Life & Style
"Is Lindsay Gay?" Are Lindsay and Sam "finally" coming out, asks the magazine? Intern Margaret laments all the old info in this story and calls it a "waste of time." But! According to a pal, LL and Sam got matching tattoos. What do you think they got inked? Moving on: Britney is so desperate for a real friend, she had to go sunbathing with her dad. Next: Vanessa Hudgens, 19, was "throwing back drinks" while vacationing with Zac Efron, but the drinking age on the Caribbean island is 18, so who cares? (Intern Margaret says, "The info in this issue was so lame and so old, I actually checked the date on the front cover to make sure I had the right one.") Mary-Kate made a T-shirt with Heidi and Spencer's faces on it and the text: "Heidi's Ho." Apparently Lauren Conrad wants one. Lastly: The story called "Ashlee's Junk Food Pregnancy Diet" really belongs in a Hall Of Shame. The Simpson family went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers. "Everyone else was nibbling, but Ashlee ate more than her share," says a source. And she had her own entrée. THE HORROR! The magazine says: "The plate of two deep-fried Tijuana eggrolls could have as many as 2,015 calories — about what Ashlee should be eating in an entire day!" Continues the story: "Ashlee's problem is that she believes she's eating for two," says an insider. Maybe because she is gestating a human in her womb?
Grade: F (freezer-burned frozen pizza)

In Touch
"The Twins Are Here!" After an "amazing nine months," Angelina has given birth. A hospital insider says: "The babies are not big criers. Angelina is in great condition, but a bit fatigued." Moving on: Jen Aniston was "betrayed" by John Mayer. While in Amsterdam, John met a woman he thought was Dutch and said "I am John, I am a singer." She turned out to be a writer, Chaton Anderson, from California. She knew he was dating Jen but asked him what his relationship status was. He said "It's vague." She asked him to clarify and he said, "You know, it's very vague." Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens had a "sexy vacation" in Turks & Caicos and there are four pages of pictures to prove it. On a photo of Jessica Simpson, the mag uses the phrase "Da Bomb", rendering it officially uncool (Fig 1). Is Lindsay getting skinny for Sam? She want to be as slim as her girlfriend, who weighs 104 lbs. Oh, and they share clothes. Was A-Rod tricked by Madonna? Her "friend" says: "Madonna is a huge flirt and she knows how to make someone feel like they're the center of her universe. She knew that she meant a lot to [A-Rod], but never discouraged him." Next: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr might be broken up, because Miranda was seen making out with oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Suri Cruise has a French tutor! She knows more words in English, but she's doing really well in French. She's two.
Grade: D- (milk one week past its expiration date)

OK!
"Dream Baby." Jessica Alba sold herself — and her family — to the mag. Little Honor Marie's first photo shoot! Apparently the birth was very calm. Jessica says, "I didn't scream… It was really zen… The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Husband Cash Warren says: "I want [Honor] to look like me because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Also: The name Honor is stolen from one of Jessica's friends who liked it but was done having kids. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson hold hands in public now and Sam has updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship." Love! The ladies who look "Better After Breakup" are: Carrie Underwood, Pink and Liv Tyler. The "10 Ways To Spot A Cheater" story has Christie Brinkley in the lead photo, ouch. An insider thinks Jennifer Aniston will marry John Mayer before her 40th in February. The "How Melissa Joan Hart Shed The Baby Weight" article has two important details: She has a trainer and a nutritionist.
Grade: D (moldy bread)

Us
"Reese & Jake's Family Vacation." The story opens with a super cute picture of Jake, Reese and Ava holding hands, awww (Fig. 2). The group went to London and Paris and it was a "trial run" for Jake to see if he could handle the kids. It's a 6-page story with tons of pictures but it was pretty run-of-the-mill: They went into through The Chunnel, watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate pizza. Moving on: There's no new news in the Angelina twins story but in the sidebar, a "pal" says of Jennifer Aniston: "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids." Next: Katherine Heigl will "die" on Grey's Anatomy! Izzie may get a brain tumor because the writers are still mad at her. "Hunky" Jeffrey Dean Morgan may come back in visions brought on by the tumor. So you know those pictures of Heidi and Spencer holding guns? They're learning to shoot and handle firearms in honor of Heidi's stepbrother who died in Iraq. Spencer says, "Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq. And if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing." T.R. Knight, 35, has moved in with his boyfriend Mark Cornelsen, 19. Natalie Portman has moved from New York to L.A. and is spending loads of time with bf Devendra Banhart. "A visibly shaken" Verne Troyer sat down with the magazine to talk about his sex tape kerfluffle. It was the idea of Ranae, the ex-girlfriend, to make a video, says Verne: "She kept the tape in her camera on top of the closet where I couldn't even reach it!"
Grade: D+ (wet, damaged, wilted lettuce)

Star
"Shiloh Meets The Twins!" Okay, so Angelina gave birth and Shiloh left her dolls at home to go visit the twins. She brought toy bottles as presents for the babies, aww. When they told Shiloh the names of the kids, she said "Vivi and Nosh?" because she can't pronounce Vivienne and Knox. So those are the twins' new nicknames. The night before the babies were born, Brad Pitt and Angie's bro James Haven slept in Angie's room. The whole birthing process was filmed. Baby Knox was in the "dangerous" feet-first position. But everything turned out alright. Brad took his shirt off and held Knox against his skin — and Angelina did the same with Vivienne — according to the mag, "so the infants both had the feeling of their parents' flesh as their first sensation." Moving on: "More To Love" is a story about how Jessica Simpson has gained 30 lbs. Apparently when she's happy, she's heavier, and when she's sad, she's skinny. There's a chart of her ups and downs but she kind of looks the same in every picture. She's been telling friends she wants a baby because it would be cute if she and sister Ashlee had kids that were close in age. The idea of that freaks Tony out. Next: The new 90210 maybe have a "cat fight" brewing, since the ladies on the show feuded years ago and are coming back. Jennie Garth is nervous about working with Shannen Doherty and eagerly awaiting Tori Spelling's arrival on set. Also inside: Michael Bublé just broke up with Emily Blunt and has already been spotted with a blonde… and the next night, a brunette. For some reason the magazine prints the receipt from when Colin Farrell and his girlfriend bought a pregnancy test at Rite Aid. Is 22-year-old Amanda Bynes dating 34-year-old Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame? Reese and Jake will use their dog, Atticus, as the ring bearer at their as-yet-unplanned wedding. Yes, this is the dog that Jake and Kiki Dunst adopted together. But Atticus now lives with Reese full time. Blind item! "Which rock star's teenage daughter is heading down the same path as her parents? A source says she is drinking and drugging with other rich kids in Malibu." Madonna and Guy Ritchie's children are "caught in the middle" of their tumultuous lives. Seven year old Rocco made a "desperate" trans-Atlantic phone call to his dad, saying he missed him and begging him not to leave. Days later, Guy arrived in New York. The day after the pictures of Lindsay and Sam holding hands were taken, Sam flew to Vancouver for a gig. LL sent her a Facebook message that said,"Baby baby, baby, I miss you already. I hate that you had to leave me this morning. I love you." Lastly: It's a gir;! Star can "exclusively" reveal that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is having a daughter. The due date: October 31, Halloween. Pete Wentz, who has been sewing since high school, is making onesies and diapers for the kid already.
Grade: C (congealed spaghetti with sauce)

