilton fan prior to landing a spot on the reality show. So what brought them together? "We have the same drink of choice," says Flickinger, "Patron tequila." Sounds like it's going to be a beautiful friendship.
Grade: D- (Amputation)

Us
In the case of the "disappearing bling" we learn that J.Lo showed up to the Benjamin Button premiere without her wedding rings. She may have left the rings home on purpose because she has always used her jewelry to "send SOS messages" to the press. Lopez is supposedly bored with suburban motherhood and wouldn't sit next to Marc Anthony at Thanksgiving dinner. Earlier this month, Anthony was spotted at Bungalow 8 having drinks with three women. He put his hand on one girl's thigh, which she thought was "gross." Anthony keeps tabs on J.Lo's phone calls and dictates her wardrobe choices. "You don't see so much of that booty anymore," says the couple's "longtime friend." Jennifer Connelly has gone from 140 lbs. to 110 lbs. in the past two years, according to a doctor who doesn't treat her. Connelly's explanation: "I eat an absurd amount of apples." Also, SNL alum Horatio Sans has gone from "chunk to hunk" by losing nearly 100 lbs. (Fig. 1). In closing, Michael Jackson's new style is inspired by Zorro and the Hamburgler (Fig. 2).
Grade: D (Leeches)

Star
As Star reported last week, the Jolie-Pitt kids are forcing their parents to get married in an elaborate (and entirely made up) June wedding. But first Brad wants Angie to sign a prenup because of the pair's dicey romantic track records. If they break up they'll each keep their own millions and Angie will get primary custody of all the kids because Brad doesn't want to break up the brood or take them from their mother. There are also uncomfortable details about how long Brad and Angie want to stay on life support if "something drastic" happens, but that's really something that should be discussed with your real life loved ones before clouding your mind with the wishes of the Jolie-Pitts. Blind item: Which actor has a special way to make himself feel holly jolly? While his kids shopped for a Christmas tree, he stayed in the car and fired up a suspicious smelling pipe. As you know, Oprah admitted that she is 200 lbs. in O magazine, but Star cattily insists that she's actually 10 lbs. heavier. The mag says she's planning on getting gastric bypass surgery to shed 50 lbs., but is worried that it will be too obvious. "She wants people to think it was through diet and exercise, and not because of surgery," says an insider. Mariah Carey was spotted holding a sonogram, refused to drink champagne, and just canceled a world tour. "What does it all mean?" demands Star. According to a detailed account of the star peeing on a pregnancy test, she's with child. Demi Lovato showed up to Miley Cyrus's October birthday party with smudgy black lines on her wrist. Is she cutting? She had marks on her wrist in September, but her rep claimed they were left by a gummy bracelet. If this is the first tabloid you're buying this year, you may want to check out the 16 page story on the "OMG! MOMENTS OF 2008." Otherwise, they are considerably less shocking.
Grade: D+ (Blood letting)

In Touch
The magazine asks, Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston: "Why Can't They Let It Go?" Could it be because In Touch keeps putting fake stories like this one on the cover? Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway have each lost 20 lbs and are now "scary-skinny." Or they were photographed in a baggy outfit. Britney is secretly dating Benji Madden. Britney selected Paris Hilton's recent ex off a list of potential boyfriends compiled by her dad Jamie and manager Larry Rudolph. The list included Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalfe, and Michael Phelps. But! Brit is also dating Kentwood, La. local Ryan Martin. He is 20 and best friends with Britney's baby-daddy-in-law Casey Aldridge. Moving on: Fergie and Josh Duhamel, who have been engaged for a year, are secretly planning to wed on the weekend of January 10. But the real "top secret" may be that Fergie isn't gaining weight for an upcoming role, she's pregnant. Jude Law's receding hairline has been looking much fuller recently. Did he get a hair transplant? In a four page spread on Christmas at Kathy Griffin's house we learn that she has decorated her LA home for the holidays with mounted reindeer heads and golden Emmy theme. "I don't know if you've heard, but I won two Emmys," Griffin explains, "and it is important that every single person alive knows that I have two Emmys." There's a picture of Kathy next to her dominatrix-themed tree holding a whip (Fig. 3). Lastly, Time may have named Barack Obama is the Person of the Year, but according to In Touch, it's actually David Cook. A handy comparison chart explains that though Obama has more Grammys, David Cook won a higher percentage of Idol's final vote than Obama got in the election, and Cook has more MySpace friends.
Grade: C- (Expired children's cough syrup)

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