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OK!
"Baby Time For Jen." The cover says: "He's in love, she's ready to commit, it's now or never!" Because the mags love to paint Jen as a desperado over the hill spinster with rugratlust. Intern Margaret says, "There's nothing new in this story. They just refer to a 2005 Vanity Fair article. They're not even stealing from recent interviews." Moving on: "Hollywood's Best-Dressed Little Girls" is full of details like: Suri's got a million-dollar wardrobe, Matilda Ledger is a Brooklyn hipster, Ava Phillppe is a "little lady" and not a sex pot. She is eight. Next: Madonna and A-Rod are "sexy new friends." Same old stuff: they have the same manager, they work out at the same place, he invited the kids to watch a Yankee game. Also inside: Dina Lohan is "shocked" that Lindsay might have a secret half-sister. The other woman, Kristi Kaufmann, says "Many times, I offered to do this privately, so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt." Apparently Michael has known about the kid since she was 2! Lastly: "15 Tips For Getting And Keeping A Guy" is a sexist story that beings, "Poor Carrie Underwood is perpetually single. Now OK! is taking her through Dating Boot Camp to whip her love life back into shape." Tips include: "Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body… If you want a perfect set, wear the perfect bra. He won't know the difference… No guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy." Also: "Men love a good booty… With a low-carb diet, this will create the traffic-stopping booty all men pay attention to! In the meantime… Spanx Power Panties can give a girl a good shape until she reaches her body-beautiful level of fitness." Oh, and Tip #8: "Don't panic if he doesn't call… You are not yet his priority, so be patient… To him, a call equals a commitment… And don't call him: girls don't call boys."
Grade: F (soggy unsalted popcorn kernels)

Us
"It's Over!" Have you heard? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the rocks. Apparently they've been in counseling with a rabbi from the Kabbalah center, but "They just can't stand being together." Meanwhile, Madge was sitting in Alex Rodriguez's VIP seats at the Yankee game. Peeps say Madonna won't announce the divorce until her Sticky and Sweet tour is over, on November 30. She fell in love with Guy because he was the only man to ever stand up to her, sources say; "She was so whipped in the beginning she was making him tea and washing his clothes." But! He keeps her on a short leash. She has to drop everything to meet him for dinner every night and she can't be late or, as she says, "He'll kill me." Moving on: The Anne Hathaway story is called "In Love With A Loser" and has all the dirty details about Raffaello Follieri, which we have covered pretty extensively. Next: Hollywood's bikini diets! Jennifer Aniston eats salads, Rihanna ditches carbs, Gwyneth works out, etc. Also inside: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still on! Keanu Reeves seems to be dating China Chow — there are pics of them frolicking on the beach. Naomi Watts is four months pregnant. A Rolling Stone writer went to Amy Winehouse's home to interview her an accidentally saw a picture of her on the phone while "performing a sex act" on hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Amy just laughed and made a joke about multi-tasking.
Grade: D (broken Necco Wafers)

Life & Style
"Hogan Exclusive: An American Family Torn Apart." Last week, Brooke told one of the mags that she doesn't speak to her mother. This week, Brooke says: "I don't talk to her every day like I used to, but we talk." Yawn. Did the show really have 90 million viewers>? Really? Moving on: Does Britney have a "secret plan" to get Kevin back? The mag claims that Kev and Brit want to move to New York together because Brit was in serious talks to be the new Sandy in Grease on Broadway. She really wanted to do it, but her dad said no. Kevin was in talks to be the new UPS guy in Legally Blonde, so yeah. Next: Are Paris and Nicole still friends? In a word, yes. Also inside: Lindsay was flirting with some guy in front of Samantha Ronson and Sam got jealous. She wouldn't even shake the dude's hand when LL introduced them. In "Stars' Slim Down Beauty Secrets," we learn that Lauren Conrad "looks buff side-set pony" and "peachy gloss plays up" Eva Longoria's "bone structure." So much bullshit, so little time.
Grade: C- (melted Milk Duds)

In Touch
"Who's Really Pregnant?" This story is really vague, but if you read closely, you'll discover that Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Beyoncé are not pregnant. Moving on: In an interesting twist, there's a story about a malecelebrity being too thin! Marc Anthony is "scary skinny" and "has a love-hate relationship with food." He's 5 foot 7 and 110 lbs. "You have to understand what it's like to be Puerto Rican and thin," says Mark. "It's painful." We've helpfully scanned a photo for you (Fig. 1). Also inside: Cute new picture of Harlow Madden (Fig.2)! Kate Moss's daughter has an I ♥ Kate Moss T-shirt. "Heartbroken" Anne Hathaway has lost 25 lbs. (Fig. 3). Heather Locklear, who is in rehab for depression and meds, has a "dangerously wild side she's kept hidden from the world." This is illustrated by a bunch of pictures of Heather looking like a drunken mess. Um, we present, without comment, a story called "Mini-Me Cheated On Me." See Fig. 4. Also, have you seen Lindsay Lohan's rumored half-sister from a lady Michael Lohan hooked up with about 13 years ago? (See Fig. 5) Megan Fox has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green, but she has a "Brian" tattoo on her hip, so the mag helpfully suggests she could date news anchor Brian Williams, Conan O'Brien or Brian, the dog from Family Guy. Next: In an interview, George Clooney says, "I'm not a playboy. If I'd been with all the women that I was said to have been with, I wouldn't have had the time to shoot one single movie." He also says: "If you have beautiful and strong hair, then you're successful with women. In the case of [my] hair loss, it's all over." And! "I spend at least three or four hours a day in the bathroom. Being sexy day and night is a big responsibility. And I like taking it!" Next, "Hollywood's Best Boobs" is a photo-driven six page oeuvre which focuses on the mammaries. Audrina Patridge, Carmen Electra, Jennifer Aniston are lucky enough to be on this list. Number one? Jessica Simpson. Lastly: The best thing in the mag was a picture of puppies. (Fig 6.)
Grade: C+ (stuck-together Gummi bears)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup." This story is supposed to make you feel better, because "even celebs need help to look fab." But here's what the mag says about stars: Katherine Heigl: "There is no excuse for baring those bumps on her forehead." Eva Longoria: "Without contouring, her face appears puffy and full, and the 33-year-old's eyes are lost without defining liner." Kim Kardashian "loses much of her sizzle without her vampy game face. But she also looks years younger — and remarkably wholesome!" This nit-picking of women goes on for ten pages. Moving on: When Ben Affleck first got together with Jen Garner, he told her he was sober and had stopped playing poker. But! He still plays in private games all over L.A. and bets tens and even hundreds of thousands of dollars on hands. Jen's ultimatum: Give it up or lose your family. Next: Inside Lindsay and Samantha's "Hot Romance!" The "hottest young same-sex couple" are "playing house and loving every minute of it." And yes, they share a bed! A source says, "Sam's the boss, the husband, Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them." Also, "Lindsay brags that they have great morning sex." They share salads at restaurants because they are determined to stay thin for each other, because they think a lean look makes them hot. They also splurge on naughty sex toys and when they're not together, each of them sprays perfume on a piece clothing for the other to take with her. Sam lent LL her $180 vintage Foreigner sweatshirt and she doused it with Clinique Happy. They also want to get a dog; LL wanted a little pup but Sam suggested they adopt a mutt, so they're visiting shelters to look for a cute canine. "Sam's the only person who has managed to make Lindsay feel loved and protected and respected." a source says. "Everyone else in Lindsay's life has used her." Awww. Sniff. Also inside: Spencer and Heidi want to be the next Sonny and Cher, they're in talks with ABC to develop a variety show. Heather Locklear spent a weekend at home binging on drugs and alcohol before heading into rehab. She was on anti-depressants, pain meds, prescription and non-prescription drugs and sleeping pills while boozing it up. Oh, and coke.
Grade: A, downgraded to B- for cover story (misshapen M&Ms)

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Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)

OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)

In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)

Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)

Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)

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OK!
"Charlie's Dream Wedding." Charlie Sheen wed Brooke Mueller at a private estate in Beverly Hills on May 30. He wore a Men's Wearhouse suit; she wore a white dress by Reem Acra. Brooke's friend sang the Beatles' "Let It Be" during the reception. Yawn. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's sister Ali was heard giving Sam Ronson makeup tips at a restaurant. Reminder: She's 14, Sam is 30. Jessica Simpson is going to release the first single from her country album and might want Tony Romo to be in the video. Ashley Olsen has learned to smile (Fig. 1). The "curviest" bikini bodies are Pink, Blake Lively and Elisha Cuthbert. Lastly, Audrina from The Hills says, "I am not an attention whore. I am not going to release naked photos of myself just to get attention. I'd rather get different attention and be respected." Too late for that!
Grade: F (crackers)

Life & Style
"Birth Exclusive." Guess what? There is nothing exclusive in this story. Angelina has not had the twins yet, but she hasn't been photographed because she's resting after her busy Cannes schedule. Moving on: Instead of having the bodyguard drop off the kids with Britney, Kevin Federline did it himself! Like he has anything else to do. Oh, but Kevin is serious about his acting career: A pal says he's been offered several roles in films shooting abroad but can't go because of the custody situation, boo fucking hoo. The "Jessica Smiles Through The Pain" story is about how during a phone call with Tony Romo, he said he had to go and hung up on her. Stay strong! At Tom and Katie's housewarming party, the line to get in was "ridiculous," says a partygoer, "because Tom and Katie stood at the door in matching white outfits and greeted each guest as they came in." An insider claims George Clooney broke up with Sarah Larson because he has a short attention span. America's Next Top Model CariDee English denies the rumor that she tried to kill herself: Apparently she mixed anxiety pills with alcohol and made a brief stop-in at the hospital. Here's how Lance Armstrong stole Kate Hudson from Owen Wilson: He found out the things about Owen that bothered Kate and used them to his advantage. Lance wined and dined her (Owen is not romantic) and he went public with their relationship (with Owen, Kate always had to hide). Lastly: Knocked-up Ashlee Simpson is "struggling" with her figure, because duh, she is pregnant. But she's not even showing.
Grade: D (clear chicken broth)

Us
"How Dad Is Tearing Them Apart" Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have a third person in their relationship and he is Papa Joe Simpson. This is not news. But! Pete Wentz was DJing an event and he gave a shout out to Joe: "Yo yo yo! This goes out to Joe Simpson, my new father-in-law." Then he played Huey Lewis' "The Power Of Love" and Papa said, "I feel the power of love for you, and everyone else should too." Jesus. Moving on: There's a pull-out chart called "Hollywood High: Who's Friends With Whom?" Angelina and Brad's circle overlaps with Nicole and Joel's! Jay-Z and Gwyneth Paltrow are buddies (Fig. 2)! Post- George Clooney breakup, Sarah Larson is "definitely not grieving", sources say. She was seen laughing and texting and hanging with Jessica Simpson. Also inside: SATC secrets: the "Love" keychain Louise gave Carrie was by H. Stern and costs $6,800 — making it far more expensive than the fugly $5,400 LV bag Carrie gave her. Oprah is on a vegan diet! She is not having sugar, alcohol caffeine or gluten, either.
Grade: D+ (carrot stick)

In Touch
"Jessica's Humiliating Betrayal." Jess is jealous because Tony talks to Carrie Underwood. Jessica and jealousy issues go hand in hand. Thrilling, right? Moving on: Harlow Madden has reconnected Joel and Nicole with their families. Baby power! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have made $3 million in 2 years from "tacky magazine deals." Last week's Us cover where Heidi is wearing a veil and an undershirt earned her $350,000 — but she has to provide three more stories for the mag to get the cash. Speidi's music career, however, has earned zero dollars. Also inside: Angelina went to bed with orange juice with sugar to stabilize her glucose levels after fainting. She is always "collapsing." Post-pregnancy Christina Aguilera loves to party (Fig. 3)! Linda Hogan is dating a 19-year-old who used to clean the family boat. Minka Kelly is dating Derek Jeter, which means she may now have herpes.
Grade: C- (wilted salad)

Star
"Angie Collapses! Last Minute Panic!" You've gotta love how they are using this month-old picture of Angie sitting on the beach to illustrate her "collapse." But apparently she swooned and collapsed in the French chateau. Moving on: Kathy Griffin says she is a "space whore" because she used to live in a small apartment and as soon as she started making money, she bought the biggest house she could. Katherine Heigl is a "cyberchondriac" — she is addicted to WebMD. Hubs Josh is tired of her thinking she is sick all the time. Um, also, doesn't she work on a medical show? John Mayer gave Jennifer Aniston a Blackberry, and she found it to be a cheap and unromantic gift because his tour is sponsored by Blackberry. Blind item! "Which newlywed rocker is freaking out over his newly married state? He loves his wife, but think it's all happened too fast and friends don't know if he is really ready to be a committed husband." Shia LaBeouf's dad lives in Shia's garage on an air mattress. Nicole and Joel are planning a $2 million three-day wedding. It should happen on June 27-29. There will be a Pretty In Pink-themed bachelorette party and the bride will wear a champagne-hued gown. Also: After 24 years, is it time for Oprah to step down? There's a backlash! Ooh, crazy: Jamie Spears is offering $14.5 million to Kevin Federline if he will remarry Britney. Jamie thinks that Kevin is a stabilizing influence on Brit and "he completes her." Kevin is holding out for $20 million and no pre-nup. Good luck. Sarah Larson says she broke up with George Clooney because he runs hot and cold with her and she couldn't take it any more. Tom and Katie's housewarming had 600 cupcakes from Sprinkles, Katie's favorite bakery. Kenny Chesney is back with Allison Stewart, his longtime girlfriend who he was with when the news broke in 2005 that he'd married Renee Zellweger. That marriage ended in "fraud," which neither of them ever explained. Miley Cyrus is grounded for having a bad attitude, talking back and flirting on the internet with boys and older men. Normal behavior for a 15 year old? Lastly, there's a six page story on broken engagements, including Nicole Richie and DJ AM, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, David Moscow and Kerry Washington.
Grade: C (microwaved french fries)

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Us
"I'm Ready To Say 'I Do.'" Intern Sharon says, "You know how the New Yorker has a serialized novel? That is what this is like." Yes, Us is still pushing the idiotic soap opera that is Heidi and Spencer. The magazine printed six epic pages of interview with the loathsome Montag and Pratt. HighLowlights: Heidi says, "We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon. It was pretty much a preproposal." Yes, that's right. A PREPROPOSAL. Even thought this couple has already been engaged. "He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring," Heidi explains. "The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing." (Fig. 1) Ugh. These people are vile. Oh! And Heidi also says: "I want to perform at my wedding. It's a special song that I'm working on for Spencer." And she'd like U2 to be her wedding band. Also inside: Will Smith spent $1 million to fund a school that employs teaching techniques established by L. Ron Hubbard. But! His kids are home schooled. Lastly: When Pete Wentz said he was honeymooning in a basement, he was joking, you guys. He and Ashlee actually went to a resort in Turks And Caicos, in the Caribbean.
Grade: F, but a gold star for the over-the-top, predictable, almost campy romance novel cover story

OK!
"Brit's Private Mommy Moments."
Britney sometimes hangs out with her kids, and they like it. Brit has been reading self-help books like Jack Canfield's Key To Living The Law Of Attraction: A Simple Guide To Creating The Life Of Your Dreams. She is also maybe dating her William Morris Agent Jason Trawick. Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting a reality show? It will be like sister Jessica's Newlyweds. Footage includes a dinner where everyone toasts to business ventures but Ashlee toasts to jewelry. Ha. There's a poll called "Who Looks Better Bald" (Fig. 2) and no one likes Cameron Diaz's head. Angelina and Brad's new house has an organic vineyard, so expect the couple to take up winemaking! Intern Sharon says, "They're so Stuff White People Like."
Grade: D- with demerits for being boring

In Touch
"Brad Fears For The Babies" Angelina was having early contractions, so she and Brad had to call the hospital. She was barely 26 weeks at the time. She's scheduled to have a C-section July 11. There was drama at a Toys R Us near Cannes because Angelina wanted to shop but Brad thought she should be resting. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is with Sam Ronson after "turbulent relationships with men" because you know, shitty dudes can make chicks gay! Sam wants to marry Lindsay and makes sure she stays sober, aww. Jamie Lynn's baby daddy Casey doesn't want to sign a pre-nup, uh-oh! Good news for "fans" of her "music": Paris Hilton is working on a new album. It will, of course, be "edgier." Benji Madden is helping, naturally, and Paris says, "It's a lot more of dance music that you want to hear in a club."
Grade: D- with detention and three days in a dunce cap for constant fake baby jeopardy "news"

Life & Style
"Shiloh's Lonely World." Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has "been throwing tantrums and crying a lot," the mag claims. Um, she is two; that's par for the course. A source says she wants to be the baby and sleep with mom and dad. Again, not a crime at her age. When Angie takes her shopping and asks "Shi" to pick something out for the twins, Shi throws a fit. Moving on: Lindsay and Sam are sooo in love. A source says Sam's open about her sexuality and she was finally able to convince Lindsay that being a couple is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sweet. Britney's got a "major crush" on her agent, Jason Trawick. He was in Costa Rica with her recently. "He cares about her and wants her to succeed, but he's not interested in her romantically," a source spills. Jamie Lynn is being watched because she MIGHT have preeclampsia. Or not. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong danced to '80s music and made out all over Cannes. The people who are making Point Break: Indo want Patrick Swayze to be in it. Jessica Alba married Cash Warren because she was praying for her baby and realized it was important to "do the right thing." Madonna says, "I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against discussing it." Lastly: Is it offensive or just weird that a caption on "Hollywood's Tan Secrets" reads: "A deep tan makes Adrienne look exotic"? (Fig 3). Ms. Bailon, of Cheetah Girls fame, is Puerto Rican, born in New York.
Grade: D, bonus points for Madonna quote, points deducted for fake Shiloh drama story

Star
Absent from class. Info available online, but that's just not the same, is it?

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Us
"How I Got My Body Back!" Christina Aguilera's boobs are huge. She is an E cup. She quit eating white bread and Skittles. She works out 5 days a week. Moving on: Holly Madison was unsuccessful in her attempt to get pregnant by Hugh Hefner, so she is looking for a Hef-esque sperm donor who is creative, hot, and has dark hair. Any takers? At Ashlee Simpson's wedding to Pete Wentz, the couple's first dance music was "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
Grade: F- (mouse droppings)

OK!
"Four Weeks To Go!" Here's news you can use: Angelina is going to have a C-section delivery of her twins. The mag says one out of about 100 C-section scars will "come apart during the birthing process." Vom. The French press has jokingly started referring to Angie as "Wonder Woman" because they can't understand how the knocked up mom has the energy to go on boat rides, helicopter trips and premieres in Cannes. Also inside: As mentioned in Dirt Bag this morning, a former Starbucks barista claims to have put whole milk in all of Mary-Kate's "skinny" lattes without telling her. Lastly: Ten pages of "The 50 Hottest (And Shirtless!) Guys on the Planet." Matt Lauer, Prince Harry and Will Smith are honored. David Beckham wins the No. 1 spot.
Grade: F+ (moth larvae)

Life & Style
"Angelina's $20 Million Twins!" We heard this news already, but here it is again: Between the security and medical costs, mansion rental fees, and helicopters, Angelina and Brad are spending about $20 million in preparation for her birth. But they might get $10 million for selling pix of the twins. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has "met" John Mayer's "family" — she had dinner with John, his brother Ben and Ben's girlfriend. Next: A guest says Ashlee and Pete's wedding "looked like the set of a Tim Burton movie;" they had leafless black trees for decoration. Ashlee walked down the aisle to The Beatles' "Blackbird." Next: Instead of her family, Katie Holmes is planning a "career comeback" by starring in All My Sons on Broadway. Tom is fine with it. Mariah Carey tells the mag that she and Nick Cannon are "interested in having kids. It's in the cards." Can't wait! Britney "ran away from her problems" to the country of Costa Rica. Mel Gibson had her to his house there; they used to be neighbors in Malibu. Brit spent her four-day vacay smoking, sipping bottled water and Coca-Cola. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears is endangering her fetus. Again. "It's very dangerous for a woman in her third trimester to be riding an ATV," says a doctor who does not treat her. Nicole Richie says baby Harlow has saved her life. She's gone from super thin to curvy mom; from DUI charged to driving school, from clubbing to strolling. Lastly: Don't worry about Liv Tyler and her troubled marriage: "I'm a tough cookie," she says.
Grade: F++ (period panties)

In Touch
"Wedding Drama" The story is called "Jessica's Wedding Pain" and details how she and Tony Romo held hands and talked but things seem strained. But after downing some champagne, Jess dragged Tony onto the dancefloor. There's a list of all the ways Jessica ruined her relationship with Tony: She called too much, she was a groupie, she was too open, they spent too much time together, she was a showoff, she wasn't busy. Next: Angelina plans to have three more kids after the twins. Friends think she is addicted to motherhood. One doctor thought that she weighed 20 lbs. less than she should for a woman carrying twins. Also inside: Britney's been getting advice from Mel Gibson on business and encouraging her to reconnect with her faith. Jamie-Lynn's top baby name choice is Emma Jean. Colin Farrell is "scary skinny." (Fig. 1) Is Nick Mariah's new assistant? He walked her to the ladies room and waited outside the door at a restaurant recently. (Intern Sharon says, "He's her bitch.")
Grade: D (a penny)

Star
"55 Best And Worst Beach Bodies" We've said it before but we'll say it again: We fucking hate the fact that this magazine puts women's bodies under the microscope. No talk about talent or ideas! Just cellulite. Which is like having poor vision or a receding hairline: It's biological, it develops, you can't do a damn thing about it. Plus! As Intern Sharon points out, the "best" bodies often belong to girls like Brooke Hogan and Rumer Willis, who have not yet hit the age of 21. So Star can kiss our dimpled asses. This seemingly-endless 18-page photo-driven story includes men and couples. You can't have a little bulge (Denise Richards) and you can't be too thin (Nicky Hilton). It's like that song from The Wiz: You can't win, and you can't get out of the game. Moving on: Nikki Cox has ruined her face. (Fig 2.) One site says she looks like the Sea Monkey mom. Gisele Bundchen says, "I'm a workaholic, so I get up at 8 am and I go to bed late. I don't go to clubs, I don't do drugs, sometimes I feel like a nun or something." Aww, poor thing. Would you ever consider having plastic surgery when you're older? "No way!" Haha. Tell that to her old nose. Or old boobs. Was Eva Mendes in rehab for a movie? She landed a new role as a Spanish drug lord. Beyoncé is making a guest appearance on Desperate Housewives, yawn. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong: It's on! "He's already bought her a bicycle," says a source. Jessica "ruined" Ashlee's wedding by being pouty and knocking back champagne. Plus, she kind of had to beg Tony to take her, as he'd promised. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have a "wild sex life!" A source says, "He covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps." (This made Intern Sharon uncomfortable.) Jen may be going on tour with John in Copenhagen in June. Lastly: Angelina doesn't want Brad's mom Jill present at the birth of the twins because she has a big mouth and tries to tell Angie how to raise her kids.
Grade: C-, downgraded to F- for cover story (favorite sweater that ends up being moth-eaten)

Fig 1.

Fig. 2

OK!
"Ready To Wed!" Here's the gist: Reese Witherspoon doesn't want her children to see her living "in sin," so she won't let Jake Gyllenhaal move in until they're married. But! The kids love him. So conditions are perfect. "Hollywood Big Mouths" is a 2-page spread out OK!'s favorite pouty lips. Janice Dickinson, Anne Hathaway and Ali Lohan are honored.
Grade: F (salt water)






Us
"Stabbed In The Heart!" Intern Sharon says, "That is so emo." Jessica Simpson is so distraught that her ex John Mayer is with Jen Aniston that she's been turning to alcohol. Apparently she went out with her friend CaCee Cobb (who is dating Scrubs star Donald Faison) and they all knocked back so many margaritas that Jess had to call her mom for a ride — and it was the night before Mother's Day! (CaCee drank so much she "puked a little under the table," says a source.) This story goes on for eight pages and there's a chart called "Jess Vs. Jen: The two share more than just John Mayer" where the ladies are shown in bikinis so you can compare them. Classy. Moving on: Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon are dunzo, but they want to be civil, so it's easy on their son Milo. A source says, "They fell out of love." Sniff. Heath Ledger's Joker action figure is selling out at toy stores, although it's not really a collectible or worth anything. People just want to own it. Blind item! "Which Golden Globe-winning TV star was disinvited[sic] from her own sister's wedding because her family is so distrustful of her long-time beau? Says a source, 'Her mom thinks the guys is a mooch.'" Also inside: Tom Cruise holds people so tightly his hand leaves a mark (Fig. 1). Are Britney and Kevin reconciling? The exes have a "camraderie," says a source. Jennifer Lopez's sister Lynda Lopez is expecting, if you care. Angelina's "bizarre baby plan" is to have the kid in France. Also, Us points out that Star reported that Angie has gestational diabetes, but it's not true; and Star claims she is having twins, but she says "my baby" when discussing her pregnancy. Also, Brad and Angelina will not get married any time soon, because it would complicate their finances. Lastly, there's a four-page Sex And The City story with cocktail recipes and quiz.
Grade: D- (gray water)


In Touch
"Brad Walks Away" Apparently Brad and Angie have been arguing because she doesn't want to get married and he was spotted drinking alone at a bar on the coast of France. (But, um, she can't go drinking with him, she's pregnant.) Maybe she has a fear of commitment because of her parents' divorce, speculates a psychologist who does not treat her. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan bitched out a girl who was talking to Samantha Ronson while Sam was DJing. LL pointed at the woman and screamed, "You're a slut!" Apparently the look on LL's face was "scary." Britney's "mystery bump" is probably due to the fact that she's on Prozac and Zoloft and eating a lot. Lastly: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has pages from fashion magazines up in her closet. "When she can't think of what to wear, she closes her eyes, spins around, and points at a picture. That will be what she wears."
Grade: D- (purified water)


Life & Style
"Friends Fear That Jessica Got Dumped Again!" While Tony Romo was at Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort in Chicago, he told his buddies that he and Jessica Simpson had split. That same night, Jessica drowned her sorrows in booze and burritos. Jen Aniston has a new love and a new body! She only eats salad, sez the mag. Jen is telling people that John is more adventurous than she's used to — and she likes it! Angelina has been relaxing in France in a bikini. "Angie loves her pregnant body," crows a caption. Lastly: Vince Vaughn turned down a threesome with two goth sisters and they sold their tale (and picture) to the mag. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (sparkling water)


Star
"Nicole In Tears!" At Crown Bar in L.A., Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan sat next to each other. "Their heads were practically touching and his leg was over hers," says a spywitness. When Paris Hilton saw what was happening, she made a huge deal of it and made sure everyone saw. Then she texted Nicole with the news. One source says Lindsay is clueless and "just doesn't get that she crosses the line." Another source says Nicole thinks Lindsay is a horrible human being. Moving on: Newlywed Nick Cannon is so happy, "My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard," he says. Kate Bosworth is "back to bones." She is 5'7" and 102 lbs. Apparently when she was with Orlando Bloom, he would tell her she had puffy cheeks and she got down to 100 lbs. Then she was back up to 113 lbs., but her new boyfriend is a model and very weight-conscious. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson says she never thought she'd get married so young but Ryan Reynolds "kept asking, at least for the last six months. He just wore me down." Lauren Conrad and Doug Reinhardt are already dunzo: She was too clingy, he was just in it for the fame. "Doug spent all his time looking for his pictures in magazines and Googling himself," says a source. Heidi Montag scandal! "This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around the waist, to make it look like she's three months along," says an insider. She and Spencer will refuse to confirm or deny anything to keep the rumor mill going. John Mayer wants to impress Jen Aniston, so he spent $6,000 on gifts for her: $600 patent leather YSL pumps; $2,175 quilted leather Prada bag and three 18K gold bangles for $1,150 each. Kristin Davis is not like Charlotte York because she is an alcoholic who no longer drinks. At all. Fresh-out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst was seen drinking at a NYC bar; she slammed whiskey shots and rum and cokes and she was out of control. Relapse! Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will get married in Mexico and honeymoon there, too. Pete's gonna wear sneakers with his tux. (Intern Sharon says, " I wouldn't expect anything else.) Suri Cruise drinks a special Scientology formula that is made from barley water, organic milk and organic raw honey. Sometimes it coagulates into an unappetizing yellow. A pediatrician who does not treat Suri says she may not be getting the vitamins she needs. Plus, honey can rot babies' teeth. But Scientologists don't believe in breastfeeding.
Grade: C- (mineral water)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Life & Style
"I Got My Body Back!" Britney is losing weight because she spends hours at the gym, dances a lot, and her dad cooks healthy meals for her. (Intern Sharon says, "Seriously? We haven't seen her at McDonald's or toting Frappuccinos at all lately.") Also: When Brit was visiting Louisiana for the baby shower, Jamie Lynn showed her her pregnancy scrapbook and ultrasound pictures. The sisters slept in Britney's old room, awww.
Grade: F (sharp, broken glass)




Us
"The Plot To Destroy Lauren." This six-page story sums up everything that has happened between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad on and off The Hills and is mind-numbingly boring. Heidi maintains that there is — or was — a sex tape; Lauren's camp says it does not exist; Heidi counters that maybe it doesn't exist now but it sure used to. Yawn. Moving on: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden entertain baby Harlow when she wakes up: "Joel and I put on a concert for her every morning. We have Disney music and a whole dance." Also inside: American Idol's Carly Smithson says she and her tattoo-artist hubby want to have kids. Imagine when the other moms at the sandbox get a load of dad's face? (Fig. 1) Plus: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in the Bahamas and there was no pre-nup. Nick's own half-brother, Gabriel, says "We thought it was just rumors. I had no clue they got married." Angelina, Brad and the brood have settled in France. Angie wants the baby to be connected to his or her French heritage (although Angie's mom was French-Canadian and born in Chicago, hmm.) Angie has to go to the Cannes Film Festival later in May so it's more convenient for her to be based in France. Another quote from Nicole Richie! "I want five children: twin boys and three girls." Speaking of kids, Jessica Alba says that her nursery is "green" because "that's the way I live." Everything is eco-friendly and whatnot. Jessica hasn't picked a name for her baby yet: "I'm waiting, we're not sure what the name is going to be. My name was Faradon Luisa for three days, I don't want make that mistake with my kid."
Grade: D- (plastic bag)




OK!
"Sisters Reunited!" For a story about Jamie Lynn Spears' baby shower, the magazine used what were clearly not professional photos taken by an insider. Intern Sharon says someone (a family friend slash sellout?) used a "like, 5.6 megapixel camera." Jamie Lynn and Britney hung out and painted their nails; Britney went riding on the four-wheeler with JLS's fiancé, Casey. Typical Louisiana weekend? Also inside: While John Mayer was in Miami visiting Jennifer Aniston, he would sneak into the stadium where she was shooting Marley And Me via an underground tunnel — and the two would make out right there in the stadium. The couple was also caught skipping arm in arm on their way to a children's clothing store. Maybe Aunt Jen was buying something for Coco Arquette? Moving on: Janice Dickinson asked for her pureed chicken soup to be strained at a café in Beverly Hills. The waiter tried to explain it was impossible to strain a pureé; Janice barked, "Bring me four bowls of chicken vegetable soup and a strainer, and I'll do it myself." Then she stormed out of the restaurant, cursing in Italian. She says she lived in Italy for two years "and the waiters there would never tell me no."
Grade: D (cigarette butt)




In Touch
"Why Jen Fell For John." In a four-page story, the mag says Jennifer Aniston likes John Mayer because 1. He's sexy. (He topped an In Touch Sexiest Bachelors poll!) 2. He's sensitive. He fundraises for charity and whatnot. 3. He's smart. (Jessica Simpson complained, "I had to be more intellectual," while dating him.) 4. He's funny. (Ever see that Borat swimsuit pic?) Intern Sharon says, "That was all I took away, I couldn't read the whole article." There's a horrifying page that reads: "Paris: I WANT A BABY NOW" with Ms. Hilton sort of trying to breastfeed a puppy. (Fig. 2) "I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mom," Paris says. "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children." Also inside: Miley Cyrus has a "double life" because she spends $8,000 on jeans and jewelry when she's in celeb-mode; but when she's home all she does is horseback ride and shop at Wal-Mart with her friends. Oooh, and she doesn't wear her purity ring anymore! What does it mean??? An article called "Nicky Kicks Her Coke Habit" is not what you think. Nicky Hilton has eliminated soda from her diet — 1,120 calories a day! [Uh, my two cents but I think Nicky needs MORE calories in her diet. -Ed.] Lastly: On a trip to Vegas, Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina, 15, partied until she puked and tried to stab her mom and then attempted to slash her own wrists. Tragic.
Grade: D+ (beer can)




Star
"It's Twin Girls!" Angelina is having twin daughters! But before she flew to France, Angie collapsed and Brad had to call the doctor. Angie was crying because she couldn't feel the twins kicking. She was sobbing, saying "My babies, my babies!" The doc made her a protein shake and an hour later, the fetuses (feti?) started kicking. At the house in the South of France where Angie and the crew are staying, Angie has helicopter and a pilot with military training standing by to fly her to the hospital. Ooh! Naked picture of Shiloh!!! (Fig. 3) Also inside: Ellen DeGeneres says: "I don't have a computer and I don't use e-mail. I don't have a BlackBerry, either. I don't think it's healthy to always be texting and online all the time. I hate it when you're having lunch with someone and they're looking down at their BlackBerry." Noted! Next: Dancing With The Stars Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough are moving in together! That show is like a dating game. OMG: Jessica Simpson's fashion accessory line has raked in $300 million since 2006. Can you believe it? Ashton Kutcher says: "I pee outside my house in my yard. I usually start my day by taking my dogs out; when I they go, I go." Blind item! "Which small screen star who moonlights as a drummer turned off a lady he was hooking up with? The unpleasant smell of the eco-friendly soap he uses makes him stink, she says." Brad Pitt and his brother Doug gave their dad a cool 67th birthday present: A trip around the world! Dad will go to France, Italy, Norway, Finland, China and three countries Africa. Intern Sharon says, "What? No Brazil?" Nicole Richie has been dropping pounds because of her new raw food diet. She's still breastfeeding, is that okay? Mariah Carey's wedding might be in jeopardy because Nick Cannon is a player. He was engaged to Selita Ebanks after 9 weeks of dating; Christian Milian says he cheated on her over the entire course of their 2-year relationship. Jerk. Oh, but some say the marriage is strictly a business relationship aimed at selling more albums and promoting Nick. Plus: "Jamie Lynn is having a shotgun wedding, and it's Lynn who is holding the shotgun," says a family friend. JLS doesn't really want to get hitched but Lynn doesn't like the idea of an unwed teenage mom — especially when it comes to Jamie's career. Meanwhile, Britney and Kevin are having phone sex. Often. At least once a week.
Grade: C (broken seashell)

Fig. 1


Fig. 2

Fig. 3

OK!
"Wedding Of The Year." The mag claims that Angelina and Brad will get hitched in a small civil ceremony in New Orleans, then maybe honeymoon in the South of France. But guess what? They've already relocated to the South of France as of today. So. Moving on: A "50 Ways To Fake Your Weight" story has tips like "wear black, wear Spanx and "wear heels." Groundbreaking! Also inside: Jennifer Aniston went on a date with John Mayer — will he "eventually break her heart?"
Grade: F (scrubbing the toilet)


Us
"Jen & John: Suddenly In Love." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been "cyberflirting" by sending emails for like six months. The six-page story basically says they spent a weekend together in Miami. They ate out a lot. Also inside: Liv Tyler phoned a lawyer and complained that her husband was a leech on her assets and that she got married too young. Uh-oh. Jessica Simpson calls Tony Romo "my future husband." Romo visited The Diamond Doctor in Dallas. Are they getting engaged? Do you care?
Grade: D- (scouring soap scum in tub/shower)


Life & Style
"Reuniting For The Kids." The story doesn't actually say that Britney and Kevin are reuniting for the kids, it says that the two boys have erratic behavior, especially around Kevin's other kids. So Britney wants them back, for stability. Hmm. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn's unborn baby: It's a girl! And JLS plans to have "Lynn" as part of the baby's name, duh. Plus, she's taking a breastfeeding class. A source says: "She's determined to do it!" Jennifer Aniston set up the date weekend with John Mayer: Is she moving to fast? They make it seem like she is desperate. Because, you know, when a woman makes the first move, she must be desperate. As for Lindsay and Sam, an insider says: "Sam knows in her heart that Lindsay isn't gay, so she basically lives in fear of every new cute guy that comes along and hits on Lindsay." Awww. Oh, and since Sam comes from money (her family is worth $300 million) LL is kind of a "kept woman." Tom Brady told Bridget Moynahan that he wants his girlfriend Gisele to develop a relationship with baby John because he plans on popping the question to Gisele.
Grade: D- (cleaning out the fridge)

In Touch
"Jen's Hot New Love." John Mayer booked room at the Four Season in Miami, but spent all his time at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, where Jen Aniston had a $3,000 a night suite. The couple hung out in the sun and had a three-hour dinner, after which he went up in the elevator with her. Did he spend the night??? Moving on: There are two pages devoted to the fact that Nicole Kidman's "bump" is showing. Lindsay Lohan has moved in with her girlfriend Sam Ronson. A source says: "It may not be a sexual relationship, but Lindsay and Samantha are a couple. They even sleep in the same bed." But Linsday's pal designer Wayne Joffe says: "Lindsay is not gay. They're just being girls and are best friends." Britney's "crazy behavior" has cost her tons of cash! From the head-shaving on, since she hasn't been touring and has had to pay for security, legal fees and medical care, she's out $61 million. Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting divorced! And gay rumors abound! Al's own mother says: "I truly believed that he would never get married. He never seemed interested." Meanwhile: Is Mariah Carey engaged to Nick Cannon??? OMG Heidi Klum sent Victoria Beckham food for her birthday. Heidi is having a dozen cupcakes from Sprinkles in L.A. delivered to Posh every week for a year! The mag reminds you that Posh was asked by Barbara Walters if she would ever eat a cookie, and Posh said, "No." Meh, the best thing in this mag was a picture of puppies (Fig. 1).
Grade: D (cleaning out the closets)


Star
"Scientology Boot Camp For Katie!" Katie Holmes has been doing Scientology stuff including various testing, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Katie does intense auditing sessions that last for 36 hours straight with no sleep or food. She took a course called "The Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person Course" that teaches if someone doesn't like Scientology, you must ignore or disconnect from them. Fun! Also inside: Matthew McConaughey has given up beer because pregnant girlfriend Camilla was frustrated that she had to go on the wagon while he continued to party. Blind item! "Which new heartthrob could soon disappoint teen girls across the universe? At a premiere party for his new flick, he was spotted making out and leaving with a guy." Are Jessica and Ashlee in a "race to the altar"? A source says Jess is jealous of all the attention Ash gets and would love to get married first. Britney's boys are back in her life and "not afraid of her anymore" because she doesn't take them out into crowds where they have "had bad experiences." Nicole Richie is torn between being a mommy and being a party girl. She goes from the nursery to the nightclub. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are thought to be the couple in a blind item from the New York Daily News: "Which weekly glossy just signed a megamillion dollar contract with a certain annoying celebrity couple? The deal is, the magazine will get exclusive interviews with the couple, but in turn, they need to break up (again), get back together (again) and actually get married." Hmm, is the glossy in question Us? Lastly: "Roly-Poly Romeos" that have gone from hunk to chunk include Jake Gyllenhaal, Nick Lachey and Dane Cook.
Grade: D (clearing/organizing drawers)

Fig. 1

OK!
"Don't Mess With My Family!" Katie Holmes knows what the tabloids are saying about her marriage to Tom Cruise and she's not happy. "Katie wishes she didn't care about the gossip and rumors, but it's hard for her not to," says a source. "She told me she has never been happier and she doesn't understand why people don't want to believe that." Maybe because she comes off as a Stepford Scientolozombie? Also inside: The mag thinks Brangelina and brood should go on a road trip! They should visit the Braum's Milk Bottle in Oklahoma City, the Blue Whale in Catoosa, OK and Cadillac Ranch in Texas, which is 10 vintage cars stuck in the ground. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston's new face seems to have a refined nose tip, some filler in the lips, maybe a brow-lift and whitening and contouring on her teeth. There are four pages of The Hills' Whitney Port modeling '50s-inspired fashion. Fergie is the "surprise look-alike" of Bret Michaels (as seen in Fig. 1). Lastly, Britney went to the gym with some friends.
Grade: F (pubic lice)

Us
"Shiloh Baby Album." And by baby album, they mean lots of paparazzi pix of Shiloh. She is super cute. She turns two on May 27 and a source says, "She is truly the most perfect child." But! Because Shiloh is used to being the baby, Brad and Angelina are worried about how she'll react to having a younger sibling. Also inside: Pictures of Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tonguing each other with smeared cake frosting on their faces, shudder. Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham celebrated her 34th birthday with not one but three "parties" — although one was dinner at Pink Taco with her kids. The other was dinner with Kate Beckinsale and Eva Longoria, and the last one was an actual dinner party. Kate Hudson had her birthday dinner in Miami with Owen Wilson and his parents. At restaurants, Drew Barrymore fights over the check with boyfriend Justin Long — he tries to be chivalrous; she'll sneak a credit card to the waitress while he's in the bathroom. Suri Cruise turned two with a birthday party at a Scientology house featuring a DJ and basketball. Tom and Katie were reportedly "all over each other." There's a two page spread on how other tabloids "fake the news" with a detailed step-by-step analysis of an OK! cover. (Fig 2.)
Grade: D-, although the Shiloh pix are B+ (leeches)

Life & Style
"Angelina's Rushed To The Doctor." Angelina had pain in her ankles, so she flew from Texas to L.A., where doctors told her she had swollen ankles. Also inside: Lindsay MAY be dating Sam Ronson because she MAY fear that men will hurt her. Lynne Spears spoke with the mag! "I'm a bit disappointed that my youngest daughter got pregnant at such an early age," she says. "All I can do is turn to God for answers and just leave it in his hands." Meanwhile, Jamie Lynne and Casey just bid on a $255,000 home in Liberty, Mississippi. Joel Madden says baby Harlow likes to listen to The Cure. An insider says that everyone close to Jennifer Lopez says she'll be pregnant again by the end of the year. Intern Sharon says, "Lord help us all."
Grade: D (fleas)

In Touch
"Katie & Tom: What Went Wrong." Sure, Katie and Tom kissed at Suri's birthday party, but it was when the helicopters were overhead and they knew they were being photographed. "Katie believes her days are empty and meaningless," says a source. "Katie is living the life of a queen, but that of queen trapped in a castle." So dramatic! Moving on: Jamie Lynn Spears is in therapy because she fears what happened to Britney will happen to hear — namely, post-partum depression. Four pages of "Thin By Memorial Day" diet secrets and pictures of the girls of The Hills in bikinis? As the kids say, vom. Ashley Olsen is dogsitting a honeymooning friend's German Shepherd, Coco, and has moved into the friend's house. Dancing With The Stars' Derek Hough and Shannon Elizabeth have been spotted kissing and holding hands, it's on! An Arkansas woman says she saw Bobby Brown do cocaine when he was 16 years old - way before he met Whitney Houston! Paula Abdul says she'd maybe like to adopt kids but "with today's modern medicine, you can definitely have them, even at my age," the 45-year-old says. Ashlee Simpson had many a drunken night before she realized she was drinking while knocked up. Britney Spears wants her kids back and plans to sell her Beverly Hills estate and buy a house in the suburbs of L.A. where she can have more privacy. Good luck! Drew Barrymore's boyfriend Justin Long was seen drunkenly dirty dancing and kissing some girl in a West Hollywood bar, and the girl was not Drew.
Grade: D+ (ticks)

Star
"My New Bikini Body!" Britney eats half of everything and throws the rest away and dances a lot! Moving on: David Beckham loves Lakers games. A source says he goes for the cheerleaders, their moves and their skimpy outfits. Jeremy Piven has hair issues and has tried all kinds of remedies like cat urine and bee pollen. He's insecure about going bald (although he kind of already is, as seen in Fig. 3) Jamie Lynn Spears watched a video of a real, natural childbirth and promptly threw up. Renee Zellweger is "drinking and shrinking." When she goes out to dinner she doesn't touch her food but knocks back the martinis. "She finds clumps of hair in the shower and it's really bumming her out." Apparently Rene's friend, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, constantly reminds Renee that clothes look better when you're super thin. Ashlee Simpson is on the cover of Shape magazine and inside she talks about working out and painting. Like on a canvas. Katie Holmes was wearing oversized glasses when she showed up @ Vicky Beckham's birthday party and a source says it looked like she'd been crying. Something is troubling her! She's not allowed to make decisions about Suri or the renovations on her home! When Sam Ronson was DJing a party in New York, Lindsay Lohan felt Sam wasn't paying any attention to her and threw a fit. LL stormed out and at 4:30 a.m. made a driver take her on a 2 hour trip to Long Island so she could sleep at someone else's house. Janice Dickinson is banned from L.A. fashion week, Brad Pitt is banned from China, Paris Hilton is banned from Oktoberfest in Munich.
Grade: C- (mosquitoes)


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Fig.3



Short Of The Mark [NY Post]

OK!
"I Will Get My Boys Back." Britney is getting better, wants her kids back, will show up for court when she's supposed to, etc. She and Kevin want to have a relationship like Demi and Bruce — civil. Also inside: Miley Cyrus is going to be writing her autobiography. OK!'s most eligible single people include Cameron Diaz, Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford and um, Whitney Houston. Also: Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant.
Grade: F (elephant turd)




Life & Style
"Pregancy Diaries." Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. She's religious, so she wanted to be married before bringing a child into the world, blah blah blah. Also inside: the headline "Angelina is bigger than ever." She is having twins, isn't she? "Jamie Lynn's Struggling On Her Own" because everyone in her family is helping Britney — JLS spends lots of nights at fiancé Casey's house. Moving on: Kevin was dropping off the kids on April 8 and Britney kissed him in front of the kids. Will they get back together?
Grade: D- (pig feces)

Us
"How I Lost 20 Lbs." When Mariah Carey showed off her new super fit 5'9" inch shape to an Us reporter, she was wearing black skinny jeans that were size 0 but "they're stretchy," she explains. Mariah slimmed down in part because Vogue Editor At Large André Leon Talley told her to. "He said, 'Darling you've got to lose some weight,'" Mariah claims. Her new diet bans butter, uses very little oil and prescribes drinking up to 3 liters of water a day. Moving on: 52% of readers think Tori Spelling should not be posing in a bandeau bikini while pregnant (See Fig. 1). Angelina makes hotel and restaurant reservations under the name Shiloh Baptist. Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. Heidi Klum is Us's Style Icon Of The Year. The magazine's Celebrity Designer Of The Year is Lauren Conrad, which is surely a sign of the apocalypse. Madonna wrote the captions for a photo-driven story called "My Worst Outfit." On the image of herself and Michael Jackson wearing white glittery ensembles on the way to an Oscar party in 1991, she wrote: "I don't know what to say. It's shocking."
Grade: D (bull shit)

In Touch
"It's Over." Katie Holmes wants her life back. Her career's been crappy since she married Tom Cruise and she wants to be in a Broadway play to prove that she can act. She's been hanging out with Dawson's Creek buddy Michelle Williams to remember happier days. Also inside: Benji Madden plans to marry Paris Hilton. Sigh. Brad Pitt is gaining sympathy weight from eating alongside pregnant Angelina: He'll order a pizza for the kids and one for himself. Plus: Heidi Montag says, "Butt implants are the new thing, so Kim Kardashian, watch out!" Heidi's friend explains, "She doesn't want to have plastic surgery, but she may have no choice. It's not the easy way out, it's more like her last resort." Hahahahahaha, just let that marinate in your brain for a while before it explodes. Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. Jamie Lynn Spears and fiancé Casey wrote on the walls of BJ's Seafood in Liberty, Mississippi. The message reads: Casey ♥ Jamie. Kathy Griffin went shopping with Adnan Ghalib and he took a "astonishing number of calls" from someone whose "name rhymes with Prlitney Splears." The List this week is "Their Bodies Look Better Than Ever." Before and after pictures of Mariah Carey, Hilary Duff, and Whitney Houston (who looks the same).
Grade: D (cat crap)

Star
"Fight For Suri." Apparently there is some kind of trial separation going on between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: She dreams of moving to New York, renting an apartment overlooking Central Park and being in a Broadway play; he wants her to be a good Scientology wife. Moving on: Alicia Keys will marry her boyfriend Kerry "Krucial" Brothers on July 4 in New York. Congrats! Rumer Willis is now dating Diana Ross's son Evan. Kirsten Dunst is out of rehab and went on a date with Ryan Gosling but he just likes her as a friend. Nicole Richie is preparing for Joel Madden to come back from his tour by ordering bras and thongs from Agent Provocateur. She's also moving the baby into the nursery so the bedroom can be sexy again. Heidi Montag claims the world only knows a fraction of the truth about Lauren Conrad and "if fans knew what she was like, they'd be shocked." Spencer Pratt says, "I'm getting paid to be the villain. I go along with it. I know I look like a jerk on the show, but that's the way it is. One day the world will find out that Lauren is the bigger jerk." Plus: Jessica Simpson was in the hospital for a kidney infection, bladder infection and urinary tract infection and a source says it's partly because she's been "drinking an obscene amount of alcohol." Also, she was three weeks late with her period and convinced she was knocked up so she asked hospital staff for a pregnancy test. When Kevin and Britney kissed last week, he said,"Should we be doing this in front of the kids?" Britney replied, "We're the parents, so why not?" A six-page photo story called "I Was An Ugly Duckling" includes pictures of Gwen Stefani, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera when they were kids.
Grade: D (doggie droppings)

Fig. 1